The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Chase Rice Would Like To Be Excluded From This Narrative

Presented by SkinnyPop

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Well, well, well, so we meet again Bachelor fam. Somehow we’ve made it to week four of this hostage situation otherwise known as The Bachelor, and the only person I’m actively rooting for at this point is Kelsey’s champagne bottle. Last week’s episode was a little dullsville for me. It felt like I was watching a two-hour fight I had with my sister in middle school last week over her stealing my shirt. You know, if that shirt were a commercial air pilot whose claim to fame involved desecrating windmills. Here’s hoping this week ABC actually steps it up in the drama department. And on that note, let’s dive right into this recap.

We start things off this week with Chris Harrison announcing that Peter and his copilots are headed to the exotic land of Cleveland! Tbh the only thing I know about Cleveland is that Tristan Thompson motorboated some random hoes at a nightclub there whilst he had a 9-months-pregnant Kardashian sitting at home alone. Yeah, that feels like a place that has the right energy to meet your future wife. Carry on. 

The women are also confused by the choice of Cleveland. At this point in Colton’s season they were all headed to Singapore, but instead these ladies are being treated to a wild few days away in middle America. Somehow it doesn’t have the same ring to it. I can’t wait to find out which of them had their passport suspended after an incident that involved too much Pinot Grigio and is responsible for this purgatory. 

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As an Ohio girl, I can say this. Lmao #thebachelor

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Okay, this is a VERY nice travel montage ABC has whipped together here. Can you FaceTune a city? Because Cleveland is starting to look like a mecca of art and culture over here. I love that the women are equally shocked by how nice Cleveland is. One girl is like “This is… Ohio, you say??” and says it with all of the confidence of a person who has never been further than an hour away from some sort of coast. 

Victoria F’s One-On-One Date

Victoria gets the first date card of the Cleveland trip, and I’ve been waiting for this date all season long. There’s been a rumor going around that Victoria F actually used to date one of the musicians ABC brings out for the one-on-one dates, and this is the kind of content I live for. 

Meanwhile, Victoria just KNOWS that the producers are going to push her off a cliff or something, because she strategically said in her pre-production interviews that she’s “so scared of heights.” Oh, sweetie. That’s cute that you think the producers are going to go for the low-hanging fruit like acrophobia when they can just take a grenade to your personal life instead.

VICTORIA: Oooh, why are we at an airport??

Because that’s where Peter takes literally all his dates, you idiot! He’s a pilot, haven’t you heard? You should only be surprised if you’re NOT at an airport.

Peter parks his plane at Cedar Point, which I’m told is a very popular amusement park, but it’s no Busch Gardens, so we’ll see about that. Victoria continues to play up the whole “I’m scared of heights” thing and it’s not like I don’t believe her or anything, but she also said she was scared to model during the group date last week and then closed the show in lingerie and a trench coat. 

Not only did Peter close down this amusement park for Victoria, but he also set up a private concert for the two of them and OH MY GOD SHE REALLY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT’S COMING LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. The look on her face when she realizes her ex, Chase Rice, will be the one to serenade her and her new boyfriend that she shares with 17 other women is f*cking priceless. 

CHASE RICE: Are you two having a good time?!

Guys, this show kills me. It’s actually a farce at this point. Peter is looking at Victoria like he’s so in love with her and Victoria is looking like she would rather eat glass than have to pretend to be into Peter and his salsa hips in front of her much-more-famous ex. 

I love that Peter is talking with Chase Rice and Chase Rice tells him he’s from Virginia just like Victoria, and he STILL doesn’t put two and two together as Victoria cowers and cries in the corner. Peter, come on! The clues are all there!

OH MY GOD IS SHE TALKING TO HER EX CHASE RICE WHILE ON A DATE WITH PETER?! Is she?! Look, that’s only okay when Peter does it with Hannah Brown. Don’t get it twisted, Victoria!! 

Wow, Chase Rice does not seem into her at all. This is making me think that maybe they just hooked up a few times when he was in town and now she’s mistaken that for an actual relationship. This point is further driven home for me when she asks Chase Rice what should she tell Peter about the two of them and he can’t even seem to place how he knows her.

Victoria decides that she needs to tell Peter about her thing with Chase Rice—it’s the honest thing to do. I just hope she’s able to hide the humble brag in her tone, lest she take a skewer to whatever scraps of self-esteem Peter has left from this franchise. 

VICTORIA: I don’t want Peter to be sad that I’ve banged someone much hotter and much more famous than him, you know?
CHASE RICE WATCHING THIS AT HOME RN: I would like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of since 2019.

Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening, and Peter makes a comment about how they could have Chase Rice sing at their wedding. I want to disintegrate into my couch. The producer who told him to say that has the blackest heart, I swear to god.

Victoria tells Peter that Chase Rice is her ex-boyfriend, but it’s over between the two of them and, just to be clear, she ended things with him because his lifestyle didn’t fit in with hers. And it’s like, wow, what a narrative you have there, Victoria. Kris Jenner would be proud of that pivot. 

Peter is very confused by Victoria’s announcement. He’s looking at Victoria right in front of him and thinking about Chase Rice from hours before and it’s not computing for him. He’s like “Chase Rice the musician? The guy that was just on stage?”

Victoria leaves the room overcome with emotion that I’m sure has everything to do with Peter and nothing at all to do with the brush-off Chase Rice gave her earlier in the day. Honestly, I don’t know why she’s crying. I feel like we aren’t getting the whole story here. If she truly dumped Chase Rice and she’s truly over him then what is she so upset for? Peter’s not going to dump her. If anything, he’s going to want to sleep with her even more. He’s got to figure out what sort of golden vagina she has that she was able to ensnare the headliner for Stagecoach 2020. 

And what do you know! Peter gives Victoria the rose. Take that, Chase Rice! I’m sure this will not keep you up at night at all.

The Group Date

For the group date, Peter takes the girls to the Browns stadium and he says it as if any of these girls will give a sh*t. I’m sure there will be at least one girl to feign interest because she’s “not like the other girls” and that’s the one you need to look out for, Peter. If she can fake being overly hype about this date, then she can certainly fake other things with you in that windmill. Oh, and look! That girl is Tammy!

We learn that the women will be split into two teams to compete in a football scrimmage, and the winning team gets to go to the cocktail party. Peter seems to think that pitting the women against each other will make for some good wholesome fun, but a very different picture is being painted on my television screen rn. 

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Bring it on, ladies! 😉🏈 #TheBachelor

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It’s less like a pickup game of football and more like the millennial hunger games. These girls are out for blood. You’ve got Deandra full-on body slamming bitches into the ground. At one point I half expect her to scream out a “welcome to the OC, bitch” as she rubs MyKenna’s face into the grass. Then there’s Shiann, who is acting like the outcome of this game will save all of China from the Huns. I’m horrified. Honestly, I’m watching these girls rip out each other’s hair extensions on the field right now, and I can’t even imagine where I would be if I were on this date. Probably faking a back injury on the sidelines like Hot Victoria. 

Holy sh*t. These girls are taking this game VERY seriously. I haven’t seen this much aggression and outright rough housing since my neighbor forced me to join her rec league kickball team and they stuck me on third base in the playoffs. I’m still talking to my therapist about those games.

In a shocking twist of events, the yellow team manages to tie up the game at the last minute, which means BOTH teams will be going on the group date tonight. The pink team is pissed about this outcome, but tbh there was no way in hell production was going to let a pot stirrer like MyKenna sit at home during the rest of this group date. Please.

As we enter into the cocktail portion of the evening, all the women are on edge. Nothing is fair in love and war, and it’s certainly not fair on a 13-person group date. Tensions are high when Hot Victoria, who didn’t even actually compete in the scrimmage because if the weather forecast says there’s a 3% chance of rain in the next 10 days then her right elbow starts to hurt and she didn’t want to chance it, swoops in and steals Peter first. 

Okay, WHAT. ALAYAH IS BACK?! Can you just show up on this show whenever you feel like it? It’s not even like they’re still back at the Bachelor mansion, they’re in Cleveland for god’s sake! How did she even find them? Did she track them down through Twitter threads of fan sightings or something? Because I’m impressed. 

ALAYAH: Can I steal him for a sec?
We learn that Alayah is back on the show to clear her good name. Even though just last week we saw her get wine drunk, put on a captain’s hat, and declare she’d like Peter to take her to the mile high club, she doesn’t want America to get the wrong idea about her. She tells Peter that Hot Victoria is a liar and that they’ve known each other for way longer than the three hours Hot Victoria claimed they had. She even knows what the P in Victoria P’s last name stands for! 

I love watching Hot Victoria dig her own grave. She’s like “well we did only know each other for three hours but, like, three hours of each day of the seven-day pageant competition and then we might have exchanged numbers and gone on a girls’ trip to Cabo after but I just don’t know, Peter. I DON’T KNOW!”

“My truth is the truth,” Hot Victoria says as she lies through her teeth.

Look, I’m not saying I don’t believe Hot Victoria, but that was a VERY cozy hug she just gave Alayah. Certainly not a hug you give a person you’ve only known for three hours, unless those three hours were spent waiting in line for a bathroom after 1am. 

You can tell Peter’s not buying Victoria’s story because he actually asks Alayah to come back to the house, even if it means that the women will form an angry mob and burn him at the stake for it. But, you know, follow your heart and everything, Peter. 

OMG HE GIVES ALAYAH THE ROSE WHEN SHE WASN’T EVEN ON THE DATE. Wooooowwww. No wonder Reality Steve hasn’t been able to spoil the season yet. Peter can’t end up with anyone if the women all murder him and hide his body in Ohio.

High off her group date rose, Alayah attempts to reform old alliances in the house by updating the girls on what they’ve missed on Instagram. God, she knows how to read a room. She’s like “guys, I got to Google!!! Go grab some wine and meet in my room for the dirt!”

She tells the women all about Victoria’s past with Chase Rice, and the women look just as confused as Peter was when he heard the news. You can tell they’re all questioning the validity of said relationship, because why tf would Victoria be on this show if she’s been getting hot and heavy with country music stars?

Kelsey’s One-On-One Date

Kelsey gets the second one-on-one date of the week and I’m truly so proud of her. This is a girl who, just two weeks ago, spewed champagne all over her face on national television and locked herself in a closet to wail about it. And now she’s on a one-on-one date! This is the comeback story we need in 2020!! If she can recover from something like that, it gives me hopes that I can recover from that one time I got drunk at brunch and slid into Joey from The Circle’s DMs. Not all heroes wear capes!

Peter updates her about the Alayah situation and Kelsey gives a GREAT answer. She says that she doesn’t blame him for bringing her back and that he should figure out this relationship for himself and THAT, ladies, is how you secure your spot for the next 2-3 weeks. She’s not trying to start drama or talk sh*t or blame Peter. Outwardly she’s showing support, but inwardly she’s plotting Alayah’s demise. This is called maturity, ladies, take note!

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Did we feel the sparks in Cleveland with these two? #thebachelor #bachelornation 🌹🍾🥂

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Honestly, I’m really surprised at how into her Peter is. I feel like we haven’t really seen much of Kelsey for him to be this invested. Kelsey is also surprised by the attention and makes a plan to hold it by bringing up her sordid past: her family’s divorce. I can’t wait to hear what other trauma she reveals. Did she fall off her bike once too?

Peter tells her that he can relate to the trauma of growing up as a child of divorce because once upon a time his grandparents came to America from Cuba. Really grasping at straws for a connection here, aren’t we, Peter?

Kelsey gets the date rose, and she really deserves it for sitting through that entire dinner and not mocking Peter once for his turtleneck. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Victoria finds out that Alayah revealed to the rest of the girls all about that one time she blew Chase Rice in Charlotte her past relationships. She’s upset that Alayah would dare reveal that story when she only just told Peter yesterday. It’s her truth to tell, Alayah!! 

The Rose Ceremony

At long last we reach the rose ceremony. The women are moments away from a public hanging, but it’s too soon to tell whether it’s Peter’s or Alayah’s. Okay, Peter is far too confident making this toast rn. It’s like watching a baby gazelle take a cool drink of water right before a group of lions rips his throat out. Poor Peter.

Peter can’t even get two words out before Deandra jumps down his throat about being disappointed in his choices. Then Natasha backs her up with Shiann vigorously nodding her head in approval. I really feel like this isn’t the smartest move for them. They’re treating him less like a romantic suitor and more like a mom who just wants her kid to put away his laundry away. I will say I’m LOVING how the women have hijacked this rose ceremony, though. 

PETER: So, I’d like to make a toast—

Peter tries to pull Hot Victoria aside first so he can explain himself, and she loses her ever-loving sh*t on him. Wow. The BALLS it takes to lie to someone and then yell at them for being mad that you lied. Bravo, Hot Victoria. I never knew you had this much manipulation in you. 

The women continue to rage against Alayah and, you guys, I really don’t understand why everyone hates her so much. She wasn’t trying to be malicious by saying that thing about Chase Rice, she was just trying to make friends. And also, it’s true!! It’s not even like she’s spreading lies. It’s just the truth. I’m not Team Alayah or anything, but they’re acting like she’s the antichrist and not a girl who just wanted to share some hot goss. 

I also love that the women, even with all the might and wrath of their coven channeled directly at Peter, honestly think he would send Alayah home when she’s wearing that black dress of sin. She has a slit down to her pubic bone and is showing enough cleavage that she could shoplift a Thanksgiving turkey and hide it in there! I’m sorry, but he’s never going to send her home dressed like that.

And that’s right where the episode ends. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Peter makes it out of Ohio alive. Honestly, it’s too soon to tell. Until then!

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The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Are We Getting A New Bachelor Next Week?

Presented by SkinnyPop

Welcome back, Betchelor Nation, to the 24th annual Hunger Games season of The Bachelor! It’s the start of a new decade, and the good people over at ABC decided to respond in kind by shaking things up this season with a Bachelor so diverse, so dynamic, that he’s unlike any we’ve seen befor—wait, what’s that you say? The Bachelor this year is just a moderately attractive Delta pilot who happened to live down the street from the Bachelor mansion? Christ.  

On that note, I’ll be your resident recapper for the season, and if you’re wondering what makes me qualified for such an esteemed position, let’s just say I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and tears the deterioration of my liver. If you have any issues with the recaps, you can take it up in your group chat because the comments section is strictly for praise and adoration only, it says so in my contract. Now, shall we get to recapping?

We’re told right away that the premiere episode will be three soul-sucking hours long, because I can only assume that production is trying to test the limits of our sanity and resolutions only six days into the new year. Tonight you betches are in for a real treat, though, because in addition to my dog, I’ll be watching the episode with my neighbor who has watched approximately one episode of this show ever. She’s already asked me things like “is there a grand prize at the end?” and “do all the contestants live in one house like The Real World?” So, this should be fun. 

We start things off with ABC’s apology tour a brief reminder that even though we campaigned for, begged for, and wrote thinly veiled threats on Twitter for Mike Johnson to be the Bachelor this season, we’re still getting Pilot Pete. ABC does, however, treat us to a montage of Peter salsa dancing in the kitchen with his family, if only to remind us that he’s ~diverse~, just in case we forgot.  Subtle, ABC, real subtle.

It’s at this point in the program that my neighbor leans over and asks me why Peter is talking about his love life to his Uber driver. She is referring to Chris MOTHERF*CKING Harrison. I’m dead. 

PETER: I’m the Bachelor, I don’t know what I did to deserve this. 

Um, you were a conventionally attractive white man in America, Peter. That’s what you did to deserve this.

One of my favorite parts of the first episode are when we get to see the new contestants at home before they come on the show. In fact, I LIVE for it because then we get to see very early on who is on the show because of their daddy issues and who is on the show for the right reasons because their agent advised them to do reality TV to up their Instagram sponsorships. It’s fun! Here are my first impressions:

☆ Calling it right now Hannah Ann is the winner, or at least makes it to the bitter end. A southern girl who just likes to model and then make it to Sunday dinner with her family?? You will go far, girlfriend.
☆ Victoria Paul is hot nurse with a sob story. She’s like The CW’s wet dream. If she doesn’t win this entire thing then her life story will definitely be the backstory of a character on Riverdale next season.
☆ Hmm… are we really to believe this Madison character is a seasoned basketball player? Because this feels made up to me. If she’s a basketball player then I’m a model for the next “My Levi’s” campaign.

The Limo Entrances

We’re now 25 minutes into this three-hour episode and we’ve already made it to the limo entrances. Things don’t start off great. One of the women says that Peter looks like a doll, and I’m sure he loves that the women are talking about him like they’re his aunts and this is his first communion. Then there’s Eunice, who thinks she’s special because she’s a flight attendant. Oh, honey. If you thought ABC wasn’t going to take advantage of the Delta pilot thing by making sure that no less than half the house was made up of flight attendants, and maybe even a few aspiring flight attendants, then I just feel sad for you. 

Another girl rolls in with her emotional support cow named Ashley P. Tbh I feel more kindred to the animal than the girl who brought her here because, like Ashely P, I too am an emotional support cow.

The low point of these entrances has to be when a grown-ass woman decides that the best way to introduce herself to the man she might marry one day is by showing up as actual baggage. Like, girl, no need to be so literal about it! He’s going to find out about your trust issues soon enough, just let him find out the old-fashioned way: after you call him 50 times in a row because he didn’t like your tweet right when you posted it. Yeesh.

Wait, I spoke too soon. A girl just said “hairless p*ssy” on national TV. This the true low point and proof that we’re in the Bad Place. Let’s just call 2020 a wash and light it on fire.

I will say I’m intrigued by Kelley, who tells us that she is a woman from Peter’s past. Apparently they met in a hotel lobby pre-production? He was there for his high school reunion and she was… stalking him? Idk. It’s unclear. She must have made quite the impression on him, though. I can’t relate. The only impression I ever make in a hotel lobby is on the concierge, and that’s because even though it explicitly states on their website that they don’t have a continental breakfast, I still vehemently express how disappointed I am about this and threaten to call the police. To each their own, though.

And just as I truly thought these entrances were going to be a waste of my time, who should pop out of the limo next but Hannah f*cking Brown. I’m not so much shocked that she came out of the limo as I’m shocked that ABC just like, showed us this content 50 minutes into an episode. They didn’t even hold it hostage and emotionally waterboard us with 90 minutes of fluff footage before they aired it!! Wow, this is growth. 

Hannah claims that she just wanted to stop by to drop off Peter’s wings he gave her last season, which is definitely why she went to her Dancing with the Stars glam team and demanded full hair and makeup. Honestly, I’m here for it. The sparks are FLYING. 

MY NEIGHBOR: She’s cute. They should get back together. 

I mean, tell me the lie though!!!

The Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

We quickly transition into the first cocktail party and rose ceremony of the season, and I’m concerned by how quickly this episode is progressing. Where is the footage from Shirley’s viewing party in Lansing, MI that no one asked for? Why haven’t we seen ANY footage of Ashley I and Jared holding court in a random bar like they’re regular people for absolutely no reason at all? I don’t trust it. 

Hannah Ann starts things off strong by giving Peter her latest Wine ‘N Design. She definitely brought this home beaming with pride, and then when her roommates claimed it “just doesn’t fit our aesthetic” decided she would present it to the Bachelor on national TV to shove it in their faces. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Hannah Ann might be drunk.

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What did you think of night 1? Who are your favs? Leave your reactions, comments, and questions below!! 🌹

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The night does not improve. I’m actually alarmed by the amount of women physically assaulting Peter with their lips. One girl even handcuffs him and makes him kiss her for the key! If this happens one more time, I’m calling a hotline. 

Okay, one girl who is KILLING it tonight is little Miss Hotel Lobby. At one point, Peter asks Kelley how she could possibly still be on the market and it’s like, okay what really happened in this lobby? ‘Cause I’m not buying that all that happened between them was one side hug and some small talk about the LA weather.

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann successfully manages to steal three more “quick chats” with Peter and even scores some light groping. I stand by my earlier comment about her being drunk. Classic.

It’s time to hand out the First Impression Rose, and my immediate thought is that it’s going to Kelley. I mean, it’s not every day you get a second chance with the girl who gave you a handie in the hotel lobby’s bathroom, amiright? So I’m shocked that he gives it to Hannah Ann. 

PETER: I really appreciate the aggressiveness. It really touched me. Seriously. You would not stop touching me. You wouldn’t leave me the f*ck alone. 

Awww. That’s sweet.

And that moves us into the rose ceremony. Truly, this episode is FLYING by. The rose ceremony is kind of a snooze. Production doesn’t even attempt to drum up the tension, and it goes about how you’d expect: Maurissa, Katrina, Kylie, Avonlea, Eunice, Jade, Jenna, and Megan all get the boot. Katrina, the girl whose bio read like my personal hellscape as she described every single person in her family being married (including her younger sister!!), doesn’t even have a full-blown panic attack on her way out. I’m disappointed. 

The First Group Date

Once again, we are moving at the speed of light through this episode, as it’s only 9pm and we are already getting into the first group date. After it’s announced who will be joining Peter on the group date, Peter casually swings by the Bach mansion in his plane, and all 20 women have one synchronized orgasm at the sight. 

For the group date, the women will be learning how to crochet. Kidding! OF COURSE it will be all about flying, because ABC is not done hammering home the fact that Peter is a pilot. And to instruct the women on the trials and tribulations of becoming a pilot, we are introduced to two of the most cynical, no-nonsense women I’ve ever seen on this franchise. It’s nice to feel represented for once. 

I love that ABC is trying to convince us that these 12 women are going to be able to fly a plane at the end of this when I’m almost certain they needed an extra 50 hours of driving school to pass their DMV test. Jesus, what is this, the GRE? What is with this math quiz?

Hot Victoria tells us that her biggest fear is motion sickness, which is fun because my biggest fear is crippling loneliness and looking into the yawning pit that is my career and future, but please tell me more about this traumatizing teacup ride from your childhood. 

This obstacle course post-flight school feels random, but I’m just thankful ABC didn’t actually think to put them in a plane after that. Little Miss Hotel Lobby wins the obstacle course and a private plane ride with Peter despite Tammy setting her aflame with her mind. I just love how pissed these girls are at Kelley. Like, yeah she cheated, but this is The Bachelor, a lawless land of a show. What did they expect?

Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening, and Hot Victoria is really playing up this illness thing. I mean, that’s why she’s wearing those heinous glasses, right? She’s trying to remind Peter that only hours ago she was vomiting up her breakfast because of the “motion sickness,” and not at all because Psycho Tammy put whole milk instead of almond milk in her morning coffee—look at this sacrifice she made for you, Peter!! 

We find out that the hotel they’re using for this cocktail hour is in fact the same hotel that Peter totally banged Kelley in. What fortuitous circumstances for our girl, Kel. Kelley is GIDDY with this information and is probably hoping to reenact their first bj “run-in” in the aforementioned hotel lobby tonight. And here I thought WWIII was going to start over that whole Iran thing, but now I’m thinking it might start in this very hotel lobby when the other girls find out Kelley’s secret. 

Peter gives Kelley the group date rose, and I’m happy for her. Usually the guys I meet in hotel lobbies, or random bars, or the parking lot of the World of Beer at 2am when everyone else has paired off for the night except for me and this last guy standing by a Toyota, don’t even give me a head nod the next time I bump into them, let alone a f*cking rose. Good for you, girl. Live the dream.

Madison’s One-On-One Date

Madison gets the first one-on-one date of the season, and I have nothing much to say about this except I’m offended by that little pink jersey dress. It’s less appropriate for a day date with America’s most eligible bachelor and more appropriate for the clearance section of my hometown’s Wet Seal. Do better, Madison.

Wait. Is Peter bringing her home for the first date? TO HIS PARENTS’ VOW RENEWAL?! And seated right up front in hot pink. Wow. Okay. And to think, my cousin wouldn’t even give me a plus-one to her wedding! I see how it is. 

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How do we get in this family?! Did you feel the love 🌹❤️🌹#thebachelor #bachelornation

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Madison is doing the most on this date. Not only does she give a little speech at the ceremony despite being a literal stranger to these people, she even lets Peter’s mom force feed her cake at one point, which has to be the first carb she’s eaten in her entire adult life.

I’m watching her recount this beautiful day she and Peter shared with each other and in my mind all I can think is: “this will not end well for you when the others find out.” 

I love how they like to emotionally masturbate to their parents’ love stories. It’s like a circle jerk for familial love. It’s so off-putting. “Oh, your parents have been together for 30 years? God that’s good! I love that! Give me more!” I bet Madison’s parents are divorced.

MADISON: You remind me of my dad, which is good because I have daddy issues.

Madison gets a rose at the end of the date, but I expected she would. She really earned it the second she pretended to eat that Costco party cake and enjoy it.

The Second Group Date

Peter starts things off by telling us he’s merely a puppet in the Greek tragedy the producers hope to make of his personal life, and that he has absolutely no idea what they’ve planned for this second group date. In fact, all he knows is that a “good friend” is the mastermind behind today’s group date. And what do you know! This “good friend” is none other than Hannah Brown! The devil works hard, but ABC works harder.

Hannah starts things off by telling the girls a fun story about the one time she f*cked the guy they’re all interested in, and that for the date they’re all going to have to bare their souls sexual sins to a live audience. It’s all in good fun and not at all an act of malicious jealousy! Nope!

Okay, wow, Hannah is having a tough time with this. Peter finds her crying in a back room and she tells him that she’s really struggling with helping him find his co-pilot. He’s like “oh, so that first night you weren’t just there because it’s in your contract? You might actually like me?” YES, YOU IDIOT! Did you see the dress she had on that night? My god!

Hannah says she still loves Peter and that she’s really f*cked up. I understand this sentiment. It’s something I said when I drunk dialed my ex boyfriend at midnight on New Year’s Eve. We’ve all been there, girl. It’s like, do you really miss him or do you just want to sabotage his future love and happiness because it will make you feel good? Neither is a wrong answer, by the way. 

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??? #thebachelor

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Honestly, I’m rooting for these two. When he says he wishes she would have asked him out on “After The Final Rose” instead of Tyler, my cold, dead heart started beating again. GAH JUST BE WITH HER ALREADY, PETER!!

PETER: Do you regret sending me home?
HANNAH: Yeah, Peter. All the time. 


You guys, it feels like they might get together? Idk, are we getting a new Bachelor next week?? Honestly, I wouldn’t be mad about it, but I guess we’ll have to wait until Monday to find out. Until then!

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