Like the roommate who started polluting your apartment with Hobby Lobby Christmas decorations before your Halloween hangover even subsided, ABC is also gearing up early for the holidays. But instead of gifting you with a fake Christmas tree that does nothing but partially block your view of the TV and give your dog diarrhea whenever she chews on it, ABC has gifted us with the gift that keeps on giving: the first official trailer for Peter’s season of The Bachelor.
The first promo for the season dropped a little over a week ago and gave us more windmill green screen imagery than the PowerPoint deck for the Green New Deal. Like, we GET IT, he f*cked in a windmill. I figured the trailer would be much of the same. And for the most part it was: we got Chris Harrison delivering his first contractually obligated “most dramatic season ever” of the season, at least 10 frames of Peter standing shirtless next to a plane, and footage of girls who are way too hot for Peter pretending to be into Peter. Basically, the storyboard for the teaser trailer could have been crafted by someone who doesn’t have working eyes or ears and only knows that Peter is a pilot (Chris Harrison’s least favorite nephew-turned-ABC-intern, I am looking at YOU). But then, just as I’m tempted to exit out of the trailer entirely, who should pop up on my screen? None other than HANNAH MF BROWN.
Before we go any further, here’s the full trailer so you can watch it in its entirety:
Not only does Hannah make an appearance during the season, but Peter actually asks her to stay AND THEN THEY ALMOST KISS. I mean, their body language alone has enough fire in it to burn ABC studios to the ground, and a still of their lips almost touching is certainly going to be my phone’s new background photo. I want to believe in a world where Hannah B gets a second chance at love on The Bachelor, I really do. But that would also require me to believe that the Easter bunny exists and that I plan my spring vacations around a groundhog. All I’m saying is the trailer looks a little too good to be true. Like, so untrue it might be world-class production editing untrue.
For one, Hannah B. just won the Dancing With the Stars. It seems unlikely that she could be on two reality TV shows at the same time, especially considering they aren’t filmed in the same city. Dancing With the Stars is filmed in Hollywood, CA, while The Bachelor takes up residence in Agoura Hills. According to Google Maps, that’s like an hour plus commute each way, but you might as well add ten years to that when you factor in California traffic.
Even if Hannah could do both shows, I don’t think she would. Don’t get me wrong, during her season’s After The Final Rose, I saw sparks between her and Peter. She practically had her hand down his pants at one point, so I could see them happening. What I don’t see happening is Hannah trying to compete for his attention with 20+ other women. She had her own season of The Bachelorette for god’s sake, she’s not going to go back to being on the other side of “can I steal you for a sec?”
And it’s not like Hannah isn’t single either. She recently confirmed that she’s not dating her Dancing With the Stars dance partner, Alan Bersten, nor is she dating ex Tyler Cameron. But she also said that she has “trauma from dating” (same girl). Something tells me that she’s not jumping back out into the dating world via bikini-clad group dates and drunken confessionals. Just a guess.
Then there’s the matter of video editing. This isn’t the first time ABC has promised us a fire season only to deliver a throne of lies built off one juicy season trailer. Take Colton’s infamous fence jump, for example. Production teased that happening from day one. They made it seem as if Colton’s meltdown would happen early on and in front of multiple women, when in all actuality the fence jump heard ‘round the world occurred during one of the last episodes of the season and in front of no one but Chris Harrison and a few shocked camera men. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hannah whole “I’d do anything for love” line from the trailer wasn’t taken completely out of context for the sole purpose of leading us. Nice try, ABC, but you aren’t the first f*ckboy I’ve encountered, mmkay?
So, do I think Hannah is going to be on Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor? The short answer is yes, but for less time than a commercial break. I’m not saying that Pilot Pete and Hannah are over for good (I will hold onto this torch until the end of time), but if anything happens between the two of them it won’t be on our TV screens, but rather, over Instagram DMs like God intended. Only time will tell, I suppose. Either way see you betches in January for the new season!
Images: ABC (1); Youtube (1)
Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I think I speak for all of us when I say that last week’s episode was absolutely wild—and I’m not even talking about Cam’s sob story! First, Hannah tried to win the men over by putting a group of them, whose compassion for the female anatomy probably goes about as far as saying “that sucks” when an ex-girlfriend complained about her cramps, through simulated labor and
breastfeeding. Then she decided to forgo the one-on-one date entirely in favor of lying in bed titty twisters hungover sick. Iconic. Finally, in a move that shocked absolutely no one, Hannah sent Cam packing at the rose ceremony. Apparently she didn’t love his retelling of Oliver Twist when she asked him to tell her a little bit more about himself. Sad!
Moving on. This week, Chris Harrison lets the men know that they’ll be allowed
some yard time to actually leave the mansion! This is great news for some of them, especially the ones who have only traveled about as far as the parking lot when it was decked out in bales of hay and kegs of Keystone Light for Hannah’s rose ceremony that one time. I’m happy for them!
They’ll be going to Newport, Rhode Island, and they act as if Chris just told them they won an all-inclusive trip to Croatia for Yacht Week. Sighs.
Okay, wait why are the men staying in Rhode Island if the first one-on-one date is going to take place in Boston? Why not just stay in Boston? Which intern f*cked up and forgot to book the hotel? My money’s on Chris Harrison’s least favorite nephew. Why else would he be offscreen so much this season if not because he’s riddled with shame and embarrassment? It can’t possibly be because he doesn’t give a sh*t anymore. Nope.
Jed’s One-on-One Date:
Jed gets the first one-on-one date this week and I hope for all our sakes that he does not attempt to sing. I can’t take one more karaoke audition from him. I just can’t.
Hannah begins the date by absolutely butchering American history. She’s like “no taxation without representation…maybe. Idk. I saw it on a bumper sticker once!” Jesus Christ. I guess that’s just Alabama’s public education system at work, people! Considering a friend of mine, who also hails from Hannah’s home state, once told me that she doesn’t believe dinosaurs are real because her school just didn’t cover them in history class and so, therefore, there’s no scientific basis for their existence, I’m honestly surprised Hannah even knew there was a Revolutionary War to begin with. You’re doing amazing, sweetie!
HANNAH: Today is all about fun. Fun and America.
Why do I have a feeling that’s about to be Trump’s campaign slogan in 2020?
Okay, I’m actually really loving Jed and Hannah together. He seems very down-to-earth and is much more palatable to me now that he’s ditched those wide brimmed hats he was always wearing.
Just when Jed was starting to think their entire date was going to be one long Halo Top sponsorship, Hannah surprises him with a private basketball practice session with the Boston Celtics! I feel as if the coolness of this date might be lost on ole Jedediah. He doesn’t look like the type to be into organized sports. Maybe horse shoeing. Or brewing his own beer out of recycled potato skins.
I like that this young, hot basketball player in the prime of his career is giving Hannah advice on how to be in a monogamous relationship as if he probably doesn’t take a page out of the Tristan Thompson cheating handbook. K.
Andddd he gets an immediate blowjob for that blind shot. Bravo. Real talk though: how many times do you think they filmed that scene until they got that shot? I’m picturing at least as many times as it took for Michael Scott to catch the warehouse guys on the flippity flip.
What started out as a beautiful date and a promising relationship quickly crashes and burns when Jed casually announces that he’s only on the show to advance his music career. JED. You can’t just say these things out loud!! Save that for your first FabFitFun box unveiling post-production like everybody else does! MY GOD it’s like he knows nothing about show biz.
Wait did she just THANK HIM FOR HIS HONESTY?! Hannah, the man just said he’s only on the show for Instagram likes and you’re going to just hand him a rose like that? Why are we not flogging him in the town square?? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE.
JED: All I need is you
Mark my words, kids, that will be the title of his first hit single. Mark. My. Words.
The Group Date:
Fast forward to the group date, where the men will be playing a game of rugby, though Luke is already treating it like he is William Wallace and this is Scotland’s last stand. K.
Okay, Hannah’s aggression during the rugby match is freaking me out. She’s all “today’s about having fun!” but then also she’s like “somebody better f*cking bleed.” Hannah gets her wish, because some rando in the house takes a hit and dislocates his shoulder. She practically orgasms at the bloodshed. Then there’s JPJ who looks like he’s one wrong shove away from calling his daddy and getting the family lawyers down there. Gotta love that kid.
I love that no one will just come out and say Luke is on steroids. They’re all like “he’s aggressive” or “he’s really into the game.” The man is practically foaming at the mouth! I think it’s safe to say there’s something else going on here. Like, dude, you said you played high school football. Chill.
Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening where the mood is tense. The other men are pissed at Luke for shoving that random guy during the game as well as Luke S. I love how production puts all these dudes on steroids into physical challenges where they are forced to assault each other, and then gets them to act surprised and outraged when people have to go to the hospital. Come on.
Luke P plays it smart and immediately seeks out Hannah to let her know that he’s not a psychopath, he just acts like one sometimes during very low-stakes recreational sports games. Lol. Got it.
LUKE P: I don’t think you can trust Luke S. He’s always talking about his brand.
HE’S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HIS BRAND. I’m crying. Yeah, him and every other guy on the internet just looking for a “chill girl” to date! What’s your point, Lukie?
Luke S, who, according to his bio, worked in politics, handles this new development with about as much grace and maturity as a kindergartener who got his blocks stolen.
“Luke P is bullying me and my tequila business, which isn’t even a business yet. But also if you would like to know more about my tequila business please follow me on IG for the launch details.” — Luke S actively not talking about his business.
While the Lukes are shaking their fists at each other and exchanging insults straight from the script of a Hello Dolly!, Hannah is off canoodling with Peter The Pilot and I am not okay. Mostly, because Peter is my boyfriend and it’s rude that he would cheat on me like this.
The night ends with Garrett getting the group date rose despite the fact that I do not remember him speaking words this entire episode. But he is tall and hot and that feels like criteria enough these days to receive a group date rose.
Tyler’s One-On-One Date
First of all, I didn’t even realize this was a one-on-one date because Hannah is just casually weeping in a corner. I, mean, this is literally my mood always on a date but MY GOD Hannah you’re the Bachelorette. Suck it up!
Tyler shows up and is like “Beautiful morning, huh??” Never mind that your date is snotting into her coat sleeve, just continue commenting on the cloud coverage, Ty!
Rough night? Did you get drunk again?
It’s a valid question, Ty!
Hannah’s like “Sorry I’m no fun today, I’m just so emotional,” and Tyler doesn’t even blink. First of all, if they were on a date in the real world and she showed up all weepy like that Tyler would be gone in three seconds flat. I should know because I have shown up to a date in similar form, and let me tell you friends, that guy didn’t want to see my highs or my lows, just the quickest way to the exit.
Tyler talks her into carrying out the rest of their date. They go fishing and it’s almost as cute as the story he tells later about watching The Bachelorette with his dad when he was sick, and how his dad was the one to encourage him to be on the show. It’s very sweet. My mother says something similar when she watches this show with me, but replace “go for it!” with “you’ll be disowned.” Potatoes, pah-ta-toes.
The Rose Ceremony:
At long last we reach the rose ceremony, and the Lukes are still battling it out for the Iron Petty Throne. Luke is still squeezing his tiny fists as the rest of the house calculates how to quietly murder him and dispose of the body before Hannah hands out the roses. Good luck with that guys!
Also, just going to leave this here:
Elsewhere, Hannah and Peter canoodle on a couch and honestly their relationship is just making me angry at this point. He’s like “I just believe in being really direct and intentional so would you be my girlfriend?” PETER SHOULD BE MINE WTF. Like, who says stuff like that?? He is a goddamn unicorn.
Okay, is it just me or does Luke S seem like he is one of those aliens from Men in Black wearing a skin suit? He does not speak like someone who has been human for a long time. And considering he is a POLITICIAN, he should be better at this. No wonder he had to leave DC and start a tequila company.
Hannah calls the Lukes in to get to the bottom of the drama, and it feels a bit like they’ve been called to the principal’s office.
HANNAH: Luke, can you tell me what happened here?
This should go well! No rose ceremony tonight because apparently my time means nothing to the overlords at ABC. It looks like we’ll have to wait until next week to find out which Luke will prevail. My money is on the one Hannah has already given an over the pants handie to. Sorry, Luke S, looks like you’ll have to go back to pimping out your tequila business on IG like the rest of the plebes! See you for next week’s Bachelorette, betches!
Images: Giphy (4); @teamtylercameron /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
It’s been less than 48 hours since we crawled across the finish line in Colton’s season of The Bachelor, but ABC is refusing to let us rest. Last night, after a 12-hour Instagram and Facebook blackout that may or may not have taken years off my life, Mike Fleiss and his goons decided to show us all 33 of Hannah B.’s contestants. Can we really not have one day off before thinking about The Bachelorette? I mean, even God got to rest on the seventh day, and he didn’t even have to put up with Colton’s sh*t first.
So, aside from ripping ABC a new asshole for not giving us a break, I seriously need to address these 33 men. WHERE IS ABC FINDING THESE PEOPLE? This roster of dudes is loaded with some serious grenades, and I don’t understand why they were even considered in the first place.
Okay, so I understand that looks aren’t the only important thing in the world, and it seems shallow to judge people based on their appearance. That’s great, but the whole foundation of The Bachelor franchise is hot people falling in love on TV. That’s how it’s always been, and it seems a little unfair to Hannah B. that ABC has suddenly decided to not care about looks. Think about the women on Colton’s season. You had multiple pageant queens, and even if you thought all of them were boring, you can’t really argue that they were hot. What is this double standard between the men and the women? If I have to sit through a season of hot 23-year-olds who can’t form sentences, I at least want some male eye candy to match.
#TheBachelor casting call: BABY PROSTITUTES WANTED#TheBachelorette casting call: looking for some men, job optional, teeth optional
— Dylan Hafer (@50shadesofbetch) March 14, 2019
Along with the lack of effort in casting, ABC clearly invested very little effort and/or money in the official photos of these guys, because they look less legit than my fake ID photo that I took in front of a piece of blue poster board in a dorm hallway. Apparently everyone was given the choice of three different awkward poses—God forbid anyone look happy or relaxed. The teal background is definitely a choice, and by “choice” I mean the local post office was throwing it away so ABC snapped it up. But what’s worse? They couldn’t even be bothered to turn on the lights for some of these guys! Case in point, Connor J.:
Hello ABC, it is 2019! I have better lighting using my iPhone selfie camera in a pitch black room. Where is the production budget!? Hannah B. better be on her A-game when The Bachelorette starts, because ABC is clearly trying to sabotage her season right out of the gate.
We’ll have plenty of time later to roast these guys one at a time once their bios come out, so I’ll limit it to a couple for now. First, please pour one out for this knock-off Nick Viall. He’s allegedly 29 years old, but I do not believe that he doesn’t still live in a frat house.
There are truly too many men here for me to make fun of, but my personal favorite has to be Daron. Look into this man’s eyes and tell me he is not OJ Simpson, I dare you. This season on The Bachelorette, THE JUICE IS LOOSE. Will Kris Jenner make a surprise appearance on a group date? We can only hope.
If you want to see all 33 of these tragic, tragic men, you can click here, because at this point I really can’t think about them anymore. Right now, we just have names, ages, and hometowns, so we’ll be eagerly awaiting to hear more about all of these men and their lame personalities. I bet some of them have great jobs such as “used car salesman”, “dog fight ringleader”, or “unemployed.” Can’t wait to see Hannah’s reaction when they all get out of the limo. If I were her, I’d f*cking run for the hills.
Images: ABC (4); @50shadesofbetch / Twitter