The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Finale Part 2

Presented by Skinnypop

Welcome back to my own personal hellscape night two of The Bachelor season finale! Last night was a whirlwind of emotions—and I’m not just talking about Barb’s religious experience after downing a bottle of pinot. Peter started out the episode with two hot, semi-legal brunettes to choose from, but by the end of the two hours, Madison had tapped out completely and left Peter to cry softly into his sparkling cider. I’m not sure what scared her away more: Peter’s family trying to explain the male g-spot to her over omelets or finding out or that Peter is apparently the dancing queen over at the local discoteca. It’s a real toss-up. 

Which brings us to tonight: Hannah Ann is the last woman standing and Peter seems about as excited about it as someone who is about to undergo a colonoscopy in the morning. At one point he even tells Hannah Ann that despite incorporating a reenactment of The Titanic into their foreplay during the fantasy suites, their tepid night together just isn’t going to cut it; he’s also in love with Madison. 

But before we get into that, ABC brings us back to the live taping, where Chris Harrison makes a point to acknowledge Kelley in the crowd. I’m sorry, but WHAT. ABC has to be trolling us because the internet thinks they end up together… right? RIGHT?! Whatever the case, I’m just glad ABC finally let Kelley out of her cage. Happy for you, girl!

Meanwhile, back in Australia, Peter is desperately trying to talk himself and Neil Lane into this proposal. He’s like “I love her! I think. Probably. YES! I love her! I do!”

NEIL LANE, PROBABLY:

Peter, buddy, I mean this with love, but you sound unhinged.

Okay, is that Hannah Ann’s proposal dress?? At first I thought that was just a very fashion-forward robe over some bridal lingerie, but that’s the whole look? That’s it?! 

Though Hannah Ann went through the process of getting dressed and getting full glam, she declares that she’s emotionally drained and doesn’t feel like going to the rose ceremony before collapsing on her bed. These are things I say at 8:01 every morning when I debate if I actually need my day job to clothe and feed my dog. These are not things you should say right before you’re supposed to get engaged!!

Hannah Ann

Peter is down at the proposal spot, dressed in a dashing blue suit that I’m sure Barb picked out for him while stroking his hair and holding him at gunpoint until he agreed to marry Hannah Ann in the first place. He’s playing “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat in his right now, when Chris Harrison tells him that he isn’t sure Hannah Ann is coming to the rose ceremony anymore. HAHAHA. Guys, I just almost peed myself. This is priceless. I can’t. Also, I can’t say that I’m really surprised. This is what happens when you pick a woman so young they haven’t had to commit to a rental car yet, let alone a lifetime with one man. 

In the end, Hannah Ann decides to show up to her own engagement. She heard there would be free booze, after all. Do we feel like maybe Chris Harrison only told Peter that to drum up a little extra drama to this otherwise boring engagement? Maybe she was running a little late, Chris? Did you ever think about that!!

Chris is like “welcome, Hannah Ann, what great timing you have” and it’s like, yeah Peter was only about to throw himself off a bridge, but good that you made it!

You can tell Hannah Ann is fully prepared to get dumped today. She’s looking at him like she’d like him to hurry up please, boarding for her flight starts in an hour. To be fair, he hasn’t told her that Madison left yet and that he literally has no other options, save that rabid kangaroo in the background. 

Peter starts off his proposal strong by saying Madison’s name first. Oof. Peter! Her name is Hannah Ann, repeat after me.

God this proposal is the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He’s like “well, Madison left, and you already let me put it in, so… you’re in I guess!” Wow. Swoon. 

Back To The Real World

After the proposal, Peter arrives back in L.A. where his first stop is to his parents’ house so he can deliver the news of his engagement. He’s like, “I listened to every word you said, but then Madison left anyways so it didn’t really matter in the end!” Yes, that’s accurate. 

Guys, Barb’s reaction to finding out Peter chose Hannah Ann is about as healthy as my reaction was when I found out the Sprouse twins had opened a meadery in Williamsburg. I think she may have just ruptured my eardrum with those shrieks. 

barb

A month later Hannah Ann and Peter are finally reunited for the first time since Australia. Now that his parents aren’t in the room and he finally got accepted on Raya, he doesn’t seem as excited to be engaged. I’m very confused by what is happening on my television screen rn. Is he braking up with her? Peter has Hannah Ann physically draped over his body like the blanket his abuela knit him for Christmas last year, but then tells her he isn’t sure if he still loves her.

HANNAH ANN: I would stand by you even if it kills me

Kills you, Hannah Ann? This is killing ME. ABC has only been slowly eeking the life force out of me for the last 10 weeks, while you just learned that “finasco” is not a real word yesterday. But, sure, tell me all about how this process has been killing you. 

Peter keeps talking about how he’s been “battling” with everything over this past month and it’s like, dude, you’re not trying to bring peace to the Middle East, you’re just trying to feel less guilty about jacking off to Madison in the shower whilst being engaged to Hannah Ann. It’s not that serious.

I think it’s clear at this point that Peter is probably going to dump Hannah Ann, and she is not having it. She may have forgotten to shower for the last six days and had her dry shampoo taken at customs, but she WILL still have her dignity. 

HANNAH ANN: How could you? You took away my first engagement.
YOU TOOK AWAY MY FIRST ENGAGEMENT. If I ever get proposed to, I’m going to refer to it as “my first engagement” to keep my fiancé in his place.

Hannah Ann tells Peter that she’s been patient with him, she’s had faith in him, she’s stood by him, and he’s about to ruin her first engagement by dumping her a month later. I would lead troops to battle with this speech to rally behind. GO OFF, Hannah Ann. 

I will say the cameraman capturing Barb’s facial expressions as she watches this entire scene play out at the live taping, is the true hero here. You, sir, deserve a medal. 

Meanwhile, things aren’t going too well with Peter and Hannah Ann. You can tell he was hoping she wouldn’t put up much of a fight. He watched how Arie dumped Becca and all Becca did was cry in the corner! He shouldn’t have dumped a 23-year-old, though. She’s got more energy in one of her hair follicles than I have in my entire body, and the only time a man has ever disappointed her was when her Starbucks barista forgot to make her order a skinny. Watch out, Peter, she’s coming for your ass. 

HANNAH ANN: Hannah Ann Finale

I SAID YES AND I GET THIS. And then she waves the motherf*cking ring in his face!!! Guys, watching a former Chi Omega social chair roast a grown man over the flame of her ever burning hatred is putting YEARS back on my life. I have more energy, my skin feels clearer, my hair seems shinier. This is the America I want to live in. 

PETER: *breathes*
THE LIVE AUDIENCE:shame game of thrones

Hannah Ann flings the ring at Peter’s face and BARB CLAPS IN THE AUDIENCE. Why do I feel like Peter is no longer invited to his own family holidays? You can practically feel Barb’s hatred for her own son through the TV screen. She’s so pissed, I love it. You know this warranted a spanking when he got home.

leave Hannah Ann

“LEAVE.” THE HAND. I’M UNWELL. 

Give that girl an Oscar because I have been thoroughly entertained. I didn’t think Hannah Ann had any of this in her, but damn. I’m impressed. 

Hannah Ann Confronts Peter

In real time, Chris Harrison brings Hannah Ann out to the stage to finish skinning Peter alive with her words. He’s like “Peter, I know we just watched your entire life blow up, but what’s one more grenade to your happiness?” What’s one more grenade, indeed, Chris.

I know I’ve been ragging on Hannah Ann since literally day one, but I’m truly impressed with how she’s carried herself throughout this entire ordeal. I’m not sure if her agent is in the audience holding up cue cards with these zinger comebacks or what, but she is absolutely slaying this conversation right now. 

PETER: *makes direct eye contact one time*
HANNAH ANN: 

how dare you

THAT’S CALLED BEING BLINDSIDED, PETER. Hannah Ann continues to fillet what’s left of Peter’s dignity in front of a live studio audience, and I’m living for this. I wish I could say that I feel bad for him even a little bit, but I don’t. When Hannah Ann said “I would defend you until it kills me” that’s kind of how I used to feel about Peter before watching this episode. Did he seem a little spineless to me throughout the season? You bet. But what man isn’t spineless? I genuinely thought he did a decent job of being the Bachelor and I was rooting for him—head wound and all!—throughout this entire season, but this is the first time I’m truly disappointed in him. He strung this girl along to pad his ego because he was feeling insecure after Madison left. Disgusting. 

Chris Harrison gives Hannah Ann the final word, and boy, does she use it to her advantage. She tells Peter that if he wants to be with a woman then he needs to be a real man first and I. Am. SCREAMING.

Hannah Ann has ignited something in me this episode and I’m ready to round up all the men and burn them at the stake for their stupidity. Where you lead I will follow, bitch!

What About Madison Tho?

Now that Peter has been emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure, Chris Harrison drops one more bomb on him: he went to visit Madison in Alabama a few weeks ago. Just casual! Nbd! Meanwhile, Peter looks like he’s about to soil himself on this stage if he gets one more surprise. 

ABC starts rolling the footage from that visit and we get to watch Chris Harrison doing what he does best: being a messy bitch who lives for drama. The gleeful expression on his face as he trespasses on Madison’s front lawn is priceless.

Okay, Madison, if I didn’t hate you before, I certainly do now after that little “I couldn’t eat for weeks” comment. We get it, you’re tiny! STOP BRAGGING. 

She says that she made a mistake and if she could do things over again she wouldn’t have made the same choices. This earns her a disgusted eye roll from Peter’s mom in the audience. Again, I say, that camera man is doing the lord’s work. Bless you, sir.

Chris fills Madi in on what’s been happening since she left The Bachelor. He tells her Peter did get engaged to Hannah Ann, but waits until Madi’s entire face crumples before telling her that Peter broke off said engagement two weeks later. This is what we call burying the lede, Chris! On the bright side, I think I now know the secret ingredient to Chris’s youthful skin: just a dab of the pain and misery of others. Really gives him that glow-and-get-‘em skin. 

CHRIS HARRISON: Peter said it’s his dream to be engaged to you. 

Wow, okay, Chris is really taking some liberties here because that’s not exactly what Peter said. I think what Peter actually said was something along the lines of, “I wish she was still here but I guess I’ll marry Hannah Ann instead.” But, sure, the dream thing too. 

And just like that, Madi is heading off to L.A. to go get her Pachi! So, let me get this straight: she was so hurt by Peter sleeping with other women that she left the show because it didn’t sit right with her faith, but it’s cool that in the eyes of the lord he was ENGAGED to another woman before her? Cool, cool. 

When Madi shows up in L.A. you can tell Peter is absolutely shocked to see her there. Not only did Madison have to sneak away from Chad and her youth group in the dead of night, but she also had to get past Peter’s front door without Barb seeing it on the door cam and calling the cops. That’s dedication. 

Madison tells Peter that she hoped her feelings for him would go away, but Chris Harrison actually wouldn’t let that be possible. That’s sweet. I hope when they tell this story to their kids they don’t gloss over this manipulation part of it. 

CHRIS HARRISON: Do you still love Madison?
PETER: ….yeah

So I guess their love story is going to consist of a series of half-hearted “yeahs”. Cool, cool. 

With that ringing endorsement, Chris brings Madison out onto the stage. All Madison has to do is breathe and Barb is already heavily sighing and mouthing “I can’t” to her shame-face husband. God, I love Barb. She kills me. 

Wait, so they haven’t seen each other since that day in L.A.? You’re telling me that this is the first time they’ve been in the same room since that last lingering forehead touch? Absolutely nothing has been resolved here? WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW I SWEAR TO GOD.

Chris asks what the next step is for the two of them and I don’t miss the look Peter sends his mother before answering. Listen, he can’t just make that decision on the spot, Chris! He has to run it by his mommy first, okay?

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I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing

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Speaking of which, Chris Harrison gives Barb the floor and I can’t wait for her pour some olive oil on Madison and emotionally sautee her in front of a live studio audience. She says that she’s been getting a lot of love in her DMs, and I believe it. I’m a fan. I’d like to bottle up those passive-aggressive eyerolls and keep them in my pocket for a rainy day.

According to Barb, ABC left out some key footage from Madison and Peter’s family date in Australia. Apparently, Madison made them wait three hours before she would come into the house, presumably so she could slut-shame their son on the front lawn. When she finally did come into the house, she told Barb that she wouldn’t marry her son. Damnnnnn, Barbra. You’re not holding back any punches tonight, are you?

Look, do I think Madison is to blame for all of this? Not really. I’m sure production played a role here, especially with that three hour wait thing. But I do think Barb is touching on some thoughts I’ve had throughout this season about Madison being a bit more two-faced than she lets on. From day one she’s been manipulating Peter and withholding key information about herself. She downplayed her faith and virginity to him at every turn, and then used it against him when she didn’t get her way. Barb may be a little unhinged, but at least she’s a perceptive psycho. 

Also, it’s clear this is never going to work between the two of them. Barb HATES Madison with the fire of a thousand suns and there’s no way in hell Peter is going to be able to mediate this relationship for the rest of his goddamn life. He’s struggling right now, and he has ABC holding up helpful cue cards from the audience!

I will say Madison gets props for holding her own against Barb in ABC’s gladiator arena live studio. She says she was “undeniably myself” throughout this entire experience, and if by that she means “someone who is rude and late” then I think Barb might agree with her there.

Chris tries to wrap things up but Barb just keeps sh*tting on Madison from the sidelines. I love this so much. Meanwhile, Peter’s dad is trying not to make any sudden movements lest she turn on him too.

CHRIS HARRISON: Well, you two will figure it out, right mom?
BARB:

Barb Bachelor

YOU HAVE TO FAIL TO SUCCEED. What does that even mean! Here Madi is thinking she and Peter are about to ride off into the sunset together and Barbra just put some sort of witch’s curse on the two of them to doom their happiness for generations to come. 

And that’s a wrap for the season, kids! In terms of finales, this one was a wild ride. I laughed, I cried, I peed myself just a little. Good times. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be here replaying Barb’s facial expressions on loop until The Bachelorette starts back up again. Until then!

Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (8); @barstoolria /Twitter (2);  @bacheloring /Instagram (1)

Chris Harrison Just Admitted Why The Women Roomed Together During Fantasy Suites

Last night’s episode of The Bachelor had everything: steamy shower makeouts, long-winded conversations about virginity, and for the first time in Bachelor history, all three women forced to share a room during Fantasy Suites week. This provided prime opportunities for drama between the ladies, but I had to wonder, why did the producers put them through this? Was the budget running low for this season? Was the hotel all booked up? Making them live together while they took turns sleeping with Peter kind of seemed like cruel and unusual punishment, and it turns out the producers knew exactly what they were doing.

Chris Harrison was a the guest on this week’s episode of Rachel Lindsay and Becca Kufrin’s Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, and he explained why this decision was made. Chris explained that Peter had a tough time making decisions on the show (duh), and said that at this point in the season, both he and Madison had “kicked the can down the road.” Essentially, Peter couldn’t force himself to get rid of Victoria F despite all the red flags in the world, and Madison waited until the 11th hour to reveal that she had some major dealbreakers, so it was time for some outside assistance.

And that’s where the producers worked their shady magic. When it came to the Fantasy Suites living situation, Chris said, “there are things that we do as producers that will force you into this uncomfortable zone and force you into making a decision.” This specific choice was made “to force a situation that had to happen, and it had to happen this week because, if we get to proposal week, then this guy is really screwed and there’s no chance this works.”

Personally, after this mess of a season, I feel like there’s very little chance that this works regardless, but hey, I guess they had to try something. If you got lost in that word salad, I don’t blame you. Basically, he’s talking about Madison’s virginity ultimatum situation, and how putting the women together forced the women to talk about their intimacy with Peter. After being stuck with Victoria and Hannah Ann during Fantasy Suite week, Madison couldn’t pretend that Peter was just gonna keep it in his pants until he married her. Without this push, Peter and Madison’s date might not gotten to the vulnerable place it did, and then this sh*t would have been even more of a mess come proposal time.

I’m not sure I love the amount of times Chris Harrison used the word “force”, in the span of like, two sentences, but I’m also not naive enough to think that these producers really care about anything other than ending up with compelling footage. What’s really interesting about this is that Chris Harrison is basically admitting that The Bachelor producers will do whatever they need to do to emotionally manipulate their cast and get them to do what they want on camera. Really, we’ve always known this, but hearing Chris say it feels strange, like breaking the fourth wall or seeing your teacher outside of school or something.

Chris went on about the specifics of this scenario, saying that “We needed Madison to face Victoria and Hannah Ann and have them express their emotions on this,” and that they didn’t want us to just see Peter’s perspective of dealing with Madison’s views and her ultimatum. This was actually really smart, because it makes the dynamic so much more complex, rather than just watching two hours of Peter being like “uhhh who should I have sex with?” I don’t think any of these women are geniuses or anything, but it’s kind of cool to see them working through an issue that’s a little more real than a champagne bottle finasco.

However you feel about this season of The Bachelor, this might have been one of the few choices that actually worked well, and made the season more interesting. Now that we’re headed into proposal week, we’ll see if this actually helps Peter stop ~kicking the can down the road~ and get any more clarity on what he should do, but I’m not terribly hopeful. I just think this season isn’t really meant to work out, but that’s okay, sh*t happens. At least we know that the producers are out here working harder than the devil to give us the drama we crave.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: This Is A Hostage Situation

Presented by SkinnyPop

Welcome back to the Betches’ Bachelor recap! We’re now on day two, hour four (OUT OF FIVE!!) of this hostage situation otherwise known as The Bachelor’s production schedule. At this point it feels like these episodes could be used as some sort of war-time torture method, because I would give up state secrets and the location of the last horcrux to not have to micro-analyze one more house disagreement over champagne. With that in mind, let’s just skip the BS and get right into the recap!

Monday night’s episode ended with Shiann dropping a major bombshell on Peter. After her elimination during the Costa Rica rose ceremony she let Peter know that—GASP!—some of the women are not there for the right reasons. I’m not sure what gave them away, Shiann—the fact that their bio line reads “swipe up and use code HannahAnn1” instead of  the standard “professional nanny” or “marketing manager,” or that literally every group date has been a modeling agent’s wet dream—but good on you for figuring it out, girl!

Peter seems equally unfazed by this revelation, as it’s not even addressed in the first few moments of the episode. Instead we learn that Peter and his ladies are headed off to Santiago, Chile for another week of living, laughing, and loving. Peter says that this week is about to get “hot and spicy,” and he says that with far too much confidence for a man who is sporting a bandaid the size of a maxi pad on his forehead rn.

Just… no. 

Hannah Ann’s One-On-One Date

Peter is feeling hopeful that by eliminating Lexi and Shiann, two girls who never started any drama in the house, last week, the remainder of his journey to find love will be smooth sailing. Lol k. He wants this to be more about the connections and less about refereeing fights over who uses alcohol to mask their pain and who just likes to get drunk and cry by the pool for perfectly reasonable reasons. He decides to test this theory out by asking Hannah Ann on the first one-on-one date of the week, and he does this right in front of the other girls as if Tammy isn’t going to set fire to everything Hannah Ann holds dear. 

Okay, I’m dying at these two speaking Spanish to each other as if the last time they spoke the language wasn’t during their high school Spanish class. I would LOVE to get a translator in here to see what they’re really saying to each other. I mean, Hannah Ann can’t even string a sentence together in English without completely butchering it. Please. 

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NEW EPISODE🎙 “The Lingery Finasco” — link in bio or betches.co/wordsarehard

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As they explore Santiago, we’re told that Hannah Ann is the “fun one” of the group, but I would like to see some more evidence of that. Is this because Peter rubbed food all over her face and she didn’t immediately murder him for it? Is that the baseline for having a personality these days? Because if so, I’ve got that in spades.

Peter brings up some concerns about Hannah Ann’s age, but I’m confused. Aren’t half the girls who are left still, like, a semester away from graduating college? Maybe don’t say you want a mature woman and then eliminate almost every girl who could tell you what a 401k is, hmm?

Peter asks if she’s ever been in love before, and the answer she gives is similar to the one I’ve used when a guy asks me if I’ve orgasmed after exactly two minutes of foreplay. She’s like “yes, definitely, OF COURSE. But also…”  Yes, Peter, you should be scared. 

PETER ON THIS DATE RN:

Peter brings up her age AGAIN during the dinner portion of the date, so I guess he’s really concerned about this. He’s like “so where do you see yourself in five years? Married? With kids?” and it’s like, crickets in the room. 

Honestly, I understand where Peter’s coming from here. He’s pushing 30 and she still thinks Comic Sans is a professional font. I don’t think any girl under the age of 26 should be on this show. If you’re still on your parents’ health insurance, then you’re too young to have exhausted all of your options for love. You just are! You don’t need this show. And Hannah Ann is what, 23? When I was her age, my most mature relationship was with the guy at Vito’s Pizza who wouldn’t charge me for a side of ranch if I showed him my bra strap. I certainly wasn’t ready for marriage, or kids, or a relationship with a guy who called me during daylight hours. 

She says something about “diving into the shallow waters of life,” and that’s the biggest indicator about her age, because I’m sure she stole that quote off of the Marilyn Monroe poster hanging on her bedroom wall. 

While Peter is having a tough time coming to terms with Hannah Ann’s age, you know what he isn’t having a tough time with? The back of her throat. Working out fundamental issues in your relationship by letting a guy dry hump you to completion in a back alley behind a restaurant is suuuuuch a 23-year-old way to handle the issue. But brava, Hannah Ann, because it works! He gives her the rose and I can’t wait to see what other sage words of wisdom she’ll be able to bring to their relationship, pulled straight from her Pinterest board. I’m thinking something along the lines of “beer before liquor, never been sicker,” but I guess only time will tell. 

The Group Date 

I love that ABC is like “what’s there to do in Chile? Telenovelas!” Yeah, that doesn’t feel problematic at all. For the group date, the girls will be acting out a telenovela, and you can tell some of them are going to need a translator here, because they’re giving far too many blank stares for a date where they’ll get the opportunity to be in front of a camera again. Perk up, MyKenna! Just think of what it will do for your brand!

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Who will win El Amor De Pedro? 🌹 #TheBachelor

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Okay, Kelley being cast as Peter’s grandma while the rest of the women get to be bored housewives or hot divorcées is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this show. 

KELLEY: At the end of the day I’m just going to say incest is best on this one.

Oh, Kelley. Remember three weeks ago when you didn’t want to participate in the pillow fight group date because it might make you look unprofessional, and now you’re making incest jokes on national television? What would your clients say if they could see you now?

I love that MyKenna thinks she relates most to the role of a maid as she dusts one of the tables with the wrong end. Sure, Jan.

MYKENNA ON THIS DATE RN:

Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Peter is like “wow you all are stunning, I’m so shocked you’re here for me. Seriously, why? Explain yourselves.” I would like to hear this too, Peter!

Is it just me or does it feel like Hot Victoria is hoping Peter sends her home tonight? I just can’t think of another explanation for why she came dressed like it’s the “hoes & CEOs” mixer at her sorority house. 

Okay, WAIT. Is PETER dumping HER?! If anything I thought she would see herself out. I’m truly shocked that he wouldn’t hold onto her until at least the Fantasy Suites. He tells her that he just doesn’t see her as his wife, and that’s shocking to hear considering the girls he has left in this game. Exhibit A:

Damn. I can’t believe she’s really leaving! Peter asks if he can walk her out and Hot Victoria physically recoils. She’s looking at him like girls with asses like hers do not get dumped by guys with faces like his, and she’s right. 

Elsewhere, Tammy refuses to learn her lesson about starting sh*t in the house. Since her attack on Kelsey didn’t go over so well, she’s set her sights on MyKenna and, honestly, I’m disappointed in her. MyKenna? Really? I get that she’s an easy target and all, but that feels a little too much like going for the low-hanging fruit—even for me! And that’s sort of my whole thing. 

Tammy asks MyKenna if she has any responsibilities outside of this show and it’s like, of course she doesn’t, sweetie. She has a blog that makes $2K a year in revenue and a daddy who thinks a viable excuse for her using the emergency Amex card is that she needed to buy new Yeezys for her Instagram’s vibe.  

Madison gets the group date rose, and it makes a lot of sense because she’s been playing this game like a PRO. I’ve barely seen her on my television screen this entire season, and that’s the way you want to play it. You don’t want to be involved in the drama (Tammy) and you don’t want to start off strong only to have your connection fizzle out later (Hot Victoria). Take it from Catherine Lowe—under the radar is exactly where you want to be. 

Victoria F’s One-On-One Date

Victoria F gets the second one-on-one date of the week and she starts on a good note, by reminding the good folks back home that one time she banged Chase Rice. Subtle. She’s like “I’m not sure if you remember but my ex-boyfriend, Chase Rice, really sabotaged my last one-on-one date even though I’m totally over him, and by ‘him’ I mean Chase Rice. Chase Rice as in the musician Chase Rice. Chase Rice.” Say crack Chase Rice one more time, Victoria! 

Also, I’m sure Chase Rice isn’t losing sleep at night when he’s watching you and Peter square dance on a horse farm, but please do go on. 

CHASE RICE: Do I still want Victoria?
PETER AND VICTORIA CURRENTLY:
CHASE RICE: Nah, I’m good. 

While the date starts out well (or however one would describe what my eyeballs witnessed on that dude ranch), Victoria F admits to Peter that she’s really struggling here. She’s so shy and timid and blah, blah, blah. God, I can’t with this whole insecure act anymore. Poor Victoria. But you know what? I’m sure a sudden photoshoot would turn that frown right around! She’s always talking about what a wallflower she is, and then the second there are cameras, an audience, or a chance to win Revolve’s spring line, she’s suddenly a social f*cking butterfly. Please.

Moving into the cocktail portion of the evening, Victoria F is still being the biggest Debbie Downer. You can tell Peter as at his wit’s end with her. She keeps saying how she doubts her relationship with him and it’s like, actually you’ve had more alone time with him than anyone. You’ve had two one-on-one dates and every rose ceremony you get to rub one out on each other. What more do you want from the man!?

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When in Chile #thebachelor #bachelornation 🌹✈️🥂

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I love how she’s like “this is the most I’ve ever tried with anyone!!!” as if Peter should be so grateful for this fact. I bet Chase Rice and his DMs would beg to differ. 

I will say, I appreciate how direct Peter is being with all of the girls this season. He’s outright asking about their intentions now, instead of waiting until the end of the line when his only option is to jump a fence. Usually when I’m on a date, my idea of being “direct” and “defining the relationship” is asking the guy to pass me a napkin, and then if he does it that’s confirmation enough that we’re exclusive and getting married soon, and somehow that just never works in my favor. It’s crazy.

PETER: No one has ever given me this much sh*t before and I think I might be… hard? Will you accept this rose?

Modern dating, ladies and gentlemen. 

The 2-On-1 Date: Tammy vs. MyKenna

Tbh, I was expecting more from the infamous 2-on-1 date. Tammy and MyKenna feel like a pretty random pairing for this. Sure, they had beef this episode, but otherwise we haven’t really seen them interact. What gives, ABC?

MyKenna launches into this very pretty speech about how she’s a strong-ass woman just living her truth, and it’s like, are you though?? I get the feeling she’s the kind of girl who thinks feminism looks like Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” music video, and she had to skip the Women’s March because brunch. 

Peter tells MyKenna and Tammy that he’s sick of both of their sh*t, and frankly that’s valid. He pulls Tammy aside first to get to the root of their feud, and the way she handles this line of questioning is a choice for sure. Wow. She’s not going about this AT ALL in the right way. She’s been at the center of too much drama, and when Peter asks to hear her side of things she should have just said “let’s focus on us and not the drama,” but instead she’s out here name dropping her company and talking about MyKenna’s hashtags. Not a good look, sweetie.

WHAT. PETER IS SENDING TAMMY HOME?? He tells MyKenna that he’s keeping her because he trusts her, but I trust her about as far as I could throw her. 

The Rose Ceremony

So was the 2-on-1 just a pregame to the rose ceremony? Because I’m confused. We immediately move from Tammy’s elimination into a rose ceremony cocktail party. The girls are relieved that Tammy is gone, but also extremely nervous because now they’ve lost their scapegoat for the evening. They’ll just have to rely on their personalities or something to make it through to the next round. Lol good luck ladies!!

As Peter starts handing out roses, I’m really not sure who is going home tonight. I feel like it might be the end of the road for Natasha and MyKenna, but then why not eliminate MyKenna 30 minutes ago and call it a day? I 100% do not think he’s into Natasha at all. He says he wants an age-appropriate woman, but Peter strikes me as the kind of guy who still whispers the words “over thirty” when he talks about a person’s age in a group setting. 

In a truly SHOCKING twist, Peter gives his final rose to Kelley, which means Sydney and MyKenna are both going home tonight.

Sydney’s parting words were “I enjoyed this,” and I just snorted into my wine glass. That is the same response I gave when my boss asked me to rate the last company happy hour she planned at Applebee’s. 

And that’s all I have for you hoes! After two nights and five hours of Bachelor footage, I physically, emotionally, and spiritually cannot take any more of it. Do you hear me, ABC?? I’M CRYING UNCLE!! Until next week! Adios, bitchachos! 

For more on The Bachelor, check out the first episode of Betchelor Center:

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornation /Instagram (1)

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Madison From ‘The Bachelor’ Got Caught Running Her Own Fan Account

We’re only one week into the new season of The Bachelor, and I already can’t keep up with these girls. I don’t know if this premiere week has been messier than usual, but it feels like there is just so much to talk about. Already, we’ve broken down Hannah Ann’s suspicious background and Maurissa’s date with Mike Johnson, and today it’s Madison’s turn in the hot seat. Pretty much every Bachelor contestant has exhibited cringeworthy behavior on Instagram at one point or another, but Madison’s is… something else.

On this week’s premiere, she emerged as an early frontrunner when she was chosen for the first one-on-one date of the season. She and Peter seemed to vibe pretty well, and even without spoilers, it’s not hard to guess that she’ll be around for a while. On Tuesday morning after the premiere aired, she posted a photo from her date with Peter, saying that it was “the most perfect date with the perfect guy.” I can’t wait to see how that caption ages if she doesn’t end up winning the show, but that’s not what’s important here.

You’ll notice below that there’s a super sweet comment on the photo, saying that Madison’s date was “beautiful,” and that she’s “so genuine and real.” The problem? The comment came FROM MADISON.

That’s right—Madison is SO genuine and real that she’s giving herself compliments on her own public Instagram post. We love a humble queen! I really can’t imagine a more genuine and real thing to do. But actually, this comment obviously wasn’t supposed to come from Madison’s own profile, so who was it supposed to come from?

The prevailing theory behind this is that Madison made a fan account for herself, and then forgot to switch to that account before commenting on her own photo. If this is the case, which seems likely, it’s sad and hilarious. Like, I don’t know how many of these women are out here making fan accounts for themselves, but if you’re going to be shady, you’ve got to be good at it! I’m logged into four different Instagram accounts because my job is just that important, and I double-check what account I’m on every single time I post something! It’s an easy mistake to make, but that just means you need to be careful.

After the comment got clocked by the entire internet, she deleted it, but it was too late. From there, she went into full damage control mode, and it didn’t go super well. She got her friend (sister? idk, the account has no info) to comment on photo, saying that the comment came from her, but she “was logged into Madi’s from when she got back from filming.” Um, yeah, I’m calling bullsh*t on that. According to spoilers, filming for Peter’s season ended in early November. As you may know, it’s now January, which means that even if Madison makes it to the end, she’s been back for a full two months.

Even if this other woman was running Madison’s Instagram while she was away, I don’t believe that she just hasn’t checked her own Instagram since November. Madison quickly responded, saying that “it happens” but like, does it? This explanation is shaky at best, and I’m disappointed that Madison couldn’t come up with something a little more convincing.

But this weird, bad cover-up has yet another layer, and it only gets more puzzling. After Madison’s friend or whoever took the blame, another account posted a story with more aggressive explanation of what allegedly happened here. The post explains that Madi’s “sisters has access to her account, and they commented.” Besides this being terrible grammar, I also don’t really get why her sisters would be just casually on her account. Whatever.

The most important thing is the account that posted this story: @teammadisonprewett. An actual fan account! While the account is anonymous, it was probably made by someone who knows Madison, because it was started the day ABC released contestant photos on Facebook back in September. Sure, it could have just been someone who wanted to hang onto the handle in case she made it far, but who else would make a fan account for someone based on one photo and a first name? This was way before we had any actual info about the contestants or the season. The account probably run by one of her sisters or something, if not Madison herself. Either way, giving the inside scoop on your Instagram f*ckup to a fan page for yourself isn’t the way to make people believe you. And also, the overly aggressive tone and capitalization screams middle school cyber bullying. Like nobody here is SPREADING lies, we’re just stating a logical explanation for what’s happening. And what’s more PATHETIC—pointing that out or running a fan Instagram for someone who won’t be relevant past August? Yeah, I’m convinced this is like, a younger sister or little cousin behind this account.

Naturally, Madison is getting trolled all over the internet about how “genuine and real” she is, and I’m mostly just disappointed that the whole season is filmed in advance, so Chris Harrison won’t get to make fun of her for it. Maybe in 2020, The Bachelor needs to happen in real time. Like, if I were Peter, I would want to know all the dirt that Reddit had dug up on my contestants, not just the two fun facts that the producers put on the bios. If I found out someone I was dating made a fake fan page for herself, that might actually affect my opinion of them!

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This is awkward. 👉🏽 swipe to see which girl is running her own fan account. #thebachelor

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But alas, Peter has already made his choices, so we just have to watch to see if Madison lets her desperation show in some other way while she’s in the house. I mean, all of these women are desperate, so she’ll probably still be fine either way. Isn’t this season fun!

Images: ABC; bachsleuthers, madiprew, thebetchelor / Instagram