I wanted to extend a warm, fuzzy, heartfelt cyber hug to ABC, the third person in my marriage. Thanks to you, I subjected myself to three hours of lonely singles hunting for love on a Mexican beach while navigating crabs and food poisoning. Sounds like spring break!
Here we are at week 5, night 1, which should have counted as week 5, nights 1 through 4.
We open on Angela flipping out over Eric going on a date with Cassandra, which, to be fair, looks like it’s going to be a lot of Eric licking his lips and not a lot of action. The highlight of this whole exchange is Angela insisting they had a solid and stable relationship based on about 10 days, which is like me saying I have a solid, steady understanding of IT after the computer guy asks if I turned my computer off and then back on again. The beach is buzzing with the news of Angela crying and Eric being a d*ck. Meanwhile, Cassandra and Eric have become queen and king of Mexico during some kind of parade. Will there be a blood sacrifice? Stay tuned.
Somewhere, during all of this (my money is on when Tia starting telling Colton they were the strongest, bravest, most #blessed couple on the beach), Colton decides that he’s had enough and needs to concentrate on becoming the virgin Bachelor find himself outside of Paradise—without Little Miss Weiner.
After a chat with the boys, Colton heads to the beach to find Tia and stomp on her heart.
Tia And Colton’s Breakup Extravaganza
Colton sadly lisps his way through an explanation to Tia about how he’s tried, he isn’t that into her, she deserves better, and every other excuse I’ve personally heard while being dumped. He even likens the whole struggle to football, playing football, watching football, loving football, etc.
Colton: I can’t sit around on a beach anymore
Tia: But can you like say you TRIED
Colton: Totes
Tia: Idk what to say
Colton: Catch me on ABC Monday nights at 8pm
They both pack their bags through tears. Tia, honey, girl—you bullied him into being your boyf like I bullied my parents into letting us get a puppy. You’re no Ashley I. You’ve known him for six months and dated him for about 10 days. You’re gonna pull through.
The breakup rocks the Bachelor in Paradise world and now everyone is crying.
Jordan: Bro they just like left
John: I was asleep
Jordan: Tia and Colton are gone
John: Can they do that?
Producers: STFU JOHN AND GO FIND SOMETHING TO DRY HUMP
Jenna is taking Colton and Tia’s breakup especially hard and throws herself face down princess style into an oversized pillow. Jordan comes over to suffocate comfort her with his love. “I’m not a Colton and you’re not a Tia.” Jazz snaps for Jordan, ever the beachy gentleman.
The Angela, Cassandra, And Eric Show
Cass and Eric return from their coronation at a Mexican high school, and Angela is immediately trying to stare through Eric. They head to the beach for a chat, in which Eric explains that after a peaceful nap he woke to discover that omg, I like you but don’t LIKE LIKE you anymore. This, by Eric’s logic, makes it totes cool to explore other options i.e. Cassandra.
Angela: Are you all in
Eric: I was all in but like you’re not all in and I wanted us to be all in together
Angela: That’s your opinion
Eric: I wanna do some splorin’
Angela: K.
It’s around this precise moment that Angela decides to set fire to all of Paradise by pulling Cassandra aside and laying out what a skeeze Eric is. Cassandra, now shooketh, heads back to confront Eric. Eric tells Cassandra that Angela “maybe took it outta context” that they were exclusive. Eric becomes a champion for f*ckboys across our great nation, which is especially clear when he PUTS HIS HAND ON CASSANDRA’S LEG WHILE HE’S EXPLAINING THAT SHE DOESN’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ALL THIS OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP.
An Armenian And Scallops Walk On To A Beach…
Another day, another chance for someone to drown. We listen to Kevin and Astrid talk about love and also using ice cream as code for boning. Are these couples all boning already? Can someone let me know?
We see Jordan cutting Chris’ baby hairs and not thinking about stabbing him in the throat. Jordan, your restraint is the stuff of legends.
Two new arrivals come traipsing in—it’s Shushanna from Ben Higgins’ season and Christen aka Scallop Fingers from Paradise, The Bachelor, one episode of The Proposal, and probably several other ABC shows.
They quickly break off the weakest in the pack—60:40 Kamil and Venmo John—and drag them away for a double date. Can someone explain to me the appeal of John? Is it that he’s probably loaded after inventing Venmo? Is there anyone he hasn’t kissed left on this beach?
Annaliese says she feels confident (her ability to throw back several margaritas says otherwise) despite going through no less than six dudes already, all of whom have fled in terror in the face of dating her. Same.
Meanwhile, Jorges Tour-hays (a probably unlicensed but super fun boating excursion) is providing all the fun you could possibly have while straddling a banana and getting pulled through the water during an awkward double date. Armenian Shu and Polish Kamil start bonding over Europe and Angela Merkel’s pantsuits, I assume. Kamil also tells Shu that he’s totally in the friend zone with Annaliese, which is probably news to Annaliese who has already started their family album and picked out several kids’ names. After this shocking exchange and subsequent face sucking, it’s kind of unexpected that Kamil goes BACK TO ANNALIESE and tells her he’s v into her and their relationship is special. I’m sorry, what?
Did Shu have bad breath? Did Annaliese threaten Kamil’s life if he left her? OH, wait, there it is—she’s dangling “spending the night” in front of him. Ah, Kamil—you’re a slave to the poontang.
Meanwhile, John again is putting himself out there to date any living thing that walks on to the beach, including Christen. Tune in next week when John tries to go on a candlelit dinner date with a beach crab and hilarity ensues.
Jared And Ashley I’s Engagement
Chris comes in screaming HOLA; is me after two drinks. Here come the Bachelor in Paradise poster kids, Jared and Ashley, ready to hand out a date card on the very beach where Ashley was rejected by Jared during every previous BiP season. Saying things were a little complicated for Ashley and Jared is like saying Trump is just a bit too vocal on Twitter.
Of course, the real reason Ashley and Jared are here is to get engaged in front of a bunch of sad singles to solidify the idea that bikinis plus alcohol equals great relationships. We then take a journey in time through Ashley’s snot and tears while Jared tells her he isn’t interested. Emmy nom for the producers who put together this gem of a footage reel, please. Jared gets down on one knee with a Neil Lane ring and Ashley snots herself for maybe the last time. Break out the champagne and—oh, wait—sorry Kevin.
So how long are we giving Ashley and Jared till this goes down in flames? I got till February 2020. Astrid tries to comfort Kevin after they had to “watch them get proposed.” You’re doing great, sweetie.
MVP comment goes to Kevin for stating “you know, I’m a monumental part of her life. Of her dating life. I’m a BIG PART. YOU KNOW.” We get it Kevin. You snatched the v card. You are our champion.
The Bachelor in Paradise gods bestow a Mexican dinner date complete with surprise mariachi band and pool floaties on Astrid and Kevin, who then continue to profess their love. Sweet, guys.
Alright 45 mins left and half my life is gone.
The Rose Ceremony
Time for the rose ceremony, where everything’s made up and nothing matters. On the chopping block are Chelsea, Cassandra, Angela, Christen, Shushanna, and Annalies—unless the sex with Kamil was like, okay, and she gets to live another day.
Apparently, Cassandra has forgotten all about Eric’s stupidity and is going to Namaste-away all the bad juju with a lil yoga.
Christen is vying for her rose by showing everyone how ill-fitting her jumpsuit is and how great of a dancer she can be when margaritas are around. Fugly slut John is whoring his rose out to whoever tells him he’s the most awesome. Remember that time Chelsea saved him? Me either.
Annaliese continues to dangle sex in front of Kamil and Shu is refusing to call her anything except “The blonde girl.” Shu is all of us.
Suddenly, Chris Harrison drops a bomb. Not a real one, unfortunately. Jordan, of Bibi and Jordan on Winter Games fame, is here to give out a rose and, like, find love, too. Jordan makes it abundantly clear that he is here for business and “not here to f*ck spiders.” New Zealand, I don’t get you, but you’re the gift that keeps on giving.
Chelsea immediately sidles up to Jordan and explains that while she “has a few responsibilities back home” she’s totally open to love. I’m sorry, did you just straight-up call your kid one of your “few responsibilities”? Mother of the year.
When things don’t seem to be playing out with Jordan, Chelsea goes in for the kill and heads straight for Kamil in an effort to seize on the clearly unstable relationship Annaliese thinks they have. American Jordan nearly sh*ts himself from all the drama and isn’t sure which look to use.
Annaliese, shooketh, discusses this backstabbery with Chelsea while Kamil flosses, sadly with Scallops in the background.
Despite her best, b*tchiest efforts, Chelsea loses out on Kamil’s rose to Annaliese. The roses go out as follows:
- Kevin picks Astrid
- Chris picks Krystal
- Jordan picks Jenna
- Joe picks Kendall
- Eric picks Cassandra
- Jordan picks Shushanna
- John picks Olivia
- Kamil picks Annaliese
Chelsea, Angela, and Scallops Christen head back from whence they came… OR SO WE THINK. Christen starts claiming she’s dizzy and lightheaded while Chelsea has a nervous breakdown in the jungle complete with panic attack. We listen to Chelsea hyperventilate while we simultaneously die of happiness for the fact that this three hours has come to an end. Will Chelsea and Christen pity party their way to a new ABC show? Will Annaliese handcuff herself to Kamil? Will John pick a new victim? Tune in for part two tonight and we’ll all struggle through this together.
Images: Courtesy of ABC; Giphy (7)
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!
Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.
Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.
Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.
^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn
Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.
Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.
So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!
Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.
Lacey is the first one on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?
LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?
DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.
ME:
Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.
JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.
CHRISTEN: lol
Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.
“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.
*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.
My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.
Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.
Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!
It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA??
I. AM. SHOOK.
Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:
Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.
Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.
ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?
AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.
THE FANTASY SUITE DATE
The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.
Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.
Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.
Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.
GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?
Yes, yes you did.
Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.
AFTER THE FINAL TEQUILA SHOT ROSE
Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.
Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.
Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.
CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?
DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.
CORINNE: I am also in therapy.
Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!
Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?
They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…
They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.
DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*
GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?
YES.
Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.
Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA.
That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.
And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a father figure free babysitter for her kids.
Meanwhile Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.
Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.
Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.
CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?
DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?
And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.
So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is a boob job an open mind and an open heart.
Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?
Whatever. I guess Derek has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.
Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.
The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here!
