The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: I Hate It Here

Well, well, well what a week it has been for Bachelor Nation. It was already hard enough that we had to say goodbye to Dildo Girl, our favorite camp counselor and sex positive queen, BUT now we gotta deal with Chris Harrison and the rest of the Bachelor franchise acting like racist trash? I’m not going to rehash the entire problematic exchange (you can read all about it here), but I will say it’s almost like the franchise only chooses to support diversity when it’s convenient and/or popular for them to do so, and not because they genuinely have a desire to share Black and Brown stories. But I’m sure ABC and Chris Harrison are taking all of our feedback and are using this time as an opportunity to grow. And by “time” I mean the one to two episodes Chris Harrison will be sidelined from hosting to focus on “accountability.” To be fair, I’m pretty sure that’s how long cancel culture works for middle-aged white dudes in the country anyway. 

Moving on to this week’s episode, and to drama that doesn’t make me want to set fire to everything on this earth: Heather is in the houseeeee! Last week, Heather Martin of Colton’s season (and Hannah Brown’s TikTok videos) decided she was so bored in quarantine that she would literally do anything for human interaction, including willingly walking into this hostage situation in progress. Of course, Matt is the hostage in this scenario. The women have completely descended into a mob rule/Lost Boys type situation here. I would not be surprised if that bloodcurdling scream Pieper let out after Heather interrupted her alone time with Matt was some sort of code for her people on the outside to call in a ransom on one of Matt’s turtlenecks loved ones. 

We definitely think the producers had to feed Matt Heather’s name, right? Heather says that Hannah shared with her some “stories about his heart” and it’s like, I don’t want to hear one more story about Matt praying before he eats a Costco free sample. Give me the dirt. Why don’t these people ever share stories about their friends having one too many at half-priced wine night and throwing up in their purse in the Uber ride home. Paint a realistic picture of their future partner, I beg of you!

I’m still just so shocked that Heather had the audacity to roll up here in her minivan halfway through the process. The logic is just not there. If Matt really wanted Hannah B to pick out a girl for him, he would not have gone on The Bachelor, he would have responded to the group chat.

 

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I love that Heather thinks there’s any chance in hell those girls are going to let her sit on that couch with them. Before she can even get out her name, the girls immediately start coming for her throat and it is BRUTAL. They’re freaking vultures. *turns the volume all the way tf up*

PIEPER: Sounds like you’re Bachelor hopping. 

Okay, Pieper. Like you aren’t going to swap fluids in Mexico with half of Bachelor Nation once this is all over. Please. Also, PIEper is clearly taking out all her lifelong anger over having to spell her name like that into this 20-second interaction with Heather. That’s the only cause for this much hostility. 

Matt also cannot believe that Heather had the audacity to roll up here in her minivan halfway through the process. He must have said the word “minivan” at least three times in the last 30 seconds. Yes, it was a real sacrifice, Matt. Her Instagram brand will definitely suffer. 

Heather keeps saying how serious she is about this process, but Matt doesn’t seem to be buying it. I’m sorry, but did no one show him her quarantine footage?  She Rapunzel-ed her hair out a window for him! She practiced making out on her hand for him! How is that not commitment? 

Matt must sense that if he entertains this Heather thing for any longer, he might find that Pieper’s people have destroyed the necklines to all of his favorite turtlenecks. He’s got to put an end to this ASAP before anyone else gets hurt. He tells Heather goodbye and she seems way too upset about this. It’s okay, sweetie. I’m sure he’ll catch you on Raya in a few months when he’s single again! 

Going into the rose ceremony, Matt makes a speech commending the ladies for how they handled Heather’s presence this evening. I’m sorry, but what exactly is there for him to commend? They made her cry! Middle school girls locker rooms are less toxic than what just took place on my screen. 

Speaking of toxic, at the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Chelsea and Serena C.

Matt just lost about 10 pounds of negative energy now that Serena and her eyelash extensions are gone. I could not be more thrilled. Justice for Dildo Girl has been served!!

Serena’s One-On-One Date

Even though Abigail and Jessenia are the only girls who haven’t received a one-on-one with Matt, he invites Serena P on the first one-on-one date of the week. Yikes. He says that he chose Serena because it’s the perfect date for them as a couple. First of all, tantric yoga? Seriously? This might have been the perfect date for Dildo Girl, but not for the girl who just visibly cringed at the sight of you in cropped leggings. Second of all, who would ask for this?? Just because you say things like you believe in “chakras” doesn’t mean I’m buying that a girl doing splits on your face has anything to do with your emotional growth as a couple. I’m already wishing I could pour bleach on my eyeballs.

Ooof, Serena is not into this. She says this was way outside of her comfort zone. I love that this girl says she’s not into public affection but signed up for a show where the camera man is contractually obligated to zoom in on a man’s fingers inches from her labia. Matthew, HANDS!!

Matt is visibly upset that Serena isn’t enjoying his date, and I have a feeling Serena could be going home for this. All because she didn’t like having to avoid eye contact with his chubby for the last 90 minutes. Shame.  

Well, it appears true love can conquer all, even a grown-ass man wearing Lululemon. The evening portion of the date goes way better for the two of them. Matt realizes that just because a woman doesn’t want to poorly reenact the kama sutra in front of God and Ashli the tantric yoga instructor, that doesn’t mean they aren’t compatible as a couple. Serena gets the date rose, securing the first spot in the hometowns lineup. 

The Group Date

The group date this week is strange because there appears to be no actual activity tied to it. Instead we’re dropped straight into footage from the cocktail hour, making it less of an actual date and more of just Matt making out with girls in different corners of a hotel lobby. So, basically, what he was doing before he became the Bachelor. It’s sweet that he’s going back to his roots this week. 

The most shocking revelations during the date come from Bri and Kit. Bri confesses that she had to quit her job in order to continue on Matt’s season. I may or may not have let out a strangled gasp at that proclamation. We aren’t told what exactly her job entails, but the internet is speculating that it’s a big f*cking deal. I can’t believe she resigned from her job during a global pandemic, when unemployment is at a historic high, for a man wearing a turtleneck and a ladies leather jacket. Bri, honey, whyyyyyyyyyy?

Kit is also full of confessions this week. She lays down some ground rules for Matt and one of those is that if he wants to get engaged then she needs to… finish school?? Okay, she is too young for this show. She just said that having kids by 25 is a long-term investment for her!! Those are words that came out of her mouth!! MY GOD, the Disney Channel has older talent on their roster! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! 

 

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Kit ends up self-eliminating after the group date. She says it’s because she still has doubts about their relationship, but I have a feeling her famous mother would disinherit her if she allowed an ABC production crew into their home. Not for COVID safety purposes, but just like, primetime television? In this house? Ew. 

Next up on the chopping block: Abigail. If I’m being honest, Abigail has been struggling for weeks now. She hasn’t had very much alone time with Matt and even admits that they’ve only ever had “a few good conversations.” Yikes. That’s practically Bachelor code for “friend-zoned.” 

She asks Matt straight up how he’s feeling about her and he all but jumps at the excuse to send her home. Trash. TRASHHHHH. 

ABIGAIL: I’m the kind of girl who makes men realize they want someone else.
ME:

ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS, MATTHEW? I WOULD GO TO WAR FOR THIS GIRL. Abigail is truly too pure for this Earth and she’s got me in my feels with this exit interview. He keeps sidelining these down-to-earth, authentic women, in favor of girls whose resumes include things like “has swipe up capabilities on IG” and it’s making me sick. That said, Abigail, I know this hurts, but you just dodged a bullet, girlfriend. His jacket literally squeaked when he hugged you goodbye. 

Rachael ends up getting the group date rose, but the real winner is the camera work being done here. The losers look completely crestfallen, like the producers just asked them to choose between deleting their Instagram accounts and staying on the show for one more week. They keep panning between the losers, sitting dejectedly on the sofas, and Rachael and Matt trying to swallow each other’s faces in the next room. It’s just so…

Jessenia’s One-On-One Date

It’s crazy that Jessenia is an actual contender for hometown dates because all I know about her is that MJ once gave her two for flinching. Like, I just learned the proper spelling of her name this week. This is a problem. 

Okay, I would hate dating Matt. He says “I’m an adrenaline junkie” with far too much chaotic energy for my liking. I’m not even on this date and I’m already about to update my life insurance policy just in case. Jessenia, on the other hand, is thrilled. She’s like, “this is what life with Matt could be like!!” Yeah, a series of near-death experiences and premature aging. 

Also, does this feel like the kind of date they should be on right before hometowns? How does watching a girl wreck the sh*t out of a fancy car tell you anything about if you’re ready to meet her family? It just feels super shallow and superficial to be having before such an important week. Case in point: Jessenia starts talking about her family, and you can tell Matt is super uncomfortable. He’d like to go back to the part where he had her spread over the front of that car. 

God, he loves to dangle those roses in front of their faces right before actively not giving them out. It’s sick. He’s like, all but caressing Jessenia’s face with it and then he’s like PSYCH!! YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!! Look, I’m not saying these are indicators for sociopathic behaviors but I’m not not saying that either…

Honestly, we should have known he was going to send Jessenia home when he showed up to dinner wearing a sweatshirt and not a turtleneck. Really, he couldn’t have been more obvious. 

The Rose Ceremony

Going into the rose ceremony, there are only three girls up on the chopping block: Michelle, Bri, and Pieper. Personally, I would love to meet the woman who thought it would be cool to mutilate the spelling of “Piper” for an entire person’s lifetime, and so, would selfishly would like Matt to choose her if only for my own entertainment. It’s really what he’s here for anyway. 

I guess I’m not meant to have nice things because Pieper is going home, making our final four: Michelle, Bri, Serena, and Rachael. Okay, I LOVE that Pieper says nothing to Matt on her way out, just barrels right into that limo. He’s lucky this girl doesn’t have access to his home address because I have a feeling he would come home to find his belongings ablaze if she did. 

And that’s all she wrote, kids! Hometowns are next week, and I can’t wait to see what the ABC interns are able to craft up as a representation of a hometown since traveling is still out. Here’s hoping we get more “New York-style pizza” from the Sbarro’s down the street and another papier-mâché carnival cobbled together with rubber cement and the crayons they found at the hotel’s lost and found. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @bachelornationspoilers /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1) 

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Hometown Meltdowns

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Happy Hometowns week, Bachelor fam! This is the fun part of every season where the lead tries to pretend that they might actually move to a town that only just got a Walmart last year. Lol, k. It’s LA or die, you aren’t fooling anyone! It’s also the most telling part of each season. Right now what we know about these women is only what they’ve shown us, and what they’ve shown us is that they probably have surgically enhanced bone structures and can contour within an inch of their lives. During Hometowns we get to see what their original noses looked like, meet the people who caused their deep emotional trauma that eventually drove them to sign up for a reality dating show, and find out who should start with their anti-aging skin care regimen right away. So, let’s get started then! 

Hannah Ann’s Hometown

Up first we have Hannah Ann’s Hometown in Knoxville. If you’ll recall, this is where all the modeling magic happens: from her parent’s basement in a town in Tennessee that is not Nashville. What fortuitous timing that she would look for “love” on a show where there have been multiple opportunities for her to work with brands who used to always pretend like they didn’t know Knoxville’s zip code. I can’t wait for her parents to whip out a scrapbook of all her past modeling gigs and watch Peter agree that, yes, Hannah Ann really does have the perfect face for an Applebee’s franchise. Carry on.

PROBABLY HANNAH ANN’S MODELING LOOK BOOK: 

Hannah Ann tells Peter that her dad works in lumber and she needs to see if he’s man enough like her dad. I’m going to go ahead and save you the suspense, Hannah Ann: he’s not. The man showed up to meet your family in skinny jeans, for Christ’s sake.

They go axe throwing before meeting the parents and I love that they immediately put Peter in a situation where he could get another serious head injury. He just got that bandaid off, you guys!! 

Also, how is axe throwing going to prove that Peter is man enough for her? This feels like a loose connection. In my experience, axe throwing is something drunk girls do at breweries to pass the time between drinking ciders and taking boomerangs. How does this prove he’s a man exactly?

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Will Ranger Rick (my dad) give Pilot Pete the axe tonight? 💥🪓 ♥️

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Peter was so enamored by Hannah Ann’s note during the last group date that he decided to write one of his own. His isn’t pink or scented, but it does say that he enjoys her giggle and that he loves that she has a name for every dress she owns. Oh, Peter. Those aren’t names she came up with herself! Those are brands she’s contractually obligated to mention at least once a date! 

Peter is introduced to Hannah Ann’s family, and I love that these people get so emotional every time they see their son or daughter on this show. It’s like they know they’ve been held hostage and they’re glad to see they’re in one piece. You know, if they consider “one piece” gushing over a man who sometimes refers to himself as “pachi.” 

I would like to see more of this house. Hannah Ann still lives at home, right? I just get the feeling that her bedroom still has Justin Bieber posters on it. I can’t wait for her to show Peter and admit that tickets to the Purpose Tour was the best 13th birthday present ever. 

A girl wearing more body glitter than an entire Hannah Montana concert and a star necklace straight from Delia’s 2005 accessory bin asks Hannah Ann if she’s ready for marriage and THIS is how I know Hannah Ann is too young for marriage. Who are these people she associates with?? 

Peter sits down with Hannah Ann’s mom and I love how unsure she is about him. She’s like “where is your relationship at?” Well Mrs. Sluss, she’s one date away from getting f*cked by him in a three-star hotel, does that answer your question? I mean, sure, that’s not a great look, but your daughter also thinks she’s going to be a supermodel because the manager at Kohl’s told her so once. This isn’t the worst idea she’s ever had. 

PETER: I think I’m in love with your daughter.
HANNAH ANN’S DAD: I would ask that you just not. 

AHAHAHAHAHA. I WOULD ASK THAT YOU NOT. These are things that I say when my Uber driver tries to speak to me, these are not things you want your potential future father-in-law to tell you on your first meeting!! It’s not looking good for you, Peter!

Oh sh*t! He said “I’m falling for you” anyway! On their family porch and everything! Is nothing sacred to you, Peter?? 

Hannah Ann’s father after hearing Peter express he’s falling in love with her 2 seconds after he told him not to say it unless he means it #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/75ZctY9fIy

— 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets) February 18, 2020

Kelsey’s Hometown

Kelsey’s up next and she tells Peter that he better be ready to get “down and dirty” in Des Moines, Iowa. I’m not sure what this means, but I can’t wait to see what she and the Iowa tourist board have come up with to make this place seem interesting. 

Of course Kelsey’s date involves alcohol. God, I love her. Kelsey paints a picture for Peter that makes Iowa sound like a mecca for art and culture and a place known for its wine-making. And here I thought the only things Iowa was know for were its corn mazes and f*cking us all over in primary elections. Huh. 

Part one of their date involves them crushing their own grapes with their feet, but it’s unclear as to what the purpose of this is. Surely they aren’t making their own wine with those grapes? Because the grapes on the vines in the background aren’t even ripe yet, so you know the ABC interns just filled that bathtub up with whatever the Des Moines Costco carried in bulk. 

Now i get why Kelsey went bonkers about the Champagne, she made it herself. 🤔 #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/4tKtP1ocVE

— Katie Ann (@Kate50646534) February 18, 2020

Part two of their date takes them to a wine-tasting! They’ll be tasting various wines so they can make their own special wine to take to dinner at Kelsey’s parents’ house. Once again, Kelsey makes this all sound very sophisticated when in reality she probably just wanted to get day drunk with her boyfriend. I see right through you, girlie. She’s like “here’s a symbol of our love” and it’s a bottle of what I’m guessing is red moscato. 

Overall, I find this date to be very cute and I’m not just saying that because it’s inspired me to open a second bottle of wine tonight. I actually find Kelsey to be really genuine and sweet, but I just don’t think Peter is into her. Case in point: when Kelsey tells Peter she loves him, he doesn’t say it back. He even gave ole Ranger Rick a half-hearted “I’m falling for you” but he can’t give Kelsey the same?? Wow.

My first reaction when I see Kelsey’s family is that they’re beautiful and not at all surprised or uncomfortable about having a camera crew in their home. This doesn’t feel like the house of horrors she described during her one-on-one. How pissed do you think ABC is to find that her family found healthy coping mechanisms for their pain? Where are the broken dreams and blatant displays of abandonment issues? This is not the hometown date they were promised!

Peter sits down with Kelsey’s mother, and I can already tell you this isn’t going to end well. He’s talking to a woman scorned and she’s supposed to be impressed by a guy who wears skinny jeans and says things like “Barthelona” in casual conversation? Nah, I don’t think so. Drag his assssss, hunnie. 

Meanwhile, Kelsey sits down with her stepdad to hash out her feelings for Peter. She says she doesn’t want to get her heart broken again and this guy is nodding like a man whose biggest tragedy in life is that the Vineyard Vines President’s Day sale ran out of his size.

Guys, I feel bad for Kelsey! Peter leaves her with a very half-hearted “I love that you love me” speech and I just have a very bad feeling about all of this. Kelsey is so great! I mean, yes, there was that one time she took a bottle of red to the face and cried alone by a pool, but WHO AMONG US HASN’T DONE THAT. Do better, Peter! Do Better.

Madison’s Hometown

Next on Peter’s bus tour of America is Madison’s hometown of Auburn, Alabama! Madi tells Peter she’s going to take him someplace that’s really important to her, and I’m hoping for all of our sakes it’s not a bible study class. 

She actually takes him to Auburn’s basketball stadium where they play a little pickup game of basketball. How fun that she gets to take him on a date where she gets to do what she does best! If this were me, I’d have taken him to a bar to see how well he can mock and verbally spar with the other patrons. Some people are good at sports, others are good at alienating people—we all have our special talents! 

Peter meets Madison’s family, and I’m immediately alarmed by what her dad looks like. Is this the real Benjamin Button?? How can he possibly be old enough to have a child?? My alarm only grows when they all sit down to dinner. It’s announced that Madi’s family likes to do a fun thing called “the special plate” where they go around the table and compliment Madi. 

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Hit me with that special plate any day. #thebachelor (@kayyorkcity)

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Yeah, my family does a similar thing, but instead of showering me with praise and adoration it’s more like they berate me for my life choices until I’m rocking back and forth in a ball under the table. 

MADISON’S FAMILY: We cheers with sweet tea!
PETER:

Mtv Lauren GIF by The Hills - Find & Share on GIPHY

Okay, that is a red flag if I’ve ever seen one. I can deal with racist uncles and my grandma asking about my love life and my baby cousin announcing her engagement before I have a chance to announce that my dog likes to wear sweaters now, but I what I absolutely cannot deal with are dry family occasions. I won’t do it and you can’t make me!

So Madison IS saving herself for marriage?? What does that mean exactly? Like, is it a “just the tip” situation or is she the type that still wears maxi pads because she’s afraid of dishonoring the Lord by piercing her hymen with a tampon? I. need. more. answers! 

Oh, OF COURSE her dad’s name is Chad. He really looks like the Chaddiest Chad I’ve ever seen.

MADISON’S DAD: When you were a baby I prayed that one day you might find a husband.

Why do I feel like this guy has to think dowries are still a thing?

Peter says he loves Madison, and this is huge. He’s only ever said “I’m falling in love” not that he’s actually in love. I feel like if he knew the truth about her virginity, he would be singing a different tune… 

Also, I love that Peter thinks he’s on the same page as this girl. That basketball coach legit said Madi made the final four that year. THAT MEANS SHE WAS IN COLLEGE STILL THIS YEAR. You can’t be on the same page as a recent college graduate unless you’re learning that your email signature isn’t supposed to include an inspirational quote from Audrey Hepburn. You just can’t. 

Victoria’s Hometown

I love that they start the hometown date that production has teased as being the seventh circle of hell, with footage of Victoria’s adorable black lab. You know that was the only decent footage they could find of Victoria from that entire date. 

Victoria tells Peter she wants to show him the “charm” of Virginia Beach, and apparently that charm includes another musical number by none other than… Chase Rice?! Kidding! It’s just Hunter Hayes, but you can tell Peter is still traumatized because he’s looking around like he’s waiting for someone to tell him Victoria’s f*cked this musician too. 

Hunter Hayes starts singing “I don’t want easy, I want crazy” and that feels like the most fitting song for this date. 

PETER: In Spanish that song would be called I want loco!!

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Spotted, @hunterhayes! 🤩🎶 #TheBachelor

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After they part ways before the dinner portion of the evening, Peter runs into an old pal at the concert. How crazy and unexpected this is! I love how shocked Peter is to see this girl as if production didn’t plant her there by giving her Peter’s exact coordinates. He’s like, “oh my god you live here?? You guys, she lives here!!” In other news, Peter, the sky is blue!! Is your foundation absolutely shaking??

This friend of Peter’s tells him that she’s also a friend of Victoria’s and that Victoria can’t be trusted. What I don’t understand is why ABC is even blurring out her face? We all saw her exclusive on People.com this week. Also, this encounter tells Peter nothing really. If you’ve been following this scandal closely then you know Victoria has been accused of sleeping with the married men of Virginia Beach (among other problematic things). And yet, all we’re getting out of this friend is “don’t trust her.” I’ve been more descriptive in a Venmo request. Come on, Merissa, you can do better than that. 

Obviously this vague, but foreboding message still has Peter on edge even as he gets ready to meet her family for the first time. His anxiety must show because he takes one step out of the Uber and already Victoria is jumping down Peter’s throat about something seeming “off” about him. Uh-oh. Looks like Peter’s in another mood, Victoria!!

PETER: I heard this rumor that you break up people’s marriages in your spare time. Is that true?
VICTORIA: That’s offensive.
ALSO VICTORIA: But which couple did she say it was…?

Peter’s like “do you ever fight for anything?” and it’s like, Peter, she’s been fighting to get kicked off this show for actual weeks now. I thought you knew this! 

I can’t even take this argument seriously because all she does is mumble and cry. He keeps asking her to fight for them and she keeps telling him to leave. This feels like a clear sign that Peter should dump her right here and now. There is nothing redeemable about this girl, Peter!!

Okay, so wait. Did they just break up? I’m confused. Their argument ends pretty abruptly with Peter getting into the limo and leaving the date early. He doesn’t even meet her family! 

Back at his hotel, Peter says he’s really conflicted. On the one hand, he doesn’t like what he’s heard about Victoria from his own trusted source, but on the other hand he’d still like to f*ck her. I think this is what they call a “Sophie’s Choice.” 

Victoria shows up to Peter’s hotel and I’m not surprised in the least. I’ve heard she’s familiar with the hotel scene in Virginia Beach…

She’s trying to convince Peter to give them another shot while at the same time neither confirming nor denying any of the rumors. She is a master manipulator, I will give her that. Meanwhile, Peter is bringing up some great points about how they have no communication skills and this relationship is definitely doomed in the long run. I still think he’ll pick her. 

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Love is blind! . . . . . . #pilotpete #themeshtv #podcast #mostdramaticseason #thebachelor #thebachelorabc #bachelornation #bachelormonday #willyouacceptthisrose #bachelormemes #bachelorpodcast #realitysteve #peterweber

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VICTORIA: I don’t even know. I can’t, like, let you go.
PETER: You literally told me to leave?

Yes, she did!! Also, why aren’t they talking about the accusations? There’s no mention of her mistress extracurricular activities, and I feel like that should be mentioned here.  

As Victoria leaves his hotel room she makes one final plea for Peter’s heart: she slips him a wallet sized nude picture of their WestWorld cosplay. Interesting choice. If she really wanted to catch his attention, perhaps she could have just answered his question directly, but this tracks too.

The Rose Ceremony

For the rose ceremony the ladies are, of course, meeting up at an airplane hangar. WE GET IT, ABC. He’s a pilot. Enough. I beg of you. 

Peter starts things off by saying that this has been a particularly rough week for him. He’s like, “some of you were able to give me a lot more than others, like an actually dinner with your family.” Whoaaaa. Low blow, Peter. Low blow.

HE CHOOSES VICTORIA! WHAT!!! My married friend who has watched approximately three episodes of this show ever just got up from my couch and said: “I’m going home to finish this bottle of wine, he deserves to die alone, goodbye.” GOODBYE. 

He legit looks so miserable giving that rose to Victoria. It’s like someone threatened to blow up one of those planes so he had to do it. Anything for the planes!

I feel so bad for Kelsey, oh my god. And he doesn’t even have a legit reason for it. He’s just like “I wasn’t there with you yet.” 

ME: 

YOU COWARD!! She said she loved you and you chose a girl whose past is sketchier than some of the clothing vendors on Amazon! Kelsey, girl, I would pour one out for you, but I know how much you’d hate that. Here’s hoping we see more of you!

And that’s a wrap for Hometowns, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Madison finally address the hymen elephant in the room and finally tells Peter her secret. I’m sure he’ll handle it with as much grace and maturity as he did all of those windmill jokes. Until then!

For more on Peter’s hometowns, check out the latest episode of Betchelor Center:

Images: ABC; Giphy (2); @thebachelor, @thebetchelor, @mydadwatchesthebachelor /Instagram; @tvgoldtweets, @kate50646534 / Twitter

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Season 23, Week 8

Well, Bachelor fam, the end is in sight. And by “end” I mean the fence jumping scene obviously. This week is my favorite week of every season: Hometowns. Hometowns is always a fun episode, because we get to meet the women’s families and learn a little bit more about their daddy issues background. Plus there’s always at least one woman a season who introduces her less attractive sister who clearly could have been her if her face wasn’t paid for by modern science. Lest we forget Becca’s sister from last season, whose hair grew three inches every time a man lied about being in love with her sister. See? Fun!!

Surprise, surprise. ABC decides to start off an episode that’s meant to be about connecting with family and taking relationships to a deeper level with a close up of Colton’s wet, naked body. At least they’re playing to his strengths. That was a cheap shot, ABC, but I see why you had to do it.

Colton’s talking about what a struggle his journey has been as a white, conventionally attractive man who happens to be a virgin. The horror. He casually throws out Becca’s name and it’s literally the first time he’s mentioned her this entire season. Lol. I forgot he even dated her? How nice of him to start pretending for us he was ever into her.

CAELYNN’S HOMETOWN

Moving on. First up is Caelynn’s hometown, and Colton travels to Virginia to meet up with her, which is confusing because for the last 8 weeks anytime anyone has accidentally breathed in her direction she’s humble bragged about being Miss North Carolina. Do we think Caelynn wears her “Miss North Carolina” sash around Virginia or do you think she’s embarrassed because she could never win in Virginia and had to move to a different state to do so?

Colton spends approximately three seconds around Caelynn’s family before they’re already visibly disgusted by him. Imagine how you’d feel if you watched him for eight weeks, John!!

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Cheers to starting hometowns off right! ? #TheBachelor

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Caelynn’s sister pulls her aside for some “girl talk,” which is just a thinly veiled pep talk about how Caelynn needs to keep her head in the game and dump his ass so she can become the next Bachelorette. Honestly, I can’t even concentrate on what the sister is even saying because MY GOD what is happening on her eyeballs rn? Like, does she have a lazy eye? Is she just terribly bad at applying false eyelashes? Is she maybe a drunk? IS IT ALL THREE??

Okay, why is Caelynn’s family acting like Colton is America’s bad boy? Like, he’s about as threatening as a neutered golden retriever. The only person who is talking any sense here is John, Caelynn’s STEPdad, not her biological dad, who she has nothing to do with unless it helps her backstory to go farther in this franchise.

JOHN: Let me just ask you though, do you feel like he might be gay?

HAHA. SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, JOHN.

Lol. John is amazing. He’s like “why can’t you just be friends tho?” and it’s it’s like, give it some time sweetie. Caelynn’s got about one more week left on this show and then she’ll be singing his praises about what a good guy he is and how she’s just ready to find love herself.

John sits down with Colton next. This should be good. Wait is Colton already asking for her hand in marriage? Why is he making this so weird?

COLTON: I don’t think I love your daughter at all but IF I have to bite the bullet in two weeks do I have your blessing to get married?

Christ, Colton. At least PRETEND like you’re not this close to dumping her! Come on. Have some tact.

Also the look on John’s face at the thought of his daughter being won over by the human equivalent of Humpty Dumpty is f*cking priceless. The date ends with Caelynn telling Colton she’s falling for him and Colton saying it back with about as much enthusiasm as someone who had to be prompted with a cue card that said “SAY IT BACK” (which is absolutely what I assume happened here).

HANNAH’S HOMETOWN:

Next up is Hannah’s hometown, so Colton heads down to Alabama. WAIT. Both Hannahs this season are from Alabama? Can you imagine if the other Hannah had made it to Hometowns and not only were they battling it out for a spot in the Fantasy Suite but also to see who was the better Alabama Hannah? What a missed opportunity, ABC!

For their date, Hannah makes Colton go to an etiquette class so he can learn how to be a Southern gentlemen. Lol k. Like, last time he and Hannah were together he slapped her ass on national television and vigorously rubbed himself on her behind a bush. I think we’re wayyyy past that, Han.

MISS SUE: Don’t worry, just be yourself! Except not the self who just buttered that biscuit like an uncivilized circus animal.
ALSO MISS SUE AND COLTON:

Hannah’s like “that was such a fun day!” meanwhile, Colton looks like he just lived through Vietnam. I can’t wait to see how his newly defeated state of mind plays out when he meets the parents!

Okay, why does Hannah’s mom look like one of Melissa McCarthy’s aliases in Spy? And her Aunt looks like a poor man’s Kate Gosselin? Like, what am I looking at here?? 

I love how Hannah’s parents disapprove of her dating a man on national television who is also dating 25 other women, but they approve of her budding career as an Instagram thirst trap. Like, your daughter has 600,000+ followers on Instagram, fake dating a man for publicity is probably the least this girl will do for an Instagram partnership.

HANNAH G: I’m just really falling for Colton you know?
HANNAH G’S MOM:

YOU GUYS I LITERALLY CAN’T UNSEE IT.

Colton says he’s falling for her, and she says it back with about as much emotion as someone with vacant doll eyes can possibly have. That said, I do think she’ll make it to next week. Hannah, you’re one lucky girl! Here’s hoping he lasts longer than the obligatory handjob she feels like she has to give him. 

TAYSHIA’S HOMETOWN

Colton meets Tayshia in her hometown and she immediately pulls out a red blindfold and gets Colton into the position. Uh oh, Colton. You better watch out or you might be losing your v-card in Tayshia’s red room of pain.

HAHA. Okay, so Tayshia isn’t surprising him with something kinky, instead they’re just going skydiving. Colton, however, looks like he would have rather had a spanking then be forced to jump out of a moving plane.

COLTON: I guess I really shouldn’t have made her bungee jump that one time…
ALSO COLTON: *blubbering* but I don’t want to die a virgin!!

Y’ALL. THAT SCREAM. That was the least attractive thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I hope Tayshia gets cut this week because idk how she’s going to be able to take that scream in the bedroom.

Moving on. We get ready for Colton to meet Tayshia’s family for the first time and her dad is like “Colton is gonna have to be a superstar.” Yeah, you might want to lower that bar, sir. Like, to the floor.

Colton walks in and he is VERY confident for a man who just screamed like a girl on national television. He’s like “I feel like I can do anything now that I didn’t wet myself jumping from that plane like I thought I would.”

Okay, is Colton just going to repeat the exact same speech to every father? Like, he’s not even subbing in any individualized details for each girl. Meanwhile, Tayshia’s dad is practically begging Colton to dump her. He’s like “she’s been divorced once already, please don’t make me pay for another one.”

OMG. He just told Colton he doesn’t have his permission to marry his daughter! I have so much respect for this dude now. THANK YOU for not negotiating with these terrorists ABC and giving into their demands that he not hate Colton’s guts.

TAYSHIA’S DAD: You can’t just microwave a relationship.

COLTON:

Okay, I’m rescinding my earlier respect comment because Tayshia’s dad just CAVED and gave Colton his blessing. He’s like “I feel content to say yes to Colton” and it’s the most lukewarm response I’ve ever heard, and I’m wondering how they managed to keep the gun the producer is holding to his head off camera.

CASSIE’S HOMETOWN

Last up is Cassie’s hometown. If you’ll recall, last week Cassie was almost sent home when she was called out for being too immature and not ready for marriage, but then didn’t because Colton decided that he didn’t care so long as he got laid. I paraphrase.

Cassie takes Colton surfing for their date because apparently it’s her “favorite thing to do.” I’m sure she also loves grabbing a beer with the guys and watching the big game because she just “gets along better with guys.” Mmkay, Cassie.

Okay, how much do we think Colton is going to emasculate himself trying to surf? Oh, as much as possible I guess. He’s flopping around all over the place and it’s like, I thought you were a professional athlete? Where is that athleticism that had you riding the bench for one season? Hmm?

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Feeling the love in the California sunshine ☀️ #TheBachelor @coltonunderwood

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Colton takes a break from humiliating himself in the waves to ask her if she sees a future with him and she’s like “uhhhhh.” Okay is this not EXACTLY what Kirpa and Tayshia tried to say last episode?? Like, Cassie and Colton might have the most chemistry I’ve seen all season (besides that hug between Colton and Ben last week which was positively sizzling), but Cassie is not here to get married. She’s here for Instagram likes and possibly her own spinoff.

Cut to Colton meeting the family and they are…very blonde. Is it just me or does her family look like they’re their own cult?

Also, I love that all the families meet Colton and then immediately tell the girl not to settle. It’s like they were all for them being on The Bachelor until they actually met the Bachelor and realized he has the desirability of a wet sock. At least Colton didn’t open with “did you know that in our past lives we were siblings!!”

Okay, I’m low-key appalled by Cassie’s behavior during this date. Her parents try and voice their concerns to her and she’s acting like me when my mom tried to tell me it was inappropriate to walk around in public wearing a shirt that said “my eyes are up here” at aged 14.

CASSIE’S DAD: You’re only 23 and marriage is a big commitment.
CASSIE: 

Yeah, she seems ready to be spiritually and legally bound to someone for the rest of her natural-born life.

Cassie doesn’t tell Colton she’s falling for him AND her father flat out refuses to give his blessing. Normally, this is the kiss of death for most girls who get this far, but I have a feeling Colton would go on strike and refuse to do another shower scene if Cassie didn’t at least make it to the Fantasy Suite.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Going into the rose ceremony, I feel like I already know who’s going home. but sure ABC, why not continue to waste our time. As much as Cassie should go home because it’s so clear that she’s only on this show for Instagram likes, I feel like Colton is going to follow his heart dick and keep her around for another week.

Annnnd Caelynn goes home, where I’m sure she will continue to campaign for her spot as the next Bachelorette from afar. To be fair, she knew it was over the second he picked Tayshia and it was down to just her and Cassie.

Meanwhile, Cassie looks more emotional about Caelynn leaving than she has anytime Colton has ever professed his feelings for her. WAIT. Did Caelynn just whisper “get engaged” as her parting words to Cassie?? Y’all, I feel like these two have some shady hidden agenda happening on the side, and those last words to Cassie are only confirming this for me. 

Well, betches, that’s a wrap for this week! And if you thought watching Colton ask for four hands in marriage wasn’t torture enough, next week we get to listen to him moan behind closed doors on Monday, and see what cosmetic enhancements the women have gotten since they gained 500,000 instagram followers at the Tell All on Tuesday. See you there!

Images: Giphy (5); @bachelorabc /Instagram (2); ABC (2)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

Welcome to Hometowns, people! For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is the episode of The Bachelorette where we get to see where these piles of flaming garbage masquerading as human men came from. It’s also the episode where Becca can decide which mother-in-law she wants to trash-talk behind her back for the rest of her life. Sounds delightful. Shall we get to the good stuff, then?

Garrett’s Hometown

I guess we’re not playing around this episode, because ABC immediately starts things off with Garrett’s hometown. Small mercies. First of all, I am ALARMED by the way he just ran out of those trees. Like, what are these hand gestures I’m looking at rn?

Garrett wants Becca to get a real understanding of his roots and where he comes from, so he asks her to ride on the back of his tractor, and I wish I was even a little bit making this up. Garrett’s like, “can you see yourself doing this after the show?” And it’s like, please stop pretending like you will be doing anything other than pimping laxative tea on Instagram after this show.

Sowing the seeds of love! #TheBachelorette

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And let’s be real, we all know Carlos never really lets you drive the tractor unless you’ve been extra good!

GARRETT: Bringing you home is a big deal because the last person I brought home was my wife.

^^^THINGS YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD NEVER SAY.

Okay, is it just me or do Becca and Garrett’s sister look eerily similar? Like they could pull off the twin twist better than Spencer Hastings did doubling as herself in the PLL series finale? Also, Becca keeps saying that Garrett reminds her of her dad and now Garrett’s sister could literally be Becca’s body double. This is getting way too incestuous for me. I’m out.

Okay, I’m surprised I like any of Garrett’s family members, but Barbara is real AF.

BARBARA: Becca I don’t know what he’s told you about his past relationship…
BECCA: Oh, he’s told me everything. Like, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
BARBARA: 

Lol Becca just said that her and Garrett share a “special bond” because they’re the only ones on the show who’ve been engaged/married in the past. K. I didn’t know that spitting on the sanctity of marriage qualified a person to be your soulmate these days but, like, to each their own.

The rest of this hometown is boring AF. With Garrett being a hateful meme liker, I thought we’d get to see at least one MAGA hat for Becca to lose her sh*t over. But alas, it looks like Becca will have to find out his true colors in 3-6 months after she’s invested her time, hopes, dreams, and at least 6 Instagram photos to him just like the rest of us plebes.

Seriously though, Becca is looking at Garrett like he could say that the Parkland survivors are crisis actors and she’d still want to bang him. Oh wait…

Jason’s Hometown

Jason whisks Becca off to the sexy and exotic Buffalo, NY! Becca, you lucky b*tch! If you’ll recall, this is the nightmare Hometown date we wrote about weeks ago so my bar for this date is set somewhere around “will call the police if Becca blinks twice.”

Jason, aka the guy who is reluctant to tell this virtual stranger Becca that he’s falling for her, decides to show her how much he cares about her through a wings eating contest! A WINGS EATING CONTEST. Becca, blink once if you want to stay, twice if you need me to DM Chris Harrison and get you tf out of there.

But seriously though, a wings eating contest?? First of all, the only time I would ever participate in such a thing is alone in my home every Sunday when a new episode of Westworld drops and I’m forced to stress eat my feelings under EXTREME duress. You sure as sh*t wouldn’t catch me on live freaking television participating in this form of cruel and unusual punishment. Second of all, there’s nothing sexy about getting a chicken bone heimliched out of your windpipe. NOTHING.

Becca’s like “every time I’m with him I have the best time!” Yes, the best time and probably a newly developed case of IBS.

For the next part of their date Jason takes Becca to an abandoned ice skating rink. I’m sorry, but Jason, are you trying to make this girl your fiancé or get to third with her under the bleachers after study hall lets out? I’m genuinely worried it might be the latter.

Okay, Jason’s family seems very normal and well-adjusted. Booooo. I’m sure if Becca picks him they’ll have a fun life getting happy hour in midtown and having missionary sex with the lights turned off. But, you know, eternal happiness to you both!

Blake’s Hometown

Blake starts off his hometown by immediately reliving his glory days at the high school. Jesus Christ. There’s always one. I guess nothing turns a girl on like sticky floors and the smell of puberty, amiright Blake?

Wait did he really just say “high school is a big part of my life?” RED FLAG. Becca, slowly back away and get back in the car while there’s still time.

Blake goes into a very sad story about a school shooting, which is horrifying. Between this and his mom sleeping with the coach, I really get why they say high school is the best four years of your life.

BLAKE: But don’t worry I have some really great memories from high school too! I love high school!
ALSO BLAKE:

Blake says he has one more surprise for Becca, and I’m slightly worried this means he’s going to take her to the cafeteria and pull out his yearbook so they can over-analyze why so many people wrote “HAGS” in it. 

He doesn’t do the cafeteria thing, but he does lead Becca to some sort of talent show competition taking place in the gymnasium. I’m referring to it as a talent show because I genuinely do not know who this Betty person is and there does not appear to be one single adult in this crowd other than Becca and Blake.

So do they just have a de-briefing session to teach Becca the words to every no-name artist they bring through here? #TheBachelorette

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018

They start making out amidst a mosh pit of teenagers, and I bet Blake really feels like the big man on campus now.

Cut to the part where Becca meets his family. Do we think the homewrecking coach will be allowed to sit at the dinner table? Or will his dad just make passive-aggressive comments about him in between making small talk with Becca? *turns up the volume*

Wait. Did Blake’s mom just say that they cried together after his last relationship? RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Becca, are you hearing this?!

Okay, I hope after that conversation with Blake’s mom Becca effing RUNS back to the Bachelor mansion. She’s like “after the breakup I had to comfort him, you know?”

ALSO BLAKE’S MOM: I was there with him through every tear. All the times he cried and and the screamed in the night.
ME:

Colton’s Hometown

Colton’s hometown is the last one, which means his family is probably batsh*t. I can’t wait for Colton to tearfully admit he’s a virgin and for his dad to laugh in his face.

Becca’s keeps saying that they have this “crazy connection” but I’m pretty sure by “connection” she means that their chemistry is 100 percent fueled by the fact that he’s seen her friend naked. Ah, romance.

Colton takes Becca to the children’s hospital so ABC can exploit sick children for ratings. I would be outraged, but these kids are so freaking cute. I can’t. Seriously, this little girl and her tiny cowboy boots are stars in the making and she’s too pure for the trash I let pollute my television screen.

Okay, WHAT is Colton’s mom wearing?? I guess she took a page out of Becca’s style handbook because she showed up to tonight’s dinner wearing a shirt with paper clips holding it together as her national TV debut. This is maybe the most offensive thing I’ve seen all season, and I’ve seen Becca show up to a date in a bedazzled zebra print dress.

Colton tells his mom he’s a virgin and she looks just as doubtful about his virginity claims as I do.

Becca and the mom have some girl talk next, and I love that Becca is discussing her son’s sex life right to her face. She’s like, “I’m concerned about his intimacy with women, you know?”

ALSO BECCA: Do you think he’ll be good in bed tho?

Colton drops the “L” word on Becca right before she leaves and she looks smitten. Just like a virgin to play those mind games right before the fantasy suite. Bravo.

The Rose Ceremony

Becca claims she needs to talk things out with her girls before the rose ceremony, because these are the people that know her best. And by “best” she means “contractually obligated by ABC to be there.” Obviously.

Okay, Becca is really laying it on thick with the men here. I feel like there were multiple times throughout the season when she looked like she might quit because all the men were garbage and now she’s making it sound like she’s got the cream of the crop.

LOL. Tia is listening to all of this like, “It was supposed to BE ME!”

Tia listening to Becca talk about Colton #TheBachelerotte pic.twitter.com/lLEslQHASb

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018

Oh my goddddd Tia is such a b*tch. She’s like “I know I said I was over Colton but that’s when I thought I was the only girl he played just the tip with.”

TIA: As your friend I want you to know that I’m into the guys you’re into and don’t want you to be with them.
ALSO TIA:

Okay, Becca, this girl is not your friend. She strategically waited until the last second to tell you she was into Colton. Revenge bang him PLEASE. I beg of you.

Speaking of the virgin who can’t drive Colton, wtf is this pep talk he’s trying to get from Chris Harrison rn? He’s like “so what exactly happens in the fantasy suite?? Because I’m nervous.”

CHRIS HARRISON: 

ALSO CHRIS HARRISON: Are you asking me how to put it in? I don’t understand where this is going, son…

Damnnnn I can’t believe Becca actually cut Colton because Tia told her to!! I mean, I knew she was going to have regrets after this season, but letting little Miss Wiener, Arkansas manipulate her out of a boyfriend is a wholeeee other story.

Lol I love that Colton’s limo exit strategy is the same as mine when a racist family member gets weird at Thanksgiving: pretend to fall asleep.

Next week, Becca and the three human stock photos she’s dating are headed to Thailand! Now that the virgin is gone, I fear I’ll have to go back to mocking the sequined abominations Becca tries to pass off as fashion. I guess only time will tell!

Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); ABC (1);

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 8

This week on The Bachelor we’re treated to an up close and personal look at the girls’ daddy issues families. That’s right people, we’ve made it to the hometown dates. I mean, I’ve 100 percent already predicted exactly how this shit is about to play out, but by all means, ABC, please try and entertain me. Anyway, let’s get into this week’s Bachelor recap.

 

Kendall’s Hometown Date

Okay, every time I see Kendall’s face I’m amazed she’s still here. She’s like “I want to show Arie all the things that make me, me” and I’m almost certain those “things” she’s referring to are the stuffed heads in her bedroom.

 

Wow Kendall really isn’t going to ease Arie in even a little to the idea that she has a Red Room of Pain taxidermy playroom, is she? Even Christian Grey had to work his way up to butt stuff showing Ana his playroom. This girl is ballsy.

 

Wait she wants him TO MOUNT DEAD ANIMALS WITH HER?? I have seen some kinky shit in my day, but this takes the cake.

 

Kendall: In a way, taxidermy is like the perfect relationship, because it’s something that’s never going to break up with you or end in any way ever…

 

God, this girl is a fucking psycho. I love it.  

 

 

 

I’m watching these two make out and all I can think is I really hope they washed the rabies off their hands before they made out. Fingers crossed.

 

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. Kendall’s twin sister’s name is Kylie?? Is Kris Jenner aware there are two of these walking around in the world? Is she??

 

Kylie keeps talking about how she doesn’t “feel” the connection between Kendall and Arie, but I didn’t realize that in her spare time she also fronted as Miss Cleo? Like what do you mean, you don’t feel the connection? He stuffed a dead rat for your sister and still wanted to make out with her after. If that isn’t real human connection, then IDK what is. Just because you’re feeling yourself in that satin Kimono doesn’t mean you have a sixth sense when it comes to human emotion. GTFO. 

 

Sidenote: Who else thinks Kendall might be mounting Kylie’s head on her wall when she dies? The ultimate catch! Your own face on a wall!

 

Their date ends on a meh note. As much as I appreciate Kendall and all her weirdness I’m 99.9 percent sure she’s going home. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned on this show, it’s that having a personality will get you nowhere. Best of luck though, sweetie!

 

Tia’s Hometown Date

We now move on to Weiner, Arkansas, where Tia grew up. Stand by for Tia making awkward weiner puns for the next 10-15 minutes.

 

 

Tia plans a crazy romantic day date that’s unlike anything Arie has ever experienced before: racing cars! Seriously, Tia? Are you fucking kidding me with this? This is the most creative, romantic date you could come up with? The two of you are spending a very crucial day together in separate cars, for god’s sake!

 

Arie is like “I’m so impressed with her for really knowing me” but, like, the only thing I know about you is that you race cars and will bang anything that looks barely legal.

 

And would you look at that. Tia’s family are serving weenies as appetizers because Arie is in Weiner. What did I tell you about the weiner puns?

 

Tia’s brother pulls Arie aside to talk about Arie’s reputation as a “playboy” which is fucking laughable. Has he been watching this show? Let me set your mind at ease here, Tia’s brother. This is the bad boy your sister has been dating for the last 12 days:

 

 

Yeah, I think your sister will be fine.

 

Tia tells Arie that she loves him at the end of her date as if that will save her from Arie inevitably choosing a girl with the personality of gluten free frosting Lauren B over her.

 

Becca K’s Hometown Date

Becca starts her date by apologizing for the entire state of Minnesota, which, like, fair. She is trying to woo him with a state that 85 percent of the time is miserable to live in. It’s a strong start for sure. They go apple picking and it’s cute AF. Arie shows more emotion than I’ve seen from in 7 fucking episodes, and all he’s doing is eating apples and freezing his ass off. He must really like her.

 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So I ate 23 of those honeycrisps because I don’t want to see Dr. Kathryn for a while… #thebachelor #appleofmyeye

A post shared by Rebecca Kufrin (@bkoof) on

 

Becca talks about how her dad passed away and how he’s been watching over her throughout this whole process and all I can think is “Jesus god, I hope not.” Here’s hoping the afterlife spares him from watching his daughter compete in this train wreck of a show.


I honestly don’t have much to say about this date. She’s cute, Arie’s cute with her, her whole family is freaking adorable. I was hoping “Guard Dog” Uncle Gary aka guy who looks like an extra from the set of Chicago PD /real-life pastor would beat the shit out of Arie, because that would make for some great TV, but as it turns out Uncle Gary is about as scary as me when I need a Snickers bar. Is a little family drama too much to ask for these days, ABC? Is it?

Bachelor Recap Arie Hometowns

Lauren B’s Hometown Date

Last, but certainly least, because this is about to be boring as shit we have Lauren B’s date. I’m still not entirely unconvinced that she isn’t a robot woman created in the ABC studio as a last-minute love interest for Arie when girls started dropping out after they found out he was the new Bachelor. I guess you could say that I have high hopes for this couple.

 

Okay, what kind of psychopath wears velvet to the beach?? (An animatronic fembot who doesn’t have sweat glands, that’s who.)

 

I’m not HORSING around…I SEA something happening here. It apPIERS to me that this BEACH likes you????

A post shared by Lauren Burnham ???? (@laureneburnham) on

 

Arie is, like, having a hot flash over meeting Lauren’s family and I am LOVING his general discomfort at being around a family that could model in a Vineyard Vines catalog. Dead rats and a Miss Cleo interrogation? Fine. A family of khaki-wearing blond people asking about his life and general interests? Terrifying. This may or may not be the best thing that The Bachelor has given me since they put Nick Viall in a chunky knit turtleneck and had him talk about giving women orgasms.

 

Lauren’s dad keeps trying to connect with Arie, but little does he know that Arie has about as many masculine qualities as my Lilly Pulitzer monthly planner. Her dad is like, “you don’t know anyone in the military? You don’t golf?”

 

Arie: *crickets*

 

LOL did Arie just flee another dinner table with Lauren B sitting at it? Again?! If it happened once, I’d write it off as some weird coincidence. Twice and I’d start to think that my general presence is giving the guy I’m dating indigestion. I would try and judge what Lauren’s thinking about all of this, but she’s not programmed to display that kind of facial expression just yet.

 

I love that all of these families are acting shocked that their daughters are this into Arie and, honestly, same. Welcome to my hell last eight weeks, people!

 

Fucking finally. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Lauren’s dad takes Arie out back and it looks like a parent might finally verbally or physically beat the shit out of Arie.  *turns up volume*

 

WAIT, WHAT?! Where did Arie come up with that Miss America scripted perfect response? Do you think when he went to the bathroom, the producers gave him a cheat sheet for how to impress Lauren’s dad? Cause that’s literally the only explanation for how he was able to pull this story out of his ass.

 

Lauren: I don’t think Arie would say “I’m falling for you” to any other girls?

 

Lauren’s Mom And All Of America:

 

 

The Rose Ceremony

Ah, my favorite moment of the evening. When Arie judges a girl based on how well her mom ages her family. *turns up volume*

 

Arie is acting like tonight’s choice is sooo hard but we all know that he’s going to get rid of the girl who made him play with dead animal skins, right?

 

Sidenote: can we analyze these dresses for a minute here? Because Lauren B is the only one who came here to play seduce him one last time with her dress choice. Kendall looks fine. Becca looks like she’s going to her least favorite sorority sister’s wedding. And, then we have Tia who decided to come looking like a glammed up version of Wilma Flintstone. Girlfriend, this is not the hollarin’ contest! Step your game up!

 

Arie pulls Kendall aside, and I am on fucking edge. Meanwhile, Tia looks like she might fling herself off a cliff any moment. She’s like “who is he deciding between? WHO IS IT BETWEEN?”

 

 

Arie is practically waterboarding Kendall for answers on how she feels about him. He’s like, “Can you get there? Do you want to marry me?” and she’s like, “Uhhh we’ll see won’t we?” Honestly, I love her so much. She’s handling this like a fucking queen.

 

Also, this entire set-up feels like an easy way for Arie to have a reason to cut her. Like Becca K also didn’t say the “L” word and yet you aren’t backing her into a literal corner during the middle of a rose ceremony.

 

Other things I’ve learned from watching this show: Honesty is never rewarded. Poor Kenny. It was nice knowing ya.

 

WHAT. KENDALL GETS THE ROSE. WHAT. I may or may not have just spit my wine all over my couch. Damn. Arie must really think Kendall’s a freak in the sheets be into the taxidermy thing.

 

Oh God. Tia is fucking losing it. Is this the part where Raven comes out of nowhere and beats Arie with a shoe?? *prays to all that is good and holy* Honestly, Tia, dry your tears girl. You’re going to go v v far on a little Mexican beach known as Bachelor in Paradise. You’re gonna be just fine.

 

And on that note, BYE BITCHES!

 

Images:  Giphy (6); ABC (1); @bkoof /Instagram (1); @laureneburnham /Instagram (1)

5 Things That Will Definitely Happen During ‘The Bachelor’ Hometown Dates

It’s been over 48 since Arie announced which women will bring dishonor to their families take him home to meet their families and I already have, like, a lot of feelings about this. First, I’m sad to say that Bekah M, professional nanny and reason I have an entire Pinterest board devoted to pixie hair cuts, was cut last episode, which means we won’t be meeting her mother aka the woman behind the infamous missing persons report. I’ve honestly not been this disappointed since they announced Arie as the next Bachelor. That said, Tia, Kendall, Lauren B, and Becca K all made it to hometowns next week and I’m thinking some shit will go down. Let’s take a look at the ladies still left standing, shall we? We’ve got Raven 2.0 Tia, a girl whose first impression involved a tiny wiener. Then there’s Kendall, who likes to stuff dead things for fun; Lauren B, who has the personality of a stuffed dead thing; and, finally, Becca K, who for all intents and purposes appears normal (I assume until this very episode proves otherwise). I’ve done the research a deep dive into the catacombs of their social media platforms and I’m pretty sure I know exactly what skeletons these bitches have hiding in their (middle school) closets. So here’s all the shit that’s definitely going to happen during The Bachelor hometown visits.

 

1. Raven Gets A Cameo

If there’s one thing I know and trust in this world is that the limit does not exist as to how many times ABC will pimp out a franchise-favorite contestant just for ratings. In fact, I would bet my brunch reservations that we’ll be seeing Raven “The Bachelor Gave Me My First Orgasm” Gates next episode. If you’ll recall, Raven and Tia go way back in the sense that they are the only two girls in that godforsaken Arkansas town trying to find love make it big as Instagram models. Raven will most certainly make a brief appearance, if only to lecture Tia on “following your heart” and “trusting the process”, to which I will be here to savagely bring that bitch back to earth when I tell her that by “process” she must mean Wells’ cocktails. Please.

Never forget where you come from, Raven.

 

2. Kendall Shows Arie Her Red Room Of Pain

I don’t know about y’all, but I for one am fucking psyched to see Kendall introduce Arie to her house of horrors family. I actually really like Kendall. Sure she’s weird, but she seems genuine, even if some of that genuineness involves stuffing dead things for funsies. Whatever, nobody’s perfect. The promo for next week’s episode indicated that Kendall is about to really lean the fuck in to her weirdness by showing Arie her Red Room of Pain aka the place where she keeps all of her literal stuffed animals. Let’s just hope we also get a glimpse at the room where she keeps the heads of her ex-boyfriends, because I’ve been waiting for that reveal since day one when they introduced Kendall as a “taxidermy enthusiast.”

 

3. There’s Going To Be Dogs Everywhere

For those of you who are about to be like “who cares” to my prediction that dogs are about to be every-fucking-where this episode, I’d just like to say that you can go shave your back now. Thx. All of the final four girls refer to themselves as “dog moms” on Instagram except for Kendall, which is suspicious AF. Perhaps it’s best we don’t question that one too much. We’ll definitely be seeing some pooches on Bachelor hometown dates, but here’s hoping that at least one of the dates has to have an  in-depth discussion about their future as to why their dog doesn’t like Arie. It’s the least I ask for, ABC. If I don’t see some meat seat Cheaper By The Dozen antics, I will not be pleased!

Nothing like a strong bond over the love for gravy. #twinning

A post shared by Rebecca Kufrin (@bkoof) on

 

4. At Least One Father Will Try To Kick Arie’s Ass

In every Bachelor hometown episode there’s at least one father/brother/overprotective neighbor who isn’t happy about the fact that his favorite daughter/sister/girl-next-door obsession is acting out her latent daddy issues dating a man a decade older than her who is also casually dating three other women. Can men just ever let a girl live?? My money is on a member of Tia or Kendall’s family losing their shit since Arie seems to be the least into these two, and he’s about as good as faking his feelings as I am at faking enthusiasm about being pulled into a five-person-plus group chat. All I have to say is, if that fight goes anything like Arie’s wrestling match with Kenny, then it will be a bloodbath. *crosses every finger and toe*

 

Jesus.

 

5. Lauren B Finally Reveals Her True Personality

I have a lot of theories about Lauren B and where tf she got the personality of low-fat yogurt from. Most of these theories revolve around the fact that I’m convinced she is an anatomically forged robot human, and we can’t tell the difference because she looks and acts just like every other hot blonde Lauren in the world. Now, this theory could have been influenced by my recent binge watch of the entire first season of Westworld, but it also definitely has to do with the fact that I have not seen this girl show a sliver of emotion in the seven episodes I’ve suffered through. It’s really either/or at this point. If she’s not a robot then she 100 percent comes from the most boring family on planet Earth. I’m already mentally preparing myself  to sit through a Bachelor hometown date that’s about as thrilling as my last dentist appointment.

^^ Lauren B’s face when she is happy, sad, angry, outed as human fembot

 

Hometowns are about to be so lit. Until next week, betches!

Images: Giphy (3); @bkoof /Instagram (1); ABC (1)