Remember when Evan Bass and Carly Waddell were the height of Bachelor fame? Yes? No? Only because you’re still talking through the hot tamale abomination that was their first kiss with your therapist? Same. Well, buckle up friends, because it appears not only is Evan Bass a horrifying kisser, but he’s also in a crazy amount of legal trouble.
Still the stuff of my nightmares.
For those of you who don’t remember, Evan Bass was on JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, where producers tried to spin him as a catch because he ran a medical clinic. What made it really hard for them to accomplish this was the fact that he runs an erectile dysfunction clinic, but also has the personality of someone who makes genitals shrivel up and die. After The Bachelorette, he went on to Bachelor in Paradise where he attempted to woo Carly Waddell by pretending to be physically ill in the hopes that she would pity date him. And they say all the good ones are gone! What’s crazy is that the two of them actually ended up engaged by the end of the season, and have since then gotten married and somehow managed to spawn two children together. Just thinking about Evan Bass and nudity sends a swift chill down my spine, but whatever works for you, Carly!
But recently, Evan has done more than just manipulate women into dating him—he’s also manipulating the men of Nashville into believing he can solve their impotence problems! According to TMZ, new legal docs show that the BiP star just paid a chill $150K to the Tennessee Attorney General for allegedly making “misleading claims in advertisements” for an erectile dysfunction clinic he owns. The documents claim that Evan and his clinic allegedly sold erectile dysfunction and other men’s sexual function treatments through “multiple widely-disseminated, deceptive marketing campaigns” as well as had advertising that “misrepresented the efficacy, suitability, cost, and administration by doctors of its sexual function treatments.” Tbh I’m more upset that the article refers to Evan as a “hunk” than the fact that he conned men into thinking their penises would work again, but fine.
The lawsuit lists all of the alleged “deceptive” claims made by the clinic in their ads. Apparently the clinic “repeatedly claimed” in TV, radio, and print advertisements that it “would be able to solve or fix erectile dysfunction even after just one visit” even though this “was not the case.” Lmaoooooo. This is hilarious to me. Evan is a man whose OWN WIFE has gone on national television and said that he gives her erectile dysfunction, and the men of Nashville somehow believe he can give them long-lasting erections and a newfound sense of virility? What else do the men of Nashville believe? That Jeffrey Epstein actually killed himself?!
Let’s be clear: Evan has admitted to no wrongdoing, however, he has agreed to pay the $150k and promised not to repeat the claims in order to make this whole thing disappear. Now, I’m not an attorney, but I’ve watched many episodes of Judge Judy, and this feels like a clear admission of guilt to me. I, mean, it’s not like he’s paying that massive sum out of the goodness of his heart. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be here waiting for his Notes App apology to drop on Instagram. Until then!
Images: Giphy (2)
UPDATE: Aaaand just like that, it’s officially over. After a few days of rumors, Tayshia finally took to Instagram on Wednesday afternoon to confirm the news that she and John Paul Jones have decided to go their separate ways. Sad! Tayshia says in the post that she likes to keep her personal life private, which is pretty hilarious for someone who’s been in multiple reality TV relationships in the past year. Obviously, she realized this too, and it’s good to hear the news straight from the source.
She says that after a while, the fact that they live across the country was just too much to handle. Truly like, shocking that long distance isn’t easy, huh? Tayshia says sshe and JPJ are still “the best of friends,” which like, who knows if we actually believe that. But John Paul Jones did comment on the post with a heart emoji, so at least we know they haven’t blocked each other. So yeah, we’re saying farewell to this BiP couple, but it seems like things are on pretty good terms.
View this post on Instagram
I know you guys have been asking about John and I recently, and as much as I like to keep my personal life private, I realize you have all watched and been a part of our journey from the beginning. Therefore to stay true to that, I need to be open and honest with you in order to heal and move on. John and I had something incredibly special. We fell for each other in Paradise, and everything was a whirlwind after that. When the show ended, I truly went back to Maryland to see if what we had was something we could build on without cameras, a production crew, and without feeling any pressure: to simply figure things out on our own terms. But the reality was, we were living on opposite coasts, and working insane schedules that made it impossible to see each other and build a life with each other. We truly did the best we could, but at this time have decided that what is best for the both of us is to go our separate ways. We are the best of friends and will continue to remain in each other’s life because regardless of the situation, we make each other happy💕💕
It’s been a cool two months since Bachelor in Paradise ended, but if you think we here at Betches have been sleeping on the statuses of these couples just because of a little thing like production ending, then you’d better think again. What else am I supposed to do with my time during regular business hours if not aggressively deep diving into these people’s private lives? Actual work? Nah, I don’t think so. Well, the Demi and Kristian breakup rumors aren’t the only couple updates we need to talk about. It’s recently come to my attention via a Reddit thread (a place where all hard-hitting journalism stories truly begin IMO) that BiP prom king and queen John Paul Jones and Tayshia Adams might be officially over (as if they were ever really together to begin with).
When the two hit it off in Mexico this summer, I just instinctively knew that it was entirely for ratings. I mean, Tayshia referred to John Paul Jones, a man I’m convinced was only a part of the Bachelor franchise because he lost a bet to his frat brothers and was blackmailed into going on the show, as an “old soul” and “very deep” after he butchered some Shakespeare lines on national television.
A deep thinker, indeed.
And while most of the reality TV-loving world has been shipping these two since Tayshia ran down the beach wailing “I’M SORRY JOHN”, I’ve had my doubts as to the legitimacy of their relationship for awhile now. Turns out, I was right to be skeptical, because apparently Tayshia was caught RED-HANDED out on a date with another man last week.
Reddit user Poopburb (not a great username I know, but a whistleblower nonetheless!) posted in a thread that their coworker’s neighbor spotted Tayshia out on what appeared to be a date that wasn’t with JPJ in Newport Beach on October 24th. The coworker’s neighbor said that Tayshia and the mystery man were “flirting and touching all night” and there’s even video evidence to back up the claim. If you watch the video, Tayshia is most certainly with someone who doesn’t have the hair of a long-lost Hanson brother but, like, she could also just be catching dinner with an old friend. Fans are saying the video is damning because Tayshia and her date are sitting on the same side of the booth, which apparently means they’re dating. Again, not really rock solid evidence of a break up with JPJ so much as rock solid evidence that Tayshia might be a sociopath, because only monsters sit on the same side of the booth as the other person they’re dining with, but fine Reddit.
This isn’t the first time it’s been speculated that JPJ and Tayshia’s relationship was all for publicity. Reality Steve tweeted that the couple had broken up way back in September, and were only keeping up appearances on social media for the fans and sponsorship deals. While fans were outraged at that accusation, Tayshia and JPJ haven’t exactly been flaunting their relationship, and by that I mean they’re about as active on each other’s socials as I am with the cousin my mother guilt-tripped me into following on Instagram (you know who you are, Sabrina!). In fact, they’ve almost been nonexistent from each other’s Instagrams, until October 7th, when Tayshia was briefly mentioned on JPJ’s IG feed while both were at a brunch with other Bachelor alums. Tbh to me, their lack of vom-inducing posts says more about their relationship status than this shaky 30-second video.
But all of this speculation on Tayshia and JPJ’s relationship has made me wonder about the other couples from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Are they still in love and dry humping on my Instagram feed? Pretending to date the other for spon-con purposes? Broken up and summoning a vengeance demon to plague the other with incurable acne and a mild case of crabs? I’ve done some digging and here’s what I’ve discovered:
Hannah G & Dylan: Definitely Still Together
Okay, was this even a real question? These two have been going strong ever since they got engaged in Paradise, and I know this because Dylan won’t shut the f*ck up about it on his Instagram. But, I mean, every happiness to you both!
Katie & Chris: It’s Complicated
Moving on to Katie and Chris. Their reunion on the BiP after show was hard to watch. Katie admitted that Chris is a piece of sh*t and Chris looked like he would just rather be excluded from this narrative. After the finale aired, it appeared the couple had made up and were giving their relationship another chance because
ad revenue true love is real after all. That said, Chris has been suspiciously absent from Katie’s Instagram ever since the After the Final Rose episode aired, but she was also seen wearing her engagement ring at some sort of influencer retreat on October 11th. Chris also shocked us all when he posted a photo with her on IG a few days ago. So, like, maybe they are fine? Either that or they don’t want to give Neil Lane his ring back! I’ll let you be the judge!
Demi & Kristian: Probs Broken Up:
We already talked about this, so click here if you want all the details we have so far. Long story short, it’s not looking good. There’s plenty of evidence, but this shady comment that Kristian’s sister left on Demi’s photo is probably all you need to see.
NOT DESPERATE AT ALL. Y’all I’m dead. Deceased. The comment has since been deleted, but god bless the internet and rabid Bachelor fans for always doing the most when it comes to screen shotting the evidence. Since this feels like a comment I have definitely left on my sister’s ex-boyfriend’s new “in a relationship” status on FB, I’m going to go ahead and say I’m pretty sure Demi and Kristian’s relationship status is deader than my last house plant.
So there you go! That’s the status on all the Bachelor in Paradise couples as far as I can tell from judging their social media posts. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my mother what spon-con is and why people would fake a relationship to get it. TTYL!
Images: Giphy (1); @chrisjbukowski /Instagram (1); @dylanbarbour /Instagram (1); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1)
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Well friends, as if it wasn’t torture enough that last week was NOT the finale, ABC has decided to drag out 19 minutes of new footage into three hours tonight. THREE HOURS! As if I have not sacrificed enough for this show already! Free time, relationships, sanity, sleep, and giant chunks of my hair, all gone, in the name of “love.” I hope they know what I do for them. Shall we get on with it so we can finally find out which couple will get pretend married next season?
As a refresher, last week on Bachelor in Paradise, some couples waved goodbye to one another, some couples left in a van, and some couples met up in an air conditioned hotel room in a plot that was definitely not contrived by producers. We’re left with the motley crew of Dylan & Hannah, Katie & Chris, Nicole & Clay, and Demi & Kristian.
We start out on stage with Chris Harrison. He tells us that we’re finally going to see the end of these dramatic love stories. Is it too much to hope that they all end like Fatal Attraction?
We jump right back into Paradise with the fantasy suite dates. Katie starts her sex date by immediately saying “so what are we,” so she seems fun. Chris tells her tits that he is in love with them, and looking forward to spending the future and also this evening with them.
They agree to go to the fantasy suite and is this not a colossal waste of time? If they weren’t going to the fantasy suite, wouldn’t they have already gone home? This part could have been cut. I just got this episode down to 2 hours, 55 minutes.
Cut to Dylan and Hannah. They agree they want to spend forever with each other, or, rather, Dylan says he wants to spend forever together and Hannah agrees, at least until she launches her next Paradise-themed presets. How sweet.
Demi and Kristian love each other. Great, I’ve written that in every single recap this season. THIS IS NOT NEWS PEOPLE, CUT IT. 2 hours, 50 minutes.
Now we’re at Nicole and Clay. Nicole is so excited. Clay tells his lap that this is so real now. He tells his lap there are things he still needs to talk about. He tells his lap he still has reservations.
Clay opens the fantasy suite card AND TURNS IT DOWN. He wants to think on it. Nicole is pissed and kicks him out of the room. Hopefully Dean’s van is still idling outside, Clay!
Nicole looks sadly into the distance, as the resort sets off fireworks. Are they spelling out the words “he’s just not into you” or am I beginning to see things?
It’s the morning. Nicole wakes up alone and enraged, aka me everyday. She meets up with Chris Harrison back at the beach. She’s wearing a white dress. I don’t think you’re going to need one of those any time soon, sweetie.
They meet down on the engagement floor. Nicole confesses her feelings for Clay. He sweats. She asks him if he loves her. He sweats. He says he’s starting to fall in love with her, but he’s not ready to move in or anything serious, god no, but maybe they could carpool out of there together? Again, he sweats.
Nicole, about herself:
She leaves alone, but with her dignity. You go, girl! And at least you have that lifetime supply of Halo Top they gave you at The Women Tell All to binge on when you get home.
Clay pretends he is upset, but we all know he’s relieved, right? He wants to stop at the pub for a celebratory beer? I don’t think they call them pubs though, it’s f*cking Mexico, bro. Can’t you get anything right?
Chris and Katie wake up together. They’re doing a great job of pretending they’re happy together. They meet down on the engagement floor. All this wakeup time is unnecessary. Take this filler out of the episode and now I’ve made it 2 hours, 30 minutes.
Chris says he isn’t sure what he’s going to do, but he’s just going to go with his gut and how he feels in the moment. Exsqueeze me? He’s going to make a game time decision on A PROPOSAL?! I make a game time decision on whether to get an order of the mozzarella sticks or to get two orders of the mozzarella sticks, but I don’t really think it’s cool to do that on a decision that includes merging bank accounts. Where do they find these idiots?
Chris tells Katie he sees her in his forever, AND HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. So I guess he’s going with the proposal, then. Surely this is a mistake. I think your gut was actually saying mozzarella sticks, Chris.
We’ve made it to the Dylan and Hannah portion of the evening. He knows he is going to propose. They meet on the engagement floor.
Dylan starts off the convo by confessing his feelings – isn’t she supposed to start? Don’t you want to know how she feels before you get down on one knee and shove a haphazardly-chosen diamond ring that she’ll replace later in her face?
Oh wait, he’s letting her talk. Hannah tells him she is ready to make him her priority, but she’s also terrified because a fame hungry virgin hurt her feelings a few months ago. It seems to me like she is saying she doesn’t want to get proposed to. Dylan does it anyways, using her middle name in a desperate attempt to prove to me that he knows the bare minimum about this woman. I don’t believe it. She says yes. This is how divorces start, folks.
Oh, Hannah. That’s not a smile. That’s sheer terror manifesting itself on a face.
Now it’s Demi and Kristian’s turn. They meet on the engagement floor, blinding each other with the whiteness of their teeth. They confess their love for one another. Demi gets down on one knee and asks Kristian to marry her. She says yes! Now can we get a producer over here to help Demi get up? Those are some HIGH heels.
Kristian: You have to get a ring, too
Okay, we have finished hour one and now we have TWO MORE HOURS OF AFTER THE FINAL ROSE!! Why do these people deserve to find love, and I deserve to watch mind-numbing reality tv for an exorbitant amount of hours? Where did I go wrong?
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Chris Harrison introduces us to the Paradise cast, all of whom are now on stage ready to fight for their right to appear on another spinoff.
Oh good, they’re showing us clips from the season we literally just watched. This could be cut. We’re down to 2 hours, 15 minutes.
Chris Harrison wants to talk about Jordan, “Christian,” and their fight over the piñata. Jordan claims he acted in self-defense. Mike disputes the claim, and then Jordan acts like he would ever have the balls to fight Mike. Mike could literally give a sh*t.
Chris asks Hannah and Blake about the time he flew to Birmingham to see her before the taping. She says he went there to talk and explain his Stagecoach behavior. LOL Sydney’s not buying that he flew all the way to Birmingham to “talk.” Finally, Sydney! A little personality! You can sit with us.
Jordan then calls out the huge f*cking problem this show had all season, which is the fact that everyone knew each other before they came on, and it made for sh*tty TV. Cam concurs, and Onyeka immediately jumps down his throat saying he would have met the girls if he could have. Cam is the new piñata of Paradise.
I’d like to go back to that point for a minute, though. Despite my constant threats of homicide and arson, Bachelor in Paradise was my favorite Bachelor franchise show, and this season just sucked. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that they all came on to the show having already talked to each other, or already banged each other, and it was more about that drama than people meeting each other and getting together. If they’re going to keep this up, just send me screenshots of everyone’s DMs and save me 30 hours of my summer and all of my sanity, thanks.
Oh how cute, Connor tried to grow some facial hair! If he did it to appear more manly, I think it backfired because my grandma can grow a thicker mustache than that. But I’ll be sure to give you an A for effort on this semester’s report card, Connor!
Chris Harrison calls Blake to the hot seat. Blake went a little heavy on the bronzer for tonight—did he trust Kristina to teach him how to contour or something? Because this was clearly sabotage.
Blake tells Chris he was most surprised by the anger the women had toward him. GOD FORBID A WOMAN BE ANGRY. Should we all just smile and giggle when a man sleeps with us and then all our friends, Blake? Would that make you happy? Because we’re here to make you happy!
Chris: How did it feel when everyone started to really hate you??
^^I’ll take any excuse to use that one again, sorry
Blake brings up the text messages that he released and I think for his safety he probably should have avoided this conversation, but this is not a smart man. Caelynn says she has never felt more violated in her life. Apparently Blake called Caelynn and told her he was going to release the texts, and she told him that she would get a lot of heat online if he did it, and he did it anyways.
Blake will literally not apologize. “No one would ever know she made mistakes if I hadn’t exposed her embarrassing drunk, horny text messages the way I did. Aren’t I noble?!” Eventually he manages to choke out an, “I’m sorry you felt that way” apology which everyone knows is the cop-out of apologies.
At this point, my brother texted me to tell me he thinks Blake “handled that well.” I thought he was joking, tried to have a good laugh, sent a Dr. Evil gif, the usual. He was not joking. MEN! They are literally unfit for society. I say we corral them up in a dungeon underground and only let them out to open jars or to fight in a pen for our entertainment purposes.
And with that, we are finally finished with Blake. If I ever hear the word “Stagecoach” again, I will personally sue ABC.
PARADISE ALUM UPDATES
Oh good, they’ve decided to waste my time with people that I can’t even be bothered to follow on Instagram.
Carly’s baby shrieking “no!” is my mood right now.
Jade tells us about having her baby in the closet. Because that was something I needed to see in my nightmares.
Chris and Krystal are also there, and something is up with his face. The freshly-shaved look does not work for him.
And The Bachelor gods are blessing us with a gender reveal! Because it wasn’t horrifying enough when someone you love nailed you in the face with a baseball that exploded into pink powder, now we must attend a gender reveal for a couple whose pepper-filled saliva has a Guinness World Record. Wells jumps out of a cake in a blue onesie! So I assume that means they’re having a boy, and not a fully-grown fame whore who continues to degrade himself in various ways so he can eventually pay off his fiancé’s ring?
This whole section was unnecessary filler, used to torture the audience only because waterboarding us would be illegal. They should have cut this whole thing. That gets us down to 1 hour, 55 minutes.
UPDATE ON THE COUPLES
Chris calls Tayshia up to the hot seat to talk about JPJ.
Tayshia says they had a whirlwind romance. She says she is the last one to casually throw around the idea of engagement or marriage but if my memory serves (and it does, my memory is freaking amazing—ask anyone who has ever wronged me), she was married before. So don’t you throw it around casually at least a little, T? At least that one expensive time?
Tayshia also tells us that after Paradise she regretted her decision, so she flew out to Maryland. JPJ’s face is twitching. Didn’t someone say in the comments one week that he majored in acting? (yes, I read the comments, yes, I cry about them too). That makes me sad because this man literally can not keep a straight face to save his life. Even my friend that believes all the girls on The Bachelor have real boobs texted me hours ago saying, “I think they’re back together because JPJ keeps making weird faces.” Can someone take this man’s degree back?
Of course they sent cameras to Maryland. She tells him, or more accurately, yells at his face, that she wants to explore things with him. Does it seem to anyone else like they don’t really talk to each other they just look at each other and scream nonsensical things? And now they are apparently boyfriend and girlfriend. Good for them. I hope they get all the Instagram sponsorships their hearts desire.
Chris B & Katie
Katie heads up to the hot seat. She is clearly in distress. She says that she and Chris have their ups and downs, and communication has been hard, and she is exhausted. Cool, but are you together or not?
She says they are still engaged (even though she is not wearing her ring). She also says something about how he is not filling her gas tank. Come to New Jersey, Katie! Someone else will do it for you!
“I fell in love with potential that may never come to fruition, but I’m just praying it does.” This is also something I say about my chocolate chip cookies right before I bake them, in hopes I won’t burn them yet again. Advice to Katie: they never turn out.
They bring Chris out, and he says they are taking it day by day. Katie repeats exactly what she just said to us, to Chris. I don’t need to hear those pathetic metaphors again, cut it and we’re down to 1 hour, 45 minutes.
Katie keeps saying that she is exhausted but how do you think I feel, Katie? Listening to you say that over and over again in our third hour of television, tonight? WHAT ABOUT MY EXHAUSTION?!
Chris Harrison: are you capable of being the man Katie needs?
Chris B: Yes
They both decide they’re in this, and resolve to live unhappily ever after. Cute!
We also get a scene of Chris and Katie talking in the parking lot. They’re arguing over the same old sh*t. I think. At this point I was listening from the bathroom while washing my face. Take it out of here. We’re down to 1 hour, 39 minutes.
Hannah & Dylan
Hannah and Dylan approach the hot seat together. They say they are great, love each other, yada, yada, yada. There was no mention of the cropped sweatshirts, so I can only assume Hannah has managed to fend that off for now
Their only update is that Hannah is moving to California. They continue to be as boring on this after show as they were on Paradise.
Demi & Kristian
Demi tells us she just moved to LA to be closer to Kristian. Do all these people moving to California expect me to believe they moved there for love and not to advance their career in the short timeframe that reality TV stardom affords them?
Demi says it was hard coming out on TV, but it’s liberating. I’m happy that she was able to be who she is.
Kristian pulls Demi up from the couch to confess her feelings, and she proposes to Demi with a ring! Would it be an After The Final Rose if Neil Lane wasn’t profiting off of the already-crumbling relationships between virtual strangers?
Okay, where were Clay and Nicole? I would gladly have given up one of the times Katie compared herself to a tank of gas to hear Clay mumble to his lap about his commitment issues.
THE NEW BACHELOR
And it’s Pilot Peter! With a new haircut! It’s bad!
He is grateful and emotional about being chosen, and I am grateful and emotional we only have six more minutes of this left. I wish Peter the best on his season, may he find lots of love and lots of women willing to join the mile-high club.
The episode’s final run time: 3 hours. My final run time: 1 hour, 39 minutes. Call me, ABC!
And that’s all, folks! Now that this is over I will be putting the pieces of my life back together, and actively avoiding any Bachelor talk for the next four months. See you betches next year.
Images: ABC; Giphy (4); bachelorinparadise, wellsadams / Instagram
Let’s face it, Mike Fleiss controls our lives. For approximately nine months out of the year we’re watching some iteration of The Bachelor, or reading spoilers about The Bachelor, or sliding into the DMs of eliminated Bachelorette contestants, or buying FabFitFun boxes with the code AMANDA for 20% off. No? Just me then? Cool. So, even though we’re still so early in Hannah’s season that multiple steroid users with mommy issues remain instead of just the one final steroid user with mommy issues, that’s not going to stop me from talking about Bachelor in Paradise. But not this upcoming season of Paradise—we’ve already got that covered—I’d like to talk about our couples from past seasons, because why not beat a dead horse!!!
Shockingly, Bachelor in Paradise has a not-completely-abysmal track record for couples. I mean, sure, the show hasn’t quite gotten the consent thing down, but they seem to not be utter trash at pairing up couples. So, in advance of the new season, I’ve decided to make a very scientific ranking of power couples that have come out of Paradise. This ranking is based solely on my personal preference (it’s my article, betches) and the couples’ Instagram followers, which we all know is the only real show of power these days. Without further ado, here is my Bachelor in Paradise couple power ranking!
7. Astrid Loch and Kevin Wendt
Combined Instagram Followers: over 800k
Astrid and Kevin may have more Instagram followers than some of the couples that rank higher on this list, but they live in Canada so that immediately gets them dead last. You can’t be a power couple in Canada unless one half of you is Drake. Plus, Kevin looks like someone disassembled James Marsden and put him back together wrong, which I find very disturbing. Maybe if these two move to Nashville, attend Stagecoach, and get a goldendoodle, then we can talk.
6. Krystal Nielson and Chris Randone
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 800k
There is no way Ms. Baby Voice herself and a man nicknamed Goose are actually a couple, and I remain steadfast in my belief that this is a long con. WHAT ARE YOU TWO PLAYING AT?
5. Raven Gates and Adam Gottschalk
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.3 million
Raven and Adam just got engaged and I almost completely forgot to put them on this list. So that’s not a great indication of power, is it? But sure! I’m happy they found love and Instagram sponsorships in each other’s arms! But Raven still better keep a stiletto close by, just in case Adam decides to cheat.
4. Carly Waddell and Evan Bass
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.4 million
This couple was hard to rank. On the one hand, they have a large Instagram following, Carly has a popular podcast with Jade, and they have a second paycheck child on the way. On the other hand, I truly believe their pepper kiss was the monster in Bird Box. So they’re going to have to settle for the middle of the pack, just like Carly eventually settled for Evan.
A real thing Carly said about her future husband:
3. Kendall Long and Joe Amabile
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.5 million
I ranked these two higher than they really have a right to be because I PREDICTED THIS PAIRING LAST YEAR. Usually I’m only good at predicting deaths (sorry Grams!), so this is a real coup for me, and all my friends and casual acquaintances can attest to the fact that I’ve not shut up about it for the last 365 days. So, for my own sake, I want them to be a power couple. And they are pretty popular—Joe rode his Bachelorette night one elimination right into appearances on Dancing with the Stars and Bachelor in Paradise, and Kendall is into taxidermy and people aren’t even horrified by it. If that’s not power, I don’t know what is.
2. Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon
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Jared and my coed bridal shower #ad had donuts, hot dogs, sliders, and some great friends sharing stories about our past and giving us advice for our future. AND! We also got @crateandbarrel presents! It doesn’t get much better. Thank you so much for this night I’ll always remember, #cratewedding!
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.7 million
I really didn’t want to rank Ashley and Jared this high, because you should never let the crying, snotting, unrelentingly pathetic terrorists win, but alas, even I can’t argue with their popularity. They have so much power, their entire wedding appears to be sponsored by Crate & Barrel, which I’m sure is a relief for her father who most certainly does not want to spend $100,000 only to see his daughter divorce her Applebee’s manager husband in a few years.
Ashley and Jared are also the stars of their own YouTube reality show, Rose Buds. Well, actually, I have no idea if they’re the stars being that I have never watched, will never watch, and am pretty sure the only people that watch are prisoners currently being tortured by the CIA. When you escape, let us know if it’s good, guys!!
An actual thing Ashley said to her future husband:
1. Jade Roper and Tanner Tolbert
Combined Instagram Followers: over 1.7 million
This is kind of a no-brainer. Everyone knows that Jade & Tanner are the ultimate power couple to come out of Bachelor in Paradise, because they’ve made the most money off of it. That’s how we rank power in America, right? They’ve got the most Instagram followers, she’s got a podcast, and they’re also on Rose Buds (again, I think!!).
Not only do Jade and Tanner have a large and devout following, but they’ve also been together the longest of all the couples on this list, almost a full four years! I mean yeah, I’ve had cups in my room longer than that, but for this show it’s not nothing!
And there are your Paradise power couples! I hope they enjoy it while it lasts, because I’m sure when Demi finds her prey—sorry I mean love—this summer, she’ll be coming for the crown.
Images: Giphy (3); astridloch, coachkrystal_, ravennicolegates, joeamabile1, ashley_iaconetti/Instagram
Well, fam, just when we thought the Jordan/Jenna drama from Bachelor in Paradise was over, Jenna went and dropped another bombshell last night on her Instagram. And by “bombshell” I mean some photos that look like they were captured on the screen of a Windows 98 computer coupled with the ramblings of a madwoman. God bless these flaming piles of garbage masquerading as human beings and the emotional turmoil they wreck upon themselves. We all have to do our part!
Just to catch those of you up who haven’t been following this sh*t storm of a relationship, things went south for Jenna and Jordan—who were obviously in love and definitely not only together for the likes and followers—like, milliseconds after they got engaged on the finale of BiP when Reality Steve went public with screenshots of texts that all but confirmed Jenna was cheating on Jordan and their entire relationship was fabricated by the people at ABC. Shocker. Jenna has denied the rumors ever since and even hired a lawyer to clear her name. Lol why do I feel like this “lawyer” is about as capable as my sorority sister’s older sibling who claimed she went to law school but couldn’t even break her sister out of Carolina Cup jail?
But back to the bomb Jenna dropped on IG. Last night she posted a photo sequence in which the first photo shows her phone hooked up to…. something? It’s unclear. All I see are random cords everywhere. It kind of looks like a portable charger. So far all this is proving is that she does, indeed, have a phone.
Moving onto the second photo, which appears to be a grainy shot of the first computer ever invented. Seriously, wtf am I looking at? I’m half expecting Reader Rabbit to start uploading any minute. The screen shows that there was some sort of extraction of data that was 100 percent complete, but, like, the only thing that seems 100 percent complete rn is Jenna’s psychotic break. Here’s the entire post:
View this post on Instagram
The results from the forensic analysis are in, and I feel compelled to share them with Jordan before anyone else. Despite what some people have said, I have denied all of these false allegations from the beginning, and I am reiterating that I never cheated on Jordan, there is no “sugar daddy,” I was not faking my feelings towards Jordan on the show, and that I never made or sent those fake texts posted by Stephen Carbone. I appreciate everyone who has believed, supported, and loved me through this. I also forgive those of you who have said hateful things to me. I have spent years growing as a strong independent woman who manages her business without the help from any man. It is insulting to hear that anyone would question my character in that way when my biggest passion is to empower women. This is why I am standing up for myself and refusing to be a victim. I did nothing wrong, and despite what accusatory statements negative gossip bloggers have to say…I have a voice too, and it will be heard! I am standing up for myself and any woman who has ever been mistreated, overpowered, sexualized, or made to feel unworthy of sharing her story. I have God and the truth on my side, and in the end that’s all I need. I will not be silenced.
First of all, we all know the only reason she chose the picture of her phone instead of a glamour shot is because Reality Steve crucified her for it on Twitter. Secondly, I love that she thinks this rock solid evidence proves anything. Like, this “forensic analysis” looks about as legit as if she Google image searched “lab results” and uploaded it to Instagram. I don’t know what this “extraction” device is, but I would like to hook it up to my brain for the next time I take a test and know the answer is buried deep in my subconscious somewhere.
BUT THERE’S MORE. Jenna accompanied this post with a literal novel that reads about as sane as the creative writing assignment I turned in right after my boyfriend dumped me on my birthday sophomore year. I won’t go through her entire manifesto because, like, we would be here until Colton’s season airs next January, which was maybe her entire plan in the first place BUT I’M NOT FALLING FOR IT, B*TCH. So here are some highlights:
“The results from the forensic analysis are in, and I feel compelled to share them with Jordan before anyone else.”
The forensic analysis of what, though?? This is not CSI! Also, the fact that she’s sharing the results with Jordan before the public is suspect in itself. Homeboy DUMPED YOU ON INSTAGRAM and you want to speak with him privately? I feel like this “sharing of information” is happening solely so they can get their
stories PR stunt straight. This feels like when Geraldo Rivera made a big hoopla about how he was going to open Al Capone’s vault live on television and built up suspense for weeks, only for the vault to be literally empty. Actually, wow, this is almost EXACTLY like that. I impress myself sometimes.
“I have spent years growing as a strong independent woman who manages her business without the help from any man. It is insulting to hear that anyone would question my character in that way when my biggest passion is to empower women.”
Ah, yes. I know I definitely felt empowered watching you get felt up on a sand dune by half the men of Bachelor nation. Also, in the comments, someone asked Jenna what her business is, and she replied, “I started a social media marketing company and an all women’s social club where we help empower each other, build our businesses, and explore the city together.” Incidentally, this is exactly how every girl from my high school who is in an MLM would describe their “business”.
“I am standing up for myself and any woman who has ever been mistreated, overpowered, sexualized, or made to feel unworthy of sharing her story. I have God and the truth on my side, and in the end that’s all I need. I will not be silenced.”
Okay, look, I’m not saying women shouldn’t stand up for themselves when they feel wronged or misjudged or manipulated, but we’re talking about fake texts here. Texts that have probably gained her thousands of followers and put her face on every major news outlet in America. This is not a sexual harassment allegation; stop trying to make it sound like #MeToo. You don’t have God on your side, Jenna, you just have Mike Fleiss.
Stay tuned for next week, when Jenna reveals it was her all along. Can’t wait to see the tearful glamour shot that accompanies it!
IMAGES: Giphy (2); @jennacooperfit /Instagram (1); ABC
Oh my God, it’s over. We made it, fam. We don’t have to be subjected to any more Bachelor-related programming until at least January. Now comes the sacred time when the demigod of ABC, Chris Harrison, will feed off the tears of middle-aged soccer moms everywhere before returning to Valhalla to slumber.
We start with a recap of this bullsh*t show led by Chris in a v festive dark purple tie before being subjected to a film reel of all the happy couples waking up after a full night of boning.
Kamil And Annaliese, Part 1
Here are Kamil and Annaliese, snuggling. “Alright, babe I gotta go—lots of activities.” WTF activities you got planned today, Kamil? Are you going paragliding (and hoping for a terrible accident) before potentially getting engaged to this Stage 5 Clinger?
WHOA and we’re already at the Do-They-Don’t-They pavilion on Singles Beach. This b*tch really thinks she’s getting proposed to, what with her speech about charm and this Polish man’s ability to make her believe in love again after four failed romances in the previous six days, sunburn, drunken make outs, and about two weeks of face time, total. It’s a recipe for success.
Annaliese’s face totally sinks when Kamil doesn’t propose. He’s all, “yeaaaaaah let’s slow this down. I totally want our love to blossom and to keep boning you, but I don’t really want to sign a contract with ABC saying I have to pretend to be interested in you for the next 1.5 years.”
Annaliese is all “OMG same. Whatever you want. Do you wanna try a threesome? I love you forever.” Turns out being a psycho totally works, guys! Look at them, all happy and whatnot.
Jordan And Jenna, Part 1
Next up we have Jordan and alleged manipulative skank, Jenna. I only say that after doing a deep dive into the shady sh*t that Jenna is up to and, like, HOW COULD YOU. WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.
Jenna: You make me want to open my heart again and you’re all I and my Instagram followers ever wanted.
Jordan: I believe in love at first sight and you made me feel lucky and (is he reading cue cards? cause it def seems like he’s reading cue cards) ah sh*t here’s a ring.
They hug and stuff and this all feels v anticlimactic. I figured they’d start making out with a bit more enthusiasm? I think Jordan is terrified of this woman—for good reason. Thank God he probs is dumping her as we speak.
Chris-Tal, Part 1
Sexy off-putting baby-voice haver, Krystal, and former fat kid, Chris, are snuggled in bed bonding over their auras and green juice. After Chris leaves to hunt down Neil Lane, Krystal is all “omg I’m so in love but I’m unsure. Will I still get as many Fit Tea deals if I say no or like how can I milk this for 15 more minutes?”
She shows up to the pavilion in a v odd romper combo and, IDK, maybe you’d dress up more for a potential engagement? Is she crying? There’s a lot of sounds but not a lot of tears.
Chris: You’ve totes changed me and I’m a better goose now than the goose I was before and this isn’t weird. I don’t want to leave here holding your hand though (GASP) I want to leave holding your heart (vomits).
Do you think this is the same ring that Jordan got, too? Like did Neil offer a two-for-one deal? Asking for a friend. Also, how long are we giving this relationship? I got May 2019.
The Reunion Spectacular
Time for the reunion spectacular and LOL NO ONE CLAPPED FOR LEO F*CK YOU LEO YOU, ANCIENT DISCO-HAIRED B*TCH.
Alright, so we’re gonna recap this again, apparently? Didn’t we just …? Alright.
We kick things off with Jordan making a terrible Venmo joke about John, who has APPARENTLY been playin’ games with Olivia. She’s all “yeaaaah I thought things were great and then John pulled the plug cause of long distance and started HOOKING UP WITH CHELSEA.”
I’M SORRY WHAT?! Chris quickly moves on and I’m like, v not done with this Chelsea and John narrative. No one explains further. Send help.
Chris focuses his sights on the human garbage pile, Eric. He’s still hanging on to this “we were just friends” thing and Angela’s all, “I totally played just the tip, like did that mean nothing?” Eric is confused. We’re all confused.
Next up is a 30-second fight between Benoit and Jordan. They discuss the merits of comfort vs. discomfort and Benoit is all “well I don’t compare women to foods” and Jordan is all “you’re a fly in my face” and Benoit is all “DON’T TALK ABOUT CLARE I STILL LOVE HER” and that pretty much sums up the convo.
Sigh, we also check in with Dr. Lisp, Colton, and Queen of Weiner, Tia. “We’re finally on the same page and totally just friends!” they both state and, like, I’m betting on at least one appearance from her on Colton’s Bachelor season.
And a quick note, David the Chicken and Jordan hug it out. That’s just so nice, you guys.
Astrid And Kevin
Alright, time to cover the most Canadian breakup of all time. Astrid is still v confused about WTF happened. Same girl, we’re all rattled. She also states that she and Kevin have spoken but are not dating and are in limbo which, wait, what?
Kevin comes onstage in a blindingly white shirt and still has no idea what to say or how to explain what happened. Basically, it comes down to the fact that Ashley I totally ruined his life and he wants another chance with Astrid.
Astrid is all “mehhhh I don’t trust you now,” but Kevin is like, “well my therapist told me I’m an idiot so I’m here to tell you I’m a moron please take me back.” Quote of the evening: “She’s one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.” Kevin, are we in fifth grade? I’m sure Astrid is like, so glad to hear how cool she is. OH, they’re totally still in love and I give this two more weeks at least!
Kendall And Grocery Store Joe
Now, we’re treated to a montage of how incredibly PURE Grocery Store Joe really is. Chris goes in for the kill and grills Kendall like, “when did you realize you made a HUGE mistake?” Kendall is v upset and she’s like “how’d I let him get away?” Turns out, she pulled a lesson out of Annaliese’s “How to be a Psycho” manual and flew to threaten see Joe. I and all of America are very suspicious of this meeting. Why did she bring cameras? Joe is all, “I DID love you when we left the beach and I came to my senses.” Basically.
Joe comes out and the audience collectively loses their sh*t. A saint is in our midst. Joe’s like, “I didn’t think we’d ever be a thing and she totes f*cked up because, like look at me.” They keep trying to play this whole thing and AHHHHHHHHH THEY’RE ACTUALLY TOTALLY TOGETHER YOU GUYS LOVE IS REAL. To crush his soul a bit further, ABC has demanded of Joe a sacrifice. He’s going to be on Dancing with the Stars.
Annaliese And Kamil, Part 2
Here comes Annaliese, who clearly saw how flat and sad her hair was in Paradise and picked up a good volumizing shampoo. She’s like, “yeaaaah long distance blows but like I’m willing to put in 80 % so he can do like 20% and let love conquer all.” Kamil skips onstage and oh God, this is going badly. He’s like, “yeah, she met my family and friends and buys me dinner and gives me 80% of her paychecks from Fit Tea but I need like, more.” He says they lost the spark after Paradise and Annaliese looks like she’s about to go full Carrie on everyone in the immediate vicinity.
Everyone is shook, the soccer moms in the audience are booing—Chris has lost control. Annaliese storms offstage and Kamil continues to sit there like a douche. Chris is like, “soooooo you couldn’t dump her two days ago, like, not on live TV?” Kamil is like, “I mean I COULD have but then I couldn’t have destroyed her in front of a live studio audience.” Annaliese comes back out and, in a VERY Jerry Springer-esque moment, starts yelling at Kamil about the airline tickets she bought, the flowers she sent his mom, and the countless hours she’s spent scrapbooking their life together thus far.
Chris, shooketh, is like, “GTFO KAMIL” and everyone is jeering at this European man. The BIP crew comes and hugs Annaliese while Kamil is backstage like “great now I look like a douchebag on TV again” hahahahhahaha.
Oh my God, they’re STILL arguing backstage and Annaliese is like, “I’ll totally move to NYC” and Kamil looks v afraid that she’ll actually do it. So she’s like, “whatever k bye”. And thus ends the saga of Annaliese and Kamil. May they rest in peace.
Jenna And Jordan, Part 2
Time for Jenna and Jordan to pretend they’re still in love. Jordan’s like, “mehhh she lives so far away”. Jenna is all “I was hoping someone would like me teeehee!”
Wtf they’re having a couples’ weekend making vision boards and talking about aliens and Golden Retrievers. I asked my husband why we’ve never made a vision board and he’s all “I can’t believe you’re making me watch this show.” Jenna and Jordan continue drinking mimosas and talking about how weird they are. That was a lot to process. They ask Chris to officiate the wedding on June 9, 2019, which, again, is hilar considering the whole Jenna text-gate situation.
Krystal And Chris, Part 2
Finally, it’s time for *yawn* Chris and Krystal, who are decked out in wedding attire. Real subtle, guys. Chris is crying because he’s nervous, and all of us are very uncomfortable. Krystal affirms that “this is my goosey” and I curl into the fetal position, counting the seconds left in this program.
Chris meets Krystal’s pupperinos and it’s borderline cute. They’re also moving in together which, okay fine. The moms are also now besties, which I accept. And then we have a lot of goose jokes and a crystal joke and can we be done with this?
IT’S OVER. WE SURVIVED.
Images: Courtesy of ABC; Giphy (7)
Well, fam, we’re back for (supposedly) the last week of this season of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been begging for this moment to happen ever since the producers started trying to convince the contestants to make soft core porn with food a thing before each rose ceremony.
This week we’ll find out which couples will ruin their lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve known for about as long as my leftover Chinese food has been sitting in the fridge, and which couples will break up, having just brought shame upon their households by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer. *cough* Venmo John *cough, cough*. Shall we get started?
The episode opens with Kamil still talking about the Russian witch hunt. He’s like “she burned my picture in a fire, she’s definitely a witch,” which is literally something my ex has said about me so, what’s your point, Kamil? Hmm?
The next natural transition here is to introduce a date card into the mix. Joe mentions he’d like a date card because he’s never gotten one before and would like to solidify things with Kendall so production gives it to Jordan. ABC, why do you want me to burn your studios to the ground so bad?
Jordan asks Jenna on the date and it’s going to involve some sort of photoshoot, which I’m sure is code for softcore porn. Mark my words. And it’s wedding themed! I guess ABC was tired of sh*ting directly on the sanctity of marriage and decided to try their hand at perverting engagement photo shoots instead. This should be good. *turns up volume*
JENNA: I’m nervous about this photo shoot. I’m nervous about fake getting engaged. I’m nervous about my feelings for Jordan.
JORDAN: Not now, honey, you’re blocking my light!
Okay, why is Jenna acting like such an anxious freak rn? Could it be the drugs, or is it because they’re making her put on a wedding dress in front of a man she’s been dating for 9 days? I didn’t know she was capable of such rational thought, but okay.
Robby Hayes walks into Paradise and I’m confused as to why new men are still showing up. Is this not the finale? ABC DO NOT PLAY WITH ME LIKE THIS.
CASSIE: Robby is going to have a hard time here because everyone knows what a piece of sh*t he was to Amanda.
So naturally Shushanna, who has turned down literally every semi-nice guy to walk into Paradise, starts foaming at the mouth at the sight of Robby and his drawn on eyebrows. Damn, this girl is a psycho and I love it.
Robby asks Shu on the date and she accepts because
literally every other girl turned him down first she thinks he felt a connection with her. Godddd this date is so boring. They go on some sort of dinner/date combo that can be summed up in this entire exchange:
SHU: Apparently I’m a witch so be careful.
ROBBY: That’s okay, I bet you’re good in bed.
While the Russian and Robby are on their date, Jordan gathers the girls around to tell them the bedtime story of how Robby screwed over Amanda Stanton and there were receipts to prove it. Ah, yes, I believe I’ve heard of that one before. Scarier than the boogeyman. Meanwhile, Jenna hears the words “douchebag” and “cheater” and looks longingly into the distance.
Cut to Shu and Robby’s date and it actually seems to be going pretty well? Idk how this girl is doing it because I could not take a date with Robby and his blinding veneers seriously.
Back at the beach, the rest of the couples are trying to figure out if their relationships will make it past the tequila shots they took this summer. Doubtful.
Joe tells Kendall that he sees a future with her outside of Paradise and she looks like he just told her she should go lick their communal bathroom floor. MY GOD KENDALL. If you were so petrified of commitment why did you go on a show TWICE where the end goal is engagement? I swear to f*cking god, Kendall, I will skin your ungrateful body and hang it on my wall if you don’t start returning Joe’s love.
YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE FEELS, KENDALL??
Wait. Tonight’s a rose ceremony? Lol they’re still doing that? I figured production had abandoned them to tequila and their own devices at this point, but okay.
There’s only one rose that’s up for grabs and it’s Olivia’s. She gets to choose between Diggy, who is goddamn snack, or Venmo John, who can offer her
the world a rose next week but only if another girl doesn’t walk in first. This choice is so hard!!
Elsewhere, Kendall tells Joe that she loves him but she’s not in love with him and I’ve never wanted to cut someone so much in my entire life. She’s like “we just have doubts about this whole thing” and Joe goes “please stop saying ‘we’ because you know that’s not how I feel.” PLEASE STOP SAYING WE. I AM DEAD.
KENDALL: I don’t know if I’m in love with Joe.
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
OMG Joe is leaving?? Just like that? Tbh I didn’t think it was possible, but Joe comes out of this looking even better than before. Joe, call me.
Side note: I’m just imagining these two being stuck at the airport together actively not looking at each other and having their producers speak for them. You know Chris Harrison is somewhere saying “Oh, sorry! We booked you on the same flight. Budget cuts, you understand!”
Meanwhile, we’re still doing the rose ceremony I guess EVEN THOUGH LOVE IS DEAD. Fine. The rose ceremony goes as such:
- Cassie picks Kiwi Jordan
- Shushanna picks Robby
- Annaliese picks Kamil
- Astrid picks Kevin
- Krystal picks Chris
- Jenna picks Jordan
- Olivia picks… Venmo John?! WHAT. I guess nerds are so in this season.
Cut to the next morning and Chris Harrison drags everyone away from the bar long enough to let them know that no new people will be coming to Paradise. He’s like “if you do not leave this beach rn you will be contractually obligated to get engaged by the end of this, k?”
He leaves and couples start abandoning ship left and right. Venmo John after promising to always choose Olivia at the rose ceremony, immediately stutters out that he’s not ready for anything serious but, like, maybe they can hang out when they both get back to LA? So sweet. Cassie and Kiwi Jordan also call it quits.
Lol did Robby just tell Shu “have a nice summer, we’ll hang out soon”?? He might as well have said “don’t expect me to speak to you at Bachelor reunions but do expect me to DM you naked mirror selfies.” Ah, Robby Hayes, please
never change die in a fiery car crash already.
Wait. Do they not even get to say goodbye to their friends first? Or finish their breakfast? What about Kevin’s eight-egg omelette, Chris?! You savage.
Kevin and Astrid are up next and I have a feeling Kevin is about to say some dumb shit for no reason.
KEVIN: *opens mouth to speak*
ME: You should be wearing a helmet.
Kevin keeps saying how into Astrid he is, but how he has doubts about progressing their relationship to the next step in the fantasy suite. What? Does he think she’ll be bad in bed or something?
ASTRID: What do you have doubts about?
KEVIN: Well for starters, if I say no to the fantasy suite do I still get my grand slam breakfast?
Kevin says he has doubts about going into a fantasy suite again because he shouldn’t have gone into one with “someone else” and omg he’s totally talking about Ashley I. and her V-card.
WAIT. And now he’s dumping her? This sh*t is literally bananas. Like, Kevin displays more passion over his homemade salad dressings and eight-egg omelette than he is over Astrid rn. Hope that balsamic vinaigrette will suck your d*ck at night, Kevin!
Chris and Krystal, Annaliese and Kamil, and Jordan and Jenna are all going to the fantasy suites. Literally none of these couples should be getting engaged. Like, I can’t even believe they are making us entertain the possibility that any of these couples made it past Labor Day.
Moving on to the fantasy suites. Annaliese just asked Kamil if he could imagine himself with a girl like her and he came up with a very long convoluted answer that meant nothing but definitely got him laid. I’m sure when we find out at the reunion that he’s been sliding into other girls’ DMs, he’ll blame that little slip up on the language barrier. I see right through you, Kamil!
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A fantasy so “suite” with my favorite polish sausage. . . . . . . #polishboy #polishsausage #sausage #mexicanpolishkielbasa #polishkielbasa fantasysuite #bip #suitelife #sweetfantasy #fantasyorreality #datenight #love #romantic #bachelor #bachelorinparadise #mexico #summer @bachelorinparadise @vidanta @kamiloo
Meanwhile, Jordan is wearing a monochromatic outfit and telling Jenna he’s in love with her. Jenna says that she thinks God brought Jordan to her and it’s like please don’t bring God into this. God officially would like to be excluded from this narrative.
Jordan just stopped their make out session to fix his hair and my body shriveled up a little. And on that note, I’m out! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see which of these couples will actually
get engaged spit on the sanctity of marriage. See you betches then!
Well, fam, once again I find myself shackled to a couch for two hours watching scantily clad twentysomethings butcher the meaning of “witchcraft.” Ah, Bachelor in Paradise, it’s good to be home! I didn’t watch last night’s episode because I was busy living my life, but I did see that Colton and Tia are no longer. I guess Colton wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship, which is why he just signed up to be in 20 relationships at the same time. Cool, cool.
ABC: Colton is the next Bachelor!
ME: I’d like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be part of since summer 2018.
Moving on. Tonight’s episode starts off with a montage of all the happy couples and Venmo John. Seriously, HOW is this guy still here?
Astrid keeps saying that Kevin makes her feel like the most special girl in the whole world as the camera pans to a shot of them talking about salads. I’ve had a more meaningful conversation with my stapler, but okay.
Chris Harrison shows up as everyone is knee-deep in tequila shots and announces that instead of getting sh*tfaced all day they’ll have to be interviewed by former successful BiP couples: Tanner and Jade and Carly and Evan. Good going, Chris! Nothing kills a good buzz like Evan’s disgusting facial hair. Meanwhile, Kamil looks like he’d rather peel his flesh off with a blunt spoon than listen to relationship advice. Same, Kamil. Same.
CHRIS HARRISON: Love can be found here if you really really really
want to settle look for it.
They bring out the married couples who immediately start grilling everyone about their intentions. I’m sorry but, Carly, I’m pretty sure your intentions with Evan were to run as fast and as far as possible in the opposite direction. Please.
Jesus god. Every time Evan starts speaking and it reminds me why I’m glad I’m single.
EVAN: Don’t you want what me and Carly have?
WHAT CARLY AND EVAN HAVE:
KAMIL: Yeah, I don’t want that.
Kendall and Joe win the date because apparently they’re the most “stable.” What we don’t see is while they’re making this announcement Mike Fleiss is pointing a gun at Carly and Evan’s heads from behind the cabana.
HAHA. Kendall and Joe aren’t actually even going on a date, they’re just babysitting for the married couples. Laaame. Astrid doesn’t think Kendall should be trusted with a baby because she likes dead things in her hands, and it’s an excellent point. I’ll have child services ready and waiting on speed dial.
Joe is breathing the same air as a screaming baby and every woman in America’s ovaries just exploded at the cuteness. I can’t.
Cut to the rest of the house, who are discussing the prospect of marriage and kids as they pound enough tequila to tranquilize a miniature horse (RIP Lil’ Sebastian). Jordan announces that he’s ready for kids but only if he “finds the right breeder.” Well Jordan, my dog Snowball is AKC registered and available, and after that comment I think she’s about the only one willing to “breed” with you.
Okay, Cassandra is great. She’s being super direct and calling Eric out on all his bullsh*t. He keeps telling her that he really wants a relationship but can’t give her what she wants… which is a relationship. Tbh it kind of sounds like he just wants to bang in Paradise and then never speak to her again and have her be okay with that. Sounds like, oh I don’t know, every guy in New York City.
Eric starts freaking out because Cassie isn’t having it. She dared call him out on his bullsh*t and he starts having a mental breakdown. See, this is what’s wrong with men in 2018. Cassie points out that he’s essentially blowing smoke up her ass, and rather than apologize for assuming a grown-ass woman would like to be treated as his own personal summer toy, he feigns a mental breakdown and leaves Mexico. And everyone praises him for being in tune with his emotions! Meanwhile, if one of these girls *cough* Tia *cough, cough* pulled something similar then they’re “crazy” and “batsh*t.”
ERIC: Angela leaving was really hard on me. She was my girl.
ME: YOU KICKED HER OFF, THOUGH
See, this is a little confusing to me because I didn’t see a gun to Eric’s head forcing him to pick Cassandra over Angie?? I think Eric has multiple personalities or something, because sh*t isn’t lining up.
Wow wow wow wow. He’s waking Cassie up from a nap so he can break up with her. Soooo many levels of f*cked up right here.
ERIC: You awake?
ERIC: Good cause I just wanted to say that I’m leaving. Have a great summer!
Honestly, good riddance.
So I guess there are no new men coming tonight? Is that why production throws Chris a bone gives him and Krystal a date card? Chris keeps saying how he can’t imagine his life without Krystal, and I love that he conveniently forgets comparing her to an order of calamari in a four-course meal of women. Krystal, does it make you feel better knowing that at least you weren’t the hotel pillow mint he described Tia to be?
Yes, but at what cost sweetie?
Back at the beach, everyone is playing truth or dare like it’s my seventh grade sleepover. Here’s hoping Annaliese falls asleep early and Shushanna sticks her hand in a cup of warm water so she’ll wet the bed. Fingers crossed!
Kamil says that Shushanna freaks him out because she’s always staring at him, and yet he finds Annaliese, a woman who probably peed all over his belongings to mark her territory, normal. Interesting.
Kiwi Jordan also gets a date card and asks Shu on the date since he gave her his rose last week. Logical. She turns him down, though, because she says she’s still into Kamil. She’s like “Carly and Evan didn’t like each other at first either and now they’re married with babies.” Tbh she’s not wrong. Carly literally compared Evan’s personality to a flaccid penis. #NeverForget
Shushanna pulls Kamil aside so she can tell him once again that she will never give up on them. Kamil following her rn is like his mom told him he has to clean his room and she’s not leaving until he’s done. I’m dying. This girl is bonkers. He’s been pretty clear from the get-go that he’s not into her.
KAMIL: I’m not into you AT ALL. Do you understand?
Annaliese is no better, though. Kamil is really stuck between a rock and a crazy place.
Shushanna says she likes a challenge in a man, but why do I feel like her challenges always end in a restraining order?
Kamil starts exercising his 40 percent of the relationship and makes Annaliese confront the Russian for him. I don’t like that Annaliese calls Shush a witch, though. Like, what, just because she stares at someone too much and may or may not wish bad things upon their significant other, that makes her a witch? ‘Cause if so, then I’m a witch.
KAMIL: Shush has no beautiful inside, just a very beautiful outside which doesn’t match my insides.
Diggy shows up in Paradise and tries to ask Shush on a date but she turns him down because she prefers her men emotionally and legally unavailable. It’s a fair point. Diggy asks Olivia on the date instead, which I think is a wayyy better match anyway.
I love this pep talk Olivia is giving Shush rn. She’s like “I can really see you with Jordan, NOT DIGGY, and you should go on more dates with Jordan, NOT DIGGY.” Subtle, Olivia. V v subtle.
Okay, I’m starting to think Shushanna’s strategy in Paradise might be similar to my strategy for dating in general: complain about being alone but never go on any dates when people ask you.
Fast forward to later that night, and Shu decides that she might actually be into Kiwi Jordan! I’m sure it had nothing to do with that hyper suggestive pep talk Olivia gave her and everything to do with their “connection.”
Everyone keeps calling Shushanna a witch, but do they know what witchcraft actually involves? They’re like “she’s all over the map she must be a witch” but she’s not acting any less insane then I do after five mimosas and a minute alone with my Snapchat followers.
SHUSHANNA: *is honest about her feelings and isn’t afraid to pursue a man*
Shushanna pulls Kiwi Jordan aside for a date she plans around the fire and he seems genuinely terrified to be anywhere near her and an open flame. Kiwi Jordan tells her “it’s not me, it’s you, because you literally told me to date other people” and she f*cking loses it. She’s like “if you want dessert it’s over there, bye” and then throws herself on the nearest daybed and starts sobbing.
Side note: Shu crying in this day bed is literally me when I can’t find my headphones and want to go to the gym. True story.
SHUSHANNA: I’ll never find love and I’m a f*cking witch!
KIWI JORDAN: That’s just a stumble!
That’s just a stumble! Ah, that’s good. I’m going to use that the next time I vomit in my bathtub instead of the toilet.
IMAGES: Giphy (6); @bach3lornation /Instagram (1); @shushanna_mk /Instagram (1)