We’re just a few short days away from the premiere of Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor. Thank god, I was starting to get a little too productive on Monday nights. Get your wine and yoga pants ready, because the contestants have been announced (are three flight attendants really necessary?), the bar has been set high, and we’re ready for our annual Bachelor hiatus to end. I, for one, always love to see what new and inventive terms the contestants will come up with to mean “aspiring influencer”. (“Content creator”, anyone?) So, in anticipation of the new season, we’ve rounded up the craziest job titles from the past few seasons.

Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast

Season: Ben Higgins

When it comes to Tiara, I just need more details. What kind of chicken? Does she prefer nuggets or tenders? Is she a breast or a leg girl? Has she tried the Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich? And if not, can she even call herself an enthusiast? Does she, too, want a man to get her Chick-fil-A on Sunday like that contestant on Pilot Pete’s season? This job title leaves me wanting more, and I feel like it’s my journalistic duty to interview her and get all the facts about how enthusiastic she is about her love of chicken.

Daniel, Canadian

Season: JoJo Fletcher

Okay, I’m curious what exactly a professional Canadian does. I imagine they say “eh” a lot, play hockey, eat Canadian bacon, and love Justin Bieber, Drake, and Ryan Gosling. But if you have any other hypotheses about what it means to represent the entire country of Canada as your profession, without being the Prime Minister, please let me know your thoughts. 

Heather, Never Been Kissed

Season: Colton Underwood

This is a lie, I’m sorry. Heather, there is no way you HAVEN’T ever been kissed. She just wanted to top the virgin on the show and this was the next best thing. Or maybe she thought she was supposed to write down her favorite movie instead of her job? Either way, I’m not f*cking buying it.

James, Bachelor Superfan

Season: JoJo Fletcher

This was genius and I want to shake James S.’s hand and thank him. I can almost hear the gleeful screeches from groups of women at watch parties declaring him their dream man. An attractive single male who loves The Bachelor and can help me with my fantasy bracket? WHERE CAN I SIGN UP? Whatever happened to this guy anyway? Can we get eyes on James S. ASAP?

Alexis, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

Season: Nick Viall

I, too, love dolphins and definitely wrote down “dolphin trainer” in elementary school as what I wanted to be when I grow up. But that was elementary school, and not on national television. And I can’t help but feel like I need an update on the status of Alexis’s aspirations. Going on The Bachelor brought her nowhere closer to achieving that dream—probably further from it, to be honest, since we realized she can’t even tell a dolphin from a shark. But she does have her line of hoop earrings, so she has something, even if that something is not dolphins.

Tony, Healer

Season: Kaitlyn Bristowe

WTF does this even mean? Is Tony a “doctor” that focuses on natural remedies? Is he a therapist? Is he just like my manipulative ex-boyfriend who claimed he was a “spiritual healer” which actually just meant he would bully people until they broke down so he could build them back up? Whatever the case may be, Tony definitely sounds like he did a lot of drugs at Burning Man and just declared himself a professional healer in the middle of the Nevada desert. He kinda looks like he just escaped a fire, so maybe he should use some of that magical energy on himself. Has he ever actually healed anyone? Also, what insurance does he take? Inquiring minds need to know.

Rachel, Unemployed

Season: Ben Higgins

Honestly, props to this girl for being honest. She’s not trying to make us believe she’s anything other than what she is. Look, the girl is 23, of course she’s unemployed. These people who come on here at age 22 and say they own a business are just liars. I guess this was before we could all just call ourselves influencers, so good for her. Respect, Rachel!

Jonathan, Tickle Monster

Season: Rachel Lindsay

Yeahhh, “tickle monster” sounds like a bootleg Sesame Street character, not a profession for a 31-year-old man. Jonathan is like that lingering guy at the bar who does not get the hint when you tell him you “have a boyfriend” that it means you’re not interested, forcing you and your friends to move to the other side of the bar. If an adult man ever tried to tickle me, I would call the cops, and that’s not an exaggeration.

Lucy, Free Spirit

Season: Juan Pablo Galavis

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel like people who are actually free spirits don’t declare themselves as such. It’s kind of like calling yourself a hipster. Lucy probably just did acid at Coachella one time while wearing a flower crown, and here we are. I’d love to see her these days, because I have a feeling she realized that she needs money to live, and has a boring job like the rest of us. Being a free spirit isn’t so cute when you can’t move out of your mom’s house.

Evan, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist

Season: JoJo Fletcher

Please always remember that before Evan married Carly and had two kids with her that he was an erectile dysfunction specialist. I mean, this is just incredible. He’s basically advertising his sexual abilities via his job title. Like, he literally specializes in guys not being able to perform, implying that he’s an expert in it, and I admire that. Even if it’s not true, which it probably isn’t, you’ve only got one shot on this thing (unless you’re Chris Bukowski) so why not lay it all out on the table? Of course, he still has his ED clinic, and has recently been in some legal hot water over making misleading claims.

Hayley & Emily, Twins

Season: Ben Higgins

I will say that even though “twins” is not a real job, Haley and Emily might just be the closest thing to professional twins this world has ever seen. I mean, they were a package duo even on Paradise, and even tried to have a spin-off show that just focused on them being completely incompetent at life. Most twins I know didn’t even want to attend the same college, so I guess I respect Haley and Emily leaning into their one strength.

Lucas, Whaboom

Season: Rachel Lindsay

Lucas, your dumb little catchphrase was an embarrassingly overt attempt to make sure you got your 15 minutes. Now, I get that all of these people must want their 15 minutes, or else they would go on a dating app and not a reality TV show, but Lucas didn’t do it very deftly. Frankly, I’m annoyed that the producers even humored him by casting him at all. The fun of watching The Bachelor is pretending that all these people are there for the right reasons and not to become Instagram influencers, even when we know they’re all going to become influencers anyway.

Kelly, Dog Lover

Season: Juan Pablo Galavis

Honestly, I’m a huge dog lover, so this is my dream job. Although it’s not exactly clear how one could make a living off of loving dogs, because if you could, every single person on Instagram in 2019 would be a millionaire. Kelly, tell us your secret! We could solve world hunger! If I had to guess, I’d say Kelly walks dogs sometimes and maybe even started an Instagram for her parents’ dog, and it has 700 followers to date. Chase those dreams, girl!

Kamil, Social Media Participant

Season: Becca Kufrin

Kamil, I hate to break it to you, but we’re ALL social media participants. You might as well have put “human man” as your job title. He is definitely the guy who has a passion for starting Twitter wars with strangers on the internet. Or maybe he was just getting a head start on his post-Bachelorette career, which doesn’t appear to have worked out too well for him. 

I honestly don’t even understand the point of giving the contestants job titles at all, considering half of them are fake and all of them just want to shill weight loss tea. But at least it gives us entertainment and extra fuel for our roasts.

Images: ABC (15)

While a lot of us (Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet and It’s Britney, Betch) are saying a prayer of thanks that Mike Fleiss has finally granted us reprieve from six hours of reality television every week, others (me, Brett Vergara) are still reeling from the revelation that Peter will be the next Bachelor. Now, don’t get me wrong, on any other season, Peter would have been a great choice. I’m glad they didn’t pull some bullsh*t and revive some random dude from the dead (or, in Bachelor terms, five years ago). And, to be clear, Peter is a fine choice for Bachelor. He made it to the top three on Hannah’s season, and he seems like a perfectly nice guy. But notice the lack of enthusiasm here? That’s because I, like many people, were hoping against all hope that this would be the year that ABC would finally do something different. That they’d choose a Bachelor who wasn’t the human incarnation of mayonnaise on Wonder Bread. And this time, it actually seemed likely! I was fighting a losing battle last year, hoping they’d choose Wills for Bachelor. But this year, we had Mike Johnson. We had Mike’s smile. We had Mike calling women queens. It seemed that our dreams of having a diverse Bachelor may finally become reality. And then they didn’t. Now, Mike Johnson is finally speaking out about getting passed over for the Bachelor gig, on Bachelor Happy Hour with Rachel & Ali, Rachel Lindsay and Ali Fedotowsky’s podcast.

Rachel first asks Mike if he was, in fact, in talks to be the next Bachelor, or if we all just wildly projected. He answered, “I was 100% in talks to be the next Bachelor.” So that settles that—ABC was considering switching it up, and ultimately decided not to. I think I speak for all of us when I say: Y tho???

He added, “people probably didn’t think I was considered to be the Bachelor because I was trying to be so respectful of the crew at Bachelor world and I didn’t want to speak about it.” He then explained that Peter didn’t do interviews after The Bachelorette, so he didn’t have to answer questions about being the next Bachelor all the time. Mike then goes on to say that he definitely wanted the gig. “I 100% wanted to be the Bachelor,” he said. “Reasons being: One, I do want to find a wife. Two, it was bigger than me and I wanted to represent for all people of color. And then, also, talking about people of color, they need to have an Asian Bachelor, they need to have an Indian Bachelor. They need to have other people outside of just black and white. And so I want to speak on that as well.” Ugh, I stan a woke king. Remind me why they didn’t choose this guy again?! This is a crime against humanity.

So Mike affirms that he definitely did audition to be the Bachelor, and he wanted it, but he ultimately wasn’t chosen. And he kind of found out in the crappiest way possible: on TV, like the rest of us. “I found out in the trailers, before you do on the Bachelor in Paradise reunion,” he said. Damn, they couldn’t have given him a phone call? He admitted, “When I first found out, I’m not gonna lie, I was sad. I was annoyed when I very first found out. But then by the end of the night, I wasn’t annoyed no more because I was appreciative and thankful that they told me no right then and there because now I could focus on myself and I’m just blessed because I know I’m gonna find my wife and find my claim.” Well, that’s a lot more graceful than I would be. Personally I would have probably followed through on my many threats to burn down ABC. One of these days, I’m going to do it for real!!

Obviously, Mike had some opinions on why they chose Peter instead—but they are annoyingly vague. He said, “ultimately, it just came down to, they chose the right person for what they want.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? Is “what they want” to placate middle America types who can’t handle seeing a non-white person on their television? Please, I need more information.

But we all know now that you can’t always get what you want (if what you want is diversity in Bachelor Nation). And now it doesn’t really matter, because Mike is seeing Demi Lovato. And of course Rachel asked about it (doing the Lord’s work). He admitted he and Demi have met in person “more than one time”. What does that mean!! Stop being coy! The people demand it.

He gushed over Demi, saying, “I think she’s amazing. She’s incredibly humble.” He added, “When Demi and I are together, it’s laughter and we talk about real sh*t. Like, she’s a down-to-earth woman and I respect it so much. And she’s just a really humble, really cool, really fun, down-to-earth person.”

Cool, cool, cool. I don’t know why I’m crying in the club at my desk right now. Next, Rachel asked what we’ve all been thinking ever since Mike posted that thirsty comment on Demi’s Insta: “What is the status of your relationship with Demi Lovato?” Here’s what Mike said:

“My status of the relationship with Demi and I are that we are two people exploring each other.”

Oooookayyyy, seriously? “Two people exploring each other” sounds like what you’d say about the person who taught you how to give a blow job as a teenager at summer camp. But, okay fine, it makes sense that Mike wouldn’t say he and Demi dating or anything, considering it’s been, like, two weeks since they have been in contact (that we know of).

SO this interview basically reaffirmed to me that Mike would have been a great Bachelor, but that we do not deserve him. And Peter will be cool I guess. It could have been worse—they could have chosen Blake. Listen to the full interview with Mike Johnson here.

What’s worse than having ex-in-laws that you can’t stand? Having ex-in-laws that drag you to f*cking filth on Instagram when it’s announced that you’re going to be on national TV! That’s the case for one of Peter’s new Bachelor hopefuls, Jade Gilliland. Or, as you may know her, Jade M., since her married name is Jade McCrary. Yikes. Apparently Jade was married up until four months ago, when she and her husband divorced, which apparently was not amicable. I say that the divorce must not have been amicable because Jade’s ex-husband’s sister dragged her on Instagram.

According to screen grabs of her Insta stories, originally obtained by Reality Steve, the slighted sister-in-law dropped a few nuggets of information that honestly… are not at all surprising for a Bachelor contestant. The screenshot is below, but if you want to save your eyesight from trying to read the Declaration of Independence this woman wrote, the main points are that Jade left her husband, citing the loss of her twenties as her reason (which personally I think is like… a great reason to leave your husband?). She also says that Jade is a failed fashion blogger who quit blogging because she didn’t get enough followers—which I sadly also understand! So far I’m kind of team Jade!

The next slide shows Jade in Las Vegas with a man in a bowtie grabbing her ass, with another long caption about how Jade would lie about staying at friends’ houses on multiple occasions, and this one time she was actually in Vegas. She instructs us to look at the time stamp (which doesn’t appear to be there), noting the picture was taken on December 6th, 2018 when Jade was, in fact, still married. The sister-in-law also uses a fun mix of gifs, including a gagged Will Smith and a Chris Harrison “they’re not here for the right reasons.” Lol.

The slide heavily suggests that Jade was cheating on her then-husband, although I don’t know how many people cheating on their spouses will happily pose for photos that they then post on social media. Then again, I guess social media is how a lot of cheaters get caught nowadays. I don’t know, I haven’t been caught cheating on my husband…yet!

Here’s my take on the whole situation: Jade was married, decided she didn’t want to be married and got divorced, and then applied for the show. Who f*cking cares? If she was officially divorced four months ago, she must have separated from her husband before that, and surely the sister-in-law of the heartbroken husband is not going to be objective. Do I blame her for posting these on her Insta story? No, absolutely not! I would do the same thing if I was the relative of someone who got left for Pilot Pete. In fact, I would probably go further and bleach their clothes, burn their house down, and send screenshots of their dirty texts to TMZ! But the thing about me is that I’m insane. I don’t even like bumping into my friend’s ex-husband walking down the street, so I can’t imagine what it would be like to see him on TV making out with someone during primetime. I don’t fault the sister-in-law, but I certainly don’t fault Jade.

So while I understand why the sister-in-law might be salty, I don’t feel like this is the Jed-like situation that the ex’s family is trying to make it seem like. Jade’s family is sticking up for her, for what it’s worth. In the Facebook post announcing her casting on The Bachelor, a woman who appears to be Jade’s aunt wrote, “This is my niece!! She is beautiful inside and out! She is a Wonderful, kind, smart , hard working and Any guy would be so Lucky and blessed to be in her life! Can’t wait to watch this beauty!!!” That’s sweet. She followed that up in a later comment referencing this current drama with, “I know!! It’s so annoying that people feel like they can say anything negative when they have never even met her. And no one knows the intricacies of a marriage except those two people. So people just need to get a life? but Yes!! I’m so happy for her!” Dare I say… we don’t know enough about this situation to rush to judgment? Maybe this will become a major storyline on The Bachelor. Or maybe Jade will only make it to night one and we’ll never speak of it again. Point is, I’m not going to blast this woman for… *checks notes* getting a divorce in 2019.

If you’re in a marriage and you’re unhappy, why in the world should you stick around just to please other people? Get out when you know it’s wrong, because it’s only going to get harder with time. Do I think Jade’s going to find love on The Bachelor just four months after getting divorced? No, probably not. Maybe her happiness lies in a fashion blog that will now be popular because The Bachelor has clearly become a stepping stone to getting paid to promote FabFitFun boxes! Maybe she and Peter will be happily married this time next year, or maybe she’ll end up dating Gigi Hadid! The point is, let the bitch do whatever she wants, and call me when you have real tea to spill.

Images: Reality Steve

After weeks of speculation, ABC revealed last night on the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise that Peter Weber, the lovable pilot from Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette, will be the new Bachelor. My reaction resembled that of my parents when I failed my driver’s test by backing into a pole while parallel parking in my instructor’s car: not mad, just bewildered disappointed. After shocking many loyal viewers by choosing Hannah as the Bachelorette, I was hoping the bigwigs at ABC would pull something similar with this year’s Bachelor. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to quit their addiction to mediocre men and went with the safe choice, once again shying away from a lead that might spike controversy or (heaven forbid) a cultural conversation.

He’s Slightly Sketchy

Peter caught some flak this summer when it was revealed by his ex-girlfriend that he dumped her shortly before Christmas, presumably because he found out that he’d been cast as a contestant on The Bachelorette. Opinions differ as to whether the show had anything to do with the breakup, but Peter himself has insisted that his casting occurred months after he parted ways with his ex. Even if we suspend all disbelief and take him at his word, his characterization of the breakup in the People interview is not consistent with the one he gave us on The Bachelorette, particularly during his hometown date, where his parents and brother recounted his most recent heartbreak in a way that gave me Blake-crying-on-his-mommy’s-shoulder vibes. While breakups are usually sad for both parties, the dumper does not usually come away disillusioned at the prospect of finding someone to love again, hence the dumping. We can all agree that Peter’s transgressions pale in comparison to those of dog food jingle lyricist Jed, but he’s not quite the wounded bird he’d like us to think he is either.

He’s Safe

One important detail Chris Harrison forgot to announce last night when naming Peter as the Bachelor is that he’s already been The Bachelor. It was four years ago, his hair was darker, and his name was Ben Higgins. In all seriousness, it’s pretty clear that ABC is trying to recreate the ratings magic they had with nice guy Ben by bringing in a shiny new version. To be fair, there is nothing objectively wrong with either Ben or Peter. They’re both mild-mannered, sensitive and steadfast guys. The problem is that their best qualities are the same ones that come to mind when looking to purchase a family minivan. While comfort, reliability and safety are wonderful, I’m not really attracted to a Chrysler Pacifica. In light of recent events I knew we wouldn’t get my first choice Tyler, but I still can’t help but feel that ABC isn’t sending their best. We need a man with an edge and/or some undeniable sex appeal, and someone that still lives at home with his parents isn’t it, no matter how many condoms he has in his center console.

He’s (Yet Another) White Guy

It’s no secret that the Bachelor franchise has a race problem, but it’s a fact that bears repeating. In the more than 17 (!) years that this sh*tshow has been in the cultural zeitgeist, we have had one black female lead and no black male lead. It’s. Time. One could argue that we’ve had several great candidates in years past, especially when we see what passes muster to lead this dumpster fire year after year, but it’s pretty hard to deny that Mike Johnson from this year’s season of The Bachelorette would have been an excellent choice. Kind, charming, successful, smart and handsome, Mike was and is the full package (and Demi Lovato agrees, so don’t @ me). For all those who say he was “boring” on Bachelor in Paradise, kindly refer to my previous paragraph.

Even if Mike was boring on Paradise, I’m not totally convinced that his brief stint on the spin-off was the right litmus test. Mike doesn’t really exude f*ckboy like the Deans and Blakes of the franchise, so it’s possible he simply was not in his element arriving late into a situation where no one but the most boring and phony people were left (you know who you are). It’s true that ABC seriously botched the season with its first black Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, but refusing to engage in the issue at all kills any hope for future progress in dealing with race competently and compassionately. If they can handle a same-sex couple with grace, can’t they work towards doing the same with its contestants of color?

By choosing Peter, the franchise is making a conscious choice to remain stale. It’s not the wisest move for a show that’s been airing for so long that nearly every contestant has learned the rules and is out for fame. If ABC can’t find a dynamic and compelling lead from its usual crop of last year’s rejects, why not flush the format and let art imitate life by casting an actual celebrity? Not only do we reclaim the premise of an aspirational lead that the show was founded on, the contestants’ famewhoring can be repurposed and encouraged as a key element of the entertainment instead of an undesirable byproduct that must not be acknowledged. Until ABC hires me to consult on strategy (call me!), all I can do is hope to be pleasantly surprised with Peter, like I was with Hannah. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and watch, but if I see even the shadow of a windmill, I’m out.

Images: ABC; Giphy (3)