Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 35-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love these shows so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are v proud. V. 

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows for half a decade. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore for the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Tayshia/Clare’s season is in my highlights). And if that’s not enough, I host a Bachelor post-game show called “The Rose Rehash” on my YouTube channel. Let’s have a fun season.

Matt James

Usually I would’ve already previewed Matt James, but this season is different. Matt has never been on the show. His biggest credit before getting to know him via interviews and social media was “friends with Tyler C.” That’s kind of crazy. Tyler C was so hot that we all just trusted he knew good people. If a less attractive man was like, “Hey, you should meet my friend!” We’d all be like, “What’s his Instagram handle?” And then spend hours scrolling back to when he was in high school to make a fully informed decision. That is not what’s happened with Matt. Everyone was pretty on board from minute one. We genuinely know nothing about the guy. I’ve been following him on Instagram and he seems fun and motivated and like he’ll have a lot of energy. But after a brief discussion with my penis, we don’t think this guy is ready to settle down. You don’t go from touring the country doing “boys trips” every other week to being like, “Ya, me and Stacy P are going to stay in this weekend and watch old Survivor seasons.” I think a lot of women are perpetually in a “ready to grow up” mode and a lot of men are just trying to do everything they can before they have to grow up. Matt seemed to be getting it all in, and I’m not sure he’s done yet. There was not one post on Matt’s social media that told me Matt was ready to give up a ski trip for his fiancée’s Paint and Sip night she thought “looked cute.” But I guess we’ll see. Let’s check out the women he’ll be calling “AHHHMAAAZING” after one conversation about their grandma.

Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager

Abigail is a 25-year-old Client Financial Manager from Beaverton, Oregon who says that her favorite way to approach a guy is by “accidentally bumping into them.” This is how you know you’re hot. If you can literally fling yourself at attractive people and have that end up with a date and not a rap sheet, then you’re hot. When I bump into people they ask if I’m playing the Rosie O’Donnell part in the remake of A League Of Their Own.

Alana, 26, Photographer

Alana is a 26-year-old photographer who calls moving to Europe instead of going to college “her greatest accomplishment.” She also says, “it took her on a journey of self-discovery and exploration that really shaped her into the independent woman she is today.” We absolutely CANNOT let Alana have a social media following. Did you read those quotes?!? A journey of self-discovery?! She’s already unbearable. She took a trip to Europe on her parents’ credit card and posted some black-and-white pictures on Instagram and now she’s a “photographer” who went on a “journey of self-discovery.” She’s right on the doorstep of changing her name to “Alania” and asking us how to say the word “cucumber” in English.

Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina

Alicia is a 24-year-old professional ballerina from NYC. I’m too cynical from years of reading millennial “job” titles like “entrepreneur” and “social media strategist” that are actually just people who know the right filter for their butt. I read “24-year-old professional ballerina” and I was like, “Ya, me too! I’m actually a 35-year-old professional Astronaut/Wizard.” But I was wrong. After reading Alicia’s bio, “professional ballerina” isn’t a job you can lie about. I’m actually her biggest fan. Look at her bio: When she was only 13, she began pursuing her career as a professional ballerina. Through years of dedication and commitment to her craft, she is now proudly living her dream, dancing for the prestigious Dance Theater of Harlem.

I honestly don’t know how Alicia is going to mentally survive in the house. Someone is going to be like, “Hi I’m Lauren P! I’m a professional social media entrepreneur who aspires to one day podcast about my mental journey from the hardships of an upper middle class lifestyle!! What’s your name?!” And Alicia will have to respond, “When I was 15 I had to stand on my big toe for an hour so I could go to lunch.” I’m cheering for you, Alicia. Godspeed!

Amber, 30, Nursing Student

Amber is a 30-year-old nursing student from Costa Mesa, California, and she is the most Amber-looking Amber to ever not be a porn star. Amber is a 30-year-old single mom to a 13-year-old son and her bio says she once had to run away from a mountain lion at Joshua Tree and mentions two different dreams (one is to take care of beluga whales). I’m sorry Amber, dreams and Joshua Tree end at 29. I’m 35 and my dream is to have a good bowel movement.

Anna, 24, Copywriter

Anna is a 24-year-old copywriter from Chicago who says she dreams of writing screenplays for Hallmark movies. Well, Anna has already gotten started by writing her own life as a Hallmark movie. Her bio literally says she’s “a small-town girl, living the big city life”, and “her parents nicknamed her Hollywood”, and how she spent Friday nights at the local bowling alley, and how she was the high school cheerleading captain who “was meant for something bigger.” I swear this is every woman who has ever moved to a major city. It doesn’t matter how truly regular of a life they’ve lived, they’ll find a way to make it sound Hallmark. You’ll be like, “Hey! Where you from?!” And they’ll be like, “Oh some small, single-traffic-light town where everyone knew me as ‘Honey’ because I was sweet as sugar!” And their name will be Lauren Greenstein from Scarsdale whose dad once said, “Hey Honey! Don’t forget to tell the other Lauren Greenstein that she left her Tulane sweatshirt here last night!”

Bri, 24, Communications Manager

Bri is a 24-year-old communications manager from San Francisco who was raised by her mother and grandmother. Her bio says they “made countless sacrifices to give her a fighting shot at having a successful life.” Then it goes on to say how Bri has always outworked everyone around her and some GaryVee crap about life being “earned not promised.” I would love to see Bri explain to her grandma and mom that she’s going on The Bachelor. Can you imagine the shock?! The questions?! You make “COUNTLESS SACRIFICES” and your daughter is like, “Hey guys, I’ve put my career on hold during a global pandemic to compete against seven Laurens for a guy who’s friends with a guy who came in third place on The Bachelorette. Thank you for working three jobs so that I could get violin lessons. Without those lessons, I wouldn’t have been able to play a classical version of ‘WAP’ for my limo entrance! Oh and grandma, ‘WAP’ stands for ‘wet ass pussy’ which will be EARNED AND NOT PROMISED when I’m on this show thanks to all of your life lessons and sacrifices!!!”

Carolyn, 30, Journalist

Carolyn is a 30- year-old journalist from LA who says her ultimate date is “something spontaneous that involves traveling” which just isn’t possible. Women love to say stuff like this because it sounds good, but you should all try spontaneously traveling with a woman. I DARE YOU! I keep imagining how mad my girlfriend would be if I was like, “We’re going to the airport! I packed your bag!” She’d be like, “Where are we going?!” And I’d be like “It’s a surpri…” and then I’d look down and she’d be angrily holding up the 10 thongs I packed for her on our ski trip.

Casandra, 25, Social Worker

Casandra is a 25-year-old social worker who says, “coming on The Bachelor is the biggest risk she’s ever taken for love” and I would have to disagree. This isn’t a risk! ABC has vetted Matt more than any of your aunts have vetted their friend’s son. Has Casandra ever been on a dating app?! That’s a risk for love. Meeting a guy you have no friends in common with? A guy who has 10 pictures on Instagram of him in an array of costumes he thought were funny? That’s a risk for love. Meeting him at a restaurant, believing him when he says he’s looking for a relationship, getting to know him, believing him when he texts, “I miss your face,” going on eight more dates, meeting his friends, convincing yourself this relationship is different, telling your friends, inviting him to the holidays, and the day before he decides that meeting your dog was too much commitment so he ends it and you have to return the Dunder Mifflin shirt you got him because he would always say, “That’s what she said.” I think that’s a way bigger risk.

Chelsea, 28, Runway Model

Chelsea is a 28-year-old from Brooklyn who quit her job in corporate America to become a model. That has to be the hardest thing to do in the world. I quit my job to become a stand-up comedian and my mom reacted like I had come out of the closet. She was like, “How long have you known that you’ve been… you know… funny?!” It’s got to be way worse to leave your job to be a model. Some manager being like, “I’m sorry to see you go! What’s your plan?” And you’re like, “I’m going to be a model!” And then the manager stares at you like a painting for a full 30 seconds and after the longest silence ever they’re like, “Sure. Cool. Ok, well you’re going to have to go onto COBRA for your health insurance.”

Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager

Corrinne is a 22-year-old from Connecticut who does marketing for her family’s high-end Italian restaurant, which means she lives at home and posts on their Instagram from her white Mercedes SUV before going into yoga. Corrinne speaks like someone who wants to marry someone rich. It’s just a vibe I’m getting. Her bio says things like she wants to experience the NYC lifestyle before having kids and, “Her dream man will support her in both her personal and professional endeavors.” That sounds like something someone who had a tie-dye “company” for a month over the summer would say.

Emani, 25, Realtor

Emani is a 25-year-old realtor from Albuquerque, New Mexico who says if she could be anyone else for a day, it would be herself because she is “pretty cool.” Really?! Nobody else?! Beyoncé? Jeff Bezos? One day? You don’t want to go on a private jet? Someone offers you a day of being Kim Kardashian and you’re like, “Nope! I’m good! I’m going to hang here in Albuquerque eating green chili while staring at the beautiful New Mexico landscape. A landscape that inspired someone to write a show about a guy dying of cancer who turns to dealing crystal meth so that he can afford the medical bills.” Ok.

Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer

Illeana is a 25-year-old health food developer from NYC whose bio says she “recently co-developed her own nutritional snack called ‘Funky Munky Energy.’” I went and looked up Funky Munky Energy because,, as someone who has been trying to lose 10 pounds my whole life, I’m always looking for the delicious snack that’s going to help me achieve my dream. And what you find out is that Illeana is a model repped by Wilhelmina who is waiting for The Bachelor to drop off a couple hundred thousand Instagram followers so she can start pushing candy as “GMO-free, gluten-free, energy bites.” And I can’t have it. I just can’t. She’ll be posting pictures of her eating these bites as if any of us normal-bodied people who aren’t repped by the most famous modeling agency in the world could ever have one after a workout to hold us over until our dinner of steamed string beans. Illeana needs to be stopped. Her bio also says she has a cat who wears a bowtie and goes to the bathroom on the toilet. This is an evil person. Anyone who has a cat that could hypothetically shame me for the classiness of my poops isn’t here for my well-being, and I won’t be buying her “health foods.”

Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer

Jessenia is a 27-year-old social media marketer from San Antonio who was Miss El Paso in 2016. Her bio says “her soul mate also must love dogs because Jessenia currently has three of them!” That’s one of those things that makes you realize how unfair we are to cat people. Jessenia is sitting here with three dogs and we’re like, “CAYYUUTTE!” If she had three cats then we’d assume she spends the weekends wearing her old Miss El Paso sash and crown while giving acceptance speeches to her cats. Three dogs is just as bad. Isn’t that someone who needs too much affection?!!? How much of her day is spent getting licked by her dogs because they smell her lunch, but she calls them kisses? I can’t imagine dating Jessenia is fun. You wouldn’t be able to keep up. You’d be like, “What’s wrong?!?” and she’d be like, “You didn’t give me my 20-minute hug today!!” I now await your “I take offense to any and all dog criticism” hate mail!!!

Kaili, 26, Hostess

Kaili is a 26-year-old hostess from Chicago who says she’s never dated anyone that her family has truly been excited about. That might be tough for her ex to read, and it’s also something you’ll never see in the bios of the male contestants for The Bachelorette. There are rarely subtle digs at an ex in those, because men are in total fear of every woman they’ve ever dated. Women keep the receipts! Go look at those 40-picture-long Instagram story tributes to a friend you haven’t seen in three years! We know you have a phone full of screenshots that show how stupid and gross and awful we are, so we treat exes like someone we worked with on a movie who was difficult during the production. We say stuff like, “Oh I love Kaili! We’re just two different people!! The one thing about Kaili is that Kaili is going to be Kaili!! She’s a great hostess!! Really knows how to put a menu on the table!!” and then we fake-laugh until you move on to the next subject.

Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager

Katie is a 29-year-old bank marketing manager from Renton, Washington who says she’s “done wasting her time on boys who won’t live up to her expectations” and that nothing turns her off more than someone who sits around playing video games or a man who tries to kiss her at the inopportune moment. That’s so specific that it must describe her last boyfriend exactly. That’s my biggest fear. Having an ex go on The Bachelor and reading a bio that’s like, “I just want a man who can meet my standards. You know, someone who can stop doing immature things like laughing at his own farts and being from a suburb of Boston and having poop streaks on the back of his toilet and having a dad named Gerry and getting up in the middle of the night to eat cheese eight different times and then complaining the next day about how he can’t understand why the workouts he’s doing aren’t helping a lot more! You know, immature BOYS like THAT! I need a man!!”

Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate

Khaylah is a 28-year-old healthcare advocate from Durham who says her life is all about giving back and she lives for a good tailgate. That sentence could mean such a range of things based on how you give back and how you tailgate. Like, it seems as though Khaylah genuinely does a lot of good and she enjoys a tailgate. Someone reading this is thinking, “Ya, me too!” while remembering the time they drank tequila from a shoe at a tailgate where they let a homeless guy funnel a beer. We all tailgate and give back in different ways!

Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter

Kimberly is a 28-year-old airline recruiter from Seattle who looks like she keeps a key in her pocket that doesn’t work on her house but is specifically for keying an ex’s car. Kimberly’s bio says she has no fears except finding out she’s dating a guy with a foot fetish. To me, that’s the best fetish to find out about. Constant foot rubs with essential oils and the ability to get someone off by simply scrunching your toes!? Sounds like a win. Sure, it’s jarring to find out your partner likes feet, but I’d argue that any fetish is jarring to find out about. You think finding out your partner is a furry is easy?! Now you gotta dress up as a jacked rabbit to get them off?! You know how hot those costumes must be in the summer? And how expensive?! And how much closet space they take up?! People would come over and ask why the basement looked like the green room at the Six Flags Looney Tunes show. I’ll take the foot fetish any day of the week.

Kit, 21, Fashion Entrepreneur

Kit is a 21-year-old fashion entrepreneur from NYC who looks like your friend’s sister who got really hot in college. And now you ask about her randomly and your friend is starting to be like, “Why do you keep asking about Kit?!!?”

Kit’s bio says that men in flip-flops make her mad and that she’s “a true born-and-raised New Yorker.” This is how rich New Yorkers avoid being viewed as privileged. They say stuff like “I’m a born-and-raised New Yorker” and let you imagine what that means so it can elevate them above the “basic losers” who moved to NYC and live in Stuy-Town with a roommate. Kit’s bio goes on to say she’s living with her parents in the West Village. You know, the mean streets of the most expensive part of the island with all of those “born-and-raised New Yorkers” where they have REAL problems like men’s footwear! Kit is going to be annoying. She’s 21 but she’ll act 48 and as if she “gets it” because she went to public school even though it took auditions/testing/tutors/extreme wealth to get in.

Kristin, 27, Attorney

Kristin is a 27-year-old attorney from Virginia Beach who says she “needs someone who isn’t afraid of being openly affectionate” and that she “does not share food, unless both parties have previously agreed upon it.” That’s a VERY confusing person. You’re out one night, holding hands, rubbing the small of her back, giving her a little credit card swipe of the ass crack when nobody is looking and then all of a sudden you go to grab a french fry from her plate and she’s like, “DID WE DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THE FRIES?!?” And how does she agree upon food sharing? Is there a contract?! Looking at the menu with Kristen on the first date must sound like you’re two basketball GMs trying to figure out a trade: “So I’ll get the burger and you’ll get the pasta. I’ll be giving you one quarter of my burger in exchange for seven strands of pasta with one eighth of a meatball. I can give up six fries but that’ll cost you an inch of garlic bread.”

Lauren, 29, Corporate Attorney

Lauren is a 29-year-old corporate attorney from Miami who says that “none of the guys she has dated in the past have truly been her best friend, and she’s hoping to change that here with Matt.” Whoever first said, “I’m dating my best friend” legitimately ruined a whole generation of daters. Because at some point your girlfriend will turn to you and dramatically say, “You’re my best friend” and you can almost hear the music from Dawson’s Creek playing in their head. It’s the step that comes between “I love you” and engagement that every relationship has to go through, and it’s annoying. I’ve never even thought of calling anyone my best friend. I have friends, family, and people who were once acquaintances whose social media I now talk sh*t about. That’s really it for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Whenever my girlfriend says it to me, I want to fart on her and be like, “You too buddy!!” and see how it goes over.

Magi, 32, Pharmacist

Magi is 32-year-old pharmacist from Adwa, Ethiopia who came to this country by winning the Diversity Visa Lotto. I went and looked it up on Wikipedia and it said the lotto “makes available 55,000 immigrant visas annually and aims to diversify the immigrant population in the United States, by selecting applicants from countries with low numbers of immigrants in the previous five years.” That’s truly amazing and I hope to god that we get to see the moment another woman on the show tries to glow-up her story to sound interesting while in front of Magi. She’ll be like, “My parents immigrated to Boca Raton, Florida from the mountains of Long Island.” and then she’ll be like, “Magi, where are you from!?” And Magi will say something along the lines of, “I saw the Hollywood sign for the first time thanks to a one-in-a-million opportunity to come to this country. But I’m sure that was embarrassing when you didn’t know what a pub sub was.”

Mari, 24, Marketing Director

Mari is a 24-year-old marketing director from Odenton, Maryland who looks like someone on 90 Day Fiancé who’s been talking to a guy online for eight years but he still doesn’t have her phone number. She’s a former beauty queen who won Miss Maryland USA in 2019 and placed top 10 at Miss USA. The pageant world crosses over so much with the Bachelor world, and it has to be because The Bachelor is basically a pageant in itself. You tell your story, there’s kind of an unsaid bathing suit competition, interesting hobbies always get featured. The only difference is that the final three can choose to sleep with the judge. And honestly, that would make me watch a few more pageants. I’d even watch a male pageant just to see a female judge give a Roman Emperor-style thumbs down at a good looking guy who wouldn’t go down on her.

Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator

Marylynn is a 28-year-old event coordinator from Studio City, California who says she loves Disneyland and hopes to start a nonprofit that helps the environment reduce and eventually eradicate single-use plastic. 2020/21 isn’t the year to start dating Marylynn. I wouldn’t have the energy for it. There’s so much going on—a global pandemic, racial inequality, a growing wealth gap, and now I’d have to go to Disneyland so I can be an enabler for someone’s deranged princess fantasy?! And then add in the possibility that she could get mad at me for using a straw? Nope. I’m not signing up for that. She’d be like, “IS THAT A STRAW?!” And I’d run away, take the guy dressed as Crush the turtle from Finding Nemo hostage, and throw our bodies in front of one of the teacups.

MJ, 23, Hair Stylist

MJ is a 23-year-old hairstylist from Hudson, Ohio who looks like she’s going to try and sell you crystals as a skin care routine. I can tell MJ is very difficult to date. She’s from a small town and her bio says, “MJ is very social and wants to find a man who will let her maintain her independence and won’t add unnecessary drama to her life.” That is the language of a hot woman who RUNS her small town. She’s out at a dive bar in Hudson and she’s laughing at some truck driver named Randy’s jokes and her boyfriend (who thinks Cleveland “has too many people”) is like, “Hey! What are you guys laughing about!?” And MJ is like, “Stop being so dramatic!! You hate when I’m independent!” And then MJ sits on the truck driver’s lap and her boyfriend is like, “Do you want another drink?” And MJ’s like, “Randy wants a Budweiser” and then she loudly whispers to Randy, “He hates how social I am.”

Pieper, 23, Graduate Student

Pieper is a 23-year-old graduate student from Happy Valley, Oregon who looks like she stars in a Disney series. Pieper’s bio says that she “is not into picnics because the idea of sitting on the ground and eating is not appealing to her.” I’ve never agreed with a statement more in my life. I’m never sitting on the ground again. From this day forth I will never look like a kindergartner during snack time. I will never again be criss-cross-apple-saucing and having my balls go numb while hunching over a paper plate. I want to vote for Pieper for President. I want to create a secret police that throws people in jail for sitting on the ground while eating. I want to take this opportunity to tell people that if they ever invite me to sit on the ground for a picnic, I will pick up their sandwich, lick it, kick their picnic basket over and then never speak to them again. Thank you, Pieper, for giving me the strength to live my truth.

Rachael, 24, Graphic Designer

Rachael is a 24-year-old graphic designer from Cumming, Georgia who describes herself as a “hopeless romantic.” Here’s a quote from Rachael:

“At the end of the day, love is what makes your life more special than others. Life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times, but if you have someone by your side that loves you more than they love themselves, that makes it all worth it in the end.”

This is why I can’t stand anyone who describes themself as a “hopeless romantic.” They say crap like that and you can’t really question them. We all just kind of nod our heads. But, “life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times.” Ummm what happened to Rachael!? Couldn’t she have stopped at “difficult?” What are we getting into with Rachael? “Dark” could literally mean anything from “a guy ghosted Rachael” to “Rachael partied on a haunted burial ground in high school and now her whole family is dead.”

Saneh, 25, IT Consultant

Saneh is a 25-year-old IT consultant from Denver who says she “loves any activity that puts her in the great outdoors—from hiking and kayaking to sunrise yoga at Red Rocks Amphitheater.” You see stuff like this all of the time on dating apps. This “active, fit, I’m always outside, adventure person” and I’ve never actually met them in real life. Maybe Saneh does sunrise yoga but like, what about sleeping until 11 and having to remember where you are because you drank too much last night? It’s just always all fitness and no reality. These people are like koalas—I’ve seen pictures but never a real one in daylight. Like, I have friends. I’ve dated. I have a girlfriend. She has friends. Not one of those people is ever like, “Let’s get a beer next week after I come back from belaying off a rock face!” If anything, it’s the opposite. Every person I know is like, “Sometimes I make nachos with American cheese slices because that’s the only thing that makes me happy.” Maybe all of these outdoors people are in Denver. They all march up and down mountains and discuss IPAs and the things they keep in their cargo pockets.

Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist

Sarah is a 24-year-old broadcast journalist from San Diego whose picture seems computer generated to show you how a perfectly symmetrical face would look. Sarah’s bio says that “finding a man whose commitment to faith is as strong as hers” is very important. Why do these people come on The Bachelor? I’ll never understand how someone’s like, “Wait, there’s a show where one man dates 30 women?! And I can apply?! Well, gosh darn it! I hope he likes going to church after he’s gotten blown by all 30!!”

Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant

Serena C. is a 24-year-old flight attendant from San Francisco who says she “needs a man who wants to be professionally successful, but is also a free spirit like her with dreams of traveling the world.” That quote shows you how delusional young people are about their future partner. There’s no such thing as a professionally successful free spirit. You get one or the other. You either get a flip flop-wearing, Ayahuasca-drinking, back of the plane-sitting, Airbnb-staying poor person, or you get a belt-wearing, decaf coffee-drinking, first class-sitting, five star hotel-staying rich person. And if you want kids, then you get a minivan and a mediocre house with one trip to Disney that makes you want to abandon those kids at five years old. At 24, your Elon Musk is out there and as you get older you just hope your partner has no college debt.

Serena P., 22, Publicist

Serena P. is a 22-year-old publicist from Toronto who says she is “chronically hangry.” That’s just a coded way of saying “I’m an asshole who doesn’t take responsibility for my behavior.” I put describing yourself as “hangry” in the same category as saying “I’m just sarcastic” and “nobody gets my sense of humor” and “everyone’s so sensitive.” These are all assholes who, instead of making any changes or looking in the mirror at all, give themselves a character description and we all have to just accept it. It’s always, “Sorry I was just hangry! This is what happens when you don’t feed me!!” As if they’re a 4-year-old who has the ability to pay rent but no strength to open the fridge for an apple. I’m going to start calling myself “Horngry” anytime I get mad and then go masturbate and come out of the bathroom and be like, “Sorry! I was just horngry! That’s what happens when you don’t lick my nuts!!”

Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist

Sydney is a 28-year-old marketing specialist from Nashville who says her family would describe her as “opinionated.” I love that. Your family will always describe you with very kind honesty. I can see a dad being asked about Sydney and the dad rolling his eyes while simply saying, “She’s got a lot of OPINIONS.” That means she doesn’t hold back even when it’s annoying and she probably should. It’s why your uncle calls your cousin who has a lot of sex “flirty.” And your mom calls your racist uncle “a drunk.” This all means Sydney is about to be your next favorite person on The Bachelor. She will be the voice of the audience. I’m counting on her to ask one of the woman how they became a 21-year-old “fashion entrepreneur” and if the fashion entrepreneur company is taking any new hires soon.

Victoria, 27, Queen

Victoria’s awful, but I think that’s what she wants us to think. Her whole bio is basically saying that she’s on the show to make a name for herself. She described her job as “Queen” and mentions a “jetsetter lifestyle” and says that spirituality plays a big role in her life and she loves that she has no filter. Like, those are all squares in the game of Douchebag Bingo. I’ve always dreamt of living my life the way Victoria describes hers. Walking around without that voice in her head that’s just screaming, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU JUST USED THE WORD SPIRITUALITY AND IF ANYONE ASKED YOU WHAT THAT MEANT THEN YOU’D HAVE NO ANSWER!!! YOU’RE LIVING TOO FAST AND LOOSE!! YOU’RE NOT A QUEEN WHO JET-SETS!! YOU WENT TO A MEDIOCRE STATE SCHOOL AND YOU’LL BE LUCKY TO EVER RETIRE!!” So, yes, Victoria’s awful but I also envy her.

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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin

Presented by SkinnyPop

Welcome back, Betchelor Nation, to the 24th annual Hunger Games season of The Bachelor! It’s the start of a new decade, and the good people over at ABC decided to respond in kind by shaking things up this season with a Bachelor so diverse, so dynamic, that he’s unlike any we’ve seen befor—wait, what’s that you say? The Bachelor this year is just a moderately attractive Delta pilot who happened to live down the street from the Bachelor mansion? Christ.  

On that note, I’ll be your resident recapper for the season, and if you’re wondering what makes me qualified for such an esteemed position, let’s just say I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and tears the deterioration of my liver. If you have any issues with the recaps, you can take it up in your group chat because the comments section is strictly for praise and adoration only, it says so in my contract. Now, shall we get to recapping?

We’re told right away that the premiere episode will be three soul-sucking hours long, because I can only assume that production is trying to test the limits of our sanity and resolutions only six days into the new year. Tonight you betches are in for a real treat, though, because in addition to my dog, I’ll be watching the episode with my neighbor who has watched approximately one episode of this show ever. She’s already asked me things like “is there a grand prize at the end?” and “do all the contestants live in one house like The Real World?” So, this should be fun. 

We start things off with ABC’s apology tour a brief reminder that even though we campaigned for, begged for, and wrote thinly veiled threats on Twitter for Mike Johnson to be the Bachelor this season, we’re still getting Pilot Pete. ABC does, however, treat us to a montage of Peter salsa dancing in the kitchen with his family, if only to remind us that he’s ~diverse~, just in case we forgot.  Subtle, ABC, real subtle.

It’s at this point in the program that my neighbor leans over and asks me why Peter is talking about his love life to his Uber driver. She is referring to Chris MOTHERF*CKING Harrison. I’m dead. 

PETER: I’m the Bachelor, I don’t know what I did to deserve this. 

Um, you were a conventionally attractive white man in America, Peter. That’s what you did to deserve this.

One of my favorite parts of the first episode are when we get to see the new contestants at home before they come on the show. In fact, I LIVE for it because then we get to see very early on who is on the show because of their daddy issues and who is on the show for the right reasons because their agent advised them to do reality TV to up their Instagram sponsorships. It’s fun! Here are my first impressions:

☆ Calling it right now Hannah Ann is the winner, or at least makes it to the bitter end. A southern girl who just likes to model and then make it to Sunday dinner with her family?? You will go far, girlfriend.
☆ Victoria Paul is hot nurse with a sob story. She’s like The CW’s wet dream. If she doesn’t win this entire thing then her life story will definitely be the backstory of a character on Riverdale next season.
☆ Hmm… are we really to believe this Madison character is a seasoned basketball player? Because this feels made up to me. If she’s a basketball player then I’m a model for the next “My Levi’s” campaign.

The Limo Entrances

We’re now 25 minutes into this three-hour episode and we’ve already made it to the limo entrances. Things don’t start off great. One of the women says that Peter looks like a doll, and I’m sure he loves that the women are talking about him like they’re his aunts and this is his first communion. Then there’s Eunice, who thinks she’s special because she’s a flight attendant. Oh, honey. If you thought ABC wasn’t going to take advantage of the Delta pilot thing by making sure that no less than half the house was made up of flight attendants, and maybe even a few aspiring flight attendants, then I just feel sad for you. 

Another girl rolls in with her emotional support cow named Ashley P. Tbh I feel more kindred to the animal than the girl who brought her here because, like Ashely P, I too am an emotional support cow.

The low point of these entrances has to be when a grown-ass woman decides that the best way to introduce herself to the man she might marry one day is by showing up as actual baggage. Like, girl, no need to be so literal about it! He’s going to find out about your trust issues soon enough, just let him find out the old-fashioned way: after you call him 50 times in a row because he didn’t like your tweet right when you posted it. Yeesh.

Wait, I spoke too soon. A girl just said “hairless p*ssy” on national TV. This the true low point and proof that we’re in the Bad Place. Let’s just call 2020 a wash and light it on fire.

I will say I’m intrigued by Kelley, who tells us that she is a woman from Peter’s past. Apparently they met in a hotel lobby pre-production? He was there for his high school reunion and she was… stalking him? Idk. It’s unclear. She must have made quite the impression on him, though. I can’t relate. The only impression I ever make in a hotel lobby is on the concierge, and that’s because even though it explicitly states on their website that they don’t have a continental breakfast, I still vehemently express how disappointed I am about this and threaten to call the police. To each their own, though.

And just as I truly thought these entrances were going to be a waste of my time, who should pop out of the limo next but Hannah f*cking Brown. I’m not so much shocked that she came out of the limo as I’m shocked that ABC just like, showed us this content 50 minutes into an episode. They didn’t even hold it hostage and emotionally waterboard us with 90 minutes of fluff footage before they aired it!! Wow, this is growth. 

Hannah claims that she just wanted to stop by to drop off Peter’s wings he gave her last season, which is definitely why she went to her Dancing with the Stars glam team and demanded full hair and makeup. Honestly, I’m here for it. The sparks are FLYING. 

MY NEIGHBOR: She’s cute. They should get back together. 

I mean, tell me the lie though!!!

The Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

We quickly transition into the first cocktail party and rose ceremony of the season, and I’m concerned by how quickly this episode is progressing. Where is the footage from Shirley’s viewing party in Lansing, MI that no one asked for? Why haven’t we seen ANY footage of Ashley I and Jared holding court in a random bar like they’re regular people for absolutely no reason at all? I don’t trust it. 

Hannah Ann starts things off strong by giving Peter her latest Wine ‘N Design. She definitely brought this home beaming with pride, and then when her roommates claimed it “just doesn’t fit our aesthetic” decided she would present it to the Bachelor on national TV to shove it in their faces. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Hannah Ann might be drunk.

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What did you think of night 1? Who are your favs? Leave your reactions, comments, and questions below!! 🌹

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The night does not improve. I’m actually alarmed by the amount of women physically assaulting Peter with their lips. One girl even handcuffs him and makes him kiss her for the key! If this happens one more time, I’m calling a hotline. 

Okay, one girl who is KILLING it tonight is little Miss Hotel Lobby. At one point, Peter asks Kelley how she could possibly still be on the market and it’s like, okay what really happened in this lobby? ‘Cause I’m not buying that all that happened between them was one side hug and some small talk about the LA weather.

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann successfully manages to steal three more “quick chats” with Peter and even scores some light groping. I stand by my earlier comment about her being drunk. Classic.

It’s time to hand out the First Impression Rose, and my immediate thought is that it’s going to Kelley. I mean, it’s not every day you get a second chance with the girl who gave you a handie in the hotel lobby’s bathroom, amiright? So I’m shocked that he gives it to Hannah Ann. 

PETER: I really appreciate the aggressiveness. It really touched me. Seriously. You would not stop touching me. You wouldn’t leave me the f*ck alone. 

Awww. That’s sweet.

And that moves us into the rose ceremony. Truly, this episode is FLYING by. The rose ceremony is kind of a snooze. Production doesn’t even attempt to drum up the tension, and it goes about how you’d expect: Maurissa, Katrina, Kylie, Avonlea, Eunice, Jade, Jenna, and Megan all get the boot. Katrina, the girl whose bio read like my personal hellscape as she described every single person in her family being married (including her younger sister!!), doesn’t even have a full-blown panic attack on her way out. I’m disappointed. 

The First Group Date

Once again, we are moving at the speed of light through this episode, as it’s only 9pm and we are already getting into the first group date. After it’s announced who will be joining Peter on the group date, Peter casually swings by the Bach mansion in his plane, and all 20 women have one synchronized orgasm at the sight. 

For the group date, the women will be learning how to crochet. Kidding! OF COURSE it will be all about flying, because ABC is not done hammering home the fact that Peter is a pilot. And to instruct the women on the trials and tribulations of becoming a pilot, we are introduced to two of the most cynical, no-nonsense women I’ve ever seen on this franchise. It’s nice to feel represented for once. 

I love that ABC is trying to convince us that these 12 women are going to be able to fly a plane at the end of this when I’m almost certain they needed an extra 50 hours of driving school to pass their DMV test. Jesus, what is this, the GRE? What is with this math quiz?

Hot Victoria tells us that her biggest fear is motion sickness, which is fun because my biggest fear is crippling loneliness and looking into the yawning pit that is my career and future, but please tell me more about this traumatizing teacup ride from your childhood. 

This obstacle course post-flight school feels random, but I’m just thankful ABC didn’t actually think to put them in a plane after that. Little Miss Hotel Lobby wins the obstacle course and a private plane ride with Peter despite Tammy setting her aflame with her mind. I just love how pissed these girls are at Kelley. Like, yeah she cheated, but this is The Bachelor, a lawless land of a show. What did they expect?

Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening, and Hot Victoria is really playing up this illness thing. I mean, that’s why she’s wearing those heinous glasses, right? She’s trying to remind Peter that only hours ago she was vomiting up her breakfast because of the “motion sickness,” and not at all because Psycho Tammy put whole milk instead of almond milk in her morning coffee—look at this sacrifice she made for you, Peter!! 

We find out that the hotel they’re using for this cocktail hour is in fact the same hotel that Peter totally banged Kelley in. What fortuitous circumstances for our girl, Kel. Kelley is GIDDY with this information and is probably hoping to reenact their first bj “run-in” in the aforementioned hotel lobby tonight. And here I thought WWIII was going to start over that whole Iran thing, but now I’m thinking it might start in this very hotel lobby when the other girls find out Kelley’s secret. 

Peter gives Kelley the group date rose, and I’m happy for her. Usually the guys I meet in hotel lobbies, or random bars, or the parking lot of the World of Beer at 2am when everyone else has paired off for the night except for me and this last guy standing by a Toyota, don’t even give me a head nod the next time I bump into them, let alone a f*cking rose. Good for you, girl. Live the dream.

Madison’s One-On-One Date

Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the season, and I have nothing much to say about this except I’m offended by that little pink jersey dress. It’s less appropriate for a day date with America’s most eligible bachelor and more appropriate for the clearance section of my hometown’s Wet Seal. Do better, Madison.

Wait. Is Peter bringing her home for the first date? TO HIS PARENTS’ VOW RENEWAL?! And seated right up front in hot pink. Wow. Okay. And to think, my cousin wouldn’t even give me a plus-one to her wedding! I see how it is. 

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How do we get in this family?! Did you feel the love 🌹❤️🌹#thebachelor #bachelornation

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Madison is doing the most on this date. Not only does she give a little speech at the ceremony despite being a literal stranger to these people, she even lets Peter’s mom force feed her cake at one point, which has to be the first carb she’s eaten in her entire adult life.

I’m watching her recount this beautiful day she and Peter shared with each other and in my mind all I can think is: “this will not end well for you when the others find out.” 

I love how they like to emotionally masturbate to their parents’ love stories. It’s like a circle jerk for familial love. It’s so off-putting. “Oh, your parents have been together for 30 years? God that’s good! I love that! Give me more!” I bet Madison’s parents are divorced.

MADISON: You remind me of my dad, which is good because I have daddy issues.

Madison gets a rose at the end of the date, but I expected she would. She really earned it the second she pretended to eat that Costco party cake and enjoy it.

The Second Group Date

Peter starts things off by telling us he’s merely a puppet in the Greek tragedy the producers hope to make of his personal life, and that he has absolutely no idea what they’ve planned for this second group date. In fact, all he knows is that a “good friend” is the mastermind behind today’s group date. And what do you know! This “good friend” is none other than Hannah Brown! The devil works hard, but ABC works harder.

Hannah starts things off by telling the girls a fun story about the one time she f*cked the guy they’re all interested in, and that for the date they’re all going to have to bare their souls sexual sins to a live audience. It’s all in good fun and not at all an act of malicious jealousy! Nope!

Okay, wow, Hannah is having a tough time with this. Peter finds her crying in a back room and she tells him that she’s really struggling with helping him find his co-pilot. He’s like “oh, so that first night you weren’t just there because it’s in your contract? You might actually like me?” YES, YOU IDIOT! Did you see the dress she had on that night? My god!

Hannah says she still loves Peter and that she’s really f*cked up. I understand this sentiment. It’s something I said when I drunk dialed my ex boyfriend at midnight on New Year’s Eve. We’ve all been there, girl. It’s like, do you really miss him or do you just want to sabotage his future love and happiness because it will make you feel good? Neither is a wrong answer, by the way. 

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??? #thebachelor

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Honestly, I’m rooting for these two. When he says he wishes she would have asked him out on “After The Final Rose” instead of Tyler, my cold, dead heart started beating again. GAH JUST BE WITH HER ALREADY, PETER!!

PETER: Do you regret sending me home?
HANNAH: Yeah, Peter. All the time. 

YEAH PETER, ALL THE TIME. I AM UNWELL. 

You guys, it feels like they might get together? Idk, are we getting a new Bachelor next week?? Honestly, I wouldn’t be mad about it, but I guess we’ll have to wait until Monday to find out. Until then!

Images: Giphy (1); ABC (3); @bachelornation /Instagram (1); @thebacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)

We’re just a few short days away from the premiere of Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor. Thank god, I was starting to get a little too productive on Monday nights. Get your wine and yoga pants ready, because the contestants have been announced (are three flight attendants really necessary?), the bar has been set high, and we’re ready for our annual Bachelor hiatus to end. I, for one, always love to see what new and inventive terms the contestants will come up with to mean “aspiring influencer”. (“Content creator”, anyone?) So, in anticipation of the new season, we’ve rounded up the craziest job titles from the past few seasons.

Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast

Season: Ben Higgins

When it comes to Tiara, I just need more details. What kind of chicken? Does she prefer nuggets or tenders? Is she a breast or a leg girl? Has she tried the Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich? And if not, can she even call herself an enthusiast? Does she, too, want a man to get her Chick-fil-A on Sunday like that contestant on Pilot Pete’s season? This job title leaves me wanting more, and I feel like it’s my journalistic duty to interview her and get all the facts about how enthusiastic she is about her love of chicken.

Daniel, Canadian

Season: JoJo Fletcher

Okay, I’m curious what exactly a professional Canadian does. I imagine they say “eh” a lot, play hockey, eat Canadian bacon, and love Justin Bieber, Drake, and Ryan Gosling. But if you have any other hypotheses about what it means to represent the entire country of Canada as your profession, without being the Prime Minister, please let me know your thoughts. 

Heather, Never Been Kissed

Season: Colton Underwood

This is a lie, I’m sorry. Heather, there is no way you HAVEN’T ever been kissed. She just wanted to top the virgin on the show and this was the next best thing. Or maybe she thought she was supposed to write down her favorite movie instead of her job? Either way, I’m not f*cking buying it.

James, Bachelor Superfan

Season: JoJo Fletcher

This was genius and I want to shake James S.’s hand and thank him. I can almost hear the gleeful screeches from groups of women at watch parties declaring him their dream man. An attractive single male who loves The Bachelor and can help me with my fantasy bracket? WHERE CAN I SIGN UP? Whatever happened to this guy anyway? Can we get eyes on James S. ASAP?

Alexis, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

Season: Nick Viall

I, too, love dolphins and definitely wrote down “dolphin trainer” in elementary school as what I wanted to be when I grow up. But that was elementary school, and not on national television. And I can’t help but feel like I need an update on the status of Alexis’s aspirations. Going on The Bachelor brought her nowhere closer to achieving that dream—probably further from it, to be honest, since we realized she can’t even tell a dolphin from a shark. But she does have her line of hoop earrings, so she has something, even if that something is not dolphins.

Tony, Healer

Season: Kaitlyn Bristowe

WTF does this even mean? Is Tony a “doctor” that focuses on natural remedies? Is he a therapist? Is he just like my manipulative ex-boyfriend who claimed he was a “spiritual healer” which actually just meant he would bully people until they broke down so he could build them back up? Whatever the case may be, Tony definitely sounds like he did a lot of drugs at Burning Man and just declared himself a professional healer in the middle of the Nevada desert. He kinda looks like he just escaped a fire, so maybe he should use some of that magical energy on himself. Has he ever actually healed anyone? Also, what insurance does he take? Inquiring minds need to know.

Rachel, Unemployed

Season: Ben Higgins

Honestly, props to this girl for being honest. She’s not trying to make us believe she’s anything other than what she is. Look, the girl is 23, of course she’s unemployed. These people who come on here at age 22 and say they own a business are just liars. I guess this was before we could all just call ourselves influencers, so good for her. Respect, Rachel!

Jonathan, Tickle Monster

Season: Rachel Lindsay

Yeahhh, “tickle monster” sounds like a bootleg Sesame Street character, not a profession for a 31-year-old man. Jonathan is like that lingering guy at the bar who does not get the hint when you tell him you “have a boyfriend” that it means you’re not interested, forcing you and your friends to move to the other side of the bar. If an adult man ever tried to tickle me, I would call the cops, and that’s not an exaggeration.

Lucy, Free Spirit

Season: Juan Pablo Galavis

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel like people who are actually free spirits don’t declare themselves as such. It’s kind of like calling yourself a hipster. Lucy probably just did acid at Coachella one time while wearing a flower crown, and here we are. I’d love to see her these days, because I have a feeling she realized that she needs money to live, and has a boring job like the rest of us. Being a free spirit isn’t so cute when you can’t move out of your mom’s house.

Evan, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist

Season: JoJo Fletcher

Please always remember that before Evan married Carly and had two kids with her that he was an erectile dysfunction specialist. I mean, this is just incredible. He’s basically advertising his sexual abilities via his job title. Like, he literally specializes in guys not being able to perform, implying that he’s an expert in it, and I admire that. Even if it’s not true, which it probably isn’t, you’ve only got one shot on this thing (unless you’re Chris Bukowski) so why not lay it all out on the table? Of course, he still has his ED clinic, and has recently been in some legal hot water over making misleading claims.

Hayley & Emily, Twins

Season: Ben Higgins

I will say that even though “twins” is not a real job, Haley and Emily might just be the closest thing to professional twins this world has ever seen. I mean, they were a package duo even on Paradise, and even tried to have a spin-off show that just focused on them being completely incompetent at life. Most twins I know didn’t even want to attend the same college, so I guess I respect Haley and Emily leaning into their one strength.

Lucas, Whaboom

Season: Rachel Lindsay

Lucas, your dumb little catchphrase was an embarrassingly overt attempt to make sure you got your 15 minutes. Now, I get that all of these people must want their 15 minutes, or else they would go on a dating app and not a reality TV show, but Lucas didn’t do it very deftly. Frankly, I’m annoyed that the producers even humored him by casting him at all. The fun of watching The Bachelor is pretending that all these people are there for the right reasons and not to become Instagram influencers, even when we know they’re all going to become influencers anyway.

Kelly, Dog Lover

Season: Juan Pablo Galavis

Honestly, I’m a huge dog lover, so this is my dream job. Although it’s not exactly clear how one could make a living off of loving dogs, because if you could, every single person on Instagram in 2019 would be a millionaire. Kelly, tell us your secret! We could solve world hunger! If I had to guess, I’d say Kelly walks dogs sometimes and maybe even started an Instagram for her parents’ dog, and it has 700 followers to date. Chase those dreams, girl!

Kamil, Social Media Participant

Season: Becca Kufrin

Kamil, I hate to break it to you, but we’re ALL social media participants. You might as well have put “human man” as your job title. He is definitely the guy who has a passion for starting Twitter wars with strangers on the internet. Or maybe he was just getting a head start on his post-Bachelorette career, which doesn’t appear to have worked out too well for him. 

I honestly don’t even understand the point of giving the contestants job titles at all, considering half of them are fake and all of them just want to shill weight loss tea. But at least it gives us entertainment and extra fuel for our roasts.

Images: ABC (15)

Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! For my New Year’s resolution I said I was done entertaining toxic relationships, but what do you know? I guess I’m back on my bullsh*t. That’s right, people, my most toxic relationship to date, The Bachelor, is finally back in our lives. I don’t know about y’all, but it feels like I’ve waited longer for this season to air than Colton’s waited to see a vagina. Personally, I can’t wait to watch Chris Harrison explain that it only hurts the first time the birds and the bees in between rose ceremonies, but I hear that might not even be the most dramatic thing to happen on our screens this season! There’s already talk of a girl faking an Australian accent (among other things I’m sure), another girl whose tweets are more problematic than my grandma at Thanksgiving dinner, and footage of what appears to be Colton fleeing the Bachelor mansion during this season’s promo?? Damn, it’s good to be home. So let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Side note: I was not aware prior to sitting down three seconds before this episode started that it would be THREE GODDAMN HOURS long. I’m so distraught. If the people at ABC think that just because I’ve had 2-3 glasses of wine and am captivated by human train wrecks dressed in evening wear, that I’ll actually sit through 180 minutes of this bullsh*t then they’d absolutely be correct. Carry on.

Why do I have a strong feeling that the first hour is going to include some sort of crude sex ed class taught by Chris Harrison? Hmm?

Oh, looks like I’m mistaken. Instead of sex ed, ABC thought it was actually pertinent to show us Shirley’s sh*tty viewing party in Lansing, Michigan. I’d like to tell Chris about my viewing party. It’s me alone chugging rosé and NyQuil and mumbling about THE NERVE of them for dragging this out for three hours, but I digress. When will the ABC understand that it’s torture enough to even watch The Bachelor, let alone watch people watching The Bachelor?

I guess Chris Harrison finally feels like throwing us a bone, because he takes a break from interviewing Bachelor has-beens to actually show us some footage from Colton’s season. So kind of him. The camera rolls and we get our first look at the girls this season. You know, assuming you haven’t been Instagram stalking them since the day ABC released their names and faces. Some immediate thoughts I’m having:

– I already don’t trust Cassie the surf instructor/speech pathologist/ridiculously good-looking human. At some point she gets nailed in the face by a wave and her hair, makeup, and attitude remain flawless. If that’s not sorcery then I don’t know what is.

– Alabama Hannah is absolutely terrifying. She’s showing far too much enthusiasm for a guy who most definitely will not be able to find her clit the first few times they hook up.

– Heather is 22, beautiful, and claims she’s never been kissed before. I’m just not buying it. I have a feeling her idea of “never been kissed” means if you’re blackout then it doesn’t count. Sorry, hunnie, but if that didn’t work for me freshman year it sure as hell isn’t going to work for you now!

– Demi is making me Google the age restrictions for this show because she doesn’t even look old enough to be menstruating. Seriously, how old is this girl?? Also, her mom is a felon, a story which I’m sure will get her halfway through the season at the very least.

The camera finally pans to this season’s Bachelor, Colton Underwood, whose biggest trauma in life is that he is good-looking, but a virgin.

Tragic.

COLTON: I never expected to be the next Bachelor. I don’t know how it happened.

ALSO COLTON: *campaigns for it for over a year* *slides into ABC’s DMs every chance he gets* 

COLTON: I guess I’m just lucky.

Yeah, lucky.

The Limo Intros:

We’re now 52 minutes into this episode and Chris Harrison is like “should we start the limo intros now?” YOU THINK? At this point, I’m three glasses of wine deep. I’ve seen an infant be interviewed, more footage of Shirley’s viewing party then I ever asked for, and two randoms get engaged BUT I HAVE NOT SEEN ONE GODDAMN THING THAT RELATES TO THIS EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR. I’m at the point where I want to strangle Chris Harrison with my bare hands.

CHRIS HARRISON: I’m bummed I have to work tonight and can’t just hang out with my Bachelor family.

ME: Well, Chris, I’m bummed you won’t get to the f*cking point of this show. We all have our crosses to bear.

Demi is the first one out of the limo and she looks about as cheap as I thought she would. She’s wearing some heinous yellow lace number that is most definitely from Forever21, and I know this because I considered buying it.

DEMI: *licks lips* I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12.

COLTON: 

Elyse looks like she could be Colton’s babysitter, but it would not surprise me if Colton is actually into that.

There are so many virginity jokes tonight and it’s making me p uncomfortable. For example, Caitlin shows up with a giant cherry balloon and POPS IT in Colton’s face. Next up, is a grown*ss woman dressed as a sloth. She’s practically crawling toward Colton’s feet because she hears he “moves slow.” Is this the part where Colton sets himself on fire? Because I wouldn’t blame him.

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Lol. Revian is like “my parents speak Mandarin so that’s going to set me apart from the other girls.” I’m sure that’s what your parents were hoping you’d take away from your culture.

Okay, what I would like to know is how these girls survive without eating? Because clearly none of them do. Don’t get it twisted, they’re gorgeous, but they’re soooo tiny. Like, is this what Colton asked for when the producers told him to describe his type? “I like girls that were in pageants, will talk about my virginity, and haven’t eaten since 1999.” Well congratulations, Colton, your future wife is definitely out there!

The Cocktail Party

We finally make it to the cocktail party and I feel as if I’ve aged ten years. Every time Chris Harrison tries to check in on Shirley in Lansing, I can feel my life force being sucked out of me. Chris, I beg of you, just get to the episode!

Colton walks into a room full of blonde, 22-year-olds who are all “so ready to be engaged.” I’m the same age as Colton and the only thing I’ve ever been “so ready” for is a very long nap.

The self-proclaimed “Nut” just straight up asks Colton why tf he’s still a virgin. I love when he tells this story because it’s just so false. I just don’t believe that a young, blond, conventionally attractive PRO FOOTBALL player has never even seen a vagina before. Like, this is the most far-fetched thing The Bachelor has ever tried to sell me. And this whole “I didn’t have the time to date because football” is also ridiculous. He dated Aly Raisman for, like, a year and the honestly couldn’t find any alone time with her? WHAT IS THE TRUTH, COLTON?

Miss North Carolina gets the first kiss of the evening and it’s the first time in Bachelor history that a person from my home state hasn’t embarrassed me on national television. Bravo. I, mean, the bar was set at Jenna so it wasn’t real high to begin with, but still.

THIS SLOTH GIRL THOUGH. I will say her commitment to the part is admirable, though it’s making me want to shoot her. I think Colton gets the joke now…

Okay, I totally expected Catherine, the professional DJ and low-key Jean Ralphio of the season, to be p annoying, but all she does is talk about her dog and that would literally be me on this show. Unfortunately for Catherine, she commits the heinous offense of talking to Colton more than once and the other girls are piiiissed.

ONYEKA:

HAHA. Okay, I’m team Onyeka. I don’t like how self-righteous she is, but I’ll forgive her if she delivers more one-liners like that.

Onyeka confronts Catherine about talking to Colton more than once. She’s like “That’s not cool girl,” but then she hugs her? I’m confused. I’m guessing Catherine is too, because she immediately steals Colton again and I’m shamelessly hoping there will be a cat fight tonight. Anything not to have to see any more footage of Krystal and The Goose in that hot tub one more time.

Okay, these girls are livid. Onyeka’s like “What the hell? We hugged it out and everything.” Which is my argument when the random I met in the club’s bathroom decides to invite her actual friend into the stall with her and not me.

Normal Hannah gets the first impression rose and it makes sense. I felt like they had the most normal conversation, but sadly this probably won’t end well for her. Literally no one who gets the first impression rose makes it to the end, at least on The Bachelor. Sorry, Han.

The Rose Ceremony

I don’t even have enough energy to do more than just give you the facts so here’s who stays and here’s who goes:

WHO STAYS:

Colton chooses “I Popped Your Cherry” Caitlin, Miss North Carolina, and a girl who literally couldn’t even speak. I’m guess her neckline did all the talking for her. Other notable mentions: the never been kissed girl, Cassie, and the girl faking an Australian accent, who I didn’t even realize was on the show. Like, have we seen her at all this episode? There was so much hype around her and I didn’t even notice her entrance. 

WHO LEAVES:

– Revian. Guess she’ll have to find another way exploit her culture.

– The sloth

– Erin aka “Cinderella”

– Devin

– Tahzjuan

– Laura

– Adrianne “Jane”

And on that note, see you next week betches! Let’s hope week two isn’t as much of a giant waste of time as this week was. Tootles!

Images: Giphy (7); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1)

Well Bachelor Nation, the time has come. You cried, you shouted, you asked for a recount, you even pulled the fire alarm at the mansion in hopes that the season wouldn’t film, but to no avail. Colton’s season of The Bachelor has started. Yes, the same man who couldn’t commit to a summer fling in Paradise now will commit to finding his WIFE on national TV. I don’t know how this season is going to end, but stock up on the toilet paper because I know the journey is going to be a sh*t show.

Episode 1 kicks off with ABC showing a bunch of people around the country that decide to go to their local bar and grill to take in three hours of Colton Underwood. The only explanation as to why someone would do this is that that the amount of liquor required to tolerate this season cannot be stored in a single family home, and people hate to drink alone. ABC literally spends 45 minutes going back and forth showing live footage in LA, Dallas, Utah, and Michigan of people watching THEMSELVES on the big screen. Yes, we’re about 45 minutes in and no sign of Colton. What’s even funnier?? NO ONE is upset. It seems that ABC got the memo: we know you weren’t happy with our pick, so you win, we just won’t show him.

We start to see some of the girls and their backgrounds. We have a speech pathologist from California, and Miss Alabama who has only kissed four people in her lifetime. Heather is up next and get this…like the movie SHE’S NEVER BEEN KISSED! (If she makes it to the Fantasy Suite, no condoms will be needed. Just UNO cards and bunk beds). Heather has her eyes wide open at all times, and it kinda looks like she sneezes with her eyes open, so definitely someone you want to keep your eye on.

Next, we meet Bibiana Jr. (aka Nicole from Miami) who brings a lot of spice with her. She’s a big family person, meaning Colton: You better have at MINIMUM a 4-door, because the family will be tagging along as well. Dental hygienist Kirpa, and Demi from Texas round out the rest of the intro packages.

Colton then gives his big soliloquy about how he’s changed, evolved, and still doesn’t wear underwear (this alone should disqualify you from being the Bachelor). In a series of some of the worst shirts I’ve ever seen, Colton talks to Chris Harrison about how the experience has changed him, and how he’s ready to prove people wrong and lose the V-card that’s super glued to his chest. Yeah, enough of that.

Somehow, The Bachelor makes LA traffic disappear, and these limos start rolling in hot and heavy with girls with tags still on their dresses, hoping that Nordstrom will take everything back if they get cut early. The first couple of limo entrances are pretty basic, nothing exciting. Miss North Carolina makes it known who she is, followed by Sydney who makes it known that she quit her job to be there so yea, Colton, I hope you can bring home enough bacon for the both of you.

Probably the best virgin joke of the night belongs to Caitlin who “pops his cherry” via a balloon on a string. (Here’s $100 saying he didn’t get the sexual reference.) More V-card jokes come, and the entrances start getting even more boring….until the sloth. Following the likes of Dolphin Alexis Waters, and Penguin Matt Munson, we have a girl dressed as a sloth moving ever so slowly. Well if there’s one thing he’s not in a rush to do, it’s have sex, so you’re probably torturing yourself more than Colton. Tracy shows up in a cop car as the fashion police, and then we get a voiceless Alex, a fake Aussie, and a girl who drops off her daughter (aka her dog) in Colton’s hands as she enters the mansion. The last entrance might be the most memorable: a horse and carriage ride in, complete with slipper left behind and everything. But the way gas prices are in LA, I totally get this move.

And finally, the cocktail party starts…LET’S GET TO IT!! Colton proclaims that he’s ready, and he begins to meet with all of them. Demi steals him first (which, PRO TIP: automatically puts a target on your back) and then the other conversations follow. The conversations are going as well as you’d think they would…until they don’t. Miss North Carolina gets the first kiss, and she’s smitten. Chris Harrison then messes up the vibe created by free Hennessy & Patron by placing the first impression rose on the table.

Catherine (the bad dog parent) gets her time, but decides enough isn’t enough. She proceeds to steal Colton away from three others in addition to her original time. Despite being warned that it’s rubbing others the wrong way, she continues to do it. One thing’s for sure: Catherine is definitely going to have Nair put in her shampoo bottle, and it’s ONLY NIGHT ONE.

Hannah gets the first impression rose, because he knew “from the beginning of the night.” My money is on it being the only name he could remember, but hey, I’ll take his word for it. All the girls now hate her and probably are putting itching powder in her g-string. Okay, one rose down…several to go.

Rose ceremony time. All the roses aren’t really surprising given the amount of TV time they’ve gotten. But the final rose is here, and time thief Catherine still doesn’t have a rose. But you know ABC…she’s getting one, and unsurprisingly, the last rose goes to her. I mean, if we’re not gonna have sex on this show, we gotta have drama, right? People who got eliminated before the sun came up and can return to work like nothing happened: Alex D, Laura, Revian, Erin, Devin, Tahzjuan, and Jane.

This season will be drama-filled for sure, mostly because at some point, Colton won’t be able to make up his mind, will forget someone’s name, or call someone Becca/Tia!

Images: ABC