I never thought I’d say this, but like the Boys II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye” to The Bachelor Season 23. Yes, a season where we allowed a 26-year-old man to put us under Citizens Arrest for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. Men and women canceled their new years resolutions in exchange for arguments with their TV and beating boxed wine to its expiration date. But hey, all good things must come to an end, right? Let’s hope one of them is this virginity talk. Let’s see how the two-night finale, that could’ve been an email, shook out.

Chris Harrison (dressed like a hearse driver) decides to rip the scab off that had began to heal by starting Monday’s finale with a recap of the season. Why put us through this pain AGAIN? You’ve already done it to us every Monday of 2019. For those that didn’t see every Monday episode, you still have more brain cells than the rest of us, and your IQ isn’t a single digit. But here’s a snippet of what you missed: Boy starts out with 30 women to date him, all but six Irish exit. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

We pick back up with Colton post-fence jump storming down the street because Domino’s Portugal is about to close in 5 minutes. (I understand his rage, because with no phone, you can’t call Postmates). After the producers find Colton via his Life Alert necklace, he screams at them: “I’m done. Done with the whole thing!” The response would make you think someone just asked him, “Are you finished with your vegetables?,” but no, Colton was referring to his time as The Bachelor. One of the producers gives him a big hug, consoles him, and whispers: “We got a show to produce, we already prepaid these dates, so you better love somebody.” After finding out that if he cancels the season, he’s financially responsible for the cost of the remaining dates, he changes his tune.

After a good night’s sleep on a twin extra long mattress, Colton decides to pay Tayshia a visit because she’s the only one with English channels on her TV. After he tells her that he’s only capable of loving one thing (which is a lie, I love Cinnabon and I love the color gray) she asks to speak to him without the cameras. This was probably the most upset I’ve been all season, because all seven-foot-twelve of Colton breaks out into tears, and we don’t get to see any of it. Just like that, Tayshia is now gone, and back to Orange County trying to get on a reboot of the MTV show The Hills.

Nighttime falls, and Colton goes to visit Hannah G. who has been locked in a hotel room since before indoor plumbing was a thing. She’s super excited to tell Colton “I love you,” when all he plans on telling her is, “Your gate # is E15 back to Alabama.” Colton tries to communicate that he really thinks that they could be great together, and even tells her at one point: “I thought it was gonna be you.” Well I’m pretty sure she was thinking the same thing when you had your tongue near her pancreas in Thailand, but hey, things change.

At this point of the finale, Hannah G. comes out to show the post-Bachelor glow-up, and lets Colton have it in the most eloquent way possible. She pretty much lets him know, “What Cassie did to you, you did to me.” You can tell that was a prepared statement because she had it written on her hand like the answers to a high school Spanish test. Bachelor alums Ben Higgins, Blake, Garrett, and Jason come out to discuss what’s going on right now, but I really think they’re only there because Colton owes them money and keeps rejecting their Venmo requests. PAY UP, COLTON.

One thing to not be forgotten is that in this way-too-long-finale, Cassie says, “Colton wants a wife and family, and I’m not ready for that.” I’m pretty sure that’s the FIRST question on the Bachelor/Bachelorette application that we fill out.

Question 1: Are you ready to be married? If yes, proceed to question 2. If no, what the hell are you doing here?

Cassie: “Colton wants a life and a family, and I’m not ready for that.”

Umm Cassie…what show did you think you were going on, The Price is Right???#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 12, 2019

In another attempt to live life with fewer brain cells, we subject ourselves to another two hours that could’ve been a voicemail on Tuesday. Colton realizes that he missed his flight home, and since the next flight to the Americas isn’t for another 48 hours, he might as well go to Home Depot, get some kneepads, and beg for his girl back. Colton shows up at Cassie’s hotel unannounced, with no gifts, no flowers, no nothing. This shows the lack of commitment here, because my 30 years of experience with women on this earth tells me if you at LEAST show up with hummus, they’ll at bare minimum listen to you.

After being forced out of her room by production, Colton tells Cassie that he sent Tayshia and Hannah home, to which she laughs in his face, and says how weird/crazy he is. Let’s set the record straight. Colton may be one thing, but he’s not weird! Definitely is crazy though, because I’ve seen him go several minutes without blinking, and that in itself should be enough for him to have to wear one of those jackets that make you hug yourself.  Colton continues to beg like a toddler at bedtime, and Cassie decides to meet his family in Spain get another free first class trip.

Cassie meets the family, and I can already tell that Momma Colton wants to beat Cassie’s ass for showing up empty-handed. Colton and his mother talk and she expresses her concerns, and Colton wants to hear none of it because, like finding Michelle Obama’s book at the library, there are no options left. Colton’s dad probably calls it how it is the most, telling Colton, “I just think you want what you can’t have.” I think this is probably true, and makes sense why I want Meghan Markle so much because she hasn’t returned any of my calls.

After convincing her to not reject him on TV again, Colton and Cassie enjoy their final date in Portugal. They take a nice ride in a Jeep and rappel down a cliff to Yogi Bear & Boo Boo’s leftover picnic basket. The love that Colton has for this girl is evident because he does all of this in dress shoes, which makes me think that the $2 shoe rental I paid at rock climbing last week was complete BS. During the picnic, Cassie begins to have a little bit of a deeper convo, and tells Colton she’s scared of a relationship controlling your life. Again, I ask: “WHAT SHOW DID YOU SIGN UP FOR?” Thinking a relationship controls your life is as narrow-minded as thinking that the cartoon roadrunner is ever going to get caught. Not. Gonna Happen.

Cassie thinks being in a relationship is a risk. That’s not a risk.

A risk is doing the “running of the bulls” with a steak tied to your ass.#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 13, 2019

At the night portion of the final date, Cassie and Colton have the weirdest interaction possible. It’s just weird because he won’t stop smiling, and she can’t get this “WTF are you smiling at?” look off her face. After saying that she’s open to a Costco sized bag of relationship, Cassie and Colton head to the fantasy suite. Like a boy who’s excited to play Nintendo for the first time, Colton kicks everyone out the room so he can take off Cassie’s “wrapping.” By all indications, there was some ACTION that night. Cassie’s hair looked like she slept in the dryer on “Tumble.” At the after show, Colton wouldn’t confirm that he now knows what the inside of a condom wrapper looks like, but given the fact that he pranced to the hot seat, we can only guess that he did the deed.

The end of the show reveals that Hannah B. will be our new Bachelorette, which also means the amount of teeth you’re going to see on your screen in the coming months will drastically increase.

This has been a tiring, and tumultuous season, and I never thought I’d wish someone got laid more than me.

Images: Giphy (3); diggymoreland / Twitter (2)

Presented by

Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! After suffering through 10 long weeks of Colton’s season, the end is practically in sight. And by “practically in sight” I mean we will be held hostage for another FOUR HOURS, during which I’m sure ABC will air approximately 12 minutes of new content. Fun!!

Now, when last we left off, Colton had fled The Bachelor property and taken to the streets of Portugal, where Chris Harrison was trying to lure him out from behind a bush with some leftover bacon. (I paraphrase.) This temporary loss of sanity was caused by Cassie, who had decided earlier in the evening that she couldn’t fake it with Colton for one more second (I deeply resonate with this sentiment). She dumped him mere minutes after he finished getting their fantasy suite ready by lighting every candle from Bath & Body Works “sensual” collection, and strategically hiding an entire box worth of condoms in every nook and cranny of that room. The last we see of Colton is this:

Damn, that never gets old.

Chris starts things off this week by declaring that the last episode featured the “jump heard round the world.” Lol. Okay, Chris. Laying it on a little thick here, aren’t we? We then jump into a montage of the “drama” from this season because I guess ABC is really only going to show seven minutes of new footage for every 45 we sit through of Chris saying things like “lost in the dark Portuguese countryside.”

We are now 8 minutes in and, after only two commercial breaks, we finally get to see some new stuff from this season. Blessings. Omg YOU GUYS they are calling for Colton like he is a goddamn dog. I can’t. They’re like “Colton! Come back! Heel!” Hey! If ruining people’s lives as a producer on a reality TV show doesn’t work out for them, at least they could all go in on a doggie daycare center.

I love that Chris is just hanging back at the fantasy suites while production is out scouring the streets of Portugal. He did his obligatory five minutes of searching, and now he wants to get back to his cucumber massage, and is content to just wait for Colton to call.

Cut to production who are like “should we check that bush again??” SHOULD WE CHECK THAT BUSH. I’m squealing so much in my apartment that my dog just got up to move to a different room. You guys, you can’t write this sh*t!! (But if Mike Fleiss did, then he deserves a goddamn Emmy.)

Production continues to check every large bush they encounter, all the while acting like this is Bird Box, and they’re risking their lives to find him. Just because the camera pans to a stray patch of weeds doesn’t make me believe you’re navigating through the dark underbelly of Portugal, ABC!

Production finally spots a lone, dark figure walking in an abandoned alley, and it’s Colton!! I don’t know why they seem so shocked to find him walking the exact path that leads off the property. It’s wild.

Oh, looks like they’ve dragged Chris Harrison away from his glass of Merlot once again, because suddenly he’s jumping out of a moving van and rushing after Colton. You guys, I’m dying. Chris is running after Colton, and he’s so out of breath from jogging the five steps from the van to Colton’s side that I can barely understand what he’s saying.

CHRIS HARRISON: What part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?

CHRIS ARE YOU SERIOUS. The kid just got emotionally castrated on national f*cking television. What part of tonight wouldn’t make him want to take his chances on the streets of a foreign country?

Also, you know Chris is counting this as overtime. He’s calculating time and a half in his head right now every time Colton’s chin wobbles.

COLTON: Whatever, this makes me stronger.
ALSO COLTON:

Also, I love that Colton’s virginity is STILL the priority after that all of this has gone down. We cut back to the present where Chris is like “that was hard to see, but do we think he’ll still lose his virginity?” Well those tears certainly won’t help with that endeavor, Chris! Maybe show another shot of him showering, because airing this sh*t is doing nothing for our libidos.

Back in Portugal, it’s the morning after the fence jump, and Chris shows up at Colton’s door. Chris is like “I’ve never seen anything like that, mostly because the iron-clad contract contestants sign make sure that doesn’t happen…”

Chris is still trying to salvage the season and Colton is not having it. I love that he’s like “You could just try sleeping with Hannah G and see if that makes you feel better?” So subtle, Chris. So. Subtle.

I will say, Chris Harrison is saying everything that I’ve mumbled to my television screen as I’ve watched this entire season. He asks Colton if it’s every crossed his pea-sized mind that maybe Cassie isn’t into him and Colton is like “BUT I LOVE HER.” Yes, well these are literally things I scream at any dog who passes me by, but it doesn’t mean sh*t.

Tayshia’s One-On-One Dumping

Colton shows up at Tayshia’s hotel, and I think we all know what’s going to happen here. He declared very ominously five minutes prior to this meeting “I know what I have to do,” and I don’t think it’s he’s gonna bang one out with Tayshia to get back at Cassie.

Omg. He looks so unhinged rn. If I were Tayshia I would not walk out of that hotel room with him. I would shut the door right in his shiny face. Colton proceeds to try and dump her, and it’s more painful than watching Cassie find the words for “my daddy told me to dump you.” Like, Colton, don’t claw your own eyes out like that!

Okay, Tayshia is taking this extremely well. Why isn’t she saying anything??

Tayshia asks if they can “talk” without all the cameras and of course those vultures still film every word despite the fact that they’re hiding out in a utility closet together. All of a sudden, we just hear uncontrolled sobbing from the other side of the door and LOL IS THAT COLTON?! Well, if Tayshia was having any second thoughts about the breakup, I’m sure the sound of her ex wailing is certainly helping with that.

OH GOD. Are they seriously going to do her After The Final Rose right now?? In the middle of the goddamn episode?

ABC: I know! Let’s make the finale two nights and intersperse After The Final Rose with it. It’ll be a fun way to finish the season!!
ME:

Chris Harrison brings out Tayshia and she looks amazing. I’m really loving the highlights. She looks better than Colton anyways, who decided that to face off with his ex he’d show up looking like a young Taylor Lautner in Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

It’s uncanny.

I love how Tayshia keeps trying to make it sound like they had such a deep connection. She’s like “we had a lot of FIRSTS together, we did so many things together for the FIRST time.” Yeah, just because you pushed him out of an airplane before anyone else had the chance doesn’t mean he actually loved you! Honestly, Tayshia definitely dodged a bullet, and she’ll probably have better luck on Ship anyway.

Hannah G’s One On One Dumping

Next on the chopping block is Hannah G. Colton heads to her hotel room, where production has just unplugged Hannah G from the wall and taken her off hibernation mode. Oh god, y’all. Hannah G is sitting in her room writing in her diary about how much she loves Colton, and little does she know he’s about to tell her that he doesn’t even want to go on another date, let alone sleep with her!

HANNAH G: I didn’t expect this.
COLTON: I didn’t expect this either because I wasn’t aware that girls could just dump me on my own goddamn season, but here we are.

Okay, WHY is he telling her that she reminds him of home and that he thought it would be her in the end? That’s so messed up. He’s saying anything he can think of so she won’t blame him, and I’m disgusted.

I love that she’s not letting him off the hook and that she’s calling him out rn. YASSSS. DRAG HIS ASS, BITCH. Colton has the AUDACITY to act annoyed that she’s upset by all of this. He’s like “I know this sucks but what about me??”

Back in real time, Hannah G looks like she’s actively trying not to commit a homicide on live television. I will say, she looks amazing. While Tayshia showed up to After The Final Rose dressed in the night one “I’m the new Bachelorette” dress, Hannah G went with the classic revenge dress. Yes, honeyyyy. 

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Hannah Godwin wearing NBD on The Bachelor #thebachelor #bachelorfinale Shopping info on www.starstyle.com

A post shared by Star Style (@starstylecom) on Mar 11, 2019 at 7:01pm PDT

Okay, she looks piiiiissed and I’m so here for it. It’s the most emotion I’ve seen in her vacant doll eyes all season,, and I’m THRILLED it’s murderous rage.

CHRIS: Do you have any questions for Colton?
HANNAH:

Honestly, she’s not wrong to call him out on his sh*t. He’s giving her the blanket breakup statement that he just gave Tayshia as if she wasn’t backstage listening to him give it.

Lol. I love how Hannah is like “I’m completely over him,” and then demands to know if he ever thinks about “What if?” Sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is trying to throw lighter fluid on the bonfire that is their relationship. He’s like “Did you ever think about having that last one-on-one with Hannah G?” CHRIS. This girl is already seconds away from clawing out Colton’s eyes! Maybe you should try and diffuse the situation just this once?

30 Minutes Of ABC Wasting My Time:

Chris Harrison comes back from the commercial break and declares that this is the “first time in Bachelor history where there are no women left on this show.” Chris, you petty bitch.

The last 30 minutes of the episode is ABC’s fun social experiment to see how far they can push an audience without inciting a full-blown riot. They bring out rejects from past seasons to kill time, and also to show Colton that even if things don’t work out for him on the love front, ABC will bring him back year after year and make him keep reliving it. So sweet of them.

Omg. These people are RUTHLESS with Colton and his new hair. Like, he just had to get publicly dragged by his exes, and now you’re going to come for his haircut too? Low blow, boys. Also, Ben, you’re feeling far too cocky for someone who had to slide into some rando’s DMs in order to get a date…

ABC takes pity on us eight minutes from the end of the episode and decides to show us some new footage. It’s the least ABC could do for us, really. We cut back to Colton’s last days in Portugal. He’s looking very solemn about the fact that we’ve made it to the end of this and he still has a hymen. Sad!

Colton tells the cameras that he’s not leaving here without Cassie, while the camera pans to Cassie packing her bags as if she does not have a care in the f*cking world.

COLTON: I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I love Cassie that much.
CASSIE: I can’t wait for my family to see all my cute vacation pics!!

Annnd that’s where the episode ends. Seriously. They aren’t going to show us if Cassie even opens the door for Colton because they’re holding that footage hostage until tomorrow f*cking night. Bravo, ABC. Bravo. Chris Harrison even has the audacity to say we shouldn’t shoot him, he’s just the messenger. Like, I will kill you, Chris. Don’t tempt me with a good time.

And on that note, I’m out, betches! See you tomorrow where we’ll find out if, after all of this, Colton is somehow able to reclaim his dignity. Spoiler alert: he won’t.

Images: ABC (2); Giphy (6); @starstylecom /Instagram

We have made it to week nine, and I can’t believe it’s taken more than two months for us to reach the high point of this season. No, not referring to a proposal, I’m referring to a fence jump that we all could EASILY see if we watched any episode of COPS. The fact that we’ve been waiting this long to see Colton jump over something that’s shorter than his stack of expired Trojans boggles my mind. Let’s see if it lived up to the hype…

Monday’s episode kicks off with Chris Harrison and Colton sitting on the steps of the house from Forrest Gump, where Colton is requesting sleeping bags to be present in the unavoidable and dreaded fantasy suites. After telling him “We can’t do that, but I’ll look into bunk beds,” Chris settles Colton’s nerves and reassures him that it’s just like riding a bike. Yea, but this 20-something-year-old’s bike needs training wheels.

As a last attempt to gain platinum status on United, Colton and the three remaining girls pack their bags and head to Portugal. Realizing that this may be the country where he loses his virginity, Colton takes several selfies in order to compare ‘Before’ and ‘After’ look. Spoiler alert: you look the same after having sex. But who’s going to have a shot at stealing his V-card first? Tayshia, you’re up to bat.

As Tayshia is walking through the streets of Portugual looking for the nearest payphone to arrange a getaway car, she stumbles upon Colton, and realizes that she might as well go on this date. After seeing that Colton has an Enterprise Helicopter key, her mood perks up. For those keeping track at home, this is the third time they’ve been in the air together. Bungee jumping, skydiving, and now a helicopter. (Air Colton > Ground Colton, apparently.) After talking about Portugal’s chief exports (don’t watch if you’re narcoleptic, as this date is sleep-inducing), they land, and then head to a cliff to enjoy a picnic with a view. Except they don’t. That picnic basket is emptier than Chick-Fil-A on Sundays. Because making out on a cliff is too cliché, they head to a lighthouse, where kissing is not only welcomed, but encouraged.

Wardrobe change, aka, night date time! Tayshia and Colton chat over dinner about her previous marriage, and how she divorced him because he refused to put the toilet seat down. (Statistics show that this is the cause of 80% of divorces.) Sticking with the week one storyline, Colton continues to talk about what could be about to happen in the next couple of hours, and how he’s open to it. The whole date, he continues to say: “I appreciate you.” Colton, Colton, Colton. This is where you say: “I love you.” You say: “I appreciate you” to someone who bails you out of jail, or to a friend who buys you a drink because you left your credit card at the bar the night before.

Upon opening the fantasy suite card, we see two things. 1. That Chris Harrison writes in Comic Sans and 2. This boy is nervous! Tayshia takes Colton up on the invite to the suite, and Here. We. Go. In the background, they have the soundtrack to Aladdin playing, and you just know it’s about to be “A Whole New World.” Except it wasn’t. By all indications of how Tayshia woke up the next morning, that bed definitely had a pillow wall between the two. There are “after sex” cues that should be visible the next morning, and Tayshia had none of them. She looked upset, hair was fresh from the beauty salon, and she was still wearing her belt from last night. According to my math, adding all those things up equates to no sex in the champagne room. If the deed was done, Tayshia would’ve woken up dehydrated, hair in ponytail, and stumbling around the apartment butt-ass naked looking for pancake mix. Verdict? Virginity still intact.

Realizing that Cassie has been twiddling her thumbs for 48 hours straight, Colton makes his way to pick her up in a Model-T Ford from the 1860s. After spending some time walking around town, dancing with Portuguese mistresses, and trying to fight his way into the friendzone, Cassie and Colton sit to reflect about hometowns. He tells her, “I could really see myself being a part of your family,” and she responds with, “I like string cheese.” To be fair, who doesn’t? But Cassie, come on, wrong place, wrong time. Cassie has not been emotionally available for Colton this entire season, and like his NFL career, it’s not going to happen anytime soon. Colton is really laying it on thick, but he does tell Cassie that her father didn’t give him his blessing. Cassie seems shocked, but I’ve seen better acting from a puppy in a PetsMart commercial. Not buying it.

In typical father fashion, Cassie’s dad shows up unannounced in the first ever Bachelor minivan to let her know “Just so you know, Colton is not invited to the cookout.” He lectures her about how you know when you love someone, and Cassie communicates that, like learning pre-calculus, she’ll get there eventually. The luggage-less father returns to the airport to fly home because he left his hazards on at LAX, and they don’t play around at Arrivals.

After the impromptu visit from her dad, Cassie has made the decision that since she’s paid LA rent for all these months, she’s going to go home and get her money’s worth. The night portion of the date is filmed in a Portuguese open house, and this is where the episode starts to be somewhat interesting. Colton continues to tell her he loves her, and Cassie dodges those bullets like 6^th grade dodgeball tournament.

How long are Cassie & Colton contractually obligated to sit on this IKEA living room set??#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 5, 2019

Transcript of Colton & Cassie’s Date:
Colton: “I love you.”
Cassie: “Portugal is amazing.”
Colton: “I hope I’m with you in the end.”
Cassie: “Bacon is my favorite!”
Colton: “I feel differently with you.”
Cassie: “Wool scarves makes me itch.”

Cassie tells him that she doesn’t think she can get there, but she wanted to tell him in person, because this is her favorite dress and she thinks America will love it too. He then throws every Hail Mary in the book, including “I think of you even when I’m with the other girls.” Cassie says “That’s cool and all, but can you drop me off at the airport?” Finding her own ride, Cassie leaves, and Colton heads back to his room…alone. Seeing that room service forgot to make him a towel swan for the day, he screams “I’M DONE!” and starts running. Production, stray dogs, and even Chris Harrison in his Patagonia quarter-zip (in the midst of his cucumber facial) chase Colton as he storms off the property. The only thing preventing him from leaving the property is this white fence, and Colton shows that, unlike the movie, white men CAN jump, and even gets a perfect score from the Russian judge on the landing. He sprints out into the Portuguese night, nowhere to be found. I mean, he has to return right? Not only does he have the only key to Hannah G.’s room, but continental breakfast on the property ends at 11am. Only time will tell…or the spoilers.

The Women Tell All

Before we get to find out if Colton even wants to know what Hannah G. is like in the third fantasy suite, these women get their last chance to solidify Instagram deals say their peace. As an only child, I’m not sure what growing up with siblings is like, but after seeing this, I’m DEFINITELY glad I didn’t grow up with a house full of sisters. With all these girls talking over each other, my Closed Captioning went into overdrive and knocked the power out of an entire Chicago city block.

Not gonna lie, when they introduced the cast, I was 100% sure that most of these people were paid actresses, since I don’t remember them AT all. They start off with Catherine, and she decides it’s too sunny in the studio, so she provides a few fellow cast members with some shade. I just wish someone would’ve commented on her pantsuit that would’ve made Roseanne jealous.

Nicole and Onyeka revisit their “feud,” and this is far from family-related. Onyeka proves that she wasn’t a bully by breaking down the Oxford definition, and Nicole proves that she’s a mime, because she doesn’t say sh*t. I actually feel bad for Nicole, because she’s trying to get a word in, but Onyeka’s mouth runs on diesel, so you know it’s not stopping soon.

The bomb that Katie dropped on her way out (“You have some people remaining not here for marriage”) is addressed and she mentions names this time: Caelynn and Cassie. Caelynn is the only one there to defend herself, and she does say she was there for the right reason, and that was to get sponsored by Crate & Barrel, because she’s too old to sit on IKEA furniture she can’t pronounce. Other girls pile on Katie’s side, and at the same time, are uninviting themselves to Caelynn’s C&B housewarming party in the process.

Demi vs. Courtney might be the best battle of the night. I wouldn’t call this World War 3, but more like, “Battle for the Last Pair of XS Lululemon Yoga Pants.” Demi comes out with several clapbacks, and Courtney sits there silent, not blinking, like she’s at an optometrist appointment. Courtney, can you read these letters on the chart: “U–R-Done.” After being called “bed bugs of the house,” Courtney puts her tail between her legs and retreats.

Hannah B. and Caelynn get their time to say their peace as well. Hannah B. says she’s still looking for someone to love her fiercely, but more importantly, ABC lets her redo her disaster of a toast, which is already better because she used actual words this time. Caelynn got to confront Colton about what really happened, and he pretty much told her he found out she still owed past due fees at Blockbuster, and he didn’t need anyone that irresponsible in his life in 2019.

Next week is the FINAL week, and then we get to return to life as normal. Wait, has someone let Hannah G. out of her room yet?!

Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @diggymoreland / Twitter

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap, people! ABC has been teasing all goddamn season that our favorite virgin who can’t drive would be jumping a fence at some point AND TONIGHT IS THAT NIGHT. Hold on to your rose, betches, because it’s finally happening! It’s been a dramatic few weeks for The Bachelor, what with Hometowns being last week and Colton’s virginity up for debate over a questionable Snapchat. For the record, I do think Colton’s a virgin (or at least v inexperienced), because only a virgin and 14-year-old boys trying to sound cool in a group chat would use the term “big tittied hoe.” Moving on. I’ve decided to make things interesting this week and drink every time I would jump a fence during one of these dates. Considering the three remaining women have the combined maturity of a baby’s rattle, I think we should start my funeral preparations now. Let’s get started!

This week starts off back at the last rose ceremony, with Colton asking Chris Harrison where he’s supposed to put it in. Jesus.

^^A deleted scene from this week’s episode!

Meanwhile, Colton just completely abandons the women in the other room. They’re like “I wonder what he wants to talk to Chris about?” and it’s like, don’t worry ladies! He’s only asking where a woman’s clit is—I’m sure he’ll figure it out by next week!

Colton heads back to the ladies to let them know that they’ll be going to Portugal this week for Fantasy Suites. Okay, the women look far too excited about the Fantasy Suites. They do realize that if Colton’s virginity story is actually to be believed, they’ll be lucky if he lasts through foreplay (assuming Chris Harrison even explained to him what that was).

Cut to a montage of all the women reminiscing on their good times with Colton. Cassie’s like, “It’s been an amazing journey” and then the camera pans to Colton grabbing her ass. I do love these producers sometimes. A+ cutting this episode!

TAYSHIA’S DATE:

First up this week is Tayshia, and I’ll be interested to see if Colton actually sleeps with her. I feel like he’s the most unsure about her, and I highly doubt he’s going to lose his virginity to a girl he’s unsure about. Plus, if there’s any girl he wants to put his dick in first it will be Cassie.

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Just when I thought our dates couldn’t get more adventurous…buckle up and tune in tonight ?✈️? #thebachelor

A post shared by TAYSHIA ADAMS? (@tayshiaaa) on Mar 4, 2019 at 5:01pm PST

For their date, they go on a romantic helicopter ride and honestly I’m bored. Tayshia’s not saying anything that makes me think Colton will sleep with her, but damn is she trying to.

TAYSHIA: So what else haven’t you done before?
COLTON: R u f*cking serious?

Okay, their banter makes me wish I was born without ears. Tayshia tells Colton that there are “ways to loosen that up” when he mentions his pants being too tight and she’s certainly referring to the obligatory hand job production told her she had to give him later tonight. You guys, the romance in the air tn, it’s unreal!

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton starts out the night by telling Tayshia he can see her boob tape, which is exactly what my senior year formal date told me about the deep-v Tobi dress I wore AND GUESS WHAT COLTON he didn’t get laid either! Jesus GOD. That is not how you woo a lady. Also, do we think she’s flashing him on purpose? Like as a subliminal message? “SLEEP WITH ME, PLEASE.”

I guess the boob tape didn’t work, because Colton tells her that he’s not ready to sleep with her just yet. He’s like “intimacy is a big step” and it’s like, he does realize he has to get engaged at the end of this right?

Damn. Tayshia is pulling out allllll the stops. After Colton tells her he’s not ready to sleep with her she tells him another sob story, because she knows there’s nothing that gets that guy harder than other people’s emotional duress.

TAYSHIA: I just have a lot of trust issues because my ex-husband cheated on me so…
COLTON: So I would never do that to you. I don’t even want to sleep with you right now!

Tayshia isn’t the only one pulling out all the stops, because this entire champagne scene must have been scripted in a writer’s room. They’ve got Colton over here talking about pressure to perform and then prematurely spraying champagne all over Tayshia. It’s a little heavy-handed, even for ABC.

Cut to the next morning and Tayshia’s like “that was interesting.” LOL. That’s not the way you wanna be described, Colton, I hate to say it! I love how Tayshia is trying to hard to make it seem like they did stuff last night and Colton keeps shutting it down by saying “it was a nice conversation.”

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I mean just ask @jordynwoods ….. ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #tv #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelornation #bachelorabc #meangirls #realitytvshow #realitytv #memes #funny #funnymemes #twitterquotes #funnytweets #redtabletalk #jordyn #khloekardashian #khloékardashian #khloe

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Yeahhh, she’s def going home this week. Better luck in Paradise, sweetie!

CASSIE’S DATE:

Cassie’s up next and I’m already alarmed by her outfit choice. Seriously, wtf are you wearing girlfriend? A turtleneck? On Fantasy Suite night?? The vibe she’s sending out rn is about as sexy as my period panties, but okay.

For their date, they amble around the town square and desecrate historical buildings by aggressively dry humping each other against them. I will say it’s pretty clear that Colton is only into Cassie at this point. A sweet old man tries to dance with her for a second, and Colton The Caveman is like “Hey that’s my girlfriend! My hands are on her ass and everything!”

They find a quiet spot overlooking the city to have a picnic, and watching them try to describe this breathtaking view with their limited vocabulary of “pretty” and “so cute” is making me want to throw this empty wine bottle at my TV screen.

COLTON: Did you think Portugal would be this pretty?
CASSIE: No, I had literally no idea. NONE. Nope. No.

THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE BOTH UNCULTURED SWINE. DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP.

Colton admits to Cassie that her dad didn’t give him his blessing for marriage and she’s acting like she just realized this will all end in a marriage proposal. I’m sorry, but is this your first time watching The Bachelor or something? Is it just me, or does it feel like Cassie is looking for any excuse she can to be eliminated this week? First with the turtleneck, and now with the sudden passion for family values. I can’t.

CASSIE: I’ve never been this confused about something this big

Sweetie, it’s a fake TV engagement. It’s not that big of a deal.

OMG WHAT. Cassie’s dad, who looks less like a father figure and more like someone Scientology hired to to speak to the youths so they could fulfill their 2019 quota, just showed up in Portugal. I repeat: a father just showed up in Portugal. This is not a drill!! I can only assume he’s there to finish blowing up Cassie’s relationship with Colton, right? *turns up volume*

Lol. I love how her dad is acting like they’re super religious and believe in the sanctity of marriage, and it’s like, then you’re gonna have a real hard time watching the footage from this season because it’s mostly Colton slapping your daughter’s ass.

Cassie decides to break up with Colton because SURPRISE, SURPRISE she’s not mature enough for marriage. Kirpa, if you’re reading this, I hope you feel vindicated.

Meanwhile, Colton is out here lighting candles and strategically placing condoms throughout the suite. I’ve literally never been so giddy in my entire life to watch someone be emotionally ruined. Please carry on.

CASSIE: I thought it would bother you more that my dad hates you?
COLTON: It did but, like, I still want to bang you know?

Okay, she is not doing a good job of breaking this to him. She tells him that their love isn’t the same as her parents, and while I do think this show is stupid and her dad is right, I don’t think it’s fair to tell a person that their love isn’t right because it’s not like how love happened to you. This is such a bullsh*t excuse.

She is soooo bad at articulating her thoughts. She can’t even string a full sentence together! All she keeps saying is “I don’t know” and flipping her hair. She’s like a doll that only knows a few phrases and keeps repeating them until someone smashes her head off.

Cassie tries to walk away but Colton finds her hyperventilating by a bush. Omg did he just try and get another ass grab in?? Colton, stop making this decision easier for her!

Colton tells her he loves her and he would literally leave this show for her and she’s just like “Idk.” I can’t believe he just laid all his cards out like that!! He must really be panicking here.

COLTON: There’s no pressure to get married at the end of this.
THE PRODUCERS OVER HIS SHOULDER: 

Lol. Colton is like “I love you, I want to be with you” and Cassie just looks f*cking miserable. I don’t know why (it’s definitely the wine) but I can’t stop giggling watching this. The horror in her eyes as they hug combined with the sound of his goddamn body shaking in the background is sending me over the edge here. ABC, bravo.  

Colton walks Cassie out and she tells him that she wants him to be with someone who is insanely in love with her, and that feels like a very low blow. The man just said he’s only here for you and this is his own goddamn show!

WHAT. DID SHE JUST SAY I LOVE YOU? Cassie is sending Colton more mixed signals than Colton has about his sexuality all season.

At this point in the evening, I’m 3.5 glasses of wine deep, and every time Cassie breathes I start mentally chanting “fence jump.” I came here to watch a grown man cry and SO HELP ME I better get to see that happen.

We’re eight minutes until the end of the episode and Colton finally breaks. I’m sweating and I may or may not have just let out a high-pitched squeal that sent my dog running into the other room. IT. IS. HAPPENING. Y’ALL. 

I love that Chris Harrison is just lurking in the bushes. Someone is like “Chris can you get out here please” and he just pops out from behind some shrubbery. Is this what they pay you the big bucks for, buddy?

CHRIS HARRISON: I’m too old for this sh*t.

They start searching the streets of Portugal and Colton is nowhere to be found. Chris is like “there’s dogs barking down here.” and it’s like, okay Chris Harrison. Chill. You’re not on Chicago PD. No need to show off your detective skills here.

The episode ends with Chris Harrison and a camera crew looking for Colton on the streets of Portugal and whistling for him like he’s a damn dog. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if production was able to lure him out from behind some trash cans with a piece of cheese. Until then, Betches!

Images: ABC (2); Giphy (4); @tvgoldtweets / Twitter; @tayshiaaa /Instagram

Before I get started straying from my normal Betches career content to talking about something that a c t u a l l y blew my mind, I have to tell you: this article has A LOT of spoilers. I literally didn’t think my brain could handle any more celeb drama this week with the whole Khloé/Tristan thing, but deep in the artifacts of Reality Steve, I discovered something juicy AF. And I just have to share.

Take this as your official spoiler alert. If you’re one of those people who genuinely wants to be surprised during the final rose ceremony, welp, don’t keep reading. I won’t be offended. I’m just not one of those people. But you can’t come crying to me in the comments since I have given you fair warning!

It was a normal Monday night. I was sitting down with a glass of wine texting my friend group chat (coincidentally called Bachelor Betches—I’m not kidding). It was hour two of The Bachelor, which is also the time where I run out of posts in my Instagram feed and wonder why I spend so many hours of my week obsessing over this show.

For some reason, I decided to check Reality Steve. If I’m being totally honest, I checked Reality Steve in NOVEMBER to see who won Colton’s season of The Bachelor and saw that Colton and Cassie were engaged (this post). I thought this would allow me to relax and enjoy the season, without any suspense at all. The end.

Buuuuut, I was getting to my wit’s end of the incessant girl fighting that was ensuing on this week’s show, I decided to read the episode-by-episode spoilers. In what seemed like ten years later, I got to page 4 of the post when I came across something new.

(allegedly) COLTON DOESN’T GET ENGAGED AT THE END OF THE BACHELOR.

OMFG.

Reality Steve states, “Cassie got cold feet…and realized she wasn’t ready to be engaged yet. She told him this and essentially left the show…he still ended things with Hannah G. without even taking her on their overnight date. Ended things with Tayshia as well, and essentially ended filming at that point. So there will be no final three rose ceremony and no final rose ceremony.”

Tayshia @ Cassie & Caelynn #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/4NffadSUDp

— ??????????? (@kayyorkcity) February 19, 2019

OMG. Is that even allowed in Bachelor world? I thought they were locked up at the mercy of producers forever and had to stay in mystical Bachelor land until someone says, “Can I walk you out?”

It gets better. According to Reality Steve, after Colton realizes Cassie is “the one” he chases after her and meets her back at home. My heart. Like, I never thought I’d say this but I legit love him as the Bachelor. He totally could have stayed for one of the other two girls for optics’ sake. There haven’t been any new romcoms for me to watch on Netflix and Colton just comes in here, strolling along, creating one on our TV screen. How flipping cute.

According to Reality Steve, they are dating now and not engaged, which is COMPLETELY reasonable as a couple that’s only known each other for two months.

Now I will say Reality Steve isn’t ALWAYS right. So I did some of my own digging…and I have to say I think there’s some legitimacy to this timeline. Here’s why:

The Ring Box Is Empty During The Season Preview

There is no ring. I REPEAT THERE IS NO RING IN THAT BOX!!! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/YY6c8tQegf

— dani keegan (@Keegs_2015) February 12, 2019

During the end of the season preview, you can see Colton open an EMPTY ring box, HINTING at the fact that he doesn’t get engaged. Is ABC trying to trick us? Or is this some serious foreshadowing!?

The Past Few Bachelor/Bachelorettes Have Announced That They Were Engaged Before The Season Even Started

I distinctly remember most other Bachelor and Bachelorettes announcing that they were engaged before the season even started (i.e. Rachel, Becca, and even Arie!). Yet, Colton doesn’t seem to have said that once! Jimmy Kimmel, who often predicts the shows ending, even says he “ends up with Cassie” and not “he is engaged to Cassie”. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but it sure seems like this is the case!

ABC Is Shadily Foreshadowing This

There has been a two-week build-up (that feels like a 10-year build-up!) to having girls tell Colton, “someone in the house is not ready to be engaged”. In fact, it’s been the cause of what feels like all the girl drama this season! I know ABC has tons of footage, I mean TONS. Doesn’t it seem coincidental for them to be picking up this storyline if it is actually that Colton’s first choice is actually not ready to be engaged?! Seems like a perfect tee up to me!

Colton Still Has Not Jumped The Fence

Look—we all know Colton is athletic. But they’ve been showing the preview of the fencing jumping incident for months now. I have to think that that moment is going to be at the MOST DRAMATIC (insert Chris Harrison’s voice here) point in the season. In other words, I think Colton’s going to jump the fence when Cassie heads home, and then he pulls the plug on the entire show. Furthermore, it’s also dark outside when Colton jumps the fence, which supports Reality Steve’s whole “overnight date fence jumping” theory.

 

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More excited for this fence jumping than for my own wedding tbh. Bachelor recap up now at link in bio. @betchelorpodcast

A post shared by Betches (@betches) on Feb 19, 2019 at 9:13am PST

Is it just me, or has no one has talked about this!? Did they just not have the time (clearly I have nothing better to do) to get to Page 4 of Reality Steve’s article? Is ABC paying them to stay silent? Is (like every good news story) Kris Jenner behind this?! Or, am I BASICALLY NANCY DREW? Or like, the equivalent of Nancy Drew who finds what someone else already found—but you know what I mean.

How does he get Cassie back? Will they get engaged on ATFR?! Can you tell I’m addicted to this show?! 

Either way, I kind of love this season and Colton. I never thought I’d say that but I legit do and I can’t wait to see what happens. 

Do you think this prediction is right?! Comment below!

Welcome back Bachelor fans to another week where Colton didn’t jump the fence because that is definitely all I’m watching for at this point. Look, I appreciate that ABC is just trying to build some tension in what would otherwise be a very blonde boring season of The Bachelor, but I’ve had a day, and was really hoping to watch someone emotionally self-destruct for my viewing pleasure. Is that too much to ask for?? Sighs. Moving on.

This week the crew is headed to Colton’s hometown of Denver, and we know this because Colton talked about it when he recorded another sad, handwritten entry of his vlog. Seriously, what is with the home movie stuff here? ABC spends a disgusting amount of money on production every season and I feel like half of this season has been recorded on Colton’s iPhone.

Colton is still at an emotional crossroads over the truth bomb Katie left him with at the last rose ceremony. If you’ll recall last week, not one, not two, but THREE WOMEN told Colton he’s basically screwing himself with the women he has left on his season.

COLTON: *chooses only hot blondes whose combined age is second semester college senior*
ALSO COLTON: Why is this happening to me?
ME:

It’s a mystery, Colton!

Cassie’s like “last week someone told Colton that there were girls here who aren’t ready to be married, which is so false.” Says the girl who is currently wearing a top from Forever21. Please. Spare me your lecture, honey.

Meanwhile, Colton spends some time getting advice from a person who also went through the Bachelor process and came out on top single and alone: Ben Higgins. Ah, now I see where the budget went for this season, bringing back this reject. First of all, WHY is Colton even getting advice from Ben? It’s not like Ben even has a successful Bachelor story! Second of all, why do I feel like Colton is about to ask him how long he’s supposed to leave it in at the fantasy suite?

TAYSHIA’S DATE

This week there’s going to be three one-on-one dates and a group date. Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date because she is not blonde and is old enough to legally rent a car, so I guess Colton wants to at least pretend like he’s considering her for our sake. It’s cute that he still thinks we give a sh*t.

Lol. Okay, who else thinks Colton rented out that dog for their date? I’m pretty sure Sniper was a yellow lab when Becca went home with him last season. Colton, that dog is an imposter!

For their date, Colton wants to show Tayshia all that Denver has to offer, which is apparently an ice cream shop and the food court at the mall. Seriously, where is this heart-to-heart they’re having taking place? In between the Dippin’ Dots and the Sbarro Pizza?

Cut to the house, where Cassie and Caelynn are freaking tf out over Tayshia’s date. They think she’s going to throw them under the bus for not being here for the “right reasons”, which is absolutely what she does. Tayshia tells Colton that Cassie and Caelynn are only there because they want to be the next Bachelorette. You mean to say that the adult woman who still competes in pageants and the girl who’s already been on one reality tv show before coming on this one might only be in it for the Instagram partnerships?!

Tayshia starts telling Colton a little about her family, and it’s clear that her dad is 100% going to despise Colton if they meet next week. She’s like “it might be tough at first” and it’s like, Tayshia, Colton was scared of Tia a 5’3 former Miss Weiner, Arkansas, you really think he’s going to make it out of that meet and greet without sh*tting his pants? I don’t think so. 

COLTON:

I just vomited in my mouth a little. But I guess Tayshia is into it because he gives her the rose, which is good for me because I’m looking forward to watching Colton wet himself when he meets Tayshia’s dad next week. Should be a good time!

CAELYNN’S DATE

Caelynn also gets some alone time with Colton this week. For their date, he takes her skiing. FYI, Colton, skiing is actually something Denver has to offer unlike that tour of Auntie Anne’s you took Tayshia on. Bravo, you’re learning.

I will say Caelynn looks amazing in her ski gear. If someone asked me to show up on national television wearing six layers of clothes I would look less like a snow bunny and more like that girl who turned into a blueberry at Willy Wonka’s factory.

Colton mentions Tayshia’s concerns to Caelynn and it’s like how FUNNY that he’s having this talk with a girl who supposedly said she wants to be the next Bachelorette when she is COINCIDENTALLY the frontrunner to be the next Bachelorette. Lol. The look on Caelynn’s face rn is all but screaming “did you talk to my producer about that because I thought those conversations were private.”

Honestly, she’s just mad because she needs to at least make it to hometowns to be considered for Bachelorette, and Tayshia is really jeopardizing that for her. I see right through you, girlfriend.

Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton is like “I need more from her this week” as if her baring her personal trauma two weeks ago isn’t enough for him. Like, what more do you want this girl to share with you??

CAELYNN: I’ve shed so many tears over you
COLTON: You shed tears for me?

Why do I feel like he’s going to go home and beat one out to that statement?

Colton gives Caelynn a rose, so she’ll be going to hometowns as well. He thinks that she’s ready to get engaged because she said it and with a straight face and everything. Oh, Colton. You stupid f*cking oaf. You deserve the girlfriend who’s contractually obligated to stay with you for 2-3 months you’ll get at the end of this.

Back at the house, Caelynn tells Cassie about the Tayshia backstab and Cassie looks piiiissed. How DARE Tayshia try and sabotage your Sugar Bear Hair deal, and when you’ve let Colton feel you up for the last three episodes and everything!

CASSIE: Are my words going to be twisted too??

If by “twisted” you mean “taken verbatim from your mouth,” then you f*cking bet they are, Cassie!  

ALABAMA HANNAH’S DATE

Alabama Hannah gets the next one-on-one date and Colton picks her up in a $90k car?! HE’S SO GENUINE YOU GUYS. So down to earth and chill.

I guess Colton ran out of fun Denver things for Hannah to do because he just takes her to his house. Hannah looks so excited about meeting his parents but I sort of feel like this is the kiss of death for her. It’s never good if they meet the parents before the final two.

Okay Colton and his dad look exactly alike except his dad actually looks masculine. Honestly, Mr. Underwood, you can call me!

Also, I love that he’s getting advice on how to have a successful marriage from a guy who’s been divorced. I can’t wait to see how this advice works out for you, Colton!

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Alabama Hannah shows up dressed like the South has risen again. Like, what is she wearing?! It’s like she recycled her slutty Scarlett O’Hara costume from college for this date.

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Hannah Brown | The Bachelor | Season 23 Episode 7 — •Rachel Zoe Dress – $595.00 •Several Similar Items Under $50 Listed on TheStyleSpotter.com — Purchase Link, Info & Similar Items: TheStyleSpotter.com ? (Link in bio!) • • • • #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelorette #thebachelorette #beccakufrin #louisvuitton #nordstrom #liketoknowit #fashionblog #shopstyle #fashionblogger #taylorswift #selenagomez #arianagrande #celebrity #celebritystyle #tv #bachelornation #coltonunderwood #willyouacceptthisrose #rose #roseceremony #bachelorabc #bachelorwatchparty #rachelzoe

A post shared by The Style Spotter (@the_style_spotter) on Feb 18, 2019 at 6:57pm PST

OMG. IS HE SENDING HER HOME?? I don’t get Colton. Hannah is legit the only girl to admit she has any feelings for him other than mild attraction and so he sends her home?? Honestly, I’m done with you, Colton.

THE GROUP DATE

The last group date of 2019 is here and it is tense. Cassie, Hannah G, Kirpa, and Josie Grossy are all fighting for the last two hometown spots. Colton decides that there’s no better way to break the tension than by taking the girls to tweetsie railroad! It’s funny that’s the exact same ploy I used when the two girls I used to babysit would fight, but okay.

Okay, how many times is Colton going to get dumped this season? Josie Grossy sends herself home and this is just so the opposite of The Bachelor. So, what? They’re all just gonna dump him and he’s stuck with whoever is left at the end? Like, is this The Bachelor or a week of me going on Hinge dates?

Colton confronts Cassie about the commitment rumors and she can barely string together a coherent sentence to defend herself. She’s like “there’s no truth to those rumors except don’t check the dailies, k?”

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Mood going into tonight knowing I’m contractually obligated to stay silent ?

A post shared by Cassie Randolph (@cassierandolph) on Feb 18, 2019 at 3:18pm PST

I will say she’s saying all the right things, not that it’s going to take much to convince Colton to keep her. She’s like “I wouldn’t bring you home if I didn’t feel this was real” which is basically code for “my sister is trying to be an actress and you coming into my house would really go a long way to getting her a SAG card.”

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton immediately decides that Hannah G looks amazing and apparently that’s enough for him to want to meet her family. He gives her a rose. Okay, is it just me or does Hannah G just embody the idea of “sit still look pretty.” Like I cannot believe this girl has made it all the way to hometowns when she has shown zero personality, barely spoken any words, and gotten involved in no drama. I’m astounded.

Okay WHAT. Is Caelynn seriously going to CRASH their date rn and help out her competition? This right here is why you placed but didn’t win at Miss America, Caelynn!!

Caelynn gives a very vague speech about following your heart and it’s exactly the excuse Colton was looking for to send Kirpa home without looking like a piece of sh*t, so he does.

He’s like “before this week I just wasn’t sure who was here for me and who was here for Instagram but now I just don’t care!” At least you’re being honest with yourself, Colton.

And that’s a wrap for this week, kids! ABC didn’t even attempt to tease the fence jumping scene for next week’s episode which means we have at least two more weeks until someone has an emotional breakdown on our screens and I’m not pleased AT ALL. But then again, what else is new?

Images: Giphy (4); @cassierandolph /Instagram (1); @the_style_spotter /Instagram (1); ABC (2)

It’s an inconvenient truth that many reality stars have been on more than one show. Stassi Schroeder was on The Amazing Race before she became your favorite member of the Witches of WeHo, Cameran Eubanks was on The Real World before she was Shep’s unrequited love on Southern Charm, and Colton Underwoods’s favorite just-the-tip partner, Cassie, was on a reality series called Young Once. I’m shocked! Scandalized! Offended! Actually, I’m kidding. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but reality stars all just want to be famous, and they’ll go on as many shows as it takes. My apologies if you’re the last person on Earth who thought Bachelor contestants were there for “the right reasons.” Have they told you about the tooth fairy yet? I sure hope so. Fictional concepts aside, here’s what I was able to learn about Cassie’s reality show, Young Once.

Young Once describes itself as a “television docuseries which follows a group of students from one of North America’s most conservative schools, where alcohol, drugs and sex are off-limits. Woven between the campus pranks, romances and finals, is a funny and endearing coming-of-age story that doesn’t take itself too seriously but shows the depth and contemplative nature of the students.” Sounds boring af. Wait. Does this mean that if if no one is having sex you can call your reality show a “docuseries?” Mike Fleiss, you can change the marketing for this season. The Bachelor: Colton Edition is definitely a docuseries. BURN.

So here’s the deal. The first season of Young Once aired in 2016 and followed Cassie and her boyfriend at the time, Caelan (not to be confused with Caelynn), as they drank virgin piña coladas, watched Leave it to Beaver, and dry humped on an IKEA couch, exclaiming, “the contract says this is okay!” I paraphrased that quote, and most of their activities, but according to all the lovelies on the bachelor subreddit, students do have to sign a no-sex contract. (Please don’t tell my dad those exist!) That no-sex contract sounds worse than the contract I signed for my shoebox Upper West Side apartment, and that one required me to cook on a hot plate for a year. Then, in 2018, Cassie and Caelan went back and filmed season 2, which is airing now and follows Cassie and her slightly tweaked face as she and Caelan are at a crossroads in their relationship. Spoiler alert: the relationship ends.

As people got wind of this show airing at the same time as The Bachelor and featuring Cassie with a maybe-boyfriend, Bachelor Nation was naturally up in arms. They will not abide a contestant dating more than one person at a time! It’s only okay when the leads do it! So Cassie and Caelan each addressed the controversy on Instagram, the People magazine of millennials. Let’s take a look:

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I’m posting this here so no words can be misconstrued. As many know, my ex girlfriend is currently a contestant on the tv show The Bachelor. The both of us have also appeared on a documentary series called Young Once. The show catches you up on our lives as the first season was shot at Biola University while we were still going to school there. They happened to catch the closing of mine and Cassie’s on and off relationship during the recording of this show. Make no mistake that Young Once was filmed before The Bachelor, and the fact that they are airing at the same time is a strategy to attract viewers. Both Cassie and I made mistakes in our relationship, but I think we’d both agree it dragged out much too long anyways. This is because I persistently pursued a reunion and she knowingly kept the door open at times because of indecisiveness, neither of which matters because it has been over for good since before she went on The Bachelor. However, it can be said without a doubt that her and I were not a fit for each other. Also, I’m sure there are millions of breakups that have lasted longer than they should have and nobody should be held at fault for that. The reality of the situation is that Cassie is a great girl. Her decision to go on The Bachelor was a decisive moment in my life to move forward so why couldn’t it serve as that for her as well? If I met my dream girl a month after our final closing this summer that would just be how God had it planned for me. Nobody has the right to tell her whether or not she has good intentions. So although the full truth may not be out…not everybody’s business needs to be on reality tv. Cassie will eventually explain her side and I endorse whatever she says because there is no reason for her to hide the truth. I wish her nothing but success and happiness moving forward. I post this because of the outlets who reached out to hear “my side” and because I heard Cassie was receiving a lot of negativity for our past relationship. I thought this would be the best way to preserve the truth and encourage the trolls to check themselves before tearing down a good human being. Life is about moving forward, not dwelling on the past ?

A post shared by Caelan Tiongson (@caelantiongson) on Feb 6, 2019 at 4:54am PST

Oh hi, Caelan, you’re cute! Want to replace a Bachelor I know? In his post, Caelan basically says that Young Once was filmed before The Bachelor, and the fact that they are airing at the same time is “a strategy to attract viewers.” No duh. And you posting about this show is also “a strategy to attract viewers.” Ain’t nobody better than anybody else here, pal! The rest is basically a boring company line, so let’s take one more look at his pretty face instead.

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2018…you had your moments, but you were also filled with disappointment and tough life lessons. However, these low points helped close chapters that were long overdue and now there is no place else to look but up ?? 2019, here’s to trusting in God’s plan more than ever before! Have a safe and happy New Year everyone!

A post shared by Caelan Tiongson (@caelantiongson) on Dec 30, 2018 at 7:58pm PST

Caelan’s explanation is pretty much what you would expect from any PR person. Cassie’s explanation, on the other hand, is very suspicious. Let’s analyze.

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I’m getting a lot of questions about my ex and a docuseries we filmed before Bachelor. While I don’t feel it is necessary that I share all the details, a lot of people are curious and the worst thing is false rumors. I didn’t want to address this without his permission, but he posted about it today so I think it’s good if I do too. Caelan and I dated all through college and in 2015 we filmed Young Once. A while after our breakup we put our past behind us and became friends again. We share a lot of mutual friends and he is close to my family. We both dated other people and had moved on. While we were never officially a couple again, there was a time last spring that we considered getting back together, but that didn’t work out. I was open to staying friends, but he understandably thought this was too hard. Just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean we now hate each other and don’t care about the other. It just wasn’t right for us. Since I was the one saying we couldn’t be together, this was extra hard for him. Relationships are complicated and navigating isn’t usually straight forward. We were on and off for so long that turning it off for good was a difficult decision as I truly didn’t want to regret giving up if we were meant to be. But certain things were unhealthy and it became clear we were supposed to move on. Over the summer, unexpectedly and out of the blue, we were contacted by YO and learned they were considering a S2- a follow up on some of the original cast. This again put Caelan and I directly back in each other’s lives as our social circle overlaps. One of the storylines highlighted is our drawn out/complex relationship and the challenges of us staying friends post breakup and whether it is possible or not. We filmed for several weeks prior to Caelan heading to Asia to play pro basketball and before I found out that I was cast for Bachelor. The timing of everything was completely chance. I care very much about Caelan and I want nothing but the best for him and his life. Meanwhile I am back to real life, focusing on grad school, working and trying to remain grounded as I balance this new intense scrutiny of my life.

A post shared by Cassie Randolph (@cassierandolph) on Feb 6, 2019 at 3:29pm PST

Okay, a glamour shot. Sure. Very relevant to the caption! Way to take a page out of Jenna’s playbook. I guess Cassie doesn’t want to hurt Colton’s feelings by posting an old picture with someone who has more sex appeal in his left pinky than Colton has in his entire spray-tanned body. Makes sense. Cassie claims that during the second season of Young Once she and Caelan were never a couple again, and I can’t dispute this fact since I never watched this show, never will, and I think she knows that. Clever.

What I would like to point out is that Cassie claims they filmed before she knew she was going on The Bachelor. OH, REALLY? Because according to Reality Steve, Young Once was filmed TWO WEEKS before Cassie went on The Bachelor. If you believe she didn’t know she was going on The Bachelor at that point, then you must also believe that the world is flat, and that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting back together, and I believe that I don’t want to know you. I understand Cassie not wanting to look like a two-timer, but didn’t that conservative Christian college tell you thou shalt not lie? Or did they forget that lesson while they were busy policing the students’ drinking habits?

And that’s Young Once! Have any of you actually watched it? Do I dare tear my eyes away from Russian Doll to give it a chance? Let me know!

Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy; caelantiongson, cassierandolph/Instagram