Well, kids, we made it. I’m exhausted, I’m out of breath, and my liver is fighting hard not to crumble under the amount of boxed wine it took me to get through this season, but we did it. We have (supposedly) made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been begging for this moment to happen ever since the producers started making food foreplay a thing before each rose ceremony.
Speaking of rose ceremonies, this is a big week for the couples. We’ll get to find out which of these lovebirds will ruin their lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve known for about as long as I leave my suitcases packed after a trip and which couples
will break up have just brought shame upon their households by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer. Let’s dive into it!
Abigail & Noah
Last week was a tough one for Noah and Abigail. Not only did Noah get a glimpse of their future and then promptly attempt to moonwalk away from it, but they were forced to have that conversation while dressed like extras from the set of Pretty in Pink. And not, like, the popular extras from that movie. God, imagine looking so heinous during a breakup that is broadcast to millions of people? That 80s theme was definitely crafted to humiliate them further. Bravo, ABC. Bravo.
As Abigail gives a full-on Josie Grossie meltdown, Noah gives her a solid five extra minutes of his time before being like “well, good season everyone! It was fun while it lasted!” Sir, this isn’t the ending to a Mighty Ducks movie. What kind of exit speech is that? Hearts are on the line here!
NOAH: She’s a great girl, but are we each other’s soul mates?
I do appreciate how realistic Noah is being here. I mean, he’s not wrong. In a matter of days these people will have to get engaged to each other. And while the sanctity of marriage means nothing to this franchise, it still seems laughable to me that any of them feel the relationship they built on mimosas and tequila shots is strong enough to withstand an engagement. Noah is still trying to figure out how to layer all of those delicate necklaces, for god’s sake. He’s not ready for that kind of commitment!
Oh, Jesus Christ. Why is Serena crying? Word gets out about Abigail and Noah’s breakup and the news rocks the rest of the contestants. Why they’re mourning this relationship like it’s a beloved grandparent and not some white dude with a penchant for wearing shirts unbuttoned to his navel turning out to be a fuckboy, I’m not sure. I can only assume it’s the Stolkholm Syndrome fully setting in that has these people in such stitches.
Becca & Thomas
Every time I see Becca and Thomas on my screen, I’m taken aback. A former beloved Bachelorette talking to a man who was banished from his season with all of the power of a generations-strong witches curse? Make! It! Make! Sense!
While Thomas and Becca were mooning over each other at prom and picked each other at the last rose ceremony, Becca is having doubts about attending the fantasy suite with him. Case in point: Thomas tells Becca that he’s all in with her, and she visibly cringes. Wow, not a strong start.
BECCA: I’m just not sure I’m there yet. I think I need more time.
HAHAHAHA. Thomas is so messy for drama and I love it. Before Becca can even finish her thought, Thomas begins openly weeping on that day bed. He warbles something about one day maybe being able to love again and then stumbles for the exit. Becca chases after him to probably tell him to slow his roll, she just meant she wants to continue dating him, but Thomas has already committed to the main character energy and can’t be tamed. He’s like, “if you ever loved me just let me go!” and I’m dead. DECEASED. I’ve had less dramatic exits leaving a Macy’s dressing room in 7th grade. If you really want to perfect that method acting, Tommy, try embodying the mindset of a barely pubescent girl who is both looking for a “sexy” dress for the school dance and simultaneously afraid to shave her legs above the knee.
Also, it feels very meta watching their relationship play out on the show because if you’ve been following either of them at all IRL, you’d see that they don’t go a single day without @ing each other on social media. So, like, what am I even watching here? They’re clearly still together. ABC, stop wasting my time with this old footage and give me the good stuff!!
Maurissa & Riley
Riley and Maurissa continue to prove that love isn’t actually dead. They decide to go to the fantasy suites together, partly because they want to see if their relationship can make it in the real world and partly because they ran out of whipped cream on the beach anyway. Also, I love that they all think a night in the fantasy suites will properly prepare them for the real world. Yes, champagne and private hot tubs is exactly the harsh dose of reality they needed to get an accurate picture of life outside of Paradise.
One of the most raw moments of Bachelor television I’ve ever witnessed occurs when Riley tells Maurissa that he has this recurring dream about Sunday mornings, one where he wakes up to a wife and kids and lazy days in bed and, Y’ALL, I AM CRYING IN THIS CLUB RN.
RILEY: When I see you, I see Sunday morning
I AM NOT WELL. It’s actually unhealthy how happy I am for these complete strangers. I’m so happy for them that I will even ignore Maurissa slipping in a joke about sucking his toes during the proposal scene the next day. I’m so happy that I’ll even ignore how distracted I am by the fact that these people are melting right before my very eyes. My god, did they have to propose on the surface of the sun?! I’ve seen people leave less wet after a SeaWorld performance.
Also, just gonna leave this here:
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Mari & Kenny
Like every other couple this week, Kenny and Mari also have to decide if they’re going to take their relationship to the next level. Kenny says that his only concern about Mari is her age, which is fun because last week his biggest concern was that she wouldn’t let him dip her entire body in queso on a Wednesday. Those seem like two contrasting concerns, but okay.
Going into the fantasy suites, Kenny continues to question Mari’s commitment to their relationship. He says that she’s never really been 100% with him. LOL. This coming from the guy who played topless volleyball with Tia and brought Demi to the boom boom room. But sure, Mari is the one who isn’t ready for marriage…
KENNY: No one expects me to get married, no one expects me to have kids.
Yes, well, that could be because of the smattering of star tattoos sprinkled across your ribcage.
Cut to the proposal day and Mari looks absolutely stunning. Kenny, meanwhile, looks less like he’s about to propose and more like he’s about to shout “SPRING BREAK, BITCHES” into a crowd full of college kids and then pelt them with jello shots. His actual proposal isn’t much better. He says that it wasn’t love at first sight with them but it was “something.” Why do I have the feeling he’s referring to his boner here? At least class it up for this one thing, Kenny!
KENNY: *waggles eyebrows* I asked Mari to mari me
And just like that, they’re engaged! I can’t wait to see the tuxedo-printed bro tank Kenny designs for their wedding day. Should be magical.
Serena & Joe
ABC tried hard to make the finale into something that wasn’t 180 minutes of footage of melatonin given physical form, only to fail miserably in that endeavor. They particularly focused those efforts on Joe and Serena’s relationship. I assume they took one look at Serena’s butterfly hair clips and Soffee shorts and struggled, as I did, to take this relationship seriously. It seems like low-hanging fruit to me, but who am I to judge?
The happy couple goes off to the Fantasy Suites for a night of Joe having to explain to Serena that it’s impolite to ask the waiter the alcohol percentage of each wine. Joe says that he thought he would be more confused going into proposal day, but instead he’s never been more sure about his feelings for Serena. I mean, actually his exact words were: “everything that just happened between us is just natural” and it’s like, we get it, Joe. She’s so young you don’t need lube. Enough.
Cut to proposal day and Joe is standing on the beach wearing his best Costco bulk order polo when who should appear? KENDALL. Okay, this is just cruel at this point. What is the point of bringing Kendall back? Haven’t we exhausted this plot point already? And Kendall, girlfriend, I’ve defended you throughout this season but this is… too far. Which family member is ABC holding for ransom behind the scenes, because I can’t believe you did this of your own free will!
Ultimately, Kendall’s reappearance does nothing to deter him from proposing to Serena. He says that even though he’s old enough to have a MySpace account and she’s young enough to have a Finsta, they can make it work (I paraphrase). Never mind that Serena isn’t even a U.S. citizen. I for one, cannot WAIT to see the 90 Day Fiancé x Bachelor Nation spin-off this relationship has the power to generate. I ask for so little, just let me have this one thing!
JOE & SERENA:
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KENDALL, A GIRL WHO IS TOTALLY DOING FINE:
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And that’s the season, kids! We have exactly two weeks until Michelle’s season of The Bachelorette airs, so I’ll be spending that down time constantly refreshing Maurissa’s IG feed to live vicariously through her happiness. Until then!
Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); @joeamabile1 /Instagram (1); @itskendalllong /Instagram (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1)
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Hello, Bachelor Nation! Welcome to week two, night two of Bachelor in Paradise, the night no one asked for, no one needed, and no one has time for, but ABC has shoved down our throats anyway! How did we get so lucky? For those of you who watch BiP while also skimming Instagram, trolling celebrities on Twitter, and attempting to solve the JonBenet Ramsey case (just me?) let me briefly recap Monday night’s episode. The self-proclaimed “Mayor of Paradise” returned and no one really wanted to go on a date with him, Hannah G continued to rip Dylan’s soul into little pieces and eat them for breakfast, and Caelynn and Mike went on a date where they did nothing but look at each other with deranged smiles. Onward!
We begin this episode with JPJ passed out in the pool and it’s full on daytime. So I guess Wells is serving tequila with everyone’s cheerios. Good to know where we’re at.
At the bar, Demi is having Derek smell her armpits, and asking him to answer the number one question in my BiP group chat, “How bad do the people on Paradise smell?” According to Derek, not that bad. Now I know Derek is a liar and not to be trusted.
Everyone keeps saying that Demi and Derek are this perfect couple, but apparently she isn’t sure how she is feeling about him. Demi is stressing about telling him that she had been dating a woman back home, so naturally she goes to Katie, the woman who was sobbing last night because Wills told said he liked her, for advice. I’m sure this will work out well.
Demi tells Katie that she’s worried about what people will think about her dating history, and that she only just told her parents before she left. Okay, understandable. But also, Demi, should you be going on this show if you’re dating someone at home? Don’t we know a few people who got skewered for this lately? You know right now Jed is hiding away in some hole in Nashville furiously scribbling a sh*tty chorus and crooning, “Why didn’t she get in trouble too, if it happened to me it should happen to you” (Now available on all streaming platforms, obviously).
She should have smashed that guitar.
Meanwhile, Kevin is walking around asking why everyone likes Blake when he’s not even that good looking. GREAT QUESTION, SIR. You can sit with us, Kevin.
The girls get together and start sh*t talking Hannah G, and I’ve been wondering when the women would start to realize that little miss innocent over here was actually just a life-size doll commissioned by ABC execs, designed to every man’s dream measurements, and intended to f*ck up all the women’s good times.
Dylan, like the sad sad soul he is, decides to approach Hannah to find out what’s going on between her and Blake. Because I guess the BDSM madam that usually beats the sh*t out of him wasn’t available today, and he was really in the mood to feel pain.
Hannah tells Dylan that she is just trying to remain “open.” I hope you all have been taking shots every time she says open, that way we can be blackout by the end of this thing.
Dylan says that he feels like he “doesn’t know something,” and I’m sure he doesn’t feel that way at all because a producer told him too. Also, Dylan, you’re a sweetheart, but there are a lot of things you don’t know, including how to tell if a girl is that into you, when you should just cut your losses, and, let’s be honest, probably learn how to read.
Hannah comes clean and says that a week before Paradise, Blake flew to Birmingham and they made out. And with this information, Hannah finally completes the dementor’s kiss on Dylan and sucks all of his soul out of his body. He is now just the shell of a man with an ill-advised chest tattoo. Sad.
Back at the table, Blake is also telling some of the girls that he flew to Birmingham to see Hannah. Sydney, Tayshia, and Nicole are pissed. How dare Hannah not tell them! She slept in the same room with them for a brief time on a reality tv show! She owes them!
Tayshia decides to approach Hannah, and is so sweet about it: “Hey cutie! Do you have a second for me to emotionally ruin you?”
First, Tayshia makes sure that Hannah knows that she didn’t even want Blake in the first place so SHE dumped HIM, he didn’t dump HER, okay. Everyone got that? Tayshia was the dumper, not the dumpee. Put it on her gravestone. Now that that’s cleared up, Hannah tells Tayshia that Blake coming to Birmingham was private and she didn’t want to reveal anything that was his personal business. That’s how he got the other’s to keep quiet too, Hannah.
Hannah also says that she is going to “respect anyone who is going into this being open,” referring to Blake. Look, I know Chris Harrison is only contractually obligated to appear on 120 seconds of this sh*t storm, but I think it is incredibly important that he spend at least five of those seconds smacking Hannah in the face with a thesaurus.
Do we think it’s a little weird that everyone is so mad that Hannah is into Blake? Yeah, he is the human embodiment of a whole wheat noodle you cooked too long, but dating multiple people is the whole point of this show. It’s not called the Bachelor in the Convent for a reason, people. So, can’t we attack Hannah over something real, like the fact that she hasn’t been able to come up with one synonym for the word open? And yes, that was another joke about the word open, but the amount of jokes I’m writing about it are proportionate to the amount of times she says it, so if you want to blame anyone, blame Hannah, k?
Caelynn pretends to be concerned for Hannah and says that if she gives Blake her rose, next week a new shiny girl will walk down the beach and he will drop her immediately. I love that Caelynn is now lecturing people about this, when she 10000% did the same thing to Cam last week. I guess it takes a manipulator to know one.
OMG, Dean shows up and he looks like what my mother used to refer to throughout my whole childhood as a “drug rat.” He apparently lives in a van right now, has no job, no running water, and clearly no mirror. He claims to have learned a lot since the last time he was on Paradise, but I’m skeptical that he’s learned anything other than how to go 45 days without washing his hair. Somehow, the women are into it. I guess they’re less superficial than me *wink*.
Dean pulls a few girls to talk and one of them is Kristina, because he wants to show her what she’s definitely not missing.
Caelynn is sobbing over Kristina, or Blake, or the fact that she lost The Bachelorette to someone far superior, and now she’s forced to be on a beach full of losers (just guessing!), and Dean takes this as his cue to go talk to her. Men on The Bachelor franchise are to emotionally unstable women what Leo DiCaprio is to 18-year-old blondes. Moths to a flame. And dare I say, this seems just like something a dude that lives in his van would do.
Dean asks Caelynn on the date, and it makes Cam sad. Cam cries alone on a rock. On a bed. In a swing. It looks like ABC now stands for Always Be Crying.
Dean and Caelynn go on their date and she’s lucky he’s not buying, because now his first dates usually consist of foraging for food in the dumpster behind the local Chili’s. Last week he found half of a chicken crisper! Dean says he is ashamed of how he acted the last time he was on Paradise. I mean he really was kind of a sh*t, but at least he didn’t have that mustache. Caelynn tells him she’s been intrigued by him and his lifestyle. Go sleep in your car for one night Caelynn, you’ll get over it.
They jump into a pool and make out, and Dean seems confused because he thought this was going to be a bath. I’m sure that’s how production bribed him to be on this season. You give us your dignity, we’ll give you soap and running water! Seems fair!
Does anyone else feel like Caelynn is doing this to get back at Kristina? She was JUST crying over how mad she was at Kristina, and now she’s wearing a deep-v swimsuit and grinding up on Kristina’s ex. Coincidence?
Demi continues her “I’m sexually fluid” world tour, and her next stop is with Tayshia. I’m not sure Tayshia understands what Demi is telling her though, because she asks Demi if she can just date Derek and the other girl. Tayshia, honey, that’s polyamory, not bisexuality. Or, I guess, it’s just The Bachelor. Never mind.
Paradise is interrupted when a stranger walks in that no one has ever seen before. He claims his name is “Christian,” and claims that he was on Becca’s season, and so if we’re all cool with making sh*t up then I claim I am Liam Hemsworth’s next wife.
Nicole thinks “Christian” is sexy, and I think she is going to be disappointed when she finds out he is a rando that producers dragged off the street to drum up some non-Blake related drama. And where is Chris Harrison? Too busy having a cocktail to man the door? On one of Jorge’s Torgues?
Clay says he is worried that Nicole will like “Christian”. I’m sorry, but I can’t with Clay’s voice. If I closed my eyes I would think he was a nerdy teenager who writes Harry Potter fan fiction and is wondering when his mom will finally be done microwaving his Totino’s pizza rolls.
“Christian” asks Nicole on the date and she agrees. Tayshia is clearly so mad that no guys are into her this season. She comments before they leave that Nicole went from having no one-on-ones to having three. Alright, Tayshia. All the flavors in the world and you choose to be salty?
On their date, Nicole and “Christian” go jet skiing and then lounge on the beach.
NICOLE: If you play your cards right maybe I’ll let you take me out to dinner
When Nicole comes back, she’s fielding questions from everyone. I swear the girl suddenly has some options and now she thinks she’s Beyoncé. Sydney grabs her, and Nicole tells her that “Christian” is hot and “he makes everything sexual.” And now I wish I was dead. And it looks like Syd does too.
Clay pulls Nicole aside, and Nicole tells him she wants him to be more assertive. “Christian” interrupts their cuddle session and says he “wants to finish off his date.”Does he mean sexually? I know he’s feigning a language barrier, but have some subtlety! Also, now I know for sure he was never on this show, because he doesn’t understand how dates work. It’s over, bro.
Clay is nicer than I am, so he tries to explain to “Christian” that once they returned to the house the date ended, but “Christian” will not listen. This confrontation leaves Clay with the shakes. If a little back-and-forth with a Z-list actor the producers hired to rile people up leaves Clay this disturbed, it’s no wonder he didn’t make it in football. They don’t just yell at you in that sport, they hit you until you sustain irreparable brain damage! It’s best that’s over for him now.
And we’ve made it to a rose ceremony! I am shook they didn’t make us wait until next week.
Chris Harrison is forced to leave his latest golf game to explain to the contestants how many of them will go home this week. He is very mad that they dragged him away from the 16th hole and his fifth margarita just because no one else could do simple math.
During the cocktail party, Demi pulls Derek aside because she wants to explain what’s up with her. She tells him that the reason she has been evading his questions is because she has been casually dating a woman and she has been worried about it, and she says she’s still very much interested in him.
DEMI: How do you feel about this
She says it could not have gone better and so maybe we didn’t watch the same thing, but hey, as long as she feels good, I feel good.
Elsewhere, Caelynn is asking the hard questions, like where does Dean shower? Dean replies, “here, there, everywhere.” THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY VAGUE, DEAN.
Oh GOD JPJ wrote Tayshia a poem. Why do guys think women want to hear their sh*tty acrostics? All I want are Reese’s peanut butter cups and for someone to tell me I’m pretty. No rhyming necessary.
WAIT. JPJ did not even write this poem! He is just repeating something he read in the Spark Notes for Romeo and Juliet during freshman year. Clearly he was drunk the entire time, because this recitation is atrocious.
Tayshia is so impressed by this that she calls him an intellectual, and I would like to know where she got the evidence to support that? Because all I have seen tonight is JPJ laying under two giant pillows, and failing to remember the most widely quoted Shakespeare passage of all time.
^^a real Einstein
“Christian” pulls Nicole aside to feed her chocolate-covered strawberries and hit a piñata or something? I swear, if there are peanut butter cups in there I will take back every bad thing I said about this man.
Clay is watching them wistfully, while everyone encourages him to go over there and beat “Christian” up. He decides to do it, and I love how everyone keeps telling Clay, “BE MORE AGGRESSIVE,” so he approaches his rival and immediately compliments the lovely set-up “Christian” has going on there. Sweet, sweet Clay. You’re physically 6’4” and mentally 5’0”, aren’t you, honey?
After complimenting “Christian,” Clay asks if he can talk to Nicole for a minute. It’s weird and unsuccessful. He tells her to have fun, but not too much. I think that would be a threat from anyone else, but I’m pretty sure Clay is just being genuine.
Clay then immediately returns to gossip with the Mayor of Paradise and the Walmart Brand Odell Beckham, Jr., and they are not having it. They wanted to see a fight! So, Jordan decides to start one himself.
He proceeds to walk over to “Christian” and Nicole’s date, rip down the piñata, and start some sh*t. They begin to fight over the pinata, and never in my wildest dreams did I think while I was working my little fingers to the bone to get my English degree that I’d have to write about two manscaped reality stars fighting over a children’s birthday party decoration but THIS IS WHERE WE ARE NOW. And with that, I’ll catch you all next week, when I can hopefully write about tickle fights!
Images: clayharbs82 / Instagram; Giphy (5)