Presented by Skinnypop

Welcome back to my own personal hellscape night two of The Bachelor season finale! Last night was a whirlwind of emotions—and I’m not just talking about Barb’s religious experience after downing a bottle of pinot. Peter started out the episode with two hot, semi-legal brunettes to choose from, but by the end of the two hours, Madison had tapped out completely and left Peter to cry softly into his sparkling cider. I’m not sure what scared her away more: Peter’s family trying to explain the male g-spot to her over omelets or finding out or that Peter is apparently the dancing queen over at the local discoteca. It’s a real toss-up. 

Which brings us to tonight: Hannah Ann is the last woman standing and Peter seems about as excited about it as someone who is about to undergo a colonoscopy in the morning. At one point he even tells Hannah Ann that despite incorporating a reenactment of The Titanic into their foreplay during the fantasy suites, their tepid night together just isn’t going to cut it; he’s also in love with Madison. 

But before we get into that, ABC brings us back to the live taping, where Chris Harrison makes a point to acknowledge Kelley in the crowd. I’m sorry, but WHAT. ABC has to be trolling us because the internet thinks they end up together… right? RIGHT?! Whatever the case, I’m just glad ABC finally let Kelley out of her cage. Happy for you, girl!

Meanwhile, back in Australia, Peter is desperately trying to talk himself and Neil Lane into this proposal. He’s like “I love her! I think. Probably. YES! I love her! I do!”

NEIL LANE, PROBABLY:

Peter, buddy, I mean this with love, but you sound unhinged.

Okay, is that Hannah Ann’s proposal dress?? At first I thought that was just a very fashion-forward robe over some bridal lingerie, but that’s the whole look? That’s it?! 

Though Hannah Ann went through the process of getting dressed and getting full glam, she declares that she’s emotionally drained and doesn’t feel like going to the rose ceremony before collapsing on her bed. These are things I say at 8:01 every morning when I debate if I actually need my day job to clothe and feed my dog. These are not things you should say right before you’re supposed to get engaged!!

Peter is down at the proposal spot, dressed in a dashing blue suit that I’m sure Barb picked out for him while stroking his hair and holding him at gunpoint until he agreed to marry Hannah Ann in the first place. He’s playing “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat in his right now, when Chris Harrison tells him that he isn’t sure Hannah Ann is coming to the rose ceremony anymore. HAHAHA. Guys, I just almost peed myself. This is priceless. I can’t. Also, I can’t say that I’m really surprised. This is what happens when you pick a woman so young they haven’t had to commit to a rental car yet, let alone a lifetime with one man. 

In the end, Hannah Ann decides to show up to her own engagement. She heard there would be free booze, after all. Do we feel like maybe Chris Harrison only told Peter that to drum up a little extra drama to this otherwise boring engagement? Maybe she was running a little late, Chris? Did you ever think about that!!

Chris is like “welcome, Hannah Ann, what great timing you have” and it’s like, yeah Peter was only about to throw himself off a bridge, but good that you made it!

You can tell Hannah Ann is fully prepared to get dumped today. She’s looking at him like she’d like him to hurry up please, boarding for her flight starts in an hour. To be fair, he hasn’t told her that Madison left yet and that he literally has no other options, save that rabid kangaroo in the background. 

Peter starts off his proposal strong by saying Madison’s name first. Oof. Peter! Her name is Hannah Ann, repeat after me.

God this proposal is the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He’s like “well, Madison left, and you already let me put it in, so… you’re in I guess!” Wow. Swoon. 

The happy couple! For about 5 more minutes! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/xcbstsRvTD

— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020

Back To The Real World

After the proposal, Peter arrives back in L.A. where his first stop is to his parents’ house so he can deliver the news of his engagement. He’s like, “I listened to every word you said, but then Madison left anyways so it didn’t really matter in the end!” Yes, that’s accurate. 

Guys, Barb’s reaction to finding out Peter chose Hannah Ann is about as healthy as my reaction was when I found out the Sprouse twins had opened a meadery in Williamsburg. I think she may have just ruptured my eardrum with those shrieks. 

A month later Hannah Ann and Peter are finally reunited for the first time since Australia. Now that his parents aren’t in the room and he finally got accepted on Raya, he doesn’t seem as excited to be engaged. I’m very confused by what is happening on my television screen rn. Is he braking up with her? Peter has Hannah Ann physically draped over his body like the blanket his abuela knit him for Christmas last year, but then tells her he isn’t sure if he still loves her.

HANNAH ANN: I would stand by you even if it kills me

Kills you, Hannah Ann? This is killing ME. ABC has only been slowly eeking the life force out of me for the last 10 weeks, while you just learned that “finasco” is not a real word yesterday. But, sure, tell me all about how this process has been killing you. 

Peter keeps talking about how he’s been “battling” with everything over this past month and it’s like, dude, you’re not trying to bring peace to the Middle East, you’re just trying to feel less guilty about jacking off to Madison in the shower whilst being engaged to Hannah Ann. It’s not that serious.

I think it’s clear at this point that Peter is probably going to dump Hannah Ann, and she is not having it. She may have forgotten to shower for the last six days and had her dry shampoo taken at customs, but she WILL still have her dignity. 

Hannah Ann tells Peter that she’s been patient with him, she’s had faith in him, she’s stood by him, and he’s about to ruin her first engagement by dumping her a month later. I would lead troops to battle with this speech to rally behind. GO OFF, Hannah Ann. 

I will say the cameraman capturing Barb’s facial expressions as she watches this entire scene play out at the live taping, is the true hero here. You, sir, deserve a medal. 

Meanwhile, things aren’t going too well with Peter and Hannah Ann. You can tell he was hoping she wouldn’t put up much of a fight. He watched how Arie dumped Becca and all Becca did was cry in the corner! He shouldn’t have dumped a 23-year-old, though. She’s got more energy in one of her hair follicles than I have in my entire body, and the only time a man has ever disappointed her was when her Starbucks barista forgot to make her order a skinny. Watch out, Peter, she’s coming for your ass. 

HANNAH ANN: 

I SAID YES AND I GET THIS. And then she waves the motherf*cking ring in his face!!! Guys, watching a former Chi Omega social chair roast a grown man over the flame of her ever burning hatred is putting YEARS back on my life. I have more energy, my skin feels clearer, my hair seems shinier. This is the America I want to live in. 

PETER: *breathes*
THE LIVE AUDIENCE:

Hannah Ann flings the ring at Peter’s face and BARB CLAPS IN THE AUDIENCE. Why do I feel like Peter is no longer invited to his own family holidays? You can practically feel Barb’s hatred for her own son through the TV screen. She’s so pissed, I love it. You know this warranted a spanking when he got home.

“LEAVE.” THE HAND. I’M UNWELL. 

Give that girl an Oscar because I have been thoroughly entertained. I didn’t think Hannah Ann had any of this in her, but damn. I’m impressed. 

Hannah Ann Confronts Peter

In real time, Chris Harrison brings Hannah Ann out to the stage to finish skinning Peter alive with her words. He’s like “Peter, I know we just watched your entire life blow up, but what’s one more grenade to your happiness?” What’s one more grenade, indeed, Chris.

I know I’ve been ragging on Hannah Ann since literally day one, but I’m truly impressed with how she’s carried herself throughout this entire ordeal. I’m not sure if her agent is in the audience holding up cue cards with these zinger comebacks or what, but she is absolutely slaying this conversation right now. 

PETER: *makes direct eye contact one time*
HANNAH ANN: 

THAT’S CALLED BEING BLINDSIDED, PETER. Hannah Ann continues to fillet what’s left of Peter’s dignity in front of a live studio audience, and I’m living for this. I wish I could say that I feel bad for him even a little bit, but I don’t. When Hannah Ann said “I would defend you until it kills me” that’s kind of how I used to feel about Peter before watching this episode. Did he seem a little spineless to me throughout the season? You bet. But what man isn’t spineless? I genuinely thought he did a decent job of being the Bachelor and I was rooting for him—head wound and all!—throughout this entire season, but this is the first time I’m truly disappointed in him. He strung this girl along to pad his ego because he was feeling insecure after Madison left. Disgusting. 

Chris Harrison gives Hannah Ann the final word, and boy, does she use it to her advantage. She tells Peter that if he wants to be with a woman then he needs to be a real man first and I. Am. SCREAMING.

Hannah Ann has ignited something in me this episode and I’m ready to round up all the men and burn them at the stake for their stupidity. Where you lead I will follow, bitch!

What About Madison Tho?

Now that Peter has been emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure, Chris Harrison drops one more bomb on him: he went to visit Madison in Alabama a few weeks ago. Just casual! Nbd! Meanwhile, Peter looks like he’s about to soil himself on this stage if he gets one more surprise. 

ABC starts rolling the footage from that visit and we get to watch Chris Harrison doing what he does best: being a messy bitch who lives for drama. The gleeful expression on his face as he trespasses on Madison’s front lawn is priceless.

Okay, Madison, if I didn’t hate you before, I certainly do now after that little “I couldn’t eat for weeks” comment. We get it, you’re tiny! STOP BRAGGING. 

She says that she made a mistake and if she could do things over again she wouldn’t have made the same choices. This earns her a disgusted eye roll from Peter’s mom in the audience. Again, I say, that camera man is doing the lord’s work. Bless you, sir.

Chris fills Madi in on what’s been happening since she left The Bachelor. He tells her Peter did get engaged to Hannah Ann, but waits until Madi’s entire face crumples before telling her that Peter broke off said engagement two weeks later. This is what we call burying the lede, Chris! On the bright side, I think I now know the secret ingredient to Chris’s youthful skin: just a dab of the pain and misery of others. Really gives him that glow-and-get-‘em skin. 

CHRIS HARRISON: Peter said it’s his dream to be engaged to you. 

Wow, okay, Chris is really taking some liberties here because that’s not exactly what Peter said. I think what Peter actually said was something along the lines of, “I wish she was still here but I guess I’ll marry Hannah Ann instead.” But, sure, the dream thing too. 

And just like that, Madi is heading off to L.A. to go get her Pachi! So, let me get this straight: she was so hurt by Peter sleeping with other women that she left the show because it didn’t sit right with her faith, but it’s cool that in the eyes of the lord he was ENGAGED to another woman before her? Cool, cool. 

When Madi shows up in L.A. you can tell Peter is absolutely shocked to see her there. Not only did Madison have to sneak away from Chad and her youth group in the dead of night, but she also had to get past Peter’s front door without Barb seeing it on the door cam and calling the cops. That’s dedication. 

Madison tells Peter that she hoped her feelings for him would go away, but Chris Harrison actually wouldn’t let that be possible. That’s sweet. I hope when they tell this story to their kids they don’t gloss over this manipulation part of it. 

CHRIS HARRISON: Do you still love Madison?
PETER: ….yeah

So I guess their love story is going to consist of a series of half-hearted “yeahs”. Cool, cool. 

“yeah” YEAH?! Say it with your chest Peter! Can I get a yes one time? #TheBachelor

— Ria (@BarstoolRia) March 11, 2020

With that ringing endorsement, Chris brings Madison out onto the stage. All Madison has to do is breathe and Barb is already heavily sighing and mouthing “I can’t” to her shame-face husband. God, I love Barb. She kills me. 

Wait, so they haven’t seen each other since that day in L.A.? You’re telling me that this is the first time they’ve been in the same room since that last lingering forehead touch? Absolutely nothing has been resolved here? WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW I SWEAR TO GOD.

Chris asks what the next step is for the two of them and I don’t miss the look Peter sends his mother before answering. Listen, he can’t just make that decision on the spot, Chris! He has to run it by his mommy first, okay?

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I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing

A post shared by @ bacheloring on Mar 10, 2020 at 8:42pm PDT

Speaking of which, Chris Harrison gives Barb the floor and I can’t wait for her pour some olive oil on Madison and emotionally sautee her in front of a live studio audience. She says that she’s been getting a lot of love in her DMs, and I believe it. I’m a fan. I’d like to bottle up those passive-aggressive eyerolls and keep them in my pocket for a rainy day.

According to Barb, ABC left out some key footage from Madison and Peter’s family date in Australia. Apparently, Madison made them wait three hours before she would come into the house, presumably so she could slut-shame their son on the front lawn. When she finally did come into the house, she told Barb that she wouldn’t marry her son. Damnnnnn, Barbra. You’re not holding back any punches tonight, are you?

Look, do I think Madison is to blame for all of this? Not really. I’m sure production played a role here, especially with that three hour wait thing. But I do think Barb is touching on some thoughts I’ve had throughout this season about Madison being a bit more two-faced than she lets on. From day one she’s been manipulating Peter and withholding key information about herself. She downplayed her faith and virginity to him at every turn, and then used it against him when she didn’t get her way. Barb may be a little unhinged, but at least she’s a perceptive psycho. 

Also, it’s clear this is never going to work between the two of them. Barb HATES Madison with the fire of a thousand suns and there’s no way in hell Peter is going to be able to mediate this relationship for the rest of his goddamn life. He’s struggling right now, and he has ABC holding up helpful cue cards from the audience!

I will say Madison gets props for holding her own against Barb in ABC’s gladiator arena live studio. She says she was “undeniably myself” throughout this entire experience, and if by that she means “someone who is rude and late” then I think Barb might agree with her there.

Chris tries to wrap things up but Barb just keeps sh*tting on Madison from the sidelines. I love this so much. Meanwhile, Peter’s dad is trying not to make any sudden movements lest she turn on him too.

CHRIS HARRISON: Well, you two will figure it out, right mom?
BARB:

YOU HAVE TO FAIL TO SUCCEED. What does that even mean! Here Madi is thinking she and Peter are about to ride off into the sunset together and Barbra just put some sort of witch’s curse on the two of them to doom their happiness for generations to come. 

And that’s a wrap for the season, kids! In terms of finales, this one was a wild ride. I laughed, I cried, I peed myself just a little. Good times. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be here replaying Barb’s facial expressions on loop until The Bachelorette starts back up again. Until then!

Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (8); @barstoolria /Twitter (2);  @bacheloring /Instagram (1)

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Welcome back to hell night two of The Bachelor season finale because, yes, Colton’s season is STILL somehow going on. I should know, I’ve only been praying all day that God would drop an anvil on my head or something and finally put me out of my misery. But alas, I’m still here. Last night we watched Colton audition for Naked and Afraid take to the wild streets of Portugal until Chris Harrison, who earned his paycheck and then some, coddled his ego enough that he could be lured back to the hotel. Snaps for you, Chris! The rest of the episode flipped back and forth between Colton dumping any woman who would actually sleep with him and live content from After The Final Rose. The episode ended with Colton deciding to risk the last remnants of his dignity by getting on his hands and knees and begging to Cassie to take him back. Jesus.   

Moving on to this week. Chris Harrison starts things off by posing this question to the audience: can Cassie be bribed find love with Colton or will he remain a virgin forever? Because I guess that’s what’s really important here, not finding unconditional love and everlasting happiness, but that Colton really needs to get laid!!

Cassie opens the door and she doesn’t look at all surprised to see Colton there. Is it normal for her to have grown-ass men sobbing at her door?

COLTON: I broke up with Tayshia and Hannah for you.
CASSIE:

Did she just straight-up laugh in his face when he said that? CASSIE! At least keep it together until he’s not in the room! Also, Colton, it’s not looking good for you, buddy. Cassie’s like “I don’t understand because other girls told me they were farther along with and I literally said I’m not interested??” Yeah, it’s a mystery to us too, Cassie.

She is so turned off by him right now, it’s crazy. She’s, like, still trying to convince him to dump her, but Colton is clinging on to her for dear life. I also just don’t understand why Cassie is freaking out like this? He says they don’t have to get engaged at the end, so the only reason she should be freaking out is if she actually doesn’t like him, which is definitely the case!!

Wait. Why are they kissing now?? I don’t understand. Are they together? Are they breaking up? Is it a pity kiss? WHAT IS HAPPENING.

COLTON: I know you don’t want to be seen with me in public anymore, but I can offer you a free trip to Spain?
CASSIE: Fine.

FINE?! I can’t believe I’m wasting FOUR HOURS of my life that I will never be able to get back on a girl that has the same feelings about her relationship as I do about saltine crackers.

Cassie Meets The Fam

Yes, you read that right. A girl who might describe her feelings for Colton as lukewarm at best is going to meet his parents. Colton explains what went down during the fantasy suites, and his parents look appropriately horrified, and not just about the amount of times their adult son has mentioned his virginity during family breakfast.

Colton says he’s going to be optimistic about this relationship, but there’s literally no one else, so really what are his options? 

Right away Uncle John is like “So are you dating? Just friends? Letting Colton at least get a BJ at the end of all this?” UNCLE JOHN. He’s worse then my friend Ashley who’s always asking me to define the relationship when she knows damn well that I prefer to keep any of my romantic entanglements an emotional arms-length away. God!

Colton’s mom pulls him aside, and I hope she slaps some sense into him. Is it just me or is Colton acting like they’re actually dating? But Cassie has not at all said that those words. He’s acting like once they leave this show, Cassie will be his. Um, after she leaves ABC’s clutches she’s not contractually obligated to be anywhere near you anymore, bro.

CASSIE: Where should I start when it comes to our relationship?
COLTON’S MOM: Well, you can start with your decision to bail.
ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM:

Y’all, I’m truly living for the disgust Colton’s family is openly displaying for Cassie rn. They’re not even trying to hide it at this point. His mother is practically sneering into her margarita, and his dad is crying because he hates her so much. Their resentment is putting an extra spring in my step.

The Last One-On-One Date

Colton gets one last chance to bribe Cassie not to leave him while the cameras aren’t rolling, and he is pulling out all the stops. Romantic scenery, a once-in-a-lifetime activity which he can twist into a metaphor about their relationship and taking a “leap of faith.” God, I hope it all blows up in his face.

For the date, they’re having a picnic seaside, but first they have to shimmy down a cliff. Cassie, you better be careful what you say to him…one wrong word and Colton might throw himself off that cliff. Honestly, I’m hoping they both fall to their deaths.

Cassie finally admits that she has commitment issues, and not only is she not ready to get married, but she can’t even see herself dating someone, which is why she signed up for a show where the end goal is to be in a committed relationship. Makes sense.

Cut to the cocktail portion of this evening, and Cassie is pretending to be mildly attracted to Colton again. Which producer had to whisper “thousands more Instagram followers” into her ear before this to get her hyped enough for this date?

CASSIE: You’ve taught me a lot. Like I can’t get away no matter how far I run.

That’s the spirit, girlfriend!

Colton asks Cassie if she feels like giving him pity sex going into the fantasy suite and she says yes!! Against all odds (and so many tears), Colton is actually going to lose his virginity. He kicks production out and all but throws his mic and his underwear out into the hallway. This is so uncomfortable. Like, I’m watching a docuseries on a brothel. I feel dirty.

Cut to the next morning and Colton is all but waving her bra in the air for the cameras, he’s that f*cking smug.

COLTON: We did what was right for our relationship.
ALSO COLTON:

Good for you, Colton! you’re a big boy now. I hope those five seconds were everything you dreamed they would be.

After The Final Rose

Chris brings out Colton and Cassie and, because he is a messy bitch, immediately asks them if they banged. He doesn’t even pretend to beat around the bush. Though, now that I think about it, that’s probably about as much foreplay as Colton gave Cassie in Portugal, so by all means Chris Harrison, carry on.

God. F*ck off, Colton. He’s like “I know I profited off my virginity for the past 10 weeks, but now that you want an answer I’m not going to tell you.” Yeah the only reason he’s not “kissing and telling” is because Cassie’s dad probably threatened to castrate him or something.

COLTON: We’ve come really far since our time on the show. Cassie is actually letting me breathe the same air as her now!

I’m sorry, but did Colton just say that “spending a lot of time together” is a big step in their relationship? Was he not mentally and emotionally prepared to MARRY someone at the beginning of this, and now he’s just settling for being allowed to be within 100 feet of his girlfriend? Oh, Colton.

ABC rolls out some footage of their time together post-production and it’s really sweet to watch Cassie finally get on board with this and read what production wrote about Colton word-for-word. Thanks for finally getting with the program, sweetie!

Okay, who tf is Air Supply and why are they on my screen rn? Is ABC punking me? Is this just another one-on-one and the season is still happening?? I’m so confused.

I love that they’re forcing Colton and Cassie to dance in front of this entire viewing audience like the performing circus animals they are. Dance, monkeys, dance! 

Also, the band is belting out the lyrics “making love out of nothing at all” as these two pretend to be into each other is the ultimate burn. Bravo, ABC.

Next up, ABC announces the next Bachelorette and it’s… Alabama Hannah!! Wow. This might be the first time Hannah B has beat Caelynn out for anything in her entire damn life, and I am here for it. Honestly, Caelynn will probably have better luck on Ship than with the psychos ABC chooses her, so who really won here?

Unpopular opinion: I love Alabama Hannah, and I’m so happy they chose her to be the next Bachelorette. I know I gave her a lot of sh*t at the beginning of Colton’s season, but she’s really grown on me. And I love, love, LOVE that she’s not in the least bit poised or put-together. She’s going to be a hot mess and I think her bumbling ass is going to make for great TV.

Hannah B as The Bachelorette telling the guys in the house to pack they’re bags because they’re going overseas pic.twitter.com/LFfXpIn7GE

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 13, 2019

CHRIS HARRISON: What’s your ideal man?
HANNAH: I just hope they can string words together.

Funny, that’s where my bar is set too.

Speaking of her men, ABC decides to bring out five men from Hannah’s season RIGHT NOW to woo her. My first impression of Hannah’s guys goes as such:

• I will be slipping in to Luke’s DMs approximately 1 glass of wine from now
• The one who brought champagne is doing the Lord’s work. Hannah’s face is like, “Thank god for the champagne, but I wish it was vodka.”
• Oh, this one is cute! Oh wait. Oh dear god NO. He’s rapping. Why is the white guy rapping? I take it back and burn my TV.
• I’m not convinced Luke #2 is not Nick Viall trying but failing to hide his identity with a heavy amount of plastic surgery.

Hannah says all the men were great and she wishes she could give out a rose and Chris is like “Well how convenient because we have one right here!” Chris, I know you just shamelessly promoted your acting stint on Single Parents, but my god, you need to work on your surprise coincidence face.

HANNAH: You were all so great!
ALSO HANNAH:

She gives the rose to Mr. Malibu Most Wanted and it’s going to make for a fun season if she’s out here picking the guys that actually show a personality instead of the ones showing off their new jaws they just got perfectly contoured at the filler clinic.

And that’s a wrap for the season, betches! If you need me, I’ll just be here trying to bleach my brain from ever having seen Colton’s shiny, sobbing face. See you hoes in May for The Bachelorette!

Images: Giphy (6); ABC (2)

I never thought I’d say this, but like the Boys II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye” to The Bachelor Season 23. Yes, a season where we allowed a 26-year-old man to put us under Citizens Arrest for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. Men and women canceled their new years resolutions in exchange for arguments with their TV and beating boxed wine to its expiration date. But hey, all good things must come to an end, right? Let’s hope one of them is this virginity talk. Let’s see how the two-night finale, that could’ve been an email, shook out.

Chris Harrison (dressed like a hearse driver) decides to rip the scab off that had began to heal by starting Monday’s finale with a recap of the season. Why put us through this pain AGAIN? You’ve already done it to us every Monday of 2019. For those that didn’t see every Monday episode, you still have more brain cells than the rest of us, and your IQ isn’t a single digit. But here’s a snippet of what you missed: Boy starts out with 30 women to date him, all but six Irish exit. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

We pick back up with Colton post-fence jump storming down the street because Domino’s Portugal is about to close in 5 minutes. (I understand his rage, because with no phone, you can’t call Postmates). After the producers find Colton via his Life Alert necklace, he screams at them: “I’m done. Done with the whole thing!” The response would make you think someone just asked him, “Are you finished with your vegetables?,” but no, Colton was referring to his time as The Bachelor. One of the producers gives him a big hug, consoles him, and whispers: “We got a show to produce, we already prepaid these dates, so you better love somebody.” After finding out that if he cancels the season, he’s financially responsible for the cost of the remaining dates, he changes his tune.

After a good night’s sleep on a twin extra long mattress, Colton decides to pay Tayshia a visit because she’s the only one with English channels on her TV. After he tells her that he’s only capable of loving one thing (which is a lie, I love Cinnabon and I love the color gray) she asks to speak to him without the cameras. This was probably the most upset I’ve been all season, because all seven-foot-twelve of Colton breaks out into tears, and we don’t get to see any of it. Just like that, Tayshia is now gone, and back to Orange County trying to get on a reboot of the MTV show The Hills.

Nighttime falls, and Colton goes to visit Hannah G. who has been locked in a hotel room since before indoor plumbing was a thing. She’s super excited to tell Colton “I love you,” when all he plans on telling her is, “Your gate # is E15 back to Alabama.” Colton tries to communicate that he really thinks that they could be great together, and even tells her at one point: “I thought it was gonna be you.” Well I’m pretty sure she was thinking the same thing when you had your tongue near her pancreas in Thailand, but hey, things change.

At this point of the finale, Hannah G. comes out to show the post-Bachelor glow-up, and lets Colton have it in the most eloquent way possible. She pretty much lets him know, “What Cassie did to you, you did to me.” You can tell that was a prepared statement because she had it written on her hand like the answers to a high school Spanish test. Bachelor alums Ben Higgins, Blake, Garrett, and Jason come out to discuss what’s going on right now, but I really think they’re only there because Colton owes them money and keeps rejecting their Venmo requests. PAY UP, COLTON.

One thing to not be forgotten is that in this way-too-long-finale, Cassie says, “Colton wants a wife and family, and I’m not ready for that.” I’m pretty sure that’s the FIRST question on the Bachelor/Bachelorette application that we fill out.

Question 1: Are you ready to be married? If yes, proceed to question 2. If no, what the hell are you doing here?

Cassie: “Colton wants a life and a family, and I’m not ready for that.”

Umm Cassie…what show did you think you were going on, The Price is Right???#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 12, 2019

In another attempt to live life with fewer brain cells, we subject ourselves to another two hours that could’ve been a voicemail on Tuesday. Colton realizes that he missed his flight home, and since the next flight to the Americas isn’t for another 48 hours, he might as well go to Home Depot, get some kneepads, and beg for his girl back. Colton shows up at Cassie’s hotel unannounced, with no gifts, no flowers, no nothing. This shows the lack of commitment here, because my 30 years of experience with women on this earth tells me if you at LEAST show up with hummus, they’ll at bare minimum listen to you.

After being forced out of her room by production, Colton tells Cassie that he sent Tayshia and Hannah home, to which she laughs in his face, and says how weird/crazy he is. Let’s set the record straight. Colton may be one thing, but he’s not weird! Definitely is crazy though, because I’ve seen him go several minutes without blinking, and that in itself should be enough for him to have to wear one of those jackets that make you hug yourself.  Colton continues to beg like a toddler at bedtime, and Cassie decides to meet his family in Spain get another free first class trip.

Cassie meets the family, and I can already tell that Momma Colton wants to beat Cassie’s ass for showing up empty-handed. Colton and his mother talk and she expresses her concerns, and Colton wants to hear none of it because, like finding Michelle Obama’s book at the library, there are no options left. Colton’s dad probably calls it how it is the most, telling Colton, “I just think you want what you can’t have.” I think this is probably true, and makes sense why I want Meghan Markle so much because she hasn’t returned any of my calls.

After convincing her to not reject him on TV again, Colton and Cassie enjoy their final date in Portugal. They take a nice ride in a Jeep and rappel down a cliff to Yogi Bear & Boo Boo’s leftover picnic basket. The love that Colton has for this girl is evident because he does all of this in dress shoes, which makes me think that the $2 shoe rental I paid at rock climbing last week was complete BS. During the picnic, Cassie begins to have a little bit of a deeper convo, and tells Colton she’s scared of a relationship controlling your life. Again, I ask: “WHAT SHOW DID YOU SIGN UP FOR?” Thinking a relationship controls your life is as narrow-minded as thinking that the cartoon roadrunner is ever going to get caught. Not. Gonna Happen.

Cassie thinks being in a relationship is a risk. That’s not a risk.

A risk is doing the “running of the bulls” with a steak tied to your ass.#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 13, 2019

At the night portion of the final date, Cassie and Colton have the weirdest interaction possible. It’s just weird because he won’t stop smiling, and she can’t get this “WTF are you smiling at?” look off her face. After saying that she’s open to a Costco sized bag of relationship, Cassie and Colton head to the fantasy suite. Like a boy who’s excited to play Nintendo for the first time, Colton kicks everyone out the room so he can take off Cassie’s “wrapping.” By all indications, there was some ACTION that night. Cassie’s hair looked like she slept in the dryer on “Tumble.” At the after show, Colton wouldn’t confirm that he now knows what the inside of a condom wrapper looks like, but given the fact that he pranced to the hot seat, we can only guess that he did the deed.

The end of the show reveals that Hannah B. will be our new Bachelorette, which also means the amount of teeth you’re going to see on your screen in the coming months will drastically increase.

This has been a tiring, and tumultuous season, and I never thought I’d wish someone got laid more than me.

Images: Giphy (3); diggymoreland / Twitter (2)

Presented by

Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! After suffering through 10 long weeks of Colton’s season, the end is practically in sight. And by “practically in sight” I mean we will be held hostage for another FOUR HOURS, during which I’m sure ABC will air approximately 12 minutes of new content. Fun!!

Now, when last we left off, Colton had fled The Bachelor property and taken to the streets of Portugal, where Chris Harrison was trying to lure him out from behind a bush with some leftover bacon. (I paraphrase.) This temporary loss of sanity was caused by Cassie, who had decided earlier in the evening that she couldn’t fake it with Colton for one more second (I deeply resonate with this sentiment). She dumped him mere minutes after he finished getting their fantasy suite ready by lighting every candle from Bath & Body Works “sensual” collection, and strategically hiding an entire box worth of condoms in every nook and cranny of that room. The last we see of Colton is this:

Damn, that never gets old.

Chris starts things off this week by declaring that the last episode featured the “jump heard round the world.” Lol. Okay, Chris. Laying it on a little thick here, aren’t we? We then jump into a montage of the “drama” from this season because I guess ABC is really only going to show seven minutes of new footage for every 45 we sit through of Chris saying things like “lost in the dark Portuguese countryside.”

We are now 8 minutes in and, after only two commercial breaks, we finally get to see some new stuff from this season. Blessings. Omg YOU GUYS they are calling for Colton like he is a goddamn dog. I can’t. They’re like “Colton! Come back! Heel!” Hey! If ruining people’s lives as a producer on a reality TV show doesn’t work out for them, at least they could all go in on a doggie daycare center.

I love that Chris is just hanging back at the fantasy suites while production is out scouring the streets of Portugal. He did his obligatory five minutes of searching, and now he wants to get back to his cucumber massage, and is content to just wait for Colton to call.

Cut to production who are like “should we check that bush again??” SHOULD WE CHECK THAT BUSH. I’m squealing so much in my apartment that my dog just got up to move to a different room. You guys, you can’t write this sh*t!! (But if Mike Fleiss did, then he deserves a goddamn Emmy.)

Production continues to check every large bush they encounter, all the while acting like this is Bird Box, and they’re risking their lives to find him. Just because the camera pans to a stray patch of weeds doesn’t make me believe you’re navigating through the dark underbelly of Portugal, ABC!

Production finally spots a lone, dark figure walking in an abandoned alley, and it’s Colton!! I don’t know why they seem so shocked to find him walking the exact path that leads off the property. It’s wild.

Oh, looks like they’ve dragged Chris Harrison away from his glass of Merlot once again, because suddenly he’s jumping out of a moving van and rushing after Colton. You guys, I’m dying. Chris is running after Colton, and he’s so out of breath from jogging the five steps from the van to Colton’s side that I can barely understand what he’s saying.

CHRIS HARRISON: What part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?

CHRIS ARE YOU SERIOUS. The kid just got emotionally castrated on national f*cking television. What part of tonight wouldn’t make him want to take his chances on the streets of a foreign country?

Also, you know Chris is counting this as overtime. He’s calculating time and a half in his head right now every time Colton’s chin wobbles.

COLTON: Whatever, this makes me stronger.
ALSO COLTON:

Also, I love that Colton’s virginity is STILL the priority after that all of this has gone down. We cut back to the present where Chris is like “that was hard to see, but do we think he’ll still lose his virginity?” Well those tears certainly won’t help with that endeavor, Chris! Maybe show another shot of him showering, because airing this sh*t is doing nothing for our libidos.

Back in Portugal, it’s the morning after the fence jump, and Chris shows up at Colton’s door. Chris is like “I’ve never seen anything like that, mostly because the iron-clad contract contestants sign make sure that doesn’t happen…”

Chris is still trying to salvage the season and Colton is not having it. I love that he’s like “You could just try sleeping with Hannah G and see if that makes you feel better?” So subtle, Chris. So. Subtle.

I will say, Chris Harrison is saying everything that I’ve mumbled to my television screen as I’ve watched this entire season. He asks Colton if it’s every crossed his pea-sized mind that maybe Cassie isn’t into him and Colton is like “BUT I LOVE HER.” Yes, well these are literally things I scream at any dog who passes me by, but it doesn’t mean sh*t.

Tayshia’s One-On-One Dumping

Colton shows up at Tayshia’s hotel, and I think we all know what’s going to happen here. He declared very ominously five minutes prior to this meeting “I know what I have to do,” and I don’t think it’s he’s gonna bang one out with Tayshia to get back at Cassie.

Omg. He looks so unhinged rn. If I were Tayshia I would not walk out of that hotel room with him. I would shut the door right in his shiny face. Colton proceeds to try and dump her, and it’s more painful than watching Cassie find the words for “my daddy told me to dump you.” Like, Colton, don’t claw your own eyes out like that!

Okay, Tayshia is taking this extremely well. Why isn’t she saying anything??

Tayshia asks if they can “talk” without all the cameras and of course those vultures still film every word despite the fact that they’re hiding out in a utility closet together. All of a sudden, we just hear uncontrolled sobbing from the other side of the door and LOL IS THAT COLTON?! Well, if Tayshia was having any second thoughts about the breakup, I’m sure the sound of her ex wailing is certainly helping with that.

OH GOD. Are they seriously going to do her After The Final Rose right now?? In the middle of the goddamn episode?

ABC: I know! Let’s make the finale two nights and intersperse After The Final Rose with it. It’ll be a fun way to finish the season!!
ME:

Chris Harrison brings out Tayshia and she looks amazing. I’m really loving the highlights. She looks better than Colton anyways, who decided that to face off with his ex he’d show up looking like a young Taylor Lautner in Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

It’s uncanny.

I love how Tayshia keeps trying to make it sound like they had such a deep connection. She’s like “we had a lot of FIRSTS together, we did so many things together for the FIRST time.” Yeah, just because you pushed him out of an airplane before anyone else had the chance doesn’t mean he actually loved you! Honestly, Tayshia definitely dodged a bullet, and she’ll probably have better luck on Ship anyway.

Hannah G’s One On One Dumping

Next on the chopping block is Hannah G. Colton heads to her hotel room, where production has just unplugged Hannah G from the wall and taken her off hibernation mode. Oh god, y’all. Hannah G is sitting in her room writing in her diary about how much she loves Colton, and little does she know he’s about to tell her that he doesn’t even want to go on another date, let alone sleep with her!

HANNAH G: I didn’t expect this.
COLTON: I didn’t expect this either because I wasn’t aware that girls could just dump me on my own goddamn season, but here we are.

Okay, WHY is he telling her that she reminds him of home and that he thought it would be her in the end? That’s so messed up. He’s saying anything he can think of so she won’t blame him, and I’m disgusted.

I love that she’s not letting him off the hook and that she’s calling him out rn. YASSSS. DRAG HIS ASS, BITCH. Colton has the AUDACITY to act annoyed that she’s upset by all of this. He’s like “I know this sucks but what about me??”

Back in real time, Hannah G looks like she’s actively trying not to commit a homicide on live television. I will say, she looks amazing. While Tayshia showed up to After The Final Rose dressed in the night one “I’m the new Bachelorette” dress, Hannah G went with the classic revenge dress. Yes, honeyyyy. 

View this post on Instagram

Hannah Godwin wearing NBD on The Bachelor #thebachelor #bachelorfinale Shopping info on www.starstyle.com

A post shared by Star Style (@starstylecom) on Mar 11, 2019 at 7:01pm PDT

Okay, she looks piiiiissed and I’m so here for it. It’s the most emotion I’ve seen in her vacant doll eyes all season,, and I’m THRILLED it’s murderous rage.

CHRIS: Do you have any questions for Colton?
HANNAH:

Honestly, she’s not wrong to call him out on his sh*t. He’s giving her the blanket breakup statement that he just gave Tayshia as if she wasn’t backstage listening to him give it.

Lol. I love how Hannah is like “I’m completely over him,” and then demands to know if he ever thinks about “What if?” Sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is trying to throw lighter fluid on the bonfire that is their relationship. He’s like “Did you ever think about having that last one-on-one with Hannah G?” CHRIS. This girl is already seconds away from clawing out Colton’s eyes! Maybe you should try and diffuse the situation just this once?

30 Minutes Of ABC Wasting My Time:

Chris Harrison comes back from the commercial break and declares that this is the “first time in Bachelor history where there are no women left on this show.” Chris, you petty bitch.

The last 30 minutes of the episode is ABC’s fun social experiment to see how far they can push an audience without inciting a full-blown riot. They bring out rejects from past seasons to kill time, and also to show Colton that even if things don’t work out for him on the love front, ABC will bring him back year after year and make him keep reliving it. So sweet of them.

Omg. These people are RUTHLESS with Colton and his new hair. Like, he just had to get publicly dragged by his exes, and now you’re going to come for his haircut too? Low blow, boys. Also, Ben, you’re feeling far too cocky for someone who had to slide into some rando’s DMs in order to get a date…

ABC takes pity on us eight minutes from the end of the episode and decides to show us some new footage. It’s the least ABC could do for us, really. We cut back to Colton’s last days in Portugal. He’s looking very solemn about the fact that we’ve made it to the end of this and he still has a hymen. Sad!

Colton tells the cameras that he’s not leaving here without Cassie, while the camera pans to Cassie packing her bags as if she does not have a care in the f*cking world.

COLTON: I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I love Cassie that much.
CASSIE: I can’t wait for my family to see all my cute vacation pics!!

Annnd that’s where the episode ends. Seriously. They aren’t going to show us if Cassie even opens the door for Colton because they’re holding that footage hostage until tomorrow f*cking night. Bravo, ABC. Bravo. Chris Harrison even has the audacity to say we shouldn’t shoot him, he’s just the messenger. Like, I will kill you, Chris. Don’t tempt me with a good time.

And on that note, I’m out, betches! See you tomorrow where we’ll find out if, after all of this, Colton is somehow able to reclaim his dignity. Spoiler alert: he won’t.

Images: ABC (2); Giphy (6); @starstylecom /Instagram

Welcome back to part two of my own personal hell: The Bachelor season finale. Lol I bet you thought we were done with this shit. NOPE. Thanks to our friends at ABC we’re required to sit through a casual TWO MORE HOURS of this fresh hell known as Arie’s Choice. After watching Becca cry for a solid 45 minutes  last night I think it’s safe to say that I’d rather peel my skin off with a rusty spoon than listen to Arie explain why he decided to dump her for Lauren B on national television, but by all means, ABC, continue wasting my fucking time. You may proceed with After The Final Rose.

Chris Harrison opens up the episode by asking everyone how they slept last night after watching a woman’s heart be torn apart for our viewing pleasure. And honestly Chris, I’ve never slept better knowing that I’ll never come into contact with a greying man who has fabulous hand gestures.  

Becca is literally falling apart on the floor. Meanwhile, Arie rides off into the sunset barely containing his utter glee at not being shackled to her for the rest of his life.  

Awww. Well isn’t this a touching fucking moment? Arie’s listening to Jason give him advice on how best to fuck over a woman. So sweet.

Okay, does Becca realize she can tell those cameras to go fuck off now? Like, why is she letting them come into her house and watch her have an emotional break down?  I mean, unless she’s getting paid to look at old pictures of her ex and cry into her single, empty house, then by all means cash in on your humiliation.

Suspicious AF

WAIT. Why did Lauren just leap into Arie’s arms like that? How many nudes messages did these two exchange since Peru?? This is soooo fucking shady.

ARIE: I’m willing to make it up to Lauren not just today but every day at least a few days longer than with Becca.

So let me get this straight. The two of them reconciled things on New Years Eve aka the standard day for fuckboys to slide into your DMs and ruin your year one last time? Fitting.

Lauren’s like, “Was there ever a point where you felt more of a connection with Becca” and it’s like, you did hear that he actually proposed to her right?

I would love to be a fly on the wall during this off-screen “conversation” they had because this was way too easy for Lauren to just take him back.

Chris brings Baby Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Caroline, and Kendall up on stage and poses the question of if they think it was wrong for ABC to air that breakup footage, which is a little like putting a metaphorical gun to the heads of their future Bachelor spin-off careers but, yes, I’m sure they’ll answer open and honestly here.

Lol Kendall just said she actually liked watching Becca be emotionally eviscerated on national television. But then again she also likes to play with the skins of dead animals, so we can’t always trust that girl’s judgement.

They bring Becca out and she gets a standing fucking ovation even though she’s dressed like she’s headed to my grandma’s disco party back in 1974. She’s definitely only wearing this number because it’s slutty and it’s a strategy that I applaud.

CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think it was wrong for us to air that footage?

BECCA: I want to be the next Bachelorette so… no?

Seriously, Chris, did you expect her to say anything else? I wouldn’t be surprised if ABC is using her very cute Corgi as collateral by holding him hostage until Becca admits that it was okay for ABC to exploit her misery for better ratings. Becca blink once if little Max Kupjoooce is safe, twice if you need me to call the governor of Minnesota.

Also, can we talk about the fact that people are sending Becca money on Venmo because her ex-boyfriend is trash? Like if I had known all it took to get free money was to be publicly humiliated on TV, I would have done it years ago. 

I love that she wants to donate the money though. I mean, I’m sure she’s only saying that because she wants to be the next Bachelorette but I’m still here for it. And ABC shadily being like “well we’ll match whatever you donate.”

Damn. They must really be getting some threats on social media to resort to charity donations. I know that goes against literally everything Mike Fleiss stands for.

OMFG they’re bringing Arie out. THIS. IS. NOT. A. DRILL. Do we think the collective boos coming from the audience would be powerful enough to blow his sorry ass back to Peru? 

BECCA: How did you know you didn’t want to be with me anymore?

ARIE: Well, once I had another girl already lined up. Obviously.

Honestly, there’s not much to say about this Becca/Arie confrontation. Arie is a selfish piece of shit who only looks even the tiniest bit remorseful because he doesn’t want a horde of irate 25-year-olds hopped up on rosé and baggage from their past relationships to key his car in the middle of the night.

Arie, I’ll see you at midnight.

Lol Chris just goes, “And what do you wish for Arie, Becca?” Um that he dies in a horrible, fiery car crash. Obviously.

I have nothing to say about this Jason and Molly interview except if Jason thinks Arie’s about to move out to LA and give up all of his Instagram endorsements to “work on his relationship” then he’s lost his damn mind. How will he make a living without selling laxative tea?? ‘Cause we certainly know it won’t be through real estate anymore. Especially after this shit show.

It’s time to bring out Lauren and I for one can’t wait to see her new switch board modifications. I’ve heard they’re state-of-the-art. Now that she has to pose as a real-live girl for the rest of her life however long she manages to hold Arie’s attention she’ll need to actually show at least a sliver of human emotion to the public.

CHRIS HARRISON: I can’t imagine what’s going through your mind right now.

LAUREN: Neither can I!

ME: I see there’s still a few kinks in the programming…

Also, wtf is Lauren wearing? What is with these girls and lace this season? I mean, clearly she’s trying to distance herself as much as possible from the word “home wrecker” with this number, but still.

Watching Arie and Lauren play footsie in the hot seat is honestly the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in the last five hours I’ve been watching this godforsaken finale. His HANDS are everywhere!

Wait. WAIT. IS HE GOING TO FUCKING PROPOSE TO HER?? While Becca’s stands off camera crying into her former ENGAGED hands?? This is the most insensitive, fucked up thing I’ve ever seen. Like, your ex-girlfriend is still on the premises!

My heart ❤️

A post shared by Arie Luyendyk ???? (@ariejr) on Mar 6, 2018 at 10:17pm PST

Also, does anyone else feel like this is less about romance and more about the fact that Arie just didn’t want to have to pay for his own ring?

Chris tells us that we’re finally going to find out who the new Bachelorette is and it’s like, fucking finally. I’ve only spent a small eternity watching this damn show. And the new Bachelorette is…. Becca! I, mean, I’m pretty sure the public blackmailed ABC into making that decision, but whatever I’ll take it.

Okay, watching all of these girls clamour to touch one inch of Becca’s skin to prolong their fame is excruciating to watch. Tia, stop pretending like you didn’t think it was going to be you!

So much love???? • ???? @paulhebertphoto

A post shared by Tia B (@tiarachel91) on Mar 6, 2018 at 10:14pm PST

Ugh. Does Chris think he’s clever by starting the new season of The Bachelorette right this fucking second? First of all, you pulled this shit last season so don’t act like you just re-invented the After The Final Rose wheel. Second of all, Becca literally just confronted her ex-fiancé, watched said ex-fiancé watch propose to his new girlfriend five minutes later, and now you want her to start dating again? Are you a sociopath?? When a Hinge date ghosts me after four dates I need at least three weeks and a Law & Order SVU marathon to even want to see a guy breathe near me, much less date one again, so I can only image the emotional whiplash Becca must be feeling.

They bring out the first victim dude and he gets more speaking time than the entire cast of The Bachelor Winter Games. While he’s beautiful, I can’t understand a damn word he’s saying. If this is another Nick Viall lisp situation then we have nothing to look forward to people.

Okay, I actually don’t hate the banjo guy. I, mean, the song he’s playing and the jacket he’s wearing are making me want to take 12 Advil and drink until I can’t feel my feet, but his overall intention is cute so I’m here for it.

The fourth guy starts off strong by apologizing for his entire gender. Fine. you can stay.

Sidenote: I love that every single guy is starting off his little speech by telling Becca how brave she is for even leaving her house. Yes, because every girl likes to know that she’s special be treated like a trauma victim.

The last guy just made a dad pun and reminds me of the guy I dated in college who wore chubbys even in the winter so I automatically like him. But if he thinks Becca is getting up on that horse in a dress that has a slit up to her vagina he’s got another thing coming. Like, she’s already been humiliated enough times in the past 24 hours without having her vaginal lips displayed for the viewing audience back home.

And on that note, I’M FUCKING OUT OF HERE. It was a good season, in the sense that Arie has continued to fuel my rage against the opposite sex. Thanks for that, ABC. Anyways, see you betches at the Bachelorette mansion!

Images: Giphy (4); @ariejr /Instagram (1); @tiarachel91 /Instagram (1); ABC (2)

We’re all still reeling from last night’s shitshow of a Bachelor finale, and it’s going to take a while before I’m physically and emotionally ready to do anything productive. Today I’m coping with the trauma by spending hours on Twitter, trying to keep track of exactly what everyone else’s reactions were. We already broke down what Bekah M. had to say about Arie being a literal garbage human, but just like America, Bachelor nation is a land full of many diverse viewpoints, which means there are lots of white dudes with something to say.

Past Bachelors, this is the moment we will judge you for. We already had to suffer through Becca being dragged through the mud in front of a TV camera crew, so please be decent humans and don’t let us down. You already know this is far too much to ask from a group of 21 white men (and one Latino guy) who are best known for appearing on a reality show, but there’s nothing wrong with dreaming. Let’s take a look at which of the past Bachelors can still sit with us, and which ones can promptly fuck right off. And fuck Chris Harrison, I just need to say it before I forget.

How did this breakup end up on camera? Seems like a private conversation. We don’t belong in this conversation….but im still watching #TheBachelor

— Benjamin Higgins (@benhiggi) March 6, 2018

Good job Ben, these are exactly our thoughts. There shouldn’t have been cameras, but I’m not going to turn off my TV and miss out on all the drama. I relate, because I am completely hopeless when it comes to minding my own business. If you’re not trying to find out everything about everyone else’s lives, wtf are you doing with your time? Ben definitely wasn’t perfect in his time as the Bachelor, but he’s also not the worst.

But real talk does this mean @jason_mesnick and I are off the hook now?? #TheBachelor

— Benjamin Higgins (@benhiggi) March 6, 2018

Ben!! You were doing so well with that last tweet, but no honey. First of all, as a little refresher, Jason Mesnick was the infamous Bachelor who proposed to Melissa, then changed his mind, broke up with her ON LIVE FUCKING TV, and got back with Molly instead. (That relationship didn’t work out either, probably because Jason is trash.) No Jason, YOU ARE NEVER OFF THE HOOK!!!!!!! Seriously, Jason is at least as bad as Arie, and maybe worse because he did it on live TV. Ben isn’t nearly as major of an offender, but like, stop aligning yourself with this trash bag.

Waow… Feel bad for HIM, People STILL don’t understand that we SPEND only like 40 hours total with EACH of the final 3 contestants. ????????‍♂️ https://t.co/nThmqjb3pF

— Juan Pablo Galavis™ (@JuanPaGalavis) March 6, 2018

We always knew Juan Pablo was the human equivalent of gas station sushi, and he just keeps proving us right. Yeah, I understand that it’s like super tough that you have to date soooo many women who are all super into you, and it’s so shitty that you only get to pick one at the end, but you know what you’re signing up for. Juan Pablo was very vocal in his support of Arie, but offered zero support to Becca, because this is definitely all easier for her. Okay, yeah, great, I’m gonna go scream into a pillow. Adios Juan Pablo, you’re canceled.

This is like watching OJ’s white bronco in 1994. #thebachelor

— Ben Flajnik (@BenFlajnik) March 6, 2018

Ben Flajnik is one of the more irrelevant Bachelors in recent memory, but this OJ Simpson analogy is low-key perfect. This entire situation was a fucking mess, but my eyes were glued to the TV. Also, if you don’t get this reference, go watch American Crime Story. You’ll like it, it’s sweet.

I don’t like this one bit. Shouldn’t have filmed. #thebachelor

— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) March 6, 2018

Ah, Sean Lowe. One of the few Bachelor men who’s still with his winning pick, and also one of the few who isn’t just mostly trash. Sean is out here working hard to make the men of The Bachelor not look like a raging dumpster fire of testosterone, but it’s too big of a job for just one person to do. Still, it’s admirable. We see you, and we value you. Truly a voice of reason among a bunch of dudes with shitty opinions.

Make it stop. #thebachelor

— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) March 6, 2018

Yes. This. Make it stop, please. I need to stop thinking about this fucking breakup scene, because I’m simultaneously so angry and so obsessed. I will never forgive Arie, mostly for what he did to Becca, but also for turning me into a monster who can’t think about anything else. This has truly been a garbage season to top all previous garbage seasons, and I don’t know if I’ll ever watch again (jk see y’all this summer). Thank you Sean for the admirable tweeting, but fuck this show.

Well, fam, we’re back for one more damn week of this godforsaken show. That’s right, this week on The Bachelor finale (part one, because ABC hates me) it’s down to the final two women. Tbh this recap should really be called “True Life: I’m Being Held Hostage By Chris Harrison” because that’s what it feels like to have to sit through three hours of Arie agonizing over his decision to marry someone with the emotional wingspan of a kitchen appliance or Becca K. Riveting stuff. Anyway, shall we commence with this self inflicted torture episode?

Chris Harrison starts off the Bachelor finale by letting all of America know that not only is Arie boring AF, but he’s also a giant piece of shit. We have so much to look forward to, fam. Chris really isn’t making this three hour episode any easier a pill to swallow.

We’re back in Peru and as per usual, the mere sight of Arie makes me want to burn whole cities to the ground. Woosahhh.  

ARIE: When I pictured Cusco this is what I pictured.

ME: *pictures Cusco in mind’s eye*

ALSO ME: ….yeah same.

Arie starts off the episode by letting us all know where he stands with the remaining two women. And since ABC would like to stretch this episode out into next fucking year I’m sure this monologue will proceed for the next 45 minutes when it can really be summed up in two sentences or less:

ARIE: With Becca I just know that I only want her because some other dude proposed to her last episode love her.

ARIE: With Lauren there’s a little bit more of a risk because she’s dead inside.

With choices like these, where can he go wrong??

Lauren meets Arie’s parents and it is… alarming. Lauren’s just trying to pretend she’s a real girl and not like her and her doll hair were created in ABC’s studio hours before the season started. Meanwhile Arie is, like, engaging in foreplay with her fingers. Seriously, why is he rubbing them like that? Jesus. It’s gonna be a long night, people.

God, Lauren is so fucking boring. Every week I try to drink convince myself that this will be the week where she’ll grow a personality or at the very least a facial expression, but alas, it’s not looking like this will be that week. *sighs*

Next, it’s Becca’s turn to meet the family. She emphasizes that this is a BIG DEAL to meet Arie’s parents, which is why she showed up in my freshman year club dress. I had some good nights at penny draft night in that number, but I’m not sure how it will win over your boyfriend’s parents, Becs.

Man, Lauren really won over Arie’s mom with her sparkling personality the three monotone words she spoke, didn’t she? Like, why does Arie’s entire family keep bringing up Lauren to Becca?

BECCA: Yeah, so let me tell you how I feel about your son—

ARIE’S FAMILY: You’re very nice but we can we talk about Lauren now? She’s very pretty. We like them pretty. And weak. Very weak.

BECCA: Ah…

Andddd we’re back to Caroline talking shit about Arie. Chris is like, do you guys remember Caroline? The girl who made it three episodes but was bribed by production to confront Arie at the Women Tell All? Ringing any bells?

A REENACTMENT OF CAROLINE AT THE WOMEN TELL ALL:

Like, seriously, can we just get back to the episode? Please? I beg of you, Chris Harrison, put me out of my misery.

Back in Peru, Arie and Lauren go on their last date before he might emotionally eviscerate her on national television. Fucking finally. They’re hiking a seventh wonder of the world and Lauren looks about as enthused by it as she does clipping her toenails.

ARIE: She’s got a speckle in her eye—she’s amazing!

Yeah, but, like, what about her personality? Does she have a speckle in that?

Lauren’s like “Arie’s done all he possibly can to assure me that he loves me. Except for dumping his second girlfriend.” Yeah, whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey.

Okay, Lauren has to be the one going home right? Because that’s kind of how ABC is setting this up. I’m watching Arie and Lauren embrace and all I can think is “Arie is about to break you in two, sweetie.” *turns up volume*

Moving on to Becca and Arie’s date. Instead of taking her to a literal wonder of the world like he did his other girlfriend, Arie takes Becca to a shitty market. Yeah, I think it’s safe to say we all know which way he’s leaning emotionally. Also, again with the shopping, dude? This girl does have other interests, you know!

Becca’s like “I know I can really trust you, you know?” Meanwhile, Arie looks like he just shit himself. It’s like he just realized this show ends in a proposal or something. DUDE YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS TWICE YOU HAD TO KNOW.

I have a feeling Arie is only into Becca because literally two days ago another guy was willing to propose to her. He’s looking at her like he wants to love her because America won’t accept the human lump of cauliflower that is Lauren B.

Becca pulls a move straight out of How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days and makes Arie a sad handwritten book photo album of their entire 30 day relationship. She really does get him and his dream of living inside a Reese Witherspoon movie. Huh. Well, at least it’s something she can burn when he inevitably dumps her for a girl with the emotional capacity of a lima bean.

Well fam, with an hour and a half left to go we’ve made it to the rose ceremony. An. hour. and. a. half. left. I’m not crying, you’re crying I’m definitely crying. Here’s hoping the episode ends with Chris Harrison throwing Arie off that mountain. A girl can dream.

The loser first limo pulls up AND IT’S FUCKING LAUREN. And her dress is on fucking point. I thought fringe was done, but she’s making me believe again. Also, I literally cannot wait to see how badly Arie trips all over himself when he tries to dump her while she looks like a goddamn vision.

Jesus. Arie has a horrible poker face. Does he think his sobs are hiding anything?

ARIE: *sobs*

LAUREN: I’m extremely confused.

Truer words, Lauren. Truer words.

Damnnn Lauren just wished him the best and moved the fuck on. She’s not even really crying yet. I mean, granted, she wasn’t programmed to feel real human pain, but still. I’ve never respected her more.

Okay, Lauren is making all sorts of good points in this limo. HOW CAN YOU BE SURE, ARIE?? If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was fed those lines by production just in case she got back with Arie later…

Arie’s watching Becca come down the hill and it’s like he’s watching his damn funeral. Also, Becca, honey, wtf are you wearing? No dress—especially not THE dress you’ll get engaged to in—should be held together by pantyhose material. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism. 

ARIE: I choose you today, and I choose you until filming wraps up every day.

ME:

I’ve got a whole other hour to this episode that tells me otherwise, but by all means, Arie, continue playing Russian roulette with this girl’s feelings.

Cut to video footage of Becca and Arie walking off into the sunset with Chris Harrison Regina George-ing in the background: “that really did look like a happy ending, didn’t it?” Chris, you messy bitch. You’re living for this shit aren’t you?

Also, Chris Harrison really has that sorority-girl-evaluating-pledges face down this season, doesn’t he? Snaps for improvement, buddy!

We’re now treated to a montage of Becca and Arie’s charmed 12 hours together before Arie started sliding into Lauren’s DMs. I paraphrase. And they say reality TV presents a false reality.

AMERICA: *watches ABC shamelessly set up a girl’s heartbreak for optimum ratings*

CHRIS HARRISON: I know that was tough to watch. I can only imagine what you’re going through as you watch this at home.

Okay, Chris, this isn’t a fucking national tragedy. I’m watching this and also playing solitaire on my phone, so I’ll be fine.

***WARNING: You are about to see some triggering shit here. Like, worse than when Dean baked a cake for Danielle L in front of the Russian orphan Kristina. Brace yourselves. ***

So clearly the happy couple is back from Peru and living their lives as a newly engaged couple who lives 1,600 miles away from each other and only ever interact when their Instagram endorsement deals deem it necessary. I’m so happy for them!

Oh God Becca thinks this is a cute couples getaway and not Arie dumping her ass. Oh God she looks so happy. Oh God my anxiety is literally through the roof.

^^Actual footage of me watching this breakup rn

Arie shows up and immediately is like “can I get a take-backsies?” and this is so fucking painful watch.

Oh god she’s covering her face with THE ENGAGED HAND.

SHE JUST NOTICED THE RING AND TOOK IT OFF OH MY FUCKING GOD. Tbh she’s showing way more self-restraint than me because I would have shoved that ring down his fucking throat by now.

Arie is such a piece of shit. I can’t. He’s not even gonna follow her?

Okay, do we really have to listen to Becca cry for 6 minutes? We get the point, ABC. You’ve accurately painted the face of human devastation for us. Now can you please let the poor girl be??

Becca, LEAVE! Like, did they lock her in that house? Why can’t she leave? Is this a horror movie? ABC, I need answers!

Arie is, like, waiting around for Becca to forgive him so he doesn’t have to feel shitty about dumping his FIANCE for another fucking woman. Meanwhile, all of America starts sharpening their pitchforks in their living rooms.

Okay, she has asked him to just go 10 million times and he won’t leave. Becca is a living, breathing human being and you need to get the fuck out. Also, I low-key feel like scum for watching this? Anyone else?

WAIT SHE’S HERE. AT THE LIVE VIEWING. WITH DARK LUSCIOUS LOCKS. She looks fab but I can’t believe ABC would force her to watch that in front of a live studio audience. Man, she must really be gunning for that Bachelorette spot.

Chris is like “it’s great to have you back” and Becca is looking at him like she’s contractually obligated to be there. Of course this is where the episode ends. Chris really emphasizes how lucky we all are that ABC so graciously decided to give us two nights to watch a woman’s grief be paraded all over national television for better ratings. Seriously, ABC is the sweetest.

Images: Giphy (6); ABC (5)