I tell you, the quarantine has brought out the best and the worst in people. And by “people” I’m not talking about your crazy Aunt Cheryl’s return to Facebook, I’m talking about the plague upon humanity that is Bachelor Nation. I think it’s safe to say I’m always talking about The Bachelor, mmkay? While the most exciting thing in our day-to-day lives has been getting dressed up to take the dog out to poop three times a day, ABC’s children of the corn have been treating quarantine like their own personal PR playground. They heard “pandemic” and instead of thinking of new ways to relax and reset, they’re out here finding new and creative ways to stay relevant even though absolutely no one asked them to. So, without further ado, here are the thirstiest people in Bachelor Nation right now, who really need to do less.
Am I surprised that Chad Johnson is using this pandemic to extend his 15 minutes of fame? No, not at all. Do I want to see it, though? Also no, not at all. Surprisingly, Chad isn’t pulling the move I thought he would and starting Twitter fights with a new person in Bachelor Nation every two days, but he is promoting his OnlyFans real hard. It’s apparently now free, which I think kind of defeats the purpose of having an OnlyFans?
Just made a new FREE OnlyFans account! Check it out! 😈https://t.co/n6G9BInqoY
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) April 2, 2020
He also apparently bought domain names for various Bachelor alums. He really is the Martin Shkreli of Bachelor Nation. I’m not going to click any of the links, because I don’t want to give Chad the satisfaction, but I would imagine they just redirect to his OnlyFans page.
Who has a better website? Kelsey Weier? Chase Mcnary? Hannah Ann? Or Derek Peth? Or Robby Hayes? Personally I like all of them.https://t.co/2S2HD0fvB3https://t.co/xSDBBKrqrDhttps://t.co/uogKYUt3Jshttps://t.co/nAKMFtiPPrhttps://t.co/tmHxuN1WLn#TheBachelor
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) March 18, 2020
You guys: Say OnlyFans again.
Poor Clare. America’s favorite spinster was just a few weeks away from finding her happy ending with all of those post-Bachelorette sponsorships, when the world shut down due to a global pandemic. If that’s not the most Clare thing to ever happen to a person, then I don’t know what is. But Clare has been staying strong and clinging to her relevance harder than I’ve been clinging to the idea that I still have 4th of July plans. When COVID first hit and ABC announced that her season would be postponed, she took to Twitter to reignite a feud with her Bachelor ex Juan Pablo. More recently, Clare hopped on Instagram to announce that she still has the dress she was dumped in on national television six years ago. That would be special if I didn’t 100% believe all contestants are contractually obligated to keep those for 10 years after their season is over lest ABC miss an opportunity to exploit the most painful and humiliating moment of their life for their own personal gain.
While I appreciate Clare’s efforts to remain relevant, her tactics just feel tired. Starting sh*t with your ex from six years ago on a public platform? Posting about your hoe clothes from the past?? These are things I would have done in college, and all it earned me was pitying looks from my sorority’s Safety and Wellness chair.
Hannah Ann Sluss
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I love this fun TikTok Hannah Ann and Hannah G did!! They both look so good! 🤍 • • • #hannah #hannahann #hannahannsluss #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelorette #bachelornation #tiktok #explorepage #followers #fashion #beautiful #cute #women #gorgeous #outfit #friend #model #friends #bestfriends #pretty #friendship #dance #followforfollowback #likeforfollow #follow #song #tiktokdance #likeforlikes #music
I feel for Hannah Ann, I really do. She did all the right things while competing for Peter’s heart. She laughed at all of his jokes, she cried when she was supposed to, she let Peter talk her into recreating that scene from Titanic during their Fantasy Suite date, and she didn’t even look repulsed when Peter’s mom called Pachi post-coitus. She was denied the coveted Bachelorette spot and now it’s looking like Paradise might be out for her too. This was supposed to be her time to shine!! How is she supposed to get modeling gigs that aren’t for off-brand shapewear or a Denny’s menu if she isn’t able to capitalize off her Bachelor fame?? And so this is why I forgive her for staging her own paparazzi shots during a global pandemic. I’ve seen more stories online about Hannah Ann being “spotted” in LA than I have articles from the CDC about proper hand washing. When she’s not being “caught” out and about it in a full face of contour, she’s been blowing up the TikTok scene with cringey dance routines that feature her favorite famous friends. Honestly, I hope this strategy works for her. She deserves to get something out of her relationship with Peter other than just time served.
Guys, I’m worried about Peter. There, I’ve said it! After failing to make it work with 25+ of America’s Next Top Instagram Models, getting engaged, breaking off that engagement, getting a girlfriend for two hours, and breaking up that relationship because his mommy told him to, he’s been struggling. While most Bachelor/ette leads come off their season with shiny new engagements (or at least shiny, new spon-con deals), Pilot Pete’s biggest announcement as of late is that he’s moving out of his parent’s basement. Maybe. Probably. If he can get them to co-sign his lease after the pandemic ends. You can tell he might be at his breaking point by the way he’s been acting out on TikTok recently. Peter’s TikTok activity ranges from mild cringiness to straight-up I’m calling his mother. Honestly, I’m worried for him. Barb, can we get a wellness check up in here??
Hannah Brown + Tyler C
I’m just going to come out and say this because we’ve all been thinking it: The Quarantine Crew is blasphemous. There is actually nothing more offensive to me than a bunch of hot singles flaunting their hotness and proximity to a Florida timeshare while the rest of us consider which old underwear to use when we need to wipe our asses after the TP stockpile runs empty. For the past several weeks now, Hannah and Tyler C have been living their best lives down in Florida in what appears to be some sort of harem situation. At best, their social distancing can be described as a deleted scene from Spring Breakers; at worst, something the CDC definitely referenced in their Powerpoint of what not to do during their last White House briefing. Either way, out of respect for those of us who are subsisting on a diet of Kraft cheese slices and Franzia and who haven’t breathed fresh air since February, they need to cut that sh*t out and save their antics for when Mike Fliess can profit off it, mmkay?
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; @hannahann_fanpage /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @thequarantinecrew /Instagram (1); @jessclarke_ /Instagram (1); @usweekly /Instagram (1)
A new decade is rapidly approaching, and I know this not because of the date on my calendar, but because my mother will not stop bringing it up along with passive-aggressive comments about my ticking biological clock. And I’m not the only one who’s feeling the effects of time! The Bachelor franchise, America’s favorite guilty pleasure and the reason I believe in true love—but only if you must compete with 20 other ridiculously good-looking women to find it, has taken a few hits over the last couple of seasons. For those of you who didn’t realize it, the good people over at ABC have been holding us all hostage on Monday nights for a casual two decades now, and even though the show first aired in 2002, I think we can all agree it didn’t really hit its stride until the last decade or so. I feel it’s only right that with the start of a new year and a new decade, I
air my grievances give a retrospective of the franchise. So, friends, with that in mind, let’s take a look at a decade of Bachelor.
The Bachelors Still Ain’t Sh*t
In order to look forward, we must first look backward. Back in 2010, Jake Pavelka was the Bachelor. I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t really remember Jake’s season. I was just a freshman in college during that time, and my idea of a refined reality TV experience was watching JWoww get fingered on a dance floor by Pauly D on Thursday nights, so The Bachelor was a little too highbrow for me. That said, from what I’ve gathered via an exhaustive 5-10 minute Google search, Jake was a pilot from Texas whose face I might not even remember if a gun was pointed directly at my head and I had to distinguish him from any other attractive blond man.
Flash forward 10 years, and the franchise has completely evolved. In 2020 the next Bachelor will be a pilot from California whose face I might not even remember if a gun was pointed directly at my head and I had to distinguish him from any other attractive blond-ish man. That’s what progress looks like, folks! I know on the surface it feels like nothing has really changed since Jake’s season, and that’s because it absolutely hasn’t. In those 10 years there has not been one Bachelor of color, nor has there been a Bachelor from a different socioeconomic or religious background. ABC is nothing but on-brand, and their message is loud and clear: If you want to be the most desirable man in America you need to be white, attractive, Christian, and well-off.
And are the most eligible white men America even finding a real connection and ever-lasting love during their time on the show? Lol no. In the entire 18 years The Bachelor has been hijacking our TV screens only one leading man—ONE!!!—is still with the woman he proposed to on the show—not counting the most recent two seasons, just give it time. (Sean Lowe, you are a beautiful unicorn of a man, please don’t ever change!) In fact, since Colton’s season, the bar for commitment is at an all-time low. Proposals aren’t even needed or, apparently, contractually obligated anymore. Instead of leaving the show with a fiancée and a commitment for marriage, if you’re the lucky girl who makes it to the end, you get to leave the show with a boyfriend and a commitment to go halfsies on your next date night Seamless order. That’s definitely the happy ending I always dreamed of when I was a little girl!
Instagram Is The New Final Rose
Back in 2010 when Jake’s season was in full swing, Instagram had just launched for the first time. And even though Instagram was an app that you could technically download in the app store, it wouldn’t take off until two years later when Facebook acquired it. To put things into perspective for the youths reading this, my “Instagram” in college involved me lugging my digital camera with me to parties, where I took actual blackmail photos of myself chugging Four Lokos at the Kappa Sig house and then spent the next morning painstakingly downloading each and every image to my computer before uploading them to Facebook for God and my mother to see in an album entitled “i LuV gEtTiN’ sLiZzArD.” The lengths I used to have to go to to ruin my reputation were honestly astounding.
Nowadays, Instagram and social media play a huge role in The Bachelor franchise. I Googled contestants from Jake’s season, and not one woman has retained any sort of fame or relevance since her time on The Bachelor. Now, you can get eliminated night one and still cobble together a career for yourself. *cough* Grocery Store Joe *cough, cough* And these careers are proving sustainable. Look at Ashely I and Jared. If we’re being honest, their 15 minutes of fame should have ended approximately five years ago, and yet, People.com is out here publishing articles about things that happen on their Instagrams as if it’s breaking news. Meanwhile, Google is acting like they don’t even know who Jake Pavelka is when I type his name into the search bar.
Me: “Jake Pavelka 2019″
And because of social media blasting these contestants into superstardom, the idea that anyone is on the show for “the right reasons” is getting harder and harder to believe. For one, people aren’t going on the show to find love, they’re going on the show to advance a career. On Colton’s season it was rumored that two of the women were strategizing to become the next Bachelorette despite being two of the top four finalists, a calculated move to extend their fame knowing full well that in the end the winner of Colton’s heart is the loser of social media deals.
Reality Steve Is The New Chris Harrison
Back in 2010, it used to be that the only man who could truly shock us was Chris Harrison. Each week we waited with bated breath for Chris to drop the next bombshell on us, the next commitment issue, the next secret from a dark past. Now, there are websites like Reality Steve devoted entirely to spoiling season secrets before the season has even aired. Even non-spoiler-y sites like Cosmo.com and People.com (and yes, Betches.com) are publishing stories about footage that has yet to air live. All of this culminates to make the show feel less real and more scripted, like what’s happening during filming is irrelevant. Old news.
I think it’s this aspect of the show that’s simultaneously frustrating audiences while drawing them in. On the one hand, we want to know nothing. We want to be shocked, awed, and entertained. We were promised The Most Dramatic Season Ever™ and goddamnit, they better deliver. At the same time, we want to feel in on the secret. We want to know that Jed is a lying scumbag before Hannah does, we want to read all the sordid details before the finale so we can be properly outraged when they finally come to fruition.
(The other appeal to reading spoilers is that very often, The Bachelor does not actually deliver in bringing the drama it promises, so preparing ourselves by reading the spoilers in advance helps cushion the blow of the let-down.)
The landscape of reality TV is changing. It’s no longer being consumed on Monday nights at 8pm sharp, but rather in comments and DMs and who follows whom. The episode itself is just in addition to all of this. It’s not the main course anymore, but a part of the overall meal. We like this because we feel one step closer to fame. Instead of watching the most eligible man in America fall in love from your couch, you can actively be a part of the experience. You can like his tweets, comment on his Instagram, and slide into his DMs after five glasses of wine and casually mention the closest airport to your apartment in case he’s ever in town (not like I’ve done this before or anything, nope). You get to take a bite out of Bachelor Nation and that feeling can be intoxicating. But it comes at the expense of the actual show, because watching it live is no longer necessary.
So, What’s Next?
It’s been 10 years of Bachelor and the only thing I know for sure is that the show is here to stay. Despite the changes in the way reality TV is being consumed, despite the lack of diversity in contestants or the fact that contestants are blatantly not there for the right reasons, we all keep coming back for more. If I were to look into my crystal ball and predict how the franchise would evolve by 2030, I would say we have more attractive, blondish men as season leads in our future. We might get one ginger as the Bachelor because #diversity. Chris Harrison will still be the host, but only if ABC hasn’t found a way to create a bionic version of him that they don’t have to keep happy with hefty bonuses and massive amounts of SkinnyGirl Margarita Mix. The casting process will exist entirely through Instagram and social media, and anyone who hasn’t had at least one sponsorship deal with Sugar Bear Hair or Fashion Nova prior to being on the show will not be considered. Instead of an engagement ring, the women will compete for a mention on the Bachelor’s IG story. Black Mirror will release an episode on this approximately one year from now. Sighs. Isn’t the future beautiful?
So, bring on the emotional waterboarding, ABC, because we’re still here, we’re still watching, and we’ll still gladly let you torture us with poorly timed commercial breaks! I’d say never change, but we all know you won’t.
Images: WDTV Press; Giphy (3)
Last night, after weeks of complete uncertainty over who Colton would choose (I kid, we’ve all known for weeks), The Bachelor ended with Cassie as the winner. Unlike most seasons, there was no proposal at the end, but Colton and Cassie both took to Instagram to prove how in love they are. They’ve both posted twice since the finale aired, and all of the posts make me want to throw up in my mouth. What can I say, I’m cynical like that! And because I’ve had to suffer through reading these captions, so should you.
Before reading all of these sappy captions, it’s important to remember that this is a relationship from a TV show, so their entire relationship has to be taken with about a tablespoon of salt. I’m not saying that they’re definitely not into each other at all, but I have eyes and a TV and Cassie looked like she was uncomfortable around Colton for this entire season, including last night when they got back together. I guess things can change, but this is a pretty major 180 from when she literally dumped him in Portugal and he had to chase after her through the streets. (Reading that back, it sounds less like the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks-type love story and more like the intro to an episode of Criminal Minds.)
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Whatever I write will never fully articulate the feelings I have for you. You are the most incredible person whom I have ever met, you have the kindest soul and the sweetest heart. You changed my life for the better and made this year the best year of my life. I can’t wait for our adventures ahead… I have my best friend. I have my girlfriend. I have my future fiancé. I have my future wife. But most importantly I have you. Let’s do this thing they call life… together… forever. I love you @cassierandolph
But back to these photos. Colton started things off with this picture of him and Cassie in bed, because being in bed together is a thing they do now. Don’t you guys know? He was a VIRGIN and now he is NOT! I really want to know who took this picture, because it’s either on a self-timer, which is the least sexy thing in the world, or there’s a third person in the room, which means the photo is 100% staged—and, I take it back, that’s the least sexy thing in the world. Either way, these two are already pros at taking staged candids that look good on Instagram. I see a bright future ahead of them!
In the caption, Colton calls Cassie his “future fiancé” and “future wife,” which would be sweet if we didn’t just watch him basically bribe her with a trip to Spain just so she wouldn’t block his number. That brings me to the end of the caption, which is by far the worst thing I’ve ever read:
Let’s do this thing they call life… together… forever.”
STOP. NO. I HATE IT SO MUCH. This is like Colton read a list of the worst couples Instagram captions and figured out a way to roll them all into one. I really can’t with this whole “doing life together” thing. Like, they’re not even engaged. Congrats Colton, you have a girlfriend, now please just leave us all in peace.
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Sometimes it can be hard for me to find my words (as you all have seen haha)… it’s so easy for me to over-analyze and get in my own head, especially when my feelings are overwhelming or when big things are happening so quickly. So, here goes my attempt to put the past 6 months into words ? Stepping out of the limo on night one, I had no idea what was in store for me. The saying “God always has bigger plans in mind” has never felt more real to me than it does now. I’m honestly holding back tears as I write this, trying not to get too sentimental as all the memories and emotions flood over me while I reflect on this whole experience. I am unbelievably grateful for every single relationship that was formed with 29 amazing women, Colton and all the crew involved. It was a truly unique adventure that I got the extraordinary opportunity to experience. Everyone who has been beside me throughout these past 6 months (during filming and post), has helped me grow in ways that I couldn’t ever have imagined. I’ve learned things about myself, relationships, and life in general, that I would never have known otherwise. Thinking back to before I was cast on The Bachelor S23, I get chills realizing just how crazy it is that ONE THING has the potential to change life SO MUCH. ♥️ This past week, I took a much-needed break from my social media. I was allowing the opinions of others, and their sometimes cruel speculations, really get to me. That brings me to perhaps the truest, most impactful thing that this experience has taught me: to stay true to myself. Being real is something we ALL owe to ourselves. Regardless of the outcome, that is the one thing we can do to guarantee no regrets… to make the best decision we can in the moment. ?So cheers, my friends (and trolls) to The Bachelor S23 finale… may we all live and learn, be humble, and most of all, forever remain open to learning. Thank you for the opportunity to share with you all a glimpse into some of the most pivotal moments of my life. So far 🙂 #thebachelor
Cassie’s first post revealing her relationship with Colton features a caption that is almost 400 words long. If you’re wondering, so far this article is ~250 words, so congrats for reading 2/3rds of a Cassie Randolph Instagram caption. We’re so blessed. If you don’t feel like reading the caption (I support you), it’s basically a commercial for how going on The Bachelor can change your life. At the end, she talks about the pressures of social media, and how she’s trying not to let others get to her. Honestly, I’m just impressed she managed to type a short-form essay on a touchscreen keyboard.
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I was going to wait until west coast aired to post this, but I am too impatient. So here it goes! The secret is finally out!!! Colton, you truly have my heart ♥️ Walking into this experience, I honestly wasn’t sure that true love could come from it. It hasn’t necessarily been the easiest road to get to where we are, but if that’s what it took to get here, then every single twist and turn has been undeniably WORTH IT. The last 4 months, just focusing on “us” have been amazing and you have become my best friend. You have shown me the purest, strongest love that any girl could ask for. You jumped a fence, took a risk, and challenged the “rules” to fight for us. I can’t even begin to describe how lucky I feel to have you by my side. I am so excited to see what is next for us in this new phase of our “journey”… I’d jump a thousand fences for you and “like, I know, I KNOW”? that I love you more than words, point blank♥️ ps. you still give me butterflies ?
One hour later, Cassie followed up her Insta manifesto with another post about her and Colton, this time with a mirror selfie of them kissing. Cool. After the first post, Cassie must have gotten a warning from Instagram about her caption length or something, because this time she kept it to one chunky paragraph. She talks about how things weren’t always easy with Colton, but they’ve built an amazing relationship in the last four months, and now they’re stronger than ever. (Said by every couple four months into a relationship because it’s the honeymoon phase.) Here’s the sentence I want printed on my tombstone:
You jumped a fence, took a risk, and challenged the “rules” to fight for us.
Damn girl. I don’t know if Taylor Swift is hiring any new songwriters right now, but Cassie should really hit her up. I’m happy that Colton and Cassie are happy, and I of course expected them to capitalize on the post-finale buzz, but these captions are kind of sending me over the edge. I really don’t want to know what their text conversations look like, but I’m imagining a lot of run-on sentences and butterfly emojis. Or more likely, they don’t speak to each other except for when Mike Fleiss texts them a reminder of the stipulations in their contracts. Ah, young love.
For his second post of the night, Colton went with a selfie in the car, holding the fake butterfly that Cassie gave him when she got out of the limo on the first night. He says in the caption that Cassie doesn’t know he kept it, but he tags her in the goddamn photo, so I think the secret is out.
Of course, all the faces of BachelorNation wanted to similarly capitalize on the finale, so there were dozens of Bachelor alums commenting on all their photos. I’ve done you all the service of condensing some of my (least) favorites:
First of all, 10,000 eye-rolls to Colton for still bringing up that stupid
gate fence every chance he gets. We get it, you jumped over a thing once in Portugal, can we please move on with our lives? Jade chimes in to declare that “love wins,” which I’m pretty sure is a slogan that was initially meant to support actual issues like marriage equality, but sure, why not.
Caelynn is obviously sooooo happy for Colton and Cassie, especially because she was basically pimping Cassie out the second she got eliminated. Caelynn is probably still salty she didn’t get chosen to be The Bachelorette, but at least she can comment something nice on her friend’s Insta.
Aaaaand rounding things out, we have thirsty Ashley I. being thirsty, as per usual. “Giddy” seems like way too strong of a word for people she’s probably met like, one time.
Congratulations to Colton and Cassie, but you better believe they’re both getting muted on Instagram for the foreseeable future. We’ll see how many weeks these declarations of love last, before they revert to Flat Tummy Tea #spon and never mention one another again. I’m so sad this season is over, can you tell?
Images: ABC; @coltonunderwood (2), @cassierandolph (2) / Instagram