This pandemic has been an interesting time for the people of Bachelor Nation, and each day Chris Harrison’s crew of misfit toys find new and exciting ways to make us roll our eyes. Of course, there are the TikToks, which are pretty uniformly not great, and we’ve even seen Clare Crawley break out her dusty old dress from Juan Pablo’s season—the situation in Bachelor Nation is low-key dire.
But the Bachelebrity (just coined a word, you’re welcome) who’s bothered me in the past couple weeks has to be Peter Weber. Ah, Pilot Pete, so cute but so obnoxious. As you probably know by now, Pete is currently in Chicago, where he’s doing a questionable job of quarantining with Kelley Flanagan. When we first saw photos of them together in the Windy City, it was already a little late to be flying across the country, not to mention that they weren’t really social distancing at all. But it’s been a couple weeks since then, and this week, Pete finally commented on his situation with Kelley.
In an interview for Nick Viall’s podcast, Pete said that his relationship with Kelley has always been “serendipitous.” He points to the time he and Kelley f*cked met at a hotel before the show, but explained that their relationship just didn’t work during filming (probably because Kelley’s practicality didn’t make for good TV). But then, he ran into her in Miami during Super Bowl weekend. He said he was hanging out with some other Bachelor friends, and Kristian, Demi’s ex, showed up with Kelley. That’s when they exchanged numbers, and fully reconnected.
Of his decision to go to Chicago, Peter said that “I wasn’t working so I thought I’d go out there and spend some time with her, take her mind off some things.” Ah, nothing takes your mind off of family sh*t like getting laid, right? He says that this was “right when everything was starting to hit with the quarantine stuff,” and I’m gonna call bullsh*t. Pete was first seen in Chicago on March 25th, a full five days after the Governor of California issued a statewide shelter-in-place order. Pretty sure Peter flew to Chicago after everything started “to hit with the quarantine”, lol.
But anyway, quarantine-shaming aside, here’s what Peter had to say when asked about his relationship with Kelley: “Are we dating? No. Do I love spending time with her? Absolutely. We’re not dating. Could I see that in the future? Yeah, of course.” Well, glad to see that his f*ckboy tendencies are alive and well during this time of strife. Peter literally claims that he and Kelley are “taking it really, really slow,” meanwhile he has fully been living with her for the past two weeks. Sure, maybe they’re not defining the relationship at this point, but deciding to make someone your quarantine bae is pretty much the opposite of taking things slow.
Peter acknowledged that he’s been through a lot in the last months, saying that he “just had an engagement that didn’t work out,” and also “just was trying to pursue things with another woman that didn’t work out.” But he acts like he’s staying super single because of all that, while Kelley was probably sitting next to him on the couch during the interview. I’m no relationship expert, but Peter’s current situation is not what taking time alone looks like.
So it’s too soon to say whether something long-lasting is going on between Peter and Kelley, but I’d love if he would stop lying to us (and himself) that they’re taking things slow. And also, I’d love if he would stop making TikToks, too. Thanks, Pete!
Images: ABC/Maarten de Boer
Well fam, I’ve been saying since *checks notes* January that Pilot Pete would be alone at the end of this season of The Bachelor, and what can I say, I love being right. On Thursday night, just two days after saying on live TV that they were going to give their relationship a shot, Peter and Madison announced that they’re going their separate ways. And honestly? Thank god.
Peter was basically a mess this entire season, and for many reasons, he deserves to be alone right now. But aside from all that, anyone with a functioning brain (or a basic sex education) could see that Peter and Madison were never going to make it in the real world. Still, it seemed like they might stick it out for more than 48 hours, but it wasn’t meant to be. Really, the abrupt timing of these statements makes me think that they never really got back together at all, but Peter (and the producers) didn’t want him to just be sad and alone at the finale.
In Peter’s statement on Instagram, he started by “acknowledging the incredible group of women” that competed on his season, conveniently ignoring the fact that two-thirds of them are legitimate nightmares. But sure, great group of women. He continued, saying that he and Madi have “mutually decided not to pursue our relationship any further,” and that this decision was “not easy for either of us to be ok with,” but it makes the most sense for both of them. I mean, duh. Barb Weber basically called her son a sex addict on national TV, so it’s no big shock that the thought of going months or years without getting laid wasn’t actually that appealing to him. And Madi obviously needs this time to work on her eyelashes, so it’s not good timing for her either.
Peter also shouted out Hannah Ann for basically dragging her through hell over the past couple months, saying he accepts responsibilities for his mistakes, and wishing her the best. She hit a million Instagram followers earlier this week and has been hanging out with NFL players, so I think she’ll be just fine. Who could’ve predicted that I would be a full-on Hannah Ann stan at the end of this season? A Hannah Stann, if you will.
Moving on, Madison made an Instagram statement of her own, and you can tell a publicist crafted it within an inch of its life. She says that her Bachelor experience has taught her “the importance of acceptance, forgiveness, and grace,” along with the importance of the word “like” in her vocabulary. I added that last part, in case that wasn’t clear.
She’s super confident in God’s plan for her or whatever, and is still convinced that she and Peter’s “paths were meant to cross.” Sorry, not to be rude, but I have a hard time taking all this Jesus stuff seriously. Like, you applied to be on a reality show to get famous on Instagram, and it worked! Good for you! But we don’t have to pretend that the Lord was like, invested in whether or not Pete was gonna sleep with Victoria or whether you were going to land a FabFitFun deal after this. I’m no prophet, but I’d guess He probably has more important things to worry about, like coronavirus, and whether or not my Seamless is going to show up on time.
Madi says that Peter is “an amazing guy” and that she’ll always be his “biggest fan,” and I’ve had about enough of these statements. You know Madison is already headed back to Auburn to self-quarantine and play some basketball with her dad, and Peter is probably begging his mom to love him again after she ripped him a new asshole on television. Everyone in this situation is moving on with their lives, and it’s gonna be fine.
And with that, I think we can finally shut the door on this season of The Bachelor. Nobody found love, nobody had a good time, nobody passed go, and absolutely nobody collected $200. We were all bamboozled, hoodwinked, and led astray. Hopefully the coronavirus quarantines give the ABC producers some time to think about their choices, and avoid a disaster season like this happening again.
Images: pilot_pete, madiprew / Instagram
Thankfully, the dumpster fire that was Peter’s season of The Bachelor is over. Which makes it the third consecutive season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette to not end in an engagement. Which is the entire point of the show. Guys? Hate to tell you this, but forcing 20 women to live in one house and sleep with the same guy in exchange for FabFitFun sponsorships is actually just a brothel and it’s not legal in California. You might need to rethink the show premise because it’s obviously not working. After Peter strung along/screwed over/kept Hannah Ann as the backburner bitch, he did the biggest favor of her life and brutally dumped her on national TV. But that’s okay, because Hannah Ann still has plenty of years left to be screwed over by men before she finds a decent one to settle down with. Unfortunately for Hannah Ann, she will not be the next Bachelorette, but I’m sure she’ll still get to sell us some FitTea regardless.
In fact, as a model, Hannah Ann does a lot of ads for brands. In digging into Hannah Ann’s random modeling past, we found a little something. One in particular you’ll know well if you’ve seen The Real Housewives of New York, in fact. (And if you haven’t, you should watch it all immediately, because it’s way better reality TV than The Bachelor!)
That’s right, guys! Hannah Ann modeled for…
For those of you living under a rock, a couple seasons ago, Dorinda straight-up ruined Luann’s cabaret performance by enthusiastically and drunkenly shrieking “JOVANI” throughout the entire show. But that’s not why I have an issue with this ad from Hannah Ann (seriously, what random brand has she not modeled for at this point?).
It’s the absolutely insane editing. 
What kind of waist is this???? It’s like they just cut big gaping holes into her sides. She looks like a literal stick figure. Once again, rib cages are too unsexy for the female body. To compare, here’s what Hannah Ann’s actual body looks like, obviously give or take five years.
The thing is, the Jovani edit is so bad that it doesn’t even make the clothes look good. Like, look at this dress, it’ll make you look sunken in and straight as a board? I don’t understand!
Like, Hannah Ann is ALREADY an extremely thin girl/model! I also think it’s funny that they kept her legs/arms/hips all the exact same and just mutilated her waist. And then Hannah Ann saw this ad and thought, “Yup that’s me!” and posted it on her Instagram.
Sorry, Hannah Ann. Not only were you strung along and dumped by a douchebag who had a pad taped to his face for half the season, but you were done dirty by none other than Jovvaaaaaannnniii. Please find solace in the fact that at least you’re not as dumb as Madison, who’s currently stuck with him, and that Peter’s family definitely loves you more than him now. Let’s all just repeatedly watch my personal favorite part of the season where Peter, who is supposedly a pilot and should be somewhat coordinated, tried to get into a golf cart and manage to smash his own face into a glass he was holding:
Legit the best part of the entire show.
Hannah Ann, I hope you find better modeling gigs from this where you’re not edited into Stick Stickly, PO Box 963. New York City, New York state, 10108.
At least Hannah Ann has thousands of dollars worth of Revolve clothes to comfort her.
Watch Peter smash his face again here! I swear it makes me feel so much better about the season. Someone send it to Barb!
Images: ABC/Eric McCandless; @hannahann / Instagram (2); Tenor; Giphy (2)
Good morning, Bachelor Nation—that is, everyone except Peter and Barb. I’m sure you’re all still reeling from last night’s finale, which somewhat succeeded in being unspoilable, but equally succeeded in being totally anticlimactic. Like, if I wanted to commit to 10 weeks of seeing the same people, only for them to end up going on one date after this, I’d just redownload a dating app onto my phone. Now, PLEASE DO NOT READ AHEAD IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS. Tbh, I feel like after a show airs live, there is no such thing as being “spoiled” anymore, but some of you have jobs/can’t watch The Bachelor live/are sensitive, so consider this my due diligence.
Last night, Peter took a page out of Arie’s playbook and dumped his final pick (Hannah Ann) to get back with his runner-up (Madison). Ya hate to see it. Hannah Ann, despite not being old enough to legally rent a car yet, surprisingly handled the situation with a hell of a lot of grace and maturity, which is more than I can say of every murder plot I’ve devised in my head for the strangers on the subway (whom I will never encounter again) who take their sweet-ass time boarding the train, knowing full well that there is a sea of people behind them, and the doors close in three seconds. Anyway!
Hannah Ann appeared on the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast with Rachel Lindsay and Becca Kufrin to talk about the ending to the ~most dramatic season ever~ (it may have finally lived up to the hype this time), and oh boy, did she hold back no punches, especially towards Peter. She also spoke about #ChampagneGate, the Finasco Fiasco, and of course, why Peter ain’t sh*t (my words, not hers).
On Champagnegate
By now I think we all realize that the infamous champagne theft was completely producer orchestrated. “I was completely blindsided by it and I didn’t know how to handle it,” Hannah Ann tells Becca and Rachel, adding ,”in the end, Kelsey and i were able to put aside our differences and become friends.” Hannah Ann claims she was trying to be as logical as possible and be like, “hey I didn’t steal your champagne,” but that came off the wrong way to some viewers.
On Finasco
Hannah Ann jokes about her whole finasco slip of the tongue, saying, “In the moment I said that, and I had no idea that I even like, spoke. That’s not even a word I had used in the past, I don’t know where that came from.” Honestly, been there literally every time I record a podcast. (Maybe I should see a doctor?) But then Rachel asks Hannah if she does, in fact, know the correct word, and it basically goes like this:
Rachel: You do know the right word, right?
Hannah Ann: yes.
Rachel: …
Hannah Ann: …
Rachel: Fiasco.
So does Hannah Ann know the actual right word for fiasco? The jury’s still out on this one…
On Madison’s Ultimatum
Hannah Ann claims she had no idea about Madison’s ultimatum (which she doesn’t necessarily even consider an ultimatum, saying, “she was doing what’s best for her”), and assumed she and Peter had talked about their values before the Fantasy Suites. She says, “I knew she had certain lifestyle values that didn’t line up with Peter’s, but I assumed they’d had the conversation before.” Ya, like kind of how we all thought that certainly you wouldn’t wait that long to spring something so crucial on someone. But alas, we were all wrong!
She also says she was taken aback by the whole situation, but didn’t really want to focus on it too much, because, “I was just wanting to focus on me and him and not let anything distract me from that.” You can say what you want about Hannah Ann, but from the beginning, she was focused on one thing and one thing only: Peter. Even when it earned her Luke P comparisons. The girl is focused.
On Madison Leaving Early
Now, this is the part where things start to get good, and in the same vein, where Peter starts to get shady. Grab your kettle, the tea is being warmed up. (Sorry.) Hannah Ann says she had no idea that Madison had left early, and that Peter totally minimized how unsure he was going into his engagement, as well as his feelings for Madison.
“It was completely downplayed,” she says. “He didn’t give me the courtesy or respect to have a sit-down conversation: hey this is what’s going on with me, this is where my headspace is at, let’s talk this through.” She says that Peter “just told me that very quickly and downplayed it and then immediately went to ‘but my heart chooses you, you’re the love of my life, I wanna spend forever with you.'” And, I mean, we all saw how he began his engagement speech by saying “Madison”. This tracks.
I ABSOLUTELY just thought Peter called Hannah Ann “Madison” and my soul left my body #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/vw53SNAo8f
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) March 11, 2020
We all totally thought he pulled a Ross Geller for a second, don’t even lie.
On Getting Dumped
Listening to Hannah Ann’s interview (and yes, I’m taking it with a slight grain of salt because hindsight is 2020), I’m impressed with how perceptive she seems to be. When asked why she took so long to get to the rose ceremony, and almost didn’t show, she says, “My instincts were telling me I wasn’t getting all the information I needed to make a decision with Peter.” Hannah Ann may be not a girl, not yet a woman, but in this case, the woman’s intuition was spot-on.
She admits, “Should I have stayed on that bed in Australia? Absolutely. But I wasn’t going to give up on someone that I loved, and the last words he told me on our last chance date was that he was going to make the best decision for both of us, and to trust him.”
Hmmm, where have I heard that before? Oh right, every relationship with a f*ckboy I’ve ever been in. *Slaps self across the cheek* You’re right, this isn’t about me.
She says that, “I think in the end he took advantage of the fact that he conveniently left out very important information prior to me making a commitment with him.” Basically, Peter wasn’t honest about how conflicted he was feeling, but rushed ahead with the engagement anyway. I know there’s a ton of pressure on the show to propose, but it still wasn’t fair to Hannah Ann.
Hannah Ann adds, “He downplayed his feelings towards Madison completely, and even after our breakup he couldn’t really own up to it.” Apparently, Peter went so far as to reach out to Hannah Ann’s parents, but only to say that “basically he was struggling processing all his emotions.” Umm, yeah, I’ll say! That’s like saying you have a little case of the sniffles when you really are coronavirus patient zero. Hannah Ann says of Peter’s excuses to her parents, “It was very vague. He speaks half-truths. And so while I’m watching the season I’m like, why we broke up makes a whole lot more sense, because he couldn’t really own up to how he was truly feeling.”
This is, apparently, a common theme with Peter. A guy who gave up his career to compete for fame on a reality TV show, shady? Well, I never!
On The Timing Of The Breakup
Basically, Hannah Ann and Peter stayed together through January, but when the season started airing was when their relationship began to unravel—not coincidentally, because that was when Peter’s half-truths started coming to light for the nation (including Hannah Ann) to see.
She says, ” beginning of January was when he approached me that he needed to speak with Hannah Brown. That’s the first red flag. He told me he needed to talk to Hannah Brown because he needed closure and was trying to convince me I should feel comfortable with that. And I’m like, why do you need closure?” What Hannah Ann didn’t know at that time, was that Peter needed closure because he low-key invited Hannah B. back into the Bachelor mansion. Hannah Ann says before that, she’d never known about the group date, or seen Hannah B. ugly cry on the couch. But once she watched it, it all made sense.
Peter never did get that “closure” because about a week later, he and Hannah Ann broke up, which was at the very end of January. The crazy part about it is that Hannah Ann says, “We actually had talked that morning that we weren’t gonna break up, we were gonna work through it.” Yikes. I mean, at least Peter didn’t follow her around a house trying to browbeat her into forgiveness, but this is like, only marginally better.
And, back to Peter never really giving the whole story, the reason he gave Hannah Ann for the breakup was that, similarly to what he told her parents, “he was having trouble processing his emotions.” Like, dude. You weren’t having trouble processing your emotions. You were having trouble feeling emotions toward your fiancée. Let’s call a spade a spade.
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We love you Hannah Ann and all of your random modeling jobs🌹 by: @dylanhafer #thebachelor
Hannah Ann reiterates, “Peter does not own up to the full truth—just like on our engagement day. He knew that if he told me the full extent of where his heart and head was at that entire week, he knew that the outcome would have been different. He knew that when we sat down and had an open, honest conversation, my instincts would have picked up on that he was not ready for a commitment. And that’s not what he wanted.”
Yeah, Peter just went full steam ahead because he wanted to put that ring on somebody’s finger, identity be damned.
In what might be my favorite quote ever, Hannah Ann says that Peter “was consistently inconsistent.” I love it. The accuracy. The poetry. The parallel structure. I’m putting this on a sticker. Honestly, Madison, good luck.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for Hannah Ann, though. For one, she’ll absolutely kill it on Paradise, and who knows? Maybe four years from now, ABC will tote her out of the shadows to make her the Bachelorette. But she does say that Peter’s f*ckery “really helped me move forward because I deserve more than someone half-loving me. I deserve 100%.” Claps all around. Hannah Ann deserves the world, or at least, a Revolve modeling contract.
If you made it through this absolute novel, congrats! To hear more of what Hannah Ann said, listen to the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast below.
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; BrettSVergara / Twitter; thebetchelor / Instagram (2); Giphy (2)
I know you all think the devil works hard and Kris Jenner works harder, but I can now definitively say that Reality Steve works the hardest. Because this man has just spoiled what Chris Harrison has described as the unspoil-able Bachelor season. *Slow clap for Reality Steve*. That’s right, this week the Godfather of reality TV spoilers finally got the confirmation he needed to reveal which Kappa Kappa Gamma social chair our precious Pachi is going to choose! See, 2020 isn’t so bad, after all!
Now, I don’t think it really needs to be said again because I’ve used the word spoiler an absurd amount of times so far, but to those of you not really paying attention because you’re recovering from the seven vodka sodas you drank last night when you went out for “just one drink,” the rest of this article WILL TELL YOU how The Bachelor ends. So if you don’t want to know, get the f*ck out. I don’t need any death threats in the comments, I already get enough of those from my family group chat. We’re not like Madison’s family, we don’t pass a plate around to compliment each other, we pass it around to smash on each other’s heads. So, with that, let’s take a look at how this all ends for our Bachelor.
Somewhere in the world right now, Peter is tormenting Madison with yet another salsa dance while he makes her beans and rice from a can and calls it “moro,” correcting her pronunciation each time. Here’s how it goes down: Madison leaves the show before the final rose ceremony. Peter then cancels that rose ceremony and doesn’t pick anyone. He goes home, pursues Madi, and eventually she gets over the fact that his dick was recently inside the girl featured prominently on her laundry detergent, and takes him back. They are currently dating but not engaged. Why do I get the feeling that since they’re not on The Bachelor anymore, those airplane hangar dinners have turned into dates at the Auntie Anne’s in Newark Airport’s Terminal A? I’m right, right?
Reality Steve also thinks that Peter is going to propose to Madi on After the Final Rose, which is how Chris Harrison is getting away with saying “Even Peter doesn’t know how it ends!” Which makes sense, because if Peter doesn’t know who he’s with right now I think that golf cart injury caused a much larger problem than just a gaping head wound that not even TV makeup could keep from looking like a vagina on his forehead.
chris harrison: not even peter knows how this season ends…
me: #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/Kua8bodZju— riley!! (@frenchfryley) March 3, 2020
Now, there was a bit of excitement after Reality Steve posted his final spoiler because apparently what happens in this finale is more heavily guarded than a cruise ship filled with coronavirus. In the aftermath of his spoiler, he tweeted this:
Just gonna put this out there. Since my post this morning, I’ve been on my phone non stop. Plenty of things being said. The whole thing is a mess. Being told so many different things now. Original sources sticking by what they said. New sources saying that’s not it. It’s madness!
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) March 5, 2020
So, what does that mean, Steve?!?! I’ve got a deadline and I can only pretend to be looking for GIFs for my real job for so long before my boss starts to catch on. Nothing I work on in corporate America requires a short video of Kristen Wiig miming a blow job! So I’m going to give you a very professional line I obviously learned from People magazine: as of press time (lol), Reality Steve has not changed his spoiler so we’re going with it. Madison is the winner. Sorry, I mean Madison is the lucky recent college graduate who gets to spend the rest of her life with the black stain on Delta’s reputation.
Unfortunately, this means that the theories I wrote about earlier this season have been proven false. Shall we revisit a few of them for a little fun?
No One Is Pregnant
This theory was recently revived by the fact that Kelley wasn’t at the Women Tell All taping. Kelley stans claim that’s because she got pregnant with Peter’s child during their hotel encounter in August. How romantic! But let’s not pretend like Peter isn’t one to prematurely ejaculate in a bathroom stall during their first sexual encounter, okay? Reality Steve says Kelley is not pregnant, and I’m inclined to agree. If she was, she would be seven months along right now! ABC would never be able to resist a Beyoncé-style reveal at the WTA; she would have definitely been invited. Plus, if any girl on this show was trying to get pregnant to trap our lead, don’t you think it would be someone who is, say, a “content creator”, rather than a lawyer? Exactly.
He Does Not End Up With a Producer
The producers of The Bachelor are all bound by a blood oath and a coven of 100 witches to never turn against ABC, never f*ck a lead, and to receive 35k a year as payment for ruining contestants’ lives (and then devise a segment on how bad bullying is). So this was never going to happen. My condolences to all of you poor, innocent souls that bought this one. I hope you’ll be more cynical next time.
Hannah Brown Does Not Come Back
Much to our Bachelor recapper’s dismay, Hannah Brown will not be returning to steal Peter’s heart. She thought about it, but then she saw the pus oozing out of his stitches and immediately demanded that the historic windmill in which they banged (four times!) be destroyed and found a doctor to perform the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure on her. She is now living in bliss with no memory of Peter, off to dance her ass off on tour with a more lucrative ABC show.
And there is your final Bachelor spoiler of the season! I’m looking forward to being chained to my couch for four hours next week to watch something play out exactly as I know it will! I’ll see you all there. Bring me wine!
Images: Francisco Roman / ABC; shesallbach, kelleyflanagan, 747flyr, enews/instagram; realitysteve, frenchfryley/Twitter
Okay, is it just me, or does no one really care how this season of The Bachelor ends? Like, I know we care, and the spoilers for how the season might end are still running rampant, but none of this really matters. Pete is probably going to be single three months from now, and all of Victoria F’s antics will feel like a fever dream. We still technically have one more week before we officially know the outcome of this season, but someone isn’t waiting around to move on with her life.
Last weekend, finalist and part-time model Hannah Ann was spotted at a bar in Tennessee, and judging from a photo posted on Reddit, she wasn’t thinking about Pilot Pete. In the photo (and some others posted by Reality Steve), our girl Hannah Ann is hanging out with NFL player Joshua Dobbs, and they look… very friendly. Sadly, they’re not making out in any of the photos, but if I’m standing like this with someone at a bar, there’s a good chance that I’m making out with them in five minutes.
On the same day, they also went to a University of Tennessee basketball game together, which Hannah Ann posted about on her Instagram story. Reality Steve says they’ve been friends for a while, which would make sense because he went to Tennessee. We don’t know if anything is really going on between her and Joshua (my vote is yes), but either way, she’s not being too secretive about it. She can do whatever she wants, but I feel like the ABC producers would probably prefer that she wasn’t photographed canoodling with an NFL player while she’s still technically competing on the show. Whatever, I don’t know what’s in her contract.
While hanging out with an NFL player feels very on brand for Hannah Ann, I doubt her possible romance with Joshua Dobbs will last too long. We’re only a few months away from Paradise contracts going out, and there’s no way in hell she’s going to let a third-string football player get in the way of more screen time. There’s literally nothing in the world that could stop her from getting on camera, so expect her to be conveniently single by May.
Of course, before we can get to Paradise, we still have to get through the end of The Bachelor, and hey, maybe the spoilers will be wrong and Hannah Ann will win! I mean, that’s definitely not going to happen, but if there’s any season where there could be a last-minute twist, it’s this one. But really, Hannah Ann is definitely single, and an NFL player is definitely an upgrade from a pilot with a giant gash in his forehead. Get it, girl!
Images: ABC; r/TheBachelor / Reddit
Presented by SkinnyPop
Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! I’m told that tonight we’ll be subjected to the fiery car crash otherwise known as “The Women Tell All.” But before the women can skewer Pachi over the flames of their ever-burning hatred, we must first finish the Fantasy Suites rose ceremony. I think we can all agree that last week was a rough one—and I’m not just talking Victoria F in the bedroom. In fact, I feel like last week’s episode can be summed up with this entire exchange:
MADISON: I’m a virgin and if you slept with other women then we’re done.
PETER:
Things were not looking great for the two of them when Madison was noticeably absent from the rose ceremony. Which brings us to tonight! We’re moments away from finding out if Madison’s prayer circle will forgive Peter for experimenting in sexual asphyxiation with Victoria F. Oh Pachi, what a tangled web you weave.
The Rose Ceremony
As Victoria is getting ready for the rose ceremony, she tells us that Peter’s love is the “purest” she’s ever seen. I’m not sure if “pure” is the right word here, but he’s definitely the most single person she’s ever been with. Also, what world is she living in? Their entire relationship has consisted of her screaming “I can’t!” and Peter looking at the camera like he’d like to hang himself. The fact that Victoria thinks she could have a forever with him makes me want to call her doctor immediately and have him adjust her meds.
Is that *squints* Chris Harrison at a rose ceremony? Well, well, how nice of you to join us Christopher! I’m pretty sure the last time he spoke directly to Peter was back in Cleveland when the women hijacked his rose ceremony—and that’s only because he’s contractually obligated to interfere when the contestants form a mutiny and try to bury the lead alive for his stupidity.
He asks Peter how everything is going and Peter immediately breaks down into tears. I love that Chris is looking at him with absolute disgust. I guess after the Fence Jump of 2019, he made sure to adjust his contract so that he’s no longer obligated to deal with emotional breakdowns.
PETER: *weeps*
CHRIS HARRISON:
Hannah Ann is the first to arrive at tonight’s rose ceremony and you can tell she doesn’t really want to win this thing. I mean, it’s the only excuse I can think of for why she would decide to show up to one of the most important rose ceremonies of the season dressed like a witch’s curse turned her into a table lamp just in time to perform “Be Our Guest.” Then there’s the fact that she looks absolutely panicked that Madison is absent from the rose ceremony and she might automatically be going to the finals.
Madi shows up at the very last second wearing a red dress of sin. What’s even more alarming? You can see her collarbone. Wooooooow. Her youth pastor will definitely be using clips from this episode as a cautionary tale at his next Sunday school sermon, that’s for sure.
Peter starts off the rose ceremony and he is visibly upset. I would also be upset if my only options for marriage included a model for Kohl’s coupons, the black widow of Virginia Beach, and a girl wearing a chastity belt made of titanium. Tbh I can hardly focus on him when the camera keeps panning to Madison’s makeup. Can Madison figure out how to use mascara? MY GOD. You’re a virgin Madi, but you’re certainly not blind!!
HOLY SH*T. He picks Madison over little miss temptress Victoria F?? I’m shocked. Victoria F was truly at the fantasy suites for one thing and one thing only light choking. Chase Rice, if you’re reading this, I fully expect someone to be slipping into your DMs very soon.
Peter’s like “Madison, will you accept this rose?” and in response she gives the world’s longest sigh. Why do I have a feeling Peter will be dissecting that pause AT LENGTH while on the phone with his mother later? Madison is like “I guess I’ll take this rose, fornicator.” HAHA. That was such an angry “yeah.” I love it.
Okay, that’s not the exit performance I thought Victoria F would give. She seems very calm and collected. I expected hellfire, or at the very least a verbal emasculation of Peter. Boooooo.
The Women Tell All
Moving on. This is usually the time during each season when the women are on their very best behavior as they all compete for a spot on Paradise or The Bachelorette. And by “very best behavior” I mean verbally tearing each other limb-by-limb for production’s sick satisfaction. See? Fun! Tonight will be especially entertaining to watch, as this was filmed before the next Bachelorette had been announced, and they found out that their IG spon-con opportunities were going to a woman who is old enough to have actually birthed MyKenna. You love to see it.
Things start off strong when Chris Harrison mocks the women for not having a strong grasp of the English language. I don’t think he’s really being fair to them though. You know they can only speak in hashtags and emojis, Chris!
First up on the chopping block is Alayah. The women would still like to roast her hair extensions over an open flame for daring to bond with them through gossip and Twitter rumors. I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand what she’s done wrong. Gossiping is, like, the underlying foundation of female friendships. In fact, the only thing that brings women together more than a juicy rumor is an overly-long bathroom line. If you can’t make friends this way anymore then this world is truly broken.
Chris Harrison goes “let’s talk about #ChampagneGate and the pop heard ‘round the world” and it’s cute that he stole a line directly from one of my recaps.
CHRIS HARRISON: You know what they say: all’s well that ends well… up your nose!!
ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS UP YOUR NOSE. I’m sure Mike Fliess wouldn’t appreciate you bringing up cocaine habits on live television. You know that you have to wait for the company Christmas party for that kind of talk.
Somehow, Tammy is allotted speaking time, and I truly forgot how unhinged she is. You can tell she desperately wants to be seen as the only sane person in the room and it’s not going well for her. She keeps denying things she said about the other contestants despite the fact that production has the receipts and just played them for a live studio audience.
Once again, she starts coming for Kelsey’s emotional stability, and it’s like, of course Kelsey is emotionally unstable! She’s competing with 20+ other women on national television for the attention of a man who definitely makes jokes about his cockpit in the bedroom. You’re ALL emotionally unstable!
TAMMY: So, you’re saying you weren’t drunk during that altercation?
KELSEY: I never said I was sober!
^ Things I’ve said to my mom when she questions that one time my phone was stolen in the SoHo Forever21 at 11 in the morning. These things just happen, mother!!
Even though Sydney just watched footage of herself calling Tammy a psycho, she would like to know why Kelsey is name-calling her. And this is the crux of why I hate Sydney so much. You can’t be a bully AND a victim.
SYDNEY: Didn’t you call me a stupid f*cking bitch?
KELSEY: First of all, it was crazy f*cking bitch. I would never insult your intelligence like that!!
That’s just, like, the rules of feminism I suppose.
You can tell the producers had a hard time scripting this fight between Tammy and MyKenna, because at one point the words “you dance like a buffoon” come out of Tammy’s mouth and MyKenna’s only comeback is “you can meet me on the streets of Canada.” Ah, yes. The mean streets of Canada, where you can find healthcare on every corner and people hustling for $14/hr minimum wage. Truly terrifying.
america listening to Mykenna quote TJ Maxx mugs again #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/CxERtBdSU7
— Grace Elizabeth (@G_Brinkerhoff) March 3, 2020
Kelsey’s Bachelorette Audition
Kelsey gets called into the hot seat, and she’s the first girl of the night to get any one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. You can tell she was treating this like her Bachelorette audition, because this Kelsey feels very put together and not like the hot mess I know and love. Poor girl just wanted ABC to find her a warm body to come home to and now she’s got nothing to go back to except her bottle of Korbel.
CHRIS: What got you crying there? Are you drunk again?
Chris! You can’t just ask her that! Chris keeps bringing up #ChampagneGate and how Kelsey feels about taking things up her nose and it’s like, Chris, she already said the only pill she pops is Adderall! Lay off!!
Oh look, and there’s Ashley I milking her five more minutes of fame for all it’s worth. Ashley I is like that troll who lives under a bridge, except instead of paying her money for passage into Bachelor Nation, you need to pay her in what’s left of your dignity.
She tells Kelsey that she’s really happy someone else finally looks more pathetic and miserable on national television than she did. For her service to her country, she gifts her with a bottle of champagne the size of Li’l Sebastian. Dear god.
Victoria F Denies Everything
Chris calls Victoria into the hot seat, and I can’t wait for him to grill the sh*t out of her. She starts off by giving a very passionate speech about how she wishes she let Peter love her the way he wanted, and I’m starting to think that she also regrets sticking that finger up his butt. That probably works well with the married men, but then again they’re also probably blackmailed into compliance. Know your audience, Vickie!
Omg Chris Harrison is finally gonna earn his paycheck this week with his “to be clear, have you ever broken up a marriage before” line of questioning. Victoria does an amazing job of deflecting every single question Chris throws at her. She denies hooking up with married men, but it’s very vague. What’s most disappointing is that Chris isn’t even TRYING to poke holes in her story. He literally asked more questions about #ChampagneGate then he has about Victoria’s affairs.
God, why is he praising her?? He’s like “you’re so mature, Victoria” and it’s like did YOU sleep with her too, Christopher?? Are we just going to forget how truly awful this girl was? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
ABC Actually Gets Deep?
In an unexpected turn of events, ABC takes a moment to talk about online hate and the trolling of contestants. Former Bachelorette Rachel is welcomed to the stage, where she addresses the issue by actually reading some of the horrifying messages people of color have received after being featured on the show. While this feels like a really important conversation to have, and one I’m glad ABC is addressing, to me, there was something off about this display, and it left a sour taste in my mouth. For one, I didn’t like how coy they were about the issue. Not once was the word “racism” uttered on that stage. They kept saying “online hate” and “trolls” as the camera panned to the women of color. I would have loved to have seen ABC really take a stand against racism, for them to say “racism won’t be tolerated in Bachelor Nation and those tweets, comments, DMs, are racist, disgusting, and deplorable.” Instead, they straddled the line, and it was disappointing to watch.
It almost felt like ABC was using this moment to reaffirm that that the franchise isn’t as white-washed as it absolutely is. This is a great start, sure, but let’s not forget there has only ever been one person of color as a Bachelor/Bachelorette lead. And then when that person was the lead, they put a white supremacist on her season for better ratings. They put a sexual predator on Becca’s season for that very same reason. You can’t say you’re disgusted with all of the hate and the bigotry and then, on the very same stage, have a contestant who has modeled a shirt that says “white lives matter.” They want to be inclusive and diverse when it fits their narrative. This is a fantastic start to addressing the negative side of Bachelor Nation, but ABC can—and should—do more.
And on that note, that’s all I’ve got, kids! Next week is the two-day finale of Peter’s season and the internet STILL has no idea how it ends. I have this theory that the reason for this is because ABC has been keeping Peter and his future bride chained in the bowels of ABC studios so Reality Steve can’t spoil all their fun this season. Guess we’ll have to wait and see next week!
Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @g_brinkerhoff /Twitter (1)
Last night’s episode of The Bachelor had everything: steamy shower makeouts, long-winded conversations about virginity, and for the first time in Bachelor history, all three women forced to share a room during Fantasy Suites week. This provided prime opportunities for drama between the ladies, but I had to wonder, why did the producers put them through this? Was the budget running low for this season? Was the hotel all booked up? Making them live together while they took turns sleeping with Peter kind of seemed like cruel and unusual punishment, and it turns out the producers knew exactly what they were doing.
Chris Harrison was a the guest on this week’s episode of Rachel Lindsay and Becca Kufrin’s Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, and he explained why this decision was made. Chris explained that Peter had a tough time making decisions on the show (duh), and said that at this point in the season, both he and Madison had “kicked the can down the road.” Essentially, Peter couldn’t force himself to get rid of Victoria F despite all the red flags in the world, and Madison waited until the 11th hour to reveal that she had some major dealbreakers, so it was time for some outside assistance.
And that’s where the producers worked their shady magic. When it came to the Fantasy Suites living situation, Chris said, “there are things that we do as producers that will force you into this uncomfortable zone and force you into making a decision.” This specific choice was made “to force a situation that had to happen, and it had to happen this week because, if we get to proposal week, then this guy is really screwed and there’s no chance this works.”
Personally, after this mess of a season, I feel like there’s very little chance that this works regardless, but hey, I guess they had to try something. If you got lost in that word salad, I don’t blame you. Basically, he’s talking about Madison’s virginity ultimatum situation, and how putting the women together forced the women to talk about their intimacy with Peter. After being stuck with Victoria and Hannah Ann during Fantasy Suite week, Madison couldn’t pretend that Peter was just gonna keep it in his pants until he married her. Without this push, Peter and Madison’s date might not gotten to the vulnerable place it did, and then this sh*t would have been even more of a mess come proposal time.
I’m not sure I love the amount of times Chris Harrison used the word “force”, in the span of like, two sentences, but I’m also not naive enough to think that these producers really care about anything other than ending up with compelling footage. What’s really interesting about this is that Chris Harrison is basically admitting that The Bachelor producers will do whatever they need to do to emotionally manipulate their cast and get them to do what they want on camera. Really, we’ve always known this, but hearing Chris say it feels strange, like breaking the fourth wall or seeing your teacher outside of school or something.
Chris went on about the specifics of this scenario, saying that “We needed Madison to face Victoria and Hannah Ann and have them express their emotions on this,” and that they didn’t want us to just see Peter’s perspective of dealing with Madison’s views and her ultimatum. This was actually really smart, because it makes the dynamic so much more complex, rather than just watching two hours of Peter being like “uhhh who should I have sex with?” I don’t think any of these women are geniuses or anything, but it’s kind of cool to see them working through an issue that’s a little more real than a champagne bottle finasco.
However you feel about this season of The Bachelor, this might have been one of the few choices that actually worked well, and made the season more interesting. Now that we’re headed into proposal week, we’ll see if this actually helps Peter stop ~kicking the can down the road~ and get any more clarity on what he should do, but I’m not terribly hopeful. I just think this season isn’t really meant to work out, but that’s okay, sh*t happens. At least we know that the producers are out here working harder than the devil to give us the drama we crave.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy
