Tonight on Bachelor in Paradise, Jenna wakes up the morning after the rose ceremony with the realization that Jordan will do anything for an infinitesimal amount of fame, including murdering a stuffed animal on national television. I was assuming she had working eyes and ears like the rest of us and would have figured that out the second Jordan breathed in her direction but, alas, I assumed too much. She’s like “I still like Jordan but if anyone with a penis walks through that door I will be trying to go on a date with them.” Fair.
Omgggg Kendall and Joe are so freaking cute. I can’t. All I have to say is if she breaks his heart I will lead the angry mob that wants to mount her head on a wall like she did her family cat.
Leo is the first new guy to walk into Paradise and his hair is doing far better in this humidity than I thought it would. Meanwhile, every single girl on that island immediately orgasms at the sight of his man bun.
Jenna is like “my first impression of Leo is that he’s got confidence.” I’m sure that’s exactly what the director of his first porno said about him too.
Okay, I do NOT like the way Kendall is looking at him from across the room rn. He starts interviewing all of the blondes first because apparently that’s his type. I’m sure Becca feels real good watching this at home.
Leo asks Kendall on the date and SHE SAYS YES. KENDALL. WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING. Whatever. Honestly Kendall, if you’re gonna look elsewhere besides Joe then YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM. Also, Joe, you can call me.
KENDALL: So are you okay with this?
JOE: Sure. But I hope it rains and you have a terrible time.
Considering those are literally the exact words I used when my roommate told me she couldn’t come to brunch with me because she had a “family thing”, I think he handled that pretty well.
Y’ALL JORGES TORGES IS BACK. F*ck Arie and Amanda Stanton making a cameo, Jorge is the real star of this show. Also, does this mean his Mexican tour guides business didn’t work out for him then? Shame.
Wait. Jorge writes romance novels now? You’re telling me that while I’ve been over here pitching think pieces on if Tia got a boob job or not this guy became a published author? That’s what you’re telling me rn?
They bring out some old Bachelor rejects to reenact the plot from Jorge’s book and it’s more painful to watch then the YouTube videos I made with my best friend in 7th grade where we pretended to be members of the band B*Witched.
I will begrudgingly say that this date at least had some thought put into it. Bravo, ABC. Leo and Kendall have to shoot a romance cover for Jorge’s book. Jorge has them in all these compromising positions and it’s like, Jorge, I thought you were on my side? JOE DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS, JORGE. They start making out and there’s limbs and hair everywhere. I want to stop watching but it’s like I can’t look away from this gyrating mass of hair.
Kendall and Leo finally take a break from dry humping against the nearest palm tree to come back to the beach and flaunt their sexual chemistry in front of Joe.
JOE: Why are you in a robe?
ISN’T THAT THE QUESTION, JOE.
God, I can’t believe Kendall is trying to back burner GROCERY STORE JOE after spending three hours with a man who bases his entire aesthetic on an 80s teenage girl’s calendar. I guess it’s true what they say: you can lead a horse to water but you can’t force the horse to realize she’s making a big f*cking mistake with Fabio.
Kendall starts crying in the confessional booth. She’s like “I didn’t realize it would be sooo hard to choose between two attractive men who are into me. Why me??”
ME LISTENING TO KENDALL RN:
Cut to Leo, who’s reduced Chelsea, A SINGLE MOTHER, to suggestively licking her lips over a warm glass of Titos. Seriously, ladies, what is going on here? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
LEO: Do you like piña coladas? And getting lost in the rain?
CHELSEA: God, take me now.
They start making out in the hot tub and I am PRAYING Kendall walks in on this. Though something tells me walking in on her man making out with someone else might actually turn that crazy b*tch on.
Cut to the next morning and Joe is already heavily drinking. Respect. He has to watch Kendall and Leo nuzzle noses from across the room, and I don’t blame him for not wanting to be sober for that. I’m not even sober for that. *sips wine*
Leo is like “I know we’re gonna have a story together.” Yeah and I bet that story will be “How I Got An STD in Paradise.” Good luck with that, Kendall!
Because the producers want me fly to LA and set fire to ABC studios, they give the next date card to Colton instead of Joe. Unless the two of them get murdered while out pretending to buy authentic Mexican souvenirs, then I don’t want to see this date.
Colton asks Tia on the date, because I can only assume production is holding his family hostage somewhere until he breaks down and says Tia is his girlfriend. I’m also using the term “date” loosely here because really they’re just wandering aimlessly in a Mexican tourist trap.
Raven and Adam from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise suddenly show up during this weird game of musical chairs taking place in the town square. Tia is practically foaming at the mouth to brag to Raven about some guy who told her “I guess I want to see where things go with you.” Naturally, Raven looks piiisseddd.
Yoooo Raven is being so real with Tia right now and it’s long overdue. She’s like “I just don’t think he likes you though?” THANK YOU, RAVEN. Where were you last week when she was crying by a sand dune in the fetal position?
RAVEN: If he hurts you I will cut his penis off and then he’ll never be able to lose his virginity.
Ah, Raven. You’ve been missed.
Here we go again. It’s the Tia and Colton show. After Tia talks with Raven she immediately pulls Colton aside to lock sh*t down. Lest he have five minutes alone with his thoughts to remember he isn’t that into her and doesn’t actually want to be there.
TIA: Raven thinks you don’t really like me?
OMG Tia you are not getting engaged at the end of this! Just because you managed to blackmail Colton into asking you to be his girlfriend does not mean you’ll get a ring. If that were true then I would be engaged rn and certainly not entertaining the idea of going on a second date with a guy who tries to start a text conversation with me by saying “‘sup”.
I guess Jenna’s box dye job finally washed out because suddenly she’s a blonde? And did it happen before or after Leo said he was into blondes?
Benoit shows up to Paradise next and immediately captures Jenna’s attention. Which is saying something, because that girl has the attention span of a cat with a laser wand.
BENOIT: Jenna, I like your vibe. I like your energy.
That would be the cocaine, Benny.
Benoit asks Jenna on the date and I’m scared to see what Jordan throws into the ocean next. Perhaps that tropical three-piece suit. A girl can dream.
Okay, Jenna looks amazing so you know she didn’t come to play. For their date they go to the Mexican equivalent of a Denny’s. I guess the spent their entire budget on that photo shoot, huh? How romantic.
Okay, WHAT are these two talking about rn? Jenna’s like “can you go deep though?” and Benoit is like, “Oh I can go deep.”
Meanwhile, back at the beach, Jordan is slowly losing his sh*t. He starts drawing something in the sand and 10 bucks says it’s a crude rendering of his penis.
Jenna gets back from the date and she. is. smitten. She’s like “Benoit is saying all the right things, everything I want to hear.” It’s crazy how the producers make that happen, isn’t it?
Lol, okay so Jordan wasn’t drawing nudes, just a giant “I’m sorry” written in the sand. I put more effort into my grocery lists then he has with this apology, so she better not fall for it.
JENNA: Jordan is being super vulnerable and I’m confused.
SAME GIRL. I am confused as to why you think this is a genuine display of human emotion?
And on that note, I’m outtie, betches. We’ll have to wait until next week to see which loser Jenna chooses to “trust with her heart.” Should be riveting.