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Welcome back fellow Bachelor fans to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read according to me, the author and person who blackmails her friends into reading her recaps for clicks! I always find it a little cruel and unusual that ABC would dare air an episode on a national holiday as if the majority of us didn’t just spend the extra day we’d been given recuperating from the long weekend in the fetal position on our couch wishing for death as we binge watched the entire season of The Circle in one sitting (just me?). But it’s fine, ABC. JUST FINE.
Moving on. Last week we were treated to what might be the best thing I’ve ever seen on my television screen: #ChampagneGate2020. There was crying, champagne stealing, and a grown woman taking a shot of champagne straight to the eye like a mf CHAMP. Watching this girl humiliate herself on national television as she drunkenly blubbered about someone stealing her alcohol is something I felt and resonated with on a deep, almost cosmic, level. Kelsey, please never change.
This week’s episode starts the same way my day did when I realized I’d run out of ibuprofen and would have to spend the next 24 hours actually suffering the consequences of my hangover: in tears. Hannah Ann is crying about her ruined reputation as a champagne stealer, Kelsey is crying about her and her bottle of Andre being misunderstood. I’m crying because even though I’ve spent the last 72 hours treating my body like a used up Franzia bag, I’m still somehow forcing down a glass of red for this episode. We all have our crosses to bear!
Hot Victoria’s One-On-One Date
Hot Victoria gets chosen for the first one-on-one date of the week and I can already tell it’s going to be a doozy when Peter shows up looking like an ad for toxic masculinity in his flannel shirt and matching pickup truck. Jesus.
Wow, they are really leaning into this country vibe today. First the pickup truck, and now this outing to shop for cowboy boots? Is this because Victoria is from Virginia? Peter, I thought you, like, traveled a lot? You know there’s more to the state of Virginia than just Bud Light and the “save a horse, ride a cowboy” bumper stickers you were clearly envisioning when you signed up for this date.
I love that Hannah Ann gets to walk away with from The Bachelor with Revolve’s spring line and Hot Victoria gets some souvenirs from the local Boots & Scoots.
Oh how CONVENIENT that they just happen upon this honky tonk bar in the MIDDLE of L.A. Are there just Nashville pop-up shops like these around every corner? Hmmm? And what’s the next stop on this date? Dinner at the Cracker Barrel?
Meanwhile, back at the house, Kelsey and Hannah Ann continue to verbally rip each other to shreds over a bottle of champagne. As someone who has lost friendships over a misplaced bottle of moscato before, I understand how this can fracture a relationship. Carry on ladies.
Peter and Hot Victoria head into the evening portion of their date and, sadly, it won’t consist of them shooting squirrels and other small game and roasting their kills over a fire pit for dinner. How very off brand for the evening. They’re eating dinner at an airplane hangar, so I guess Peter has officially retired his cowboy hat for the evening and has replaced it with his pilot cap. Got it.
Victoria launches into a very moving story about how she spent her youth in and out of homeless shelters taking care of her little sister while her mother was absent, and this is how I know this show has ruined my soul and made me lose all empathy for the human race because all I’m thinking is “yeah, yeah, another sob story, let’s move on.”
ME: Do I like Hot Victoria?
HOT VICTORIA: *has the life story of a Lifetime movie heroine, the cheekbones of a Hadid sister, and pursued a career in medicine to help others*
ME: Nah, she’s a lump
I think Peter was a little surprised to learn that Hot Victoria is more than just an Instagram filter brought to life because his reaction feels a little too heavy-handed to me. He tells her that she is the only thing that matters to him and then something about her light shining and, honestly, it’s all bullsh*t. He doesn’t even know her! It’s just empty words! Like, yeah, that was a pretty speech and all but I’ve murmured those same words alone to myself in my living room anytime more of Jughead’s backstory is revealed on Riverdale. It doesn’t, like, mean anything!
Unsurprisingly, Hot Victoria scores a rose from today’s date, because as if Peter could eliminate her after hearing a sob story like that. Nice play, Hot Victoria. I never knew you had it in you.
The Group Date
Going into the group date this week, tensions are high and there are a lot of unanswered questions, like why is Demi here and did she slash Chris Harrison’s tires this morning so she could be the new host? I mean I love Demi, but I still don’t understand her presence during today’s date. I’m truly shocked that she’s managed to delay her expiration date for this franchise by this much, but I guess that’s what the new face was for…
Demi shows up to the house at—judging by the women’s disheveled appearances—what must be an ungodly hour of the morning. Alayah hasn’t even put on her eyelash extensions yet!
DEMI:
She introduces her two muscled henchwomen as Champagne and Killer, and this feels on the nose even for ABC. Kelsey and Hannah Ann aren’t even going on this date for god’s sake! We learn that Demi has gifted all of the women lingerie that she believes fits each of their personalities. Savannah, one of the hottest women in the house, gets her grandmother’s mumu while the nanny from Georgia declares she got some cute “linguine.” I hope her employers are watching this and realize that they need to get their kid hooked on phonics ASAP.
The lingerie will come in handy because for the date the women will head to an underground pillow fight club where they will wrestle to the death for Peter’s attention while simultaneously putting feminism back 30 years. I love a good multitask! As the women start dressing in various states of lace, silk, and in Savannah’s case, Victorian necklines, this is beginning to feel less like a group date and more like a sorority hazing ritual that will end in one of them threatening to call their daddy the lawyer.
KELLEY: I’m not really feeling this date. Who wants to see their attorney in lingerie on national television?
Um, who wants to see their attorney stick their tongue down a commercial pilot’s throat on national television? But you’ve already done that so what’s your point, Kel?
What a shocking coincidence the final matchup is between Sydney and Alayah, whose feud in the house is only second to Hannah Ann’s with a discarded champagne bottle. Honestly, I would be scared to fight Alayah. She’s 118 pounds of lip liner and hairspray and she has the confidence of a person who’s never been on a date that ended with the guy venmoing her for drinks. Good luck, Sydney!
And what do you know! Alayah wins! She gets a crown and two minutes of Peter’s unwavering attention. I hope she’s happy with that.
Okay, Alayah is way too confident to be at this cocktail party wearing Charming Charlie’s earrings. Not only am I appalled, but I feel as if my retinas have been permanently mutilated from the sight of those monstrosities dangling by her shoulders.
Sydney is still a little sour from losing the pillow fight and has decided to channel all of that energy into exposing Alayah as fake. Her first line of questioning: does Alayah have a job? LOL. Do any of you?? She’s like “so, Alayah do you work” and it’s like, of course she doesn’t work, sweetie. If she had a paying job would she be taking an indefinite vacation to pursue a commercial pilot on national television at the expense of her dignity and family’s good name? Come on.
SYDNEY: Well, I have a job.
ME ON MY COUCH, EMPTYING A BAG OF CHEETOS STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH:
Sydney brings her concerns about Alayah’s “realness” to Peter’s attention. She says there’s a lot of girls in the house who “turn it on” for the cameras and I love that she can say that with a straight face and those eyelash extensions. Maybe let’s have this discussion when you get some screen time with the eyelashes and lips you were born with, mmkay?
Peter is at a loss as to how to handle this turn of events. This goes beyond what he learned in flight school. He decides that the least dramatic way to handle this, really the only way to handle this, is to put Sydney on f*cking blast in front of every other girl on this date. OMG PETER. Are you trying to get her killed??
PETER: Sydney, didn’t you say Alayah was a fake ass hoe? Or was it fake ass bitch? I can’t remember. Can you clarify for us here?
SYDNEY: 
Oh sh*t! She named names in front of Alayah and everything!! I’m shocked. I truly did not think she had it in her. B*tch better go into witness protection after this is all I’m saying.
THE RAT GETS THE GROUP DATE ROSE. WHAT!! Peter gives Sydney the group date rose because she was “open and honest” with him, and this might be the first time in history that a rat has ever gotten the group date rose. Wow, way to make history, Sydney.
The Pool Party/Cocktail Party
Cut to the next morning, and Alayah has really taken Sydney’s words to heart. She’s distraught from the attack on her character. She’s so upset that someone would accuse her of being fake that she decides to go on camera with her glasses. How very brave. That will show them, girl!
Chris Harrison waltzes into the Bachelor mansion and it’s like, how very nice to see you Christopher! I don’t think he’s spoken words or appeared on my screen since the night one limo entrances, and it’s comforting to know that Demi hasn’t completely taken over as host of this show… yet. He gets his obligatory five lines in for the episode and while it’s nice to see, it’s this lack of initiative that makes my neighbor who has only watched two episodes of The Bachelor ever think he’s the Uber driver and not the host of this goddamn show. Do better, Chris.
He tells us that instead of a cocktail party Peter will be hosting a pool party! We are to believe that this is out of the goodness of his heart and not because he would like to see them all half naked before he makes another elimination tonight. Sure, Jan.
Okay, damn. All the girls are going in on Alayah and she is screwed. The only way she can come back from this is if she anonymously publishes her own burn book and blames it on Cady Heron Sydney. *turns up volume*
Production is doing absolutely no favors for this supposed pool “party.” All the footage they’ve captured is of girls taking naps by the pool or gently sipping mimosas. I’ve seen wilder things at the community pool in my Grandma’s retirement community. That Eugene is a REAL scoundrel.
Alayah decides that she needs to squash this beef with Sydney if she has any hope of winning over Peter. She’s going to do this by having an honest and open conversation with Sydney and she’ll even leave her eyelash extensions at home and everything. Ah, yes. The modern day olive branch, if you will.
Peter seems way too invested in this authenticity debate. He keeps asking Alayah about her intentions and why other girls think she’s fake and how does he know what’s real or fake with her? Okay, Peter, but what are you really worried about here? She’s not the only one who’s going to fake an orgasm with you okay!!
PETER: *laughs nervously* but you haven’t faked anything with me, right?
ALAYAH: I can’t fake anything I swear!!
ALSO ALAYAH:
But Alayah’s reputation cannot be salvaged, because just as the dust is clearing for her, Hot Victoria comes in to tell Peter about the illuminating three hours she spent with Alayah pre-production. Yes, Victoria, please tell us about how in 180 minutes you learned all about Alayah’s innermost secrets and desires, but in the two years I’ve worked at my job I still don’t know my PM’s last name.
Hot Victoria tells Peter that Alayah told her that she would be open to other opportunities after this show even if it wasn’t as Peter’s wife. I’m sorry is this supposed to be news to anyone here?? SO IS EVERYONE, VICTORIA. WHAT IS YOUR POINT.
Look, I’m not Team Alayah or anything but I think this is a little unfair. She’s one of a NUMBER of pageant girls this season (including you, Hot Victoria!) so by no means is she the only one here who is skilled at manipulation and acting fake for the cameras. And literally everyone is on this show to pursue their personal brands! And do you want to know how I know this? Because every single woman here looks like they walked straight out of the FaceTune app. Their arguments would be much more believable if even one of them showed a single, physical flaw in front of the cameras.
Peter confronts Alayah again and you can tell the poor girl has had a few minutes thinking they were all good and is now about to be completely blindsided. He asks her about the producer thing and you can see the moment she knows she’s f*cked.
She says that she only told Hot Victoria to lie because she didn’t think that two people who knew each other could be on the show. I’ve heard better excuses from the five-year-old I used to babysit when she would tell me she didn’t draw on her parent’s bedroom walls, her invisible friend Martha did. Come on, Alayah, you’re better than this!
Going into the rose ceremony tonight the atmosphere is TENSE. I feel like there has been a lot of drama in the house this episode. What, is everyone’s cycle syncing or something?
Kelsey is the first to receive a rose this evening, and it’s great that she continues to get rewarded for her terrible behavior. It gives me hope for the future. Meanwhile, MyKenna’s anguish is actually visible throughout this entire rose ceremony. Watching a 22-year-old, physically flawless Instagram model understand rejection for the first time in her charmed life is truly giving me life.
Ugh, but MyKenna gets the last rose of the evening, which means Alayah, Jasmine, Alexa, and Sarah are all going home tonight.
But wait! The plot thickens! As soon as Peter gets one last look at Alayah and her rack he feels conflicted by his decision. He asks the producers if there’s a way he can bring Alayah back and it’s like PETER THERE ARE NO TAKEBACKSIES IN THIS GAME!! You know, unless you’re Hannah Brown, and then by all means play a game of musical chairs with all of your romantic suitors.
And on that note, I’m outtie betches! See you next week where we’ll learn if Peter brings Alayah back and the women in turn form an angry mob where they draw and quarter him in the town square for his idiocy. You love to see it. Until then!
Images: Giphy (6); @bachelornation /Instagram (1); @chrisbharrison /Instagram (1)
Blame the millennials for making camping glamorous (you can thank us after you actually get a good night’s sleep in the woods). It’s become so mainstream that “glamping” now has its own space in the dictionary. Glamping is for the people who call themselves outdoorsy but are too high-maintenance to pee in the woods. When you go glamping, you’re not racing to pitch a tent by yourself before night falls and sleeping in sleeping bags on the dirt ground, but you do still get to embrace the elements (or at least, you can claim you did on Instagram). You get all the comforts of being at home, like sleeping on an actual bed, and sometimes a bathroom, electricity, and hardwood floors, but you can still technically say you slept in a tent (or similar structure that lacks walls).
I traveled across the pond to Fforest, where I went glamping for a few nights in Wales to escape reality for a minute and be one with nature. I was set up one of their half domes that kind of look like the tents set up at Fyre Festival, only much, much nicer. It had a solid wood floor, wood-burning stove, and even an onsen hot bath. While it does make for the perfect photo, there’s more than meets the eye. This is what it’s like to actually go glamping, most of which you won’t find on social media.
There’s No Cell Service, Which You’ll Learn To Love
And as you can imagine, there’s no Wifi either. Answering emails or stalking your ex on social media aren’t in the cards on this trip. Just you and Mother Nature. And honestly, it’s for the better. When you’re trying to escape your everyday, your phone is a huge part of that (don’t lie). When you fully unplug mentally and physically, then you can really embrace what’s right in front of you.
It’s Good To Know Basic Camping Skills
Although accommodations are much fancier than regular camping, basic survival skills still come into play, like building a fire. Pro tip: peeling the bark off the logs is a great way to get that initial flame… so I wouldn’t advise you to get your nails done before your trip. Ripping up newspaper works too if you’re out of bark. You’ll know when you need to remake the fire when you wake up freezing in the middle of the night.
It’s Not As Glamorous As Instagram Makes It Out To Be
It’s not a 5-star hotel experience, even though it may look like it, but the thing is, it’s not meant to be. It’s still camping, don’t forget that. Instagram sometimes can be misleading because all it shows are the luxury shots, and not muddy shoes, soaked clothes, or little creatures that you might find. But that’s all part of the experience. While I’m not going Amish any time soon, going glamping taught me that I can survive with less and that I’m not as materialistic as I thought I was.
Be One With Nature And Namaste, Y’all
Glamping allows you to really unplug and experience this entirely new environment. On the campsite I got to actually get to know other glampers because no one had their phone as a giant wall of a distraction. I did activities organized by Adventure Tours UK that I wouldn’t think of doing at home, like foraging for wild leaves and fruit in serene Wales, with which we made our own herbal tea. Yeah, I’m basically Bear Grylls. You can’t rely on Google Maps out there, but instead you actually use a paper map (an ancient artifact people used to use as a navigation tool back in the day) and your brain instead of having a voice instructing you on exactly which steps to take.
It Gets F*cking Cold
It doesn’t matter if you’re staying in Wales or a desert, it gets cold at night, so be prepared. Making a fire is essential, but also water bottles that you can fill with hot water to warm your bed are a lifesaver. At one point in the night I put my heaviest fleece on because I was so cold and still went, half asleep, to rebuild the fire. Bring layers and even hand warmers to stay warm.
I Know It’s Corny, But Don’t Forget To Look Up
Away from the big city, the stars are unbelievable. Your iPhone can’t capture the magic, so don’t even try—just enjoy it, IRL. I’m not a scientist, but the skies are so clear you can see the big dipper and other constellations without a telescope. For people who don’t live in a city, that might be every night for you, but if you live in New York or another big city, you probably haven’t seen an actual star since 2012. From my half dome in Wales, though, I could look up at the stars from my bed, with the fire burning, a cup of hot chocolate in my hand, and I felt like that was all I needed in this simple life.
As fancy as glamping can be, at the end of the day it’s still camping. It’s funny sometimes that as advanced as we are as a society and as plugged into our social media as we are, we crave the urge to go into the middle of the woods, disconnect, and leave it all behind. Because sometimes nothing beats Mother Nature, except for like, being in Mother Nature without actually being all the way in it.
Images: Lucija Ros / Unsplash; fforest, finn / Instagram
After weeks of speculation, ABC revealed last night on the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise that Peter Weber, the lovable pilot from Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette, will be the new Bachelor. My reaction resembled that of my parents when I failed my driver’s test by backing into a pole while parallel parking in my instructor’s car: not mad, just bewildered disappointed. After shocking many loyal viewers by choosing Hannah as the Bachelorette, I was hoping the bigwigs at ABC would pull something similar with this year’s Bachelor. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to quit their addiction to mediocre men and went with the safe choice, once again shying away from a lead that might spike controversy or (heaven forbid) a cultural conversation.
He’s Slightly Sketchy
Peter caught some flak this summer when it was revealed by his ex-girlfriend that he dumped her shortly before Christmas, presumably because he found out that he’d been cast as a contestant on The Bachelorette. Opinions differ as to whether the show had anything to do with the breakup, but Peter himself has insisted that his casting occurred months after he parted ways with his ex. Even if we suspend all disbelief and take him at his word, his characterization of the breakup in the People interview is not consistent with the one he gave us on The Bachelorette, particularly during his hometown date, where his parents and brother recounted his most recent heartbreak in a way that gave me Blake-crying-on-his-mommy’s-shoulder vibes. While breakups are usually sad for both parties, the dumper does not usually come away disillusioned at the prospect of finding someone to love again, hence the dumping. We can all agree that Peter’s transgressions pale in comparison to those of dog food jingle lyricist Jed, but he’s not quite the wounded bird he’d like us to think he is either.
He’s Safe
One important detail Chris Harrison forgot to announce last night when naming Peter as the Bachelor is that he’s already been The Bachelor. It was four years ago, his hair was darker, and his name was Ben Higgins. In all seriousness, it’s pretty clear that ABC is trying to recreate the ratings magic they had with nice guy Ben by bringing in a shiny new version. To be fair, there is nothing objectively wrong with either Ben or Peter. They’re both mild-mannered, sensitive and steadfast guys. The problem is that their best qualities are the same ones that come to mind when looking to purchase a family minivan. While comfort, reliability and safety are wonderful, I’m not really attracted to a Chrysler Pacifica. In light of recent events I knew we wouldn’t get my first choice Tyler, but I still can’t help but feel that ABC isn’t sending their best. We need a man with an edge and/or some undeniable sex appeal, and someone that still lives at home with his parents isn’t it, no matter how many condoms he has in his center console.
He’s (Yet Another) White Guy
It’s no secret that the Bachelor franchise has a race problem, but it’s a fact that bears repeating. In the more than 17 (!) years that this sh*tshow has been in the cultural zeitgeist, we have had one black female lead and no black male lead. It’s. Time. One could argue that we’ve had several great candidates in years past, especially when we see what passes muster to lead this dumpster fire year after year, but it’s pretty hard to deny that Mike Johnson from this year’s season of The Bachelorette would have been an excellent choice. Kind, charming, successful, smart and handsome, Mike was and is the full package (and Demi Lovato agrees, so don’t @ me). For all those who say he was “boring” on Bachelor in Paradise, kindly refer to my previous paragraph.
Even if Mike was boring on Paradise, I’m not totally convinced that his brief stint on the spin-off was the right litmus test. Mike doesn’t really exude f*ckboy like the Deans and Blakes of the franchise, so it’s possible he simply was not in his element arriving late into a situation where no one but the most boring and phony people were left (you know who you are). It’s true that ABC seriously botched the season with its first black Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, but refusing to engage in the issue at all kills any hope for future progress in dealing with race competently and compassionately. If they can handle a same-sex couple with grace, can’t they work towards doing the same with its contestants of color?
By choosing Peter, the franchise is making a conscious choice to remain stale. It’s not the wisest move for a show that’s been airing for so long that nearly every contestant has learned the rules and is out for fame. If ABC can’t find a dynamic and compelling lead from its usual crop of last year’s rejects, why not flush the format and let art imitate life by casting an actual celebrity? Not only do we reclaim the premise of an aspirational lead that the show was founded on, the contestants’ famewhoring can be repurposed and encouraged as a key element of the entertainment instead of an undesirable byproduct that must not be acknowledged. Until ABC hires me to consult on strategy (call me!), all I can do is hope to be pleasantly surprised with Peter, like I was with Hannah. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and watch, but if I see even the shadow of a windmill, I’m out.
Images: ABC; Giphy (3)
I wanted to extend a warm, fuzzy, heartfelt cyber hug to ABC, the third person in my marriage. Thanks to you, I subjected myself to three hours of lonely singles hunting for love on a Mexican beach while navigating crabs and food poisoning. Sounds like spring break!
Here we are at week 5, night 1, which should have counted as week 5, nights 1 through 4.
We open on Angela flipping out over Eric going on a date with Cassandra, which, to be fair, looks like it’s going to be a lot of Eric licking his lips and not a lot of action. The highlight of this whole exchange is Angela insisting they had a solid and stable relationship based on about 10 days, which is like me saying I have a solid, steady understanding of IT after the computer guy asks if I turned my computer off and then back on again. The beach is buzzing with the news of Angela crying and Eric being a d*ck. Meanwhile, Cassandra and Eric have become queen and king of Mexico during some kind of parade. Will there be a blood sacrifice? Stay tuned.
Somewhere, during all of this (my money is on when Tia starting telling Colton they were the strongest, bravest, most #blessed couple on the beach), Colton decides that he’s had enough and needs to concentrate on becoming the virgin Bachelor find himself outside of Paradise—without Little Miss Weiner.
After a chat with the boys, Colton heads to the beach to find Tia and stomp on her heart.
Tia And Colton’s Breakup Extravaganza
Colton sadly lisps his way through an explanation to Tia about how he’s tried, he isn’t that into her, she deserves better, and every other excuse I’ve personally heard while being dumped. He even likens the whole struggle to football, playing football, watching football, loving football, etc.
Colton: I can’t sit around on a beach anymore
Tia: But can you like say you TRIED
Colton: Totes
Tia: Idk what to say
Colton: Catch me on ABC Monday nights at 8pm
They both pack their bags through tears. Tia, honey, girl—you bullied him into being your boyf like I bullied my parents into letting us get a puppy. You’re no Ashley I. You’ve known him for six months and dated him for about 10 days. You’re gonna pull through.
The breakup rocks the Bachelor in Paradise world and now everyone is crying.
Jordan: Bro they just like left
John: I was asleep
Jordan: Tia and Colton are gone
John: Can they do that?
Producers: STFU JOHN AND GO FIND SOMETHING TO DRY HUMP
Jenna is taking Colton and Tia’s breakup especially hard and throws herself face down princess style into an oversized pillow. Jordan comes over to suffocate comfort her with his love. “I’m not a Colton and you’re not a Tia.” Jazz snaps for Jordan, ever the beachy gentleman.
The Angela, Cassandra, And Eric Show
Cass and Eric return from their coronation at a Mexican high school, and Angela is immediately trying to stare through Eric. They head to the beach for a chat, in which Eric explains that after a peaceful nap he woke to discover that omg, I like you but don’t LIKE LIKE you anymore. This, by Eric’s logic, makes it totes cool to explore other options i.e. Cassandra.
Angela: Are you all in
Eric: I was all in but like you’re not all in and I wanted us to be all in together
Angela: That’s your opinion
Eric: I wanna do some splorin’
Angela: K.
It’s around this precise moment that Angela decides to set fire to all of Paradise by pulling Cassandra aside and laying out what a skeeze Eric is. Cassandra, now shooketh, heads back to confront Eric. Eric tells Cassandra that Angela “maybe took it outta context” that they were exclusive. Eric becomes a champion for f*ckboys across our great nation, which is especially clear when he PUTS HIS HAND ON CASSANDRA’S LEG WHILE HE’S EXPLAINING THAT SHE DOESN’T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ALL THIS OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP.
An Armenian And Scallops Walk On To A Beach…
Another day, another chance for someone to drown. We listen to Kevin and Astrid talk about love and also using ice cream as code for boning. Are these couples all boning already? Can someone let me know?
We see Jordan cutting Chris’ baby hairs and not thinking about stabbing him in the throat. Jordan, your restraint is the stuff of legends.
Two new arrivals come traipsing in—it’s Shushanna from Ben Higgins’ season and Christen aka Scallop Fingers from Paradise, The Bachelor, one episode of The Proposal, and probably several other ABC shows.
They quickly break off the weakest in the pack—60:40 Kamil and Venmo John—and drag them away for a double date. Can someone explain to me the appeal of John? Is it that he’s probably loaded after inventing Venmo? Is there anyone he hasn’t kissed left on this beach?
Annaliese says she feels confident (her ability to throw back several margaritas says otherwise) despite going through no less than six dudes already, all of whom have fled in terror in the face of dating her. Same.
Meanwhile, Jorges Tour-hays (a probably unlicensed but super fun boating excursion) is providing all the fun you could possibly have while straddling a banana and getting pulled through the water during an awkward double date. Armenian Shu and Polish Kamil start bonding over Europe and Angela Merkel’s pantsuits, I assume. Kamil also tells Shu that he’s totally in the friend zone with Annaliese, which is probably news to Annaliese who has already started their family album and picked out several kids’ names. After this shocking exchange and subsequent face sucking, it’s kind of unexpected that Kamil goes BACK TO ANNALIESE and tells her he’s v into her and their relationship is special. I’m sorry, what?
Did Shu have bad breath? Did Annaliese threaten Kamil’s life if he left her? OH, wait, there it is—she’s dangling “spending the night” in front of him. Ah, Kamil—you’re a slave to the poontang.
Meanwhile, John again is putting himself out there to date any living thing that walks on to the beach, including Christen. Tune in next week when John tries to go on a candlelit dinner date with a beach crab and hilarity ensues.
Jared And Ashley I’s Engagement
Chris comes in screaming HOLA; is me after two drinks. Here come the Bachelor in Paradise poster kids, Jared and Ashley, ready to hand out a date card on the very beach where Ashley was rejected by Jared during every previous BiP season. Saying things were a little complicated for Ashley and Jared is like saying Trump is just a bit too vocal on Twitter.
Of course, the real reason Ashley and Jared are here is to get engaged in front of a bunch of sad singles to solidify the idea that bikinis plus alcohol equals great relationships. We then take a journey in time through Ashley’s snot and tears while Jared tells her he isn’t interested. Emmy nom for the producers who put together this gem of a footage reel, please. Jared gets down on one knee with a Neil Lane ring and Ashley snots herself for maybe the last time. Break out the champagne and—oh, wait—sorry Kevin.
So how long are we giving Ashley and Jared till this goes down in flames? I got till February 2020. Astrid tries to comfort Kevin after they had to “watch them get proposed.” You’re doing great, sweetie.
MVP comment goes to Kevin for stating “you know, I’m a monumental part of her life. Of her dating life. I’m a BIG PART. YOU KNOW.” We get it Kevin. You snatched the v card. You are our champion.
The Bachelor in Paradise gods bestow a Mexican dinner date complete with surprise mariachi band and pool floaties on Astrid and Kevin, who then continue to profess their love. Sweet, guys.
Alright 45 mins left and half my life is gone.
The Rose Ceremony
Time for the rose ceremony, where everything’s made up and nothing matters. On the chopping block are Chelsea, Cassandra, Angela, Christen, Shushanna, and Annalies—unless the sex with Kamil was like, okay, and she gets to live another day.
Apparently, Cassandra has forgotten all about Eric’s stupidity and is going to Namaste-away all the bad juju with a lil yoga.
Christen is vying for her rose by showing everyone how ill-fitting her jumpsuit is and how great of a dancer she can be when margaritas are around. Fugly slut John is whoring his rose out to whoever tells him he’s the most awesome. Remember that time Chelsea saved him? Me either.
Annaliese continues to dangle sex in front of Kamil and Shu is refusing to call her anything except “The blonde girl.” Shu is all of us.
Suddenly, Chris Harrison drops a bomb. Not a real one, unfortunately. Jordan, of Bibi and Jordan on Winter Games fame, is here to give out a rose and, like, find love, too. Jordan makes it abundantly clear that he is here for business and “not here to f*ck spiders.” New Zealand, I don’t get you, but you’re the gift that keeps on giving.
Chelsea immediately sidles up to Jordan and explains that while she “has a few responsibilities back home” she’s totally open to love. I’m sorry, did you just straight-up call your kid one of your “few responsibilities”? Mother of the year.
When things don’t seem to be playing out with Jordan, Chelsea goes in for the kill and heads straight for Kamil in an effort to seize on the clearly unstable relationship Annaliese thinks they have. American Jordan nearly sh*ts himself from all the drama and isn’t sure which look to use.
Annaliese, shooketh, discusses this backstabbery with Chelsea while Kamil flosses, sadly with Scallops in the background.
Despite her best, b*tchiest efforts, Chelsea loses out on Kamil’s rose to Annaliese. The roses go out as follows:
- Kevin picks Astrid
- Chris picks Krystal
- Jordan picks Jenna
- Joe picks Kendall
- Eric picks Cassandra
- Jordan picks Shushanna
- John picks Olivia
- Kamil picks Annaliese
Chelsea, Angela, and Scallops Christen head back from whence they came… OR SO WE THINK. Christen starts claiming she’s dizzy and lightheaded while Chelsea has a nervous breakdown in the jungle complete with panic attack. We listen to Chelsea hyperventilate while we simultaneously die of happiness for the fact that this three hours has come to an end. Will Chelsea and Christen pity party their way to a new ABC show? Will Annaliese handcuff herself to Kamil? Will John pick a new victim? Tune in for part two tonight and we’ll all struggle through this together.
Images: Courtesy of ABC; Giphy (7)
Welcome back to part two of my own personal hell: The Bachelor season finale. Lol I bet you thought we were done with this shit. NOPE. Thanks to our friends at ABC we’re required to sit through a casual TWO MORE HOURS of this fresh hell known as Arie’s Choice. After watching Becca cry for a solid 45 minutes last night I think it’s safe to say that I’d rather peel my skin off with a rusty spoon than listen to Arie explain why he decided to dump her for Lauren B on national television, but by all means, ABC, continue wasting my fucking time. You may proceed with After The Final Rose.
Chris Harrison opens up the episode by asking everyone how they slept last night after watching a woman’s heart be torn apart for our viewing pleasure. And honestly Chris, I’ve never slept better knowing that I’ll never come into contact with a greying man who has fabulous hand gestures.
Becca is literally falling apart on the floor. Meanwhile, Arie rides off into the sunset barely containing his utter glee at not being shackled to her for the rest of his life.
Awww. Well isn’t this a touching fucking moment? Arie’s listening to Jason give him advice on how best to fuck over a woman. So sweet.
Okay, does Becca realize she can tell those cameras to go fuck off now? Like, why is she letting them come into her house and watch her have an emotional break down? I mean, unless she’s getting paid to look at old pictures of her ex and cry into her single, empty house, then by all means cash in on your humiliation.
Suspicious AF
WAIT. Why did Lauren just leap into Arie’s arms like that? How many nudes messages did these two exchange since Peru?? This is soooo fucking shady.
ARIE: I’m willing to make it up to Lauren not just today but every day at least a few days longer than with Becca.
So let me get this straight. The two of them reconciled things on New Years Eve aka the standard day for fuckboys to slide into your DMs and ruin your year one last time? Fitting.
Lauren’s like, “Was there ever a point where you felt more of a connection with Becca” and it’s like, you did hear that he actually proposed to her right?
I would love to be a fly on the wall during this off-screen “conversation” they had because this was way too easy for Lauren to just take him back.
Chris brings Baby Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Caroline, and Kendall up on stage and poses the question of if they think it was wrong for ABC to air that breakup footage, which is a little like putting a metaphorical gun to the heads of their future Bachelor spin-off careers but, yes, I’m sure they’ll answer open and honestly here.
Lol Kendall just said she actually liked watching Becca be emotionally eviscerated on national television. But then again she also likes to play with the skins of dead animals, so we can’t always trust that girl’s judgement.
They bring Becca out and she gets a standing fucking ovation even though she’s dressed like she’s headed to my grandma’s disco party back in 1974. She’s definitely only wearing this number because it’s slutty and it’s a strategy that I applaud.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think it was wrong for us to air that footage?
BECCA: I want to be the next Bachelorette so… no?
Seriously, Chris, did you expect her to say anything else? I wouldn’t be surprised if ABC is using her very cute Corgi as collateral by holding him hostage until Becca admits that it was okay for ABC to exploit her misery for better ratings. Becca blink once if little Max Kupjoooce is safe, twice if you need me to call the governor of Minnesota.
Also, can we talk about the fact that people are sending Becca money on Venmo because her ex-boyfriend is trash? Like if I had known all it took to get free money was to be publicly humiliated on TV, I would have done it years ago.
I love that she wants to donate the money though. I mean, I’m sure she’s only saying that because she wants to be the next Bachelorette but I’m still here for it. And ABC shadily being like “well we’ll match whatever you donate.”
Damn. They must really be getting some threats on social media to resort to charity donations. I know that goes against literally everything Mike Fleiss stands for.
OMFG they’re bringing Arie out. THIS. IS. NOT. A. DRILL. Do we think the collective boos coming from the audience would be powerful enough to blow his sorry ass back to Peru?
BECCA: How did you know you didn’t want to be with me anymore?
ARIE: Well, once I had another girl already lined up. Obviously.
Honestly, there’s not much to say about this Becca/Arie confrontation. Arie is a selfish piece of shit who only looks even the tiniest bit remorseful because he doesn’t want a horde of irate 25-year-olds hopped up on rosé and baggage from their past relationships to key his car in the middle of the night.
Arie, I’ll see you at midnight.
Lol Chris just goes, “And what do you wish for Arie, Becca?” Um that he dies in a horrible, fiery car crash. Obviously.
I have nothing to say about this Jason and Molly interview except if Jason thinks Arie’s about to move out to LA and give up all of his Instagram endorsements to “work on his relationship” then he’s lost his damn mind. How will he make a living without selling laxative tea?? ‘Cause we certainly know it won’t be through real estate anymore. Especially after this shit show.
It’s time to bring out Lauren and I for one can’t wait to see her new switch board modifications. I’ve heard they’re state-of-the-art. Now that she has to pose as a real-live girl for the rest of her life however long she manages to hold Arie’s attention she’ll need to actually show at least a sliver of human emotion to the public.
CHRIS HARRISON: I can’t imagine what’s going through your mind right now.
LAUREN: Neither can I!
ME: I see there’s still a few kinks in the programming…
Also, wtf is Lauren wearing? What is with these girls and lace this season? I mean, clearly she’s trying to distance herself as much as possible from the word “home wrecker” with this number, but still.
Watching Arie and Lauren play footsie in the hot seat is honestly the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in the last five hours I’ve been watching this godforsaken finale. His HANDS are everywhere!
Wait. WAIT. IS HE GOING TO FUCKING PROPOSE TO HER?? While Becca’s stands off camera crying into her former ENGAGED hands?? This is the most insensitive, fucked up thing I’ve ever seen. Like, your ex-girlfriend is still on the premises!
Also, does anyone else feel like this is less about romance and more about the fact that Arie just didn’t want to have to pay for his own ring? 
Chris tells us that we’re finally going to find out who the new Bachelorette is and it’s like, fucking finally. I’ve only spent a small eternity watching this damn show. And the new Bachelorette is…. Becca! I, mean, I’m pretty sure the public blackmailed ABC into making that decision, but whatever I’ll take it.
Okay, watching all of these girls clamour to touch one inch of Becca’s skin to prolong their fame is excruciating to watch. Tia, stop pretending like you didn’t think it was going to be you!
Ugh. Does Chris think he’s clever by starting the new season of The Bachelorette right this fucking second? First of all, you pulled this shit last season so don’t act like you just re-invented the After The Final Rose wheel. Second of all, Becca literally just confronted her ex-fiancé, watched said ex-fiancé watch propose to his new girlfriend five minutes later, and now you want her to start dating again? Are you a sociopath?? When a Hinge date ghosts me after four dates I need at least three weeks and a Law & Order SVU marathon to even want to see a guy breathe near me, much less date one again, so I can only image the emotional whiplash Becca must be feeling.
They bring out the first victim dude and he gets more speaking time than the entire cast of The Bachelor Winter Games. While he’s beautiful, I can’t understand a damn word he’s saying. If this is another Nick Viall lisp situation then we have nothing to look forward to people.
Okay, I actually don’t hate the banjo guy. I, mean, the song he’s playing and the jacket he’s wearing are making me want to take 12 Advil and drink until I can’t feel my feet, but his overall intention is cute so I’m here for it.
The fourth guy starts off strong by apologizing for his entire gender. Fine. you can stay.
Sidenote: I love that every single guy is starting off his little speech by telling Becca how brave she is for even leaving her house. Yes, because every girl likes to know that she’s special be treated like a trauma victim.
The last guy just made a dad pun and reminds me of the guy I dated in college who wore chubbys even in the winter so I automatically like him. But if he thinks Becca is getting up on that horse in a dress that has a slit up to her vagina he’s got another thing coming. Like, she’s already been humiliated enough times in the past 24 hours without having her vaginal lips displayed for the viewing audience back home.
And on that note, I’M FUCKING OUT OF HERE. It was a good season, in the sense that Arie has continued to fuel my rage against the opposite sex. Thanks for that, ABC. Anyways, see you betches at the Bachelorette mansion!
Images: Giphy (4); @ariejr /Instagram (1); @tiarachel91 /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
In this week’s exciting episode, the girls are jetted off to Paris for a week of urine-soaked streets, possible pick-pockets, and line dancing at the world’s most famous strip club. Europe is so magical. Speaking of magical, I’m taking over The Bachelor recap this week since the betch that usually writes them is like, probably also in Europe I assume. I mean, where else does anyone go these days?
Scary hands-having Bachelor Arie entertained us even more this week with his deep downward spiral into actually becoming one of the women. At least he didn’t cry this week … that we saw.
The girls take in all the sights and sounds of the city, talking about the ZEN/SIN river (American education—I see you), gondola rides (send help), and the majestic hotel boat providing by Uniworld which I’ve literally never fucking heard of.
Out of nowhere, Chris Harrison shows up to appear disinterested offer super helpful advice to Arie while they both say the words JOURNEY and AMAZING as much as possible. Where will Chris spend the next week? Does he jet down to Nice for a nude beach adventure? Is he hanging out with Quasimodo at Notre Dame? Is he busy getting shithoused in Bordeaux? The world needs to fucking know.
We switch back to the girls sitting around admiring Krystal’s Grease-inspired outfit just as Lauren B. gets picked for a super exciting Euro date.
Did Krystal raid Olivia Newton-John’s closet for this black number? Did Bekah M make a stop at OshKosh for this child’s romper?
One-On-One With Lauren B
Lauren B, human wallpaper, is whisked away on a boat and meandering tourist date with world’s most feminine man Arie for what feels like a full 24 hour kidnapping. While I was only slightly interested in the riveting conversation literal silence and comments on wheels of cheese going on, I couldn’t help but notice THE HICKEY ON ARIE’S NECK. DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
After traipsing through the city and not getting mugged, the happy couple heads to a quaint dinner. It starts out pretty much in the same vein as the rest of the date:
ARIE: Let’s toast to a silent date—it was so perfect
LAUREN B: Cheers omg
ARIE: This Champagne is so good
LAUREN B: This is amazing
ARIE: It was so busy today. Paris was insanely busy.
LAUREN B: I was so scared.
ARIE: I could see you were scared. It’s k.
LAUREN B: Thanks for saying that.
ARIE: No pressure
LAUREN B: Mmmkay.
ME: 
Lauren B proceeds to tell Arie how hard it is to open up to him which is, like, slightly understandable considering she’s known him for about four hours. Out of NOWHERE, Arie lays his balls on the table and talks about his baby mama which NO ONE knew he had and how said baby mama proceeded to have a miscarriage. This was some heavy shit. “I totally get your trust issues since MY BABY DIED.”
Unable to function because of Arie’s sob story
Lauren B tries to one-up Arie’s dead baby story with a broken engagement story but, understandably, falls a little short. She still gets the rose tho, because we can’t all have dead children stories to lay on the line.
Group Date At The Moulin Rouge
Surprise, it’s group date time, and the producers at ABC decide to take the girls and Arie to the not-at-all sketchy area of Montmartre where the Moulin Rouge is. The girls proceed to literally shit themselves and offer up some real gems of quotes:
GIRL 1: Wait is it really the Moulin Rouge
GIRL 2: OMGGGGG HOLY SHITTTTTT
GIRL 3: This is SO amazing, omg, this is the best thing to happen to me (v sad)
Thus commences roughly five to 10 minutes of screaming. Is it that exciting? I almost got mugged here. The girls and Arie then meet Miss Janet, the madam—err, head stage lady at the Moulin Rouge. Miss Janet’s accent is notably not French. Is it Australian? German? British? Who IS SHE?
The girls proceed to attempt to learn a v complicated stripper routine and Seinne, apparently a dancer, fucking slaaaaaays. Tia fumbles through, which surprises literally no one. Arie looks on, assessing, judging, being creepy.
Once the outfits are on, Arie definitely picks the girl he feels dances best looks best in a thong, to be revealed later. Seinne totally fucks up despite her glam outfit. WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU, SEINNE! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!
The girls go upstairs for a cocktail date to quell the fears of watching one of their own dance nearly naked in front of hundreds of strangers at the world’s most famous strip club. Arie gets some great one-on-one time with Tia while he strokes her leg with his really odd hands and then skips right to Bekah M for a discussion about being cute and how jealousy is a real human emotion. Bekah’s lashes really distract me during this time, since they remind me of spiders and I really don’t like spiders.
After staring into Bekah’s spider eyes, Arie spends some time with Seinne, during which she says something French and then gets uncomfortably tongue-kissed by Arie. 10 points to Gryffindor.
Despite the French talking and Tia’s leg strokes, Arie predictably gives the rose to ol’ spider lashes—Bekah M. Flash forward to all the girls now forced to sit in the Moulin Rouge with a bunch of horny old French men and watch Bekah and Arie make out on stage. Anyone else think Bekah really pulled off that blonde wig? No? Just me? K.
Kendall And Krystal: The Two-On-One
After listening to Krystal horrifyingly declare herself wife material, it’s time for the two-on-one date with Krystal and Kendall. “This is going to be a very weird day”—Kendall says what everyone is thinking.
Krystal shows up in an outfit she definitely would have found in her dad’s country club attire wardrobe if her whole family didn’t live in a bowling alley.
Arie proceeds to stunningly illustrate the wonders of an old Chateau with his ironclad grasp of art, literature, and history: “I love these old oil paintings.”
Whichever producer thought it would be hilarious to dump two semi-dumb blondes into a maze and watch how fast they can find cheese love, I applaud you. Is the maze a metaphor? For love? For journeys and paid endorsements in the name of love? For how lost Arie feels? Krystal quickly wins—likely because she’s a terrible person and cheated—but also because Kendall isn’t very good at puzzles.
No one seems to win anything after being put through the maze, which is disappointing. Arie proceeds to steal Krystal away for a quick chat about how krazy she actually is. She proceeds to enlighten him with Instagram inspirational quotes and wisdom:
KRYSTAL: I’m so sorry I didn’t come talk to you and I don’t wanna throw away ALL THE COLOR AND TEXTURE AND DEPTH OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
They then make up, make out, and make us all uncomfortable with a lot of strange hand placement.
Krystal then proceeds to throw Kendall under the bus by telling Arie she’s not ready for marriage, which feels weird coming from a woman who doesn’t feel human emotions.
Now it’s Kendall’s turn in the woods with Arie, which is a sentence I really never wanted to type. Real talk—this girl is very normal and down-to-earth for someone who stuffs and travels with dead animals on the reg. Basic bitch and backstabber Arie proceeds to recount his convo with Krystal to Kendall, probably hoping they’ll have a topless French mud fight for his amusement. Kendall is shooketh. She returns to the lounging area and confronts Krystal about her shit-talking in a v mature way. Krystal is on the defensive and takes a page from Becca’s playbook, asking Kendall why she’s even here.
OH NO SHE DIDN’T.
Kendall spits some truth: “Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t mean you win; it means you hurt somebody.” Kendall’s mind-fucking abilities become legendary at this exact moment, and Krystal begins sparking from the ears and bursts into flames.
Arie comes back from his forest adventure and decides that, well, he can’t decide which girl to keep, so he FUCKING LEAVES THEM BOTH THERE TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH. In reality he just tells them to meet him for dinner so they can arm wrestle for his love in a nice restaurant, but we all would have rather seen the other thing.
Everyone arrives at a very nice restaurant with a v nice view of the Eiffel Tower. Krystal took some Xanax time to think about her response and stone-faced Kendall isn’t here for her shit.
KENDALL: You can’t connect with people
KRYSTAL: Yes I can
KENDALL: I really don’t think you know how
KRYSTAL: YES I CAN
KENDALL: Sounds good
KRYSTAL: PUURRRFECT
Arie arrives, right on schedule, and Krystal proceeds to blatantly lie about what she and Kendall have been discussing. “It’s so magical and worth it to be here *BABY PORN SIGH*”. Kendall doesn’t validate any of the bullshit coming from Krystal’s mouth, which just adds to her appeal at this point.
Arie’s spidey senses are tingling, and he takes Kendall back to chat. WE NEVER SEE THIS CHAT. WHAT HAPPENED. WE DEMAND ANSWERS. RELEASE THE TAPES.
Suddenly they return to world’s saddest restaurant, where Arie proceeds to PICK KENDALL.
The happy couple then leave Krazy Krystal alone with the Eiffel Tower and dessert. As the girls watch Krystal’s suitcase rolled away, they pop Champagne.
KRYSTAL: I am floored. I am just floored. I’m so confused … I just felt like, abandoned … does he really want a strong confident woman? I was weak and I’m NEVER WEAK.
ME: 
Poor Krystal just wants to be loved. We watch her cry and talk about weakness while Arie and Kendall make out, sad music swells, and she stares out a window, longingly.
The One-On-One With Jacqueline
Somehow, Jacqueline—let’s call her Jackie cause I don’t feel like typing Jacqueline—gets a one-on-one date and ABC is CLEARLY wanting every drunk white woman in America to think she’s going home. Arie shows up to get her in a clearly too-good-for-him car which he proceeds to break and pretend to fix.
ARIE: There’s like, an air pressure thing-a-ma-doodle I have to fix
JACKIE: I love when men know things about things and do things about things.
This whole exchange moderately distracts from the fact that Jackie literally just made a comparison between their date and shooting a pony. I worry about her.
As they wander away from the car, leaving it to be poached by Parisian car bandits, Arie takes a page out of the Becca K. playbook and Pretty Woman’s the shit out of Jackie, but like, with more Champagne and less actual shopping. Jackie proceeds to overplay her confidence card and ends up looking drunk, sad, and desperate, so I identify with her a lot more now.
They wander up to a very dark and scary restaurant which, I don’t understand why it’s so scary and dark in the middle of the day? Anyway, Jackie immediately launches into her insecurities, which is a rookie fucking move. She accuses Arie of not being that excited about her, and that he’s really just fascinated by the fact that she knows three or more syllable words and doesn’t need an Instagram endorsement to make money. Arie adds fuel to the fire by telling Jackie he does think she’s too smart for him (honestly, not a high bar to begin with) and then gives her the old “I don’t want to hold you back” speech. America collectively readies itself to wave au revoir to bird-face Jackie.
BUT IN A DRAMATIC TWIST Arie keeps Jackie around, probably so that he can a) say he dated a smart girl and b) kick her off next week.
“I don’t see your ambitions and dreams as a hindrance” —OH THANK YOU ARIE YOU ARE SO KIND LET ME MAKE YOU A SANDWICH.
The Rose Ceremony
Where the fuck is Arie staying? What a sad hotel compared to the clearly superior accommodations provided by Uniworld U boat river lines. The girls file into a strange museum/art space that feels off-putting in a way I can’t quite put my finger on. Further adding to my and America’s confusion is Tia’s figure skating/stripper combination jumpsuit that really looks like it came from a boutique in Arkansas. Someone help this girl.
Lord, Jesus fix it.
Arie shows up and proceeds to give a very cliché speech about Paris being the city of love but that he has to kick some bitches off tonight. I may have been drunk during this part. Tia’s pantsuit clearly charms Arie and she, Becca K., and Seinne get roses. Sadly, single mommy and sob-story-teller Chelsea and Jenna Eyebrows get kicked off. Real talk—I def thought Chelsea’s sad story and one-on-one would secure her another week, but I guess I was wrong.
Jenna proceeds to really, and I mean REALLY ugly cry and slobber all over herself. Chelsea borderline keeps it together and probs cements her spot on the next Bachelor spin-off show.
Tuscany is next on Arie’s adventure tour, BUT BEFORE THE END, we catch a glimpse of Lauren B totally shit talking Jackie and everyone else regarding how not easy this journey is. Will she turn on the girls, go full Misery and sequester Arie in a hotel room alone, break his legs, and forbid him from ever leaving her? Stay tuned.
Images: ABC (5); Giphy (8)
And like that, the most boring season of The Bachelor ended just as quickly as Nick Viall’s post-Dancing With The Stars career. It’s so sad. Almost.
RAVEN MEETS THE FAM
We begin the episode with Raven, who has no idea that despite the fact that the other woman in the equation has spent literally every second of every one of her dates fighting with Nick, she is not the frontrunner and the entire audience knows it.
Raven: I think Nick really likes me! This is going well.
Narrator/The Universe: It was not, in fact, going well.
Raven gets to meet Nick’s family for the second time, and does all the things one normally does when meeting someone’s family on a reality dating show. She toasts “to family” and tells everybody who can listen that she’s in love with Nick.
Raven: I feel really great about mine and Nick’s relationship. I am in love with him. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.
Nick’s Dad: How do you think Nick feels?
Raven: ……………..
Most importantly, she gets in good with Nick’s little sister Bella, who will now learn the hard way that nobody gives a fuck what a 12-year-old girl has to say about anything.
Nick’s Mom: After meeting Raven, she just seems like such an honest, true person. I just can’t imagine her hurting anybody.
Me, Three Champagnes Deep: Lol yeah except that dude she stabbed with a shoe.
VANESSA MEETS THE FAM
Then Raven fucks off pretty fast so that the audience can be treated to 30 full minutes of Vanessa’s bullshit as she meets Nick’s family and somehow manages to turn a delightful dinner into a full-on Viall family cry-fest, so at least we finally understand why Nick cries so fucking much. It’s a genetic thing.
Vanessa starts out strong by telling Nick’s family about the time that she puked on him, which she is able to Kellyanne Conway-style spin into a beautiful love story.
Vanessa: And then, I vomited on him.
Nick’s Dad: Wow, I’m crying.
Nick’s Mom: I am also crying.
Nick: I have been crying for three weeks straight.
Bella: Where is Raven?
Vanessa, who has repeatedly said she’s never watched a full season of The Bachelor, then reveals to each parent that she’s not sure if she wants to get engaged and give up her weekly Sunday spaghetti festival with the fam, which would be cool if “getting engaged” wasn’t kind of the entire fucking point of the show. Like, did Vanessa not know that she lived in Canada before applying to be on The Bachelor? She seems to be genuinely confused about the whole immigrating to the U.S. thing. Though, in her defense, that whole process is a bit more complicated these days.
Also, did anybody else know that Nick and his dad have the same crying face? Because they totally do.
NICK & VANESSA’S DATE
We then segue right into Nick and Vanessa’s date, where Nick manages to do the impossible yet again: pick a date that’s somehow EVEN WORSE than the last one (which, if you’ll recall, was the Ice Bucket Challenge). Because after a segment of Vanessa and Nick crying, the audience was obviously hungry for more.
And by “more,” of course, I mean “Santa,” because that’s what Nick and Vanessa’s date is. Meeting Santa.
Why Santa? Why now? Why does this Santa live in such a tiny house with no reindeer, elves, or Mrs. Clause to be found? Why does this Santa have such a deep, sultry voice? Why is Vanessa sitting so close to Santa? She’s kind of all over him? Now she’s all over Nick? Are Nick and Vanessa going to have a 3-way with this Santa? Is Nick going to CHOOSE SANTA?!?
Sadly, none of these questions are answered—I maintain that the three of them did hookup off camera—but the Santa does bestow upon them his blessing and the gift of a wood carving.
Santa: Here is a wood carving. It says “Niko and Venla” and it will bring you happiness and fertility.
Vanessa: Umm…I specifically asked you for an iPhone?
NICK & RAVEN’S DATE
Okay, thank God, Raven is back. And oh look, they’re going on a normal date for normal individuals, aka ice skating. A little bit high school but, hey, at least there isn’t a random sexually charged Santa involved. Also, given the amount of snow and ice everywhere, both of them need at least three more layers, a hundred scarves, and to zip their fucking coats up. The mom in me was losing my shit watching these two slowly develop pneumonia.
Raven and Nick have what looks to be a legitimately fun time ice skating. Nobody cries. Not even Raven when Nick tries to recreate their mud makeout sesh by plopping her ass down on the cold AF ice and attacking her face.
Sidebar to Raven: In the future, you can totally tell dudes you don’t want to make out on top of a pile of ice. You are a strong 25-year-old woman who has had (maybe) one orgasm in her life and you deserve to make out at a reasonable temperature. #Feminism.
Nick then does something that literally every girl has dreamed of seeing on a date and reveals that there have been puppies here the whole time. Why Raven didn’t just take the puppies and bolt at that moment I’ll seriously never know, but instead she spends her final moments letting Nick know that she, unlike Vanessa, is a U.S. citizen with no outstanding Sunday commitments and is totally DTGE—Down To Get Engaged.
THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
As soon as we see the end of Raven’s sparkly-ass I-think-I’m-at-the-Met-gala dress coming out of the limo, all our suspicions are confirmed: Nick is a messy bitch who lives for drama, and for that reason he has chosen a life of fighting with Vanessa over an eternity with Raven in (possibly faked) orgasmic bliss.
Raven handles her rejection like a boss, doing something that very few Bachelor contestants have ever managed to do and just shutting the fuck up for the entirety of her rejection. Unlike her now-ex boyfriend, Raven doesn’t even fucking cry. She just stares at him with a look that says “I would beat the shit out of you with my stiletto if there weren’t so many cameras on me rn.”
Then Nick shoves Raven into a limo without her coat, so that she can get her cold ass out of Finland and start getting ready for BiP where she belongs.
Cue Vanessa, who also opted for sparkles paired with a fur coat. Wonder if she’ll get to keep hers.
Vanessa arrives and tells Nick how, despite her thinking he’d “never notice her,” he actually “noticed every part” of her, which I consider a confirmation of the whole Santa-threeway theory.
Nick finally proposes to Vanessa who, after a very long and drawn-out voice over where she describes not wanting to accept Nick’s proposal if he’s “only doing it to put a ring on her finger”, immediately accepts his proposal and allows him to put a ring on her finger.
So what is the lesson that we learned here, betches? It is totally okay to be annoying AF and constantly pick fights with your boyfriend, you can even throw up in his face on your first date, just so long as you back that shit up by looking amazing in a high-cut blue onepiece. How fucking sweet.
Continue on to our After The Final Rose recap here!
