The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: PROMenade Me Into Oncoming Traffic

Just when you think ABC has hurt you for the last time they go and do it again. If last week’s episode could have been an email, this week’s episode could have been the pile of shit my roommate’s dog likes to leave in the middle of our living room. To clarify, ABC, when I said “please, dear god, give me something to work with, I beg of you” I was not actually asking to watch three hours of emotionally stunted barn animals reenact their prom glory days. *sighs so deeply it creates a new fault line in the earth* Let’s get into it!

Ivan, Whyyyyy

Last week things left off on a cliffhanger between Ivan and Aaron. I’m using the term “cliffhanger” here loosely, as the term implies a sense of suspense or tension building, whereas this altercation barely roused me after the three glasses of pinot I chugged to feel something during this episode. But, sure, things between Ivan and Aaron were “heating up.” 

If you’ll recall, the source of their feud started when Ivan made one last-ditch attempt at staying in Paradise by making out with Chelsea, even after he explicitly told Aaron he wouldn’t. Aaron responded in the only way his PBR-soaked brain knows how: by choosing violence. Surprise, surprise, Aaron doesn’t trust another man. At this point, it wouldn’t shock me if Aaron decided to fight a mop because it was looking at his girl wrong. 

It does make me wonder, though, if there’s something else going on here… Ever notice how Aaron only ever gets this impassioned when another dude is involved? Be honest with us, Aaron. Are you upset because Ivan kissed Chelsea or are you upset because Ivan didn’t kiss you? This is a safe space, pal!!

Also, I should mention that I’m Team Ivan. I’m always Team Ivan. I don’t care if Chelsea didn’t pull Ivan first or if Ivan talked to Chelsea first. That Ivan hasn’t been the #1 draft pick since night one is an absolute travesty and I will be drafting a letter of complaint to ABC HQ immediately following the conclusion of this season. You hoes don’t deserve him!

When Aaron is rebuked for physically trying to rile Ivan, he tries a more covert route of Regina George-ing the others into turning their backs on him. It’s a massive fail because, you know, it’s Ivan. Lol. What’s crazy is that this isn’t even about Chelsea anymore. This is about Aaron’s ego and him looking embarrassed in front of other people. The possessiveness he displays over women who seem mildly interested in him is… staggering. 

AARON: *sniffles* and do you know what the worst part about all of this is?
CHELSEA: That you thought I might have made a connection with someone else?
AARON: THAT THOSE MEANIES LAUGHED AT ME!!! 

My GOD this man is so insecure. 

You’d think that would be the end of the Ivan drama. Not so! Right before the rose ceremony Wells pulls Ivan aside to “chat” about something he did last night in the hotel. So, apparently while the rest of the cast was riding out the tropical storm, sequestered at whatever Mexican hotel had the cheapest last minute drink package, Ivan was canoodling with a yet-to-appear-on-the-beach cast member. Okay, they’re acting like Ivan murdered his mistress, not snuck out past curfew to get a half-hearted handy by the ice machine. Come on! This is so high school.

WELLS: So, you saw a text on a producer’s phone about room assignments and you just… read it?
IVAN: Yes…?
WELLS: Do you understand the severity of this?
IVAN: 

Okay, come on. This is absolutely ridiculous. Wells wants Ivan to come clean to the rest of the cast members before he kicks him out of Paradise. Like, what does Wells expect these people to do with this information? Bend Ivan over their collective knees to give him a spanking? These are all grown adults!

Ivan leaves with relatively little fanfare and the rest of the rose ceremony continues. The rose lineup breaks down as such:

⭐︎ Serena picks Joe
⭐︎ Abigail picks Noah
⭐︎
Maurissa picks Riley
⭐︎
Mari picks Kenny
⭐︎
Becca picks Thomas
⭐︎
Chelsea picks Aaron
⭐︎
Natasha picks Ed
⭐︎ Tia picks James

Mari & Kenny Are In Retrograde

We’re reminded multiple times throughout the episode that this is the last week of Paradise. Mmkay, can I get that in writing though? Because this three-hour not-a-finale episode begs to differ…

Because it’s the last week of Paradise, many of the couples are crumbling over the pressure of having to face the real world. Yes, I could see how it might be difficult to have to go back to the harsh realities of influencer life. Please tell me more.

Kenny and Mari in particular struggle this week. Keep in mind that exactly 12 hours before their “struggles” they were eating Taco Bell off of each other’s pubes. Kenny’s like, “it just worries me that this morning it feels like things fizzled.” I’m sorry, Kenny, but not every day can involve some sort of deviant sex food game. That’s not medically advised by gynecologists!! 

What can solve their issues? A bruja! Yes, ABC conjures up a Latin American spiritualist (seemingly straight out of a “So You Think You Might Be Culturally Appropriating?” pamphlet) to “cleanse” their relationship and “plow through” Mari’s emotional barriers. If this feels rife with sexual undertones, just wait until the bruja starts waving around those girth-y ceremonial candles. 

Also, I love that ABC heard “I’m worried that the longest relationship this 40-year-old boy band manager has ever had is with his hair gel brand” and thought hexing the man into submission would be the right fix. It’s not like when mercury is in retrograde—these are real problems! And why is it that when ABC orchestrates shit like this everyone thinks it’s “cute” and “kismet”, yet when I do it in the privacy of my own home it gets me an in depth conversation with my roommate about “boundaries in shared living spaces”? Hmm? Riddle me that. 

Whatever plowing Kenny does to Mari’s spirit seems to work, because by the end of the ceremony they’re suddenly committed and ready to do this thing called life together. Booooo. Call me when you two get interesting again.

The New Girls Strike Out

ABC spends a solid hour of last night’s programming wasting our time by teasing two new additions to the house: Anna and Mykenna. I’m not sure what the purpose of airing any of this footage is other than to burst one of my blood vessels. These women are coming in at last call and expecting to find true love and not the last, drunkest baboons at the bar. Or in this case, Ed and James.

Mykenna especially struggles. By the time she arrives on the scene, there are approximately two single men left on that beach and one of them is a sand crab. She tries to ask Aaron on a date and he declines in front of everyone. He’s like, “I’ve just had a really tough week.” Hmmm. I’d believe you more, buddy, if you didn’t say that as you were fast-tracking it back to the mimosa bar. 

Mykenna starts crying on the beach about how embarrassing this is and how she wants to go home. Honestly, I’ll give her that. This is a little embarrassing and it’s not at all her fault. I know she has the emotional maturity of a butterfly hair clip but, christ, ABC, you could have thrown her a bone!

THE BONE ED: I’d like to go on a date with you!
MYKENNA: 

THIS GIRL. Okay, I take back everything nice I just said about her. This man—who has both a six pack and a personality—is literally throwing himself at her feet and she’s like, “nah, I’d rather spend my evening waiting in a customs line.” That’s how I know quarantine hasn’t been that bleak for you. Also, isn’t she 24? Shouldn’t her dating mentality still be “at least it’s a free dinner”? You’re not better than this, hunnie. 

I will say Ed is quite the salesman. I would follow that man straight into a pyramid scheme, he’s that charming. He eventually convinces Mykenna to go on the date with him and it looks like it’s a fine time. As fine a time as can be had for the last two pandas at the zoo, anyways. Every happiness to you both, kiddies!

Prom?

The last 45 minutes of the episode are devoted to Paradise’s first ever prom. Why prom? I can only assume it’s because production spent the majority of the episode’s budget on financing that bruja. But you know what? The contestants are eating it up. It makes sense, I suppose. I think I have credit cards that are older than the time that’s elapsed since some of these girls’ last attended a high school prom.  

I will say, the contestants understood the assignment in terms of manifesting all the moods that go into prom. We have Abigail who is representing every Josie Grossie who never got asked to prom in high school. There’s Serena, the girl who always got five promposals and had her friends vote on them American Idol-style. Then there’s Tia, the Moaning Myrtle of the group. She looks like she’s about to drink too much spiked punch and spend the last two hours crying in the bathroom (relatable). 

In typical prom fashion, the night is pure chaos. Tia spends the first half of the dance wallowing in self-pity, grinding in the awkward spaces between couples. But by night’s end Aaron swoops in to sweep her off her feet. They end up horizontal and making out on one of the hotel lobby couches. If this feels random, that’s because it absolutely is. It’s almost like the carbs in the spiked punch went straight to Aaron’s head and he asked the wrong girl to go to the couches. Whatever, I’m sure Chelsea will totally understand…

Abigail and Noah also have a rough night. Abigail spends the majority of prom basking in the fact that someone actually asked her to prom. She says she wants to tell Noah she loves him and she’s ready to ride off into the sunset with him. Cut to Noah, who heard “80s prom” and decided to come dressed like the sixth-year senior who sells you coke by the football field. So, like, basically how he’s been dressing all summer.

Prom is bringing out the opposite feelings in him. Even though a mere 12 hours ago he told Abigail he was “falling for her” he wants to take it back. He asks if it’s possible to be in love with someone but not want to commit to that person in any way, shape or form.

The fact that he thinks “true love” can be contained to a vacation makes me worry that he models his relationships after a Mary-Kate & Ashley movie. And on that note, we’ll have to wait until next week to see how this little admission of his blows up in his face. Until the finale!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); @roastceremony /Twitter (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: We Switched To Tuesday Nights For This?

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor in Paradise recap. Well, regular in the sense that I have recapped it despite ABC upending the very fabric of my being by moving all Bachelor-related content to Tuesday nights. There are only a few things I’m certain of in this life: death, taxes, and my right to watch filler-filled twentysomethings tarnish their family names for 120 minutes every Monday night. How dare you, ABC. 

Mess With The Bull, You Get The Horns

Speaking of audacity, let’s pick up where we left off last week, shall we? Chris and Alana have just been cast out from Paradise like whores from Babylon. Never mind that the true Judases, Pieper and Brendan, remain untouched by scandal. Look, all I’m saying is if tonight doesn’t end with Pieper and Brendan being tied down in the town square as residents of Paradise launch tomatoes and the dregs of Wells’ shitty cocktails at them for an Instagram Live, then there’s no justice in this world. Give the people what they want. 

Thank god for Demi, though, because she’s using her last two brain cells to put two and two together and is realizing Brendan did Natasha just as dirty as Chris did Jessenia. And if anyone gets to be the villain on this beach, it’s her. Don’t get it twisted. 

As we move into the third formal rose ceremony, Demi brings her argument to the Powers That Be: the last remaining single women… and Joe. Oh good, the council is convening. 

Demi starts pointing out the similarities between the Chris/Alana thing and Brendan/Pieper. She says that the only reason the guys haven’t chased Brendan off the beach with their pitchforks yet is because they like him more than they liked Chris. Say it louder for the people in the back, Demi!!

When Natasha starts in with her story, ABC frames it just right. I mean, I’ve seen less sad Humane Society commercials. They should have put her voice over a Sarah McLachlan track for maximum effect. 

And no one is more affected than Joe. He looks positively ill at being bamboozled by a boy who knows too much about the brand Revolve. Oh, sweetie. The dating apps would eat you alive.  

Does anyone else feel like Joe is the kind of guy who sprung fully-formed from his mother’s womb, complete with a five o’clock shadow, mortgage, and five teenage daughters to support? He was destined for this shit right here. He’s truly thriving with all of this drama. With every lurid accusation Natasha lobs against Brendan, Joe’s sighs get heavier and heavier. Everyone is tattling to daddy and now he has to dole out the punishment. 

JOE RN:

Next time he’s cracking skulls, y’all!

Joe leads his kindergarten class of enraged women to confront the happy couple. Brendan doubles down on his claim that he and Pieper definitely weren’t dating before Paradise, he only bought her ticket to Mexico, gave her a key to his apartment, and listed her as his emergency contact. But you can do that with buddies too, okay!! 

The crux of Brendan and Pieper’s argument is that they didn’t realize there were any rules to Paradise and thus, them showing up as a fully formed couple didn’t seem “wrong” to them. I don’t think there necessarily is a rule against coming on the show and thinking you might pursue a certain person. I don’t even think there’s a rule against having casually met that person IRL and then coming on the show to form a deeper connection. What’s wrong is how Brendan strung Natasha along for his personal gain. She flat-out asked him if he had a thing for Pieper and his response was the equivalent of calling her crazy. 

BRENDAN: We weren’t dating before, I barely knew her.
PIEPER: I knew him and I came here only for him
BRENDAN: 

My god, it’s actually stunning how bad Pieper is at PR. She simply cannot help but bury the two of them alive. At one point Brendan suggests they leave before the producers procure a date card for a cage diving with sharks excursion and accidentally forget to properly secure the cage, and she literally responds with: “I guess, but I would have liked the chance to stay so I could make more money.” It’s like she’s given up on all pretenses that she’s anything but the like-hungry friend my mother warned me about when I joined “Facebox” all those years ago. By all means, live your truth hunnie. 

What’s nuts is that the cast doesn’t even know the true depths to Brendan and Pieper’s treachery. Even now as they debate if they should or shouldn’t leave Paradise, they can’t seem to help but sabotage whatever scraps of their reputation they had left. Just wait until everyone hears these behind-the-scenes soundbites, kids.

PIEPER, GEN Z REPRESENTATIVE: I didn’t know it was taboo to use people for followers
JOE’S DELICATE MILLENNIAL SENSIBILITIES: 

 

In the end, Brendan and Pieper decide to leave. Brendan’s final words are that he never meant to mislead anyone, he just “intentionally withheld information.” And that, sir, is exactly the phrase Bachelor Nation will inscribe on your headstone! Good riddance. 

The Rest Of The Rose Ceremony

I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss the rest of the rose ceremony, however uneventful it felt after the dismissal of Dumb and Dumber back there. Whilst half of the contestants were off battling Brendan and Pieper for the soul of Paradise, Riley and Maurissa felt their presence was best used to recreate soft-core porn. I have never seen so many close-up shots of whipped cream, sand, and random body parts in all my life.

Look, Maurissa is stunning and for that fact alone there’s not much I wouldn’t watch her do, but I have to draw a line at sucking a grown man’s toe. The only person who should be that up close and personal to an ingrown toenail is your pedicurist, and even then, tongues should be left out of the equation entirely. Is nothing sacred to you people?! 

Moving on to the Tammy/Thomas/Becca love triangle. If you’ll recall, last week Becca politely asked Tammy’s permission to take Thomas on a date AND TAMMY SAID YES. I’m just not sure what Tammy’s game plan was here. As a child, did no one ever read to you If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? Well, if you give a hoe an inch, she will steal your man!

When Tammy confronts Thomas about his date, he basically tells her that Becca seems more stable. Do you mean more stable mentally?? Than Tammy does?? Bold to just say it to her face like that. Clearly he likes to live life on the edge. 

Lol Tammy is having the worst birthday of her life. First her eyelashes look about ready to take flight from her eyelids completely, and then Thomas straight-up dumps her. Look, speaking as a woman who was not only dumped on her birthday, but the dumping was also done whilst the guy was in mid-beer pong swing, I’m telling you, you will get over it. Look at me! It’s been 10 years since that particular offense and I can confidently say I only think about it every night right before bed and hold it against every man I ever meet. I’m a success story in the making!

Speaking of the rose ceremony, the line-up goes as such:

Fresh Meat

It’s a new day in Paradise, which means new men are rolling in! Blake arrives on the scene first and I’m starting to think that ABC is doing some sort of social experiment on all of us. Like, were these people actually contestants on the show or are you just hiring actors, slapping them with hot guy names, and telling us they “went home early during Clare’s season”? Is Blake one of Dale’s contacts from his Party City modeling days? Be honest with us, ABC. WHAT IS THE TRUTH? 

As if ABC can sense my skepticism hot on their trail, they nudge the contestants into acting like this “Blake” person is sooo well-known in Bachelor Nation that everyone just calls him “Tatty Daddy.” *Gags repeatedly*

And no one is stanning this stranger harder than Tia. She asked the lord to give her a man with tattoos and the lord delivereth. 

TIA: Tatty Daddy makes my vagina dance
TIA’S ACTUAL DADDY: 

Another new arrival this week: Joe. The other Joe. Doctor Joe. He hits it off with Natasha, which feels especially delicious given Brendan’s recent proclamations that no man would touch her with a 10-foot pole. 

Things were looking up for Natasha. Joe asked her on a date and even offered to drink the margarita with a bug floating in it. You won’t find that shit on the apps. But because we cannot have nice things, the date quickly takes a turn for the worse when it’s revealed that Joe and Brendan are in a committed broship. They have the friendship bracelets to prove it.  

Unfortunately, the two can’t get over the whole Brendan thing. Natasha was hoping to meet a man who would help her cast a curse on the next three generations of his lineage and instead she met a man who would rather do this:

 

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A post shared by Dr. Joe Park (@josephparkmd)

For shame, Joe. For shame. 

The final moments of the episode set us up for more Serena/Joe/Kendall drama next week. It appears that being marooned on a beach, watching your ex fall in love with a girl who thinks anything from the 1990s is “vintage”, is actually not great for your mental health. Shocking. Until next week!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (5); @josephparkmd /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Off With Their Heads!

Welcome back to the best Bachelor in Paradise recap you’ll ever read! It’s your lucky day, betches, because you’re getting two recaps in one. This of course has everything to do with convenience for you, dear readers, and nothing at all to do with me being so violently hungover from LDW that my stomach still turns if anyone even thinks the words “green tea shots” near my general vicinity. I do it all for you!

And I’m not the only one going hard for America. It looks like this week ABC stopped being polite and started getting real. Monday and Tuesday night’s episodes were truly wild. At one point I had the distinct thought that next the producers might let loose live tigers on the beach to eat them all alive. It would be a kindness at this point. 

THE BiP CAST MATES AT ANY POINT THIS WEEK:

There is A LOT to cover from the last two days so, for those of you looking for more of a highlights reel situation (the audacity), luckily for you, I got lazy. So without further ado:

Batshit Things That Happened That Were Only Mildly Entertaining

• Noah’s neck started to look like a Francesca’s clearance rack with the amount of delicate necklaces he’s accumulated
• Tituss Burgess took over as host and I’m not impressed (smite me, I dare you)
• Noah and Abigail’s love was rekindled (or at the very least, they have agreed to go back to being friends who politely kiss for the sake of roses)
• Tia lusted over Kenny
• Mari lusted over Kenny
• Demi lusted over Kenny
• Kenny lusted over himself for being a heartthrob for the first time since the original 90210 aired
• ABC threw a house party
Becca made the moves on Thomas

And now for the real dirt…

Hurricane Kendall: Continued

Monday night’s episode opens with Kendall returning to Paradise. For those of you newbies to BiP, Kendall and Joe met and fell in love on this very beach a few seasons back. I think I speak for all of us when I say her return is the most shocking thing to happen all season. And by “shocking,” I mean a producer orchestrated the entire scene to within an inch of its life. 

The first thing Kendall does is pull Joe aside for a “talk”, and it definitely feels like this conversation didn’t have to happen under such high stakes circumstances. Like, Kendall, whatever happened to getting blitzed on wine flights with your girlies, realizing three drinks in that you’re the last single one at the table and the only guy to get fresh with you recently had the hobbies of a stock photo person, drinking three more drinks, and then ending the night crying in a bathroom, scrolling through photos of your ex before finally finding the courage to leave a tear-stained voicemail on his phone that sounds suspiciously like Olivia Rodrigo song lyrics?? Be a normal person, okay!! You’re not better than us!

I can already tell that Kendall’s interference with Joe’s new relationship will have America wanting to skin her alive like one of her taxidermy babies, but honestly I’m on her side. Supposedly the reason they broke up was over logistics. He didn’t want to stay in LA, she didn’t want to move to Chicago. I’m getting the feeling that the breakup was a temporary move to prove a point, except neither of them caved. And yet here he is dating some Gossip Girl-named Gen-Zer who lives in a whole-ass other country. THE FACTS AREN’T ADDING UP, JOSEPH. 

Speaking of which, where does this leave Joe and Serena? While at first it very much seemed like Joe would like to have his cake and eat it too, in the end he decides to only pursue things with Serena. He admits that Kendall’s arrival is bringing up old feelings for him, but they’re done 100%, which is not really how he phrases it to Kendall, but okay pal. 

And look, it’s not that I’m rooting for Kendall, I’m just actively rooting for Joe to date someone his own age (hi). Sorry to all you #Jerena shippers, but that’s just the way the cookie is crumbling, okay!!

The First Rule About Influencing Is That You Don’t Talk About Influencing 

Every generation needs a Bonnie and Clyde, a hot couple to upend society and blow up their lives for our own entertainment. This season our Bonnie is a girl whose name is spelled like it’s a mistake and a guy whose love language is turtlenecks. Not really what we asked for, but if you’re looking for the end of civilization as we know it, I think it might start with any offspring spawned by these two (and, yes, I’m counting any Instagram couple accounts). 

Monday night we saw the return of Pieper. For weeks now, Brendan has been dogged by rumors that he and Pieper were dating prior to his coming to Paradise, and that he’s actually currently in a relationship with her. He, of course, denied the rumors and pledged his feelings to Natasha (if vague affirmations and minimal touching can be considered a “pledge”). Now we know that story was absolute bullshit. 

Pieper walks into Paradise and WITHOUT EVEN READING HER DATE CARD OR LOOKING AT ANOTHER HUMAN ON THE BEACH chooses Brendan for the date. Sus. Then we get to their date. Brendan is trying to play it off like the two of them just have some sort of instant connection. Meanwhile, Pieper is blowing their cover story to smithereens. 

PIEPER: Why are you acting like we don’t know each other? We’re dating. Here, let me say it 1,000 more times on camera. WE’RE DATINGGGGG.
BRENDAN:

And this, friends, is why you don’t enlist someone whose resume is just a link to their TikTok to assist you in your grift. 

Okay, these two are both garbage monsters who deserve to be banished to a remote cave until the end of their days. Why did they do this? For followers? An Us Weekly spread? A free trip to a mediocre Mexican resort with no air conditioning and a bartender whose “official training” included two hours of liking things on Pinterest? I repeat: I. don’t. get. it. 

And what’s worse than Brendan’s betrayal of Natasha or their outright disrespect for the fandom is how supremely bad they are at controlling their own narratives. Brendan fully admits to Pieper that he manipulated Natasha into keeping him around so he could wait for her to show up. He says this ON CAMERA. Like, do they understand they’re being recorded? Just because you yell “cut!” doesn’t mean the cameras have stopped rolling. 

And then there’s Natasha. She has been so chill and mature throughout this whole thing. I just really want her to give herself permission to set something ablaze. Instead of acting petty or starting hurtful rumors, she goes straight to the source. She asks Pieper outright if they were dating already and Pieper is like “yeah, but it’s not like we even made a vlog about it yet, so what’s the big deal??” A VLOG. It’s sickening. 

While Pieper’s confrontation with Natasha made me want to scream violently into the void, Brendan’s confrontation actually made me consider commenting on his mother’s Instagram to tell her, in detail, what kind of trash her son is. Did you raise him to behave like this??

Instead of coming clean or acting remotely remorseful, he chooses to emotionally bully Natasha into silence. I think at one point he says that he never had feelings for Natasha and that her own “selective hearing” is to blame if she ever thought that was the case.  

BRENDAN: She had no viable options other than me. I didn’t keep her from anyone here.
ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM: 

Wow, the producers really are trying to get this man killed. Brendan keeps acting like Natasha is not gorgeous and sweet and someone absolutely anyone with working eyes and ears would want to fuck. But by all means, continue to bury your IG stats alive…

Do you hear that?? The sound of Brendan’s popularity plummeting? #bachelorinparadiseabc

— The Betchelor🥀 (@betchelorpod) September 7, 2021

More than anything, the thing that cements their fates is how obvious they are about their clout-chasing. The morning after their date, the cameras pan to them lounging in (what they assume is) a secluded corner. To the delight of the producers they then proceed to dissect their Instagram stats and predict how their fake love story will result in better magazine coverage and sponsorship deals. On camera. While talking directly into their microphones. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, listen kids. The first rule of influencing IS THAT YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE INFLUENCING. YOU IDIOTS. 

What’s most infuriating is that they seemingly get away with their scam. When Natasha voices her frustrations about the situation to the other contestants, they mostly ignore her. The guys even openly side with Brendan.

By Tuesday’s episode, Brendan and Pieper’s clout-chasing is barely a plot line anymore. Instead, the focus shifts to Chris and Jessenia’s relationship, where Chris is accused, tried, and convicted of the very same crime Brendan and Pieper are guilty of. 

Let’s set the scene: One of Tituss’ first decrees as host is to invite a chosen few to a “VIP” party off site. “VIP” feels like a strong exaggeration of the vibe, given the high school gym setting and middle school dance flashbacks the scenery evokes. They might as well play Usher’s  “Yeah” and see how long it takes for these boys to pop an accidental boner in their khakis.

Side note: to emphasize the fact that ABC is done talking about the Natasha/Brendan/Pieper storyline, they don’t even invite our queen to their sad little house party. Like, if anyone on this planet deserves a drink rn…

NATASHA NOT GETTING INVITED TO THE VIP PARTY: 

The party creates maximum chaos for Jessenia and Chris. I wasn’t far off earlier when I mentioned ABC producers’ inclination to throw live tigers at these people. Sub out “tigers” for “random hoes” and the effect is about the same. That’s right, the moment the party begins, four new girls arrive on the scene to shake things up. Chris immediately hits it off with Alana, whom we are told is a person who was on this franchise at some point in her life. Seems fake, but okay.

Even though Alana has been in Mexico for less time than it takes to go through airport customs, Chris decides he’s in love and breaks things off with Jessenia. I tried to tell you, Jessenia. Never trust a boy with vocal fry. 

 

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Tbh, I barely even took notes during this section because it was so boring compared to the other drama that happened this week. But alas, this is what the people of Paradise choose to rally against. While Brendan and Pieper discuss which TikTok dance to use to debut their couple status, the rest of the contestants plan how to get away with Chris’ international murder.

Riley and Joe are at the forefront of this angry mob. Joe is talking like he knows people who could “handle” the situation. Just say the word, guys. Seriously. Say it. Though I appreciate them standing up for Jessenia, it feels a little hypocritical after Joe completely blew off Natasha’s concerns the night before. I mean, where is the outrage against Brendan?

Sure, Chris and Alana probably knew each other before filming. But I think it was more of a flirty crush and/or one-time hook up. I don’t think they were full-on dating like Brendan and Pieper clearly were. At the very least they gave a decent go at pretending to be strangers before the show. (Thank you for humoring us, btw). Their crimes feel juvenile in comparison. Chris is getting the backlash that Brendan and Pieper so clearly deserve, and it’s infuriating to watch. 

We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Natasha gets the justice she deserves. Until then I’ll just keep refining my manifesto that warns against the dangers of trusting men in skinny jeans. TTYL!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @thebetchelor /Twitter (1); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1)

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Have Your Cake And Set It On Fire, Too

Perhaps, instead of writing a full recap about what went down on the fourth episode of this season of Bachelor in Paradise, I could save us both a lot of time and show you a few images of burning heaps of garbage. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s actually an option, so I guess I’ll just have to unpack every disturbing detail of the first two of four hours of absolute chaos that ABC has chosen to impose upon us this week. It begins with a naked dude named Kenny shimmying in the opening credits, and to be honest, it’s really all downhill from there. 

Clearly, a year of doing little but scrolling through memes has done a lot for the contestants of BiP, who now cannot complete a full sentence without the phrases “woke up and chose chaos,” or “dumpster fire.” I can’t really blame them, though. The English language has little else to describe how messy this season has become. After the culmination of what has been described as the “perfect date,” Maurissa and Riley wake up in the Boom Boom Room. Obviously, Riley worked some magic up in there, because Maurissa leaves saying, “Connor is such a sweetheart. He’s amazing. But Riley? He is a dream man in my eyes. He’s an amazing kisser. And literally everything a woman needs. It completely blew me away.” I’m sure if this doesn’t work out, Riley will have no trouble finding someone in his DMs.

The morning kicked off as most mornings following a date in Paradise do: with sheer panic. The girls have the roses this week, but those who aren’t sure who to give them to are starting to look around at any other canoodling couple and consider it a personal attack. If this feels dramatic to you, just think back to precedented times and remember how horrified you felt any time you saw a couple kissing on the subway. Perhaps the girls can petition for a mask mandate to clamp down on the rampant PDA in Paradise

DEMI: Everyone is fricking married around here. 

(Which is, coincidentally, the exact same thing I say every time I open up Instagram on a Sunday morning.) 

The Ladies Get Some Fresh Meat

Two new dudes have entered Paradise, and it’s almost as though the producers are trying to get us to mix them up on purpose. They’re two pretty average guys with similar sounding names who you probably wouldn’t remember if the season they previously appeared on wasn’t literally written across the screen every time they spoke. Meet: Chris Conran and Chasen. And no, that’s not the name of the hedge fund responsible for Fyre Fest. 

CHRIS CONRAN: I was on Clare’s season. Just barely. Just a little dab. Just a touch of salt. 

And you know what? He’s right. I do not know this man. In the iconic words of Keke Palmer: “Sorry to this man.” 

What Chris lacks in relevancy, he makes up for in confidence and the “Can I steal you for a sec?” persistence. He has set his sights on Jessenia and has a plan to “scoop” her up. He also has a backup plan, and that includes running off into the sunset with Chasen. 

Chasen and Chris get a double date card (barf), which means they have to dabble in a bit of forced, sweaty flirting before they can decide who they’ll take with them. Chasen makes a beeline for Deandra, which obviously upsets Karl. Their chemistry is undeniable.

CHASEN: So, tell me about yourself. What brought you to Paradise?
DEANDRA: I like Paradise because everybody comes here with a common goal. 

Yeah… to get laid and gain Instagram followers?

Next, Chasen pulls Mari aside for a chat, and Kenny starts to sweat as much as a man who refuses to wear clothing physically can. Mari and Chasen’s conversation is honestly pretty snoozy, and consists primarily of Mari throwing out a lot of words that end in “ing” in an attempt to define her non-relationship with Kenny, such as “vibing,” “talking,” and “conscious not officially, but also not unofficially, coupling.” 

Chasen and Chris head off on their double date, which is Kama Sutra themed. Chris brings Jessenia, and Chasen brings Deandra. Deandra explains that although she normally hates to be touched, getting essentially felt up by Chasen made her “very relaxed” and “more than pleasantly surprised.” Well, okay then! Jessenia also seems to be quite taken by her date… for some inexplicable reason.

CHRIS: Every chance I get tonight, I’m going to steal you away.
JESSENIA

What does this man have to offer that is not coming through on screen? Genuinely would love to know, because personally, I would not respond to a thinly veiled kidnapping threat with the same energy I’d use to reply to a passive-aggressive text from a roommate asking me to do the dishes.

Back at the beach, Demi is laying down the groundwork for a Plan B if Chris and Jessenia’s date goes well. While she swirls a mimosa around in one hand, she tells Ivan that he should start talking to some of the other women as a backup. Honestly… that’s a great game strategy. It’s a shame that Demi naturally has such villainous delivery, because it sounded pretty evil. 

In Which Mari Gets a Lesson in Casual Dating 

Clearly, Mari’s conversation with Chasen sparked a little fire in her, because it immediately prompts another conversation with Kenny in which she basically tells him that she would like to have her cake and eat it too. 

MARI: I want to see other people.
ALSO MARI: I think things with Kenny might be a little awkward. 

Mari’s suggestion to “open” things up definitely upsets Kenny, who reflects, “This is the first time I’m sensing that she’s not feeling as strong as I was. Why not say it’s completely done, then? If you want to be totally open, let’s be totally open.” And you know what? I’m kind of obsessed with Kenny’s logic that an open relationship is synonymous with a breakup. It seems like the kind of miscommunication that’s going to give us episodes worth of drama. 

After telling Kenny she’s trying to play the field, Mari has a discussion with Demi, which is where things really go left. Demi provides some more sound advice that comes across as evil because she’s, well, Demi. She tells Mari, “we should all be dating each other,” and then in a confessional moment seconds later, exclaims, “Sorry, I’m goin’ for your mans!” 

Once Mari catches wind of Demi and Kenny’s shenanigans (read: once Mari looks over at them, because all of the events of this show play out in like, an area the size of a tennis court), she’s furious. She seems to genuinely have believed that telling Kenny that she’s interested in seeing other people would make him think she’s playing hard to get, and is now truly shocked that it backfired, and I don’t know what else to say about that. It’s kind of like watching the milk crate challenge. Like, yes, of course I want it to work. I really want to see someone pull it off successfully. But at the end, everyone ends up with the sharp corner of a milk crate up their butt. And that’s just science. 

Male Rompers Are Back

Connor B., knowing that Maurissa had just been on a date the night before, decides it’s time to step it up if he’s going to get that rose. He throws on a matching set (or perhaps a romper; I cannot confirm the intricacies of Connor B.’s drip) and makes his way over to invite Maurissa on a DIY date. I’d give anything to hear the behind-the-scenes conversation Connor B. had with a producer that was like, “Can I have a date card? No? How about some craft supplies? Cool, cool, cool.” 

Unfortunately, Connor does not know that Maurissa made a little trip to the Boom Boom Room before wasting the best outfit he packed. Ya hate to see it. This leads to a downward spiral in which Connor describes himself as “just the friendly guy who everybody likes,” and yup, I’m crying. 

Next, we get an appearance from guest host Lance Bass, who does a little wellness check on Natasha. Natasha says she’s definitely feeling where things are going with Brendan, but that the intimacy is lacking—as if this is year three of marriage and not episode four of a television show. Lance suggests Natasha make a move on Brendan. (Side note: Does Lance Bass’s southern accent feel… stronger than usual? Is he hanging out with Jax and Brittany again?)

Natasha proceeds to give Brendan a very sweaty massage. I’ll hold off on the commentary here, and just let you know exactly how it went down, because I truly don’t have words for this one.

NATASHA: *Massaging Brendan*
BRENDAN: I’m the sweatiest man in America.
NATASHA: We’re not in America.
BRENDAN AND NATASHA: *Kiss*

And Now For a Slew of Relationships That Must Be Defined

After making the very astute observation that “Everyone on the beach seems to be breaking up,” Serena P. uttered the words that will likely curse her relationship with Grocery Store Joe and said, “But Joe and I are going strong.” On BiP, “going strong” means headed to a romantic date in a dark auditorium with a dinner table set up in the middle of a wrestling ring to discuss why Joe seems so miserable. 

SERENA: I feel like in Paradise… You hate it here.
JOE: You’re warm. 

Joe continues to be the most relatable man on this beach. He explains that he kind of hates Paradise because if he’s “not going to meet someone,” he doesn’t really want to be sleeping in a bunk bed in a room with no air conditioning. Fair! They ultimately decide that they’re “100% all in” on finding that with each other. After defining the relationship, Joe says, “It’s time to have fun.” Um, do you guys know you’re on Bachelor in Paradise? There is an entire team of people whose full time job relies on you guys not “having fun” after defining the relationship. But please, proceed. 

Serena P and Grocery Store Joe

Speaking of defining relationships, Karl decides to throw a Hail Mary pass and pulls Deandra aside for a talk. He gives Deandra a charm bracelet he bought in Miami. He’s trying to position this stunt as spur-of-the-moment, but he clearly bought all of the charms before he even had a “connection” with Deandra. Honestly, I’d tell you more about the bracelet and what each charm represents if it wasn’t obvious he just rolled into a Pandora store in an airport. At best, this thing is an Alex and Ani. 

Over at the beach, the rest of the cast members are enjoying a little bonfire. Which means it’s time for Demi to ruin the mood, of course. She shows up with a cake she made for Kenny because he spent his 40th in quarantine and makes everyone awkwardly sing happy birthday to him. Then, Demi hits us with a perfectly rehearsed line and says, “Let them eat cake!” before dragging Kenny to a secondary location (which, please never forget, is statistically the point at which you are more likely to be murdered). Demi has decorated a little party set up for Kenny, which includes a piñata full of condoms, to which I say: damn, production will really do anything for Demi. From bringing Kristian in for her last season, to setting up this weird belated birthday party, they’ll go to no end to make sure this girl has the tools to stir the pot. 

While Demi and Kenny are off celebrating, Mari grabs the cake and throws it in the fire… which honestly is the least interesting thing she could have done. 3/10. 

Mari pulls Demi aside for a little confrontation, which again leads us to another gem from Demi that would actually be sound logic if she didn’t deliver it like a Disney villain laying out their grand scheme to take over the world. 

MARI: Earlier today, I confided in you, and now you’re going for Kenny.
DEMI: Well, you said you guys were being open, so why can’t I date him?
MARI: He says he wants to fuck me.
DEMI: I… also want to fuck people?
MARI: So, you’re okay being a second option?
DEMI: No, we’re… all just… dating people here. 

Mari short-circuits at this reminder that you don’t have to get engaged to someone the second you decide you’re “vibing” with them, and basically just tells Demi that she threw the cake in the fire and storms off. 

Kenny actually is handling the situation quite maturely, which I guess I shouldn’t be giving him so much credit for because the man is literally 40. He tells Mari that everything with her has become “too toxic” and that he’d like to move on. 

The episode ends with a dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED” screen while all of the Paradise dwellers run around and set small fires. We also get a little tease of Demi and Kenny entering the Boom Boom Room, and a moment in which Demi says she is “fully prepared to just be massacred out here.” And that’s on self-awareness! 

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC (2); Giphy; Tenor

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Torture Continues

For those of you who missed Monday night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise, well then, you missed one helluva rose ceremony. I say “helluva” because I’m convinced this show is actually hell on Earth and my own personal Bad Place for that one time I wrote “call Ashley for a good time” on the bathroom stall in middle school. That’s the only reasonable excuse for ABC’s subjecting us all to watch Instagram’s version of Capitol people chug bottom shelf tequila for four hours in two days. 

More evidence that blasted patch of sand might be haunted by some sort of demonic entity? Connor—ukulele-playing, paw licking, sh*t at tongue-kissing, Connor—somehow managed to pair up with certified smoke show Maurissa. If that’s not an indicator that some sort of biblical tragedy is about to befall us all, then I’m not sure what is. 

But nothing gave off more of a sense of wrongness than watching Demi “I Made Bachelor Nation My Bitch” Burnett face romantic rejections she didn’t orchestrate herself for what must be the first time in her entire life. Have you ever seen a gazelle turn around and disembowel a lion? If you had, would it not conjure up images of the end of days? That’s what it felt like watching Demi get rejected by Brendan. And Connor. And Aaron. And every other guy on that damn island.

Demi came into Paradise with the same energy I bring to a “casual girl’s night” after showing up in my sluttiest Shein top, ready to get smacked off of half-priced bottles of wine. In other words, chaotic. She was ready to burn bridges and hair extensions and she didn’t care who knew it. But while she talked a big game, she only just narrowly escaped elimination after conning Jordan—sorry, James—into giving her a “friendship” rose. How cute. 

I can’t wait to see what else Mike Fleiss the devil has planned for us tonight! 

Fresh Meat 

Speaking of, this week it’s ladies choice, which means new men and fresh meat are rolling into Paradise. I use the term “fresh meat” because watching the women prepare themselves for the incoming testosterone was like something out of a Scared Straight episode. I have never seen so much lip licking and chest puffing in my life.

The new host is the first to grace us with his presence. The contestants are called to attention at the gathering gazebo, where they stumble upon a boom box with a note that reads: “play me.” First of all, I think it’s cute that ABC thinks these barely-out-of-their-tweens contestants actually know what that relic from the past is, let alone how to play music on it. Perhaps Grocery Store Joe can shed some light on how we used to listen to music in the dark days before streaming services?

ABC: 

THE CONTESTANTS: 

“Bye, Bye, Bye” starts playing, and they all look a little too well-versed in the lyrics, if you know what I mean. Like, I’m sure these girls and boys have bought an *NSYNC T-shirt from Urban Outfitters’ “vintage” section, but I’m not at all convinced their knowledge of the band goes beyond that reference point. Only Kenny lights up like a kid on Christmas. I can’t wait for him to be over-served on margaritas and reminisce about the time he stuck his band manager business card down Lance Bass’ pants in ‘99. 

That’s right, kids, Lance Bass is the new host for this week! The cast seems only mildly impressed by Lance’s frosted blue tips before turning their attentions back to whatever keto-friendly beverage they’re in the midst of guzzling.

Thomas also makes an appearance this week. That’s right: the Thomas. Mr. I’m Here For Likes Not Love, himself. And boy, did he make a splash. Almost immediately, the guys start acting like sociopathic cave men, hiding the women from a prehistoric predator. Aaron is like, “Thomas is manipulative but I’m confident none of the women will fall for his charm.” I’m sorry, but have you met women? That’s kind of our love language. 

WHAT THE MEN ARE SAYING: He needs to be taught a lesson.
WHAT THE WOMEN ARE HEARING:

Thomas sets his sights on Serena P. and, honestly, I’m not convinced it’s a bad thing. I genuinely think Joe is way too old for Serena. The fact that he’s entertaining this whole thing at all is making me lose so much respect for him. I mean, MY GOD, my car is as old as their age gap—and I’ve had that thing since 2008! This is why I’m single, y’all. Men my own age are dating women born the same year I attended an *NSYNC concert at the Greensboro Coliseum. 

More evidence that Serena is way too young for Joe: when asked why she decided to go on a date with Thomas, she acknowledged that she will probably see some red flags but—and I quote—“he’s super hot, so whatever.” You’re right. She does seem like wife material, Joey. 

Thomas does little during their date to prove he’s not a giant POS. For starters, he wears shorts that hug every crevice of his penis and subtly thrusts his pelvis whenever a camera is near. Also probably not a good idea? Actively reading from your burn book instead of wooing the woman in front of you. Thomas attempts to explain the rumors that have plagued his journey on the franchise and, naturally, this blows up in his face. Honestly, if he had just stuck to flexing his abs and flashing those dimples instead of airing his dirty laundry, then maybe Serena wouldn’t have been so turned off by him. Play to your strengths, buddy, and character is not your strength. 

Meanwhile, Joe is handling this about as well as I do reading the comments on my own articles. Not well, bitch! By the time Serena comes back from her date, I’m not convinced there will be anything left of Joe beyond a sweaty bandana and a mist of anxiousness and desperation clouding the air near the general vicinity of where he was standing. 

In the end, Serena decides to skip the drama and stick with her old man. She got her hot make-out session on the beach, that’s really all Thomas was good for anyway. 

Thomas’ Group Date

Poor Thomas. He thought he was going to be taking long, romantic walks on the beach with some newly humbled hot girls. Instead the only long, romantic walks he’s taking are with every man on this beach. Instead of focusing on, say, wooing the women around them and surviving the next rose ceremony, the guys have put all of their focus and energy on Thomas. 

Is it just me or is the tension almost a little… sexual? Especially the vibes between Aaron and Thomas. Like, Aaron could give a sh*t what Tammy does all day, but if Thomas even breathes in someone else’s general vicinity he’s ready to throw hands. Look, I read a lot in the haters-to-lovers trope and I’m telling you right now that if you lock these boys in a room with a pitcher of margaritas, magic is bound to happen. Just sayin’…

AARON: *says literally anything about Thomas*
ME: Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

It’s okay, boys! You know you want to. 

Thomas realizes he needs to make amends with the guys if he ever wants to get his dick wet on this beach again. He apologizes, and the group begrudgingly accepts. This tenuous truce lasts about as long as it takes for Wells to mix a drink. Tahzjuan does not like how easily the boys resolved their issues. She would also like to see them kiss. It takes her all of five minutes to start stirring the pot again. She tells Tre that she heard from Serena P that Thomas said Tre was emotionally immature and needed to be protected. Christ, that was a doozy. 

Tre confronts Thomas and tells him he knows what he said to Serena on their date and he’s DONE WITH HIM, OKAY. This is the last time he will ever be speaking to Thomas unless he blacks out at happy hour and drunk dials him to ask where it all went wrong. Again I say, the sexual tension on this beach is goddamn electric

Mr. Steal Yo Girl

In the midst of the Thomas/Serena/Joe/Tre/Aaron drama, Riley and his biceps make their grand entrance into Paradise. For those of you who need a refresher (I know I did), Riley was the cute lawyer from Tayshia’s season. His entrance is punctuated by every woman within 20 feet of him becoming weak-kneed and wet at the sight of an attractive man with a stable job. Same, ladies. Same.  

Riley’s arms are the main character #bachelorinparadise

— 𝐤𝐚𝐲𝐲𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲 (@kayyorkcity) August 25, 2021

Riley scores a date card and asks Maurissa to accompany him. For the past two episodes, Maurissa has been attached at the face to Connor in a way that definitely doesn’t at all feel like a cry for help. So, like, I feel as if this will be good for her. By the way, Connor is feeling fine, absolutely great, excited even, for Maurissa to go on this date. Sure, Jan.

If there were any doubts in our mind that Connor shouldn’t, in fact, be shaking, it’s reinforced when Maurissa shows up for the date wearing what can only be described as leopard print floss. Damn, that woman is hot. I mean, jaws dropped at her entrance—mine included. Meanwhile, Connor is looking at her like he’s never seen that much exposed skin on a human woman in his life. Poor little buddy.

Even though there’s clear chemistry between Riley and Maurissa, ABC does their best to cock-block the couple. Happiness on this show? Never heard of her. They gift them with a romantic dinner out, but instead of food, they are served the contents of the Paradise villa’s pool filters. 

MAURISSA: I’ve never been on a real date before!
THE DATE: 

Oh, honey. 

I’m not sure what Maurissa and Riley did in a past life to deserve this date, but unless they tried to bake Hansel and Gretel in an oven, they deserved better. Lance tells them that the game is simple: answer his questions or eat whatever monstrosities ABC’s most sociopathic intern was able to cook up with a hotplate.

The questions range from tame (“have you ever slid into a celebrity’s DMs?”) to gross and sexist (“how many people have you slept with?”). At first they seem to only be answering questions that make them look good, but then Maurissa gets bold by answering the “how many times a day do you masturbate question” with an overly enthusiastic “every day!” 

*cue every married man in America turning terrified eyes to his wife, wondering if she does the same* 

And the rest is history! Riley seems absolutely smitten. He heard “I’m deeply sexual” and was like “the hunt is over!” Though their sexual chemistry is palpable, they also connect on a deeper level. They both express wanting to settle down and have kids in the future. Maurissa talks about a time in her life when she experienced a large weight gain and the impact that had on her confidence and relationships. Riley tells her that her “soul lights up a room” and then proceeds to light the rest of her up in the boom boom room. 

THE BOOM BOOM ROOM?! YOU GUYS. This isn’t the Shore House! Have some respect.

I will say ABC, deserves a goddamn Emmy for that camera work at the end of the episode. They sliced together scenes of Connor strumming along on his ukulele, reading song lyrics from his sad handwritten book, and paired it with Maurissa’s moans and flashes of Riley’s biceps.

You’re scum, ABC, but I love it. Until next time!

Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; ABC (2); @kayyorkcity /Twitter (1); Giphy (3)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Smells Like Desperation

If you’re reading this, you’ve officially outlived David Spade’s stint as a temporary celebrity host on season 7 of Bachelor in Paradise. (Please don’t pat yourself on the back. This is a loss for all of us.) As all BiP viewing veterans should know, we have now entered the most lawless part of a season: the final push before the first Rose Ceremony where contestants without a confirmed rose start to lose their fucking minds. 

This particularly cursed episode opens with Demi—who arrived in Paradise at the end of last week’s premiere—choosing violence. Those who haven’t been following along with her life on social media since she got engaged to her then-girlfriend Kristian on Season 6 of BiP (and by “those,” I mean Brendan) are provided with a quick update. 

DAVID SPADE: So… you got engaged. What happened with that?
DEMI: Well, we got un-engaged. Hello? 

Proving that they are truly the male and female versions of each other, Demi and David Spade have a quick little moment in which they both thrive off the drama they know she’s about to bring to the beach. He hands her a first date card and says, “Looking forward to the chaos,” and Demi gets on her merry way to make the rest of the contestants sweat more than they already have been in this Mexican heat. She’s definitely getting the villain edit this season (which I guess is hardly an edit when it’s self-orchestrated), which sucks for Goddess Victoria, who clearly thought she was a shoe-in for that role. 

A Healthy Dose of Date Card Drama

Right off the bat, Demi invites Connor B. to “go for a chat,” and he immediately loses his ability to play it cool by essentially foaming at the mouth when he realizes she knows his first name. They bond over cats (because Connor B. famously arrived to Katie Thurston’s season in a full-on cat costume), which would have been a snoozefest of a scene had Demi not sprinkled her own little brand of chaos into the mix. She tells Connor B. that she has seven cats, then immediately admits that she only has three, but that she always tells people she has seven because it sounds more impressive. Truly a landmark moment for dog people everywhere. Shockingly, this conversation doesn’t seem to seal their fate as star-crossed lovers, so Demi ditches him for a chat and hand-holding session with Brendan. She then decides she’d like to go on a date with Brendan, which sends Natasha (who was previously feeling pretty secure in her ability to snatch up Brendan’s rose this week) into a downward spiral. 

NATASHA: I’m feeling like I need a little alone time.
NATASHA: *THROUGH LOTS OF TEARS* I’m FINE. 

Brendan and Demi go through your typical BiP date of making out and jet skiing, so it seems to be going as well as a forced televised interaction could go, which of course means shit’s about to hit the fan. Demi admits to knowing that she wanted to get with Brendan since she saw photos of him, to which he’s like, “I didn’t know you existed until a few hours ago.” He then proceeds to tell her that although he’s having a great time, he’s weighing all other options, particularly the ones that do not include spending the rest of his life with Demi. 

Demi handles the rejection like any reasonable person with an IMDb page full of reality television credits would: absolutely horribly. She commits to becoming Hurricane Demi, but Brendan, being your standard millennial man living through the worst climate crisis in the history of mankind, is pretty unfazed by that, and figuratively carries out his plans to vacation in an area that’s under extreme flood watch. 

Back at the beach, everyone’s gossiping about the fact that Brendan is potentially in a relationship (you know, out in the real world) with Pieper from Matt’s season. We then get a quick pulse check on Natasha, which reveals that she is, in fact, doing considerably worse than she was when we first discovered she was in a downward spiral. 

Serena C., Victoria L., and Kelsey the Champagne Girl proceed to mope around the beach because they know their shot at love (and higher #sponcon rates) is probably going to be over soon, since they have yet to secure roses. Victoria P. decides to go for James, even though she cannot remember his name. She admits that she’ll know she’s with the right person when she “gets the chills,” which unfortunately has yet to happen. To which I say: Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s*. 

*A beach resort in Mexico that is intentionally not air-conditioned to promote chaos between contestants. 

And Now, For A Genuine Moment Between Two People We’re Actually Rooting For

As I mentioned earlier, the second episode of a season of Paradise is the closest thing reality television has to purgatory, but this time, the producers give us a refreshing break. In what is potentially one of the most authentic conversations the Bachelor franchise has ever aired, Jessenia and Ivan use the second date card of the episode as an opportunity to actually get to know one another on a deeper level in a way that does not involve water sports, surface-level discussions, or dry humping in a cabana. During an intimate dinner, the pair have a conversation about their shared experience confronting racism in the Bachelor franchise

Ivan acknowledges that, although his decision to tackle tough conversations on TV certainly wasn’t easy, it must have been especially difficult for Jessenia because “people tend to be harder on women.” Are we experiencing an intersectional moment on Bachelor in Paradise?! I never thought we’d see the day. These two proceed to be excellent communicators together, and prove that they’ve got what it takes to be open and honest with their intentions with one another. Here’s to hoping the producers can (for the first time in history) put aside their obsession with messiness to allow an actually good thing to happen for once. 

Well, Well, Well. How The Turn Tables…

Demi retreats from her disastrous date with Brendan to tell the rest of the girls that although it was an extremely “sexual” experience, she is now out for blood. They decide this feels like a good time to fill Demi in on the Pieper rumors, and she absolutely loses her mind when she discovers that Brendan has “wasted her time” by making out with her on a date SHE invited HIM on… as if she did not just come off a season of this same exact show in which she was hanging out with Derek, only to reveal that she had been hitting it off with Kristian at home. Make it make sense! <sarcasm> I’m sure when the producers inevitably bring Pieper to Paradise, Demi will handle it just as honorably as Derek did when Kristian arrived at the beach and eventually got engaged to Demi. </sarcasm> 

Brendan doesn’t have much to say about the Pieper drama, but he does tell Natasha that he has the “strongest connection” with her. IDK, something about a man who just admitted to wanting to keep his options open in conversation with a woman he was making out with telling me that I’m his favorite of the three ladies he’s been tied to lately feels… not great? It also seems as though the producers are trying to recreate the Blake and Caelynn drama from last season, but unfortunately, “the Brendan and Pieper” drama just doesn’t have the same ring to it as Stagecoach-gate did. 

Elsewhere, Victoria P. is trying to learn more about James by asking him questions like “what is your first name?” and “when you get up in the morning, do you pee outside? Or do you pee inside?” While she’s conducting this class-A interrogation, Tammy is doing what she does best: getting involved in everyone else’s drama instead of creating her own storyline. As if this hasn’t already ended horribly for her personally before, I urge this woman to watch just like, ONE episode of any reality show ever. Serving as a plot device in someone else’s story is never the way to finding love and/or becoming a household name. She decides to stir up some drama by revealing that Victoria P. has a boy back in Nashville and is just trying to secure a rose for fame. (For those who are new to Bachelor Nation, the scientific term for this is, “here for the wrong reasons.”) 

All of us upon learning that someone would go on a reality show for fame:

surprise

Vaguely Notable Moments From The First Cocktail Party

Next, Bartender Wells sets us up for the first cocktail party of the season, which is really just an elaborate way for producers to remind us that although the majority of this two-hour episode has been spent harping on drama between like, four people, there are a bunch of other contestants you may have forgotten about. Some key takeaways here include: Noah has a lot of necklaces on and is in a “good place” with Abigail, Ivan and Jessenia are being adorable, Tahzjuan is still sweating, and Kenny finally put some pants on. 

Serena C. then gives us one of the cringiest moments thus far by freestyling for Aaron while he beatboxes in an attempt to be “more creative” in her pursuit of love. While I would have loved to provide you with the full lyrics of her freestyle, I unfortunately had no choice but to spike my laptop across the room and duck and cover when she opened with the line, “I’m going to do my best to keep this classy, I just want you to know I’m a little bit sassy.” I can, however, report that at one point she rhymed something with the phrase “sit on your face.” 

Tammy takes a quick break from trying to ruin everyone else’s time to get her rose situation back in order. Shortly after Serena C. and Aaron finish their awkward interaction, Tammy literally mounts him, and Aaron tells America that he has a boner. Lovely. When Tammy is finished with that, she returns to her campaign of telling everyone that Victoria P. has a boyfriend at home and is a “rose chaser.” Kelsey the Champagne Girl gets in on the mess, too, probably because the Champagne Girl schtick is starting to get old. Tammy goes straight to James to deliver the news, and honestly, if everyone didn’t look so sweaty, I would jump into the TV and give him a hug.

TAMMY: You don’t mean anything to Victoria.
JAMES: 🥺

James confronts Victoria P. about the rumors, and she maintains that although she dated someone from February until May, they broke up before she came to Paradise, and he “encouraged to get into this with an open heart.” This sounds a lot like when Jed from Hannah Brown’s season had a fame-thirsty girlfriend at home. I am truly just begging the Bachelor franchise to give us new drama. I’ve had enough of aspiring country singers and Nashville influencers trying to scheme ways to become relevant. Even though Victoria P. seems to have an alibi, James takes the opportunity to mention some of the other red flags he’s noticed. 

JAMES: You don’t know my first name.
VICTORIA P: This is a lot.
TAMMY, WHO HAS SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT TRYING TO GET SOMEONE WHO IS NOT EVEN GOING AFTER THE SAME MAN AS HER SENT HOME: You can’t fix a manipulative person. 

As we’re nearing the end of the episode and need some kind of filler drama before we can see how the Rose Ceremony shakes out, Tahzjuan decides to confront Victoria L., because simply looking at the goddess stresses her out. She tells Victoria L. that she thinks she’s “going back to her old ways,” and that she doesn’t appear to be genuine. Victoria L. delivers a brilliantly engineered, Real Housewives-inspired response and says, “I really feel bad that you’re trying to create something.” It doesn’t really go much further than that, TBH. 

After realizing fighting an uphill battle is kind of a lot of work, Victoria P. makes the decision to head home. In the limo, she says, “I realized I don’t have to search for what I already have at home,” which I guess confirms that… she does have a boyfriend? Cool, cool, cool. James makes an announcement to the group to let everyone know that Victoria P. has left.

DEMI: I’m going for James. F*ck it. 

Demi admits it was “silly” of her to get so worked up over how she was going to find a rose by the end of the night. Kelsey’s still pretty certain that she’s going to end up with James’ rose, but I’d like to remind her that never in the HISTORY of the Bachelor franchise has playing the “this girl is here for the wrong reasons!” card worked in anyone’s favor. Usually, it ends up proving that the alleged wrong-reasoner is being sketchy, but also that the finger-pointer is obsessed with drama and too irrelevant to have their own legitimate storyline. 

The First Rose Ceremony

As always, the Rose Ceremony kicks off with a pairing-up of all the couples who seem like they could actually make something work. Here’s how it goes down: 

Ivan chooses Jessenia, noting, “We have a great foundation going, and I’d love to continue nurturing that.” I smell Neil Lane Couture!

Noah chooses Abigail. Although she previously hinted that she loves to friend-zone, Abigail admits that she’s “surprised how quickly” she’s developing a relationship with Noah. 

Grocery Store Joe chooses Serena P. I’m thrilled these two have already seemingly mastered the art of sitting their asses on the beach and staying out of drama while everyone else burns their futures to the ground. 

Connor B. chooses Maurissa

Tre chooses Tahzjuan

Karl chooses Deandra

Brendan chooses Natasha while Demi nervously stares into the void

Aaron chooses Tammy

Kenny chooses Mari

With one rose left for James to give out, Kelsey has a borderline medical emergency, and naturally, Demi thinks she’s faking it in a last-ditch effort to get the rose. Personally, I feel like it’s probably a HIPAA violation for me to comment on that one. James gives Demi his rose, which I’m sure was probably a decision a producer bribed him to make by rewarding him with a few minutes of air conditioning access. 

KELSEY (WHILE LEAVING): I’m not going to try super hard to force a connection.
ALSO KELSEY: *Essentially established a shit-talking MLM pyramid scheme to get Victoria P. sent home.*

Perhaps the greatest loss we’ve collectively suffered this episode is the elimination of Victoria L. I think she still had a lot of great one-liners and GIF-worthy moments in her, and I hope we get to see her again, someday. Although, her exit was pretty epic when she literally let the door hit her on the way out.

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Why Isn’t This The Finale?

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Friends, I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. When the episode began I was so excited, so blessed, because I thought that after today my life was my own again. No more Tuesday nights chained to my couch, worshipping at the altar that is ABC. I could finally make plans! I could go out! I could watch that episode of SVU again! I could go to bed early! The possibilities were endless and beautiful. But most of the way through this episode I thought to myself, “it sure seems weird that they’d pack fantasy suites and proposals all into nine minutes.” And now I am devastated, because it turns out that just because you hope something is the finale, does not make it so. So here we are, just a bunch of idiots, watching the second-to-last episode of Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s get on with it, then.

On last night’s third-to-last episode of BiP (no, I’m never letting this go), Caelynn rode off into the sunset in Dean’s van, Old Matt Donald couldn’t remember the new girl’s name, Kristina finally got her revenge on Blake for Stagecoach, and they both went home.

It’s daytime on the beach and everyone is discussing the end of Paradise. JPJ is feeling pressure over what to do about Tayshia and is making predictions about what will happen with all the couples. This is fun, I also have a prediction. Here it is: All the couples will eventually break up, they will use their Z-list fame to promote fit tea/start a podcast/write a book and then fade into oblivion when a YouTube star steals their spotlight. Just a hunch!

Haley asks Demi if she would be ready for an engagement and Demi looks like Haley just dared her to bite the head off a dead frog. Kristian is stressed about it and venting her frustrations to Katie and Hannah. Katie gives her a hug, and uh-oh, is she flirting with other girls again?! That Kristian really gets around.

Demi and Kristian are having a serious chat about their feelings and yet they’re not even looking at each other. It’s like what happens when I ask my puppy if she knows how much it hurts me when she deliberately pees on my shoes. Demi says she wants to get engaged and she wants to be with Kristian but she is still worried about what people will think if they see them kissing on the street.

I have a feeling that Tayshia and JPJ aren’t going to work out. Their serious conversation goes a little like this:

JPJ: I think we’re on the same página
Tayshia:

I know fake laughter when I see it, because I do it every day at work.

Hannah and Dylan get a date card and it appears this date will consist of attending a birthday party for a Mexican child? This poor thing. I hope the producers slipped him a pile of cash. Although, if this is what they’re doing for dates now, are they all out of cash?

After they sing “Happy Birthday,” take pictures of the kids, and show them how to Facetune their bodies into the perfect hourglass shape, Dylan tells Hannah he is in love with her. She says it back. Sure.

Then Dylan tries to speak Spanish and it’s so embarrassing. The American education system has failed him. He tells people that “My name is Hannah!” That alone would make me break up with him and enter witness protection.

Back on the beach, Connor, the only person that should still be invited to a child’s birthday party, tells us that he met Whitney at the wedding and that he’s into her. Does he know she’s not on this show? You can’t “only be on Paradise” for someone that isn’t there! Also, I think they should have just filmed this whole season at that wedding. I’m sure that show would have it all! People sleeping together, people puking in their sheets, people pretending this marriage will last longer than five months, people looking at Blake in disgust. THAT’S a show I would watch.

Connor says if Whitney doesn’t come down the stairs he is just going to leave Paradise. Well yeah, the show is over, so they’re going to make you leave, sweetie. It’s about time for freshman year to start, anyway.

It seems the producers heard Connor’s wails of desperation, because they are sending Whitney to meet him. At the same time, Connor decides to leave because Whitney isn’t there. It’s just like the Gift of the Magi! Except instead of being a beautiful story about love and sacrifice, it’s about two semi-undressed Instagram groupies just missing each other.

Production lets Connor grab his bookbag, get on the big yellow school bus, and let the wheels go round and round all the way home, despite the fact that Whitney is en route. I love that the producers are doing this. If they are not instruments of the Devil then they surely are just on lots of cocaine.

Whitney walks in with her date card and Sydney is like “ohhhhhh sh*t, yeah he went home.” Whitney decides to chase after him. I imagine it will go a little like that scene in Love, Actually, only with less clothes and no real feelings involved.

Apparently they put Connor in a hotel before sending him home? HOW CONVENIENT. Whitney tells him that she chased after him. Wow, they get to be together and be in air conditioning, they played this right. They make out on the balcony and I’m so happy that their drunken connection at a pretend TV wedding has brought them together. True love does exist!

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Here’s to last-minute love! 🥂❤️ #BachelorInParadise

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Clay and Nicole go on a date. Clay says they’ll need to talk logistics, and wow, this is getting so romantic so fast. Clay thinks that he can possibly get to a place where he would maybe eventually at some time in the very distant future get a two-bedroom apartment with Nicole if it’s big enough.

And then Nicole tells him she’s falling for him. Clay looks like someone put eyedrops in his drink and the effects are starting to reach his digestive system. But he also manages to mumble reluctantly that he is falling in love with her. Then they dance to a serenade and Clay kisses Nicole to stifle his screams.

Tayshia pulls JPJ aside and says she has something serious to discuss. No, it’s not about their future. No, it’s not about the meaning of life. It’s about JPJ stuffing his dick into a tiny denim speedo. But of course. And then she draws him like one of her French girls.

They’re trying to recreate Titanic, and if I didn’t already hate that movie I’d be pretty pissed. Is this supposed to be hot? Because all I can think about is how long it will take me to get my sex drive back after watching this.

If I may say so, she did not do a good job.

To top it all off, they stand on the balcony and JPJ shouts that he’s king of the world. Neither one of them falls. Pity.

Chris and Katie remind us they are still here by being mopey and annoying. To be fair, I do the same to my mom.

Chris Harrison then shows up and basically tells everyone it’s time for the single losers to GTFO. He cancels the cocktail party, and decides it’s time to get this rose ceremony on the road. He has a massage scheduled in a half hour.

Chris calls this week “volatile” like they were hit by Hurricane Dorian, and it wasn’t just people leaving Paradise to go DM better options at home.

The men are handing out the roses tonight:

Luke gives his rose to Bri. SHE SAYS NO. And yet, she doesn’t leave, she just goes right back to her spot. This is awkward. Chris asks the class if anyone would like Luke’s rose. No one does!! He sends him home. I just died of secondhand embarrassment. Carry on.

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SIDE POST | I’m literally bawling my eyes out @lukestonedc deserves better! I literally couldn’t even watch this part and it’s not even the fact that I felt bad for me it’s the fact that I really wanted him to find love. I love you Luke S and I know that you’ll find your forever eventually 🥺💓 ( btw I would have taken that rose in a heartbeat) I hope you see this and know that there’s a lot of fans out here who love you!✨ #bachelorinparadise

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On his way out, Luke says, “I think I made the right decision to leave.” Oh honey, they kicked you out.

Matt gives his rose to Bri. She says yes.

Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.

JPJ gives his rose to Tayshia.

Clay gives his rose to Nicole, and then gives her a platonic hug.

Demi gives her rose to Kristian.

Chris gives his rose to Katie.

Lol Sydney leaves saying, “Matt’s gonna get dumped.” At least you can leave knowing you’re right, Sydney. Then she cries in the car, because she’s “tired of waiting.” Well you know what, Sydney? I am tired of listening to classically attractive, cosmetically enhanced people cry “poor me, poor me” on my TV for four hours every single week, BUT I’M STILL DOING IT. We’re all f*cking tired. Grow up!

The next day Chris Harrison shows up in a sports coat, ready to kick the idiots that are less committed to this charade out of Paradise. He tells the couples to have a serious conversation and decide if they are ready to take the next step, and if not, to stop living on his dime and go buy their own GD iced coffee at the airport.

Matt pulls Bri away to talk. Matt says he feels confident and she says he only picked her because she’s hot, he doesn’t know anything about her, and he can go shave his back now. Hey, at least he remembered your name, Bri!

Chase and Angela wave goodbye lol. Maybe they’ll see each other again on the next season of Ex on the Beach! When will Chase age out of that?

Hannah and Dylan decide to continue on and go to fantasy suites. Duh, she won’t break his little cropped sweatshirt-loving heart until she’s milked all the screen time out of this she can.

Clay and Nicole go talk. Naturally, she is crying. He says he is hopeful but he can’t even look her in the eyes, and as I have learned from those SVU reruns, that means he’s hiding something.

JPJ tells Tayshia he has had some of the most magical moments of his life with her. And that he’d like to dance with her at their wedding someday and that he’s in love with her. She kisses him, but all she says back is “That’s a lot, huh?”

Then Tayshia continues on to say that she’s definitely not there yet. She also tells him he doesn’t actually know what he wants. JPJ repeats again that he’s had some of the most magical moments of his life with her. They must have accidentally written it again on the cue card. Stupid drunk interns! Then he leaves. Tayshia chases after him to say she is sorry. He carries her away. This is not your wedding day, sir. This is your breakup. He leaves pretty quickly after that—he must have heard about that air conditioning from Connor.

JPJ doesn’t even vomit once throughout that whole exchange, and that’s how I know this whole thing was staged.

Kristian and Demi go to talk. Demi feels insecure, and recognizes that her anxiety is getting in her way. She tells Kristian she is scared but that she wants to keep on going and growing. I am thankful this conversation is finally over.

Now it’s Chris and Katie’s turn to go and talk. He cries. I’m crying too Chris, I’M CRYING TOO. Katie starts crying. We are all crying now. For different reasons, I think. He says that he pushes people away that he likes. Save it for your therapy session, Chris. Actually no, just Venmo me $200 for this hour of listening to your sh*t and we’ll call it even. Katie tells him she wants to be with him, and whether he chooses her or not, he clearly needs to get mental help. He decides he wants to give it a shot. She does too. Seems like this will work.

Chris Harrison shows up and tells them to have fun fornicating tonight, but also maybe talk about life, please.

And yes, it is as I feared. The finale is next Tuesday. I hate these people. I hate ABC. Farewell.

Images: ABC; giphy (3), bachelorinparadise, babydylaann/Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Dean’s Got The Van Running

Hello, Bachelor Nation! I think we’re in the bad place. We all survived a long weekend of drinking and debauchery only to be rewarded with writing a recap of a show where people are snotting out their spicy margaritas. Just me? Fine, you enjoy, I’ll suffer. Shall we get on with it?

Last night on Bachelor in Paradise, Derek eliminated himself because no one will ever love him wahhh wahhh wahhh, Old Matt Donald and Nick Viall’s pre-plastic surgery doppelganger showed up, and JPJ cried over Tayshia.

It’s the morning and Blake shows up to the bar, super confused that Derek left. Where were you when Papa gathered all the kiddies around his knee to tell them his bad news, Blake? Stealing a producer’s phone to DM future Bachelor contestants?

Blake tells us that he feels like he’s “burned” bridges with every woman here. Those quotes were his own. I do not think Blake knows how to use air quotes. I’ll be adding this to the list of grievances I have on him. We’re on to page two.

JPJ is still distressed about Tayshia and is seeking counseling from everyone. Chris B is not a therapist just because he’s old, John! This is a man who competed on the god-forsaken Bachelor Pad. I’m not even confident he has a high school education. Do not trust him!

Chris and Katie are talking about taking their relationship to the next level, and good for them, but I totally forgot they were a thing. But why is he dressed like Huckleberry Finn?

JPJ decides it’s time to talk to Tayshia after everything that happened between them. She says she needs him to trust her and not to question her, and he agrees and is this what it looks like when someone is hypnotized? Because JPJ seems very out of it. Tayshia also tells the audience that she can’t see him long-term. So I guess she just wanted to hypnotize him into sleeping with her, and then keep a lock of his hair in her memory box to sniff and reminisce when she’s old and gray.

Guys, Clay is in his feelings about Angela. He says that it’s hard for him to watch his ex hanging out with other men, but that he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. His face tells a different story.

Chase from JoJo’s season shows up. I guess he wasn’t able to find love on the countless other reality shows he’s frequented since JoJo dumped his ass. He claims he’s into Angela, they had a good time at the wedding, and he’d like to get to know her better. Does this actually happen? Because anyone I’ve ever had a good time at a wedding with seems to have joined witness protection.

Chase gets a date card and immediately invites Angela. Clay throws up in his mouth, chokes it down, and claims he’s totally not jealous! He seems very stressed about the idea that he has to continue to see his ex dating, and says he didn’t sign up for this. I would say you should learn to read your contract a little closer, sweetie, because I’m pretty sure ABC puts “we live to f*ck up your life” over and over in the fine print.

Okay Clay is OBSESSED with Angela. He continues to talk about her. If I have to hear her name out of his mouth one more time I swear I’m shutting this TV off right now! And then turning it directly back on because I’m sure you all would burn me at the stake for missing this recap! But I would turn it off for a second! And then rewind the parts I missed! I’m so mad!

On their date, Chase asks Angela how she feels about her “ex on the beach” right now and he’s definitely confused about what show he’s on. Chase, honey, you WERE on Ex on the Beach, a show so atrocious not even me, queen of garbage, could make it through a season. THIS is Bachelor in Paradise. Work the correct name into casual conversation, or stop going on trashy reality dating shows. Your choice.

Blake is contemplating life, love, and what his mom is doing right now, when it dawns on him that he wants to be with Kristina. He says they’ve never been all in on each other, which must feel real nice for Kristina coming from a guy she f*cked, but that he wants to give it a try now. She asks him if they can continue this conversation tomorrow to see if he still feels this way, and by that I assume she means to see if he sleeps with Caelynn tonight.

Oh we’re headed to a rose ceremony. I forgot what these were like. Oh, Chris Harrison. I forgot what he was like. Oh yes, he’s a sassy b*tch, love you Chris!

Sydney asks Matt if he likes her and if he wants to kiss her.

Matt:

Okay Matt, it’s cute that you’re shy, but this is a dating show! Someone get this man 11 tequila shots. Wells?! Where you at?

Oh GOD, now even Chris has to give Matt a talking to. So last season he was forced to explain to Colton which hole it goes in, and now he has to coax a grown man into using a little tongue. I imagine Chris just walks around mumbling “I’m too old for this sh*t” all day long.

JPJ is giving Matt Donald the most action he’s seen on this show when he towels him down to get all the sweat off him. Once Matt is fully dried off, he heads over to Sydney to give us the cringiest makeout scene of all time. I watched it through my fingers and that was still too much of this.

“My mom is going to kill me.” I’m sorry, but doesn’t his mom know what this show is? Just because she’s deaf doesn’t mean she hasn’t heard about the trash that is Bachelor in Paradise, Matty. She knows you might put your tongue in someone else’s mouth. SHE KNOWS.

Clay decides to confront Angela, because he’s totally not still hung up on her, and says he wants to get things out in the open. The only thing I’m getting out of this conversation is that they disagreed on the amount of time a person should spend in the gym. I’m with Angela on this one—four hours a day is too much time for a person to spend anywhere other than on the couch binge watching old episodes of Criminal Minds. You’re a sick man, Clay.

Blake and Kristina have another serious conversation, and he asks her to give him a chance. She is skeptical because she has met him.

Oh wow, I forgot it was a rose ceremony again. I really never remember that there is a purpose to these shows other than to punish me for wishing my coworker’s children that are running around the office all day will trip on something.

The women have the roses tonight, and it goes as such:

Nicole picks Clay

Angela picks Chase

Kristian picks Demi

Hannah picks Dylan

Katie picks Chris

Haley picks Luke

Caelynn picks Connor

Sydney picks Matt

Tayshia picks JPJ

Kristina picks Blake

This means Mike has to go, which is a bummer for everyone, because even though Mike calls women his “queen” and says things like “it’s beautiful you say that,” he’s a freaking catch.

The next day, Kristina and Blake are talking about their future and what’s going to happen between them. He says if a new girl walks down the stairs, he doesn’t think that anyone would go on a date. And it appears he spoke too soon, because Bri shows up and Blake looks like if he had access to a genie, he would wish he could take the last 48 hours back.

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G’day, @bri_ashbarnes! Have heaps of fun in paradise ?? #BachelorInParadise

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Bri pulls Blake aside and asks him to chat. His genie is working! Oh, apparently they met at the wedding too. Was this a wedding or a f*cking meat market? I’m convinced no vows were exchanged and this was just one giant orgy.

Blake asks Kristina to chat. He tells her that he did talk to Bri at the wedding, but that he turned down the date because he knows what he wants. And that’s to not have Kristina sever his genitals with her bare hands tonight.

Bri asks Matt if he would like to go on the date with her, and I think she’s going to be disappointed when she finds out what a prude he is.

Bri and Matt go surfing. Matt seems pleased with the distance these waves afford them. I think he’s hoping he’ll drown before he has to tell his mother he kissed another girl on national TV.

OH WOW. Matty has no problems getting it up for Bri! He definitely wasn’t thinking of his mom right now. Or maybe he was…

Hannah and Dylan start talking about life after Paradise.

Hannah: I can move to Cali and we can go on walks and be normal
Dylan: and we can wear cut off sweatshirts
Me:

Does Dylan remind anyone else of Tom Sandoval?

Caelynn tells Hannah that she and Connor are “going to the boom boom room” tonight. I really feel like all my trashy reality shows are being mixed into one large heap of garbage. Caelynn also says that she completely forgot about Dean, and she’s happy she didn’t end up with him. So naturally Dean’s about to come in like a wrecking ball.

Dean walks down the beach, mustache free, as if a quick shave will help redeem his awful personality. He immediately asks Caelynn if they can talk for a sec.

Oh good, he is giving Caelynn a full recap of what happened between them. Dean. This whole filming process is like nine days. She remembers. We remember.

He says he rented a car and drove to the Grand Canyon? Isn’t the point of living in your van the fact that you can drive it? In fact, you can drive it right off that cliff if you want!

Caelynn says it’s easy with Connor, and Dean says “who the f*ck wants easy?” I raise my hand alone in my apartment.

Caelynn is torn between her precious eighth grade graduate and the man who until recently had a pervy mustache and celebrates half birthdays. It’s a tough choice, I’ll give her that.

Dean says he needs to stop running from the good things in his life and he’d like to figure it out with Caelynn. He wants her to leave Paradise with him today. Why must it be today? Did he leave the van running?

Next week, Caelynn must make her very own Sophie’s Choice, and Paradise will mercifully come to an end. Can’t wait to see who pretends to get engaged!

Images: ABC; bGiphy (3); Immortal Illustrated Classics; bachelorinparadise/Instagram