It’s been over 48 since Arie announced which women will
bring dishonor to their families take him home to meet their families and I already have, like, a lot of feelings about this. First, I’m sad to say that Bekah M, professional nanny and reason I have an entire Pinterest board devoted to pixie hair cuts, was cut last episode, which means we won’t be meeting her mother aka the woman behind the infamous missing persons report. I’ve honestly not been this disappointed since they announced Arie as the next Bachelor. That said, Tia, Kendall, Lauren B, and Becca K all made it to hometowns next week and I’m thinking some shit will go down. Let’s take a look at the ladies still left standing, shall we? We’ve got Raven 2.0 Tia, a girl whose first impression involved a tiny wiener. Then there’s Kendall, who likes to stuff dead things for fun; Lauren B, who has the personality of a stuffed dead thing; and, finally, Becca K, who for all intents and purposes appears normal (I assume until this very episode proves otherwise). I’ve done the research a deep dive into the catacombs of their social media platforms and I’m pretty sure I know exactly what skeletons these bitches have hiding in their (middle school) closets. So here’s all the shit that’s definitely going to happen during The Bachelor hometown visits.
1. Raven Gets A Cameo
If there’s one thing I know and trust in this world is that the limit does not exist as to how many times ABC will pimp out a franchise-favorite contestant just for ratings. In fact, I would bet my brunch reservations that we’ll be seeing Raven “The Bachelor Gave Me My First Orgasm” Gates next episode. If you’ll recall, Raven and Tia go way back in the sense that they are the only two girls in that godforsaken Arkansas town trying to
find love make it big as Instagram models. Raven will most certainly make a brief appearance, if only to lecture Tia on “following your heart” and “trusting the process”, to which I will be here to savagely bring that bitch back to earth when I tell her that by “process” she must mean Wells’ cocktails. Please.
Never forget where you come from, Raven.
2. Kendall Shows Arie Her Red Room Of Pain
I don’t know about y’all, but I for one am fucking psyched to see Kendall introduce Arie to her
house of horrors family. I actually really like Kendall. Sure she’s weird, but she seems genuine, even if some of that genuineness involves stuffing dead things for funsies. Whatever, nobody’s perfect. The promo for next week’s episode indicated that Kendall is about to really lean the fuck in to her weirdness by showing Arie her Red Room of Pain aka the place where she keeps all of her literal stuffed animals. Let’s just hope we also get a glimpse at the room where she keeps the heads of her ex-boyfriends, because I’ve been waiting for that reveal since day one when they introduced Kendall as a “taxidermy enthusiast.”
3. There’s Going To Be Dogs Everywhere
For those of you who are about to be like “who cares” to my prediction that dogs are about to be every-fucking-where this episode, I’d just like to say that you can go shave your back now. Thx. All of the final four girls refer to themselves as “dog moms” on Instagram except for Kendall, which is suspicious AF. Perhaps it’s best we don’t question that one too much. We’ll definitely be seeing some pooches on Bachelor hometown dates, but here’s hoping that at least one of the dates has to have an in-depth discussion
about their future as to why their dog doesn’t like Arie. It’s the least I ask for, ABC. If I don’t see some meat seat Cheaper By The Dozen antics, I will not be pleased!
4. At Least One Father Will Try To Kick Arie’s Ass
In every Bachelor hometown episode there’s at least one father/brother/overprotective neighbor who isn’t happy about the fact that his favorite daughter/sister/girl-next-door obsession is
acting out her latent daddy issues dating a man a decade older than her who is also casually dating three other women. Can men just ever let a girl live?? My money is on a member of Tia or Kendall’s family losing their shit since Arie seems to be the least into these two, and he’s about as good as faking his feelings as I am at faking enthusiasm about being pulled into a five-person-plus group chat. All I have to say is, if that fight goes anything like Arie’s wrestling match with Kenny, then it will be a bloodbath. *crosses every finger and toe*
5. Lauren B Finally Reveals Her True Personality
I have a lot of theories about Lauren B and where tf she got the personality of low-fat yogurt from. Most of these theories revolve around the fact that I’m convinced she is an anatomically forged robot human, and we can’t tell the difference because she looks and acts just like every other hot blonde Lauren in the world. Now, this theory could have been influenced by my recent binge watch of the entire first season of Westworld, but it also definitely has to do with the fact that I have not seen this girl show a sliver of emotion in the seven episodes I’ve suffered through. It’s really either/or at this point. If she’s not a robot then she 100 percent comes from the most boring family on planet Earth. I’m already mentally preparing myself to sit through a Bachelor hometown date that’s about as thrilling as my last dentist appointment.
^^ Lauren B’s face when she is happy, sad, angry, outed as human fembot
Hometowns are about to be so lit. Until next week, betches!
Images: Giphy (3); @bkoof /Instagram (1); ABC (1)
We’re just a few episodes into Nick Viall’s cringeworthy journey as The Bachelor and we’ve already got a feeling that this season is going to be different from the others. So different, in fact, that we’ve come up with some extremely bold predictions about how it will end—all of which would be firsts for the show. Sorry in advance for any potential spoilers.
1. Nick Viall Places As First Runner-Up
This may seem impossible based on the rules as we know them, but Nick was born to be a loser on this show and losers always find a way to not come in first. Our bet is that his final two girls start dating each other and then Nick promptly bursts into flames.
2. Chris Hansen From To Catch A Predator Shows Up
Most of what we know about Nick up to this point is that he’s emotionally unstable, lonely, and enjoys slut-shaming girls that don’t want to date him. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that he’s engaged in some legit shady online activities, and how great would it be for rival network NBC to shut this whole production down? Primetime TV at its finest.
3. Nick Goes Into Cardiac Arrest
If Nick does develop “feelings” for one of the contestants who reciprocates them even in the slightest, it’s going to be way too much for his body to handle. Think of how invested—to a stalkerish level—he’s been in girls who openly consider him to be their back burner bro. If Nick develops an actual relationship it could be life-threatening, so we hope his potential wives are as insincere as they appear to be.
4. The Girls Start An Uprising And Demand That Luke From JoJo’s Season Be Brought In As The New Bachelor
It’s no secret that Luke was perfectly typecast as the potential next Bachelor during JoJo’s season, and the contestants on Nick’s season know that. Luke is surely waiting in the wings for his next moment in the spotlight, so if the girls were to revolt even for a few hours, they would probably get their way.
5. A Detox Tea Company Decides To Buy The Airtime For Advertising
This season’s crop of girls “hoping to find their husbands” is barely believable and we all know what they’re really competing for is corporate sponsors for their Instagram pages. Maybe this time the show will cut out the whole fake competition thing and film the cast sipping tea in a platonic circle while encouraging us to start our free trials.