Welcome back to the
Shanae Show best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read! If you, like me, tuned in this week thinking ABC would right course and actually produce a show about, say, a bachelor… think again, bitches! Clayton may want to find a wife, but Shanae wants to find swipe-up code deals, and by god, nothing is going to stand in her way. I can, at the very least, appreciate the hustle.
Someone Needs To Explain Gabby To Me
But before we jump into Shanae, I thought we’d briefly discuss the rest of the events from last night’s episode. There were two one-on-one dates this week: Serene and Gabby. Technically, Serene’s date spilled over from the previous week when ABC failed to adhere to any semblance of a linear timeline for the fourth week in a row. It appears ABC’s stance on producing episodes is the same as my kindergarten teacher’s stance on crayons when I asked to use a different one during color time: “you get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit.”
Serene’s date was hot—and by that I mean, Serene is hot. When she showed up to that casual carnival date wearing the world’s smallest corset, my body, on a molecular level, convulsed at the thought of being constrained by that much boning. And she wasn’t even phased by it! She might as well be wearing long johns for all the discomfort she showed! I mean, my god, anatomically she must have the bone structure of Flubber. I want to know all of her secrets. Serene, if you’re reading this, be a doll and spill the beans about your health and wellness routine, mmkay? Unless it involves diet and exercise, in which case I’ll promptly discard said advice and continue with my current routine: ignorance and self-destruction.
Clayton is also smitten with Serene. At one point on the date he tells her that she “crushed it,” which is what every woman on a date with her maybe future husband hopes he’ll say to her. What’s next? A fist bump after sex? And look, I totally get why Clayton is into Serene. She’s hot and chill and seems to have all of her brain cells despite looking for a life partner on national television. Hell, I’m into Serene.
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What I don’t get is why everyone, Clayton included, is so obsessed with Gabby. Gabby got the second one-on-one date of the episode and, after a cursory perusal on the internet, is now the new fan favorite. May I just ask…. Why?
For those of you who don’t remember Gabby, she’s an ICU nurse and self-proclaimed “jokester” (more on this in a minute) who has the voice of a phone sex operator. (As a person with similarly challenged vocal fry, I say that with love). I suppose people like her because she’s not afraid to be silly—and by “silly” I mean pet other people’s dogs in public. Seriously. This seems to be the moment Clayton and the world fell in love with her. When she pet a stranger’s dog…
During the date Clayton kept saying how Gabby took him by surprise, and I second that sentiment. I’m surprised that this is all it takes to establish a personality. Clayton is like, “you’re so hilarious!” But is she?? Or does she just do basic human things and laugh while she’s doing them? He’s acting like Netflix should give her her own comedy special, for god’s sake. Also, this doesn’t mean that I hate Gabby. She seems like a cute girl or whatever. But that’s kind of all my feelings on her—and all the feelings I want to have about her. You know what I mean? #TeamSereneForever
Marlena Is Out For Blood
Speaking of funny girls, let’s talk about the group date. The group date, by design, requires a pound of flesh be delivered to the Bachelor/ette. In fact, I’m sure it’s contractually obligated. Sometimes ABC takes that to mean literal flesh, as is the case when the group date consists of Sparta-like competitions that have less rules and regulations than Fight Club. Sometimes ABC is satisfied with just taking their dignity, as is the case with group dates that rely on the contestants doing some type of performance. Enter: The Bachelor Roast. That’s right, after weeks of in-house drama, Clayton thought the perfect way to foster peace and harmony was to force the women to participate in a verbal open season. *turns up the volume*
I absolutely HATE when ABC does these kinds of dates because, as a person who dabbles in comedy writing, it actually offends my soul to watch these women butcher the English language for the sake of being “funny.” These are the same women who buy Marilyn Monroe art from Homegoods. They are not going to be good at writing jokes on the fly. They just aren’t. But far be it for me to make preemptive judgements. Let’s take a look at the “jokes”:
ELIZA: Clayton he has a dump truck ass, so why can’t he take out the trash?
SARAH: Mara is… OLD!!!
MARA: Sarah is… YOUNG!!!
The talent in that room is… staggering.
No one shines more than Marlena The Olympian. Whereas ABC would have been happy watching them ruin the remnants of their dignity, Marlena was out for actual blood. She was taking no fucking prisoners with her set. Not only does she compare Shanae to herpes but she outs another contestant for having IBS on national fucking television. Marlena! They said be funny, not to verbally slaughter the competition!
The “Worldwide International Journey” Continues
Watch out, Bachelor Nation, Clayton and the gang are on the move! This week the worldwide international journey continues… to Canada! Christ. Once again, ABC is using the term “travel” liberally. Technically, they are leaving the country. But also technically, my friend’s brother has talked his way in and out of Canada without a passport, so is it really even fair to call it international travel? They’re not even leaving the continent.
I do think my favorite part about this plot twist is ABC trying to make Canada seem like the most exotic place to travel by using b-roll of several normal looking buildings. Skyscrapers?? In a city?? Groundbreaking. Of course, the worldwide international journey would be nothing without its hype girl. By “hype girl” I’m of course referring to Clayton. At one point Clayton enthusiastically declares “this is a great place to fall in love!” which is a really bold thing to say about the set of Degrassi.
CLAYTON, ONE FOOT OVER THE CANADIAN BORDER:
Welcome Back To The Shanae Show
While ABC did show us footage of two one-on-one dates and a group date, the majority of the episode didn’t focus on these dates—or even on Clayton at all. Instead, ABC continued to pay ransom to Shanae and her hostage situation. During the rose ceremony, Clayton confronted Shanae about what really happened when she crashed the group date. You know, after they dry humped to completion on top of that bar.
CLAYTON TO SHANAE: I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school… I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy
Shanae is, perhaps, one of my favorite villains. Instead of cowering behind her actions, she tells Clayton straight-up about what happened. She’s like, “I said what I said, what of it.” You can tell Clayton is trying to reconcile this version of Shanae with the woman who offered to give him an over-the-pants handie after the cameras stopped rolling.
Shanae can see that Clayton wants to keep her there—he’d love to see how this psycho energy plays out in Fantasy Suites—but he needs her to do something so he can save face with the rest of the women. Copy that. Picking up what he’s putting down, Shanae pokes herself in the eyes to generate some tears and marches out to give the girls a flimsy apology for her bad behavior. I’ll give her snaps for her bravery. She is making direct eye contact with the angry mob. An angry mob of her own making, sure, but an angry mob all the same. Some of the girls accept her apology immediately, if only because they still believe Clayton will send her home. Idiots. The other girls look like they would like to test how flammable her spray tan actually is.
Cut to Clayton rewarding Shanae’s “good” behavior with his tongue down her throat as production layers audio of Shanae laughing maniacally over the footage. Psych, bitches! She’s not sorry for shit. A sociopath acting like a sociopath? What a reveal.
THE WOMEN DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY: *tentatively smiles at Shanae*
SHANAE AT THE ROSE CEREMONY:
It does not surprise me at all that Clayton gives Shanae the last rose at the rose ceremony. The man likes a little light choking and if anyone in that group of women gets off on controlling another person’s oxygen levels, it’s Shanae. The heart wants what it wants, I suppose.
But wait! The plot thickens! Just when Shanae thinks she’s in the clear, we learn that Shanae and Genevieve are going on the dreaded two-on-one date. Two girls go in, only one girl comes out. ABC likes to imply that one person will be murdered and not just, like, dumped by someone they’ve been dating for maybe two dates. K.
Of course, the footage from that date will not air until next week because once they get rid of Shanae they’ll actually have to focus on Clayton and… who really wants that?
Roses & Eliminations
Did you think that just because we’re almost halfway through the season, ABC would finally start treating episodes with any sort of logical, linear progression? Lol, that’s cute. This week’s episode contained some dates from the previous week (Serene’s one-on-one and the rose ceremony) and some more recent dates (Gabby’s one-on-one, the group date, the start of the two-on-one). My favorite jewelry create less of a tangled web when I travel than ABC’s typical narrative structure. But I digress. Here’s a breakdown of roses + eliminations:
- Serene (one-on-one/ from the week before)
- Gabby (one-on-one/ from this week)
- Jill (rose ceremony/ from last week)
- Lyndsey (rose ceremony/ from last week)
- Sierra (rose ceremony/ from last week)
Images: ABC/John Medland; @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); Giphy (3)
Let me start by saying: I love love. Love can open new doors, help you see things in a different light, and completely change your world. I believe that everyone deserves a shot at experiencing true love, and finding the partner that makes them feel like the best possible version of themselves. And I’m all in—my entire career is built on helping others find their person.
So yes, I’m a romantic. But when it comes to Asian dating in the U.S., I’m a frustrated romantic (though, not a hopeless one). As a longtime fan of The Bachelor franchise, I’ve tuned in every Monday (now, Tuesday) to watch live love in action. I love the romantic gestures, the fantastic dates, the proposals, and even the friendships that develop between contestants. But after nearly 20 years of watching the show, I’ve got to ask, where are the Asians at?!
Even though Asian-Americans are the fastest-growing ethnic group in the United States, Asian contestants are rarely seen on dating shows. And when they are, they’re disqualified early on or made out to be drama-seeking villains. Tammy Ly, perhaps the best-known Asian franchise contestant, was continuously framed as a pot-stirrer by the editors and producers, despite being there for the same reasons as everyone else—to look for love.
The phrase “reality TV” in and of itself is an oxymoron. We all know that what we see on screen is not a true reflection of life. There’s a lot that goes on behind the scenes and in the editing room that turns normal interactions into the dramatic, tension-filled scenes we love to watch. It’s easy to brush it off like it’s completely unimportant, but what we see on TV and in movies matters, even if it’s not completely true to life.
In a period of time when Asian hate crimes are at an all-time high, we cannot stand by and ignore how the things we see on the screen perpetuate the real and terrible things happening to Asian people in the United States—on the street, in office buildings, and yes, on dating apps.
How many Asian women have been reached out to on Tinder with fetishizing, dehumanizing pick-up lines? How many Asian men have been told, “sorry, I’m just not into Asian guys”?
The true, lived experience of Asian people in the United States cannot be viewed as separate from the storylines we see on TV. Positive media representation alone cannot solve every problem, but it’s a critical first step in ensuring that Asian people are seen as human beings, who are deserving of respect, empowerment, and love, just like everyone else.
It’s why I founded my company. I know what it’s like to be a member of the diaspora: I am so proud of my Japanese heritage and the beautiful culture that comes along with it, but it can be a challenge not to feel othered when living in the United States. I believe so strongly in the power of love, and am empowered by the amazing community of other diasporic Asians that I have been able to connect with.
I am proud that the community I have been able to cultivate runs counter to so much of what we see on television. My friends and colleagues are not the side characters we are relegated to on television, nor are we the self-hating characters who turn their backs on our culture and resent their parents’ accents and upbringing. We bring together the best parts of our cultures while remaining whole and proud.
So this is what I ask: Let’s think critically about the media we consume. Are the Asian characters on your favorite show playing into harmful, dangerous stereotypes? Are they purposefully villainizing female Asian characters, or emasculating their male Asian characters? We’re no longer settling for crumbs when it comes to Asian representation.
And to my Asian community: Don’t give up hope on finding your person. Find ways to build your community and find friendships. Not only will that make you feel more fulfilled, but opening up your network can help grow relationships with people who value your culture, and have morals that align with yours. We’re fortunate to have such a strong community here. Use that to your advantage when dating and seeking out relationships.
Bachelor Nation, if you want to talk about casting, I’m happy to help find your next Bachelorette. And Tammy, if you’re reading this: We’re in your corner, don’t let the haters (or the Bachelor editors) get you down.
Image: ABC/Craig Sjodin
We love to see two villains get sent home in one episode. We love to see Matt confronting their bullying head on, supporting the women who were targeted by Anna and Victoria’s fragile egos and harmful verbal attacks. And we absolutely love to see Katie—defender of what is right, champion of women’s orgasms, the people’s vote for Bachelorette—make it out of this week’s drama unscathed. But what we really deserve to see is some goddamn accountability. And not just from the Karens/villains/bullies (Victoria, Anna, and MJ), but from The Bachelor producers for encouraging this type of behavior. For creating a space that promotes bullying and women that weaponize their white fragility, for amplifying the incredibly annoying voices of the Victorias and Annas of the franchise while minimizing the voices and storylines of the contestants of color.
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If I’ve learned anything from my time as a reluctant-yet-dedicated member of Bachelor Nation, it’s that the producers have just as much, if not more, control over what happens on The Bachelor than the leads. Sure, the lead gets to choose his future ex-fiancée, but the producers are the ones moving the size zero, botoxed, Restylane-filled chess pieces around the mansion until our Bachelor is check-mated into a proposal (yes, I recently watched The Queen’s Gambit, why do you ask?). I get that the final rose is in Matt’s very large hands, but do we really believe that Matt voluntarily kept Victoria over *reviews full cast list* ANY of the 10+ women he sent home prior to this week’s episode of reckoning? No, no we do not.
…at least, not until the producers say so.
So it’s safe to assume that storylines, one-on-one date decisions, and the topic of today’s rant discussion (bullying) are at the very least producer-sanctioned, if not producer-encouraged. Victoria doesn’t get a rose without the producers telling Matt she has to stay. Anna doesn’t get approximately 500 featured ITM’s, and a baseless rumor about being an escort doesn’t get spread and televised, without editors choosing that footage to make the final cut. To all of you screaming, “Dani this is just how the show works, big drama brings a big audience”, I say: yes, I understand how ratings work, thank you. But just because I understand it doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it. Just because this is how the show has worked for years, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to bring production into the 21st-post-Trump-pro-BLM century and hold them accountable for giving white women carte blanche to do and say as they please, rewarding them with more airtime as their words become more offensive.
We can’t give ABC credit for casting a Black lead and having a diverse cast if that diversity is only used as a tool to promote bullying (the targets of Victoria, Anna, and MJ’s antics were almost exclusively women of color). You don’t get credit for diversity if more airtime is given to Victoria and Anna’s whining than to the emotional conversations Matt has had with women like Chelsea and Michelle about conforming to white beauty standards and being a Black teacher in Minnesota after George Floyd’s murder. And we can’t let production off the hook now because Victoria and Anna are finally gone. In fact, even after Matt was given the okay to take out the trash, production simply handed Victoria’s burn book over to MJ for her to take over as head mean girl leading into next week’s episode. It’s rude of MJ to have such beautiful hair and such an ugly personality, and it’s even more rude (and manipulative) of production to pit her against Jessenia, yet another woman of color for a “let’s squeeze this in real quick” two-on-one date that literally nobody asked for. And don’t even get me started on the fact that the one-on-one dates of the week went to Kit, a quieter yet adamant supporter of the OG vs. new girls movement, and Rachael, who may or may not have been a racist bully in high school…
I know that drama and hot girls fighting makes for entertaining television (I watched this week’s episode with my younger brother and he simply could not get enough), and I know Matt is just kinda boring, so the producers have to look elsewhere for content. But I also know that they can and should do better than this, and I don’t think it’s out of line to expect ABC to make socially responsible television. Production and editors give plenty of screen time to the friendships between male contestants on The Bachelorette, why can’t we get the same support for female empowerment on The Bachelor? Magi got U.S. citizenship by winning the visa diversity lotto, why can’t we learn more about her than the fact that she’s not great at kayaking?
I’m sure there is plenty of non-toxic, non-bullying, non-racially insensitive content the producers and editors could use to tell an equally entertaining yet less divisive story, they’re just choosing not to. And production controls who comes back for Women Tell All, who gets invited to Bachelor in Paradise, who gets more screen time, a larger platform. They could decide that enough is enough and leave Victoria and Anna off their callback lists—but do any of us believe that they will? So how do we hold them accountable, how do we hold ABC to a higher standard? I just wrote 1,000 words about how frustrated I am with the show, but I know I will continue to watch. Maybe we aggressively tweet at Mike Fliess, maybe we boycott the Women Tell All if Victoria is there (I am very on board with this plan), or maybe we continue to have more thoughtful conversations about a show that has an undeniable impact on our culture. Whatever we do, I think it’s at the very least, time to stop saying “this is just how the show works”.
Images: Craig Sjodin/ABC; Giphy; bachelordata / INstagram
As much as we love talking about The Bachelor, it’s no secret that the franchise has some major issues when it comes to diversity. As it’s been discussed far and wide, The Bachelor has never done an adequate job of promoting diversity and racial equality across its shows. From a lack of diversity on screen (just one Black lead in FORTY seasons), to repeatedly casting people with a history of insensitive social media behavior, these issues have been around for a long time, and ABC is finally starting to addressing them, beginning with their announcement today for the next Bachelor.
Earlier this week, a Bachelor Diversity Campaign was launched, along with a petition that called on ABC and Warner Bros. to take 13 specific actions to address the issues within the franchise. The petition has garnered over 85,000 signatures in less than a week, and today demand number one has officially been met. On Friday morning, Matt James was announced as the next Bachelor, becoming the first Black man to lead the show in its 25-season run.
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This morning, Matt James appeared on Good Morning America, where he was introduced as the next Bachelor. James, who is best friends with Tyler Cameron, was initially cast as a contestant on Clare Crawley’s allegedly-still-happening season of The Bachelorette, but after they butted heads publicly on Twitter, maybe it’s for the best that he’ll be skipping that.
Of course, it’s exciting to see a Black man at the helm of The Bachelor. It took way too long to arrive at this moment, and for once, ABC did the right thing. But make no mistake, if the network is serious about addressing the issues within the franchise, this needs to be the beginning of the changes. In a statement, Karey Burke, the President of ABC Entertainment, said, “We know we have a responsibility to make sure the love stories we’re seeing on screen are representative of the world we live in…we will continue to take action with regards to diversity issues on this franchise.” Burke added, “we feel privileged to have Matt as our first Black Bachelor.”
In an interview for GMA, Rachel Lindsay cautioned against celebrating ABC for putting “a band-aid” over the larger issues, saying that she wants to see larger changes like producers of color and leads that are “interested in dating outside of their race.” In his GMA interview, Matt James agreed that his casting is “a step in the right direction,” and that he hopes to be the first of many Black men in his position.
FIRST ON @GMA: The new @BachelorABC is Matt James.
Season 25 of “The Bachelor” is scheduled to premiere in 2021. https://t.co/c1NVcVkkpS #TheBachelor #BachelorNation pic.twitter.com/VEpDJMIlR2
— Good Morning America (@GMA) June 12, 2020
Bachelor Nation spoke out loud and clear, and ABC was forced to listen. But there are still 12 other points on that petition that also should be addressed. Will we get a diverse cast? Will ABC commit to thoroughly vetting their contestants, so we don’t have known racists appearing on their shows? Will they commit to fostering an actual conversation around diversity on their shows? Hopefully, yes! But we don’t know any of those things yet, so today’s announcement should be seen as an important milestone, not the final destination. That’s the whole thing about being an active ally—there is no final destination, but you can always keep going in the right direction.
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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; bachelorabc / Instagram; gma / Twitter
If you’ve ever paid attention to the Bachelor, even a little bit, chances are you’ve seen a whole lot of white people. In 18 years and 40 seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, only once has a Black person been cast as the season lead. It’s an upsetting statistic, but one that points to a greater pattern of complicity in the franchise as a whole. Now, with conversations about race taking center stage in every corner of our lives, it feels like ABC can’t figuratively (or literally, IDK how they work) put their hands over their ears and yell “LALALA” about The Bachelor‘s longstanding lack of diversity anymore.
It’s not like issues with diversity on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette haven’t come up before. Actually, Chris Harrison, the host of all the Bachelor shows, has repeatedly been asked about diversity in the franchise, and some of his comments have been quite troubling. In 2017, when describing Rachel Lindsay’s contestants, he remarked, “It’s a very diverse cast, but at the same time, very professional.” This comment raised eyebrows at the time, with many pointing out that he almost certainly wouldn’t make the same comment about a white cast. Last year, when speaking to a group of USC journalism students about diversity on The Bachelor, he said, “You have to take it as it comes … because then it’s organic and then it feels right,” adding that you can’t “force things.” Just last month in a radio interview, he acknowledged that the franchise has lagged on diversity, but insisted that “we’ve done much better in the last few seasons for sure.”
Whether or not you buy what Chris said in May, the last two weeks have been a disappointing time to be a Bachelor fan. The franchise’s official social media accounts have remained completely silent about the Black Lives Matter movement, and the wider conversation on racial justice. Chris Harrison has posted nothing but a black square last Tuesday. Mike Fleiss has shown his support for BLM on Twitter, but hasn’t tied that in to any issues in his own franchise. Last week, Rachel Lindsay, the only Black lead in Bachelor history, slammed the lack of diversity in the franchise, calling it “embarrassing,” and noting that a Black person is nearly as likely to be elected President of the United States as they are to be chosen as the Bachelor.
Chris Harrison: when we come back… more white people! #TheBachelorGOAT
— The Betchelor🥀 (@betchelorpod) June 9, 2020
And on Monday, The Bachelor: The Greatest Seasons – Ever!, the franchise’s solution to coronavirus production delays, premiered. This eight episode special was supposed to be a celebration of the franchise’s greatest moments, but given the current climate, it instead served as a disturbing reminder that The Bachelor has always had a race problem. Kay Brown and Chris Burns, who host The Betchelor podcast, did some calculations, and in Monday night’s three-h0ur premiere (seriously, why are these shows so long?), Black people were shown speaking on screen for only 14 SECONDS. Think about that. 14 seconds. If you don’t think this is a problem, then you’re part of the problem.
But if there’s ever been a time to fix these problems, it’s right now. Over the weekend, a Bachelor Diversity Campaign Instagram account was launched, and on Monday, they launched a petition calling on ABC and Warner Bros. to commit to concrete actions to combat racism in the Bachelor franchise. The petition outlines 13 specific points, starting with casting a Black lead for the next season of The Bachelor. Considering most of us wanted Mike Johnson last season, this one should be easy for ABC. The petition also asks for a commitment that each season will have at least 35% BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color) contestants.
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IT’S TIME. Join us in asking ABC for a #BIPOCBachelor. Bachelor Nation is ready for change. Link in bio to sign our petition asking for active anti-racism within the Bachelor Franchise, both in front of and behind the camera. Screenshot your signed petition, tag @bachdiversity, and use #BIPOCBachelor. For a quick overview of the petition and our asks of ABC, follow along in our stories.
In addition to specific 0n-screen measures, like a “zero-tolerance policy for racism on-air” and giving “equitable screen time to BIPOC contestants,” the petition extends to off-screen measures that will help to combat racial inequality in the franchise as a whole. These include hiring a BIPOC diversity consultant to oversee all aspects of production, vetting potential contestants more thoroughly (to avoid situations like this), and “providing resources to help viewers learn more about BIPOC stories and organizations supporting BIPOC causes.” Really, none of these things should even be controversial, so I hope ABC and Warner Bros. do the right thing.
The final point in the petition, which I imagine might cause some discomfort, asks that ABC and Warner Bros. “Issue a public statement apologizing for enabling systemic racism within the franchise,” along with establishing a specific plan to do better moving forward. People usually don’t like admitting that they’ve been a part of the problem, but in this case, it seems like the only way that true change and growth can begin. In less than a day, over 50,000 people have signed the petition, and it has gained support from many Bachelor alums, including Rachel Lindsay, Tyler Cameron, Ben Higgins, and Kaitlyn Bristowe. After years of frustration and disappointment at The Bachelor’s handling of race, it’s time for some meaningful change.
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Images: ABC/John Fleenor; betchelorpod / Twitter; bachdiversity / Instagram
Presented by SkinnyPop
Welcome back, Bachelor fans, to another week in
paradise Cleveland! Strap in kids because—trigger warning!!!—tonight’s episode will be THREE HOURS long. You know what should be three hours long? My lunch break. You know what shouldn’t be three hours long? The footage from the bonfire these women threw to roast Peter’s apology for keeping Alayah. Speaking of which, as some of you may recall, last week Peter did the unthinkable and kept a woman in the house whom the others don’t particularly like. This was a decision Peter made based on Alayah’s kind heart, and I’m sure it had absolutely nothing to do with the size of the chest covering said heart. But while that explanation might have gone over well in his fantasy football group chat, that sh*t ain’t flying here.
The episode ended with the women turning on Peter and taking over the house. This is no longer Pilot Pete’s season of The Bachelor, this is their season. They’re the captains now and they will decide collectively who is right for Peter, and who should be banished to Cleveland for the remainder of their days.
The Rose Ceremony #1
Which brings us to where we left off, at the rose ceremony. Like, do these girls not give a sh*t at all that Peter is actually the lead of this show? I know they’re pissed about this whole Alayah thing, but it’s not their goddamn show! It’s Peter’s! They don’t actually get to call the shots here.
Peter pulls Alayah aside, takes one last longing look at her cleavage, and then rescinds her rose. No!! Peter!! You don’t let the inmates run the asylum! He wants Alayah to know it’s not you, it’s them. It wasn’t part of his training in flight school to learn how to deal with confrontation or confined spaces full of irate people, that’s what the flight attendants were always for!
PETER: I don’t care at all what the girls say about you, Alayah, but also they told me to send you home and I’m afraid of them so I’m going to.
Okay, #JusticeForAlayah because this sh*t is messed up. I think this elimination would feel more satisfactory if her crimes didn’t involve using her amazing rack to bewitch a man for attention. I mean, who among us hasn’t?? Alayah, girlfriend, please contact me if you’d ever like help burning the Bachelor mansion to the ground because I AM IN.
Coming back into the house, Peter looks like a man defeated. His immediate course of action is to cut off the head of the hydra and apologize to Natasha first. She was the ringleader of the “let’s all just stab
Caesar Alayah” campaign and her approval means he might live to see another day in this house. Smart thinking, Peter.
Okay, is he going to apologize to everyone individually?? Usually all a man has to do is whisper an “I’m sorry” to get me wet, but watching Peter beg for forgiveness 13 different times is just making my reproductive organs want to shrivel up and die.
PETER IN THE CONFESSIONAL AS NATASHA HOLDS A GUN TO HIS HEAD OFF SCREEN: I messed up, I’m sorry!
Peter, blink once if you’re okay, twice if you need me to send someone to do a wellness check. I’m concerned.
Heading into the actual rose ceremony and it almost seems like Peter might send himself home at this point. I wouldn’t be opposed. Instead he sends Savannah, Kiarra, and Deandra home, and no one is more shocked about this than Deandra. I can’t tell what’s a harder pill for her to swallow: getting dumped by a man who spent the last few hours groveling at the feet of every woman in that room or having to tell her friends that the most exotic place her Bachelor journey took her was Cleveland.
The remaining women are in good spirits when Peter tells them that they’ll finally be leaving this earth-based purgatory otherwise known as Cleveland. MyKenna starts to openly weep when she realizes she’ll get to go somewhere where the locals aren’t still calling Bermuda shorts “fashion.” He’s like, “we’re going somewhere with lush jungles and gorgeous volcanos” and you can tell some of the women are worried he’s describing Yosemite or some sh*t. No ladies, he’s talking about Costa Rica!!
PETER: Being a pilot I just love to explore.
Just because you’ve explored every vagina in every Delta lounge around the world doesn’t make you cultured, Peter!
Peter meets up with the women in Costa Rica and he’s sporting a giant gash on his forehead. He gives some elaborate story about a puma he crossed paths with in the jungle and it’s like, Peter, was it really a puma or was it just Chris Harrison in an animal print shirt? Be honest.
Also, 20 stitches is kind of a serious head wound, and the producers aren’t slowing down production by even one day. They’re like, “here’s a few pieces of flesh-colored tape to hold you together. I’m sure you’ll be fine!”
Sydney’s One-On-One Date
Sydney gets the first one-on-one date of the week and this feels less like a genuine offer on Peter’s part and more like a calculated move to get back into her good graces. He wants Sydney to know that he’s here for the right reasons, and to prove it to her, he won’t even fly the plane this time. The sacrifices he’s making for her are truly phenomenal.
Woooooow there is a lot of ass-kissing happening on this date. Peter tells Sydney that he loves how she’s always looking out for him. LOL. If you call “looking out” sabotaging any of her competition who happen to have bigger boobs than her then, yes, she really looking out for you.
Also, I don’t love that Peter keeps calling her mysterious and in response Sydney feels the need to clarify her ethnic background. I’m sure he just meant that he can’t guess what astrological sign you are…
You can tell Sydney is insecure about her relationship with Peter because she is layering on these sob stories. She talks about having an absentee father and her experience with bullying and how hard it was to grow up biracial in the South. She dives into this sad tale about eating lunches in the bathroom by herself, and, look, I’m not trying to discount her trauma or anything, but this is how I know these girls are children because they’re bringing up MIDDLE SCHOOL indiscretions to the man they want to marry. The only grudge I’m still holding from middle school is with JoJo for not releasing a second album.
I’m watching Peter take in this story, and you can tell that his biggest emotional baggage is that one time he accidentally called his kindergarten teacher “mom.” He just keeps nodding his head and making the noises I make whenever my dog does something cute on the Nest Cam.
He calls Sydney a strong woman, and to highlight this statement, ABC treats us to a montage of soft-core porn. Ah, yes. Nothing says “I respect your inner strength” more than some highly publicized heavy petting that will surely result in one or both of them getting a yeast infection. Carry on.
The Group Date
For the group date, we’re told the women are going to compete to be on the cover of Cosmo magazine and I didn’t realize that this entire season was going to be a crossover with America’s Next Top Model. This is now the second group date OUT OF FIVE where the women are modeling. Instead of a fantasy suite date, should we just see who can come up with the best swipe-up code based off their couples hashtag and be done with it? Because that the most chemistry we’re going to see this season.
Okay, This “photoshoot” is just a thinly veiled orgy at this point. You’ve got Little Miss Shyness Victoria F practically straddling Peter in that lagoon, while MyKenna tries to slip her hand down his swim trunks. What kind of cover shoot is this??
And would you look at that! Victoria F wins the cover shoot challenge. Cosmo keeps saying Victoria F showed “personality” and “spunk” and that’s why they chose her, but I wish they’d just say “was able to give Peter a semi” and be done with it.
As we move into the cocktail portion of the evening, the mood is tense. It’s hard to say what the women are more upset about: having to watch Peter make out with a glistening Victoria F or losing their one-way ticket to a verified account on Instagram. You blew it, Hannah Ann! This was your one shot at finally modeling for more than just the Sonic employee handbook!
I love that Peter cannot take one single breath without one of the women jumping down his throat about something. Victoria F is like “guess what two days ago was” and Peter is looking frantically around for a producer to hold up the right answer on a cue card being her back.
VICTORIA F: I’m 26 now. It’s so depressing.
Something about Kelsey makes me think she carries wine around in her purse “just in case.” I love it. She tells Peter she’s sorry she’s such an insecure freak and you can tell Peter is eating this sh*t up. With these women he is so rarely the one with the control, and he loves having all the power here. She tells him that she’s falling in love with him, and you can tell Peter just got a little hard there. The emotions he gets from the women usually range from mild distaste to outright disgust, so an open declaration of love and adoration has to be good for his ego these days.
Whatever headway Kelsey makes with that declaration is quickly extinguished when Tammy paints a vivid picture of Kelsey’s “struggles” with the process. She tells Peter about finding Kelsey crying by the pool next to an empty bottle of red, and it’s like who among us hasn’t been there, Tammy? I really don’t think that sobbing by the pool is grounds to bring anything up to our saucy Cuban lead.
PETER: I just wanted to ask you….. are you crazy? An alcoholic maybe? What’s your deal?
OMG. Did he just seriously ask her if she had a mental breakdown the other day?! Peter! You can’t just call a girl unstable to her face!
In case you were wondering where I stand on this whole Tammy vs. Kelsey controversy: I stand with any and all public criers. My nickname in college used to be Moaning Myrtle because my nights at the club always ended in me sobbing into pizza and ranch dressing, and I genuinely don’t see what’s wrong with that. Have you even really lived if you haven’t been asked by management at least once in your twenties to leave a bar because you’re “killing the vibe”? I think not. Let’s move on.
KELSEY: Do we want to talk about who called me emotionally unstable today?
Victoria is like, “it takes a strong woman to get through this” and it’s like, the only thing strong about this process is the content these girls are going to be able to use for their IG feed after the fact. Please.
KELSEY: If it’s wrong to cry for four hours a day, then I don’t want to be right.
I don’t want to be right either, Kelsey! Keep living your truth, boo boo!
Kelley’s One-On-One Date
Kelley gets the second one-on-one date of the week, and I love that she’s going into this date with the mentality that she might have a friend call her with an “emergency” halfway through. Her lack of enthusiasm for Peter is even more apparent when she shows up dressed like she’s about to start her shift at the local KFC. Kelley, those pants are a crime against humanity and you should be whipped in the town square for even THINKING that should be allowed on my television screen.
Peter wants to use this date as a way to figure out Kelley’s feelings for him. He wants to know if their love can transcend that one time they had a quickie in a hotel bathroom. To answer this question, Peter comes armed to the date get with candles and the help of the local medicine man. I love when the men use mysticism to suss out genuine connections abroad, but in real life if Kelley were to make a comment about the compatibility of their astrological signs Peter would have called her crazy. But, hey, when in Rome I suppose!
MEDICINE MAN: The energy from your candle is telling me you’re repressed.
Ah, yes. Just what every girl wants to hear on a date: that she’s repressed. What’s next? An in-depth discussion about how the body paint is telling him she’s frigid?
I’m not sure what Peter wants out of Kelley. He’s like, “she isn’t trying hard enough. She won’t even tell me about her parents divorce!” and it’s like, not everyone has a bunch of trauma porn for you to emotionally masturbate to.
Kelley even mentioned earlier in the episode that she’s worried about their relationship because she doesn’t have a fun story about her childhood in a Russian orphanage to keep Peter interested. Why does having some elaborate deep, dark secret, equate to “opening up”? Like, maybe she her biggest trauma is that her Starbucks barista can never spell her name right on her coffee order. Can’t that be enough??
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kelsey sits down with Tammy to hash out their issues. Kelsey just wants to know why she would tell Peter about her sobbing by the pool. As I’ve said, I’m the girl who likes to openly weep in public so I have no issues with this behavior, but even if I did, it’s not like Kelsey was causing a scene in front of Peter. Tammy was the one who made it a thing by bringing it to Peter’s attention at the last rose ceremony.
TAMMY: I guess I just like to handle my issues head on and not with alcohol.
Jesus Tammy, this isn’t AA. Stop being such a narc. I mean, when I take a bottle of wine to the face it’s not a “problem” it’s just a Tuesday, okay!!
Back on the date, Peter is out for blood. He’s like “I’m not doing this for a fun time” as he continues to pick the girls with the biggest racks. SURE, JAN.
Kelley is handling this situation like she’s not living in a vacuum created by ABC. She’s making sound, level-headed points about not wanting to manufacture chemistry or blow smoke up his ass about her feelings for him. I think it’s mature and something that would make complete sense if they were dating in the real world. But they aren’t. She’s halfway through the Bachelor process. In reality, she probably has another week or two before she’s going to need to accept a proposal from him. It doesn’t feel like she’s there yet, and I feel like he should cut her loose for it. Peter sees the red flag, process the red flag, and then dismisses it completely by giving her a rose. Boy, that must have been some head she gave back at that Hampton Inn.
Kesley’s One-On-One Date
Kelsey decides to take fate into her own hands. She’s not going to let another champagne finasco ruin her relationship with Peter, and so her plan is to show up unannounced at his bungalow and cry into his shoulder on his day off and everything. 100% emotionally stable behavior. This feels a little premature to me. I don’t think Kelsey needs to defend her sobs to Peter. He saw her take a bottle of champagne to the face, he knows what he’s he’s getting into.
HE’S GIVING HER THE ROSE?! PETER! Do you want Kelsey to finish out the season, or do you want Tammy to wear her skin as a suit to tonight’s rose ceremony? Because you’re sending mixed signals here!!
Lol. I love that she’s like “uh you want me to walk into that house with this rose?” and he has the audacity to tell her it will be fine. It will NOT be fine! Have you ever seen the end of Lion King where Scar gets eaten alive by a hoard of angry hyenas? That is nothing compared to what Tammy has in store for Kelsey, just you wait.
She shows up at the house and immediately launches into a speech about how she didn’t mean to steal a rose ahead of the rose ceremony, she just wanted to clear her good name. You know the producers obviously refused to let her into the house unless she showed off her rose. Her hands are SHAKING she’s so scared. I don’t know why she doesn’t just throw them under the bus and is like “look girls please don’t murder me but the producers let me do this so I took my chance! You would have done the same!”
The Rose Ceremony #2
Chris Harrison tells us there will be no cocktail party tonight and I’m worried that MyKenna might spontaneously combust into a cloud of angst and body glitter. The women decide that Kelsey is to blame for the sudden disappearance of their cocktail party and their anger feels a little misplaced. Are you really this upset about a cocktail party or are you upset that you might get sent home just when the travel spots are getting good?
TAMMY: I heard you pop pills.
KELSEY: That’s not true! I only take Adderall and birth control!
Yeah, you’re not really helping yourself there, Kels.
The house descends into chaos when they hear Tammy started a pill popping rumor. It’s good to know that there’s a line even these monsters won’t cross for Peter’s attention. I love that they said Kelsey was having a mental breakdown but it seems they all are having mental breakdowns now.
Well, well, well. Little Miss “No Friend To Eat Lunch With” is doing a phenomenal job of bullying Tammy into jumping off a cliff.
The fight is put on hold for the rose ceremony, but just as Peter is about to get things started, Tammy asks if she can steal a moment of Peter’s time and then so does MyKenna, and now we’re having a full-on cocktail party in the middle of a rose ceremony. Peter was literally trying to avoid this exact thing. Peter’s like, “I know I succumbed to mob mentality last week but seriously you need to back the f*ck off and trust me.” FINALLY, Peter! I was just starting to think that in addition to the 20 stitches you also accidentally lost your balls in that golf carting accident .
Lexi and Shiann are both sent home, and I’m shocked Tammy lived to see another day. Just as Shiann is about to head out she decides to mind-f*ck Peter on her way out. You love to see it. She tells him that some of the girls aren’t there for the right reasons and it’s like, yeah, Peter knows. He saw how their faces lit up during every “fashion” challenge.
And that’s all I have for you betches! See you next week, and by that I mean in less than 48 hours. Kill me.
Images: Giphy (7); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1); @bachelornation.scoop/Instagram (1)
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We’re only one week into the new season of The Bachelor, and I already can’t keep up with these girls. I don’t know if this premiere week has been messier than usual, but it feels like there is just so much to talk about. Already, we’ve broken down Hannah Ann’s suspicious background and Maurissa’s date with Mike Johnson, and today it’s Madison’s turn in the hot seat. Pretty much every Bachelor contestant has exhibited cringeworthy behavior on Instagram at one point or another, but Madison’s is… something else.
On this week’s premiere, she emerged as an early frontrunner when she was chosen for the first one-on-one date of the season. She and Peter seemed to vibe pretty well, and even without spoilers, it’s not hard to guess that she’ll be around for a while. On Tuesday morning after the premiere aired, she posted a photo from her date with Peter, saying that it was “the most perfect date with the perfect guy.” I can’t wait to see how that caption ages if she doesn’t end up winning the show, but that’s not what’s important here.
You’ll notice below that there’s a super sweet comment on the photo, saying that Madison’s date was “beautiful,” and that she’s “so genuine and real.” The problem? The comment came FROM MADISON.
That’s right—Madison is SO genuine and real that she’s giving herself compliments on her own public Instagram post. We love a humble queen! I really can’t imagine a more genuine and real thing to do. But actually, this comment obviously wasn’t supposed to come from Madison’s own profile, so who was it supposed to come from?
The prevailing theory behind this is that Madison made a fan account for herself, and then forgot to switch to that account before commenting on her own photo. If this is the case, which seems likely, it’s sad and hilarious. Like, I don’t know how many of these women are out here making fan accounts for themselves, but if you’re going to be shady, you’ve got to be good at it! I’m logged into four different Instagram accounts because my job is just that important, and I double-check what account I’m on every single time I post something! It’s an easy mistake to make, but that just means you need to be careful.
After the comment got clocked by the entire internet, she deleted it, but it was too late. From there, she went into full damage control mode, and it didn’t go super well. She got her friend (sister? idk, the account has no info) to comment on photo, saying that the comment came from her, but she “was logged into Madi’s from when she got back from filming.” Um, yeah, I’m calling bullsh*t on that. According to spoilers, filming for Peter’s season ended in early November. As you may know, it’s now January, which means that even if Madison makes it to the end, she’s been back for a full two months.
Even if this other woman was running Madison’s Instagram while she was away, I don’t believe that she just hasn’t checked her own Instagram since November. Madison quickly responded, saying that “it happens” but like, does it? This explanation is shaky at best, and I’m disappointed that Madison couldn’t come up with something a little more convincing.
But this weird, bad cover-up has yet another layer, and it only gets more puzzling. After Madison’s friend or whoever took the blame, another account posted a story with more aggressive explanation of what allegedly happened here. The post explains that Madi’s “sisters has access to her account, and they commented.” Besides this being terrible grammar, I also don’t really get why her sisters would be just casually on her account. Whatever.
The most important thing is the account that posted this story: @teammadisonprewett. An actual fan account! While the account is anonymous, it was probably made by someone who knows Madison, because it was started the day ABC released contestant photos on Facebook back in September. Sure, it could have just been someone who wanted to hang onto the handle in case she made it far, but who else would make a fan account for someone based on one photo and a first name? This was way before we had any actual info about the contestants or the season. The account probably run by one of her sisters or something, if not Madison herself. Either way, giving the inside scoop on your Instagram f*ckup to a fan page for yourself isn’t the way to make people believe you. And also, the overly aggressive tone and capitalization screams middle school cyber bullying. Like nobody here is SPREADING lies, we’re just stating a logical explanation for what’s happening. And what’s more PATHETIC—pointing that out or running a fan Instagram for someone who won’t be relevant past August? Yeah, I’m convinced this is like, a younger sister or little cousin behind this account.
Naturally, Madison is getting trolled all over the internet about how “genuine and real” she is, and I’m mostly just disappointed that the whole season is filmed in advance, so Chris Harrison won’t get to make fun of her for it. Maybe in 2020, The Bachelor needs to happen in real time. Like, if I were Peter, I would want to know all the dirt that Reddit had dug up on my contestants, not just the two fun facts that the producers put on the bios. If I found out someone I was dating made a fake fan page for herself, that might actually affect my opinion of them!
But alas, Peter has already made his choices, so we just have to watch to see if Madison lets her desperation show in some other way while she’s in the house. I mean, all of these women are desperate, so she’ll probably still be fine either way. Isn’t this season fun!
Images: ABC; bachsleuthers, madiprew, thebetchelor / Instagram
I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 34-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode: @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for half a decade. When I first started writing this, Instagram couldn’t pay a person’s rent, and the thought of listening to an hour podcast from a former Bachelor contestant would make me want to cut my ears off. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where the contestants were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information, and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these wackos,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. The last couple seasons, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern whose parents used $100k they found under the couch cushion to get them into USC.
So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me after eating Chinese food while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
Peter isn’t the Bachelor we wanted. Bachelor Nation really wanted Mike Johnson to be the Bachelor. I did too—he was really good on The Bachelorette, and a black bachelor would freshen the show up a bit. But then it became a thing. The whole “we want Mike” song became performative. It had my-dad-voted-for-Trump-and-I-need-people-to-know-I’m-not-a-bad-person vibes. It was all just too much. It felt like the premise for Get Out 2. We were like, a day away from marches with white women crying while looking up between sniffles to make sure it got caught on camera.
So, we ended up with Peter because someone was like, “But what about all of those flying puns we could use for the promos?!” Peter is best known as the guy who had sex with Hannah four times in a windmill, a storyline that I still can’t believe existed on ABC. Peter is a fine choice. To be honest, Peter is probably the Bachelor because Hannah never mentioned that she climaxed from one of the four bangs. If she had cum four times, then Peter would’ve won and Hannah wouldn’t have been seen again. She would have gone back to Alabama quietly while she waited for Peter to fly home to give her “The Windmill.” But, here we are. Awaiting a season of Peter. Just a guy. Nothing great. Nothing special. He’s the human form of, “RIGHT THERE!! RIGHT THERE!! DON’T STOP!! DON’T STOP… AHHHH I WAS SO CLOSE.”
Alayah is a 24-year-old who just won Miss Texas on her fourth try. Yes, FOURTH. That can only mean Alayah is insane. Women in their twenties are almost oblivious to what the word “old” means. You’ll meet a cousin at Thanksgiving who’s like, 21 and she’ll talk about being a senior in college like she just checked into an old folks home. It doesn’t even matter that her recently divorced aunt is sitting right there crying while trying to figure out how to download a dating app. The cousin will loudly talk about her and her friends being “the grandmas” of the sorority scene and how “these college boys are so immature. They don’t even know how to use a napkin after shotgunning their White Claws.” Alayah’s grasp on the realities of being 24 MUST be way out of sync after four tours of the Texas pageant scene. I bet they called her name to come on stage this year and she put out a cigarette on her arm before muttering, “I’m too old for this sh*t” and rearranging the crotch of her bikini.
Avonlea is a 27-year-old Cattle Rancher from Texas who also does some modeling. WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE WOMEN?!!? I’m constantly rolling my eyes at women who are like, “I’m gonna go on The Bachelor!” You’re going on The Bachelor? YOU? Rachel from Livingston, New Jersey? The one who won’t go out on a Friday because her PR job is too stressful??! The one whose dad pays the rent but she pays for everything else? I’m sorry honey. It’s not happening. To get on the show in 2020, you need a life that could be the premise of a Hallmark movie. So unless you’re a former magazine editor who got left on her honeymoon and had to move back to her hometown in Bumf*ck, Middle America to live with a sassy mom and a cute niece who lost her parents in a helicopter incident, then you NEED NOT APPLY. Good luck on JSwipe.
Alexa is a 27-year-old esthetician from Chicago whose bio says she “made a big change” by moving to the city six years ago, after ending a seven-year relationship with her high school sweetheart. Women are so good at making normal life stuff sound like it was a big deal. You mean to tell me that you moved to a major city at 21?!!? Nobody does that!! And you broke up with someone you met when you were 14?!!?! UMM WHAT?!!?! Did you also have some years when you felt awkward around the time you were 13-15??! Are you an introvert who is sometimes an extrovert who likes to go on adventures?!!? I bet if you asked her “high school sweetheart” about Alexa he’d be like, “That chick who gave me my first blowjob? Ya we hooked up for a bit. Heard she’s going on The Bachelor.”
Courtney’s bio says she’s a “Florida girl through and through.” What does that even mean? Does she hang out in Publix parking lots while a guy in cargo shorts yells from an old Toyota Camry about his boat? A “Florida girl through and through” sounds like an insult. Like, you’d be at the beach and say, “Look at that Florida girl” and then your friend would chime in like, “THROUGH AND THROUGH” right before a leathery woman humming “Despacito” walked by in a Florida State crop top and a straw cowboy hat.
Sometimes these bios are just an eye opening look as to how far apart men and women are on the subject of relationships. Deandra is 23 and her bio says, “Deandra has been in one serious relationship in her life and is ready to find her forever.” There isn’t one 23-year-old guy on Earth who is “ready to find his forever.” The guy you’re speaking with on a dating app doesn’t even know what he’s doing next week. He started the conversation messaging, “What are you looking for on here” with the hopes that you’ll magically say, “To blow you, of course!!” He’s ready to find his four minutes at 2am.
Eunice is a 23-year-old flight attendant whose bio reads like she woke up New Year’s Day and coming on the show was her resolution. She’s called a “reformed party girl” and says “She left her sorority days behind her” and “she’s coming in with a clean slate” and “she submitted an audition tape after blowing the busboy at Denny’s.” I made up the last one, but her bio is a good example of how hard some women are on themselves about their own past. So just like this bio, they become vague and men always imagine a much worse scenario than the reality. For example, the bio also says “Her family has never met any of her boyfriends because they wouldn’t have approved.” That probably means she dated a couple of guys who ghosted. But I read that and immediately thought her parents are narcs and every guy she dates looks like the guy who touches his nose all party, and a handshake with Eunice will make my pee burn.
Hannah Ann is a model who lives at home with her parents. She’s also described as a “talented painter and loves to dabble in interior decorating.” No. Nope. If you’re living at home you can’t call yourself a model, painter, or interior decorator like that’s a real job. It’s like the people who put the red pin in their Instagram bio with “NYC|LA|Cleveland.” You don’t have three homes. You went to New York for an internship, took a trip to LA once, and you live with your parents in Cleveland while working the front desk at a Crunch Fitness. Hannah Ann is hot and maybe she’ll be a model or the next Picasso. But right now she’s someone with way too many Instagram followers because of some great beach pictures who likes to finger paint in the playroom her mom decorated with pillows from Kohl’s.
Jade is a Mormon who got married young and then divorced at 22, who claims to host the best game night in town. Jade isn’t winning. I don’t think Peter “I f*cked four times and probably didn’t make Hannah cum but she said it felt really good” Weber is going from 100k DMs to playing scrabble in Utah.
Jasmine’s profile reads pretty normal. She’s Vietnamese, so there will definitely be some sort of profile on her family and a tearful message about immigration on the first episode. The only part that gets weird is where it says, “Jasmine’s best friend is her golden retriever, Gnarles Barkley.” That’s one of those tidbits that you’d hear on a date and be like, “Lol that’s cute, I love dogs. But who do you really hang out with?” And then they’re like “No. My dog is my best friend.” And you’re like “Oh I know. I love dogs! But like, what person do you hang with most?” And then they’re like “OH SO YOU HATE DOGS?!” And you’re like “I just want to know if you have any human friends. This should be an easy answer. Just say a name. Wendy. Say Wendy and I’ll move on.” And then it gets quiet and the only thing heard is the sipping of drinks and you’re thinking, “I’m definitely not going to date her but I’ll still try and have sex.”
Jenna is going to do well on this show because she doesn’t really need the show. She’s a 22-year-old nursing student from Chicago. What’s going to happen if she gets sent home? Nothing. She’ll go back to Chicago and hook up with badly dressed dudes who think their Notre Dame degree is impressive. The 22-year-old students ALWAYS have the advantage. Nothing is hotter than coming onto a show to “see what happens” when a bunch of women are there to “find their forever.” Jenna is going to be like, “Ya Peter is pretty cute I guess” and then get into bed thinking about the TikTok she’s going to make while a 27-year-old contestant stays up all night wondering if Peter also noticed their weird hug.
Kiarra is a 23-year-old nanny who says she would pick napping over any other activity and is looking for “someone who is willing to find my car keys when I lose them once a week.” Let’s hope Kiarra does well on the show because this bio isn’t helping her nannying career at all. Oh, you like to nap and lose track of your belongings on a weekly basis?! Please take care of my toddler who needs ear drops every hour. I don’t think these bad habits will get any better when Kiarra gets 50k Instagram followers for being on the show.
The opening of Katrina’s bio could haunt any woman’s dreams for the next few years. Trigger warning!!
“Katrina’s parents are high school sweethearts that have been together for 40 years. Her younger brother is marrying his high school sweetheart next April, and her younger sister will probably get engaged soon to her serious boyfriend. Katrina’s the last one left and, according to her mom, Katrina needs to settle down soon because ‘her biological clock is ticking.'”
I’m sure a lot of you passed out at “younger sister will probably get engaged soon”, but you get the point. Katrina is 28, but I’m sure she feels 76 on this show. I mean, the last girl is a nanny who loves napping and social media. Katrina probably yells at Instagram on a daily basis and hasn’t slept since her mom bought her that dying egg countdown clock. Let’s all say a prayer for Katrina tonight and hope that she at least gets a sponsored post out of this whole thing.
Kelley’s bio says she’s a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her. Then it says that she is an attorney at her dad’s law firm and you remember that she’s going on a TV show to compete against 29 other women for one man. So why don’t we stop with all the dramatics, Kelley? You could’ve just said you were an attorney and we’d all be like “wow, she’s not an aspiring butt model?! This is the type of woman we want to win this show!” But then you had to scream your feminism from a rooftop your dad pays the rent on, and now we’re all pretty positive you’re one of those people who take month-long December vacations while posting about people’s privilege.
Kelsey is a professional clothier in Iowa. My favorite Bachelor tradition is people taking their very normal jobs and dressing them up in a word that’s a lie. I actually had to look up “clothier” and it’s defined as, “a person or company that makes, sells, or deals in clothes or cloth.” There’s no such thing as a “Clothier” in Iowa. You work at a Dress Barn, Kelsey. You’re not a clothier. You help moms find the fitting room to see if the sweater with a cat on it fits. I’m excited for Kelsey to get booted from the show and start calling herself a “Remote Masturbation Assistant” on Instagram.
Kylie is an entertainment sales associate from Santa Monica. I don’t know what that job is either. Does she just cold call people saying that she’s selling entertainment? I’m going to assume this is what it’s like to be hot. You can just say a job that doesn’t exist and people are like, “Yup! You sell the entertainment! Sounds good! Now please let me be seen next to you.”
Here’s how hot Kylie is: her bio says “the last time a guy tried to kiss her, she turned away and blamed it on not wanting to ruin her makeup.” That guy didn’t listen to a word of the date. He misread the situation so badly that she had to blame her makeup to avoid kissing. He’s probably reading this bio in shock. Sitting at home like, “WAIT THAT WAS A LIE?!? Is that why she hasn’t answered the 15 times I DMed, “Hey!?”
Lauren’s bio says that “her father and grandfather have been great examples of what husbands should be to a woman.” This is one of those things that women say a lot without any admission to the fact that their dad and grandfather were great to her mom and grandma but probably an ass to someone else’s mom and grandmother. Right now there’s an 80-year-old woman reading that bio like, “Ricky!?!? A great example?!? That asshole took me to the school dance, told me he was looking to get serious, and then ghosted after we had sex. Ricky is a good example of a guy who doesn’t go down on a bitch!”
Lexi is a 26-year-old marketing coordinator from NYC who “believes that dating as a redhead is hard.” That might be the most hilarious way to make yourself the victim that I’ve ever heard. I just imagine Lexi at brunch with a bunch of friends and one is like, “As an Asian woman, I feel like I’m fetishized” and another is like, “As a black woman, I feel like I’m unfairly portrayed as being difficult” and then Lexi is like, “Oh you guys have it easy, I’m a redhead who has the financial ability to leave my job for a few months to be on a TV show! You guys could never understand!! Do you know how much shampoo costs!?”
Madison is a 23-year-old foster parent recruiter who says she’s “looking for a man who will prioritize faith and family before everything else,” and if she were stranded on an island and could only bring one book, it would be The Bible. Every season there’s a crop of “God People,” and it never makes sense to me. I just can’t understand how The Bachelor became a real option to this community. Like, the only way to find a good man is to go on Christian Mingle or on TV to compete against someone named Celeste who hates drama.
I just imagine Madison getting sent off by her church. She’s like, “BYE everyone!!” And they’re like, “GOOD LUCK!!! DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR!!! READ THE BIBLE BY THE POOL!! IF A MAN DATES 30 WOMEN AT ONCE WE’RE COOL WITH IT BUT IF YOU EXPERIMENT WITH ANY OF THE OTHER FEMALE CONTESTANTS IT WON’T BE LOOKED AT KINDLY IN THE AFTERLIFE!!! BYE!!! GOOD LUCK!!!”
Maurissa is a 23-year-old Patient Care Coordinator who broke up with her boyfriend who wasn’t ready to get married, moved to Atlanta, and lost 80 pounds. To me, Maurissa has already won The Bachelor. Going onto this show after losing 80 pounds is the post-breakup dream. If I were Maurissa, I’d step out of the limo wearing a bikini and heels, put Peter over my shoulders, do three squats, and then blow a kiss to the camera. Then, as I’m walking away, they’d get a shot of my butt where, “Still Juicy Though” is stitched in glitter. Maurissa has already gotten enough DMs from guys who didn’t look twice at her in high school to make anything that happens on the show gravy.
Megan is 26-year-old flight attendant from San Francisco. Ok, that’s the third flight attendant this season. This is obviously because Peter’s a pilot and there’s some sort of unrealistic fantasy some viewers might have of him and his future wife flying the friendly skies together. The reality is that they’re probably at different airlines with different benefits programs that they’ve already paid into for a few years, so they’ll never see one another. But no! Some older woman in Wisconsin wants to say, “Isn’t that cute!!” So we got to try and ruin two people’s lives.
This is like when older Jewish women fix up any two Jews. They don’t think of personality matches or whether the person is even up for a date. Just “You’re a Jew, she’s a Jew, go make more Jews. Oh, she has a drug problem and he’s afraid of commitment? Who cares!! You both had themed Bar Mitzvahs at 13 years old, so it’ll all work out!!”
Mykenna is a 22-year-old fashion blogger from Langley, BC, Canada. Here’s a line from her bio:
“She is super close to her parents and is constantly inspired by her grandparents’ love, which makes sense, as they were together for 61 years and her grandpa proposed to her grandma on their first date.”
That job combined with the quote from her bio is just one continuous lie that we all have to nod our heads at. There’s no such thing as someone making their living as a 22-year-old fashion blogger without the last name Jenner or Kardashian. You didn’t apply to some blog and move to the fashion mecca of Langley, Canada to comment on the varying Canadian tuxedo trends of the year. You’re super close with your parents because you literally live super close to them, like the room next door. And grandpa proposed date one because there weren’t a lot of options in the woods of Canada, so it was between her and a caribou. Mykenna will do well on this show due to pure naïveté and delusion.
Natasha is a 31-year-old event planner from NYC. She’s the oldest on the show. I honestly can’t imagine going on this show after the age of 30. And it’s really not about 30 being old (it isn’t), it’s about 24 being really young. There are 13 women coming on the show who are 24 and younger. Above 30 and below 25 are two different species. Ask someone who’s 24 to give you a food or bar recommendation and it’s all about quantity. A bar with more people or a dinner that costs less money. Ask someone above 30 and it’s all about quality. A bar with comfortable seats or a dinner with a really good tapas selection. Going into a house of 13 people under the age of 24 who are talking about their love of travel even though the only place they’ve been is Nashville (where they spent half the time puking on Broadway in between sharing nachos) sounds like a 30-year-old’s hell. I wish you luck, Natasha. GODSPEED.
Payton is a 23-year-old business development rep who is very hot and has a bio that says, “Payton is not afraid of talking to strangers. In fact, she enjoys it!” Hot women who say stuff like “I love talking to strangers” are the worst to date. You’ll be out with them and suddenly they’re talking to the guy in line at the movie theater and you’ll be like, “What’s going on?!” and they’ll be like, “Meet my new friend Frank. He’s a pro bodybuilder!” And you’ll be like, “Umm cool.” And she’ll be like, “He does some porn on the side too but it’s to travel the world, isn’t that awesome!?” And you’ll be like “Nice to meet you Frank.” And the guy will shake your hand while holding eye contact with her and afterwards she’ll be like, “You were acting so weird” and end the relationship because you’re controlling.
Sarah is a 24-year-old Medical Radiographer whose bio says, “Sarah may be a Southern belle, but she dreams of a life outside Tennessee.” There is no narrative more played-out than the “Southern Belle” one. This isn’t 1932. She dreams of a life outside of Tennessee? Delta flies out of every major city in your state for $250 and the WiFi is the same in NYC as it is in the south. I like people from the south, but it seems like women use the phrase Southern Belle to make any normal thing sound more interesting; “Oh you’ve never had Chick-Fil-A?! Well this little southern belle loves her sauces. Northerners could never understand honey mustard!”
Savannah is a 27-year-old realtor from Houston whose bio says “used to have a cancer ribbon tattoo on her ribs, but removed it for the Houston Texans cheer tryouts.” I don’t know how that comes up in the interview. Were they like, “Hey, how far would you go for Peter?” and Savannah was like, “You know the disease that affects millions of lives around the world? Well I used to support that until it was down to me and a former stripper to dance during Texans timeouts for a hundred bucks. So ya… I’ll do anything.”
Shiann is a 27-year-old administrative assistant from Las Vegas. You start to understand why people cry on The Bachelor when you read Shiann’s bio. At one point it says, “Falling in love has been difficult in the past for Shiann because every guy she’s dated either ended up ghosting her, having a wife and kids, or liking her friends over her, but we have a feeling it’s only happy times ahead.” Why on Earth would anyone believe that it’s only happy times ahead?! Someone tells you that guys they date go for her friends and you’re like, “Well I’m positive things are looking up!! Just walk into this mansion and compete with 29 other women for this one guy who has trouble making women orgasm!!”
Sydney is a 24-year-old retail marketing manager from Alabama. Sydney’s bio says that she’s a relationship type of girl and her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and that her dream man will have a sweet tooth just like her. I think answers like those should disqualify you from this show. Has she heard of Thanksgiving? Your dream guy has to like cupcakes? What about someone who listens? Putting a relationship person whose favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day on a show where they put you on dates you’ll never be able to afford again is like buying your 16-year-old a Maserati. She’ll get to her first Tinder date after the show and she’ll be like, “WHAT?! No helicopter ride to a rose petal covered forest for afternoon champagne?!”
Tammy is a 24-year-old house flipper from Syracuse whose bio says she “comes from a hardworking family that immigrated over to Syracuse during the Vietnam War.” I can’t imagine their daughter being on The Bachelor was their American Dream. I can’t see them hopping on the last flight out of Vietnam, hugging one another while nervously crying about what adventures will come next as the dad whispers into the mom’s ear, “In America, our children can one day scream at a blonde girl from Utah for using her hair iron.”
Victoria F. is a 25-year-old medical sales rep from Virginia Beach who says she “loves a man who is in touch with his feelings and isn’t afraid to cry in public.” This is one of those things women say they like until it happens. Like, Victoria F. wants that one tear falling down a guy’s cheek that has just enough scruff to look like he could be the Brawny Man. She doesn’t want me messy crying while trying on pants that don’t fit at a Bloomingdale’s as a salesperson asks, “How are those feeling!?” All I’m saying is careful what you wish for, Victoria F.
Victoria P. is really hot. Her bio says something about losing her dad at a young age and her sister and mom having a drug thing, yada yada yada. But wow. Victoria P was hot enough for me to say to my girlfriend, “Look how hot she is” and for her to respond, “Ya. She’s hot.” When you’re hot enough for men and women to agree on your hotness, that means you’re a year away from two million Instagram followers. Women follow you because they like your style, and men follow you because they like to watch you but never like your posts. Remember this a year from now when you’re listening to Victoria P’s podcast called Vibing With Vicky, where she laughs really loud with other, not as hot, former Bachelor contestants about how hard it is to date in LA.
Images: ABC (31)