Presented by Skinnypop
Welcome back to my own personal hellscape night two of The Bachelor season finale! Last night was a whirlwind of emotions—and I’m not just talking about Barb’s religious experience after downing a bottle of pinot. Peter started out the episode with two hot, semi-legal brunettes to choose from, but by the end of the two hours, Madison had tapped out completely and left Peter to cry softly into his sparkling cider. I’m not sure what scared her away more: Peter’s family trying to explain the male g-spot to her over omelets or finding out or that Peter is apparently the dancing queen over at the local discoteca. It’s a real toss-up.
Which brings us to tonight: Hannah Ann is the last woman standing and Peter seems about as excited about it as someone who is about to undergo a colonoscopy in the morning. At one point he even tells Hannah Ann that despite incorporating a reenactment of The Titanic into their foreplay during the fantasy suites, their tepid night together just isn’t going to cut it; he’s also in love with Madison.
But before we get into that, ABC brings us back to the live taping, where Chris Harrison makes a point to acknowledge Kelley in the crowd. I’m sorry, but WHAT. ABC has to be trolling us because the internet thinks they end up together… right? RIGHT?! Whatever the case, I’m just glad ABC finally let Kelley out of her cage. Happy for you, girl!
Meanwhile, back in Australia, Peter is desperately trying to talk himself and Neil Lane into this proposal. He’s like “I love her! I think. Probably. YES! I love her! I do!”
NEIL LANE, PROBABLY:
Peter, buddy, I mean this with love, but you sound unhinged.
Okay, is that Hannah Ann’s proposal dress?? At first I thought that was just a very fashion-forward robe over some bridal lingerie, but that’s the whole look? That’s it?!
Though Hannah Ann went through the process of getting dressed and getting full glam, she declares that she’s emotionally drained and doesn’t feel like going to the rose ceremony before collapsing on her bed. These are things I say at 8:01 every morning when I debate if I actually need my day job to clothe and feed my dog. These are not things you should say right before you’re supposed to get engaged!!
Peter is down at the proposal spot, dressed in a dashing blue suit that I’m sure Barb picked out for him while stroking his hair and holding him at gunpoint until he agreed to marry Hannah Ann in the first place. He’s playing “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat in his right now, when Chris Harrison tells him that he isn’t sure Hannah Ann is coming to the rose ceremony anymore. HAHAHA. Guys, I just almost peed myself. This is priceless. I can’t. Also, I can’t say that I’m really surprised. This is what happens when you pick a woman so young they haven’t had to commit to a rental car yet, let alone a lifetime with one man.
In the end, Hannah Ann decides to show up to her own engagement. She heard there would be free booze, after all. Do we feel like maybe Chris Harrison only told Peter that to drum up a little extra drama to this otherwise boring engagement? Maybe she was running a little late, Chris? Did you ever think about that!!
Chris is like “welcome, Hannah Ann, what great timing you have” and it’s like, yeah Peter was only about to throw himself off a bridge, but good that you made it!
You can tell Hannah Ann is fully prepared to get dumped today. She’s looking at him like she’d like him to hurry up please, boarding for her flight starts in an hour. To be fair, he hasn’t told her that Madison left yet and that he literally has no other options, save that rabid kangaroo in the background.
Peter starts off his proposal strong by saying Madison’s name first. Oof. Peter! Her name is Hannah Ann, repeat after me.
God this proposal is the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He’s like “well, Madison left, and you already let me put it in, so… you’re in I guess!” Wow. Swoon.
The happy couple! For about 5 more minutes! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/xcbstsRvTD
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020
Back To The Real World
After the proposal, Peter arrives back in L.A. where his first stop is to his parents’ house so he can deliver the news of his engagement. He’s like, “I listened to every word you said, but then Madison left anyways so it didn’t really matter in the end!” Yes, that’s accurate.
Guys, Barb’s reaction to finding out Peter chose Hannah Ann is about as healthy as my reaction was when I found out the Sprouse twins had opened a meadery in Williamsburg. I think she may have just ruptured my eardrum with those shrieks.
A month later Hannah Ann and Peter are finally reunited for the first time since Australia. Now that his parents aren’t in the room and he finally got accepted on Raya, he doesn’t seem as excited to be engaged. I’m very confused by what is happening on my television screen rn. Is he braking up with her? Peter has Hannah Ann physically draped over his body like the blanket his abuela knit him for Christmas last year, but then tells her he isn’t sure if he still loves her.
HANNAH ANN: I would stand by you even if it kills me
Kills you, Hannah Ann? This is killing ME. ABC has only been slowly eeking the life force out of me for the last 10 weeks, while you just learned that “finasco” is not a real word yesterday. But, sure, tell me all about how this process has been killing you.
Peter keeps talking about how he’s been “battling” with everything over this past month and it’s like, dude, you’re not trying to bring peace to the Middle East, you’re just trying to feel less guilty about jacking off to Madison in the shower whilst being engaged to Hannah Ann. It’s not that serious.
I think it’s clear at this point that Peter is probably going to dump Hannah Ann, and she is not having it. She may have forgotten to shower for the last six days and had her dry shampoo taken at customs, but she WILL still have her dignity.
Hannah Ann tells Peter that she’s been patient with him, she’s had faith in him, she’s stood by him, and he’s about to ruin her first engagement by dumping her a month later. I would lead troops to battle with this speech to rally behind. GO OFF, Hannah Ann.
I will say the cameraman capturing Barb’s facial expressions as she watches this entire scene play out at the live taping, is the true hero here. You, sir, deserve a medal.
Meanwhile, things aren’t going too well with Peter and Hannah Ann. You can tell he was hoping she wouldn’t put up much of a fight. He watched how Arie dumped Becca and all Becca did was cry in the corner! He shouldn’t have dumped a 23-year-old, though. She’s got more energy in one of her hair follicles than I have in my entire body, and the only time a man has ever disappointed her was when her Starbucks barista forgot to make her order a skinny. Watch out, Peter, she’s coming for your ass.
HANNAH ANN: 
I SAID YES AND I GET THIS. And then she waves the motherf*cking ring in his face!!! Guys, watching a former Chi Omega social chair roast a grown man over the flame of her ever burning hatred is putting YEARS back on my life. I have more energy, my skin feels clearer, my hair seems shinier. This is the America I want to live in.
PETER: *breathes*
THE LIVE AUDIENCE:
Hannah Ann flings the ring at Peter’s face and BARB CLAPS IN THE AUDIENCE. Why do I feel like Peter is no longer invited to his own family holidays? You can practically feel Barb’s hatred for her own son through the TV screen. She’s so pissed, I love it. You know this warranted a spanking when he got home.
“LEAVE.” THE HAND. I’M UNWELL.
Give that girl an Oscar because I have been thoroughly entertained. I didn’t think Hannah Ann had any of this in her, but damn. I’m impressed.
Hannah Ann Confronts Peter
In real time, Chris Harrison brings Hannah Ann out to the stage to finish skinning Peter alive with her words. He’s like “Peter, I know we just watched your entire life blow up, but what’s one more grenade to your happiness?” What’s one more grenade, indeed, Chris.
I know I’ve been ragging on Hannah Ann since literally day one, but I’m truly impressed with how she’s carried herself throughout this entire ordeal. I’m not sure if her agent is in the audience holding up cue cards with these zinger comebacks or what, but she is absolutely slaying this conversation right now.
PETER: *makes direct eye contact one time*
HANNAH ANN:
THAT’S CALLED BEING BLINDSIDED, PETER. Hannah Ann continues to fillet what’s left of Peter’s dignity in front of a live studio audience, and I’m living for this. I wish I could say that I feel bad for him even a little bit, but I don’t. When Hannah Ann said “I would defend you until it kills me” that’s kind of how I used to feel about Peter before watching this episode. Did he seem a little spineless to me throughout the season? You bet. But what man isn’t spineless? I genuinely thought he did a decent job of being the Bachelor and I was rooting for him—head wound and all!—throughout this entire season, but this is the first time I’m truly disappointed in him. He strung this girl along to pad his ego because he was feeling insecure after Madison left. Disgusting.
Chris Harrison gives Hannah Ann the final word, and boy, does she use it to her advantage. She tells Peter that if he wants to be with a woman then he needs to be a real man first and I. Am. SCREAMING.
Hannah Ann has ignited something in me this episode and I’m ready to round up all the men and burn them at the stake for their stupidity. Where you lead I will follow, bitch!
What About Madison Tho?
Now that Peter has been emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure, Chris Harrison drops one more bomb on him: he went to visit Madison in Alabama a few weeks ago. Just casual! Nbd! Meanwhile, Peter looks like he’s about to soil himself on this stage if he gets one more surprise.
ABC starts rolling the footage from that visit and we get to watch Chris Harrison doing what he does best: being a messy bitch who lives for drama. The gleeful expression on his face as he trespasses on Madison’s front lawn is priceless.
Okay, Madison, if I didn’t hate you before, I certainly do now after that little “I couldn’t eat for weeks” comment. We get it, you’re tiny! STOP BRAGGING.
She says that she made a mistake and if she could do things over again she wouldn’t have made the same choices. This earns her a disgusted eye roll from Peter’s mom in the audience. Again, I say, that camera man is doing the lord’s work. Bless you, sir.
Chris fills Madi in on what’s been happening since she left The Bachelor. He tells her Peter did get engaged to Hannah Ann, but waits until Madi’s entire face crumples before telling her that Peter broke off said engagement two weeks later. This is what we call burying the lede, Chris! On the bright side, I think I now know the secret ingredient to Chris’s youthful skin: just a dab of the pain and misery of others. Really gives him that glow-and-get-‘em skin.
CHRIS HARRISON: Peter said it’s his dream to be engaged to you.
Wow, okay, Chris is really taking some liberties here because that’s not exactly what Peter said. I think what Peter actually said was something along the lines of, “I wish she was still here but I guess I’ll marry Hannah Ann instead.” But, sure, the dream thing too.
And just like that, Madi is heading off to L.A. to go get her Pachi! So, let me get this straight: she was so hurt by Peter sleeping with other women that she left the show because it didn’t sit right with her faith, but it’s cool that in the eyes of the lord he was ENGAGED to another woman before her? Cool, cool.
When Madi shows up in L.A. you can tell Peter is absolutely shocked to see her there. Not only did Madison have to sneak away from Chad and her youth group in the dead of night, but she also had to get past Peter’s front door without Barb seeing it on the door cam and calling the cops. That’s dedication.
Madison tells Peter that she hoped her feelings for him would go away, but Chris Harrison actually wouldn’t let that be possible. That’s sweet. I hope when they tell this story to their kids they don’t gloss over this manipulation part of it.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you still love Madison?
PETER: ….yeah
So I guess their love story is going to consist of a series of half-hearted “yeahs”. Cool, cool.
“yeah” YEAH?! Say it with your chest Peter! Can I get a yes one time? #TheBachelor
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020
With that ringing endorsement, Chris brings Madison out onto the stage. All Madison has to do is breathe and Barb is already heavily sighing and mouthing “I can’t” to her shame-face husband. God, I love Barb. She kills me.
Wait, so they haven’t seen each other since that day in L.A.? You’re telling me that this is the first time they’ve been in the same room since that last lingering forehead touch? Absolutely nothing has been resolved here? WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW I SWEAR TO GOD.
Chris asks what the next step is for the two of them and I don’t miss the look Peter sends his mother before answering. Listen, he can’t just make that decision on the spot, Chris! He has to run it by his mommy first, okay?
Speaking of which, Chris Harrison gives Barb the floor and I can’t wait for her pour some olive oil on Madison and emotionally sautee her in front of a live studio audience. She says that she’s been getting a lot of love in her DMs, and I believe it. I’m a fan. I’d like to bottle up those passive-aggressive eyerolls and keep them in my pocket for a rainy day.
According to Barb, ABC left out some key footage from Madison and Peter’s family date in Australia. Apparently, Madison made them wait three hours before she would come into the house, presumably so she could slut-shame their son on the front lawn. When she finally did come into the house, she told Barb that she wouldn’t marry her son. Damnnnnn, Barbra. You’re not holding back any punches tonight, are you?
Look, do I think Madison is to blame for all of this? Not really. I’m sure production played a role here, especially with that three hour wait thing. But I do think Barb is touching on some thoughts I’ve had throughout this season about Madison being a bit more two-faced than she lets on. From day one she’s been manipulating Peter and withholding key information about herself. She downplayed her faith and virginity to him at every turn, and then used it against him when she didn’t get her way. Barb may be a little unhinged, but at least she’s a perceptive psycho.
Also, it’s clear this is never going to work between the two of them. Barb HATES Madison with the fire of a thousand suns and there’s no way in hell Peter is going to be able to mediate this relationship for the rest of his goddamn life. He’s struggling right now, and he has ABC holding up helpful cue cards from the audience!
I will say Madison gets props for holding her own against Barb in ABC’s gladiator arena live studio. She says she was “undeniably myself” throughout this entire experience, and if by that she means “someone who is rude and late” then I think Barb might agree with her there.
Chris tries to wrap things up but Barb just keeps sh*tting on Madison from the sidelines. I love this so much. Meanwhile, Peter’s dad is trying not to make any sudden movements lest she turn on him too.
CHRIS HARRISON: Well, you two will figure it out, right mom?
BARB:
YOU HAVE TO FAIL TO SUCCEED. What does that even mean! Here Madi is thinking she and Peter are about to ride off into the sunset together and Barbra just put some sort of witch’s curse on the two of them to doom their happiness for generations to come.
And that’s a wrap for the season, kids! In terms of finales, this one was a wild ride. I laughed, I cried, I peed myself just a little. Good times. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be here replaying Barb’s facial expressions on loop until The Bachelorette starts back up again. Until then!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (8); @barstoolria /Twitter (2); @bacheloring /Instagram (1)
Well, people, we made it. After 10 long weeks of listening to Pilot Pete try and incorporate his favorite swear words from 9th grade Spanish into foreplay rose ceremonies and having to endure Hannah Ann absolutely butchering the English language at every turn, we’ve finally made it to the season finale of The Bachelor (part one, because God hates me!). I’ll admit, I’m on the edge of my seat. This is the first season IN YEARS that hasn’t been spoiled the minute ABC announces the lead, and I’m just dying to know who Pachi picks to split his Delta employee perks with.
Last week Peter narrowed his search down to two final women. In one corner we have Hannah Ann, whose illustrious modeling career includes features in laundry detergent labels, the Ruby Tuesday’s Help Wanted ad, and the chair catalogue from The Office that inspired Michael Scott to believe in love again. In the other corner we have Madison, a girl who probably believes foreplay includes 10-15 minutes of intense nose nuzzling—but only after her youth group has prayed about it first. I can honestly say, I don’t envy your decision, Peter!
Which brings us to tonight! Chris Harrison tells us that tonight will be the most dramatic season finale ever. He claims that even Peter doesn’t know the ending to his own season, and it’s got me worried about the severity of that golf cart injury the camera has been so unkind to all season long.
Seriously, I’m worried.
As we start the episode off, Peter says he’s unsure about how to choose between these women when they’ve “touched him” in so many ways. I’m going to assume he means his soul when he’s talking about Madison, and the half-hearted BJ from the fantasy suites when he’s talking about Hannah Ann. At least it seems to have really left an impression on him, girlfriend!
Before he embarks on his final few days with the women, Peter first consults his parents about his Sophie’s Choice. In minute detail, he talks about each woman, what he feels for them, and their love story thus far on The Bachelor, and at the end of this monologue the only thing his parents seem truly concerned about is that Madison probably won’t be able to properly fellate their son right away.
Seriously, why are they so concerned about his sex life?? I’m pushing 30 and I’m pretty sure my mother thinks I’ve only had sex the one time—and that’s only because she accidentally read about it on my blog! I can’t imagine if she gathered the family in the living room to talk about my future husband and his lack of sexual prowess. I’m shrieking.
Hannah Ann Meets The Parents
Every time Hannah Ann comes on my screen I’m shocked by how young she looks. Seriously, she looks like she had to have her parents sign a permission slip before she could come on the show. I know she’s supposedly 23 but I’d like to see some I.D., ABC.
I love that Hannah Ann is nervous to meet Peter’s parents, and yet Pachi’s mom showed up to this little meet-in-greet rocking a tube top. I think you’ll be fine, girl.
Ew, why does he keep, like, eating her shoulder?? Hannah Ann is trying to have an adult conversation with his parents as he tries to get to third base with her shoulder blade. I’m so alarmed. Why do I feel like Peter has walked in on his parents f*cking before and didn’t immediately shut the door? It’s the only explanation for why he feels so comfortable being this intimate with a significant other in front of his parents.
HANDS, PETER!!
Hannah Ann tries to explain to Peter’s dad what she sees in Peter, and you can tell he’s still trying to piece together how the son who wears a size small in men’s tees is on national television dating numerous beautiful women, let alone what a 23-year-old Sears catalogue model sees in him.
She’s like “we laugh together, we cry together, and that’s just the foreplay!” Is it just me or does she not have one real thing to say about their relationship other than regurgitating the quotes she pinned to her marriage Pinterest board?
Hannah Ann’s meeting with Peter’s parents goes pretty amazing and that only sends Peter further into a downward spiral. He seems really torn about who he should choose, and I feel for him, I do. Which hot brunette should he choose?! IT’S HEART-WRENCHING!!!
Madison Still Thinks Peter Ain’t Sh*t
Next up, Madison gets to meet the parents. If you’ll recall, the last we saw of her was when the producers had somehow managed to blackmail her into attending the fantasy suites rose ceremony. Peter offered her the final rose of the week over Victoria F. and Madison accepted with the most passive-aggressive “yeah” I’ve ever heard in my life. Iconic. I’d like to bottle the sound of that “yeah” and make it my ringtone for all eternity. But now, Madi’s gotta face the music of her decision. And by “music” I mean Barb.
Wowwww, okay. A turtleneck for a brunch in Australia?? I feel like this will already be strike one in Barb’s book. She looks like she grew up in that town in Footloose for god’s sake.
Okay, Madison is NOT happy. She’s clearly still not over Peter sleeping with other women during fantasy suites week, and she’s not afraid to slut shame him in front of his family’s hotel room while she’s at it.
PETER’S FAMILY WATCHING THIS ARGUMENT THROUGH THE BLINDS RN:
She tells Peter how disappointed she is in his actions and honestly, I think it’s really f*cked up. She just said yes to him at the rose ceremony! Maybe table this “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech until after you’ve met his family.
And, look, I know I got a lot of heated comments defending Madison in my fantasy suites recap last week, and it’s not that I think she’s wrong per se. I actually think no one did anything wrong in this situation, and I’m proud of Madison for standing up for herself and holding true to her convictions. I know I rib on Madison a lot but she’s allowed to give sex ultimatums and save herself for marriage! Just like Peter is allowed to explore anal play with Victoria F in the fantasy suites! I just don’t think she properly explained her feelings about sex and intimacy to Peter before he decided to sleep with other people. I think if he had known the true extent of her feelings towards sex (aka that she’s a virgin until marriage) he would have either cut Madison completely or not slept with those other women.
Also, I know I said this last recap, but Sweetest Betch has brought it to my attention again in our Bachelor group chat: I’m absolutely appalled and horrified by these spider lashes Madison’s got going on. Talk about a crime against humanity. I guess she was too busy promising her virginity to Jesus to watch a f*cking YouYube tutorial. Not a good enough excuse, Madison!
PETER: You just have to meet me halfway, Madi. Just let me put it in a little.
PACHI! You know her youth pastor warned her all about “just the tip”!
I can tell Madison has put this little tiff behind her when they start nuzzling noses like there’s no tomorrow. Careful, Peter. This might be the only friction you experience for a while. Better enjoy the moment while you can!
Peter is apparently taking his conversation with Madi to heart because he keeps his tongue and his hands to himself while in front of his parents. How kind of you, Pete.
OMG. DID HIS DAD JUST ASK THEM WHAT THEIR BIGGEST ROADBLOCK IS AND SHE SAID HIS SON’S SEX LIFE. I’m dead. Deceased. You can write in my obituary that cause of death was “Pachi’s shame” because life isn’t gonna get any better than this moment right here.
I have never, in my entire 28 years of life, said the word “sex” more than three times in my parent’s presence, AND YET Peter’s family is over here analyzing what sex positions Madi might be into after marriage. Is this appropriate lunch conversation right now, Weber family? Hmm?
Peter must have warned Barb about Madison being religious, because for this meet-and-greet she decides to wear a sensible cardigan set. She tells Madison that she’s also religious but, like, usually after a bottle of pinot, ya feel me? Honestly, I’m feeling Barb’s energy on an elemental level rn. We are soul sisters.
BARB: You know Peter likes to… socialize. He parties. He’s a partier. HE LIKES TO F*CK.
Okay, woooooow. Peter’s mom is COMING for Madison over this sex ultimatum. Can you imagine meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time and having them grill you about how you’ll pleasure him in the bedroom?? Barb! You can’t just ask these things!!
I’m actually really impressed with how well Madison is holding her own with these people. She’s clearly not one to talk much about her sex life with others, and here she is having to defend her hymen over family brunch. It’s a different kind of pass the plate then the one you’re used to, huh Madi?
As soon as Madison leaves the house Barb immediately bursts into tears, and she does know the telenovela auditions were weeks ago, right? Also, it’s starting to become abundantly clear why Peter is always falling for head cases with a mother like that.
I love how Barbra absolutely SKEWERS Madison for being religious and then turns around and is like, “well I prayed and God says it’s Hannah Ann, Peter. Sorry.” Not sure that’s how it works, Barb, but okay.
Damn, Peter’s family are real advocates for his dick, aren’t they? Peter’s brother keeps talking about how challenging Madison’s virginity is as if he wrote the Kama Sutra himself. Lol, k. I’m sorry, Peter’s brother, but I just can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing those capri leggings!
I think what Peter’s family is trying to explain to him—and are failing miserably at doing—is that they’re worried Peter and Madi come from two very different backgrounds. His family seems to be really comfortable talking about sex and being physically intimate around others (just ask Hannah Ann’s elbow). Meanwhile, Madison’s family still believes in things like dowries and the closest they’ve ever been to discussing genitalia in front of each other was that one time they gave Madison “the talk” and said it had to do with her bathing suit parts. Neither is wrong, btw, but touch and intimacy are important cornerstones in any relationship, and if you’re going to marry someone you should really be on the same page. It’s a valid point, even if they’re not explaining it right.
PETER: I don’t know what to do.
PETER’S DAD: Choose Hannah Ann
PETER’S BROTHER: Choose Hannah Ann
BARB: BRING HER HOME, PACHI!!
I’m sorry, but if another man ever says I’m dramatic again, I’m going to point to this moment in history right here.
Cut to the next day, and Peter is dead set on making this Madi thing work. It’s like how my mother always said I was never allowed to get a body piercing or she wouldn’t pay for my college, and then I got my bellybutton pierced on spring break in Daytona Beach. Barb, you should have said you approved of Madison and then he would have been all into Hannah Ann!!
To prove to Madison that he’s also down with Jesus, he decides to fly her to a sacred rock in Australia. He’s like “Oh, you’re into religion? Let me tell you about this rock I know!!!” I’m sure she knows all about it, Peter. This rock was definitely on one of the pamphlets her youth pastor passed around to give the kids tips on how to turn the indigenous people to Christianity during her 8th grade mission trip.
Lol, she’s dumping him over sparkling apple juice?? Just kill yourself now, Peter.
Madison says part of being a fighter is knowing when to surrender and she never meant to start a war, she just wanted him to let her in. Or was that the chorus to “Wrecking Ball”? Honestly, I drifted off there for a minute so it’s hard to tell.
Peter is all but begging her to stay with him. He drank sparkling apple juice for you, Madison! And didn’t even wince while he did it! What more do you want from him??
They touch foreheads just long enough to make me truly uncomfortable and then Madison and her spider lashes ride off into the outback for a final time. Sad!
Peter Tries To Make Lemonade Out Of Lemons A Sonic Model
After Madi self-eliminates, we’re treated to a montage of Peter moping around the Australian Best Western. He’s like “Chris, I said never surrender and I surrendered!!” Meanwhile, throughout this entire conversation. Chris Harrison is just looking at him like all he just wanted directions to the breakfast bar, but fine. Could be worse, Chris, he could have jumped a fence!
I guess Peter’s going to suck it up and go through the motions with Hannah Ann because he shows up to their day date looking only slightly depressed. If Hannah Ann has been on any dates that originated from Hinge, then I’m sure she’s used to that look of mild dejection. It’s the way every modern day love story truly begins.
They go play with baby kangaroos, and is it just me or does that baby Kangaroo look older than Hannah Ann? Again, I’d like to see some I.D. here please.
PETER: I’m so glad you’re here, it just means so much to me.
HANNAH ANN:
HAHAHAHA. Yeah, that look definitely says she’s there because she wants to be and not at all because she’s being held against her will by production to finish this season out.
Is this Hannah Ann’s final rose ceremony dress?? Since when are you allowed to show your kneecaps on engagement day?? I suppose she did say she was going to do “everything she could” to get there with Peter. I just thought she meant sharing fun childhood stories to strengthen their emotional bond, not sharing the contour she did on her boobs.
Meanwhile, Peter shows up to this date looking like he just got shoved into a locker. Peter’s like, “I’ve never doubted anything with you except our entire future together, you know?” He tells her that his heart is being pushed into two different directions as Hannah Ann fights the urge to tell him that’s fine, she’s only here because her agent said it would look good on her resume.
I love that she tells him she’s at her breaking point and he smirks at her …? God, this girl has never seen a real breaking point before. If your breaking point involves a Revolve bandage dress and contoured boobs, then it’s not your true breaking point. Try riding the M train shoved against someone wondering aloud what color we see when we die, and then talk to me about breaking points, Hannah Ann!!
Also, like what does Peter expect to get out of this conversation except another girl self-eliminating? He basically told her he loves another girl TO HER FACE. Hell would have to freeze over before I’d say yes to an engagement the day after a conversation like this.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you tomorrow night for part two of the thrilling season finale where we’ll finally find out if Peter ends up with anything other than the gaping wound on his forehead. Until then!
Images: Giphy (4); @shesallbach /Instagram (1); @bachelorfreaks /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
Presented by SkinnyPop
Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! I’m told that tonight we’ll be subjected to the fiery car crash otherwise known as “The Women Tell All.” But before the women can skewer Pachi over the flames of their ever-burning hatred, we must first finish the Fantasy Suites rose ceremony. I think we can all agree that last week was a rough one—and I’m not just talking Victoria F in the bedroom. In fact, I feel like last week’s episode can be summed up with this entire exchange:
MADISON: I’m a virgin and if you slept with other women then we’re done.
PETER:
Things were not looking great for the two of them when Madison was noticeably absent from the rose ceremony. Which brings us to tonight! We’re moments away from finding out if Madison’s prayer circle will forgive Peter for experimenting in sexual asphyxiation with Victoria F. Oh Pachi, what a tangled web you weave.
The Rose Ceremony
As Victoria is getting ready for the rose ceremony, she tells us that Peter’s love is the “purest” she’s ever seen. I’m not sure if “pure” is the right word here, but he’s definitely the most single person she’s ever been with. Also, what world is she living in? Their entire relationship has consisted of her screaming “I can’t!” and Peter looking at the camera like he’d like to hang himself. The fact that Victoria thinks she could have a forever with him makes me want to call her doctor immediately and have him adjust her meds.
Is that *squints* Chris Harrison at a rose ceremony? Well, well, how nice of you to join us Christopher! I’m pretty sure the last time he spoke directly to Peter was back in Cleveland when the women hijacked his rose ceremony—and that’s only because he’s contractually obligated to interfere when the contestants form a mutiny and try to bury the lead alive for his stupidity.
He asks Peter how everything is going and Peter immediately breaks down into tears. I love that Chris is looking at him with absolute disgust. I guess after the Fence Jump of 2019, he made sure to adjust his contract so that he’s no longer obligated to deal with emotional breakdowns.
PETER: *weeps*
CHRIS HARRISON:
Hannah Ann is the first to arrive at tonight’s rose ceremony and you can tell she doesn’t really want to win this thing. I mean, it’s the only excuse I can think of for why she would decide to show up to one of the most important rose ceremonies of the season dressed like a witch’s curse turned her into a table lamp just in time to perform “Be Our Guest.” Then there’s the fact that she looks absolutely panicked that Madison is absent from the rose ceremony and she might automatically be going to the finals.
Madi shows up at the very last second wearing a red dress of sin. What’s even more alarming? You can see her collarbone. Wooooooow. Her youth pastor will definitely be using clips from this episode as a cautionary tale at his next Sunday school sermon, that’s for sure.
Peter starts off the rose ceremony and he is visibly upset. I would also be upset if my only options for marriage included a model for Kohl’s coupons, the black widow of Virginia Beach, and a girl wearing a chastity belt made of titanium. Tbh I can hardly focus on him when the camera keeps panning to Madison’s makeup. Can Madison figure out how to use mascara? MY GOD. You’re a virgin Madi, but you’re certainly not blind!!
HOLY SH*T. He picks Madison over little miss temptress Victoria F?? I’m shocked. Victoria F was truly at the fantasy suites for one thing and one thing only light choking. Chase Rice, if you’re reading this, I fully expect someone to be slipping into your DMs very soon.
Peter’s like “Madison, will you accept this rose?” and in response she gives the world’s longest sigh. Why do I have a feeling Peter will be dissecting that pause AT LENGTH while on the phone with his mother later? Madison is like “I guess I’ll take this rose, fornicator.” HAHA. That was such an angry “yeah.” I love it.
Okay, that’s not the exit performance I thought Victoria F would give. She seems very calm and collected. I expected hellfire, or at the very least a verbal emasculation of Peter. Boooooo.
The Women Tell All
Moving on. This is usually the time during each season when the women are on their very best behavior as they all compete for a spot on Paradise or The Bachelorette. And by “very best behavior” I mean verbally tearing each other limb-by-limb for production’s sick satisfaction. See? Fun! Tonight will be especially entertaining to watch, as this was filmed before the next Bachelorette had been announced, and they found out that their IG spon-con opportunities were going to a woman who is old enough to have actually birthed MyKenna. You love to see it.
Things start off strong when Chris Harrison mocks the women for not having a strong grasp of the English language. I don’t think he’s really being fair to them though. You know they can only speak in hashtags and emojis, Chris!
First up on the chopping block is Alayah. The women would still like to roast her hair extensions over an open flame for daring to bond with them through gossip and Twitter rumors. I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand what she’s done wrong. Gossiping is, like, the underlying foundation of female friendships. In fact, the only thing that brings women together more than a juicy rumor is an overly-long bathroom line. If you can’t make friends this way anymore then this world is truly broken.
Chris Harrison goes “let’s talk about #ChampagneGate and the pop heard ‘round the world” and it’s cute that he stole a line directly from one of my recaps.
CHRIS HARRISON: You know what they say: all’s well that ends well… up your nose!!
ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS UP YOUR NOSE. I’m sure Mike Fliess wouldn’t appreciate you bringing up cocaine habits on live television. You know that you have to wait for the company Christmas party for that kind of talk.
Somehow, Tammy is allotted speaking time, and I truly forgot how unhinged she is. You can tell she desperately wants to be seen as the only sane person in the room and it’s not going well for her. She keeps denying things she said about the other contestants despite the fact that production has the receipts and just played them for a live studio audience.
Once again, she starts coming for Kelsey’s emotional stability, and it’s like, of course Kelsey is emotionally unstable! She’s competing with 20+ other women on national television for the attention of a man who definitely makes jokes about his cockpit in the bedroom. You’re ALL emotionally unstable!
TAMMY: So, you’re saying you weren’t drunk during that altercation?
KELSEY: I never said I was sober!
^ Things I’ve said to my mom when she questions that one time my phone was stolen in the SoHo Forever21 at 11 in the morning. These things just happen, mother!!
Even though Sydney just watched footage of herself calling Tammy a psycho, she would like to know why Kelsey is name-calling her. And this is the crux of why I hate Sydney so much. You can’t be a bully AND a victim.
SYDNEY: Didn’t you call me a stupid f*cking bitch?
KELSEY: First of all, it was crazy f*cking bitch. I would never insult your intelligence like that!!
That’s just, like, the rules of feminism I suppose.
You can tell the producers had a hard time scripting this fight between Tammy and MyKenna, because at one point the words “you dance like a buffoon” come out of Tammy’s mouth and MyKenna’s only comeback is “you can meet me on the streets of Canada.” Ah, yes. The mean streets of Canada, where you can find healthcare on every corner and people hustling for $14/hr minimum wage. Truly terrifying.
america listening to Mykenna quote TJ Maxx mugs again #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/CxERtBdSU7
— Grace Elizabeth (@G_Brinkerhoff) March 3, 2020
Kelsey’s Bachelorette Audition
Kelsey gets called into the hot seat, and she’s the first girl of the night to get any one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. You can tell she was treating this like her Bachelorette audition, because this Kelsey feels very put together and not like the hot mess I know and love. Poor girl just wanted ABC to find her a warm body to come home to and now she’s got nothing to go back to except her bottle of Korbel.
CHRIS: What got you crying there? Are you drunk again?
Chris! You can’t just ask her that! Chris keeps bringing up #ChampagneGate and how Kelsey feels about taking things up her nose and it’s like, Chris, she already said the only pill she pops is Adderall! Lay off!!
Oh look, and there’s Ashley I milking her five more minutes of fame for all it’s worth. Ashley I is like that troll who lives under a bridge, except instead of paying her money for passage into Bachelor Nation, you need to pay her in what’s left of your dignity.
She tells Kelsey that she’s really happy someone else finally looks more pathetic and miserable on national television than she did. For her service to her country, she gifts her with a bottle of champagne the size of Li’l Sebastian. Dear god.
Victoria F Denies Everything
Chris calls Victoria into the hot seat, and I can’t wait for him to grill the sh*t out of her. She starts off by giving a very passionate speech about how she wishes she let Peter love her the way he wanted, and I’m starting to think that she also regrets sticking that finger up his butt. That probably works well with the married men, but then again they’re also probably blackmailed into compliance. Know your audience, Vickie!
Omg Chris Harrison is finally gonna earn his paycheck this week with his “to be clear, have you ever broken up a marriage before” line of questioning. Victoria does an amazing job of deflecting every single question Chris throws at her. She denies hooking up with married men, but it’s very vague. What’s most disappointing is that Chris isn’t even TRYING to poke holes in her story. He literally asked more questions about #ChampagneGate then he has about Victoria’s affairs.
God, why is he praising her?? He’s like “you’re so mature, Victoria” and it’s like did YOU sleep with her too, Christopher?? Are we just going to forget how truly awful this girl was? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
ABC Actually Gets Deep?
In an unexpected turn of events, ABC takes a moment to talk about online hate and the trolling of contestants. Former Bachelorette Rachel is welcomed to the stage, where she addresses the issue by actually reading some of the horrifying messages people of color have received after being featured on the show. While this feels like a really important conversation to have, and one I’m glad ABC is addressing, to me, there was something off about this display, and it left a sour taste in my mouth. For one, I didn’t like how coy they were about the issue. Not once was the word “racism” uttered on that stage. They kept saying “online hate” and “trolls” as the camera panned to the women of color. I would have loved to have seen ABC really take a stand against racism, for them to say “racism won’t be tolerated in Bachelor Nation and those tweets, comments, DMs, are racist, disgusting, and deplorable.” Instead, they straddled the line, and it was disappointing to watch.
It almost felt like ABC was using this moment to reaffirm that that the franchise isn’t as white-washed as it absolutely is. This is a great start, sure, but let’s not forget there has only ever been one person of color as a Bachelor/Bachelorette lead. And then when that person was the lead, they put a white supremacist on her season for better ratings. They put a sexual predator on Becca’s season for that very same reason. You can’t say you’re disgusted with all of the hate and the bigotry and then, on the very same stage, have a contestant who has modeled a shirt that says “white lives matter.” They want to be inclusive and diverse when it fits their narrative. This is a fantastic start to addressing the negative side of Bachelor Nation, but ABC can—and should—do more.
And on that note, that’s all I’ve got, kids! Next week is the two-day finale of Peter’s season and the internet STILL has no idea how it ends. I have this theory that the reason for this is because ABC has been keeping Peter and his future bride chained in the bowels of ABC studios so Reality Steve can’t spoil all their fun this season. Guess we’ll have to wait and see next week!
Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @g_brinkerhoff /Twitter (1)
Presented by SkinnyPop
Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.
Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go.
PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:
Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken.
Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete!
You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know.
We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin.
PETER: G’day sheilas!!!
Christ. I should have known.
Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter.
Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?
THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:
Hannah Ann’s Date
Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?
Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note.
I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!
Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!
Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women. If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.
VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:
Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??
HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.
Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there.
Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand.
Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.
Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.
I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.
The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!
Victoria’s Date
I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!
Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!
They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria.
VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:
Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions.
HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent*
I see right through you, girlfriend!
Hannah Ann during that whole conversation with Madison #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/kDxP2c8xL8
— Another Bachelor Account (@BachelorTweets4) February 25, 2020
I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off.
Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!
Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?
Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.
Madison’s Date
Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.
Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!
I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC.
Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!
Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women.
She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!
Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.
Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.
Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!
Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY.
Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!
Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @bachelortweets4 /Twitter (1);
It’s safe to say that few of us had high hopes for this season of The Bachelor. I know I certainly didn’t. With Peter the Pilot in the cockpit, we knew we were in for a nosedive, but it isn’t happening in the way we’d expected. Season 24 (lord help us) has actually been anything but boring, but that’s precisely the problem. For the first time, drama has gone from being an entertaining but ultimately short-lived element of the show, to the foundation upon which our current Bachelor is building just about all of his relationships. As viewers, we’re expected to invest in a lead whose baffling choices leave him with zero credibility, and women with questionable motives. I’ve been wondering for a while now why The Bachelor sucks so much this season, and I think I’ve narrowed it down to a few reasons.
Peter Gravitates Toward Emotionally Unstable Women
Even Stevie Wonder could see that Peter has an unhealthy fixation on emotionally unstable women. Between glorifying the telenovelas he watched with his grandma as a kid and idolizing a mother who we see in previews sobbing over a mystery woman she barely knows, our Petey never had a chance. It’s no wonder he felt compelled to try and win the heart of Hannah B. who, though endearing, isn’t exactly the poster child for emotional maturity. After rejecting him not once, but twice, she hijacks the first night and a group date and ends up crying in Peter’s lap in a puddle of her own mascara. Instead of immediately recoiling letting her down gently, Peter is apparently aroused and offers to light his season on fire by giving her a spot in the house. We all have our kinks!
Things don’t improve after Hannah B. leaves, however. Soon thereafter we were treated to a multi-episode arc centering around whether or not Hannah Ann stole Kelsey’s champagne. Though Kelsey grew on me over time, her behavior during the whole finasco was nothing short of batsh*t. Normally at the point Champagne-Gate happened, getting wasted, starting petty drama, and not being able to play well with others is grounds for elimination. Not so for our Pedro. Later, when Tammy suggests to Peter that Kelsey is emotionally unstable, Kelsey attempts to set the record straight by… showing up unannounced to Peter’s room and crying. For this, she gets a rose.
Even the Alayah storyline gave us a glimpse into Peter’s psyche. Though we now know that Sydney is an unreliable narrator, we did see that Alayah was rubbing several women in the house the wrong way and shaping up to be this season’s villain. Unless you’re Courtney Robertson, that kind of edit gets you sent home. Instead, Peter tries to bring her back after eliminating her and has even said recently that drama amongst the women “showed that this was working” and “f all the women were just getting along super well, they probably wouldn’t have been super into me.” Putting aside the blatant misogyny inherent in that statement, I’m pretty sure even with all the fighting, they’re still not that into you, buddy. You can go change your forehead bandage now.
Peter Mistakes Composure For A Lack Of Connection
Kelley was arguably a frontrunner early in the season, having banged met Peter before filming began after a chance meeting at a hotel. Peter seemed genuinely excited about her for weeks until their bizarre one-on-one date where he questioned her intentions for reasons that weren’t immediately clear. When Kelley rightly counters that he rewards drama, and on another date has the audacity to suggest that a relationship can be both good and easy, Peter regards her with a suspicion he normally reserves for women over 30.
Even when Peter’s instincts are right, he falls victim to poor judgment. Toward the end of a one-on-one date, Peter seems to pick up on his lack of connection with Hannah Ann, who’s clearly on the show to advance her middling modeling career. He almost sends her home, even going so far as to dramatically walk away from the dinner table. As if sensing that crocodile tears are his Viagra, she goes after him and pushes a few out in a last-ditch effort to secure her FabFitFun sponsorship spot in the final four. She gets the rose and, poof, suddenly all reservations about her seem to disappear.
Peter Ignores Clear Red Flags
At this point in the season, the final four should be comprised of four women who, if not actually there for the right reasons, are at least trying to convince us otherwise. This time, with the exception of maybe Madison, we have finalists who would’ve been eliminated weeks ago: Hannah Ann, who’s there to broaden her opportunities and clearly not ready for marriage; Kelsey, the hot mess who overindulged early on and struggles to keep it together; and Victoria F., who hasn’t come close to opening up and being vulnerable, qualities that are practically prerequisites for making it to hometowns. Instead, she’s shady, evasive when asked probing questions, won’t look Peter in the eye, and cries when put on the spot. In other words, marriage material. As if that weren’t alarming enough, she deflects when Peter asks pointed questions about her shady past and gaslights him. Apparently this is Peter’s idea of foreplay, because she gets a rose without even introducing him to her family on her hometown date! Meanwhile Kelley is kicked off for daring to refer to the experience as “fun” and Kelsey is eliminated for daring to be clear about being in love with him.
Me watching Peter give Victoria F. the rose:
Even if we don’t buy into the format of The Bachelor as a realistic way of finding everlasting love, at the very least, we want to be able to root for the Bachelor and the woman he chooses in the end. Unfortunately, the elevation of drama this season, and Peter’s flagrant revelry in it, has made this extremely difficult, if not impossible. As a card-carrying messy b*tch who lives for drama, it pains me to say that there can, in fact, be too much of a good thing. Peter’s false and immature belief that love must be difficult colors his decision-making throughout this season, to the detriment of not only the two women who aren’t there to expand their brand, but also to us viewers. Just when we thought The Bachelor couldn’t get more ridiculous, our trusty pilot flies in and makes it a full-on farce.
Images: ABC/Francisco Roman; Giphy (4)
Presented by SkinnyPop
Happy Hometowns week, Bachelor fam! This is the fun part of every season where the lead tries to pretend that they might actually move to a town that only just got a Walmart last year. Lol, k. It’s LA or die, you aren’t fooling anyone! It’s also the most telling part of each season. Right now what we know about these women is only what they’ve shown us, and what they’ve shown us is that they probably have surgically enhanced bone structures and can contour within an inch of their lives. During Hometowns we get to see what their original noses looked like, meet the people who caused their deep emotional trauma that eventually drove them to sign up for a reality dating show, and find out who should start with their anti-aging skin care regimen right away. So, let’s get started then!
Hannah Ann’s Hometown
Up first we have Hannah Ann’s Hometown in Knoxville. If you’ll recall, this is where all the modeling magic happens: from her parent’s basement in a town in Tennessee that is not Nashville. What fortuitous timing that she would look for “love” on a show where there have been multiple opportunities for her to work with brands who used to always pretend like they didn’t know Knoxville’s zip code. I can’t wait for her parents to whip out a scrapbook of all her past modeling gigs and watch Peter agree that, yes, Hannah Ann really does have the perfect face for an Applebee’s franchise. Carry on.
PROBABLY HANNAH ANN’S MODELING LOOK BOOK:
Hannah Ann tells Peter that her dad works in lumber and she needs to see if he’s man enough like her dad. I’m going to go ahead and save you the suspense, Hannah Ann: he’s not. The man showed up to meet your family in skinny jeans, for Christ’s sake.
They go axe throwing before meeting the parents and I love that they immediately put Peter in a situation where he could get another serious head injury. He just got that bandaid off, you guys!!
Also, how is axe throwing going to prove that Peter is man enough for her? This feels like a loose connection. In my experience, axe throwing is something drunk girls do at breweries to pass the time between drinking ciders and taking boomerangs. How does this prove he’s a man exactly?
Peter was so enamored by Hannah Ann’s note during the last group date that he decided to write one of his own. His isn’t pink or scented, but it does say that he enjoys her giggle and that he loves that she has a name for every dress she owns. Oh, Peter. Those aren’t names she came up with herself! Those are brands she’s contractually obligated to mention at least once a date!
Peter is introduced to Hannah Ann’s family, and I love that these people get so emotional every time they see their son or daughter on this show. It’s like they know they’ve been held hostage and they’re glad to see they’re in one piece. You know, if they consider “one piece” gushing over a man who sometimes refers to himself as “pachi.”
I would like to see more of this house. Hannah Ann still lives at home, right? I just get the feeling that her bedroom still has Justin Bieber posters on it. I can’t wait for her to show Peter and admit that tickets to the Purpose Tour was the best 13th birthday present ever.
A girl wearing more body glitter than an entire Hannah Montana concert and a star necklace straight from Delia’s 2005 accessory bin asks Hannah Ann if she’s ready for marriage and THIS is how I know Hannah Ann is too young for marriage. Who are these people she associates with??
Peter sits down with Hannah Ann’s mom and I love how unsure she is about him. She’s like “where is your relationship at?” Well Mrs. Sluss, she’s one date away from getting f*cked by him in a three-star hotel, does that answer your question? I mean, sure, that’s not a great look, but your daughter also thinks she’s going to be a supermodel because the manager at Kohl’s told her so once. This isn’t the worst idea she’s ever had.
PETER: I think I’m in love with your daughter.
HANNAH ANN’S DAD: I would ask that you just not.
AHAHAHAHAHA. I WOULD ASK THAT YOU NOT. These are things that I say when my Uber driver tries to speak to me, these are not things you want your potential future father-in-law to tell you on your first meeting!! It’s not looking good for you, Peter!
Oh sh*t! He said “I’m falling for you” anyway! On their family porch and everything! Is nothing sacred to you, Peter??
Hannah Ann’s father after hearing Peter express he’s falling in love with her 2 seconds after he told him not to say it unless he means it #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/75ZctY9fIy
— 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets) February 18, 2020
Kelsey’s Hometown
Kelsey’s up next and she tells Peter that he better be ready to get “down and dirty” in Des Moines, Iowa. I’m not sure what this means, but I can’t wait to see what she and the Iowa tourist board have come up with to make this place seem interesting.
Of course Kelsey’s date involves alcohol. God, I love her. Kelsey paints a picture for Peter that makes Iowa sound like a mecca for art and culture and a place known for its wine-making. And here I thought the only things Iowa was know for were its corn mazes and f*cking us all over in primary elections. Huh.
Part one of their date involves them crushing their own grapes with their feet, but it’s unclear as to what the purpose of this is. Surely they aren’t making their own wine with those grapes? Because the grapes on the vines in the background aren’t even ripe yet, so you know the ABC interns just filled that bathtub up with whatever the Des Moines Costco carried in bulk.
Now i get why Kelsey went bonkers about the Champagne, she made it herself. 🤔 #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/4tKtP1ocVE
— Katie Ann (@Kate50646534) February 18, 2020
Part two of their date takes them to a wine-tasting! They’ll be tasting various wines so they can make their own special wine to take to dinner at Kelsey’s parents’ house. Once again, Kelsey makes this all sound very sophisticated when in reality she probably just wanted to get day drunk with her boyfriend. I see right through you, girlie. She’s like “here’s a symbol of our love” and it’s a bottle of what I’m guessing is red moscato.
Overall, I find this date to be very cute and I’m not just saying that because it’s inspired me to open a second bottle of wine tonight. I actually find Kelsey to be really genuine and sweet, but I just don’t think Peter is into her. Case in point: when Kelsey tells Peter she loves him, he doesn’t say it back. He even gave ole Ranger Rick a half-hearted “I’m falling for you” but he can’t give Kelsey the same?? Wow.
My first reaction when I see Kelsey’s family is that they’re beautiful and not at all surprised or uncomfortable about having a camera crew in their home. This doesn’t feel like the house of horrors she described during her one-on-one. How pissed do you think ABC is to find that her family found healthy coping mechanisms for their pain? Where are the broken dreams and blatant displays of abandonment issues? This is not the hometown date they were promised!
Peter sits down with Kelsey’s mother, and I can already tell you this isn’t going to end well. He’s talking to a woman scorned and she’s supposed to be impressed by a guy who wears skinny jeans and says things like “Barthelona” in casual conversation? Nah, I don’t think so. Drag his assssss, hunnie.
Meanwhile, Kelsey sits down with her stepdad to hash out her feelings for Peter. She says she doesn’t want to get her heart broken again and this guy is nodding like a man whose biggest tragedy in life is that the Vineyard Vines President’s Day sale ran out of his size.
Guys, I feel bad for Kelsey! Peter leaves her with a very half-hearted “I love that you love me” speech and I just have a very bad feeling about all of this. Kelsey is so great! I mean, yes, there was that one time she took a bottle of red to the face and cried alone by a pool, but WHO AMONG US HASN’T DONE THAT. Do better, Peter! Do Better.
Madison’s Hometown
Next on Peter’s bus tour of America is Madison’s hometown of Auburn, Alabama! Madi tells Peter she’s going to take him someplace that’s really important to her, and I’m hoping for all of our sakes it’s not a bible study class.
She actually takes him to Auburn’s basketball stadium where they play a little pickup game of basketball. How fun that she gets to take him on a date where she gets to do what she does best! If this were me, I’d have taken him to a bar to see how well he can mock and verbally spar with the other patrons. Some people are good at sports, others are good at alienating people—we all have our special talents!
Peter meets Madison’s family, and I’m immediately alarmed by what her dad looks like. Is this the real Benjamin Button?? How can he possibly be old enough to have a child?? My alarm only grows when they all sit down to dinner. It’s announced that Madi’s family likes to do a fun thing called “the special plate” where they go around the table and compliment Madi.
Yeah, my family does a similar thing, but instead of showering me with praise and adoration it’s more like they berate me for my life choices until I’m rocking back and forth in a ball under the table.
MADISON’S FAMILY: We cheers with sweet tea!
PETER:
Okay, that is a red flag if I’ve ever seen one. I can deal with racist uncles and my grandma asking about my love life and my baby cousin announcing her engagement before I have a chance to announce that my dog likes to wear sweaters now, but I what I absolutely cannot deal with are dry family occasions. I won’t do it and you can’t make me!
So Madison IS saving herself for marriage?? What does that mean exactly? Like, is it a “just the tip” situation or is she the type that still wears maxi pads because she’s afraid of dishonoring the Lord by piercing her hymen with a tampon? I. need. more. answers!
Oh, OF COURSE her dad’s name is Chad. He really looks like the Chaddiest Chad I’ve ever seen.
MADISON’S DAD: When you were a baby I prayed that one day you might find a husband.
Why do I feel like this guy has to think dowries are still a thing?
Peter says he loves Madison, and this is huge. He’s only ever said “I’m falling in love” not that he’s actually in love. I feel like if he knew the truth about her virginity, he would be singing a different tune…
Also, I love that Peter thinks he’s on the same page as this girl. That basketball coach legit said Madi made the final four that year. THAT MEANS SHE WAS IN COLLEGE STILL THIS YEAR. You can’t be on the same page as a recent college graduate unless you’re learning that your email signature isn’t supposed to include an inspirational quote from Audrey Hepburn. You just can’t.
Victoria’s Hometown
I love that they start the hometown date that production has teased as being the seventh circle of hell, with footage of Victoria’s adorable black lab. You know that was the only decent footage they could find of Victoria from that entire date.
Victoria tells Peter she wants to show him the “charm” of Virginia Beach, and apparently that charm includes another musical number by none other than… Chase Rice?! Kidding! It’s just Hunter Hayes, but you can tell Peter is still traumatized because he’s looking around like he’s waiting for someone to tell him Victoria’s f*cked this musician too.
Hunter Hayes starts singing “I don’t want easy, I want crazy” and that feels like the most fitting song for this date.
PETER: In Spanish that song would be called I want loco!!
After they part ways before the dinner portion of the evening, Peter runs into an old pal at the concert. How crazy and unexpected this is! I love how shocked Peter is to see this girl as if production didn’t plant her there by giving her Peter’s exact coordinates. He’s like, “oh my god you live here?? You guys, she lives here!!” In other news, Peter, the sky is blue!! Is your foundation absolutely shaking??
This friend of Peter’s tells him that she’s also a friend of Victoria’s and that Victoria can’t be trusted. What I don’t understand is why ABC is even blurring out her face? We all saw her exclusive on People.com this week. Also, this encounter tells Peter nothing really. If you’ve been following this scandal closely then you know Victoria has been accused of sleeping with the married men of Virginia Beach (among other problematic things). And yet, all we’re getting out of this friend is “don’t trust her.” I’ve been more descriptive in a Venmo request. Come on, Merissa, you can do better than that.
Obviously this vague, but foreboding message still has Peter on edge even as he gets ready to meet her family for the first time. His anxiety must show because he takes one step out of the Uber and already Victoria is jumping down Peter’s throat about something seeming “off” about him. Uh-oh. Looks like Peter’s in another mood, Victoria!!
PETER: I heard this rumor that you break up people’s marriages in your spare time. Is that true?
VICTORIA: That’s offensive.
ALSO VICTORIA: But which couple did she say it was…?
Peter’s like “do you ever fight for anything?” and it’s like, Peter, she’s been fighting to get kicked off this show for actual weeks now. I thought you knew this!
I can’t even take this argument seriously because all she does is mumble and cry. He keeps asking her to fight for them and she keeps telling him to leave. This feels like a clear sign that Peter should dump her right here and now. There is nothing redeemable about this girl, Peter!!
Okay, so wait. Did they just break up? I’m confused. Their argument ends pretty abruptly with Peter getting into the limo and leaving the date early. He doesn’t even meet her family!
Back at his hotel, Peter says he’s really conflicted. On the one hand, he doesn’t like what he’s heard about Victoria from his own trusted source, but on the other hand he’d still like to f*ck her. I think this is what they call a “Sophie’s Choice.”
Victoria shows up to Peter’s hotel and I’m not surprised in the least. I’ve heard she’s familiar with the hotel scene in Virginia Beach…
She’s trying to convince Peter to give them another shot while at the same time neither confirming nor denying any of the rumors. She is a master manipulator, I will give her that. Meanwhile, Peter is bringing up some great points about how they have no communication skills and this relationship is definitely doomed in the long run. I still think he’ll pick her.
VICTORIA: I don’t even know. I can’t, like, let you go.
PETER: You literally told me to leave?
Yes, she did!! Also, why aren’t they talking about the accusations? There’s no mention of her mistress extracurricular activities, and I feel like that should be mentioned here.
As Victoria leaves his hotel room she makes one final plea for Peter’s heart: she slips him a wallet sized nude picture of their WestWorld cosplay. Interesting choice. If she really wanted to catch his attention, perhaps she could have just answered his question directly, but this tracks too.
The Rose Ceremony
For the rose ceremony the ladies are, of course, meeting up at an airplane hangar. WE GET IT, ABC. He’s a pilot. Enough. I beg of you.
Peter starts things off by saying that this has been a particularly rough week for him. He’s like, “some of you were able to give me a lot more than others, like an actually dinner with your family.” Whoaaaa. Low blow, Peter. Low blow.
HE CHOOSES VICTORIA! WHAT!!! My married friend who has watched approximately three episodes of this show ever just got up from my couch and said: “I’m going home to finish this bottle of wine, he deserves to die alone, goodbye.” GOODBYE.
He legit looks so miserable giving that rose to Victoria. It’s like someone threatened to blow up one of those planes so he had to do it. Anything for the planes!
I feel so bad for Kelsey, oh my god. And he doesn’t even have a legit reason for it. He’s just like “I wasn’t there with you yet.”
ME:
YOU COWARD!! She said she loved you and you chose a girl whose past is sketchier than some of the clothing vendors on Amazon! Kelsey, girl, I would pour one out for you, but I know how much you’d hate that. Here’s hoping we see more of you!
And that’s a wrap for Hometowns, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Madison finally address the hymen elephant in the room and finally tells Peter her secret. I’m sure he’ll handle it with as much grace and maturity as he did all of those windmill jokes. Until then!
For more on Peter’s hometowns, check out the latest episode of Betchelor Center:
Images: ABC; Giphy (2); @thebachelor, @thebetchelor, @mydadwatchesthebachelor /Instagram; @tvgoldtweets, @kate50646534 / Twitter
Welcome back, Bachelor fam, to another Monday spent at the mercy of ABC! In the five days since the last episode of The Bachelor aired, the weather reports in my area have ranged from 60 degree days to 30 degree days, from hurricane and extreme flooding warnings to snow and black ice alerts. If this is not a sign from God Herself that this show is blasphemous and the beginning of the end for all humanity, then I’m not sure what is. Luckily for you betches, a hellmouth could literally swallow me whole and, as long as I have access to the WiFi and a way to stream the latest episode, I would not consider it a red flag.
This week, Peter and his co-pilots will be in Lima, Peru, and 10 bucks says Peter is going to meet the women in a full-on poncho and sombrero get-up. He’s one with the people, you guys!!
ME: Maybe ABC won’t flaunt Peter’s loose Cuban heritage in a bid to seem more diverse and inclusive.
PETER: Yes mamí, it’s Pachi!!
Christ. Never mind.
Before any date cards can be read, Peter shows up at the hotel to beg for the women’s adoration once more. “Please take this seriously,” he says with a giant boo-boo on his head. I guess it’s getting close to Hometowns now, and he wants to remind them that he’s not just going to show up in a place like Iowa for them NOT to sleep with him in the fantasy suite, mmkay?
Madison’s One-On-One Date
Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and it’s the first bit of actual screen time she’s had since week one when she walked out of the limo. Seriously, when her name was called it took me a solid few minutes to even place her outside of a group date or a rose ceremony when she’s not surrounded by at least three other women’s hair extensions.
I love that Madison puts on those spider eyelashes for the occasion and Peter decides to leave his maxipad of a bandaid at home. It’s the little things that can keep a romance alive.
Peter says that Madi is his best friend here, and I can absolutely see that. I half expect this date to end with the two of them making friendship bracelets or looking at each other’s Pinterest boards for caption inspo for their Instagram posts of this date.
Their date is actually pretty cute, but it’s hard for me to root for them when I’ve seen absolutely zero of their romance play out on-screen. She tells Peter that she’s in this for him and she can see them together after the show and it’s like, I can barely see them together now!!
Okay, these soft kisses are making me GAG. Butterfly kisses are things I wrote about in my 7th grade diary, but have no place on a Peruvian boat date with grown-ass adults!!
As we move into the evening portion of the date, Madison reveals that she does, in fact, have some baggage to reveal before Peter makes a decision about her and Hometowns. You can tell Peter is running through all the scenarios of what it could possibly be in his mind. He’s like “maybe it’s divorce? Bullying? That she only placed third in her last pageant??”
Oh god, it’s worse. So much worse. Madison reveals to Peter that she’s actually very religious and, look, there’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s no place for it on a show whose very foundation is built on spitting on the sanctity of marriage. Suddenly the butterfly kisses are making so much more sense. And here I thought she was just going to tell him that she still has a hymen!
She tells him that she has a very strong relationship with the lord and so does her dad, and I would LOVE to know what her daddy thinks about Peter’s little windmill claim to fame. She mentions her faith and the lord about 12 more times and Peter’s like “yeah same, same, but I’m the kind of Christian who still likes to watch porn, you know?”
PETER: Let’s not let this little thing like THE LORD get in the way of us f*cking though, k?
Always the diplomat, Peter.
Wooooooow. Did Peter just say he was falling in love with her?! That’s kind of soon considering we only just met Madison this week! He gives Madison the rose, so I guess we’ll get to see firsthand what her god-fearing father thinks of Peter and his salsa hips. Can’t wait!
Natasha’s One-On-One Date
Hannah Ann announces that Natasha is getting the second one-on-one date of the week—at least that’s what I think she said, but honestly it’s hard to tell after she absolutely butchered reading that date card. It was less of a pronunciation and more of just a series of mumbles followed by a loud “yay!” Clearly Hannah Ann doesn’t have as great a grasp on the Spanish language as Peter does. Perhaps Pachi will give you a lesson later!
Natasha walks out to meet Peter and you can tell he literally cannot pick her out of a crowd. He’s looking left and right until a producer helpfully points in her general direction. But, sure, tell me more about their strong connection, ABC!
I love that he keeps bringing up his injury. He’s like “doesn’t it look good without the Band-Aid??” and Natasha has to hold in a dry heave while pretending to be interested in his still-oozing wound.
Don’t lie, Natasha. You’re better than that.
Peter says that he’s still unsure about Natasha, but he always has a “good time” with her. If my dog could talk, this is what she’d say about me.
I’ve been racking my brain as to why Peter would keep Natasha around for so long when there seems to be zero romantic chemistry between the two of them, and now I’m starting to think it’s maybe because he’s scared of her. The last time he forgot to show her affection, she completely commandeered his rose ceremony and made him eliminate the only girl he was excited about taking to the Fantasy Suites.
My theory is further proven when he throws on a Peruvian hat and pretends to be the lord of the dance. If you can’t find the courage to dump someone, you might as well disgust them into leaving of their own accord, amiright Peter?
Seriously, what fresh hell is this?
He’s like, “I’ve seen many sides of you” and it’s like, is that what we’re calling being cursed out at a rose ceremony these days? Natasha seems pleased by this conversation, so he continues to lay the compliments on thick. He keeps saying things like “you’re so bold and feisty,” and these are adjectives I use to describe myself on dating app profiles when I actually mean “outwardly hostile.” I’m on to you, Peter.
Things are not looking great for our girl Tash as we head into the evening portion of the date. Natasha seems to think that just because Peter is slightly frightened of her, that means that he’ll keep her around. Noticing his hesitance, she brings up the fact that she’s 31, as if this is supposed to make him recognize that she’s emotionally mature enough for marriage and not just make him physically recoil, as he’s doing at this very moment. Look, Natasha, the median age of the women left this season is “legal enough,” so I doubt that’s going to impress him, sweetie.
ME: I hope Peter treads very carefully. She’s 31 and felt like her last option for marriage involved a reality dating show. She clearly has nothing left to lose.
PETER: *dangles the rose in front of her face* Let’s be friends, K?
PETER. Why would you pick up the rose and then not hand it to her?! Peter admits that he only has platonic feelings for Natasha and, while I think it’s f*cking cruel and unusual punishment to tell her like this as he dangles a rose (and her last chance at marriage) right in front of her face, this really should have been done weeks ago.
You were a real one, Natasha. Can’t wait to see you in Paradise, girl!
Kelsey’s One-On-One Date
Moving on! Kelsey gets the last one-on-one date of the week, and she’s worried that this means she’ll be sent home like Natasha. Kelsey, honey, the man took your side in an argument over CHAMPAGNE. I think you’re good.
Peter keeps saying how much he loves exploring and going on adventures and it’s like, the last time you “explored” a stationary golf cart you split your forehead open like Humpty Dumpty. Should you really be pushing your luck with this four-wheeler? All I know is that if I have to see another lumpy flesh-colored bandage I’ll kill myself. I will.
I can tell Kelsey is really into him because she doesn’t even seem turned off by Peter’s heavy breathing as he climbs that small hill. He’s acting like he needs one of those masks that falls out of the overhead compartment, he’s so out of breath.
Honestly, I’m hoping Kelsey makes it to hometowns. I’ve been dying to know what a “professional clothier” is for weeks now. Does it mean she works at a Kohl’s, folding last season’s LC by Lauren Conrad, OR does it mean she actually does unboxing videos on IG, but only of clothes she bought herself? The suspense is killing me!!!
Peter asks Kelsey about what he can expect from Iowa if he was to go to her hometown, and she tells him broken dreams and a confrontation with her absentee father. Um, I’m pretty sure he was just wondering if there was like, a county fair or some cultural landmark he couldn’t miss, but sure that answer works too.
I will say that this is the first date where Kelsey hasn’t been edited to seem like some sort of drunken monster, and I love it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, deranged looks good on her, but it’s nice to see other facets of her personality. She actually seems like a real person, and I can understand why Peter likes her. When he gives her the rose, I’m not opposed. Carry on.
The Group Date
Instead of an official rose ceremony, we’re told that the final roses will be given out during a group date between Kelley, Victoria F, and Hannah Ann. To ease their concerns, Peter leaves them with a date card that just says: “tomorrow won’t be easy.” Lol PETER! I haven’t seen something this foreboding since Moira Rose’s The Crows Have Eyes 3 trailer.
If anyone is not worried about this date, it’s Kelley. She knows that her competition is a girl who is young enough to think liking Hilary Duff is “vintage” and Victoria F, who won’t stop crying. Yeah, I’d like those odds too.
Okay is it just me, or does it feel like every time Kelley talks about Peter she’s insulting him? I LOVE IT.
IS HE BRINGING UP THE BANDAGE THING AGAIN?! He’s like “I got the bandage off you guys!” Yes, Peter, we can tell! That lumpy piece of fabric glued to your forehead was not fooling anyone. We knew it wasn’t skin!
Peter launches into some Spanish with the locals, as if any of the women on this date are going to understand what they’re saying. Hannah Ann is over here trying to remember the bits of Spanish she learned on her IG influencer trip to Cabo last year, while Kelley looks for animal shapes in the clouds. I’m guessing “mas tequila” isn’t going to cut it on this date, Hannah Ann!
Peter pulls Hannah Ann aside first, and I feel like this is because he’s the most sure about her—or at least the most sure that he’d like to take her to the Fantasy Suites. During their last date, he voiced some concerns about their connection not being very deep. He wanted Hannah Ann to open herself up to him more emotionally. It seems she really took this advice to heart, because she came to the group date armed with a page ripped straight out of her diary.
You guys, she dots her i’s with hearts!! Is this supposed to convince him she’s ready for something as serious as holy matrimony?? I bet you 100 million dollars that the other side of that sheet says “Mrs. Weber.” Or, more appropriately, “Señora Weber.”
HANNAH ANN ON THIS DATE RN:
Kelley goes second, and I’m worried she might be drunk. She’s like, flailing around, talking about how much fun she’s had on this trip. Meanwhile, Peter is giving her the same look my dad gave me when he saw my FB photo album from my sophomore year spring break trip to Daytona Beach. He’s not mad, he’s just disappointed.
I think Peter is worried that Kelley might not be serious enough for him, and I get why he thinks that. She isn’t falling all over her feet to impress him, and she keeps using the word “fun” in the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t think she’s serious about him per se, but she’s not expressing herself in the typical Bachelor-contestant way. It’s a shame, because I think this might be her downfall and I love her.
After having a mature, well-adjusted conversation with Kelley, Peter gets to witness a truly deranged meltdown from Victoria F.
PETER: *says something completely reasonable*
VICTORIA: I just feel like you’re always in a mood!!!
YOU’RE ALWAYS IN A MOOD. These are things I’ve said to my mom after she helped me with my taxes and then dares ask me do a favor for her in return. These are NOT things you say to your future husband when he asks you about your future together.
And, like, what are they even fighting about? All she ever does is mumble sh*t under her breath and cry. I’m over it.
It’s time to hand out the roses, and I’d like to say Peter would send Victoria home, but I’m not as confident as Kelley about that. She’s like, “I don’t know how Peter could send me home. Look at me, I’m an attorney” but I almost have a feeling that’s not going to work in your favor, Kel.
Okay wait. Is he sending Victoria home?! He grabbed the rose but also he’s walking her out of the house like he’s about to pass her off to security. Would Peter actually make a mature, level-headed decision about his future? Could it really be?
Oh wait, sike! He’s keeping her. Peter says that he and Victoria just have a “unique relationship” which is definitely code for “I’d still like to see her naked in the near future.” Ah, yes. It’s making all the sense in the world now.
And then there were two. It’s down to Hannah Ann and Kelley, a girl who signs her name like the 8-year-old who lives down the street from me, and an age-appropriate woman with a sparkling personality and actual career. Sadly, I already know where this is going. And what do you know! He gives Hannah Ann the final rose.
I guess Kelley shouldn’t have said the word “fun” so much. Either that, or she shouldn’t have been born in the earlier half of the 1990s.
The end of Kelley and Peter #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/ktAXM3sb1J
— Pam (@Pambino15) February 11, 2020
Okay, I am LIVING for Kelley’s exit interview in the limo. She points out that Peter might think he’s ready for marriage, but his actions speak differently. The women he’s surrounded himself with have the emotional maturity of a kindergarten class. You did it to yourself, Petey!
And that’s a wrap for this week, betches! Hometowns are next week, so start preparing yourself now for Pachi to introduce himself in Spanish to Midwesterners. Until then!
Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @pambino15 /Twitter (1); @michcoll /Instagram (1); @the_snatchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornationexclusive /Instagram (1)
Presented by SkinnyPop
Welcome back to the Betches’ Bachelor recap! We’re now on day two, hour four (OUT OF FIVE!!) of this hostage situation otherwise known as The Bachelor’s production schedule. At this point it feels like these episodes could be used as some sort of war-time torture method, because I would give up state secrets and the location of the last horcrux to not have to micro-analyze one more house disagreement over champagne. With that in mind, let’s just skip the BS and get right into the recap!
Monday night’s episode ended with Shiann dropping a major bombshell on Peter. After her elimination during the Costa Rica rose ceremony she let Peter know that—GASP!—some of the women are not there for the right reasons. I’m not sure what gave them away, Shiann—the fact that their bio line reads “swipe up and use code HannahAnn1” instead of the standard “professional nanny” or “marketing manager,” or that literally every group date has been a modeling agent’s wet dream—but good on you for figuring it out, girl!
Peter seems equally unfazed by this revelation, as it’s not even addressed in the first few moments of the episode. Instead we learn that Peter and his ladies are headed off to Santiago, Chile for another week of living, laughing, and loving. Peter says that this week is about to get “hot and spicy,” and he says that with far too much confidence for a man who is sporting a bandaid the size of a maxi pad on his forehead rn.
Just… no.
Hannah Ann’s One-On-One Date
Peter is feeling hopeful that by eliminating Lexi and Shiann, two girls who never started any drama in the house, last week, the remainder of his journey to find love will be smooth sailing. Lol k. He wants this to be more about the connections and less about refereeing fights over who uses alcohol to mask their pain and who just likes to get drunk and cry by the pool for perfectly reasonable reasons. He decides to test this theory out by asking Hannah Ann on the first one-on-one date of the week, and he does this right in front of the other girls as if Tammy isn’t going to set fire to everything Hannah Ann holds dear.
Okay, I’m dying at these two speaking Spanish to each other as if the last time they spoke the language wasn’t during their high school Spanish class. I would LOVE to get a translator in here to see what they’re really saying to each other. I mean, Hannah Ann can’t even string a sentence together in English without completely butchering it. Please.
As they explore Santiago, we’re told that Hannah Ann is the “fun one” of the group, but I would like to see some more evidence of that. Is this because Peter rubbed food all over her face and she didn’t immediately murder him for it? Is that the baseline for having a personality these days? Because if so, I’ve got that in spades.
Peter brings up some concerns about Hannah Ann’s age, but I’m confused. Aren’t half the girls who are left still, like, a semester away from graduating college? Maybe don’t say you want a mature woman and then eliminate almost every girl who could tell you what a 401k is, hmm?
Peter asks if she’s ever been in love before, and the answer she gives is similar to the one I’ve used when a guy asks me if I’ve orgasmed after exactly two minutes of foreplay. She’s like “yes, definitely, OF COURSE. But also…” Yes, Peter, you should be scared.
PETER ON THIS DATE RN:
Peter brings up her age AGAIN during the dinner portion of the date, so I guess he’s really concerned about this. He’s like “so where do you see yourself in five years? Married? With kids?” and it’s like, crickets in the room.
Honestly, I understand where Peter’s coming from here. He’s pushing 30 and she still thinks Comic Sans is a professional font. I don’t think any girl under the age of 26 should be on this show. If you’re still on your parents’ health insurance, then you’re too young to have exhausted all of your options for love. You just are! You don’t need this show. And Hannah Ann is what, 23? When I was her age, my most mature relationship was with the guy at Vito’s Pizza who wouldn’t charge me for a side of ranch if I showed him my bra strap. I certainly wasn’t ready for marriage, or kids, or a relationship with a guy who called me during daylight hours.
She says something about “diving into the shallow waters of life,” and that’s the biggest indicator about her age, because I’m sure she stole that quote off of the Marilyn Monroe poster hanging on her bedroom wall.
While Peter is having a tough time coming to terms with Hannah Ann’s age, you know what he isn’t having a tough time with? The back of her throat. Working out fundamental issues in your relationship by letting a guy dry hump you to completion in a back alley behind a restaurant is suuuuuch a 23-year-old way to handle the issue. But brava, Hannah Ann, because it works! He gives her the rose and I can’t wait to see what other sage words of wisdom she’ll be able to bring to their relationship, pulled straight from her Pinterest board. I’m thinking something along the lines of “beer before liquor, never been sicker,” but I guess only time will tell.
The Group Date
I love that ABC is like “what’s there to do in Chile? Telenovelas!” Yeah, that doesn’t feel problematic at all. For the group date, the girls will be acting out a telenovela, and you can tell some of them are going to need a translator here, because they’re giving far too many blank stares for a date where they’ll get the opportunity to be in front of a camera again. Perk up, MyKenna! Just think of what it will do for your brand!
Okay, Kelley being cast as Peter’s grandma while the rest of the women get to be bored housewives or hot divorcées is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show.
KELLEY: At the end of the day I’m just going to say incest is best on this one.
Oh, Kelley. Remember three weeks ago when you didn’t want to participate in the pillow fight group date because it might make you look unprofessional, and now you’re making incest jokes on national television? What would your clients say if they could see you now?
I love that MyKenna thinks she relates most to the role of a maid as she dusts one of the tables with the wrong end. Sure, Jan.
MYKENNA ON THIS DATE RN:
Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Peter is like “wow you all are stunning, I’m so shocked you’re here for me. Seriously, why? Explain yourselves.” I would like to hear this too, Peter!
Is it just me or does it feel like Hot Victoria is hoping Peter sends her home tonight? I just can’t think of another explanation for why she came dressed like it’s the “hoes & CEOs” mixer at her sorority house.
Okay, WAIT. Is PETER dumping HER?! If anything I thought she would see herself out. I’m truly shocked that he wouldn’t hold onto her until at least the Fantasy Suites. He tells her that he just doesn’t see her as his wife, and that’s shocking to hear considering the girls he has left in this game. Exhibit A:
Damn. I can’t believe she’s really leaving! Peter asks if he can walk her out and Hot Victoria physically recoils. She’s looking at him like girls with asses like hers do not get dumped by guys with faces like his, and she’s right.
Elsewhere, Tammy refuses to learn her lesson about starting sh*t in the house. Since her attack on Kelsey didn’t go over so well, she’s set her sights on MyKenna and, honestly, I’m disappointed in her. MyKenna? Really? I get that she’s an easy target and all, but that feels a little too much like going for the low-hanging fruit—even for me! And that’s sort of my whole thing.
Tammy asks MyKenna if she has any responsibilities outside of this show and it’s like, of course she doesn’t, sweetie. She has a blog that makes $2K a year in revenue and a daddy who thinks a viable excuse for her using the emergency Amex card is that she needed to buy new Yeezys for her Instagram’s vibe.
Madison gets the group date rose, and it makes a lot of sense because she’s been playing this game like a PRO. I’ve barely seen her on my television screen this entire season, and that’s the way you want to play it. You don’t want to be involved in the drama (Tammy) and you don’t want to start off strong only to have your connection fizzle out later (Hot Victoria). Take it from Catherine Lowe—under the radar is exactly where you want to be.
Victoria F’s One-On-One Date
Victoria F gets the second one-on-one date of the week and she starts on a good note, by reminding the good folks back home that one time she banged Chase Rice. Subtle. She’s like “I’m not sure if you remember but my ex-boyfriend, Chase Rice, really sabotaged my last one-on-one date even though I’m totally over him, and by ‘him’ I mean Chase Rice. Chase Rice as in the musician Chase Rice. Chase Rice.” Say crack Chase Rice one more time, Victoria!
Also, I’m sure Chase Rice isn’t losing sleep at night when he’s watching you and Peter square dance on a horse farm, but please do go on.
CHASE RICE: Do I still want Victoria?
PETER AND VICTORIA CURRENTLY:
CHASE RICE: Nah, I’m good.
While the date starts out well (or however one would describe what my eyeballs witnessed on that dude ranch), Victoria F admits to Peter that she’s really struggling here. She’s so shy and timid and blah, blah, blah. God, I can’t with this whole insecure act anymore. Poor Victoria. But you know what? I’m sure a sudden photoshoot would turn that frown right around! She’s always talking about what a wallflower she is, and then the second there are cameras, an audience, or a chance to win Revolve’s spring line, she’s suddenly a social f*cking butterfly. Please.
Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Victoria F is still being the biggest Debbie Downer. You can tell Peter as at his wit’s end with her. She keeps saying how she doubts her relationship with him and it’s like, actually you’ve had more alone time with him than anyone. You’ve had two one-on-one dates and every rose ceremony you get to rub one out on each other. What more do you want from the man!?
I love how she’s like “this is the most I’ve ever tried with anyone!!!” as if Peter should be so grateful for this fact. I bet Chase Rice and his DMs would beg to differ.
I will say, I appreciate how direct Peter is being with all of the girls this season. He’s outright asking about their intentions now, instead of waiting until the end of the line when his only option is to jump a fence. Usually when I’m on a date, my idea of being “direct” and “defining the relationship” is asking the guy to pass me a napkin, and then if he does it that’s confirmation enough that we’re exclusive and getting married soon, and somehow that just never works in my favor. It’s crazy.
PETER: No one has ever given me this much sh*t before and I think I might be… hard? Will you accept this rose?
Modern dating, ladies and gentlemen.
The 2-On-1 Date: Tammy vs. MyKenna
Tbh, I was expecting more from the infamous 2-on-1 date. Tammy and MyKenna feel like a pretty random pairing for this. Sure, they had beef this episode, but otherwise we haven’t really seen them interact. What gives, ABC?
MyKenna launches into this very pretty speech about how she’s a strong-ass woman just living her truth, and it’s like, are you though?? I get the feeling she’s the kind of girl who thinks feminism looks like Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” music video, and she had to skip the Women’s March because brunch.
Peter tells MyKenna and Tammy that he’s sick of both of their sh*t, and frankly that’s valid. He pulls Tammy aside first to get to the root of their feud, and the way she handles this line of questioning is a choice for sure. Wow. She’s not going about this AT ALL in the right way. She’s been at the center of too much drama, and when Peter asks to hear her side of things she should have just said “let’s focus on us and not the drama,” but instead she’s out here name dropping her company and talking about MyKenna’s hashtags. Not a good look, sweetie.
WHAT. PETER IS SENDING TAMMY HOME?? He tells MyKenna that he’s keeping her because he trusts her, but I trust her about as far as I could throw her.
The Rose Ceremony
So was the 2-on-1 just a pregame to the rose ceremony? Because I’m confused. We immediately move from Tammy’s elimination into a rose ceremony cocktail party. The girls are relieved that Tammy is gone, but also extremely nervous because now they’ve lost their scapegoat for the evening. They’ll just have to rely on their personalities or something to make it through to the next round. Lol good luck ladies!!
As Peter starts handing out roses, I’m really not sure who is going home tonight. I feel like it might be the end of the road for Natasha and MyKenna, but then why not eliminate MyKenna 30 minutes ago and call it a day? I 100% do not think he’s into Natasha at all. He says he wants an age-appropriate woman, but Peter strikes me as the kind of guy who still whispers the words “over thirty” when he talks about a person’s age in a group setting.
In a truly SHOCKING twist, Peter gives his final rose to Kelley, which means Sydney and MyKenna are both going home tonight.
Sydney’s parting words were “I enjoyed this,” and I just snorted into my wine glass. That is the same response I gave when my boss asked me to rate the last company happy hour she planned at Applebee’s.
And that’s all I have for you hoes! After two nights and five hours of Bachelor footage, I physically, emotionally, and spiritually cannot take any more of it. Do you hear me, ABC?? I’M CRYING UNCLE!! Until next week! Adios, bitchachos!
For more on The Bachelor, check out the first episode of Betchelor Center:
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