In case you were ready for Arie Luyendyk Jr. and the advanced humanoid ABC hand-crafted in the Bachelor studio last season posing as his fiancée to finally fade into obscurity where they rightfully belong, think again! Because Arie and Lauren just announced their wedding date and location, officially bouncing back into the spotlight mere days before Becca’s season of The Bachelorette premieres. What fortuitous timing for them! Now, I’m not saying that Arie and Lauren were trying to steal Becca’s thunder by literally throwing their wedding in her face during a time that’s supposed to be all about HER and HER love story, but I’m also not not saying that Arie would miss an opportunity to fuck over his ex one last time. Ya know?
Sooo not only did he embarrass her on national TV and take that giant engagement ring back, but now he’s got rain on her parade less than one week before she DOES THE DAMN THING? And to those of you who are doubting if the timing of this announcement was, in fact, intentional, that’s like, so cute of you to think. Seriously, bless your heart. But you don’t think this announcement could have waited literally one more week? Like, if Arie and Lauren are soooo happy in their condo in Arizona, maybe they could have given Becca at least one week where the world isn’t talking about how happy her ex is. I mean, has the girl not suffered enough? Judging by that heinous lace blazer she wore in her latest promo, she’s been having a tough time of it. LET THE GIRL LIVE, ARIE!
One more time for the people in back: YOU’RE TRASH, ARIE!
People reports that the happy couple are planning to get married in Hawaii on January 12th of next year. And, like, why you gotta do this to Hawaii? First, they’ve got to deal with Kilauea erupting and swallowing up their homes, and then as if that wasn’t enough, the world’s worst Bachelor of all time is going to bring his cardboard cutout bride there to desecrate the beautiful state some more with their limited vocabulary and backstabbing ways?
Sidenote: People, you’re embarrassing yourself rn. WHERE is your journalistic integrity? First, you decide to reward Ashley I and her eyelash extensions by releasing
her 8th grade diary “The Story of Us” vlog where she humble brags about finally getting a boyfriend, and now this? What’s next? An in-depth look at the creative genius behind “Bitch, I’m Bella Thorne”?
Anyway, back to the wedding announcement that literally no one asked for. In an interview with The View, Arie said this about his upcoming nuptials:
“It’s in Maui — it’s at Haiku Mill which has this beautiful, old world feel with a lot of vines and greenery… It’s not your typical beach wedding. And it’s a private wedding, so not on TV — just a close group of friends. Probably 100 guests.”
Lol so it’s a private wedding and yet Arie announces on live fucking television the exact coordinates to the venue? I’m also assuming that the 100 or so “close group of friends” invited to the wedding include Arie and Lauren’s Instagram endorsement reps, beloved producers, a People magazine reporter, and most popular Bachelor cast mates. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Arie.
Also, I do not for one fucking second think this wedding will be anything but a typical beach wedding. For one, it’s in Hawaii, which as far as destination weddings go, is about as unique as Lauren’s vocabulary. Then there’s the fact that the couple getting married are Arie and Lauren, two people whose idea of a good time involves spending an evening watching their own Instagram stories and murmuring “love it” to each other from across the room. Yes, I’m sure I’ll be dazzled by the ceremony.
Well, fam, that’s all I have to report for now. We still have four whole days until Becca is set to have her moment in the sun, so I’m sure at least three more former Bachelor contestants will come forward to compete for her limelight. Fingers crossed Dean comes through to break my heart one more goddamn time!
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (2); bellathorne /Instagram (1)
I know, I know, y’all thought we were finally done talking about the most boring Bachelor season of all time. Well folks, I also thought that come springtime I would no longer get snowed on INSIDE the fucking subway platform, but we can’t always get what we want, can we? Anyway, when Arie and his animatronic fiancée, Lauren got engaged on After the Final Rose, it seemed that even they could sense the homicidal vibe in the audience and in my living room. So they announced that they would be taking a hiatus from social media, and Bekah M giggled maniacally to herself imagining all the extra Insta followers she would pick up in their absence. But the problem with casting dummies for a national reality TV show is that they most certainly don’t know the meaning of the word hiatus (it means a pause or gap, sweetie, look it up). Arie and Lauren have been posting on social media, and somebody needs to call them out on it.
Not only did the
trash golden couple lie to us, but they have been extra af with their posts during this supposed hiatus. And look, I understand why they didn’t stop posting. Lauren definitely only went on the show for the Insta fame, and I’m sure she holds those 500,000 new followers close at night while she cries quietly to herself and wonders why she accepted a proposal from the poor man’s Zach Braff. And Arie has to keep posting because he heard that’s what millennials do. Lauren, she keeps him young. But, as I told my ex-boyfriend before I almost set his house on fire, I just don’t appreciate being lied to, okay? So, since I don’t want you to have to give up any precious follows to these morons, I’ve generously rounded up the most gag-worthy shit #Larie has posted on social media since their vow to take a break. You’re welcome.
As Lauren would say, “wow.” What a beautiful and revolting shot. I guess Arie and Lauren didn’t get their fill of free vacations during the show, because this trip is clearly sponsored by the fancy hotel they’re staying in. Aren’t they supposed to indicate that, BTW? Isn’t not doing so illegal?
Me on the phone with Instagram rn:
Also, who took this photo for them? Did they drag some poor soul up to the roof of this hotel to watch the infamous kissing bandit tongue his second fiancée of the year? Just FYI Arie and Lauren, not everyone with a camera is there for you anymore. They could just be a tourist on a vacation they paid for themselves. Imagine!!
Now we’ve gotten to the obligatory IndyCar photoshoot portion of Arie’s relationship. This post includes both a video and some pictures from the trip Arie and Lauren took to the race track. Not shockingly, all we hear Lauren say in the video is “so cool” and “thank you.” I’m impressed that she has expanded her vocabulary so much since the show! Snaps for Lauren.
I also find nothing more annoyingly nauseating than couples that dress alike. I don’t care if that’s some protective gear, I’d rather go up in flames than dress in the same outfit as my significant other. I also hate to break it to Lauren, but it seems like Arie might be recycling some more old moves. Yikes.
Nope. Nope. There is so much nope in this photo. First, Arie, the fact that you call yourself an “Instagram fiancé” actually made me throw up a little in my mouth. For the sake of transparency I will tell you I am quick to vomit, but this one is totally on him. Literally no one cool on the face of the earth has referred to themselves this way. Also, Lauren used this phrase on her own similar Insta post, so he clearly took this idea from her. It’s like that one time I told my dad that a friend’s wedding was going to be ratchet and he liked it so much that for the next week he described all his business meetings as ratchet. My dad was still cooler than Arie.
It also pisses me off that he posted this picture of Lauren pretending to eat cinnamon buns. Like, we all know that Lauren spontaneously combusts within 500 feet of any pastry—the sticky frosting would just clog up hear gears!—so you definitely Photoshopped that in. At least give me something I can believe.
Okay, don’t you fucking DARE attempt to quote Friday Night Lights, Lauren. That show is sacred, and you’re ruining it for me. And Tim Riggins is MINE, even if he ran away from me on the street that one time.
Sorry, rage blackout over. Like every basic bitch I know, Arie and Lauren went to Iceland. I’d like to give a pat on the back to whoever does Iceland’s PR, because that country is literally more popular than Michael B. Jordan’s abs in Black Panther. And being a basic bitch myself, I’m super fucking jealous of this trip. *sips skinny vanilla latte*
So there’s your official roundup of the most annoying posts Arie and Lauren have put up since their social media break. There are a bunch of others, but I’ve decided to quit before I claw my eyes out. Check them out at your own risk, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Images: @laureneburnham, @arie jr / Instagram (4); knowyourmeme; Author
Now that The Bachelor has ended and we are all in shock about what a piece of SHIT he is—I’m sorry, by “shock” I mean, we all fucking knew but he further proved it—there is only one remaining question. Exactly when did all of this shit happen? From the episode, it seemed like Arie proposed to Becca, popped the Champagne, had a romantic weekend getaway, and then was like, “You know, I’ve fucked you enough times now, so I’m going to go fuck Lauren instead.” But then during After the Final Rose, Chris and the women kept throwing out dates. Chris said, “a few weeks later”, the girls said over a month. So when exactly did this destruction occur? How long did Arie Needledick wait until proposing to another woman? How many times can you realistically do that in a month? Let’s break it down. We did some Pulitzer prizeworthy investigation to bring you a timeline of Arie and Lauren’s relationship.
September 2017: The Bachelor begins filming. Becca and Lauren meet the man who is going to ruin their lives.
November 2017: Filming wraps up. Becca is happy and engaged. Lauren is either heartbroken or completely thrilled. It’s hard to tell because she is a soulless void, so I guess she just resumed being soulless but now at her house instead of on television.
December 2017: Arie begins creeping on Lauren by liking her Instagram photos. It’s literally like he took fuckboy lessons. Step 1. Slide into the DMs. Step 2. Ruin her life. What’s even weirder? He wasn’t even following Lauren at the time! This was a haunting the likes of which we have never seen.
So the proposal with Becca took place mid-end of November. They get a few days to themselves in Peru, then they come home, and by then it’s December and Arie is already seeking out our favorite robot. Classy.
The Bachelor may be over, but the drama is only just beginning. Now Arie and Lauren have to defend their relationship while the world—okay, America, it really isn’t that deep—watches, and while Becca becomes the most sympathetic person in recent reality TV history. But should “the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history” really be that surprising? It isn’t for those who actually know Arie Luyendyk Jr. Before the season started, we sat down with Sydney Stempfley, Arie’s last ex before he became the Bachelor. After the shocking ending, we spoke to her again to get her thoughts on Arie’s proposal, the breakup, and whether we’ll see her on reality TV.
How do you feel like your life has changed since The Bachelor news coming out and the past season?
It’s definitely changed my life. It was hard to get away from talking about The Bachelor the entire time that it was on, so now that it’s finally over I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Right, because you didn’t choose to be in the spotlight this way—you just happened to date someone who eventually became the Bachelor.
Right, it was definitely not easy. I went through all the emotions, but now I’m finally in a place where I’m at peace with it all and I’m just happy being alone finally and just figuring out who I am in Scottsdale alone.
So you’re not seeing anyone?
I’m not. I’ve gone on dates but I’m not pursuing anyone.
Did you watch the past season of The Bachelor?
I watched some episodes, I would say I watched probably half of the season in no specific order—some weeks I did, some weeks I didn’t… I watched the finales though.
You basically predicted that this was going to happen. You tweeted something like, “Arie would be a great Bachelor until he has to pick just one.”
Right. It is very crazy and I am not one usually to get on Twitter. I randomly got on Twitter and tweeted that out, so for it to have gone so viral is crazy to me. I think it’s been seen by over a million people.
I hate to say I told you so butttt… https://t.co/qe5vAdwybV
— Sydney Stempfley (@sydneystempfley) March 6, 2018
What was your thought process when you were tweeting that?
Well first of all, I was drinking that day and I didn’t really think that it would ever be seen because I probably only had a couple followers at that point, so I was just putting it out there randomly. And I really had no reason, I just saw his name being tossed around on Twitter and I was like, exactly what I said: the show would be perfect for him up until it comes to choosing just one. He’s never had his focus on one girl.
How do you feel now given the whole proposal fiasco?
I can’t say that I’m surprised by it. I quite frankly don’t care what happens at this point. He’s gonna do what he wants to do, and good luck to both of them. I do feel for Becca, though. I’m actually shocked that he would agree to televise . I’m sure producers wanted it televised, but he could have said no. I don’t think he was forced to have it televised. So I think that was wrong on his end.
At least the good thing that came of it was Becca got to be the Bachelorette.
I said once before—she’s just another naive midwest girl.
Do you have any other thoughts about the ending?
Him and Lauren kept discussing and bringing up their undeniable chemistry and their magnetic attraction to each other, and I just didn’t get it. I know that there was a lack of communication on her end for sure, but I just didn’t feel it. And then when Chris Harrison put her on the spot on After The Final Rose and said, “why do you love Arie?” she kind of gave a very generic answer. So it makes me wonder.
We called her a robot throughout the season because she seemed so emotionless.
The one that I was dying laughing was you guys compared her personality to beige carpet. I was losing it.
One other thing that we talked about a lot was Arie’s hand gestures and how lots of people thought they were weird.
I guess I’ve never noticed that in person. And I did notice that a lot of people commented on the fact that they thought he was gay or whatever but I feel like it’s just… He’s very tall and lanky. I know he’s not gay. But I think it could be the European in him. Like, they sit with their legs more crossed than spread out, his dad does it too, and they just have some different things about them. It was very awkward to watch at times.
I’m sure it’s hard to have cameras on your every move, though.
Yes, and I think he was very aware that they were there. And I think he was trying to say and do the right things and be very suave. But it was not working for him.
I do feel like afterwards he had a good sense of humor, he kind of poked fun of himself after the fact.
Yes, and I think that on Twitter that is more so his personality, I don’t think show showed his personality. So I think that worked against him also, but I do think that it was pretty bland of a season.
Do you think people really apply to be on The Bachelor to fall in love?
I think it can go both ways. I think that the girls take it more seriously than the guys. Just like looking at all the Bachelorettes that are still with their fiancés, they’re doing it to fall in love more so than the guys. But I think that regardless, there is some sort of benefit , whether it be endorsement deals on Instagram or just being a part of Bachelor Nation, being an alumni and meeting the other Bachelors.
How do you feel about The Bachelor and reality TV in general, do you still think you’ll watch or are you over it?
I feel like I’ve kind of faded out over the past couple years anyway, I used to watch every episode of every season—but I also haven’t had a DVR, so that could be a reason why I haven’t watched every episode. So I think that I’ll still watch it when it’s on, but I’m just glad that I don’t have to see him anymore.
I’m sure all of America can agree. We’re all just so over it.
Do you feel like you’ve gotten your fill of the entertainment world?
For myself, yeah. I don’t think I’ll be applying for the show next season, I was really just doing that almost out of spite for Arie for breaking up with me and not really giving me a reason so I was just like, ‘I think I’ll try this and see how far it gets me.’ But yeah, I am just focused on myself and whoever comes my way.
Well, betches, I for one am glad this Saltine cracker of a season is over and I will never have to type out “Luyendyk” ever again… until Arie and Lauren break up. Until next season.
Unless you were like, living your own life this week, you should know that Arie Luyendyk Jr. officially established himself as the most abominable Bachelor of all time. Hand over that crown, Juan Pablo. Arie brought cameras with him to dump America’s newly minted sweetheart and then wouldn’t leave her alone when she told him to GTFO of her sight, continuing to prove his inability to express the bare minimum of human decency. After dumping Becca, Arie drove right to Lauren B’s house where she emerged perfectly preserved from her Barbie doll box without a hair out of place to greet her dream guy.
Needless to say, people were pissed. All of America, if you believe my favorite shady bitch Chris Harrison. They felt for Becca, who
signed up for this was so cruelly dumped on national TV. Something had to be done. Arie doesn’t deserve to be happy. Arie has to pay.
So fans decided to show Becca some support. Vulture reports that someone paid for 17 anti-Arie billboards blasting the shit out of him—12 in Minnesota, 4 in LA, and one in Times Square. This is making me slightly tempted into going to Times Square, but also I really don’t feel like being groped by Elmo today. I’ll just stick to being groped by the businessmen in Midtown, thanks. Sorry Becks.
In an effort to save you all from Elmo’s grabby hands, here’s what some of the billboards look like:
Following @KateAurthur‘s scoop about the anti-@ariejr billboards, I contacted Outfront Media — which owns the billboards — and got a little more info: There are 12 in Minnesota, four in LA, and one is going up in Times Square tonight. The company won’t disclose the cost. pic.twitter.com/2o1kxbTV6k
— Amy Kaufman (@AmyKinLA) March 6, 2018
FYI this tweet is from Amy Kaufman, author of the new book Bachelor Nation, which you can enter to win a copy of here. Not all heroes wear capes, folks.
I’m completely behind this public flogging of Arie, but it does make me wonder who is watching The Bachelor? Because I just watched Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and once I was able to wipe away my tears and see through the puffy slits I used to call eyes, I realized damn, billboards are expensive. And that was in MISSOURI, where I’m pretty sure you can put a down payment on a house with a pack of gum. So again, I ask you, who is watching The Bachelor? Jeff Bezos, was this you? Bill Gates, are you very invested in the love life of a tall brunette from the midwest? Frances McDormand, are you campaigning for a sequel? There is no other explanation for these anti-Arie billboards.
But guys, it is 2018. Could we not have just bought the domain name ArieSucks.com to achieve the same effect? If there are any rich readers out there want to fund that, hit me up. I’m happy to write the content.
Now that the most boring Bachelor season ever is coming to a close, it’s time for us to
celebrate the happy couple scrub that dumpster fire from our minds and focus on more uplifting things. Like the next bachelorette! Let me just warn you now, there are spoilers from The Bachelor finale ahead. So if you are the only person in America who doesn’t know what’s going down tonight, do not read any further. But please do come back tomorrow because I sacrificed my sleep for all of you to go into a deep dark Reddit hole and get the scoop. It was not pretty, and now neither am I. You’re welcome. Here are the contenders for the new Bachelorette.
1. Becca K.
Let’s get this obvious choice out of the way. Reality Steve says Becca K will be the new Bachelorette. As us spoiler-fiends know, on tonight’s finale, Arie picks Becca as his winner and proposes. Then, because Arie is actually just a middle-aged version of every fuckboy I’ve ever dated, he decides to break off the engagement with Becca and get back with Lauren B., presumably because he’s sick of banging Becca. Arie, I don’t think Jean Valjean would be very proud of you.
So, Arie, look what you made Becca do. She now has a great story for The Bachelorette. All of America will be on her side, and after being forced to watch an irrelevant race car driver attempt to look cool in leather jackets all season, America needs a new Bachelorette we can get behind. Honestly, the only way it won’t be her is if she says no or if ABC can find someone with a bigger sob story. So I guess it doesn’t matter that she’s about as memorable as her last few dates.
I literally have no memory of any of these dates. Either Becca’s dates are at the point of the evening when I get up for my second bottle of wine, or I should consult a doctor.
is maimed in an accident says no, Tia is definitely the close second. As my friends on the Reddit thread “Fingers Crossed Tia is NOT The Bachelorette” say, she was practically auditioning for the job at Women Tell All. They all think that because Chris Harrison kept asking if she was ready to find love again, ABC was trying to establish Tia as an option.
Honestly, I don’t hate this idea. I feel like Tia is way more interesting than they made her out to be on the show. She is from a town called Weiner! On her first night she legit asked the lamest Bachelor of all time if he had a small weiner. He managed not to burst into embarrassed flames solely because Tia was so cool about it. She’s also friends with Raven, who once beat her cheating boyfriend with a stiletto. Not that that says everything about Tia’s character, but one time my friend crashed an ex’s wedding in a white dress, and I’m not saying I’d do that but I’m also not not saying I’d do that, ya know? It’s about having the same spirit. So basically, I’d love to see Tia beat eat 25 Bachelorette contestants alive. Please excuse me while I create the Reddit thread “Fingers Crossed Tia IS The Bachelorette.”
Now we’ve entered the wild card portion of the article. Kristina was a contestant on Nick Viall’s season, the guy in the turtleneck speaking with a lisp. You know the one.
Kristina then appeared on last season’s Bachelor in Paradise, where she immediately formed a relationship with Deanie Babies. Dean did her wrong, though, and was two-timing her on the show and then again after the show. This poor Russian orphan cannot catch a break. Kristina has a great back story (the orphan thing), is beautiful, and has a voice that’s only slightly more grating than Nick’s. If I know anything about ABC, it’s that they love to exploit the tragedy of their leads for more viewers. It’s a shame one of her adoptive parents hasn’t recently died, then she’d really be a lock.
4. Amanda Stanton
My final guess for the new Bachelorette is
teen mom single mom Amanda Stanton. Let’s start with the important facts. Amanda has one of the largest Instagram followings of former Bachelor contestants. Which means people like her, and she has great hair from all those SugarBearHair vitamins. She also has two kids, which could be played for maximum drama throughout the season. I frequently re-watch the episode where Kinsley and Charlie shade the fuck out of Ben Higgins. There’s nothing better than when you look into the eyes of a child and all you see is darkness. It makes for great TV. Amanda also has the franchise’s ideal body type—really fucking skinny. Can’t go wrong.
I will admit I have an ulterior motive for presenting Amanda as an option though. Look at this DOG.
I deserve that pup on my screen every week and so do you. Amanda it is.
Images: Giphy (2), Amanda Stanton, Kristina Schulman, Becca Kufrin / Instagram
Congratulations all, we have nearly made it to the finale of the most
dramatic boring Bachelor season of all time! We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve shuddered at Kendall’s taxidermy room, we’ve made fun of Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s lack of vocabulary. Chris Harrison keeps promising he’s about to bring the drama, but I’ll believe it when I see it. You’ll be lucky if I don’t switch between the finale and an old episode of Monk, mmkay Chris?
As we’ve been saying, Arie Luyendyk Jr. and his fembot molded out of plain oatmeal and the brunette with the hot ex she should have definitely taken back have not exactly been bringing the personality this season. But I guess Arie has had enough of us making fun of him on this website, on Instagram, on Twitter (where he blocked us), on Snapchat, and to our mothers, because he is fighting back. All of a sudden his tweets (and occasional IG) are getting savage and the Zzzquil in a suit we know so well has lost all his chill.
episode of Snapped article, we will take a look at Arie’s most savage recent social media comments and examine what lead him to this point. Or, you know, just mock him mercilessly.
1. Arie Tells All
Bachelor in Paradise auditions wait I mean “Women Tell All”. ???? Tune in tonight, good old fashioned drama. #TheBachelor #Kristaaaaaaaaal #Glamshame #Bloopers #MissingKids #YouKnowWhatYouDid pic.twitter.com/eOGGd6Z2Zo
— Arie Luyendyk Jr. (@ariejr) February 25, 2018
Well isn’t that rich? The man who has starred on two shows in The Bachelor franchise is coming for women who are trying to make an honest living by getting just reality TV famous enough to cut a deal with SugarBearHair. Are you the only one who can be on more than one season, Arie? That’s some sexist bullshit. And you should know better than that—the smart ones go into The Bachelor with the intention of being on Paradise, not trying to score your boring old ass. You think Bekah M., the love child of Tinker Bell and a very delicate strain of marijuana, came into this looking to get married? Sweetie. That’s so cute. And do please leave the burns about desperate girls on dating shows to us. We’re better at it.
2. Arie Has No Time For Olivia Caridi
That’s a shame.. less material for your podcast! #ad https://t.co/AG58hgDiml
— Arie Luyendyk Jr. (@ariejr) February 20, 2018
Not only is Arie turning on his own former girlfriends, but he has also taken to shitting on contestants from other seasons that have managed to extend their 15 minutes slightly longer than he has. Since Olivia is from Beautiful Ben Higgins’ season, you might not remember her. This will jog your memory.
It’s all ringing a bell now, right? Look Arie, I don’t think Olivia should be punished for being well-liked. And it’s really your own fault that she’s working on her career and you’re working on sleeping your way through sorority row. Take a serious look inside and ask yourself, “who am I really mad at?”
3. Arie Is Like, Really Smart
I WAS AN ESL STUDENT! https://t.co/FNSMeK5piw
— Arie Luyendyk Jr. (@ariejr) February 20, 2018
Arie wants us all to know the reason he can’t pronounce words is that he took English as a second language. Fine, I understand that. The only languages I know are English and the Italian words that are in The Godfather, so I’m not going to mock someone who can speak multiple languages…except that this excuse is as flimsy as one of Bekah M’s dresses. I just checked the always reliable Wikipedia and it tells me that Arie came to America when he was three. Were 33 years of English not enough? At what point do we blame it on stupidity? And is ESL also the reason for the delicate hand gestures? In Arie’s defense, I do find his mispronunciations far less annoying than Nick Viall’s lisp and Chris Soules’ inability to string together full sentences around all the giggles. Hold that compliment close when you’re crying at night, Arie, because it’s the only one you’ll get from me. Capiche?
4. MySpace Arie
On Instagram, Arie is less savage, more pathetic. I actually thought this was a sad, handwritten book and not a social media platform. You’re showing your age, Arie. One, because this reads more like a MySpace post I wrote in middle school when my friends couldn’t understand why I was mad they went to the mall without me, and two, because this basically says “kids these days are such bullies.” Shake your cane some more, Arie. Maybe it will make you as muscular as Becca’s hot ex.
I’m sure after the finale we can expect more clapback attempts from Arie since the show continues to tease the drama. Arie claims he is “ready for the backlash”, but judging from how well he has handled criticism to date, I believe that as much as I believe Stassi’s lips were real on Winter Games. He’ll most likely be quietly crying about it in Lauren B’s arms, trying very hard to avoid getting tears on her motherboard.
Somehow we made it to The Bachelor: The Women Tell All and brace yourselves, people, because THE TEA IS ABOUT TO BE SPILLED. I know Chris Harrison literally says this about every tell-all, but I really do believe this might be the most dramatic episode ever. Why do I think this, you may ask? Because Arie just tweeted this v inspired message about tonight’s episode: “Bachelor in Paradise auditions wait I mean ‘Women Tell All’. Tune in tonight, good old fashion drama.” *slow claps* Okay, Arie. All the flavors in the world and you choose to be salty? Well, fam, if that’s not telling as to how this tell all is about to go then IDK what is. Let’s do this people!
Chris Harrison brings out the women, and it’s good to know that Jenna’s coke problem is still alive and well.
^^ Actual footage of Jenna at the tell-all
I mean, if it’s not a coke problem then I’m sincerely alarmed by her energy levels. Sincerely. Alarmed.
We’re 15 minutes into this tell-all and already talking about Bekah M and her age. Thank god I didn’t devise a drinking game around this or I’d already be wasted. Bekah keeps talking about how she’s feeling personally victimized by the
legal adults other women and I’ve honestly had enough of this bitch. If she didn’t want her age to be an issue than she shouldn’t have made it such a big deal in the first place by being literally the only woman to not disclose her age until she was forced to probably at gunpoint by a producer. BYE.
BEKAH: I’m sorry I can’t control that I was born in 1995!
Moving on. Chris invites Krystal up to the hot seat, and she seems to have matured since the last time we saw her. And by “matured” I mean she no longer sounds like a baby prostitute. Interesting. Let’s hope that this scandal is addressed here tonight.
Yo, are we finally getting to find out what the fuck happened during that group bowling date? ARE WE?? Is ABC actually going to give us an answer for once in the entire history of this godforsaken show?
Wait. So all Krystal did off camera during the bowling date was call Arie a needle dick? Descriptive, but also not that different from how I’ve been describing him for the past eight weeks, so.
Ah, my favorite moment during a tell-all: when the floor is opened for a public skewering. *turns up volume*
Bekah M, the girl who actively tried to hide her real age from Arie for six straight episodes, just urged Krystal to “be the real her!” and to be “open and honest with people!” Lol k.
Wow Caroline is auditioning HARD for her spot on Bachelor in Paradise. She’s like “how dare you hurt these ladies that I love with all my heart” and it’s like, didn’t you go home week three? Yeah, you love these ladies about as much as you’d love to endorse a tea that gives you the runs. Please.
Olivia, a girl whom I’ve never seen before in my entire life, asks Krystal the question that’s been plaguing me all fucking season: what. is. with. the. voice.
Lol did Krystal really just blame her voice change on a sore throat? Damn this girl is better at spinning facts than a Fox News anchor. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t going places!
Is Krystal trying to say that her competing for
Instagram endorsements Arie’s heart brought her brother out of homelessness? Not to nitpick here, but how does one watch The Bachelor if one is homeless? Hmm?
ME LISTENING TO KRYSTAL’S STORY RN:
It’s Seinne’s turn to take the hot seat and I can’t wait to hear all about how she cured cancer in her downtime during The Bachelor filming.
SEINNE: But watching it all back I realized
Arie wants someone with the personality of a door knob it wouldn’t have worked out.
I have nothing else to say about Seinne except that she and Oprah should run for president. #SeinneOprah2020
Andddd we’re back to debating Bekah’s age. Brb just going to go open more wine because I’m gonna need at least six glasses to get through listening to her defend her maturity
and her earring choice for the gazillionth fucking time.
Bekah brings up an excellent point about how none of the other young AF women competing over
a 37-year-old commitment phobe Arie were ridiculed for their age. Which might be true, but I’m having a hard time taking her seriously when the way she’s holding herself rn rivals Michelle Tanner in a time out.
Ah, yes. The infamous missing person’s report. I thought you’d never ask, Chris. Bekah tells a lovely story about how she went up north with some friends to a MARIJUANA CAMP just to “chill” after her time on the show. Honey, baby, sweetie. You really still think you were mature enough to get married to a man who wears cardigans and told you he goes to bed by 9pm? Really?? Your mother still expects you to text her when you get home from a party!
Surprise, sur-fucking-prise, Bekah is officially going to Paradise. And a
star FabFitFun model was born.
CHRIS HARRISON: Please don’t report your daughter missing this summer because she’ll be getting blackout with us on a beach in
It’s nice to know that she’s already got plans for her senior year spring break.
Moving on to Chris’s next victim: Tia. First of all, she looks amazing in that romper. This is a real step up from that Flintstone-inspired atrocity that assaulted my retinas last episode. Heartbreak looks good on you, girlfriend! Chris is like “I’m not sure if this makes things better or worse but Arie did tell me he had regrets about sending you home.”
So what I’m gathering from this entire episode is that Tia and Seinne are the frontrunners for The Bachelorette? I’m not mad about it.
They bring Arie out for the last 15 minutes of this shit show. Cool, cool. It’s not like I’ve spent the last two hours waiting for a room full of jilted women to rip him a new asshole. By all means, ABC, drag this out with one more fucking commercial break. You know how that thrills me.
Some highlights from my favorite parts of The Roast of Arie Lkjfnghbkjlgnhn Jr:
TIA: Kendall? Seriously?
ARIE: I just feel
like she’ll be crazy in bed more things for her.
JACKIE: You were so supportive of me and my degree that you didn’t at all try and stop me from leaving the show.
ARIE: Thank you. I appreciate that.
BEKAH: I’m still totally mature and ready to get married.
ARIE: I’m still totally down to bang after the show.
I paraphrase, you know?
Okay wtf is this cryptic-ass message Caroline just dropped on us? She’s like “I know what you did and how dare you” AND WTF ABC. WE JUST AREN’T GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS? *throws laptop at the wall*
Arie has one last showdown with Krystal and it’s about as dramatic as Arie’s hand gestures all season.
Krystal is like “I’m sorry I’m a jealous bitch but I hate when my boyfriend has other girlfriends.” To which Arie responds with: “You know this is The Bachelor, right?” Ooohhh I hope she has ice for that third degree burn, Arie! Seriously, that’s the best you could come up with dude?
On that note, I’m
drunk outtie. Until next week, betches!
Images: Giphy (5); ABC (3)