In a plot twist that absolutely everyone saw coming, it’s officially the end of the road for Bachelorette couple Becca Kufrin and Garrett Yrigoyen. After weeks of speculation, a couple of emotional updates from Becca, and various sources “confirming” the breakup (and Becca seemingly un-confirming the news), Becca shared an update herself in Tuesday’s episode of the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast. In a solo segment at the end of the episode, Becca confirmed what everyone has basically known for a while now, saying “I don’t think it’s going to come as a shock to anyone, but Garrett and I have decided to end our engagement.”
She commented on the rumors and reports about her relationship status in the last couple months, saying that it’s not up to anyone but her and Garrett to comment on their relationship. She didn’t elaborate on the timeline of their split, but it’s clear that they didn’t just break up yesterday. Becca said in the last few months, she “spent a lot of time in Minnesota with family and friends,” in an effort to “gain clarity” about the best way to move forward.
Ultimately, she said, “After many conversations we came to this decision—it wasn’t something that we just arrived at one night. It wasn’t based solely off of one Instagram post, or somebody else’s opinions or comments. There’s much more to it, to any relationship, there’s a lot of layers. It’s not for me to divulge details.” Okay, so maybe Garrett’s pro-police Instagram post wasn’t the only thing that caused the breakup, but the fact that Becca is even mentioning the post suggests that it didn’t exactly help their situation.
Becca, who was fighting back tears for much of her message, didn’t express any negativity when talking about her time with Garrett. Instead, she said she’s “grateful” for the experience, and added, “We went on this crazy TV show over two years ago in hopes of finding love, and we were lucky enough that we did… we really, truly did.”
Becca and Garrett’s political differences were no secret. From the very beginning of Becca’s season, Garrett was tainted by a past of liking problematic posts on social media, and his comments earlier this summer confirmed that his views remain in solid “yikes” territory. You love who you love and all that, but hopefully the best is yet to come for Becca. Who knows what she and Garrett will do from here, but realistically we’ll probably only be paying attention to Becca. There are reports she’s been on the set of Clare/Tayshia’s season of The Bachelorette, so we may even get to see her on our TV screens this fall. Fingers crossed!
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Images: Roy Rochlin/Getty Images
It’s a sad day in Bachelor Nation, as Bachelor In Paradise alums Kendall Long and Joe Amabile announced their breakup. Excuse me for a moment while I go collect myself. On a scale of one to Bachelor-couples-we-actually-care-about, I’ve gotta say, this is up there. As a quick refresher, Joe appeared first on Becca’s season of The Bachelorette, where he got famous as Grocery Store Joe, despite being sent home on night one, because he was so cute and pure. Kendall made it to the final three of Arie’s season, but honestly, she probably dodged a bullet there. Just think, she could be married with a baby and flipping houses in Phoenix right now!
Kendall and Joe met on season 5 of Bachelor in Paradise, and they kind of seemed like they were meant to be from the beginning. Kendall got cold feet about how fast their relationship was moving, and Joe left Paradise, but they got back together shortly after when she visited him in Chicago. Kendall is from LA, and Joe moved there when he went on Dancing With The Stars in the fall of 2018. That feels like it was 200 years ago, but I also literally don’t know what day it is right now.
Things seemed to be going well, but Kendall and Joe surprised everyone by announcing their split on Wednesday. In a joint statement to Bachelor Nation, they gave us some insight on why they’re splitting: “We have decided mutually to go our separate ways. Joe has made the decision to move back to Chicago while Kendall will be remaining in her hometown of Los Angeles. Our family and friends have always been an extremely important element to who we are as people. We can’t imagine continuing our lives without them closer, especially when thinking of starting a family of our own one day. We both respect each others’ decision and still have a great deal of love for each other. We appreciate all the love and support everyone has given us throughout our relationship.”
So basically, Joe wants to be closer to home in Chicago, and Kendall isn’t down to leave LA. Tale as old as time. It’s a logistical issue that’s led to countless breakups, so it kind of makes sense, even though I am incredibly bummed. I hope that’s really what happened here, because I hate to think that anything messy could’ve happened with this couple. They were posting happy pictures with each other as recently as a few weeks ago, so I don’t think we’ll be getting any Jordan and Jenna level drama here, thank god.
Really, the biggest question here is whether Joe and/or Kendall will return to Bachelor in Paradise this summer, because I could see either of them thriving if they came back. Like, no pressure or anything, but I would love to get some more shirtless Grocery Store Joe footage on my TV. ABC producers, please take note. But while this breakup is definitely sad news, I would also like to make it expressly clear to Joe that my DMs are wiiiiiiide open. Just saying!
Images: Morgan Lieberman/Getty Images; keykendall88 / Instagram
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UPDATE: Aaaand just like that, it’s officially over. After a few days of rumors, Tayshia finally took to Instagram on Wednesday afternoon to confirm the news that she and John Paul Jones have decided to go their separate ways. Sad! Tayshia says in the post that she likes to keep her personal life private, which is pretty hilarious for someone who’s been in multiple reality TV relationships in the past year. Obviously, she realized this too, and it’s good to hear the news straight from the source.
She says that after a while, the fact that they live across the country was just too much to handle. Truly like, shocking that long distance isn’t easy, huh? Tayshia says sshe and JPJ are still “the best of friends,” which like, who knows if we actually believe that. But John Paul Jones did comment on the post with a heart emoji, so at least we know they haven’t blocked each other. So yeah, we’re saying farewell to this BiP couple, but it seems like things are on pretty good terms.
It’s been a cool two months since Bachelor in Paradise ended, but if you think we here at Betches have been sleeping on the statuses of these couples just because of a little thing like production ending, then you’d better think again. What else am I supposed to do with my time during regular business hours if not aggressively deep diving into these people’s private lives? Actual work? Nah, I don’t think so. Well, the Demi and Kristian breakup rumors aren’t the only couple updates we need to talk about. It’s recently come to my attention via a Reddit thread (a place where all hard-hitting journalism stories truly begin IMO) that BiP prom king and queen John Paul Jones and Tayshia Adams might be officially over (as if they were ever really together to begin with).
When the two hit it off in Mexico this summer, I just instinctively knew that it was entirely for ratings. I mean, Tayshia referred to John Paul Jones, a man I’m convinced was only a part of the Bachelor franchise because he lost a bet to his frat brothers and was blackmailed into going on the show, as an “old soul” and “very deep” after he butchered some Shakespeare lines on national television.
A deep thinker, indeed.
And while most of the reality TV-loving world has been shipping these two since Tayshia ran down the beach wailing “I’M SORRY JOHN”, I’ve had my doubts as to the legitimacy of their relationship for awhile now. Turns out, I was right to be skeptical, because apparently Tayshia was caught RED-HANDED out on a date with another man last week.
Reddit user Poopburb (not a great username I know, but a whistleblower nonetheless!) posted in a thread that their coworker’s neighbor spotted Tayshia out on what appeared to be a date that wasn’t with JPJ in Newport Beach on October 24th. The coworker’s neighbor said that Tayshia and the mystery man were “flirting and touching all night” and there’s even video evidence to back up the claim. If you watch the video, Tayshia is most certainly with someone who doesn’t have the hair of a long-lost Hanson brother but, like, she could also just be catching dinner with an old friend. Fans are saying the video is damning because Tayshia and her date are sitting on the same side of the booth, which apparently means they’re dating. Again, not really rock solid evidence of a break up with JPJ so much as rock solid evidence that Tayshia might be a sociopath, because only monsters sit on the same side of the booth as the other person they’re dining with, but fine Reddit.
This isn’t the first time it’s been speculated that JPJ and Tayshia’s relationship was all for publicity. Reality Steve tweeted that the couple had broken up way back in September, and were only keeping up appearances on social media for the fans and sponsorship deals. While fans were outraged at that accusation, Tayshia and JPJ haven’t exactly been flaunting their relationship, and by that I mean they’re about as active on each other’s socials as I am with the cousin my mother guilt-tripped me into following on Instagram (you know who you are, Sabrina!). In fact, they’ve almost been nonexistent from each other’s Instagrams, until October 7th, when Tayshia was briefly mentioned on JPJ’s IG feed while both were at a brunch with other Bachelor alums. Tbh to me, their lack of vom-inducing posts says more about their relationship status than this shaky 30-second video.
But all of this speculation on Tayshia and JPJ’s relationship has made me wonder about the other couples from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Are they still in love and dry humping on my Instagram feed? Pretending to date the other for spon-con purposes? Broken up and summoning a vengeance demon to plague the other with incurable acne and a mild case of crabs? I’ve done some digging and here’s what I’ve discovered:
Hannah G & Dylan: Definitely Still Together
Okay, was this even a real question? These two have been going strong ever since they got engaged in Paradise, and I know this because Dylan won’t shut the f*ck up about it on his Instagram. But, I mean, every happiness to you both!
Katie & Chris: It’s Complicated
Moving on to Katie and Chris. Their reunion on the BiP after show was hard to watch. Katie admitted that Chris is a piece of sh*t and Chris looked like he would just rather be excluded from this narrative. After the finale aired, it appeared the couple had made up and were giving their relationship another chance because ad revenue true love is real after all. That said, Chris has been suspiciously absent from Katie’s Instagram ever since the After the Final Rose episode aired, but she was also seen wearing her engagement ring at some sort of influencer retreat on October 11th. Chris also shocked us all when he posted a photo with her on IG a few days ago. So, like, maybe they are fine? Either that or they don’t want to give Neil Lane his ring back! I’ll let you be the judge!
Demi & Kristian: Probs Broken Up:
We already talked about this, so click here if you want all the details we have so far. Long story short, it’s not looking good. There’s plenty of evidence, but this shady comment that Kristian’s sister left on Demi’s photo is probably all you need to see.
NOT DESPERATE AT ALL. Y’all I’m dead. Deceased. The comment has since been deleted, but god bless the internet and rabid Bachelor fans for always doing the most when it comes to screen shotting the evidence. Since this feels like a comment I have definitely left on my sister’s ex-boyfriend’s new “in a relationship” status on FB, I’m going to go ahead and say I’m pretty sure Demi and Kristian’s relationship status is deader than my last house plant.
So there you go! That’s the status on all the Bachelor in Paradise couples as far as I can tell from judging their social media posts. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my mother what spon-con is and why people would fake a relationship to get it. TTYL!
Images: Giphy (1); @chrisjbukowski /Instagram (1); @dylanbarbour /Instagram (1); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1)
UPDATE: Well, this isn’t a good week for the hopeless romantics in Bachelor Nation, because a second couple from this season of Paradise has officially called it quits. Yesterday, we got confirmation that Tayshia and John Paul Jones are over, and now Demi and Kristian have confirmed that they’ve put their relationship on hold. I may not be surprised, but I’m still sad that they couldn’t make it work.
Like a couple that’s been through an intensive round of PR training, Demi and Kristian announced their split with joint Instagram posts, featuring identical captions and tender photos of them together. This is an interesting comparison to Kristian’s sister’s messy AF comment on Demi’s previous Instagram. While I do love a good dramatic breakup, I’m happy that they seem to be on good terms, at least in public. Sadly, there are plenty of homophobic assholes out there who will be saying “I told you so” about this breakup, so at least Demi and Kristian are being classy about it.
Once the dust settles from the breakup news, ABC will be left with an important question: are they ready for a non-straight season of The Bachelorette? As a fan favorite who happens to be sexually fluid, there’s no denying that Demi would be an exciting choice, and a logical one at that. Personally, I’m not holding my breath for ABC to have a bisexual Bachelorette when they can’t even commit to a Bachelor that doesn’t look like a Ken doll, but it’s nice to imagine.
And just like that, we have plenty of drama to talk about in this Bachelor off-season. Yesterday, we unpacked some major spoilers for Peter’s upcoming season, but today we’re dealing with a fan-favorite couple from the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. All good things must come to an end, and sadly, it looks like Demi and Kristian may have broken up. Nothing has been confirmed yet, but there’s some social media evidence that we definitely need to discuss.
As you probably all recall, Demi went on this season of Paradise feeling deeply conflicted about her relationship at home with Kristian. Over the course of the season, she came out to her fellow castmates/the world, had her girlfriend come to Paradise, and ultimately got engaged at the end of the season. whirlwind really doesn’t even begin to describe it, and like any Bachelor engagement, it was never guaranteed to last.
The rumors first started to pick up steam this past weekend, when Demi and Kristian were seen out and about at different Halloween parties. Alone, that wouldn’t have been like, super damning evidence, but this week the social media posts have started to back things up. Yesterday, Demi posted this photo, and I have to say, she’s never looked better. This is literally the definition of a thirst trap, so much so that Demi literally hashtagged #thirsttrap in her caption.
Demi obviously looks great in the photo, and she got tons of supportive comments from her fellow Bachelor alums. Take, for example, this comment from Blake, who might actually be trying to…be nice to a woman? A weird concept for him, but I think that’s what’s happening for him here.
But there’s one comment on the photo that’s considerably less positive, and it did a lot to fuel the rumors that there’s trouble in ~paradise~ for Demi and Kristian. The comment comes from none other than Kristian’s sister, Caitlin:
Oof, I am cringing so hard right now. Aside from whatever personal drama is going on with these people right now, I personally don’t think it’s that desperate for Demi to post this photo. Like, there are millions of Instagram thots out there posting bikini pics regardless of their relationship, and Caitlin’s comment really just comes across as slut-shamey. In this situation, she’s obviously trying to be catty, but to comment this in such a public place isn’t a great look.
If this salty AF comment wasn’t strong enough evidence that things aren’t great between Demi and Kristian, Kristian also posted this cryptic, emo post on her story yesterday:
Okay, so even though this is frustratingly light on details, it’s clear that Kristian is going through some sh*t right now, and it’s only logical that Demi is involved.
If all of this stuff is real, and Demi and Kristian have broken up, I’m sad to see them go, but not necessarily surprised. I’ve always thought it’s insane how the Bachelor producers expect multiple couples to magically be ready to get engaged at the end of a few drunken weeks on the beach. And on top of that, we watched as Demi was coming to terms with her sexuality, just weeks (days? idk how this works) before getting engaged to the first woman she was ever in a relationship with. I’m not saying there was no chance it was going to work, but that’s not how a normal relationship works
Hopefully Demi and Kristian will speak out soon to clear things up, but for now it doesn’t look like things are going great.
Images: ABC; demi_not_lovato, kristianhaggerty / Instagram
It’s been a long, drawn-out year for Bachelor Nation, and I for one am relieved it’s over. I normally live and die for Bachelor in Paradise, but this season was a total bore. The only true drama was the beginning of the season, and it was mostly Blake crying about how victimized he feels after women are mad at him for f*cking everyone else. Yeah, no sh*t Blake, people don’t like that. Then Caelynn went to live in a van. Clay whined about Angela—after he dumped her. And then it ended. Amirite? I don’t feel sorry for you idiots. Somehow, in spite of being some of the dumbest people alive, some of the cast actually managed to find ~*true love*~. Or they can at least fake it long enough to keep the ring and get sell some FabFitFun boxes. It’s like a fairy tale! So, here are the couples that are still together after BiP ended. I wish them all the diarrhea tea sponsorship deals their hearts desire!
Hannah & Dylan
In spite of it coming out that Hannah had DMed pretty much every guy on the beach, Dylan remained stalker-y obsessed with her all season. TBH, I don’t know why you’d bother with someone that’s actually slept with everyone like Blake, when Dylan clearly likes you and only you. But thankfully, unlike some people, Hannah clearly has read He’s Just Not That Into You and went with the guy who actually liked her. Thank god. She and Dylan are totally compatible in the sense that they’re completely dull af and mostly like to lie next to each other while going, “No, I love YOU more!” So glad they can annoy each other with their complete lack of banter. Congrats on the engagement, guys!
Demi & Kristian
I love Demi, and maybe I’m selfish, but I wanted to see more drama from her. I love that ABC is finally acknowledging that gay people exist, and maybe this is hard-hitting conflict for people that live in the Midwest, but over here in LA, people are just gay and it’s not a gimmick or a point of interest. It’s normal. I wanted to be entertained, you know? But whatevs, I guess I’ll take watching a super cute love story unfold. Look, I’m cynical, okay?! Anyway, Demi and Kristian are still engaged, and I’m happy for them.
Katie & Chris
I honestly forgot these people were even on the show about halfway through. Chris is the worst. He’s been on these shows 100 times and he’s never been here for the right reasons. This somehow made him irresistible to Katie. I love when we see normal, beautiful, intelligent women on these shows, and you’re like, “What? How are you single?” and then you see their taste in men, and it’s like, “Oooooooh, I see the problem.” See also: Tayshia. Katie is too good for Chris. Somehow, they’re still engaged despite the “rocky” relationship and her roasting him on-camera about their relationship issues. They also posted real awkward Instagram posts about how difficult love is. Um? You guys have been together for five minutes, most of which was on an all-expenses-paid beach vacation. I assure you, you’ll eventually have like, real problems.
Tayshia & JPJ
If a grown-ass man throws multiple screaming tantrums on TV, what do you do? If you’re Tayshia, you think he’s husband material, apparently. In spite of all the red flags that JPJ is too immature for a relationship and a little unhinged, these crazy kids seem to have made it work because they’re back together, but they’re not yet engaged. I just can’t wait until they get into their first fight and JPJ thinks Tayshia is “insulting intelligence”. Yikes.
Dean & Caelynn
Dean and Caelynn are shockingly still together, after he dumped her on her birthday and then came back to sabotage a functional relationship to get her to come live with him in his van. Caelynn, you’re really bad at this. Staying with Connor should have been a no-brainer. Anyway. Dean and Caelynn have been traveling a bunch (how do they have money to travel? Neither of them seem to have jobs?). I also don’t buy that they really live in the van. I can promise you that Dean is squatting in Caelynn’s apartment rent-free and spends all day smoking weed on her couch. She’s probably like, “Dean, like, maybe you should shower today,” and he’s all, “What? Who wants an EASY relationship?” Dean, the answer is everyone. Let’s just hope they don’t have any Deanie Babies soon.
Connor & Whitney
After Caelynn brutally dumped Connor to go live in a van (oh no baby, what is you doing?), Connor was devastated. Like, he literally found out that his relationship was over while watching Dean eat Caelynn’s face in front of everyone. YIKES. However, not all was lost for Connor, because after he threw a little tantrum and left, BiP sent Whitney to rescue him. They mostly stood around going, “Yeah, like, and uh, yeah”, and Connor said it was great conversation. Seems about right. So Connor and Whitney hung out for few days in Mexico and apparently are still dating and NOT living in a van. Sorry, Caelynn, Connor definitely won the breakup. And now he has a date to the middle school dance!
UPDATE: There are new rumors that Connor and Whitney are no longer together. Sad! But if you look at their Instagrams right now, they’re both obviously in Tulum. Idk, you do the math. I won’t be heartbroken if they don’t stay together forever, but it seems unlikely that they’re just separately in the same place in Mexico in the middle of September.
Images: Instagram (@hannahg11, @kristianhaggerty, @katieemo, @tayshiaaa, @deanie_babies, @consaelaway); Giphy (3)
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Well friends, as if it wasn’t torture enough that last week was NOT the finale, ABC has decided to drag out 19 minutes of new footage into three hours tonight. THREE HOURS! As if I have not sacrificed enough for this show already! Free time, relationships, sanity, sleep, and giant chunks of my hair, all gone, in the name of “love.” I hope they know what I do for them. Shall we get on with it so we can finally find out which couple will get pretend married next season?
As a refresher, last week on Bachelor in Paradise, some couples waved goodbye to one another, some couples left in a van, and some couples met up in an air conditioned hotel room in a plot that was definitely not contrived by producers. We’re left with the motley crew of Dylan & Hannah, Katie & Chris, Nicole & Clay, and Demi & Kristian.
THE PROPOSALS
We start out on stage with Chris Harrison. He tells us that we’re finally going to see the end of these dramatic love stories. Is it too much to hope that they all end like Fatal Attraction?
We jump right back into Paradise with the fantasy suite dates. Katie starts her sex date by immediately saying “so what are we,” so she seems fun. Chris tells her tits that he is in love with them, and looking forward to spending the future and also this evening with them.
They agree to go to the fantasy suite and is this not a colossal waste of time? If they weren’t going to the fantasy suite, wouldn’t they have already gone home? This part could have been cut. I just got this episode down to 2 hours, 55 minutes.
Cut to Dylan and Hannah. They agree they want to spend forever with each other, or, rather, Dylan says he wants to spend forever together and Hannah agrees, at least until she launches her next Paradise-themed presets. How sweet.
Demi and Kristian love each other. Great, I’ve written that in every single recap this season. THIS IS NOT NEWS PEOPLE, CUT IT. 2 hours, 50 minutes.
Now we’re at Nicole and Clay. Nicole is so excited. Clay tells his lap that this is so real now. He tells his lap there are things he still needs to talk about. He tells his lap he still has reservations.
Clay opens the fantasy suite card AND TURNS IT DOWN. He wants to think on it. Nicole is pissed and kicks him out of the room. Hopefully Dean’s van is still idling outside, Clay!
Nicole looks sadly into the distance, as the resort sets off fireworks. Are they spelling out the words “he’s just not into you” or am I beginning to see things?
It’s the morning. Nicole wakes up alone and enraged, aka me everyday. She meets up with Chris Harrison back at the beach. She’s wearing a white dress. I don’t think you’re going to need one of those any time soon, sweetie.
They meet down on the engagement floor. Nicole confesses her feelings for Clay. He sweats. She asks him if he loves her. He sweats. He says he’s starting to fall in love with her, but he’s not ready to move in or anything serious, god no, but maybe they could carpool out of there together? Again, he sweats.
Nicole, about herself:
She leaves alone, but with her dignity. You go, girl! And at least you have that lifetime supply of Halo Top they gave you at The Women Tell All to binge on when you get home.
Clay pretends he is upset, but we all know he’s relieved, right? He wants to stop at the pub for a celebratory beer? I don’t think they call them pubs though, it’s f*cking Mexico, bro. Can’t you get anything right?
Chris and Katie wake up together. They’re doing a great job of pretending they’re happy together. They meet down on the engagement floor. All this wakeup time is unnecessary. Take this filler out of the episode and now I’ve made it 2 hours, 30 minutes.
Chris says he isn’t sure what he’s going to do, but he’s just going to go with his gut and how he feels in the moment. Exsqueeze me? He’s going to make a game time decision on A PROPOSAL?! I make a game time decision on whether to get an order of the mozzarella sticks or to get two orders of the mozzarella sticks, but I don’t really think it’s cool to do that on a decision that includes merging bank accounts. Where do they find these idiots?
Chris tells Katie he sees her in his forever, AND HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. So I guess he’s going with the proposal, then. Surely this is a mistake. I think your gut was actually saying mozzarella sticks, Chris.
We’ve made it to the Dylan and Hannah portion of the evening. He knows he is going to propose. They meet on the engagement floor.
Dylan starts off the convo by confessing his feelings – isn’t she supposed to start? Don’t you want to know how she feels before you get down on one knee and shove a haphazardly-chosen diamond ring that she’ll replace later in her face?
Oh wait, he’s letting her talk. Hannah tells him she is ready to make him her priority, but she’s also terrified because a fame hungry virgin hurt her feelings a few months ago. It seems to me like she is saying she doesn’t want to get proposed to. Dylan does it anyways, using her middle name in a desperate attempt to prove to me that he knows the bare minimum about this woman. I don’t believe it. She says yes. This is how divorces start, folks.
Oh, Hannah. That’s not a smile. That’s sheer terror manifesting itself on a face.
Now it’s Demi and Kristian’s turn. They meet on the engagement floor, blinding each other with the whiteness of their teeth. They confess their love for one another. Demi gets down on one knee and asks Kristian to marry her. She says yes! Now can we get a producer over here to help Demi get up? Those are some HIGH heels.
Kristian: You have to get a ring, too
Neil Lane:
Okay, we have finished hour one and now we have TWO MORE HOURS OF AFTER THE FINAL ROSE!! Why do these people deserve to find love, and I deserve to watch mind-numbing reality tv for an exorbitant amount of hours? Where did I go wrong?
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Chris Harrison introduces us to the Paradise cast, all of whom are now on stage ready to fight for their right to appear on another spinoff.
Oh good, they’re showing us clips from the season we literally just watched. This could be cut. We’re down to 2 hours, 15 minutes.
Chris Harrison wants to talk about Jordan, “Christian,” and their fight over the piñata. Jordan claims he acted in self-defense. Mike disputes the claim, and then Jordan acts like he would ever have the balls to fight Mike. Mike could literally give a sh*t.
Chris asks Hannah and Blake about the time he flew to Birmingham to see her before the taping. She says he went there to talk and explain his Stagecoach behavior. LOL Sydney’s not buying that he flew all the way to Birmingham to “talk.” Finally, Sydney! A little personality! You can sit with us.
Jordan then calls out the huge f*cking problem this show had all season, which is the fact that everyone knew each other before they came on, and it made for sh*tty TV. Cam concurs, and Onyeka immediately jumps down his throat saying he would have met the girls if he could have. Cam is the new piñata of Paradise.
I’d like to go back to that point for a minute, though. Despite my constant threats of homicide and arson, Bachelor in Paradise was my favorite Bachelor franchise show, and this season just sucked. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that they all came on to the show having already talked to each other, or already banged each other, and it was more about that drama than people meeting each other and getting together. If they’re going to keep this up, just send me screenshots of everyone’s DMs and save me 30 hours of my summer and all of my sanity, thanks.
Oh how cute, Connor tried to grow some facial hair! If he did it to appear more manly, I think it backfired because my grandma can grow a thicker mustache than that. But I’ll be sure to give you an A for effort on this semester’s report card, Connor!
Chris Harrison calls Blake to the hot seat. Blake went a little heavy on the bronzer for tonight—did he trust Kristina to teach him how to contour or something? Because this was clearly sabotage.
Blake tells Chris he was most surprised by the anger the women had toward him. GOD FORBID A WOMAN BE ANGRY. Should we all just smile and giggle when a man sleeps with us and then all our friends, Blake? Would that make you happy? Because we’re here to make you happy!
Chris: How did it feel when everyone started to really hate you??
Blake:
^^I’ll take any excuse to use that one again, sorry
Blake brings up the text messages that he released and I think for his safety he probably should have avoided this conversation, but this is not a smart man. Caelynn says she has never felt more violated in her life. Apparently Blake called Caelynn and told her he was going to release the texts, and she told him that she would get a lot of heat online if he did it, and he did it anyways.
Blake will literally not apologize. “No one would ever know she made mistakes if I hadn’t exposed her embarrassing drunk, horny text messages the way I did. Aren’t I noble?!” Eventually he manages to choke out an, “I’m sorry you felt that way” apology which everyone knows is the cop-out of apologies.
At this point, my brother texted me to tell me he thinks Blake “handled that well.” I thought he was joking, tried to have a good laugh, sent a Dr. Evil gif, the usual. He was not joking. MEN! They are literally unfit for society. I say we corral them up in a dungeon underground and only let them out to open jars or to fight in a pen for our entertainment purposes.
And with that, we are finally finished with Blake. If I ever hear the word “Stagecoach” again, I will personally sue ABC.
PARADISE ALUM UPDATES
Oh good, they’ve decided to waste my time with people that I can’t even be bothered to follow on Instagram.
Carly’s baby shrieking “no!” is my mood right now.
Jade tells us about having her baby in the closet. Because that was something I needed to see in my nightmares.
Chris and Krystal are also there, and something is up with his face. The freshly-shaved look does not work for him.
And The Bachelor gods are blessing us with a gender reveal! Because it wasn’t horrifying enough when someone you love nailed you in the face with a baseball that exploded into pink powder, now we must attend a gender reveal for a couple whose pepper-filled saliva has a Guinness World Record. Wells jumps out of a cake in a blue onesie! So I assume that means they’re having a boy, and not a fully-grown fame whore who continues to degrade himself in various ways so he can eventually pay off his fiancé’s ring?
This whole section was unnecessary filler, used to torture the audience only because waterboarding us would be illegal. They should have cut this whole thing. That gets us down to 1 hour, 55 minutes.
UPDATE ON THE COUPLES
Chris calls Tayshia up to the hot seat to talk about JPJ.
Tayshia says they had a whirlwind romance. She says she is the last one to casually throw around the idea of engagement or marriage but if my memory serves (and it does, my memory is freaking amazing—ask anyone who has ever wronged me), she was married before. So don’t you throw it around casually at least a little, T? At least that one expensive time?
Tayshia also tells us that after Paradise she regretted her decision, so she flew out to Maryland. JPJ’s face is twitching. Didn’t someone say in the comments one week that he majored in acting? (yes, I read the comments, yes, I cry about them too). That makes me sad because this man literally can not keep a straight face to save his life. Even my friend that believes all the girls on The Bachelor have real boobs texted me hours ago saying, “I think they’re back together because JPJ keeps making weird faces.” Can someone take this man’s degree back?
Of course they sent cameras to Maryland. She tells him, or more accurately, yells at his face, that she wants to explore things with him. Does it seem to anyone else like they don’t really talk to each other they just look at each other and scream nonsensical things? And now they are apparently boyfriend and girlfriend. Good for them. I hope they get all the Instagram sponsorships their hearts desire.
Chris B & Katie
Katie heads up to the hot seat. She is clearly in distress. She says that she and Chris have their ups and downs, and communication has been hard, and she is exhausted. Cool, but are you together or not?
She says they are still engaged (even though she is not wearing her ring). She also says something about how he is not filling her gas tank. Come to New Jersey, Katie! Someone else will do it for you!
“I fell in love with potential that may never come to fruition, but I’m just praying it does.” This is also something I say about my chocolate chip cookies right before I bake them, in hopes I won’t burn them yet again. Advice to Katie: they never turn out.
They bring Chris out, and he says they are taking it day by day. Katie repeats exactly what she just said to us, to Chris. I don’t need to hear those pathetic metaphors again, cut it and we’re down to 1 hour, 45 minutes.
Katie keeps saying that she is exhausted but how do you think I feel, Katie? Listening to you say that over and over again in our third hour of television, tonight? WHAT ABOUT MY EXHAUSTION?!
Chris Harrison: are you capable of being the man Katie needs?
Chris B: Yes
Audience:
They both decide they’re in this, and resolve to live unhappily ever after. Cute!
We also get a scene of Chris and Katie talking in the parking lot. They’re arguing over the same old sh*t. I think. At this point I was listening from the bathroom while washing my face. Take it out of here. We’re down to 1 hour, 39 minutes.
Hannah & Dylan
Hannah and Dylan approach the hot seat together. They say they are great, love each other, yada, yada, yada. There was no mention of the cropped sweatshirts, so I can only assume Hannah has managed to fend that off for now
Their only update is that Hannah is moving to California. They continue to be as boring on this after show as they were on Paradise.
Demi & Kristian
Demi tells us she just moved to LA to be closer to Kristian. Do all these people moving to California expect me to believe they moved there for love and not to advance their career in the short timeframe that reality TV stardom affords them?
Demi says it was hard coming out on TV, but it’s liberating. I’m happy that she was able to be who she is.
Kristian pulls Demi up from the couch to confess her feelings, and she proposes to Demi with a ring! Would it be an After The Final Rose if Neil Lane wasn’t profiting off of the already-crumbling relationships between virtual strangers?
Okay, where were Clay and Nicole? I would gladly have given up one of the times Katie compared herself to a tank of gas to hear Clay mumble to his lap about his commitment issues.
THE NEW BACHELOR
And it’s Pilot Peter! With a new haircut! It’s bad!
He is grateful and emotional about being chosen, and I am grateful and emotional we only have six more minutes of this left. I wish Peter the best on his season, may he find lots of love and lots of women willing to join the mile-high club.
The episode’s final run time: 3 hours. My final run time: 1 hour, 39 minutes. Call me, ABC!
And that’s all, folks! Now that this is over I will be putting the pieces of my life back together, and actively avoiding any Bachelor talk for the next four months. See you betches next year.
Images: ABC; Giphy (4); bachelorinparadise, wellsadams / Instagram
Honestly, every single Bachelor alum needs to chill out. This morning, I was in the middle of writing an article about how Mike Johnson is hanging out with Demi Lovato, when someone sent me a brand new story about how Nick Viall and Rachel Bilson might be a thing. It’s a tough time when I have to interrupt thinking about Bachelor Nation’s next power couple to think about Bachelor Nation’s next next power couple. Seriously, it’s too much.
Out of all the Bachelor guys who have been linked to more famous women, Nick might make the most sense. After his appearance on four different Bachelor shows, he’s one of the best-known people in the franchise, and he’s always had kind of a celeb energy. He even dated January Jones, way back when Tyler Cameron was just a twinkle in Gigi Hadid’s eye.
But in the year and a half since Nick and January split up, he’s mostly just been single. Enter: Rachel Bilson. In the past, she famously dated her The OC costar Adam Brody, and she was engaged to Hayden Christensen until approximately two years ago. Since then, she’s kept her personal life low-key, and we don’t really know anything about who she’s been seeing for the last couple of years.
Back in July, Rachel Bilson was a guest on Nick’s podcast The Viall Files, which wasn’t really suspicious. He often has pretty good guests, and their conversation didn’t suggest that they were dating. Rachel said that she was dating, but hadn’t met anyone that she would introduce to her daughter. She said that “It would have to be a very serious relationship,” and that it’s a major red flag for her if a guy doesn’t seem enthusiastic about her daughter.
Her podcast appearance itself didn’t raise a lot of questions, but Nick’s Instagram post about the episode definitely made me raise an eyebrow.
How dare he tease us with a caption about fantasy suites?! This is unacceptable! But while Nick’s caption was funny, Rachel’s comment on the post sent me into a full-blown stress spiral.
Oh. My. God. The thing is, this could purely be two friends joking around, or it could be public foreplay. The flirty comments worked for Mike and Demi! While this happened a couple months ago, these two have still been interacting on Instagram more recently. Nick comments on a lot of her photos, and he commented on her most recent pic this weekend.
Most of Nick’s comments 0n Rachel’s photos are like this. It’s the kind of thing a middle school boy would say to his crush, and then she’s not sure if he hates her or wants to be her boyfriend. Honestly, this checks out for Nick Viall, because I feel like he exudes the emotional maturity of a middle school boy.
While these comments aren’t enough to assume that they’re officially dating or anything, I could definitely see it happening. This stuff would be kind of typical if they were seeing each other, but wanted to keep it low-key. Because of her appearance on his podcast, they don’t have to keep it a secret that they know each other, and now we all have to keep guessing about whether something more is going on.
So yeah, Nick Viall and Rachel Bilson may or may not be dating, and at this point we just don’t know. At this point, I’m already on the look out for the next next next Bachelor/celeb pairing, because it’s only a matter of time. Will Blake date a country music star? Will someone date Scheana from Vanderpump Rules? It’s a new world, and these are just the rules now.
Images: Shutterstock; nickviall (2), rachelbilson / Instagram
ABC is announcing the cast of this season of Bachelor in Paradise today, but a whole new crew of psychos isn’t the only thing we have to look forward to this season. Over the weekend, Paradise alums Chris and Krystal got married in an intimate ceremony in Puerto Vallarta, the same place they met and fell in love. As was to be expected, there were some important members of BachelorNation in attendance, and here’s what we know.
Most importantly, the wedding was officiated by Chris Harrison, because of course. Honestly, Chris Harrison should have a full-time side hustle of officiating weddings, because I’m sure there are thousands of people (me included) who would shell out a lot of cash have him at their weddings. Pretty much all of these Bachelor couples are Chris’ little children, so it’s only fitting that he sends them off into the world as husband and wife.
Some of our Bachelor favs and least favs were also there, like Becca Kufrin, Ben Higgins, and Ashley and Jared. I’ll leave it to you to guess the least favs—it’s so tough!! I’m a little surprised that more of their castmates didn’t make the trip down to Paradise, but I guess a lot of them probably have PTSD from the last time they were there. Either that, or ABC wouldn’t pay for their flights to Mexico. FabFitFun partnerships can only pay for so much!
As a reminder, Chris and Krystal met just a year ago on Paradise, and they got together after going on dates with Tia and Kenny, respectively. Despite getting engaged just a few weeks after the start of their relationship, they seem to be doing great. I mean, they just got married, so I would hope so. They moved in together in the fall, and Chris recently told PEOPLE, “I’ve always dreamed of being a husband and a father, and I have the perfect partner by my side.”
As much as I love to be cynical about the entire concept of The Bachelor, that is really sweet, and I hope everything goes great for Chris and Krystal. They’re now the third married couple from Paradise, and they have pretty solid examples to follow with Jade and Tanner, and Carly and Evan. Raven and Adam, you’re next!
We’ll get to see more of Chris and Krystal’s wedding on the season premiere of Bachelor in Paradise on August 5th, but I’m really more excited to see how thirsty Ashley I. is for camera time. Some things never change! We’re still waiting to find out the entire cast of this season of Paradise, but at least we’ll start off on a good note with this wedding.
Images: coachkrystal_ (2), bachelorandwine / Instagram
