So uh, I guess these are spoilers for Peter’s season of The Bachelor, but not really. Read at your own risk!
If you weren’t that impressed with the crop of contestants for Peter’s season of The Bachelor, apparently you’re not the only one. They’re currently filming, and the latest update on what’s going down behind the scenes almost made me fall out of my chair. Buckle up, because Hannah Brown is back in town.
Here’s what happened. A few days ago, there was a group date planned for Peter’s season. At the date, Hannah was set to make an appearance, and she was going to trade sex stories with some of the women. Not sure I love the concept, but it makes sense for an appropriately cringey Bachelor group date. I’m sure Hannah was going to talk about the windmill, and we all would have loved it. But at the last minute, the date was canceled, with the official reason that Peter was sick. This has happened before, so it wasn’t really a cause for concern, BUT THEN.
Again, this is a spoiler ahead so don’t continue reading if you don’t want to see spoilers.
Apparently, Hannah and Peter were talking before the date, and that’s when Peter decided to cancel. Then, instead of going home, he and Hannah continued to hang out. Homeboy wasn’t sick at all! All of this info comes from @bachelornationspoilers on Instagram, and while these things can be hard to confirm, people saw Hannah at the date location. Whatever did or didn’t go down with Peter, she was definitely there.
Honestly, I’m not thrilled about this development. I like Hannah a lot, but I feel like the Bachelor producers need to chill tf out and just let the new season be its own thing. After sitting through an entire season of Bachelor in Paradise that felt like an inside joke we weren’t in on (they need to film at Stagecoach next year), I was looking forward to The Bachelor getting back to normal. Okay, maybe not like normal normal, but just your average season of The Bachelor where the guy just has the choices presented to him. Is that too much to ask??
But instead, we’re getting another round of The Bachelor with literally no fourth wall, where the events on the show are too intertwined with the real world for anything to actually be believable. Maybe Peter will end up engaged to the girl with the puka shell necklace (yikes), but maybe he’ll just keep DMing Hannah instead. They really should start filming this show on a remote island, with no one allowed in or out until it’s all over. It’s the only way.
Obviously, Peter’s season is far from over, so I’m not saying he’s going to ditch all the women for Hannah, but this behind the scenes info isn’t especially promising. On the other hand, there are also rumors that Hannah is hooking up with her Dancing With The Stars partner Alan Bersten, which I personally would support. Last night, they did a Q&A together on his Instagram story, and they seem to get along super well. Whether this is a DWTS fling, the beginning of something serious, or just two randos who are being forced to spend a lot of time together, I’m into it.
It’s been an exhausting few months in Bachelor Nation. We’ve had Tyler and Gigi, Mike and Demi, Blake and everyone, Amanda and the Chanel bag, Nick and Rachel Bilson (maybe), and it seems like we haven’t seen the end of the drama for this year. Guys, I need a f*cking nap. But Bachelor Nation never sleeps, and apparently neither do I. I’ll be waiting eagerly to see whether Peter finds the love of his life, or if he jumps the fence like Colton did (LOL that the fence jump happened like seven months ago, I feel old). It’s going to be a fun journey.
Images: ABC; bachelornationspoilers, alanbersten / Instagram
After weeks of speculation, ABC revealed last night on the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise that Peter Weber, the lovable pilot from Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette, will be the new Bachelor. My reaction resembled that of my parents when I failed my driver’s test by backing into a pole while parallel parking in my instructor’s car: not mad, just bewildered disappointed. After shocking many loyal viewers by choosing Hannah as the Bachelorette, I was hoping the bigwigs at ABC would pull something similar with this year’s Bachelor. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to quit their addiction to mediocre men and went with the safe choice, once again shying away from a lead that might spike controversy or (heaven forbid) a cultural conversation.
He’s Slightly Sketchy
Peter caught some flak this summer when it was revealed by his ex-girlfriend that he dumped her shortly before Christmas, presumably because he found out that he’d been cast as a contestant on The Bachelorette. Opinions differ as to whether the show had anything to do with the breakup, but Peter himself has insisted that his casting occurred months after he parted ways with his ex. Even if we suspend all disbelief and take him at his word, his characterization of the breakup in the People interview is not consistent with the one he gave us on The Bachelorette, particularly during his hometown date, where his parents and brother recounted his most recent heartbreak in a way that gave me Blake-crying-on-his-mommy’s-shoulder vibes. While breakups are usually sad for both parties, the dumper does not usually come away disillusioned at the prospect of finding someone to love again, hence the dumping. We can all agree that Peter’s transgressions pale in comparison to those of dog food jingle lyricist Jed, but he’s not quite the wounded bird he’d like us to think he is either.
One important detail Chris Harrison forgot to announce last night when naming Peter as the Bachelor is that he’s already been The Bachelor. It was four years ago, his hair was darker, and his name was Ben Higgins. In all seriousness, it’s pretty clear that ABC is trying to recreate the ratings magic they had with nice guy Ben by bringing in a shiny new version. To be fair, there is nothing objectively wrong with either Ben or Peter. They’re both mild-mannered, sensitive and steadfast guys. The problem is that their best qualities are the same ones that come to mind when looking to purchase a family minivan. While comfort, reliability and safety are wonderful, I’m not really attracted to a Chrysler Pacifica. In light of recent events I knew we wouldn’t get my first choice Tyler, but I still can’t help but feel that ABC isn’t sending their best. We need a man with an edge and/or some undeniable sex appeal, and someone that still lives at home with his parents isn’t it, no matter how many condoms he has in his center console.
He’s (Yet Another) White Guy
It’s no secret that the Bachelor franchise has a race problem, but it’s a fact that bears repeating. In the more than 17 (!) years that this sh*tshow has been in the cultural zeitgeist, we have had one black female lead and no black male lead. It’s. Time. One could argue that we’ve had several great candidates in years past, especially when we see what passes muster to lead this dumpster fire year after year, but it’s pretty hard to deny that Mike Johnson from this year’s season of The Bachelorette would have been an excellent choice. Kind, charming, successful, smart and handsome, Mike was and is the full package (and Demi Lovato agrees, so don’t @ me). For all those who say he was “boring” on Bachelor in Paradise, kindly refer to my previous paragraph.
Even if Mike was boring on Paradise, I’m not totally convinced that his brief stint on the spin-off was the right litmus test. Mike doesn’t really exude f*ckboy like the Deans and Blakes of the franchise, so it’s possible he simply was not in his element arriving late into a situation where no one but the most boring and phony people were left (you know who you are). It’s true that ABC seriously botched the season with its first black Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, but refusing to engage in the issue at all kills any hope for future progress in dealing with race competently and compassionately. If they can handle a same-sex couple with grace, can’t they work towards doing the same with its contestants of color?
By choosing Peter, the franchise is making a conscious choice to remain stale. It’s not the wisest move for a show that’s been airing for so long that nearly every contestant has learned the rules and is out for fame. If ABC can’t find a dynamic and compelling lead from its usual crop of last year’s rejects, why not flush the format and let art imitate life by casting an actual celebrity? Not only do we reclaim the premise of an aspirational lead that the show was founded on, the contestants’ famewhoring can be repurposed and encouraged as a key element of the entertainment instead of an undesirable byproduct that must not be acknowledged. Until ABC hires me to consult on strategy (call me!), all I can do is hope to be pleasantly surprised with Peter, like I was with Hannah. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and watch, but if I see even the shadow of a windmill, I’m out.
Images: ABC; Giphy (3)
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Hello, Bachelor fam, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! Yes it’s the week of July 4th and, yes, ABC had the audacity to air a new episode right in the middle of my family’s vacation. It’s fine, I’m only having to stream the episode on my phone from a diner down the street because it had better WiFi. IT’S FINE.
Now, when last we left off, Luke, like a cockroach after the rapture, had somehow managed to survive yet another rose ceremony even though he’s apparently very short?? Someone pointed this out in the comments a few weeks back, and now I can’t unsee it. It presents a major flaw in my argument that the only reason Hannah likes him is because he’s tall. In fact, upon further inspection, it appears not only is he short but he’s entire heads shorter than the rest of the men:
Entire ! Heads ! Shorter !!!!
This realization is warping my sense of reality as I know it.
Which brings us to this week: Hannah and the men are set to leave Latvia and this feels like a win for them. It’s been almost three weeks of Latvia and I didn’t think we’d ever make it out of that godforsaken country. Good job, kids! We’re told that they’ll spend the final week before Hometowns in the Netherlands. I can only assume they chose this locale for the Instagrams and I support the shamelessness.
Jed’s One-On-One Date:
The first one-on-one date of the week goes to Jed and his burgeoning music career, which I’m sure he’ll bring up the first chance he can get. I hope trading your soul to Mike Fleiss for a few measly iTunes downloads was worth it, Jed!
TYLER: He didn’t bring his guitar did he?
HE DIDN’T BRING HIS GUITAR DID HE. I’m truly living for this new, petty side of Tyler. If I didn’t love him before, I certainly do now that he’s delivering more shade than my mother complimenting any one of my IG posts.
It’s unclear what the purpose of their date is other than to catch footage of them looking like assholes in the Netherlands. Seriously, what is the point of this date? There’s lots of skipping and far too many Annabelle-esque toys watching them from street corners for my liking.
The two come across a real live Dutch couple who seem both intrigued, and yet very alarmed by the reality TV show invading their homeland.
OLD WOMAN: Where are you from?
Jesus f*cking Christ. First of all, Jed, butchering the English language like that clearly makes you American! Second of all, do we think once this season is all said and done Jed will show up after filming rocking a British accent and acting like he’s the long-lost fifth member of The Beatles? Who wants to start taking bets now?
I love that this old woman is questioning Jed’s intentions. It’s nice to know at least one person in Hannah’s life isn’t falling for his singer/songwriter bullsh*t. She’s like “you love her, yes?” and Jed looks like he’s about to mention how he might be on tour soon and won’t have a lot of time for a relationship.
Jed tells Hannah he wishes she would “open up more” and I’m almost certain he’s talking about her legs. Jed, you little rascal! Also, I think it’s rich that he wants Hannah to be more vulnerable with him WHEN HE HAS ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND BACK HOME. Like, maybe you should open up about the fact that you’re a lying, cheating, McCheaterson mmkay?
His f*ckboy manipulation tactics are clearly paying off though because Hannah is still questioning herself during the cocktail portion of the date even though she’s the goddamn Bachelorette. In her interview aside Hannah is like “I know I need to own my feelings and that’s why I dressed like I’m about to win a debate in the primaries.” I paraphrase.
HANNAH: I knew I was falling for you when we were in that little market and you clicked your heels like that.
Ah, yes. How could you NOT fall in love with a stripper’s dance moves, amiright Hans?
Tyler’s One-On-One Date:
I’ll admit I didn’t watch most of the beginning of this date, because as far as I’m concerned Tyler is making it all the way to the end, and if he doesn’t then I’ll just be here waiting in
the wings his Instagram DMs. Either way, I’m not worried about him, and can’t fathom a man who says things like “I’ll take you at your highs and I’ll take you at your lows” not making it to Hometowns.
There’s just no way!
From what I gather, the two of them are also on a pointless date where they just wander around aimlessly in a foreign country. Look, if I wanted to watch Americans dry heave after eating foreign delicacies I would tune into CNN’s coverage of the President’s trip to North Korea.
Okay, they are talking with their faces very close together. Like, far too close together for two people who just ate slimy fish. Okay, what does Hannah want Tyler to say exactly? She’s like “I want you to explain in excruciating detail the ways in which you pine for me” but, like, he already said he’s into you, Hannah! What more do you want from him??
Despite all of this, Tyler gets the rose and will also be joining Jed next week in Hometowns. I just hope Hannah gets all her vaccines before heading to Florida!!!
Connor Gets The Boot
Meanwhile, the men find out that Mike is getting the third and final one-on-one date of the week, and Connor looks like someone just stole his favorite eraser. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, Connor has the energy of a 12-year-old boy with a crush on his babysitter. Nothing about him says “husband material,” and everything about him says “I spend all my free time doodling Mr. Hannah Brown into my diary.”
He knocks on Hannah’s door in what I guess is an attempt to carve out some one-on-one time with her, but it feels a little too late for that. Oh god, his voice is warbling like he might cry at any second and I can’t watch this moving trainwreck. I CAN’T. *turns up volume*
CONNOR: I don’t always stick out in a crowd but I want to stick out with you.
EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA RN:
He keeps referencing their one-on-one date as the pivotal moment in their relationship and it’s like, kid, she literally tried to call out sick for it! Your sad handwritten Post-It notes meant nothing to her!
Hannah finally bites the bullet and sends Connor home—she doesn’t even wait for the group date. Savage. I do love that he was politely salty on his way out, (or as salty as a grown man wearing Sperrys and capri pants could possibly be). She’s like “I needed more time with you” and he’s like “yeah no shit…that’s why I showed up at your door to roast you about not giving me a one-on-one.”
Oh, Connor. Maybe you can share your favorite eraser with someone in Paradise. Keep your chin up, little buddy!
Mike’s One-On-One Date:
Of course the Bachelorette producers would send Hannah and Mike to The Hague, where they can dry hump in the very spot where global peace was once brokered. HAVE THEY NO SHAME? And since their shamelessness knows no bounds, they send Mike and Hannah to visit a Dutch artist for their date. They are instructed to paint each other and DEAR GOD if I have to witness another Carly/Evan body painting nightmare I will f*cking scream.
Okay, Mike is taking this painting activity way too seriously. He’s critiquing Hannah’s drawing of him as if his own work does not resemble the monster from Bird Box. Why do I have a feeling that Mike is the type of guy who considers it a good time to frequently visit Wine and Design and then critique the instructor?
MIKE: I love art
Mike tells Hannah that he sees her as his future wife and she visibly cringes. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of their date. Tbh I don’t see their connection at all. I mean, Mike is pulling out all the stops with her and she just doesn’t seem into it.
Cut to the evening portion of the date, where Hannah is patrolling the halls of the art museum and trying not to snot all over the priceless art pieces she’s sobbing so hard. Hannah’s gazing up at The Girl With The Pearl Earring as if the art is moving her and those aren’t tears of panic brought on by the thought of spending the rest of her life with a guy who calls her “queen” every other time he sees her.
Hannah shows up to the cocktail portion still sniveling, and it’s not looking good for Mike. Then again, Hannah is always crying at cocktail parties so maybe he thinks she’s just drunk again. It would be a fair assumption. Though she’s dressed like she’s headed to an enemy’s funeral, so that should really be a dead giveaway as to where this evening is going.
HANNAH: It’s over, Mike.
MIKE: I don’t know what to say except…thank you.
THANK YOU?! Did Mike seriously just thank Hannah for this experience? Wowwww. The devil works hard, but Mike is working harder for his spot as Bachelor 2020. Good luck with the campaigning, buddy!
The Group Date:
With Mike and Connor both eliminated, that leaves two roses up for grabs on the group date with Peter The Pilot, Garrett, and Luke. Once again, there appears to be no theme or planned activity for the date, just a discarded cheese plate and stilted conversations. It’s almost as if verbally sparring with Luke is the planned activity and whoever makes it out alive gets to go to Hometowns. May the odds be ever in your favor, boys!
Speaking of which, Luke starts things off by tattling on Garrett to Hannah and it’s like HOW can she possibly still want to sleep with him after this? To phrase it in Hannah’s own words: it is BEFUMBLING to me how he can continue to advance week after week. I feel like their conversations are similar to ones I’ve had moderating a fight between my two friends in seventh grade when they couldn’t agree on if they were Team Lindsay Lohan or Team Hilary Duff during the Aaron Carter debacle.
And you know what? Garrett isn’t really any better. I originally thought he’d go pretty far since he’s 1) hot and 2) also from Alabama, but I find him to be equally as psychotic. He’s getting way too much joy out of this drama with Luke when he should be focusing on Hannah.
Okay, this entire fight has to be scripted. These are not real words humans from earth say to each other. Case in point: no one says bologna that much.
Meanwhile, Peter is out here using all of the pilot lines in his arsenal. And you know what? It’s WORKING FOR ME. Even though Peter has definitely slept with 500 women and probably has his own version of the Derek Jeter “thank you for sex” gift basket (but it has like a little pair of wings in it and some mini bags of pretzels), he’s still coming out on top compared with these two psychos.
It works for Hannah too because she gives him a rose, which means now we’re down to Luke and Garrett. Luke pulls has one last card up his sleeve, and it’s the Jesus in the shower thing.
Hannah is nodding her head along to this story as if Luke isn’t literally describing having an orgasm in the shower. He saying things like “then I just let go” and “this is heaven” and it’s like WE GET IT, WEIRDO, YOU WERE JERKING OFF IN THE SHOWER.
Garrett takes the opposite route by regurgitating word-for-word speeches of past years about falling in love, but I feel nothing when he speaks. Like, he could be listing his grocery list for how impassioned this sounds.
It’s time to give out the final rose and Hannah looks distressed at her two choices. Perhaps she should consult her art again. She says she has to “go with her heart” which I guess means the man with a steroid addiction because Luke is the last guy going to Hometowns!
And on that note, I’m outtie betches! While it’s been fun furiously recapping on stolen diner WiFi, our time together has come to an end. See you next week for Hometowns!
Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @luke_parker777 /Instagram (1); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)