The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Thank God It’s Over

Well, kids, we made it. I’m exhausted, I’m out of breath, and my liver is fighting hard not to crumble under the amount of boxed wine it took me to get through this season, but we did it. We have (supposedly) made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been begging for this moment to happen ever since the producers started making food foreplay a thing before each rose ceremony. 

Speaking of rose ceremonies, this is a big week for the couples. We’ll get to find out which of these lovebirds will ruin their lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve known for about as long as I leave my suitcases packed after a trip and which couples will break up have just brought shame upon their households by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer. Let’s dive into it!

Abigail & Noah

Last week was a tough one for Noah and Abigail. Not only did Noah get a glimpse of their future and then promptly attempt to moonwalk away from it, but they were forced to have that conversation while dressed like extras from the set of Pretty in Pink. And not, like, the popular extras from that movie. God, imagine looking so heinous during a breakup that is broadcast to millions of people? That 80s theme was definitely crafted to humiliate them further. Bravo, ABC. Bravo. 

As Abigail gives a full-on Josie Grossie meltdown, Noah gives her a solid five extra minutes of his time before being like “well, good season everyone! It was fun while it lasted!” Sir, this isn’t the ending to a Mighty Ducks movie. What kind of exit speech is that? Hearts are on the line here!

NOAH: She’s a great girl, but are we each other’s soul mates?
ALSO NOAH:

I do appreciate how realistic Noah is being here. I mean, he’s not wrong. In a matter of days these people will have to get engaged to each other. And while the sanctity of marriage means nothing to this franchise, it still seems laughable to me that any of them feel the relationship they built on mimosas and tequila shots is strong enough to withstand an engagement. Noah is still trying to figure out how to layer all of those delicate necklaces, for god’s sake. He’s not ready for that kind of commitment! 

Oh, Jesus Christ. Why is Serena crying? Word gets out about Abigail and Noah’s breakup and the news rocks the rest of the contestants. Why they’re mourning this relationship like it’s a beloved grandparent and not some white dude with a penchant for wearing shirts unbuttoned to his navel turning out to be a fuckboy, I’m not sure. I can only assume it’s the Stolkholm Syndrome fully setting in that has these people in such stitches. 

Becca & Thomas

Every time I see Becca and Thomas on my screen, I’m taken aback. A former beloved Bachelorette talking to a man who was banished from his season with all of the power of a generations-strong witches curse? Make! It! Make! Sense! 

While Thomas and Becca were mooning over each other at prom and picked each other at the last rose ceremony, Becca is having doubts about attending the fantasy suite with him. Case in point: Thomas tells Becca that he’s all in with her, and she visibly cringes. Wow, not a strong start. 

BECCA: I’m just not sure I’m there yet. I think I need more time.
THOMAS: 

HAHAHAHA. Thomas is so messy for drama and I love it. Before Becca can even finish her thought, Thomas begins openly weeping on that day bed. He warbles something about one day maybe being able to love again and then stumbles for the exit. Becca chases after him to probably tell him to slow his roll, she just meant she wants to continue dating him, but Thomas has already committed to the main character energy and can’t be tamed. He’s like, “if you ever loved me just let me go!” and I’m dead. DECEASED. I’ve had less dramatic exits leaving a Macy’s dressing room in 7th grade. If you really want to perfect that method acting, Tommy, try embodying the mindset of a barely pubescent girl who is both looking for a “sexy” dress for the school dance and simultaneously afraid to shave her legs above the knee. 

Also, it feels very meta watching their relationship play out on the show because if you’ve been following either of them at all IRL, you’d see that they don’t go a single day without @ing each other on social media. So, like, what am I even watching here? They’re clearly still together. ABC, stop wasting my time with this old footage and give me the good stuff!!  

Maurissa & Riley

Riley and Maurissa continue to prove that love isn’t actually dead. They decide to go to the fantasy suites together, partly because they want to see if their relationship can make it in the real world and partly because they ran out of whipped cream on the beach anyway. Also, I love that they all think a night in the fantasy suites will properly prepare them for the real world. Yes, champagne and private hot tubs is exactly the harsh dose of reality they needed to get an accurate picture of life outside of Paradise. 

One of the most raw moments of Bachelor television I’ve ever witnessed occurs when Riley tells Maurissa that he has this recurring dream about Sunday mornings, one where he wakes up to a wife and kids and lazy days in bed and, Y’ALL, I AM CRYING IN THIS CLUB RN. 

RILEY: When I see you, I see Sunday morning
ME:

I AM NOT WELL. It’s actually unhealthy how happy I am for these complete strangers. I’m so happy for them that I will even ignore Maurissa slipping in a joke about sucking his toes during the proposal scene the next day. I’m so happy that I’ll even ignore how distracted I am by the fact that these people are melting right before my very eyes. My god, did they have to propose on the surface of the sun?! I’ve seen people leave less wet after a SeaWorld performance. 

Also, just gonna leave this here:

 

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Mari & Kenny

Like every other couple this week, Kenny and Mari also have to decide if they’re going to take their relationship to the next level. Kenny says that his only concern about Mari is her age, which is fun because last week his biggest concern was that she wouldn’t let him dip her entire body in queso on a Wednesday. Those seem like two contrasting concerns, but okay.

Going into the fantasy suites, Kenny continues to question Mari’s commitment to their relationship. He says that she’s never really been 100% with him. LOL. This coming from the guy who played topless volleyball with Tia and brought Demi to the boom boom room. But sure, Mari is the one who isn’t ready for marriage…

KENNY: No one expects me to get married, no one expects me to have kids.

Yes, well, that could be because of the smattering of star tattoos sprinkled across your ribcage. 

Cut to the proposal day and Mari looks absolutely stunning. Kenny, meanwhile, looks less like he’s about to propose and more like he’s about to shout “SPRING BREAK, BITCHES” into a crowd full of college kids and then pelt them with jello shots. His actual proposal isn’t much better. He says that it wasn’t love at first sight with them but it was “something.” Why do I have the feeling he’s referring to his boner here? At least class it up for this one thing, Kenny!

KENNY: *waggles eyebrows* I asked Mari to mari me
ME:

And just like that, they’re engaged! I can’t wait to see the tuxedo-printed bro tank Kenny designs for their wedding day. Should be magical. 

Serena & Joe

ABC tried hard to make the finale into something that wasn’t 180 minutes of footage of melatonin given physical form, only to fail miserably in that endeavor. They particularly focused those efforts on Joe and Serena’s relationship. I assume they took one look at Serena’s butterfly hair clips and Soffee shorts and struggled, as I did, to take this relationship seriously. It seems like low-hanging fruit to me, but who am I to judge?

The happy couple goes off to the Fantasy Suites for a night of Joe having to explain to Serena that it’s impolite to ask the waiter the alcohol percentage of each wine. Joe says that he thought he would be more confused going into proposal day, but instead he’s never been more sure about his feelings for Serena. I mean, actually his exact words were: “everything that just happened between us is just natural” and it’s like, we get it, Joe. She’s so young you don’t need lube. Enough. 

Cut to proposal day and Joe is standing on the beach wearing his best Costco bulk order polo when who should appear? KENDALL. Okay, this is just cruel at this point. What is the point of bringing Kendall back? Haven’t we exhausted this plot point already? And Kendall, girlfriend, I’ve defended you throughout this season but this is… too far. Which family member is ABC holding for ransom behind the scenes, because I can’t believe you did this of your own free will! 

Ultimately, Kendall’s reappearance does nothing to deter him from proposing to Serena. He says that even though he’s old enough to have a MySpace account and she’s young enough to have a Finsta, they can make it work (I paraphrase). Never mind that Serena isn’t even a U.S. citizen. I for one, cannot WAIT to see the 90 Day Fiancé x Bachelor Nation spin-off this relationship has the power to generate. I ask for so little, just let me have this one thing! 

JOE & SERENA: 

 

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A post shared by Joe Amabile (@joeamabile1)

KENDALL, A GIRL WHO IS TOTALLY DOING FINE:

 

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A post shared by Kendall Long (@itskendalllong)

And that’s the season, kids! We have exactly two weeks until Michelle’s season of The Bachelorette airs, so I’ll be spending that down time constantly refreshing Maurissa’s IG feed to live vicariously through her happiness. Until then!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); @joeamabile1 /Instagram (1); @itskendalllong /Instagram (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1)

Where To Buy All The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Finale Looks

Well ladies and gentlemen, these past few weeks of Bachelor In Paradise have truly been a journey, to say the least. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve watched two grown men tackle each other to the ground over a piñata. But this beautiful journey all in the name of love finally came to a conclusion last night with a THREE HOUR LONG finale show. And, if you’re a true #BachelorNation stan, you too gave up the entirety of your Tuesday night for this, and only complained a little bit.

Now of course, this A+ Bachelor In Paradise cast has never been one to disappoint, and they exceeded expectations AGAIN last night, bringing us some intense drama, plus many fire outfits. I’ve got to say, out of all the seasons, Colton had the best group of consistently stylish girls. And, tbh, their put-together fashionable looks gives them way more credibility during their arguments, at least in my eyes. Like, am I going to respect a girl in a tacky bodycon who’s throwing shade during the reunion? Highly doubtful. But, am I going to 100% agree with everything out of Hannah G.’s mouth since she looks so freaking cute in her blue Cinderella-like dress? Duh! Call me shallow but hell, I’m your resident fashion writer. Anyway, if the one question you came away with after watching the Bachelor in Paradise finale was “how can I get these dresses?” then look no further.

1. Hannah G.’s One-Shoulder Dress

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Good Godwin! Get details on Hannah Godwin’s Bachelor in Paradise Reunion Dress with the Link In Our Bio @liketoknow.it #liketkit http://liketk.it/2F17i #hannahgodwin #bachelorinparadise #greydress #cutoutdress #abc #bachelor #bachelornation

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Lovers + Friends Alexander Dress, $158

As if Hannah G. couldn’t already be any more perfect, she legit showed up last night looking like Cinderella pre-clock-striking-midnight. She looked stylish and classy in an effortlessly hot way in her pale powder blue one-shoulder dress which, of course, is already basically sold out. There’s currently only L and XL sizes available, but by the time this article goes up, I doubt those will even be an option. Sorry! Knowing I’d be the bearer of bad news here, I thought I’d remedy the fact that this dress is almost sold out by finding out where the beautiful white and blue floral dress she got engaged in was from. Welp, even less luck there, that dress, which is from Lulu’s, is sold out across the board. Sooo thanks for delivering the looks Hannah G., but no thanks for being so pretty and cool that they’re all already sold out. Ugh!

2. Demi’s Neon Dress

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It’s finale night! Let’s taco ‘bout how dramatic you think it’ll be! ?? #bachelorinparadise

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Zhivago Le Loft Dress, $312

Demi looks straight-up perfect, and I’m feeling that middle part. Although, quick call out, what’s up with everyone’s glittery eye shadow last night??? Like, cute but why—where’s the sponsorship here? Anyway, I expected nothing less from Demi than to show up looking like her Demi-goddess self in this killer neon dress. Oh, and also, can someone please let me know the products behind Demi’s flawless face makeup routine??? How can one person embody so much beauty inside and out? #DemiForPresident2020

3. Tayshia’s White Mini Dress

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@tayshiaaa is a bold girl and we’re here for it! ?? #BachelorInParadise

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Meshki Melody Satin Twist Front Dress, $14

I love Tayshia and I stan her, but I don’t know that I can ever get behind her and JPJ. It’s just too much and makes me feel weird. BUT, per usual, she looked amazing and her dress is actually unbelievably affordable right now because it’s super on sale. So even though I don’t commend her love life choices here, I do commend her outfits, and I’ll be ordering this cheap dress.

4. Caelynn’s Strapless Dress

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Caelynn Miller Keyes Bachelor In Paradise Reunion shop this look on spotherstyle.com ✰ link in the bio #bachelorinparadise #thebachelorette #thebachelor #bip #tayshiaadams #demiburnett #katiemorton #hannahgodwin #caelynnmillerkeyes #nicolelopezalvar #onyekaehie #sydneylotuaco #kristinaschulman #hannahgodwin #haleyferguson #whitneyfransway #jensaviano

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Jay Godfrey Kerr Midi Dress, $99

Okay, so I don’t know if Caelynn was just trying to play up the whole “I’m-so-chill-I-live-in-a-van-now” vibe last night or what, but her look was kind of subpar. Don’t get me wrong, she still looked beautiful, and this white dress that she wore looked amazing. However, it kind of looks like she got ready with a limited time constraint or something. I mean, maybe the van only has one mirror and Dean got priority? Caused he looked pretty handsome in a very Oompa Loompa meets “Old Town Road” type of way.

5. Kristina’s Lacey Dress

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rockin’ this little number tonight on #bachelorinparadise reunion show @vchapmanstudio

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V. Chapman Poppy Dress, $385

Kristina came to this reunion ready to make a statement. She showed up in a lacey lingerie dress with some serious cleavage. Kristina clearly isn’t giving up on love with that level of cleavage, so hopefully some Bachelor alums (other than Blake) will slide into her DMs given how fantastic she looks.

6. Katie’s Black Sparkly Dress

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Gunmetal Goals! Get details on Katie Morton’s Bachelor in Paradise Reunion Dress {also seen on Teddi Mellencamp} with the Link In Our Bio @liketoknow.it #liketkit http://liketk.it/2F16E #bachelorinparadise #katiemorton #bachelor #sequindress #metallic #silver #silverdress #abc #bachelornation

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IRO Loulou Dress, $400

I’m going to be honest here, things aren’t looking so good for Katie. I mean, looks-wise she slayed last night in this sparkly long sleeve dress. However, the lack of communication between her and Chris was legit hurting my brain, and it was making it hard for me to enjoy her stylish dress. Not to mention, for a couple that’s still currently together it was pretty weird to hear Katie bash Chris. I don’t know, doesn’t seem promising to me. But regardless, this look was promising af, so keep doing you Katie.

7. Crystal’s V-Neck Jumpsuit

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My familia. ? Are you watching the @bachelorinparadise finale TONIGHT?!! ? And who do YOU think #thebachelor will be?? ? #bip

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Nightcap Wisteria Jumpsuit, $396

Per usual, Krystal looked amazing last night in this v-neck lace jumpsuit. There are limited sizes still available, so if you want it, don’t wait. Oh, and it also comes in black too! If it weren’t almost $400, I would probably buy two.

All in all, I was very pleased with this season of Bachelor In Paradise and the variety of stylish looks we got from all the girls. I mean, they pretty much all just ordered their entire wardrobes from Revolve, but hey, it worked. Not to mention, it made my job of figuring out what they wore a lot easier. Next up, I can’t wait to see what everyone wears to Stagecoach!

Images: @bigblondehair (2), @spotherstyle, @demi_not_lovato, @bachelorinparadise, @kristinaschulman, @coachkrystal_ / Instagram; Revolve (4); Meshki; Jay Godfrey; Planet Blue

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

ABC Is Choosing To Be Boring With The New Bachelor

After weeks of speculation, ABC revealed last night on the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise that Peter Weber, the lovable pilot from Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette, will be the new Bachelor. My reaction resembled that of my parents when I failed my driver’s test by backing into a pole while parallel parking in my instructor’s car: not mad, just bewildered disappointed. After shocking many loyal viewers by choosing Hannah as the Bachelorette, I was hoping the bigwigs at ABC would pull something similar with this year’s Bachelor. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to quit their addiction to mediocre men and went with the safe choice, once again shying away from a lead that might spike controversy or (heaven forbid) a cultural conversation.

He’s Slightly Sketchy

Peter caught some flak this summer when it was revealed by his ex-girlfriend that he dumped her shortly before Christmas, presumably because he found out that he’d been cast as a contestant on The Bachelorette. Opinions differ as to whether the show had anything to do with the breakup, but Peter himself has insisted that his casting occurred months after he parted ways with his ex. Even if we suspend all disbelief and take him at his word, his characterization of the breakup in the People interview is not consistent with the one he gave us on The Bachelorette, particularly during his hometown date, where his parents and brother recounted his most recent heartbreak in a way that gave me Blake-crying-on-his-mommy’s-shoulder vibes. While breakups are usually sad for both parties, the dumper does not usually come away disillusioned at the prospect of finding someone to love again, hence the dumping. We can all agree that Peter’s transgressions pale in comparison to those of dog food jingle lyricist Jed, but he’s not quite the wounded bird he’d like us to think he is either.

He’s Safe

bachelor peter

One important detail Chris Harrison forgot to announce last night when naming Peter as the Bachelor is that he’s already been The Bachelor. It was four years ago, his hair was darker, and his name was Ben Higgins. In all seriousness, it’s pretty clear that ABC is trying to recreate the ratings magic they had with nice guy Ben by bringing in a shiny new version. To be fair, there is nothing objectively wrong with either Ben or Peter. They’re both mild-mannered, sensitive and steadfast guys. The problem is that their best qualities are the same ones that come to mind when looking to purchase a family minivan. While comfort, reliability and safety are wonderful, I’m not really attracted to a Chrysler Pacifica. In light of recent events I knew we wouldn’t get my first choice Tyler, but I still can’t help but feel that ABC isn’t sending their best. We need a man with an edge and/or some undeniable sex appeal, and someone that still lives at home with his parents isn’t it, no matter how many condoms he has in his center console.

He’s (Yet Another) White Guy

It’s no secret that the Bachelor franchise has a race problem, but it’s a fact that bears repeating. In the more than 17 (!) years that this sh*tshow has been in the cultural zeitgeist, we have had one black female lead and no black male lead. It’s. Time. One could argue that we’ve had several great candidates in years past, especially when we see what passes muster to lead this dumpster fire year after year, but it’s pretty hard to deny that Mike Johnson from this year’s season of The Bachelorette would have been an excellent choice. Kind, charming, successful, smart and handsome, Mike was and is the full package (and Demi Lovato agrees, so don’t @ me). For all those who say he was “boring” on Bachelor in Paradise, kindly refer to my previous paragraph.

Even if Mike was boring on Paradise, I’m not totally convinced that his brief stint on the spin-off was the right litmus test. Mike doesn’t really exude f*ckboy like the Deans and Blakes of the franchise, so it’s possible he simply was not in his element arriving late into a situation where no one but the most boring and phony people were left (you know who you are). It’s true that ABC seriously botched the season with its first black Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, but refusing to engage in the issue at all kills any hope for future progress in dealing with race competently and compassionately. If they can handle a same-sex couple with grace, can’t they work towards doing the same with its contestants of color?

By choosing Peter, the franchise is making a conscious choice to remain stale. It’s not the wisest move for a show that’s been airing for so long that nearly every contestant has learned the rules and is out for fame. If ABC can’t find a dynamic and compelling lead from its usual crop of last year’s rejects, why not flush the format and let art imitate life by casting an actual celebrity? Not only do we reclaim the premise of an aspirational lead that the show was founded on, the contestants’ famewhoring can be repurposed and encouraged as a key element of the entertainment instead of an undesirable byproduct that must not be acknowledged. Until ABC hires me to consult on strategy (call me!), all I can do is hope to be pleasantly surprised with Peter, like I was with Hannah. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and watch, but if I see even the shadow of a windmill, I’m out.

Images: ABC; Giphy (3)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Finale, Night 2

Oh my God, it’s over. We made it, fam. We don’t have to be subjected to any more Bachelor-related programming until at least January. Now comes the sacred time when the demigod of ABC, Chris Harrison, will feed off the tears of middle-aged soccer moms everywhere before returning to Valhalla to slumber.

We start with a recap of this bullsh*t show led by Chris in a v festive dark purple tie before being subjected to a film reel of all the happy couples waking up after a full night of boning.

Kamil And Annaliese, Part 1

Here are Kamil and Annaliese, snuggling. “Alright, babe I gotta go—lots of activities.” WTF activities you got planned today, Kamil? Are you going paragliding (and hoping for a terrible accident) before potentially getting engaged to this Stage 5 Clinger?

WHOA and we’re already at the Do-They-Don’t-They pavilion on Singles Beach. This b*tch really thinks she’s getting proposed to, what with her speech about charm and this Polish man’s ability to make her believe in love again after four failed romances in the previous six days, sunburn, drunken make outs, and about two weeks of face time, total. It’s a recipe for success.

Annaliese’s face totally sinks when Kamil doesn’t propose. He’s all, “yeaaaaaah let’s slow this down. I totally want our love to blossom and to keep boning you, but I don’t really want to sign a contract with ABC saying I have to pretend to be interested in you for the next 1.5 years.”

Annaliese is all “OMG same. Whatever you want. Do you wanna try a threesome? I love you forever.” Turns out being a psycho totally works, guys! Look at them, all happy and whatnot.

Jordan And Jenna, Part 1

Next up we have Jordan and alleged manipulative skank, Jenna. I only say that after doing a deep dive into the shady sh*t that Jenna is up to and, like, HOW COULD YOU. WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.

Jenna: You make me want to open my heart again and you’re all I and my Instagram followers ever wanted.
Jordan: I believe in love at first sight and you made me feel lucky and (is he reading cue cards? cause it def seems like he’s reading cue cards) ah sh*t here’s a ring.

They hug and stuff and this all feels v anticlimactic. I figured they’d start making out with a bit more enthusiasm? I think Jordan is terrified of this woman—for good reason. Thank God he probs is dumping her as we speak.

Chris-Tal, Part 1

Sexy off-putting baby-voice haver, Krystal, and former fat kid, Chris, are snuggled in bed bonding over their auras and green juice. After Chris leaves to hunt down Neil Lane, Krystal is all “omg I’m so in love but I’m unsure. Will I still get as many Fit Tea deals if I say no or like how can I milk this for 15 more minutes?”

She shows up to the pavilion in a v odd romper combo and, IDK, maybe you’d dress up more for a potential engagement? Is she crying? There’s a lot of sounds but not a lot of tears.

Chris: You’ve totes changed me and I’m a better goose now than the goose I was before and this isn’t weird. I don’t want to leave here holding your hand though (GASP) I want to leave holding your heart (vomits).

Do you think this is the same ring that Jordan got, too? Like did Neil offer a two-for-one deal? Asking for a friend. Also, how long are we giving this relationship? I got May 2019.

The Reunion Spectacular

Time for the reunion spectacular and LOL NO ONE CLAPPED FOR LEO F*CK YOU LEO YOU, ANCIENT DISCO-HAIRED B*TCH.

Alright, so we’re gonna recap this again, apparently? Didn’t we just …? Alright.

We kick things off with Jordan making a terrible Venmo joke about John, who has APPARENTLY been playin’ games with Olivia. She’s all “yeaaaah I thought things were great and then John pulled the plug cause of long distance and started HOOKING UP WITH CHELSEA.”

I’M SORRY WHAT?! Chris quickly moves on and I’m like, v not done with this Chelsea and John narrative. No one explains further. Send help.

Chris focuses his sights on the human garbage pile, Eric. He’s still hanging on to this “we were just friends” thing and Angela’s all, “I totally played just the tip, like did that mean nothing?” Eric is confused. We’re all confused.

Next up is a 30-second fight between Benoit and Jordan. They discuss the merits of comfort vs. discomfort and Benoit is all “well I don’t compare women to foods” and Jordan is all “you’re a fly in my face” and Benoit is all “DON’T TALK ABOUT CLARE I STILL LOVE HER” and that pretty much sums up the convo.

Sigh, we also check in with Dr. Lisp, Colton, and Queen of Weiner, Tia. “We’re finally on the same page and totally just friends!” they both state and, like, I’m betting on at least one appearance from her on Colton’s Bachelor season.

And a quick note, David the Chicken and Jordan hug it out. That’s just so nice, you guys.

Astrid And Kevin

Alright, time to cover the most Canadian breakup of all time. Astrid is still v confused about WTF happened. Same girl, we’re all rattled. She also states that she and Kevin have spoken but are not dating and are in limbo which, wait, what?

Kevin comes onstage in a blindingly white shirt and still has no idea what to say or how to explain what happened. Basically, it comes down to the fact that Ashley I totally ruined his life and he wants another chance with Astrid.

Astrid is all “mehhhh I don’t trust you now,” but Kevin is like, “well my therapist told me I’m an idiot so I’m here to tell you I’m a moron please take me back.” Quote of the evening: “She’s one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.” Kevin, are we in fifth grade? I’m sure Astrid is like, so glad to hear how cool she is. OH, they’re totally still in love and I give this two more weeks at least!

Kendall And Grocery Store Joe

Now, we’re treated to a montage of how incredibly PURE Grocery Store Joe really is. Chris goes in for the kill and grills Kendall like, “when did you realize you made a HUGE mistake?” Kendall is v upset and she’s like “how’d I let him get away?” Turns out, she pulled a lesson out of Annaliese’s “How to be a Psycho” manual and flew to threaten see Joe. I and all of America are very suspicious of this meeting. Why did she bring cameras? Joe is all, “I DID love you when we left the beach and I came to my senses.” Basically.

Joe comes out and the audience collectively loses their sh*t. A saint is in our midst. Joe’s like, “I didn’t think we’d ever be a thing and she totes f*cked up because, like look at me.” They keep trying to play this whole thing and AHHHHHHHHH THEY’RE ACTUALLY TOTALLY TOGETHER YOU GUYS LOVE IS REAL. To crush his soul a bit further, ABC has demanded of Joe a sacrifice. He’s going to be on Dancing with the Stars.

Annaliese And Kamil, Part 2

Here comes Annaliese, who clearly saw how flat and sad her hair was in Paradise and picked up a good volumizing shampoo. She’s like, “yeaaaah long distance blows but like I’m willing to put in 80 % so he can do like 20% and let love conquer all.” Kamil skips onstage and oh God, this is going badly. He’s like, “yeah, she met my family and friends and buys me dinner and gives me 80% of her paychecks from Fit Tea but I need like, more.” He says they lost the spark after Paradise and Annaliese looks like she’s about to go full Carrie on everyone in the immediate vicinity.

Everyone is shook, the soccer moms in the audience are booing—Chris has lost control. Annaliese storms offstage and Kamil continues to sit there like a douche. Chris is like, “soooooo you couldn’t dump her two days ago, like, not on live TV?” Kamil is like, “I mean I COULD have but then I couldn’t have destroyed her in front of a live studio audience.” Annaliese comes back out and, in a VERY Jerry Springer-esque moment, starts yelling at Kamil about the airline tickets she bought, the flowers she sent his mom, and the countless hours she’s spent scrapbooking their life together thus far.

Annaliese:

Love Fern

Chris, shooketh, is like, “GTFO KAMIL” and everyone is jeering at this European man. The BIP crew comes and hugs Annaliese while Kamil is backstage like “great now I look like a douchebag on TV again” hahahahhahaha.

Oh my God, they’re STILL arguing backstage and Annaliese is like, “I’ll totally move to NYC” and Kamil looks v afraid that she’ll actually do it. So she’s like, “whatever k bye”. And thus ends the saga of Annaliese and Kamil. May they rest in peace.

Jenna And Jordan, Part 2

Time for Jenna and Jordan to pretend they’re still in love. Jordan’s like, “mehhh she lives so far away”. Jenna is all “I was hoping someone would like me teeehee!”

Wtf they’re having a couples’ weekend making vision boards and talking about aliens and Golden Retrievers. I asked my husband why we’ve never made a vision board and he’s all “I can’t believe you’re making me watch this show.” Jenna and Jordan continue drinking mimosas and talking about how weird they are.  That was a lot to process. They ask Chris to officiate the wedding on June 9, 2019, which, again, is hilar considering the whole Jenna text-gate situation.

Krystal And Chris, Part 2

Finally, it’s time for *yawn* Chris and Krystal, who are decked out in wedding attire. Real subtle, guys. Chris is crying because he’s nervous, and all of us are very uncomfortable. Krystal affirms that “this is my goosey” and I curl into the fetal position, counting the seconds left in this program.

Chris meets Krystal’s pupperinos and it’s borderline cute. They’re also moving in together which, okay fine. The moms are also now besties, which I accept. And then we have a lot of goose jokes and a crystal joke and can we be done with this?

IT’S OVER. WE SURVIVED.

Images: Courtesy of ABC; Giphy (7)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Finale Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Last Day Of Amanda’s Childless Vacation

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!

Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.

Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.

Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.

What's The 411

^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn

Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.

Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.

So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!

Tickle Monster

Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.

Lacey is the first one on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?

LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?

DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.

ME: 

Threw Up In My Mouth

Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.

JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.

CHRISTEN: lol

Christen LOL

Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.

“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.

*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.

My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.

Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.

Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!

It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA?? 

Dean Unglert

I. AM. SHOOK.

Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:

Stupid

Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.

Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.

ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?

AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.

THE FANTASY SUITE DATE

The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.

Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.

Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.

Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.

GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?

Yes, yes you did.

Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.

Nick Turtleneck

AFTER THE FINAL TEQUILA SHOT ROSE

Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did  Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.

Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.

Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.

CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?

DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.

CORINNE: I am also in therapy.

Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!

Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?

Popcorn

They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…

They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.

DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*

GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?

YES.

Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.

Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA. 

Hold My Earrings

That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.

And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a father figure free babysitter for her kids. 

Robby And Amanda

Meanwhile Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.

Read: Amanda Stanton Tweeted Out A Picture Of Robby Cheating On Her

Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.

The Twins

Screaming

Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.

CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?

DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?

And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.

So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is a boob job an open mind and an open heart. 

Raven And Adam Bachelor In Paradise

Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?

Whatever. I guess Derek has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.

Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.

The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here!