Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 36-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V.

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker got their first dangly earring. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (past seasons are in my highlights).

Clayton

Clayton Echard was chosen as the Bachelor before Michelle’s season even started, and nobody was happy. And by “nobody,” I mean “the internet.” The internet wasn’t happy because you’re only rewarded on the internet for extremes. So they have to go one way or the other. And which way were they going on the white guy who looks like he invented privilege? You guessed it, they hated him.

Personally, I’m excited to have Clayton as the Bachelor, because I watch this show for entertainment purposes, and you know what’s really entertaining? Watching a bunch of women fight over a guy. That sounds bad. I know. But I have a feeling you watch it for that reason too. And look at this line from Clayton’s bio:

“You can often find him there tubing out on the boat, fishing off the dock or getting competitive over some cornhole with his friends.”

That line is everything that would make a woman at a Toby Keith concert wet. And have you ever seen the women at a Toby Keith concert?!? They’re the type to say, “I just want a man who can sink a bean bag into my cornhole” and then wink at you, chug a Coors from their koozie, and turn to burp on a cop. Clayton’s musk could turn one of these put-together ladies into that Toby Keith cigarette woman, and I’m kind of excited for that.

Jesse Palmer

Jesse Palmer is our new host. Jesse looks like he trains young men working in finance how to mansplain. I’m happy to have Jesse. Kaitlyn and Tayshia were there to find their next job, and I felt Chris Harrison was too old to host the show five years ago. He went from wingman to dad who takes too much interest in your friend’s dating lives VERY quickly. Jesse is old enough to be a big brother type but young enough to look cool giving a high five (high fives made Chris look like he should be put into a nursing home). He was also the Bachelor way back in 2004, when most of these contestants were babies. Back when their parents would pray for them to one day compete with 29 other women to marry a middle-class guy from Missouri. I’m excited to watch Jesse react to the differences on the show now that a woman could be there for love or to legitimately start their own multimedia empire.

Cassidy

Cassidy is a 26-year-old executive assistant from Los Angeles who looks like the older sister from a CW high school drama. Her profile starts by saying she’s a “blunt woman who isn’t afraid to say how she feels or do what she wants.” which vaguely translates to, “I’m mean to service workers on a regular basis and I consistently tell people that they don’t get my sarcasm but enough mediocre dudes in fleece vests think I’m attractive to never realize this is an issue.”

Claire

Claire is a 28-year-old spray tanner from Virginia Beach who looks like she married a guy whose daughters are her age. Claire is a single mother whose bio says, “People who don’t wear deodorant make Claire angry.” Something about that makes me feel like Claire participates in many Facebook comments sections by stating, “AS A MOTHER…” and then she goes on some long-winded, racially driven rant about how “THESE PEOPLE” don’t wear deodorant.

Daria

Daria is a 24-year-old law student from New York who got admitted to seven Ivy League schools, is a graduate of Harvard, and is now in her third year of law school at Yale. Daria is kind of patient zero for the racial problems on this show. She’s on this show after being admitted to SEVEN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS!!! I think that’s all of them, but I’m too dumb to know and too lazy to find out. The white people cast on this show are like, “I spray tan.” And the casting people are like, “Right this way!” Daria should be running the network instead of competing against someone who’s been admitted into seven nightclubs in Montauk because their dad knows the owner.

Eliza

Eliza is a 25-year-old from Berlin who looks like a former Disney Channel star whose new pop song makes me look 1000 years old when I lip sync it. Eliza’s profile says that she “was a late bloomer when it came to dating and spent her adult years prioritizing work over love.” Can people under the age of 30 stop talking about themselves like they’re a 60-year-old CEO who never leaves the office?! Because there’s a 36-year-old out there who is on multiple apps who has made love a priority for almost a decade who just had someone they were having a nice conversation with ask for their Snapchat handle.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 32-year-old Real Estate Advisor from Colorado who looks like an ESPN sideline reporter your boyfriend follows a little too closely on Instagram. Her profile says she “has a taste for the finer things in life.” You can’t be over 30 and have a taste for the finer things and compete on this show. Elizabeth will have to be “on” and energetic while living with a roommate in a mansion full of women in their twenties and not a lot of bathrooms. And those women won’t be phased. They just spent a weekend in Vegas sharing a room with six friends while sleeping on a pile of clothes like a cat. The Bachelor will eat you up if you’ve ever stayed at a hotel with a turn-down service.

Ency

Ency is a 26-year-old sales manager from Burbank who loves the ocean. Her bio says, “nothing makes Ency happier than spending a day by the sea, splashing around and enjoying the sun.” This is actually helpful information. I’ve splashed enough women I’ve been involved with to know that there are “hair wet” women and “Don’t you fucking get my hair wet! I came into the ocean to gently squat while peeing and this joke isn’t funny at all” women. So, this might be a good addition to any dating app bio for anyone out there listening.

Gabby

Gabby is a 30-year-old ICU Nurse whose bio says it’s a “nonnegotiable” that her and her goldendoodle Leonardo are a package deal. Dog people are out of their minds. In what world is someone turning down the love of their life because of their dog? He’s like, “I’m sorry Gabby! But your furry friend who gives me love for no reason CANNOT STAY!!” And cue your friend who’s like, “Well my ex left because he couldn’t handle the dog” whose ex now probably has a dog with their fiancé.

Genevieve

Genevieve is a 26-year-old bartender from LA who looks like a Genevieve. Her bio says she “wants someone who won’t be afraid to admit that they are wrong or change their personality when they are “bro-ing out” with the guys.” That sounds like she’s talking specifically about the last guy she dated. Like, I bet that ex is reading that while wearing a lacrosse pinnie as a guy he calls “Doodie” tosses him a High Noon and they collectively agree, “She was always crazy.” And then they arm wrestle.

Hailey

Hailey is a 26-year-old pediatric nurse from Orlando who looks like she has a Bible verse in her Instagram bio. Hailey says that she’s Taylor Swift’s biggest fan. So I guess I’m right about her Instagram and we can assume we pretty much know everything about this person who definitely loves putting her hair in a French braid.

Hunter

Hunter is a 28-year-old human resources specialist who looks like she loves bringing up high school memories you’d rather forget. Hunter used to work at Disney World as a princess, and that has to be the worst job in the world. Imagine it’s YOUR JOB to play along with an adult who loves Disney. They’re like, “Cinderella!! Put them together and what have you got!?!?!” and you have to look at a woman in her 30s wearing mouse ears, who traveled to Orlando alone, and sing, “Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.” I’d walk directly into the teacups.

Ivana

Ivana is a 31-year-old Bar Mitzvah dancer from Queens. I’ve never been more embarrassed by a Bachelor contestant’s job. As a Jew who had dancers at his own Bar Mitzvah, there is nothing that makes me cringe more than having to explain the Bar Mitzvah dancers. Like, I’m sure someone reading this is thinking, “What’s a Bar Mitzvah dancer?!?!” Well, when a Jewish boy or girl becomes an adult, their parents throw them a party. Now, us Jews aren’t known for our “moves.” So to get the party going, some people hire men and women in their 20s to dance like they’re at the Knicks game. So now it’s older Jews dancing badly surrounding young hot people dancing seductively while 13-year-old boys and girls realize their dads look kind of creepy. It’s the part of the Torah I never understood. And if you had an issue with my people before reading my explanation, then this didn’t help.

Jane

Jane is a 33-year-old social media director from LA who says she’s “done dating F boys.” This is the declaration of someone who will definitely date more “F boys.” Like, a person who learns from the past will be like, “I need to make these changes to put myself in a better position to meet the right type of person for me.” The person who doesn’t learn screams “NO FUCKBOYS” as they respond with a blushing emoji to a fire emoji they received at 3am.

Jill

Jill is an architectural historian from Rhode Island. I would LOVE to hear an architectural historian talk about the Bachelor mansion 30 years from now: “On this ground stands the Bachelor mansion! Back in the early part of the century, truckloads of hair extensions and fake nails passed through these doors. 24-year-old men and women said they were ready for marriage even though they didn’t seem to have real jobs. And a record amount of semen got released here while both parties wore a cross.”

Kate

Kate is a 32-year-old real estate agent from Lake Hollywood, California whose bio says, “Kate’s moon/rising sign is Leo, which she says speaks for itself.” I’m not here to hate on people who enjoy astrology. I’m a fan of a show where you have to believe that someone can get engaged to someone whom they’ve never seen use their phone. We all have our fantasies. But Kate can say “it speaks for itself” because nobody has ever disagreed with someone’s self-description based on astrology. We all just kind of nod and wait for the conversation to be interesting. She could say “You know us Leos! We love farting and then smelling it and guessing which meal it came from.” And I wouldn’t ask more questions. I’d just nod and think, “Wow, Kate and I have a ton in common!”

Kira

Kira is a 32-year-old physician from Philly who is so good looking that if she were my doctor I’d lie about my weight and general health to try and get her to like me. Her bio says “taught herself to write hieroglyphics as a child.” That would be the scariest thing I can think of happening as a parent. Your kid is playing with crayons and they’re like “Daddy look!” And you’re like “Good job!! Ummm what is this?! Why are these good?! Have you been possessed?! Why do you know how to summon King Tutankhamun?! Please don’t murder me!! Let’s get ice cream! Whatever you want!”

Lindsay D

Lindsay D is a 27-year-old neonatal nurse from Jacksonville who won Miss Teen America at age 17. Having a former Miss Teen America as your nurse when you’re giving birth feels like a mean prank. Like, “Hey! I know you’re stressed and you don’t feel very beautiful today and the wall between your anus and vagina is about to break so meet your nurse Lindsay who is not only hot but is going to explain how we can fix global poverty.”

Also, I truly can’t imagine being told I’m the hottest teen in America and then trying ever again. I’d get to college and the teacher would be like, “Do you have the homework?” And I’d be like, “Hey baby girl, you know this face ain’t doing math.” Then I’d show my abs and walk out. I guess that’s the reason there aren’t male beauty pageants. I mean, look how we act on dating apps just because our moms said we looked handsome when we wore a suit.

Lyndsey W

Lyndsey W is a 28-year-old industrial sales representative from Houston who looks like a human embodiment of “Bless your heart.” Lyndsey’s bio says “she is much more of a Baby Spice than a Sporty Spice.” Nothing makes me happier than knowing there are still adults describing themselves in Spice Girls. Also, thank GOD I wasn’t in the Spice Girls. Someone had to go around the room and look at a person and be like “Oh you’re scary!” And then they just had to deal with it. I’d be sitting there like “What’s mine?!” And the manager would be like “Chubby Spice” and I’d be like “No, wait! What about..” and they’d be like “Nope! Sorry. We already made the posters!”

Mara

Mara is a 31-year-old entrepreneur from New Jersey who looks like she plays a lawyer in a CBS drama. Mara’s bio says that “snoring is a deal breaker.” I honestly don’t buy many dealbreakers I hear from people. They’ll be like “If you clap when the plane lands then I AM OUT,” and five years later they’re engaged to a guy who dresses for dates like he’s about to play golf and actively tells people he’s “not about that going down on women stuff.” Listen, if you’re going down on me, give a standing O when the plane lands! I’ll be right next to you clapping for a whole different reason 😉.

Marlena

Marlena is a 30-year-old from Virginia Beach who competed for Haiti during the 2012 summer Olympics. I’d love to date an Olympian. I don’t think they’d like dating me. Whenever they did something great I’d play their national anthem. I’d ask people we meet to guess which one is the Olympian and then start flexing. I’d make myself a medal for being the best climaxer and wear it after sex. Maybe I’ll make this my new dating app bio and never meet someone again.

Melina

Melina is a 27-year-old personal trainer from West Hollywood who created a shock absorbing workout shoe that she’ll definitely be wearing when she comes out of the limo. I’m ok with that! I’d rather someone come on the show with their honest to god invention than be like, “I’m looking for love for now and eternity!” And then a week after they’re booted they’re on Instagram stories pushing “For now and eternity” t-shirts that accompany their “For now and eternity” podcast that precedes the post saying, “Big news coming from the for now and eternity team! Stay tuned!”

Rachel

Rachel is a 25-year-old flight instructor from Clermont, Florida who says she could live off of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, which is actually important to know in a dating situation. You have to be a stomach match with your partner. Like, Rachel and I are not a match. She seems nice, but if I even smell a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto then I’ll be on the toilet for a week and I’ll be moaning like an orca from the pain my stomach is in. This should be on all dating apps. Just a pepper emoji followed by a whale emoji to signify your life could be ruined by a Cheeto.

Rianna

Rianna is a 26-year-old registered nurse from Dallas who looks like she gets hired to appear at parties as a Chrissy Teigen lookalike. Rianna’s profile says she’s looking for a man who “loves to travel and bonus points for a man who loves hiking as much as she does.” It is so much easier to find someone when you enjoy healthy activities. Like, “Let’s go on a hike” sounds so much better than, “Bonus points to anyone who doesn’t change their clothes for a week and can’t remember the last time they went outside!”

Salley

Salley is 26 and her job says, “Previously Engaged.” The bio goes on to say that she’s a spine surgery robot operator. How is that the order of how she’s described?! I’m sure having an engagement broken off is a horrible process, but does it become your scarlet A? “Previously Engaged” makes it sound like she walks around wearing a black hooded cloak and a candle and when you say hi to her she’s like, “I used to know love… I used to know about being registered at Bloomingdales… but all of that is lost.” I bet you her former fiancé is like, “Hey! I’m Rick! I work in finance. I’ve dated around but nothing has ever gotten too serious!” And Salley is out here introducing herself as “SALLEY PREVIOUSLY ENGAGED AND NOW UNLOVED AND BACK ON THE DATING APPS MAIDEN NAME.”

Samantha

Samantha is a 26-year-old occupational therapist from San Diego whose picture looks like you’d sign it on the way into her Bat Mitzvah. Samantha’s bio says she has gone skydiving 12 times. If you’re not a skydiving instructor then I have to wonder what’s wrong with you after the third time. First time? Sure. Something new. I get it. Second time? Maybe it’s a new group to enjoy it with. Third time? You’re feeling out a career change that involves skydiving. On number four? I’m asking you if everything is ok at home. Are you running from something? Is this what’s keeping you off of hard drugs? I hope Samantha finds happiness without jumping from a plane one day.

Sarah

Sarah is a 23-year-old wealth management advisor from NYC who loves taking trips to the spa, growing her nonprofit, and hosting dinner parties. This all means Sarah grew up rich. Show me a 23-year-old with the ability to host a dinner party at their NYC apartment and I’ll show you their parents who pay the rent. If I had a dinner party at my NYC apartment it would be three people huddled around the toilet with the seat down and two candles on it.

Serene

Serene is a 26-year-old elementary school teacher from Oklahoma City who says she “loves to spend time relaxing with close friends or planning her next big adventure.” If I’ve learned anything from the dating apps it’s that the least adventurous people use the word “Adventure.” They’ll be like “I’m planning my next adventure!” And you’ll be like “Oh really?” And they’ll be like “I’m staying at an Airbnb in Charlotte to visit my grandma.” And you’ll be mad at yourself for not realizing this when their profile still talked about study abroad even though they’re 30.

Shanae

Shanae is a 29-year-old recruiter from Sycamore, Ohio who “loves Christmas so much that she keeps her tree up all year round.” Nope. That’s not someone I’m dating. I love Christmas. It has its place. I’m not walking into the living room hungover in the dead of summer and getting pricked in the foot by some loose pine needles. Do the lights come off?! Does she water a tree?!? Is there an actual date where she’s with a guy and she stops everything to be like, “Oh my god! I forgot to water the tree!” And the guy is like “What tree?!” And she’s like “My Christmas tree!” And he’s like “Isn’t it June?!”

Sierra

Sierra is a 26-year-old recruiting coordinator from Dallas whose bio says, “please be clean because Sierra has no time for anyone with bad hygiene.” I think “bad hygiene” would be the most embarrassing reason for someone to leave the show. The phrase is scientific enough for us to believe it and vague enough for us to make our own assumptions. Like if Sierra got sent home and they did an exit interview and she said, “It would’ve never worked out. Clayton has some bad hygiene” then we’d all assume Clayton has dirty fingernails and we’d never be able to watch the show without thinking about it. In fact, I now need to see Clayton’s fingernails due to this hypothetical.

Susie

Susie is a 28-year-old wedding videographer from Virginia Beach who is a Jiu-Jitsu champion and also won Miss Virginia in 2020. That sentence is why the whole pageant world is insane. They not only have to be beautiful but they also have to become experts in some random hobby. Susie was like “I gotta stand out!” And then she opted for learning how to rip out someone’s jugular with her pinky. If I entered a pageant my special talent would be looking at Instagram, then Facebook, then TikTok, then email, then Twitter, then Instagram again while sitting in front of my laptop with Instagram opened on the browser.

Teddi

Teddi is a 24-year-old surgical unit nurse from Highland, California who looks like she calls everyone she’s ever met her best friend. Teddi’s bio says that she “grew up in a strict Christian household” but “she lives by her own rules” which is the scariest thing a strict Christian father can hear in their daughter’s Bachelor profile. But honestly, nobody is less rebellious than a person who grew up in a strict house and thinks they’re being rebellious. They’ll be like, “Let’s get wild” and you’ll be like, “YES!” And they’ll be like, “Let’s cuss and makeout!” And you’ll be like “Oh” as you re-buckle your belt.

Tessa

Tessa is a 26-year-old human resources specialist from Stamford, Connecticut who loves grand romantic gestures and has a fear of red fruits (I’m not making this up). I thought of how annoying that combo would be for a guy who is really trying to impress Tessa. Imagine he’s like, “Ok, I’ve got the reservations! I’ve got the flowers! I’ve got the hotel!!” And then they have this amazing night. They’re making out after dinner as they head to the suite. They open the door. They make their way to the bed. It’s then when they see the concierge left them complimentary champagne and… oh no… strawberries. Tessa starts freaking out. She’s like “You know I’m afraid of red fruits!! You never listen!! I let it go when you ordered the caprese salad because some people forget that a tomato is a fruit! BUT I NEVER FORGET WHEN THOSE RED FRUITS HAUNT MY DREAMS!!” Then Tessa leaves and this guy has to explain to his parents why they broke up.

Images: ABC/John Fleenor; ABC/Pamela Littky; ABC/Ricky Middlesworth (31)

Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 35-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love these shows so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are v proud. V. 

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows for half a decade. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore for the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Tayshia/Clare’s season is in my highlights). And if that’s not enough, I host a Bachelor post-game show called “The Rose Rehash” on my YouTube channel. Let’s have a fun season.

Matt James

Usually I would’ve already previewed Matt James, but this season is different. Matt has never been on the show. His biggest credit before getting to know him via interviews and social media was “friends with Tyler C.” That’s kind of crazy. Tyler C was so hot that we all just trusted he knew good people. If a less attractive man was like, “Hey, you should meet my friend!” We’d all be like, “What’s his Instagram handle?” And then spend hours scrolling back to when he was in high school to make a fully informed decision. That is not what’s happened with Matt. Everyone was pretty on board from minute one. We genuinely know nothing about the guy. I’ve been following him on Instagram and he seems fun and motivated and like he’ll have a lot of energy. But after a brief discussion with my penis, we don’t think this guy is ready to settle down. You don’t go from touring the country doing “boys trips” every other week to being like, “Ya, me and Stacy P are going to stay in this weekend and watch old Survivor seasons.” I think a lot of women are perpetually in a “ready to grow up” mode and a lot of men are just trying to do everything they can before they have to grow up. Matt seemed to be getting it all in, and I’m not sure he’s done yet. There was not one post on Matt’s social media that told me Matt was ready to give up a ski trip for his fiancée’s Paint and Sip night she thought “looked cute.” But I guess we’ll see. Let’s check out the women he’ll be calling “AHHHMAAAZING” after one conversation about their grandma.

Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager

Abigail is a 25-year-old Client Financial Manager from Beaverton, Oregon who says that her favorite way to approach a guy is by “accidentally bumping into them.” This is how you know you’re hot. If you can literally fling yourself at attractive people and have that end up with a date and not a rap sheet, then you’re hot. When I bump into people they ask if I’m playing the Rosie O’Donnell part in the remake of A League Of Their Own.

Alana, 26, Photographer

Alana is a 26-year-old photographer who calls moving to Europe instead of going to college “her greatest accomplishment.” She also says, “it took her on a journey of self-discovery and exploration that really shaped her into the independent woman she is today.” We absolutely CANNOT let Alana have a social media following. Did you read those quotes?!? A journey of self-discovery?! She’s already unbearable. She took a trip to Europe on her parents’ credit card and posted some black-and-white pictures on Instagram and now she’s a “photographer” who went on a “journey of self-discovery.” She’s right on the doorstep of changing her name to “Alania” and asking us how to say the word “cucumber” in English.

Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina

Alicia is a 24-year-old professional ballerina from NYC. I’m too cynical from years of reading millennial “job” titles like “entrepreneur” and “social media strategist” that are actually just people who know the right filter for their butt. I read “24-year-old professional ballerina” and I was like, “Ya, me too! I’m actually a 35-year-old professional Astronaut/Wizard.” But I was wrong. After reading Alicia’s bio, “professional ballerina” isn’t a job you can lie about. I’m actually her biggest fan. Look at her bio: When she was only 13, she began pursuing her career as a professional ballerina. Through years of dedication and commitment to her craft, she is now proudly living her dream, dancing for the prestigious Dance Theater of Harlem.

I honestly don’t know how Alicia is going to mentally survive in the house. Someone is going to be like, “Hi I’m Lauren P! I’m a professional social media entrepreneur who aspires to one day podcast about my mental journey from the hardships of an upper middle class lifestyle!! What’s your name?!” And Alicia will have to respond, “When I was 15 I had to stand on my big toe for an hour so I could go to lunch.” I’m cheering for you, Alicia. Godspeed!

Amber, 30, Nursing Student

Amber is a 30-year-old nursing student from Costa Mesa, California, and she is the most Amber-looking Amber to ever not be a porn star. Amber is a 30-year-old single mom to a 13-year-old son and her bio says she once had to run away from a mountain lion at Joshua Tree and mentions two different dreams (one is to take care of beluga whales). I’m sorry Amber, dreams and Joshua Tree end at 29. I’m 35 and my dream is to have a good bowel movement.

Anna, 24, Copywriter

Anna is a 24-year-old copywriter from Chicago who says she dreams of writing screenplays for Hallmark movies. Well, Anna has already gotten started by writing her own life as a Hallmark movie. Her bio literally says she’s “a small-town girl, living the big city life”, and “her parents nicknamed her Hollywood”, and how she spent Friday nights at the local bowling alley, and how she was the high school cheerleading captain who “was meant for something bigger.” I swear this is every woman who has ever moved to a major city. It doesn’t matter how truly regular of a life they’ve lived, they’ll find a way to make it sound Hallmark. You’ll be like, “Hey! Where you from?!” And they’ll be like, “Oh some small, single-traffic-light town where everyone knew me as ‘Honey’ because I was sweet as sugar!” And their name will be Lauren Greenstein from Scarsdale whose dad once said, “Hey Honey! Don’t forget to tell the other Lauren Greenstein that she left her Tulane sweatshirt here last night!”

Bri, 24, Communications Manager

Bri is a 24-year-old communications manager from San Francisco who was raised by her mother and grandmother. Her bio says they “made countless sacrifices to give her a fighting shot at having a successful life.” Then it goes on to say how Bri has always outworked everyone around her and some GaryVee crap about life being “earned not promised.” I would love to see Bri explain to her grandma and mom that she’s going on The Bachelor. Can you imagine the shock?! The questions?! You make “COUNTLESS SACRIFICES” and your daughter is like, “Hey guys, I’ve put my career on hold during a global pandemic to compete against seven Laurens for a guy who’s friends with a guy who came in third place on The Bachelorette. Thank you for working three jobs so that I could get violin lessons. Without those lessons, I wouldn’t have been able to play a classical version of ‘WAP’ for my limo entrance! Oh and grandma, ‘WAP’ stands for ‘wet ass pussy’ which will be EARNED AND NOT PROMISED when I’m on this show thanks to all of your life lessons and sacrifices!!!”

Carolyn, 30, Journalist

Carolyn is a 30- year-old journalist from LA who says her ultimate date is “something spontaneous that involves traveling” which just isn’t possible. Women love to say stuff like this because it sounds good, but you should all try spontaneously traveling with a woman. I DARE YOU! I keep imagining how mad my girlfriend would be if I was like, “We’re going to the airport! I packed your bag!” She’d be like, “Where are we going?!” And I’d be like “It’s a surpri…” and then I’d look down and she’d be angrily holding up the 10 thongs I packed for her on our ski trip.

Casandra, 25, Social Worker

Casandra is a 25-year-old social worker who says, “coming on The Bachelor is the biggest risk she’s ever taken for love” and I would have to disagree. This isn’t a risk! ABC has vetted Matt more than any of your aunts have vetted their friend’s son. Has Casandra ever been on a dating app?! That’s a risk for love. Meeting a guy you have no friends in common with? A guy who has 10 pictures on Instagram of him in an array of costumes he thought were funny? That’s a risk for love. Meeting him at a restaurant, believing him when he says he’s looking for a relationship, getting to know him, believing him when he texts, “I miss your face,” going on eight more dates, meeting his friends, convincing yourself this relationship is different, telling your friends, inviting him to the holidays, and the day before he decides that meeting your dog was too much commitment so he ends it and you have to return the Dunder Mifflin shirt you got him because he would always say, “That’s what she said.” I think that’s a way bigger risk.

Chelsea, 28, Runway Model

Chelsea is a 28-year-old from Brooklyn who quit her job in corporate America to become a model. That has to be the hardest thing to do in the world. I quit my job to become a stand-up comedian and my mom reacted like I had come out of the closet. She was like, “How long have you known that you’ve been… you know… funny?!” It’s got to be way worse to leave your job to be a model. Some manager being like, “I’m sorry to see you go! What’s your plan?” And you’re like, “I’m going to be a model!” And then the manager stares at you like a painting for a full 30 seconds and after the longest silence ever they’re like, “Sure. Cool. Ok, well you’re going to have to go onto COBRA for your health insurance.”

Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager

Corrinne is a 22-year-old from Connecticut who does marketing for her family’s high-end Italian restaurant, which means she lives at home and posts on their Instagram from her white Mercedes SUV before going into yoga. Corrinne speaks like someone who wants to marry someone rich. It’s just a vibe I’m getting. Her bio says things like she wants to experience the NYC lifestyle before having kids and, “Her dream man will support her in both her personal and professional endeavors.” That sounds like something someone who had a tie-dye “company” for a month over the summer would say.

Emani, 25, Realtor

Emani is a 25-year-old realtor from Albuquerque, New Mexico who says if she could be anyone else for a day, it would be herself because she is “pretty cool.” Really?! Nobody else?! Beyoncé? Jeff Bezos? One day? You don’t want to go on a private jet? Someone offers you a day of being Kim Kardashian and you’re like, “Nope! I’m good! I’m going to hang here in Albuquerque eating green chili while staring at the beautiful New Mexico landscape. A landscape that inspired someone to write a show about a guy dying of cancer who turns to dealing crystal meth so that he can afford the medical bills.” Ok.

Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer

Illeana is a 25-year-old health food developer from NYC whose bio says she “recently co-developed her own nutritional snack called ‘Funky Munky Energy.’” I went and looked up Funky Munky Energy because,, as someone who has been trying to lose 10 pounds my whole life, I’m always looking for the delicious snack that’s going to help me achieve my dream. And what you find out is that Illeana is a model repped by Wilhelmina who is waiting for The Bachelor to drop off a couple hundred thousand Instagram followers so she can start pushing candy as “GMO-free, gluten-free, energy bites.” And I can’t have it. I just can’t. She’ll be posting pictures of her eating these bites as if any of us normal-bodied people who aren’t repped by the most famous modeling agency in the world could ever have one after a workout to hold us over until our dinner of steamed string beans. Illeana needs to be stopped. Her bio also says she has a cat who wears a bowtie and goes to the bathroom on the toilet. This is an evil person. Anyone who has a cat that could hypothetically shame me for the classiness of my poops isn’t here for my well-being, and I won’t be buying her “health foods.”

Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer

Jessenia is a 27-year-old social media marketer from San Antonio who was Miss El Paso in 2016. Her bio says “her soul mate also must love dogs because Jessenia currently has three of them!” That’s one of those things that makes you realize how unfair we are to cat people. Jessenia is sitting here with three dogs and we’re like, “CAYYUUTTE!” If she had three cats then we’d assume she spends the weekends wearing her old Miss El Paso sash and crown while giving acceptance speeches to her cats. Three dogs is just as bad. Isn’t that someone who needs too much affection?!!? How much of her day is spent getting licked by her dogs because they smell her lunch, but she calls them kisses? I can’t imagine dating Jessenia is fun. You wouldn’t be able to keep up. You’d be like, “What’s wrong?!?” and she’d be like, “You didn’t give me my 20-minute hug today!!” I now await your “I take offense to any and all dog criticism” hate mail!!!

Kaili, 26, Hostess

Kaili is a 26-year-old hostess from Chicago who says she’s never dated anyone that her family has truly been excited about. That might be tough for her ex to read, and it’s also something you’ll never see in the bios of the male contestants for The Bachelorette. There are rarely subtle digs at an ex in those, because men are in total fear of every woman they’ve ever dated. Women keep the receipts! Go look at those 40-picture-long Instagram story tributes to a friend you haven’t seen in three years! We know you have a phone full of screenshots that show how stupid and gross and awful we are, so we treat exes like someone we worked with on a movie who was difficult during the production. We say stuff like, “Oh I love Kaili! We’re just two different people!! The one thing about Kaili is that Kaili is going to be Kaili!! She’s a great hostess!! Really knows how to put a menu on the table!!” and then we fake-laugh until you move on to the next subject.

Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager

Katie is a 29-year-old bank marketing manager from Renton, Washington who says she’s “done wasting her time on boys who won’t live up to her expectations” and that nothing turns her off more than someone who sits around playing video games or a man who tries to kiss her at the inopportune moment. That’s so specific that it must describe her last boyfriend exactly. That’s my biggest fear. Having an ex go on The Bachelor and reading a bio that’s like, “I just want a man who can meet my standards. You know, someone who can stop doing immature things like laughing at his own farts and being from a suburb of Boston and having poop streaks on the back of his toilet and having a dad named Gerry and getting up in the middle of the night to eat cheese eight different times and then complaining the next day about how he can’t understand why the workouts he’s doing aren’t helping a lot more! You know, immature BOYS like THAT! I need a man!!”

Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate

Khaylah is a 28-year-old healthcare advocate from Durham who says her life is all about giving back and she lives for a good tailgate. That sentence could mean such a range of things based on how you give back and how you tailgate. Like, it seems as though Khaylah genuinely does a lot of good and she enjoys a tailgate. Someone reading this is thinking, “Ya, me too!” while remembering the time they drank tequila from a shoe at a tailgate where they let a homeless guy funnel a beer. We all tailgate and give back in different ways!

Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter

Kimberly is a 28-year-old airline recruiter from Seattle who looks like she keeps a key in her pocket that doesn’t work on her house but is specifically for keying an ex’s car. Kimberly’s bio says she has no fears except finding out she’s dating a guy with a foot fetish. To me, that’s the best fetish to find out about. Constant foot rubs with essential oils and the ability to get someone off by simply scrunching your toes!? Sounds like a win. Sure, it’s jarring to find out your partner likes feet, but I’d argue that any fetish is jarring to find out about. You think finding out your partner is a furry is easy?! Now you gotta dress up as a jacked rabbit to get them off?! You know how hot those costumes must be in the summer? And how expensive?! And how much closet space they take up?! People would come over and ask why the basement looked like the green room at the Six Flags Looney Tunes show. I’ll take the foot fetish any day of the week.

Kit, 21, Fashion Entrepreneur

Kit is a 21-year-old fashion entrepreneur from NYC who looks like your friend’s sister who got really hot in college. And now you ask about her randomly and your friend is starting to be like, “Why do you keep asking about Kit?!!?”

Kit’s bio says that men in flip-flops make her mad and that she’s “a true born-and-raised New Yorker.” This is how rich New Yorkers avoid being viewed as privileged. They say stuff like “I’m a born-and-raised New Yorker” and let you imagine what that means so it can elevate them above the “basic losers” who moved to NYC and live in Stuy-Town with a roommate. Kit’s bio goes on to say she’s living with her parents in the West Village. You know, the mean streets of the most expensive part of the island with all of those “born-and-raised New Yorkers” where they have REAL problems like men’s footwear! Kit is going to be annoying. She’s 21 but she’ll act 48 and as if she “gets it” because she went to public school even though it took auditions/testing/tutors/extreme wealth to get in.

Kristin, 27, Attorney

Kristin is a 27-year-old attorney from Virginia Beach who says she “needs someone who isn’t afraid of being openly affectionate” and that she “does not share food, unless both parties have previously agreed upon it.” That’s a VERY confusing person. You’re out one night, holding hands, rubbing the small of her back, giving her a little credit card swipe of the ass crack when nobody is looking and then all of a sudden you go to grab a french fry from her plate and she’s like, “DID WE DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THE FRIES?!?” And how does she agree upon food sharing? Is there a contract?! Looking at the menu with Kristen on the first date must sound like you’re two basketball GMs trying to figure out a trade: “So I’ll get the burger and you’ll get the pasta. I’ll be giving you one quarter of my burger in exchange for seven strands of pasta with one eighth of a meatball. I can give up six fries but that’ll cost you an inch of garlic bread.”

Lauren, 29, Corporate Attorney

Lauren is a 29-year-old corporate attorney from Miami who says that “none of the guys she has dated in the past have truly been her best friend, and she’s hoping to change that here with Matt.” Whoever first said, “I’m dating my best friend” legitimately ruined a whole generation of daters. Because at some point your girlfriend will turn to you and dramatically say, “You’re my best friend” and you can almost hear the music from Dawson’s Creek playing in their head. It’s the step that comes between “I love you” and engagement that every relationship has to go through, and it’s annoying. I’ve never even thought of calling anyone my best friend. I have friends, family, and people who were once acquaintances whose social media I now talk sh*t about. That’s really it for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Whenever my girlfriend says it to me, I want to fart on her and be like, “You too buddy!!” and see how it goes over.

Magi, 32, Pharmacist

Magi is 32-year-old pharmacist from Adwa, Ethiopia who came to this country by winning the Diversity Visa Lotto. I went and looked it up on Wikipedia and it said the lotto “makes available 55,000 immigrant visas annually and aims to diversify the immigrant population in the United States, by selecting applicants from countries with low numbers of immigrants in the previous five years.” That’s truly amazing and I hope to god that we get to see the moment another woman on the show tries to glow-up her story to sound interesting while in front of Magi. She’ll be like, “My parents immigrated to Boca Raton, Florida from the mountains of Long Island.” and then she’ll be like, “Magi, where are you from!?” And Magi will say something along the lines of, “I saw the Hollywood sign for the first time thanks to a one-in-a-million opportunity to come to this country. But I’m sure that was embarrassing when you didn’t know what a pub sub was.”

Mari, 24, Marketing Director

Mari is a 24-year-old marketing director from Odenton, Maryland who looks like someone on 90 Day Fiancé who’s been talking to a guy online for eight years but he still doesn’t have her phone number. She’s a former beauty queen who won Miss Maryland USA in 2019 and placed top 10 at Miss USA. The pageant world crosses over so much with the Bachelor world, and it has to be because The Bachelor is basically a pageant in itself. You tell your story, there’s kind of an unsaid bathing suit competition, interesting hobbies always get featured. The only difference is that the final three can choose to sleep with the judge. And honestly, that would make me watch a few more pageants. I’d even watch a male pageant just to see a female judge give a Roman Emperor-style thumbs down at a good looking guy who wouldn’t go down on her.

Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator

Marylynn is a 28-year-old event coordinator from Studio City, California who says she loves Disneyland and hopes to start a nonprofit that helps the environment reduce and eventually eradicate single-use plastic. 2020/21 isn’t the year to start dating Marylynn. I wouldn’t have the energy for it. There’s so much going on—a global pandemic, racial inequality, a growing wealth gap, and now I’d have to go to Disneyland so I can be an enabler for someone’s deranged princess fantasy?! And then add in the possibility that she could get mad at me for using a straw? Nope. I’m not signing up for that. She’d be like, “IS THAT A STRAW?!” And I’d run away, take the guy dressed as Crush the turtle from Finding Nemo hostage, and throw our bodies in front of one of the teacups.

MJ, 23, Hair Stylist

MJ is a 23-year-old hairstylist from Hudson, Ohio who looks like she’s going to try and sell you crystals as a skin care routine. I can tell MJ is very difficult to date. She’s from a small town and her bio says, “MJ is very social and wants to find a man who will let her maintain her independence and won’t add unnecessary drama to her life.” That is the language of a hot woman who RUNS her small town. She’s out at a dive bar in Hudson and she’s laughing at some truck driver named Randy’s jokes and her boyfriend (who thinks Cleveland “has too many people”) is like, “Hey! What are you guys laughing about!?” And MJ is like, “Stop being so dramatic!! You hate when I’m independent!” And then MJ sits on the truck driver’s lap and her boyfriend is like, “Do you want another drink?” And MJ’s like, “Randy wants a Budweiser” and then she loudly whispers to Randy, “He hates how social I am.”

Pieper, 23, Graduate Student

Pieper is a 23-year-old graduate student from Happy Valley, Oregon who looks like she stars in a Disney series. Pieper’s bio says that she “is not into picnics because the idea of sitting on the ground and eating is not appealing to her.” I’ve never agreed with a statement more in my life. I’m never sitting on the ground again. From this day forth I will never look like a kindergartner during snack time. I will never again be criss-cross-apple-saucing and having my balls go numb while hunching over a paper plate. I want to vote for Pieper for President. I want to create a secret police that throws people in jail for sitting on the ground while eating. I want to take this opportunity to tell people that if they ever invite me to sit on the ground for a picnic, I will pick up their sandwich, lick it, kick their picnic basket over and then never speak to them again. Thank you, Pieper, for giving me the strength to live my truth.

Rachael, 24, Graphic Designer

Rachael is a 24-year-old graphic designer from Cumming, Georgia who describes herself as a “hopeless romantic.” Here’s a quote from Rachael:

“At the end of the day, love is what makes your life more special than others. Life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times, but if you have someone by your side that loves you more than they love themselves, that makes it all worth it in the end.”

This is why I can’t stand anyone who describes themself as a “hopeless romantic.” They say crap like that and you can’t really question them. We all just kind of nod our heads. But, “life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times.” Ummm what happened to Rachael!? Couldn’t she have stopped at “difficult?” What are we getting into with Rachael? “Dark” could literally mean anything from “a guy ghosted Rachael” to “Rachael partied on a haunted burial ground in high school and now her whole family is dead.”

Saneh, 25, IT Consultant

Saneh is a 25-year-old IT consultant from Denver who says she “loves any activity that puts her in the great outdoors—from hiking and kayaking to sunrise yoga at Red Rocks Amphitheater.” You see stuff like this all of the time on dating apps. This “active, fit, I’m always outside, adventure person” and I’ve never actually met them in real life. Maybe Saneh does sunrise yoga but like, what about sleeping until 11 and having to remember where you are because you drank too much last night? It’s just always all fitness and no reality. These people are like koalas—I’ve seen pictures but never a real one in daylight. Like, I have friends. I’ve dated. I have a girlfriend. She has friends. Not one of those people is ever like, “Let’s get a beer next week after I come back from belaying off a rock face!” If anything, it’s the opposite. Every person I know is like, “Sometimes I make nachos with American cheese slices because that’s the only thing that makes me happy.” Maybe all of these outdoors people are in Denver. They all march up and down mountains and discuss IPAs and the things they keep in their cargo pockets.

Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist

Sarah is a 24-year-old broadcast journalist from San Diego whose picture seems computer generated to show you how a perfectly symmetrical face would look. Sarah’s bio says that “finding a man whose commitment to faith is as strong as hers” is very important. Why do these people come on The Bachelor? I’ll never understand how someone’s like, “Wait, there’s a show where one man dates 30 women?! And I can apply?! Well, gosh darn it! I hope he likes going to church after he’s gotten blown by all 30!!”

Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant

Serena C. is a 24-year-old flight attendant from San Francisco who says she “needs a man who wants to be professionally successful, but is also a free spirit like her with dreams of traveling the world.” That quote shows you how delusional young people are about their future partner. There’s no such thing as a professionally successful free spirit. You get one or the other. You either get a flip flop-wearing, Ayahuasca-drinking, back of the plane-sitting, Airbnb-staying poor person, or you get a belt-wearing, decaf coffee-drinking, first class-sitting, five star hotel-staying rich person. And if you want kids, then you get a minivan and a mediocre house with one trip to Disney that makes you want to abandon those kids at five years old. At 24, your Elon Musk is out there and as you get older you just hope your partner has no college debt.

Serena P., 22, Publicist

Serena P. is a 22-year-old publicist from Toronto who says she is “chronically hangry.” That’s just a coded way of saying “I’m an asshole who doesn’t take responsibility for my behavior.” I put describing yourself as “hangry” in the same category as saying “I’m just sarcastic” and “nobody gets my sense of humor” and “everyone’s so sensitive.” These are all assholes who, instead of making any changes or looking in the mirror at all, give themselves a character description and we all have to just accept it. It’s always, “Sorry I was just hangry! This is what happens when you don’t feed me!!” As if they’re a 4-year-old who has the ability to pay rent but no strength to open the fridge for an apple. I’m going to start calling myself “Horngry” anytime I get mad and then go masturbate and come out of the bathroom and be like, “Sorry! I was just horngry! That’s what happens when you don’t lick my nuts!!”

Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist

Sydney is a 28-year-old marketing specialist from Nashville who says her family would describe her as “opinionated.” I love that. Your family will always describe you with very kind honesty. I can see a dad being asked about Sydney and the dad rolling his eyes while simply saying, “She’s got a lot of OPINIONS.” That means she doesn’t hold back even when it’s annoying and she probably should. It’s why your uncle calls your cousin who has a lot of sex “flirty.” And your mom calls your racist uncle “a drunk.” This all means Sydney is about to be your next favorite person on The Bachelor. She will be the voice of the audience. I’m counting on her to ask one of the woman how they became a 21-year-old “fashion entrepreneur” and if the fashion entrepreneur company is taking any new hires soon.

Victoria, 27, Queen

Victoria’s awful, but I think that’s what she wants us to think. Her whole bio is basically saying that she’s on the show to make a name for herself. She described her job as “Queen” and mentions a “jetsetter lifestyle” and says that spirituality plays a big role in her life and she loves that she has no filter. Like, those are all squares in the game of Douchebag Bingo. I’ve always dreamt of living my life the way Victoria describes hers. Walking around without that voice in her head that’s just screaming, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU JUST USED THE WORD SPIRITUALITY AND IF ANYONE ASKED YOU WHAT THAT MEANT THEN YOU’D HAVE NO ANSWER!!! YOU’RE LIVING TOO FAST AND LOOSE!! YOU’RE NOT A QUEEN WHO JET-SETS!! YOU WENT TO A MEDIOCRE STATE SCHOOL AND YOU’LL BE LUCKY TO EVER RETIRE!!” So, yes, Victoria’s awful but I also envy her.

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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Not the holidays, but those are coming up too: Bachelor Bio days! Yes, technically ABC released the full bios of Matt James’s contestants on The Bachelor on Friday, but it was 3pm and I had other things to do (wine to drink), so I couldn’t pump out my judgmental quips as fast for you people. But after putting much thought (wine) into it over the weekend, I have returned with my breakdown of Matt James’s contestants.

Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager

Abigail says good looks are “a plus” but “getting to know someone on a deeper level is far more important in a successful relationship.” And that’s why she signed up to get engaged to someone after at most eight weeks of dating non-exclusively on a television show.

Alana, 26, Photographer

Alana acts like she’s this free spirit because she didn’t go to college right after high school, she… wait for it… moved to Europe. Ah yes, Europe! The road less traveled! Europe is where Alana went on a “journey of self-discovery and exploration”, which we all know means she banged a bunch of dudes with accents and maybe had a threesome. Get Emily In Paris outta here.

Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina

Now that’s what I’m calling a job title. Alicia describes herself as “unlucky in love”, which doesn’t surprise me given that she’s been working to become a ballerina since age 13. The only thing I’ve worked at that long has been staying alive, and even that I haven’t even tried too hard to do. Anyway, the point is, she’s probably just been too busy to find a relationship. Alicia says she “loves all vegetables, with the exception of tomatoes”. Girl, tomatoes are a fruit.

Amber, 30, Nursing Student

What is it about Amber that’s giving me villain vibes? Is it the fillers? The nursing student profession? The name Amber? It’s all the above. Also because when Amber was asked what her physical type is, her answer was “MATT JAMES!” Honey, we asked your type, not who you’re competing for on the show. This has big “can I steal you for a sec?” energy written all over it. And finally, Amber says she is “terrified of being on the edge of cliffs,” and I’ve got to wonder just how often that comes up. Maybe we should do a cross-check to see if any of Amber’s exes have tragically fallen off cliffs before.

Anna, 24, Copywriter

I’m already feeling good about my decision not to apply for this season, because at 29, I would apparently be too old. So, Anna’s bio sounds like a bad Hallmark movie: this cheerleading captain knew she was meant for something bigger than her hometown Applebee’s, as if that’s some novel statement. Most of us also didn’t want to live out the rest of our days at a middle-tier chain restaurant, but we weren’t even popular in high school.

Anna says right off the bat that she wants a man who will take her at “the good, the bad, and the ugly.” The emotionally stable among us know that that is literally the bare minimum for a committed relationship. The fact that she needs to spell it out leads me to think she’s keyed a few cars in her day, as does her mentioning “Gemini vibes”. Anna, you can’t blame being a Gemini for the fact that you burned your ex’s clothes because you thought he was cheating on you!

Bri, 24, Communications Manager

Bri’s bio is so over-the-top that I have to wonder what ABC is trying to tell us with this. Like, her bio opens with, “Bri is really something special” and then goes into how hard her mother and grandmother worked at giving her a fighting shot at a successful life. Her dream is to live in Kauai. Her favorite activity is brunching. Her tattoos are a wave and the number 13 in Farsi. I’m thinking she wins, because there’s nothing even remotely embarrassing here. Either that or she’s super boring and goes home on the first night.

Carolyn, 30, Journalist

More like retired journalist, I’m just saying. Carolyn is also giving me villain vibes—not in the traditional villain sense, but in the sense that she’ll be the one who’s constantly losing it and whom the other girls can’t stand. Why do I think that? Because her bio has things like “Carolyn wants a bold man who won’t be afraid to challenge her and call her out if she needs it” (translation: she likes the toxic ones) and “She needs someone who will appreciate her intensity and bring an equal amount of passion to the relationship” (translation: her ideal relationship is a constant cycle between screaming and f*cking). 

Casandra, 25, Social Worker

I have to say that nothing grates on me quite like girls who think that preferring to be in sweats with no makeup on is a unique personality trait. Newsflash: most people don’t prefer to put in effort and be uncomfortable! I feel like girls really took that Drake line and ran with it in the wrong direction. Drake wasn’t noting that his girl is special for not wanting to put on jeans or makeup, the noteworthy part is that she apparently actually looks better that way (which is actually a lie and a fake, toxic beauty standard, but that’s not why we’re here). In any case, “Best I Ever Had” came out 10 years ago, let’s please put this trope to rest.

Chelsea, 28, Runway Model

Chelsea might be the only one out of the bunch who’s here for the right reasons, because she’s an actual model and presumably doesn’t need to shill FabFitFun boxes in order to get mistaken for a model. Chelsea has very run-of-the-mill interests, which include learning Spanish online and her favorite meal being “snacks”. Suddenly I feel a lot better about the fact that, when asked on a date what my hobbies are, I said “currently watching Real Housewives of New York City from season 1”. 

Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager

Well I’m glad it only took three years for the Bachelor franchise to permit another Corrinne to grace its hallowed halls. This Corrinne seems kind of similar to our Corrinne in that she earns her living through the family business, which in this case is a high-end Italian restaurant. So like, an Olive Garden. Corrinne says she wants “a man who will prioritize settling down over a busy nightlife and partying,” and it’s like, honey. Graduate college and you’ll find him. Don’t sweat it.

Emani, 25, Realtor

Emani says her turn-offs are “emotional instability, physical instability, and financial instability.” The emotional and financial instability I get. But what exactly is physical instability? Is it coded fatphobia? Is she going to make you take the Presidential Fitness Test on date one? Does she troll her local Iron Man competitions looking for love?

Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer

So basically Illeana is only here to promote “Funky Monkey Energy”, which sounds like a playtime education video series for toddlers. Whatever it is, it doesn’t even have a website (I checked). Great marketing. Illeana has a cat named Sir Theo who goes to the bathroom IN THE TOILET and she also probably has an overprotective dad who is a retired CIA operative.

Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer

PAGEANT GIRL ALERT! Jessenia is a former Miss El Paso 2016, and to be honest I’m surprised it took until the J names before a pageant queen came up. Jessenia says she “wants someone with whom she can travel the world, but who will also indulge in a fabulous staycation.” This is called balance, and it is not as unique as these girls think it is. I want someone who can travel but also not! This is not 1847 and Matt James is not a sea captain. I can guarantee most people you date are not traveling the world for the remainder of their existence.

Kaili, 26, Hostess

Kaili just heard of the Love Language test yesterday because her bio says she “loves to show affection through spending quality time with her partner, performing acts of service and making sure that her man knows their voice is being heard.” Kaili, you’re not just supposed to list out 3 of the 5 love languages, that doesn’t count! She also says the “man of her dreams is introspective” and “empathetic” so I’m predicting she’s going to be that contestant who won’t STFU about emotional intelligence because she read a book about it on the plane ride to the Bachelor Mansion Nemacolin. Kaili, calm down. You’re not a mental health counselor, you probably work at a small-town Applebee’s.

Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager

Katie is going to be typecast as “the old spinster” and I know this because the first sentence of her bio is a dig at the “boys” she has dated in the past. Katie’s most fun fact is that she “once planned a dog flash mob”, and I have a lot of questions. Did the dogs learn a choreographed dance? If not, is that really a flash mob? Just say you and a few of your dog mom friends got together in the park one day and go.

Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate

Get ready for a number of tearful montages showing Khaylah on the front lines (are healthcare advocates on the front lines? What do they do, exactly?) with her patients or volunteering for those less fortunate or saving some old man from getting hit by a bus. She seems great, she really does—almost too great. Even her fun fact says that she idolizes Rihanna. She might as well have put that she enjoys breathing for all that tells us.

Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter

Kimberly is now at least the third girl to point out that she loves snacks in some variation or another, and now I have to wonder what kind of anti-snack propaganda they’re disseminating to hot women to make them think this is quirky. Snacks are just smaller meals, everybody likes snacks! I am beginning to suspect snacks are just the new pizza in terms of “foods hot women claim to eat to seem relatable.” Anyway, Kimberly’s bio says not to take her on a date to a cemetery because that’s a hard pass for her. I literally host a true crime podcast and not once has a guy offered to take me on a date to a cemetery, so I’ve got to wonder if Kimberly is using her Ouija board as a dating app.

Kit, 21, Fashion Entrepreneur

Ok, you may have fooled Bachelor casting, Kit, but you didn’t fool me. You’re 21 years old. You are not a “fashion entrepreneur”, you are an attractive, thin woman on Instagram who gets sent free clothes. There, I fixed it. And yea, I was right: she lives at home with her parents in the West Village while finishing school at NYU. Kit also hasn’t had a serious relationship since high school, which is supposed to sound impressive but that was literally four years ago for you, Kit! Talk to me when you’re 29 and haven’t had a serious relationship since scrunching your hair with 10 pounds of gel was in vogue! Get a f*cking grip.

Kristin, 27, Attorney

Kristin is kind of a walking contradiction. She works too hard to date, but is a party starter. She loves PDA but is obsessive about her oral hygiene. She needs someone who doesn’t care about their personal space, but god forbid you try to take a fry off her plate. I’m beginning to see why she might be single.

Lauren, 29, Corporate Attorney

At this point I just feel bad for any Lauren that gets cast on this show. This Lauren actually seems very normal: she likes working out, going to the beach, and her book club. The only potential red flag I see is that she seems like the type to bring up her biological clock on the first date.

Magi, 32, Pharmacist

First of all, loving that Magi dressed for this Photoshoot like an eligible Victorian bachelorette with a terrible secret. That’s the only semi-bad thing I can say about her because otherwise she sounds like a literal saint. Moving on because now I feel bad about myself.

Mari, 24, Marketing Director

Another beauty queen! Mari won Miss Maryland USA in 2019. She says she loves working remotely because “she can’t wait to have kids and wants to be a working mom that shows young women they truly can have it all!” That’s why you love working remotely? Not because of the lack of commute? Not because you can wear sweats? Because of some kids you don’t even have yet? Well, I guess I’m the asshole because I like waking up five minutes before I’m supposed to sign on in my pizza-stained pajamas.

Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator

Marylynn’s five-year plan is to be married with two or more rescue dogs and “living a productive, inspirational, healthy life”. This is oddly specific, but hey, at least she’s got goals. I bet she kills in job interviews.

MJ, 23, Hair Stylist

MJ is a so-called “beauty expert” who’s wearing no makeup in her headshot. I’m 50/50 on whether or not this is a good endorsement of her skills. She grew up on a small island in Lake Erie, so maybe lip balm counts as glam when you’re in the woods 24/7.

Pieper, 23, Graduate Student

I love that Pieper’s bio begins, “don’t discount Pieper as just a pretty face!” because if we were doing that, we’d be discounting all 32 of these women. And everyone from every single past season. But sure. 

Rachael, 24, Graphic Designer

Rachael says she “needs a man who will make every day with her something to tell their future children about” and like, what Hallmark Christmas movie are these girls injecting into their eyeballs before they write these bios? I don’t need to tell you all why this is wildly unrealistic and also makes no f*cking sense. She also is the only one so far to get a direct quote: “At the end of the day, love is what makes your life more special than others.” Yikes, I feel really sad that career counseling in Cumming, GA apparently consists of putting all the girls in a room and showing them Disney movies. That’s the only explanation I could come up with for why someone could honestly be out in the world thinking that love (and not, idk, accomplishments, personal fulfillment, contentment) is what makes your life more special than others.

Saneh, 25, IT Consultant

Saneh was apparently inducted into the University of Florida’s Hall of Fame for “outstanding leadership, service, and academic achievement” which I assume means she organized a killer bar crawl junior year. She had a pet parrot as a child and ran her first marathon at the age of 16, so I am frankly afraid of her.

Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist

Alexis Rose is a trained fire dancer, which is very Alexis. All her bio needs is the added detail that she learned to fire dance in order to escape from the yacht where she was being held captive by a fake Saudi prince.

Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant

Now this is fun, multiple Serenas. We only got one Lauren but have more than one Serena, you really don’t see that every season. Serena C. is the only girl so far who’s acknowledged quarantine at all, though she says she was spending that time “to really think about what qualities she wants in a partner” when we all know she was learning the “Savage” dance.

Serena P., 22, Publicist

Serena P. is making up for the fact that she probably never got to legally set foot in a bar before COVID hit by saying that she’s “always been a believer that no matter what your age is, when you know, you know.” Serena P. is “chronically hangry”, says her dream man “HAS to be willing to share his food with her”, and “would love to have a pet chicken so she could have a pet and an endless supply of eggs.” Ok, so the woman wasn’t kidding. She is hungry! Someone get Serena P. an omelet, STAT! 

Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist

Sydney’s whole bio is basically about how “opinionated” she is, so she’s going to start sh*t with every woman in the house for no reason. She writes that her role in life is to “give facts over being a shoulder to cry on” which legally is the closest they’re allowed to get to “not here to make friends” before the cameras start rolling.

Victoria, 27, Queen

Umm, I’m sorry? Did I read that correctly? Yes, this girl really put “Queen” as her bio and says that she refers to herself as “Queen Victoria”. I don’t even need to read anything else; this tells me everything I need to know. Oh wait, she has a goldendoodle named Coco. Ok, NOW I have everything. Run for the hills.

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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin

After nearly seven months without new Bachelor content, our frenemies over at ABC are finally giving us what we need to survive. Clare’s season of The Bachelorette premieres next Tuesday, and last week, we were blessed with the full bios of the 31 men competing for her heart (and then Tayshia’s heart, allegedly). I’m still grappling with  the fact that I need to make room in my brain for another Tyler C, but Mike Fleiss & Co aren’t done with the surprises just yet.

On Monday, as they’ve done for the last several seasons, ABC gave us a first look at the women who may be competing on Matt James’ upcoming season of The Bachelor, which is filming in a bubble in Pennsylvania. There are 43 women on the list, so by “may be competing”, I mean that around a dozen of these women will mysteriously disappear by the time we get the full cast bios in a few months. Sorry to those women; they’ll have to find another route to their dream influencer careers.

Until we know a bit more about these women, we’ll hold off on our full contestant breakdown, but for now, there are a few who we absolutely need to talk about.

Kit, 21

At 21 years old, Kit is the youngest of the group, and I have questions. Matt James is 28, and I can’t be the only one who’s a little skeeved out at the idea of a man in his late 20s dating someone who had her college roommate take her pic for The Bachelor on the porch of their sh*tty off-campus house. But age aside, this is just a terrible photo. Like, what is she doing with her foot, why is she holding a random tote bag, and why can I see the reflection of a car (and the person who took the photo) in the window? Why do I feel like she had to crop this so you couldn’t see her red Solo cup? Sorry, but I have no interest in Bachelor contestants who are currently in sororities.

Amber, 30

I don’t know what it is about Amber, but I’m getting distinct villain energy. Maybe it’s the intense fillers. And the fact that her name is Amber. This girl is going to have no problem stealing Matt every second she gets, mark my words.

Sarah, 24

Is it just me, or is Sarah serving some serious Alexis Rose vibes? Love this journey for her. But actually, Sarah is from San Diego, and I feel like she’s the kind of woman who goes rock climbing for fun, which I find very intimidating. 

Victoria, 27

WHERE ARE THIS GIRL’S SHOES? She’s just sitting in a field of grass (or wheat, IDK, I’m not a farmer) completely barefoot? Commenters on Facebook are calling her a “typical country girl”, but this girl says she is from NEW YORK CITY. Now I’ve got to wonder if Victoria is even from Manhattan at all, or if she’s from a suburban town in Jersey that she tells people is “just outside the city”.

Rachael, 24

I just feel the need to point out that for her headshot for The Bachelor, Rachael decided to wear a cardigan as a shirt and only button the top button. That is a choice, and one I respect, because it tells me that this girl has no shame and nothing to lose. She WILL be an influencer when this is all over, and nothing can stop her from reaching that goal.

Kaili, 26

I know nothing about Kaili, but based on this photo alone (specifically the hair), I’m betting that she’s this season’s pageant queen. Every season has at least one, and that fresh blowout screams Miss San Diego. If Kaili hasn’t actually competed in pageants, I still expect her to bring the same energy to the house, meaning her answers will be a little too polished, and she’ll do anything to win. Will she fall in love with Matt? Probably not, but she’s more concerned with crushing the competition.

Matt’s season doesn’t premiere until 2021, a concept so intangible and faraway that I feel like it may never come to pass, and we don’t even know how many of these women will end up on the season, so don’t worry too much about learning their names right now. Instead of learning the difference between Serena C and Serena P, focus on the 31 random dudes that are going to be on your TV starting next week. Truly, this is the serotonin boost we’ve all been waiting for.

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Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; The Bachelor / Facebook (6)

Regardless of whether you hate them or love them, it’s undeniable that the women of The Bachelor know a thing or two about beauty. Whether it’s how to maintain your makeup on the beaches of paradise or getting that perfect no-makeup makeup look while chilling in the mansion, these girls clearly know which products you should be blowing your entire paycheck on buying. So, given their authority on the matter, here are each of their must-have beauty products they can’t live without, and so we shouldn’t be either.

1. Cassie Randolph

Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask, $20

If you haven’t heard about this lip mask by now, then I’m sorry but you don’t have any friends… or just definitely don’t follow Cassie Randolph on Instagram. Because, if you did, you would know how much she loves this product. This lip sleeping mask is Cassie’s holy grail for keeping her lips hydrated and, since she is in fact the face of effortless California beauty, I’m taking her word for it. 

2. Lauren Bushnell

OUAI Dry Texture Foam, $28

Lauren Bushnell Lane is living the DREAM post-Bachelor life. She’s a Revolve influencer who also just married a country music star—what more could any ex-contestant want? Also, did anyone else see her proposal video from Chris Lane? I legit cried and like, I don’t even know these people. Anyway, Lauren’s hair always looks amazing and she credits this dry texture foam via IG for helping her create her signature look. So yes, I’ll be adding this to my cart as well.

3. Amanda Stanton

Kate Somerville EradiKate Acne Treatment, $26

First off, I didn’t even know Amanda Stanton ever got pimples…it just doesn’t seem possible, she’s too perfect. But apparently she does, and she shared with us via Insta stories that this Kate Somerville acne treatment is her saving grace. And it clearly works considering I’ve never seen Amanda with any sort of blemish, EVER.

4. JoJo Fletcher

Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Extra Strength Daily Peel, $88

If you can’t afford to get facials and laser treatments every week like all of these ex-Bachelor contestants can, then this product, which is one of JoJo’s faves, is the next best thing. Of course, JoJo actually does get all of those expensive treatments anyway but, according to her Instagram “beauty” highlights, she’s a fan of these peels as well. And, I can personally vouch for the fact that these peel pads are incredible and worth the steep price.

5. Becca Tilley

Foreo Luna 3, $199

Becca Tilley, the famous virgin before it was a singular Bachelor personality trait (looking at you Colton Underwood) is one of the most beautiful women to ever grace this show. On her Instagram, she attributes her great skin to this device which exfoliates the skin (and also happens to look super cute on your bathroom vanity). Which, sadly, is indeed a trait I look for in my beauty products.

6. Ashley Iaconetti

iS Clinical Active Serum, $138

Ashely I. is obsessed with everything beauty. So when it comes to skincare, we can trust that she knows which products actually work. This serum is by iS Clinical, which is a brand favorite amongst influencers and celebrities beyond #BachelorNation. So, no offense to Ashley I., but there are some actual A-listers vouching for it as well. It’s expensive, which is why I’ve never personally tried it yet. However, if you’re like, rich or something and have tried it then please, let us peasants know how it is.

7. Kaitlyn Bristowe

Tan Luxe The Face Illuminating Self-Tan Drops, $49

Another Bachelor fave product that I also happen to use and love is the Tan Luxe Face Self-Tan drops. Kaitlyn shared with E! that she uses this oil so she can get away with wearing less makeup. Which like, same sis, I use this product in place of having to wear foundation. It’s amazing for blurring imperfections and creating the appearance of an even skin tone, making it a great substitute for your daily face beat.

8. Hannah Brown

Kevyn Aucoin Gossamer Loose Powder, $72

Don’t worry guys, I’m not about to give you Hannah Brown’s mascara recommendation here. Hopefully, by now someone has introduced her to a good waterproof one. But anyways, I’m here to let you in on her makeup artist’s secret for keeping Hannah’s makeup in place during those long hours as The Bachelorette. Hannah’s makeup artist, Gina Modica, credits this loose powder to keeping Hannah’s makeup flawless all night long.

9. Hannah Godwin

Tarte Shape Tape Concealer, $27

Hannah Godwin is a fan of this cult-favorite concealer product as her go-to for covering her dark circles. Everyone who has tried this product also raves about it so like, even if you don’t trust Hannah’s judgment (because I mean she did have that little lapse in judgment with Blake), you can at least just trust the rest of the internet.

10. Demi Burnett

Biosilk Silk Therapy, $49.50 

Besides being known for being unapologetically herself, when you think of Demi you can’t help but picture her long, gorgeous locks. No matter what, even amidst the heat and humidity of Paradise, her hair always looked fresh and bouncy. Considering my hair is the complete opposite, I’ll definitely be trying her go-to product, this Biosilk treatment, and basically just pray for a miracle.

11. Tayshia Adams

Kiehl’s Eye Fuel, $24

This eye cream from Kiehl’s is actually a men’s product, but if Tayshia swears by it, then IDC because gender is a social construct anyway. Kiehl’s is a trusted brand on its own and, apparently, this eye cream kept Tayshia looking her best, even after a night of long-ass rose ceremonies. This eye cream contains caffeine and Vitamin B3 to reduce puffiness and dark circles, which I imagine is something every contestant could actually use on this show.

12. Caelynn Miller-Keyes

Boscia White Charcoal Mattifying Makeup Setting Spray, $38

Any Bachelor In Paradise alum who still looks stunning a few weeks into the season, even as their eyelash extensions get mangled and their spray tans fade, can be trusted with their recommendation for a makeup setting spray. Of course, it helps that all these girls are all so stunning to start with, but being able to maintain a full face of makeup without ANY air conditioning anywhere is a true feat. And for that reason, I’ll be purchasing Caelynn’s go-to setting spray. Plus, it must be good if it’s getting her through the van life with Deaniebabies.

I mean, I don’t know which of these aspiring influencers I can trust is actually “here for the right reasons” but pretty sure I can trust almost all of them on which beauty products are worth it. And, at the end of the day, is anyone ever truly there for the “right reasons” anyway? Groundbreaking but like, something to think about.

Images: Charley Gallay/Getty Images for PUMA; Sephora (6); Dermstore; Revolve; Ulta (3); Kiehl’s

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

To be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of The Bachelor, but I really do love all the chaos that comes along with show. I can’t sit through three hours of limo introductions on a Monday night, but I can sure as hell read 50 Reddit threads about whose Instagram behavior is messy AF. It’s called research. Yesterday, I broke down all the crazy details about one of this season’s frontrunners, Hannah Ann, but today we’re looking into someone whom Peter sent home on night one: Maurissa Gunn.

Maurissa actually got a lot of attention on Monday night’s episode, which is why a lot of people were surprised that she didn’t stick around. But homegirl clearly had her eyes on a different, perhaps better prize: Mike Johnson. Pretty much everyone besides the conservative midwestern moms were mad when ABC passed over Mike for this season of The Bachelor, and apparently Maurissa was in the same boat. Back in November, after her brief time filming the show, she was allegedly spotted having dinner with Mike in Atlanta, which is possibly the best news I’ve ever heard. I actually gasped when I saw this photo.

Maurissa won in the end #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/XKlApYZMdj

— #JusticeForMaurissa (@decidedtostan) January 7, 2020

This picture might be an exercise in confirmation bias, because these could literally be any two people in the world. However, we were sent this picture through someone who’s a few degrees of separation from Maurissa, so as far as I’m concerned, it’s legit.

Wow, so much to process. I guess Mike and Demi Lovato aren’t hanging out anymore, but we already knew that. Demi was actually dating another guy, Austin Wilson, for most of the fall, before they broke up in December. We only have confirmation that she and Mike hung out a couple of times, so there was probably never anything serious going on. No word on whether she and Mike have reconnected post-breakup, but for now I’ll assume that’s a no.

In the meantime, Mike has been living his life, being generally adorable, and posting Instagram ads like this one, which makes me want to slide into his DMs right now:

View this post on Instagram

Bringing sexy back and happiness is my new year, new you vibe. As a #ColgatePartner I’m using @shopsmilesbycolgate’s Optic White Advanced LED Whitening System to prep and maintain my smile for the new year. It’s easy and makes your teeth 6 shades whiter after 10 min a day for 10 days 💯 Use ColgateMike for 30% off #ColgateSmile @shopsmilesbycolgate

A post shared by Mike Johnson (@mikejohnson1_) on Nov 26, 2019 at 4:51pm PST

This man can sell me a teeth whitening system any day of the week. If every influencer’s sponsored posts looked like this, I would be a lot more likely to actually buy any of the sh*t they’re shilling. But let’s get back to Maurissa. Back in September, ABC gave us a first look at the contestants on this season, and they started filming that same week. Obviously, we now know that Maurissa’s time in the house was brief, but she was determined to get the most out of her Bachelor experience.

According to an Instagram post, she was seen out with Mike in Atlanta in November, roughly two months after she got eliminated from the show, and I need to know how this came about. Did she not realize that Mike wasn’t the Bachelor until she got out of the limo? Did she slide into his DMs after she got eliminated? Did he see her DMV-looking photo on the Bachelor Facebook page and slide into hers? Did he just happen to be in Atlanta, or did he fly there to see her? Do they have mutual friends? Did they already know each other, à la Hannah Ann and Caelynn? Is she just trying to get Mike on reserve for Paradise? I have many questions, but sadly, few answers.

Other than that one photo of them at dinner together, there’s little evidence that anything else happened between them. Maurissa follows Mike on Instagram, but Mike doesn’t follow her back. I’m tempted to say that this is because men are trash, but it might just mean that they don’t actually really know each other. Either way, I doubt they’re in some kind of secret relationship.

Actually, based on her decent amount of screen time and this extra AF Instagram caption, I’d say it’s more likely that she has her sights set on a Bachelor in Paradise appearance this summer. While getting sent home the first night isn’t ideal for her Paradise chances, she seems to have made a positive impression in her brief time on the show. Who knows, she could be the next Grocery Store Joe.

View this post on Instagram

“And for Pete I’m so thankful, but… thank you, NEXT.” 😉😂 all jokes aside, I am so extremely thankful for this amazing journey, and the chance to find love. Turns out Pete didn’t have what it takes to win my heart 😉 but I have faith that this journey is not over. I am confident that I will soon have the chance to experience this thing called “Love” , but until then I will continue to share my story, and empower other women to feel beautiful and confident in their own skin. It’s important to remember that before you can love someone else, you must love yourself first. One mans “No thank you” is another mans “Yes please” … I want to thank everyone for all of your love and support on my quest to find love. 💕and on that note, “Catch flights, not feelings” 😉 ✈️

A post shared by Maurissa Gunn (@maurissagunn) on Jan 6, 2020 at 7:21pm PST

Right now, Maurissa only has 15K followers on Instagram, so she has a lot of work to do if she wants to actually be a memorable figure in Bachelor Nation, but her date with Mike has definitely made me 150% more invested in whatever she has going on. You don’t need to follow her every move or anything, but don’t be all like “who??” when she gets announced for the Paradise cast. She’s one to watch, I’m calling it now. But also, Mike, if you’re reading this, just remember that my DMs are incredibly open.

Images: ABC; decidedtostan / Twitter; mikejohnson1_, maurissagunn / Instagram

I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 34-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode: @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.

This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for half a decade. When I first started writing this, Instagram couldn’t pay a person’s rent, and the thought of listening to an hour podcast from a former Bachelor contestant would make me want to cut my ears off. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where the contestants were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information, and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these wackos,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. The last couple seasons, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern whose parents used $100k they found under the couch cushion to get them into USC.

So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me after eating Chinese food while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.

Peter Weber

Peter isn’t the Bachelor we wanted. Bachelor Nation really wanted Mike Johnson to be the Bachelor. I did too—he was really good on The Bachelorette, and a black bachelor would freshen the show up a bit. But then it became a thing. The whole “we want Mike” song became performative. It had my-dad-voted-for-Trump-and-I-need-people-to-know-I’m-not-a-bad-person vibes. It was all just too much. It felt like the premise for Get Out 2. We were like, a day away from marches with white women crying while looking up between sniffles to make sure it got caught on camera.

So, we ended up with Peter because someone was like, “But what about all of those flying puns we could use for the promos?!” Peter is best known as the guy who had sex with Hannah four times in a windmill, a storyline that I still can’t believe existed on ABC. Peter is a fine choice. To be honest, Peter is probably the Bachelor because Hannah never mentioned that she climaxed from one of the four bangs. If she had cum four times, then Peter would’ve won and Hannah wouldn’t have been seen again. She would have gone back to Alabama quietly while she waited for Peter to fly home to give her “The Windmill.” But, here we are. Awaiting a season of Peter. Just a guy. Nothing great. Nothing special. He’s the human form of, “RIGHT THERE!! RIGHT THERE!! DON’T STOP!! DON’T STOP… AHHHH I WAS SO CLOSE.”

Alayah

Alayah is a 24-year-old who just won Miss Texas on her fourth try. Yes, FOURTH. That can only mean Alayah is insane. Women in their twenties are almost oblivious to what the word “old” means. You’ll meet a cousin at Thanksgiving who’s like, 21 and she’ll talk about being a senior in college like she just checked into an old folks home. It doesn’t even matter that her recently divorced aunt is sitting right there crying while trying to figure out how to download a dating app. The cousin will loudly talk about her and her friends being “the grandmas” of the sorority scene and how “these college boys are so immature. They don’t even know how to use a napkin after shotgunning their White Claws.” Alayah’s grasp on the realities of being 24 MUST be way out of sync after four tours of the Texas pageant scene. I bet they called her name to come on stage this year and she put out a cigarette on her arm before muttering, “I’m too old for this sh*t” and rearranging the crotch of her bikini.

Avonlea

Avonlea is a 27-year-old Cattle Rancher from Texas who also does some modeling. WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE WOMEN?!!? I’m constantly rolling my eyes at women who are like, “I’m gonna go on The Bachelor!” You’re going on The Bachelor? YOU? Rachel from Livingston, New Jersey? The one who won’t go out on a Friday because her PR job is too stressful??! The one whose dad pays the rent but she pays for everything else? I’m sorry honey. It’s not happening. To get on the show in 2020, you need a life that could be the premise of a Hallmark movie. So unless you’re a former magazine editor who got left on her honeymoon and had to move back to her hometown in Bumf*ck, Middle America to live with a sassy mom and a cute niece who lost her parents in a helicopter incident, then you NEED NOT APPLY. Good luck on JSwipe.

Alexa

Alexa is a 27-year-old esthetician from Chicago whose bio says she “made a big change” by moving to the city six years ago, after ending a seven-year relationship with her high school sweetheart. Women are so good at making normal life stuff sound like it was a big deal. You mean to tell me that you moved to a major city at 21?!!? Nobody does that!! And you broke up with someone you met when you were 14?!!?! UMM WHAT?!!?! Did you also have some years when you felt awkward around the time you were 13-15??! Are you an introvert who is sometimes an extrovert who likes to go on adventures?!!? I bet if you asked her “high school sweetheart” about Alexa he’d be like, “That chick who gave me my first blowjob? Ya we hooked up for a bit. Heard she’s going on The Bachelor.”

Courtney

Courtney’s bio says she’s a “Florida girl through and through.” What does that even mean? Does she hang out in Publix parking lots while a guy in cargo shorts yells from an old Toyota Camry about his boat? A “Florida girl through and through” sounds like an insult. Like, you’d be at the beach and say, “Look at that Florida girl” and then your friend would chime in like, “THROUGH AND THROUGH” right before a leathery woman humming “Despacito” walked by in a Florida State crop top and a straw cowboy hat.

Deandra

Sometimes these bios are just an eye opening look as to how far apart men and women are on the subject of relationships. Deandra is 23 and her bio says, “Deandra has been in one serious relationship in her life and is ready to find her forever.” There isn’t one 23-year-old guy on Earth who is “ready to find his forever.” The guy you’re speaking with on a dating app doesn’t even know what he’s doing next week. He started the conversation messaging, “What are you looking for on here” with the hopes that you’ll magically say, “To blow you, of course!!” He’s ready to find his four minutes at 2am.

Eunice

Hannah Ann

Hannah Ann is a model who lives at home with her parents. She’s also described as a “talented painter and loves to dabble in interior decorating.” No. Nope. If you’re living at home you can’t call yourself a model, painter, or interior decorator like that’s a real job. It’s like the people who put the red pin in their Instagram bio with “NYC|LA|Cleveland.” You don’t have three homes. You went to New York for an internship, took a trip to LA once, and you live with your parents in Cleveland while working the front desk at a Crunch Fitness. Hannah Ann is hot and maybe she’ll be a model or the next Picasso. But right now she’s someone with way too many Instagram followers because of some great beach pictures who likes to finger paint in the playroom her mom decorated with pillows from Kohl’s.

Jade

Jade is a Mormon who got married young and then divorced at 22, who claims to host the best game night in town. Jade isn’t winning. I don’t think Peter “I f*cked four times and probably didn’t make Hannah cum but she said it felt really good” Weber is going from 100k DMs to playing scrabble in Utah.

Jasmine

Jasmine’s profile reads pretty normal. She’s Vietnamese, so there will definitely be some sort of profile on her family and a tearful message about immigration on the first episode. The only part that gets weird is where it says, “Jasmine’s best friend is her golden retriever, Gnarles Barkley.” That’s one of those tidbits that you’d hear on a date and be like, “Lol that’s cute, I love dogs. But who do you really hang out with?” And then they’re like “No. My dog is my best friend.” And you’re like “Oh I know. I love dogs! But like, what person do you hang with most?” And then they’re like “OH SO YOU HATE DOGS?!” And you’re like “I just want to know if you have any human friends. This should be an easy answer. Just say a name. Wendy. Say Wendy and I’ll move on.” And then it gets quiet and the only thing heard is the sipping of drinks and you’re thinking, “I’m definitely not going to date her but I’ll still try and have sex.”

Jenna

Jenna is going to do well on this show because she doesn’t really need the show. She’s a 22-year-old nursing student from Chicago. What’s going to happen if she gets sent home? Nothing. She’ll go back to Chicago and hook up with badly dressed dudes who think their Notre Dame degree is impressive. The 22-year-old students ALWAYS have the advantage. Nothing is hotter than coming onto a show to “see what happens” when a bunch of women are there to “find their forever.” Jenna is going to be like, “Ya Peter is pretty cute I guess” and then get into bed thinking about the TikTok she’s going to make while a 27-year-old contestant stays up all night wondering if Peter also noticed their weird hug.

Kiarra

Kiarra is a 23-year-old nanny who says she would pick napping over any other activity and is looking for “someone who is willing to find my car keys when I lose them once a week.” Let’s hope Kiarra does well on the show because this bio isn’t helping her nannying career at all. Oh, you like to nap and lose track of your belongings on a weekly basis?! Please take care of my toddler who needs ear drops every hour. I don’t think these bad habits will get any better when Kiarra gets 50k Instagram followers for being on the show.

Katrina

The opening of Katrina’s bio could haunt any woman’s dreams for the next few years. Trigger warning!!

“Katrina’s parents are high school sweethearts that have been together for 40 years. Her younger brother is marrying his high school sweetheart next April, and her younger sister will probably get engaged soon to her serious boyfriend. Katrina’s the last one left and, according to her mom, Katrina needs to settle down soon because ‘her biological clock is ticking.'”

I’m sure a lot of you passed out at “younger sister will probably get engaged soon”, but you get the point. Katrina is 28, but I’m sure she feels 76 on this show. I mean, the last girl is a nanny who loves napping and social media. Katrina probably yells at Instagram on a daily basis and hasn’t slept since her mom bought her that dying egg countdown clock. Let’s all say a prayer for Katrina tonight and hope that she at least gets a sponsored post out of this whole thing.

Kelley

Kelley’s bio says she’s a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her. Then it says that she is an attorney at her dad’s law firm and you remember that she’s going on a TV show to compete against 29 other women for one man. So why don’t we stop with all the dramatics, Kelley? You could’ve just said you were an attorney and we’d all be like “wow, she’s not an aspiring butt model?! This is the type of woman we want to win this show!” But then you had to scream your feminism from a rooftop your dad pays the rent on, and now we’re all pretty positive you’re one of those people who take month-long December vacations while posting about people’s privilege.

Kelsey

Kelsey is a professional clothier in Iowa. My favorite Bachelor tradition is people taking their very normal jobs and dressing them up in a word that’s a lie. I actually had to look up “clothier” and it’s defined as, “a person or company that makes, sells, or deals in clothes or cloth.” There’s no such thing as a “Clothier” in Iowa. You work at a Dress Barn, Kelsey. You’re not a clothier. You help moms find the fitting room to see if the sweater with a cat on it fits. I’m excited for Kelsey to get booted from the show and start calling herself a “Remote Masturbation Assistant” on Instagram.

Kylie

Kylie is an entertainment sales associate from Santa Monica. I don’t know what that job is either. Does she just cold call people saying that she’s selling entertainment? I’m going to assume this is what it’s like to be hot. You can just say a job that doesn’t exist and people are like, “Yup! You sell the entertainment! Sounds good! Now please let me be seen next to you.”

Here’s how hot Kylie is: her bio says “the last time a guy tried to kiss her, she turned away and blamed it on not wanting to ruin her makeup.” That guy didn’t listen to a word of the date. He misread the situation so badly that she had to blame her makeup to avoid kissing. He’s probably reading this bio in shock. Sitting at home like, “WAIT THAT WAS A LIE?!? Is that why she hasn’t answered the 15 times I DMed, “Hey!?”

Lauren

Lauren’s bio says that “her father and grandfather have been great examples of what husbands should be to a woman.” This is one of those things that women say a lot without any admission to the fact that their dad and grandfather were great to her mom and grandma but probably an ass to someone else’s mom and grandmother. Right now there’s an 80-year-old woman reading that bio like, “Ricky!?!? A great example?!? That asshole took me to the school dance, told me he was looking to get serious, and then ghosted after we had sex. Ricky is a good example of a guy who doesn’t go down on a bitch!”

Lexi

Lexi is a 26-year-old marketing coordinator from NYC who “believes that dating as a redhead is hard.” That might be the most hilarious way to make yourself the victim that I’ve ever heard. I just imagine Lexi at brunch with a bunch of friends and one is like, “As an Asian woman, I feel like I’m fetishized” and another is like, “As a black woman, I feel like I’m unfairly portrayed as being difficult” and then Lexi is like, “Oh you guys have it easy, I’m a redhead who has the financial ability to leave my job for a few months to be on a TV show! You guys could never understand!! Do you know how much shampoo costs!?”

Madison

Madison is a 23-year-old foster parent recruiter who says she’s “looking for a man who will prioritize faith and family before everything else,” and if she were stranded on an island and could only bring one book, it would be The Bible. Every season there’s a crop of “God People,” and it never makes sense to me. I just can’t understand how The Bachelor became a real option to this community. Like, the only way to find a good man is to go on Christian Mingle or on TV to compete against someone named Celeste who hates drama.

I just imagine Madison getting sent off by her church. She’s like, “BYE everyone!!” And they’re like, “GOOD LUCK!!! DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR!!! READ THE BIBLE BY THE POOL!! IF A MAN DATES 30 WOMEN AT ONCE WE’RE COOL WITH IT BUT IF YOU EXPERIMENT WITH ANY OF THE OTHER FEMALE CONTESTANTS IT WON’T BE LOOKED AT KINDLY IN THE AFTERLIFE!!! BYE!!! GOOD LUCK!!!”

Maurissa

Maurissa is a 23-year-old Patient Care Coordinator who broke up with her boyfriend who wasn’t ready to get married, moved to Atlanta, and lost 80 pounds. To me, Maurissa has already won The Bachelor. Going onto this show after losing 80 pounds is the post-breakup dream. If I were Maurissa, I’d step out of the limo wearing a bikini and heels, put Peter over my shoulders, do three squats, and then blow a kiss to the camera. Then, as I’m walking away, they’d get a shot of my butt where, “Still Juicy Though” is stitched in glitter. Maurissa has already gotten enough DMs from guys who didn’t look twice at her in high school to make anything that happens on the show gravy.

Megan

Megan is 26-year-old flight attendant from San Francisco. Ok, that’s the third flight attendant this season. This is obviously because Peter’s a pilot and there’s some sort of unrealistic fantasy some viewers might have of him and his future wife flying the friendly skies together. The reality is that they’re probably at different airlines with different benefits programs that they’ve already paid into for a few years, so they’ll never see one another. But no! Some older woman in Wisconsin wants to say, “Isn’t that cute!!” So we got to try and ruin two people’s lives.

This is like when older Jewish women fix up any two Jews. They don’t think of personality matches or whether the person is even up for a date. Just “You’re a Jew, she’s a Jew, go make more Jews. Oh, she has a drug problem and he’s afraid of commitment? Who cares!! You both had themed Bar Mitzvahs at 13 years old, so it’ll all work out!!”

Mykenna

Mykenna is a 22-year-old fashion blogger from Langley, BC, Canada. Here’s a line from her bio:

“She is super close to her parents and is constantly inspired by her grandparents’ love, which makes sense, as they were together for 61 years and her grandpa proposed to her grandma on their first date.”

That job combined with the quote from her bio is just one continuous lie that we all have to nod our heads at. There’s no such thing as someone making their living as a 22-year-old fashion blogger without the last name Jenner or Kardashian. You didn’t apply to some blog and move to the fashion mecca of Langley, Canada to comment on the varying Canadian tuxedo trends of the year. You’re super close with your parents because you literally live super close to them, like the room next door. And grandpa proposed date one because there weren’t a lot of options in the woods of Canada, so it was between her and a caribou. Mykenna will do well on this show due to pure naïveté and delusion.

Natasha

Natasha is a 31-year-old event planner from NYC. She’s the oldest on the show. I honestly can’t imagine going on this show after the age of 30. And it’s really not about 30 being old (it isn’t), it’s about 24 being really young. There are 13 women coming on the show who are 24 and younger. Above 30 and below 25 are two different species. Ask someone who’s 24 to give you a food or bar recommendation and it’s all about quantity. A bar with more people or a dinner that costs less money. Ask someone above 30 and it’s all about quality. A bar with comfortable seats or a dinner with a really good tapas selection. Going into a house of 13 people under the age of 24 who are talking about their love of travel even though the only place they’ve been is Nashville (where they spent half the time puking on Broadway in between sharing nachos) sounds like a 30-year-old’s hell. I wish you luck, Natasha. GODSPEED.

Payton

Payton is a 23-year-old business development rep who is very hot and has a bio that says, “Payton is not afraid of talking to strangers. In fact, she enjoys it!” Hot women who say stuff like “I love talking to strangers” are the worst to date. You’ll be out with them and suddenly they’re talking to the guy in line at the movie theater and you’ll be like, “What’s going on?!” and they’ll be like, “Meet my new friend Frank. He’s a pro bodybuilder!” And you’ll be like, “Umm cool.” And she’ll be like, “He does some porn on the side too but it’s to travel the world, isn’t that awesome!?” And you’ll be like “Nice to meet you Frank.” And the guy will shake your hand while holding eye contact with her and afterwards she’ll be like, “You were acting so weird” and end the relationship because you’re controlling.

Sarah

Sarah is a 24-year-old Medical Radiographer whose bio says, “Sarah may be a Southern belle, but she dreams of a life outside Tennessee.” There is no narrative more played-out than the “Southern Belle” one. This isn’t 1932. She dreams of a life outside of Tennessee? Delta flies out of every major city in your state for $250 and the WiFi is the same in NYC as it is in the south. I like people from the south, but it seems like women use the phrase Southern Belle to make any normal thing sound more interesting; “Oh you’ve never had Chick-Fil-A?! Well this little southern belle loves her sauces. Northerners could never understand honey mustard!”

Savannah

Savannah is a 27-year-old realtor from Houston whose bio says “used to have a cancer ribbon tattoo on her ribs, but removed it for the Houston Texans cheer tryouts.” I don’t know how that comes up in the interview. Were they like, “Hey, how far would you go for Peter?” and Savannah was like, “You know the disease that affects millions of lives around the world? Well I used to support that until it was down to me and a former stripper to dance during Texans timeouts for a hundred bucks. So ya… I’ll do anything.”

Shiann

Shiann is a 27-year-old administrative assistant from Las Vegas. You start to understand why people cry on The Bachelor when you read Shiann’s bio. At one point it says, “Falling in love has been difficult in the past for Shiann because every guy she’s dated either ended up ghosting her, having a wife and kids, or liking her friends over her, but we have a feeling it’s only happy times ahead.” Why on Earth would anyone believe that it’s only happy times ahead?! Someone tells you that guys they date go for her friends and you’re like, “Well I’m positive things are looking up!! Just walk into this mansion and compete with 29 other women for this one guy who has trouble making women orgasm!!”

Sydney

Sydney is a 24-year-old retail marketing manager from Alabama. Sydney’s bio says that she’s a relationship type of girl and her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and that her dream man will have a sweet tooth just like her. I think answers like those should disqualify you from this show. Has she heard of Thanksgiving? Your dream guy has to like cupcakes? What about someone who listens? Putting a relationship person whose favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day on a show where they put you on dates you’ll never be able to afford again is like buying your 16-year-old a Maserati. She’ll get to her first Tinder date after the show and she’ll be like, “WHAT?! No helicopter ride to a rose petal covered forest for afternoon champagne?!”

Tammy

Tammy is a 24-year-old house flipper from Syracuse whose bio says she “comes from a hardworking family that immigrated over to Syracuse during the Vietnam War.” I can’t imagine their daughter being on The Bachelor was their American Dream. I can’t see them hopping on the last flight out of Vietnam, hugging one another while nervously crying about what adventures will come next as the dad whispers into the mom’s ear, “In America, our children can one day scream at a blonde girl from Utah for using her hair iron.”

Victoria F

Victoria F. is a 25-year-old medical sales rep from Virginia Beach who says she “loves a man who is in touch with his feelings and isn’t afraid to cry in public.” This is one of those things women say they like until it happens. Like, Victoria F. wants that one tear falling down a guy’s cheek that has just enough scruff to look like he could be the Brawny Man. She doesn’t want me messy crying while trying on pants that don’t fit at a Bloomingdale’s as a salesperson asks, “How are those feeling!?” All I’m saying is careful what you wish for, Victoria F.

Victoria P

Victoria P. is really hot. Her bio says something about losing her dad at a young age and her sister and mom having a drug thing, yada yada yada. But wow. Victoria P was hot enough for me to say to my girlfriend, “Look how hot she is” and for her to respond, “Ya. She’s hot.” When you’re hot enough for men and women to agree on your hotness, that means you’re a year away from two million Instagram followers. Women follow you because they like your style, and men follow you because they like to watch you but never like your posts. Remember this a year from now when you’re listening to Victoria P’s podcast called Vibing With Vicky, where she laughs really loud with other, not as hot, former Bachelor contestants about how hard it is to date in LA.

Images: ABC (31)