The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 7

Well, fam, I’m back! Back spending another Monday held hostage by Mike Fleiss and his dynamic storytelling. Imagine that. To put things into perspective for you, last week I was relaxing lakeside with a cocktail and not a care in the world, and this week I’m crying on the phone to Optimum about my shitty internet while they ask, “did you try turning it off and then back on?” Such is life. Anyway, to those of you who missed me last week, I’d like to hear a little more praise in the comments. Thx. For those of you who didn’t, well, you can go shave your back now. Okay, moving on. This week Becca and her boys are off to the vacation a parent uses to win you over in the divorce Bahamas! How romantic.

Okay, Becca is acting like the Bahamas are a goddamn seventh wonder of the world.  She’s like “it’s unlike any place I’ve seen before,” and that makes sense because so far the budget for her season has been about as extravagant and over-the-top as a Sbarro birthday party.

CHRIS: You’ve never been here before? To the Bahamas? Tickets are like $300 round trip though?
BECCA: Nope! Never!
CHRIS:

Back at the hotel lobby of the Atlantis bangin’ accommodations ABC was able to pull off, the men start quietly going to pieces at the notion of having to actually introduce this stranger to their parents in another week. They have watched this show before, yes?

Sidenote: Wills is wearing a cheetah print RompHim, barely enunciating his words, and he’s STILL the best catch on this entire godforsaken show. Brb, just going to start a grassroots campaign for his #Bachelor candidacy right this fucking minute.

Colton’s One-On-One Date

Colton gets the first one-on-one date this episode, because I guess production finally got tired of my weekly irate DMs about when we’re going to see the big virginity reveal. You’re welcome, everyone.

Becca whisks Colton away and Blake looks like he’s three seconds away from popping a blood vessel and telling Becca right then and there that Colton is a virgin with a capital V. 

EVERY MAN IN THAT ROOM’S INNER MONOLOGUE RN:

Becca’s like, “I picked Colton because have you seen his abs?” Which, like, fair, but also BECCA YOU’RE GOING TO MEET HIS FAMILY NEXT WEEK AND THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT HIM?? I fucking quit with this show.

COLTON: I haven’t felt this excited about a girl in a while since Tia rubbed one out on me last summer.

WAIT. Is Colton finally going to tell Becca that he’s a virgin?? Is he?! Oh of fucking course ABC has to interrupt his big reveal by sending in some island man to wreck the moment.

ISLAND MAN: Would you like to dive for conch?
BECCA: Oh I loooove conch. I can’t get enough conch.
ALSO BECCA: Conch sounds like cock, get it?
ISLAND MAN: 

Yeah, that’s good Becca. Mock the accent of the guy who has to make a living off of helping dipshits like you dive for seashells. Nice.

Moving on to the conchtail portion of this evening (lol I crack myself up). Colton’s like, “so I have something to tell you” and you know Becca’s mind immediately goes to Tia rn. She’s got to be wondering if now’s the time when she finally finds out about where Tia and Colton “just kissed” last summer. No worries, B, he’s not into Tia! He just has no idea about the female anatomy! Mazel Tov to you both!

Lololol. Did Colton really just say he’s a virgin because of sports? Am I really to believe that Colton is the first pro athlete in history who couldn’t get any? AM I? Also, why do I feel like Colton is the kind of virgin who’s like, “anal doesn’t count tho” even though he’s a dude? Just me?

Is it just me, or does Becca look pissed? Omg why is she acting this way? Becca storms out of the Atlantis dining hall and leaves Colton and his hymen alone. I can’t believe she’s this pissed about not being able to bang him.

Becca comes back after crying outside about the sex that could have been and this is so fucking uncomfortable. She’s like “I’m not going to judge you except for those 10 minutes immediately after you told me and I flipped out.”

Becca gives Colton a rose anyway, though, because have you seen his abs? Also, who wants to bet three seconds after this dinner ended she sent Tia a picture of him and that rose?

@bkoof & @coltonunderwood spending a fun day on the water. She’s in a @beccaswim orange 2 piece & earrings by @brooklyndesigns Makeup: @ginamo11 @bacheloretteabc @bachelor_nation

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Garrett’s One-On-One Date

Garrett gets the second one-on-one date of the week, because apparently Becca is into abs and bigotry. I swear her taste in men is less sophisticated than her taste in evening wear. And I’ve seen a lot of fucking low-rent sparkles this season.

A water plane picks the couple up for the day and the plane literally has Tia’s name written on it. Did anyone else just see that? Like, did ABC drain their entire budget trying to get Wayne fucking Newton on the show that they couldn’t get enough cash to fix the plane they booked when Tia was still going to be The Bachelorette?? Also, I’m happy that Tia has at least one petty camera person still on her side who’s willing to undermine Becca one subtle panoramic shot at a time. I hope that helps her sleep at night.

BECCA: This is so romantic. There’s no one else around us.

Yeah, except a camera crew and all of America mocking you. Because in that bathing suit, they absolutely will be.

God this date is so boring. Becca thinks Garrett might be a good guy and so she tries to pick him apart bit by bit until she finds something to hate about him. This is literally a technique I use after a second date when a guy calls me back, pays for the bill, and treats me with respect. So, like, I get it.

Becca’s like “he’s so happy and carefree all the time and I don’t trust it.” Smart girl. Clearly there are no intimacy issues here. Nope, not at all.

Their date ends with Garrett getting the rose and Becca taking off her clothes because she’s been sending mixed signals to him all night so why not throw a little nudity into the mix too?

Blake’s One-On-One Date

Blake and Becca’s date starts off with a special performance from the Baja Men! Tbh I’m not sure what I find more disturbing here: Blake’s dance moves or the fact that ABC paid ACTUAL MONEY to get the people who sang “Who Let The Dogs Out” on their show. Like, are they just lighting money on fire at this point?

The Baha Men, Becca, and Blake! #TheBachelorette

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Lord, Jesus, fix it. 

Okay, Blake is barely holding it together on this date. His emotional state might be less stable than Selena Gomez after she saw Justin Bieber’s engagement announcement last night. So, like, not well bitch!

Ah, so Blake has a sob story. I mean, it’s about divorce, but he does have that nice small town spin on it. But was nobody else disturbed and intrigued by how quickly Blake snitched on his mom?? I’d disown my children for far less than outing my affair on national television, I’m just saying. Tbh Becca loves a good sob story so this might actually work in Blake’s favor.

Blake keeps talking about how hard it is for him to open up with people, but I’m not buying it. The boy has had more emotional breakdowns in this one episode than I’ve had since realizing I forgot my headphones as the subway doors close. Please.

BECCA: I find it so attractive that you constantly talk about how into me you are.

Jesus. Her bar is similar to mine so low.

The Group Date

We’re 2.5 seconds into this group date, and I can already tell that this is going to end in heartbreak—and obviously I’m referring to my heartbreak here, because I have a feeling Wills isn’t going to make it. Blake got a rose on his one-on-one, which means Leo, Jason, and Wills are all competing for the same rose on this date. I have a feeling that this is where Becca cuts any guy who doesn’t shop at the Gap from her “journey of love”. Mark my fucking words.

The first part of the date involves a game of beach volleyball. Because nothing says romance like team sports. Okay, there are so many different personalities on this date rn. We’ve got Wills, who is too pure for this world. Then there’s Jason, who is the physical and emotional embodiment of my grandfather whose biggest life accomplishment is his timeshare in Florida. And finally, Leo, who would never have even made it this far without his hair. 

Just saying.

You guys I’m so uncomfortable rn. Leo keeps giving Becca butterfly kisses while she tries to have an adult conversation about his family and personal life. Also, now that I know he’s done porn, I’m wondering if he wouldn’t stop the kissing because no one said cut?

Oh shit! Leo and his forehead kisses get sent home. See you in Paradise, buddy!

We get to the cocktail portion of this evening and it’s Wills vs. Jason. Everything’s fine, but I am breathing into a paper bag. Just fyi.

Becca pulls Jason aside first and immediately starts bitching about how he hasn’t declared his undying love for her yet. She’s like “the other guys have lied to me about the extent of their feelings already and you haven’t so I’m considering sending you home. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

JASON, TELL HER YOU DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS. Like what is this? She shouldn’t punish him for needing more time to figure out his feelings for her. Like, has he even had a one-on-one date yet? Or is he just like, the one she always makes out with in a corner every group date?

She seems to have a good conversation with Wills, but that means nothing. This bitch is more fickle than I am with my diets.

JASON GETS THE ROSE. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. On the one hand, I’m devastated for Wills. On the other hand I’d like to slide into his DMs he deserves happiness too, you know? All I’m saying is his Bachelor 2019 Campaign starts right fucking now.

Oh god he’s crying! Becca doesn’t even pretend like this was a hard decision for her. She keeps awkwardly patting Wills’ knee and looking at her nonexistent watch and it’s like REMEMBER WHEN HE TOLD YOU YOU MADE HIM BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN.

REMEMBER!!

Okay, Wills is acting classy AF. He won’t even break down in front of the cameras for Instagram followers ABC’s sick pleasure. Meanwhile, the camera keeps panning to Becca dry humping Jason on a pool chair. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD.

Okay, well, I’m out, betches. Oh, and ABC, congratulations, I’m emotionally ruined. YOU GOT ME. Anyway, can’t wait to tune in next week to watch Tia make one last play at sabotaging Becca’s happiness. Should be lit!

Images: Giphy (6; ABC (3); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @caryfetman /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 6

Here we are once again, ready to be assaulted by 80’s cabana wear and oversize sequins, courtesy of lil miss next door Midwest and her stylist, who is out to get us all. Our regular recapper is on vacation, so you’re stuck with me this week. Cry about it in the comments. Anyway, this week, the financially unstable ABC is whisking us away to scenic, exotic RICHMOND, VIRGINIA. That’s right—Virginia is for lovers, and Virginia is all this show can afford! It’s like Utah, but with less natural wonder and more hate crime. What a place.

We get a great intro piece as Becca frolics through a big L-O-V-E sign, only slightly struggling with the spelling.

Becca’s search for L-O-V-E takes her to Richmond, Virginia! ❤ #TheBachelorette

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Becca meets up with Messy Bitch Chris Harrison, and they giggle on a pink couch about how Becca is already planning her wedding. Sounds healthy!

As Becca has some much-needed girl talk with Chris, the guys are ECSTATIC about Richmond and this boutique hotel they’re checking in to.

“Just like Virginia birthed decades of slavery the nation, I hope it births love with Becca.” – Leo ManBun

Chris reminds us that he’s still a psycho, and picks the most underwhelming fight I’ve seen since 5th grade with Famous Floor Shitter, Lincoln.

CHRIS: You’re body shaming me.
LINCOLN: Nuh-uh, bro
CHRIS: Bro.
LINCOLN: BRO!
CHRIS: Don’t push on me, buddy
LINCOLN: I’m not your buddy, guy
CHRIS: I’m not your guy, friend.

Etc.

Sometime during this riveting conversation, Jason gets the first one-on-one, and yet Chris STILL finds a way to try to make it about himself. He basically says to Jason, “I’m happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but I’m bout to have the best one-on-one date OF ALL TIME!”

It’s about this point that my husband begins insisting that Jason is the poor man’s version of that guy from 10 Things I Hate About You. He proceeds to Google search that shit and damn, he’s right.

Jason was great in 10 Things I hate About You. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/MfZhglUYng

— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) July 3, 2018

Jason’s One-On-One

Jason and Becca’s date consists of wandering around town, sippin’ Champagne on a private trolley so as to survey the Confederate monuments and alley crack deals from a distance. Have the producers ever BEEN to Richmond? The happy couple heads to an old church, which is kinda like what I just did in Bordeaux except this church is only about 100 years old, has little to no historical significance, and is v underwhelming. They then head to a museum dedicated to Edgar Allen Poe, which is essentially a testimony and monument to a man that died of alcoholism and loneliness—the same fate waiting for about 60% of the viewers of this show. I see you, ABC.

Jason: LOL YAY SHE’S DEAD

Outside the Poe museum are a group of the goth kids from high school that no one talked to. This is apparently an “unhappy hour” where everyone looks aggressively bored and shoots death glares at Jason and Becca for daring to laugh and express joy. Whose idea was this?? Was this date planned by April Ludgate?

After dedicating far too many minutes to dead things and weirdos, Becks and Jason head to a hipster bar in the white part of town. The producers—er, Becca—has somehow convinced Jason’s friends to come so she can grill them about any weird sex habits really get to know him better. Then it’s time for dinner at the train station, and I always think it’s funny how they choose a giant venue for these one-on-one dinners and end up only using a small corner of the room and not eating anything.

Jason shares a sob story about his grandma who had Alzheimer’s and, naturally, snags the rose. Becca one-ups his story with one about her dad dying and Jason is all, “thanks for sharing that.” It feels like he just thanked her for participating in show-and-tell at an elementary school and not like, revealing how she watched her dad take his last breath. Becks then makes an eloquent speech and says Jason has “all the best characters I’ve ever met in a man.” I’m gonna leave that there.

As they kiss on the balcony, the camera pans to the street below, full of no less than 10 cop cars. Ah, Richmond. Was it a triple homicide? Crack deal gone wrong? Hate crime? Just another night in this scenic city.

The Group Date

Becca is taking her group of miscreants to the capitol building. George Washington AND Abe Lincoln are there and YOU GUYS, seems like the budget is NOT a total loss this season!

Three great Americans chat before the Beccalection debate! ???????? #TheBachelorette

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It’s time for Beccalection 2018—which is basically just making all the guys stand at podiums on the steps of the capitol and declare how much they love a woman they just met. Really, not diff than regular politics. Thank god their names are on said podiums, because I still can’t keep track.

Suddenly, the governor of fucking Virginia appears. I’m sorry—did he have nothing else to do? How much did ABC pay this man? Again—I’m starting to understand where the budget went this season.

Lincoln starts playing dirty and starts picking at Chris like I’m currently picking at my poison ivy rash (I thought I was immune!). Chris fires back and everything gets real awkward. Pan to the audience of middle-aged white women who all share the same facial expression, which says “Do we clap, or, IDK, WTF DO WE DO? Shit! Help!”

Is Chris really hashing out his fat kid probs in front of His Majesty, The Governor? How dare he! The governor looks v upset and his whole day is prob ruined. I’ve gotta say, though, that the weirdest part about this entire group date is how Becca is asking NONE of the questions in this panel that is literally ABOUT HER. Actually, kind of a metaphor for the current American political system. Carry on.

Oh well, time for a cocktail party at The Haunted Mansion!

For her outfit this evening, Becca goes for a pared-down black jumpsuit and—oh, she sneezed into some glitter sparkles and is now covered in glitter sparkles. Bless you, sweetie.

The arguments continue because Becca tells Chris that Lincoln was talking shit and Chris is all, “OH NO HE DIDN’T” and we’re in fucking middle school. Their conversation breaks down exactly as follows.

Chris: I’m uncomfortable
Becca: I’m uncomfortable
Chris: That makes me uncomfortable
Me: I’m so fucking uncomfortable

Garrett gets angry because he loses out on five minutes with Becca and GARRETT SMASH! tells Lincoln and Chris to grow a pair and STFU. Can anyone tell me what this fight was even about in the first place?

Also sorry, but where TF has Connor been this whole time? I literally just noticed him. Is he new? Also, is Wills consistently high or does he just have crazy facial expressions? Wills has been talking this entire episode like somebody turned his volume knob down to 3. Has anybody else noticed that he is barely audible?? I am not here for it.

Becca goes with her puss gut and gives the rose to Colton. Garrett sad.

Leo ManBun’s One-On-One

Yo, I love Leo. He’s the most down-to-earth one here. Let it be known. Next Bachelor, right there. Leo snags the next one-on-one, probably because Becca wants to talk about his hair care routine. As they fly in a helicopter overlooking plantations and other monuments to slavery, Becca starts feeling sad about how the guys aren’t getting along. She immediately starts in and gushes about this shit to Leo, and, like, this isn’t fair to Leo, Becks.

The shitty date continues in a muddy bog where Becks and Leo dig for oysters. Sidenote: This isn’t SHUCKING OYSTERS. Shucking is when you put a knife in the oyster, try not to stab yourself, and pry it open. The more you know.

Cut to the evening portion of the date, and OH BOY THE SEQUINS ARE BACK! Gosh I missed them. This dress is really great, what with the black netting down the middle. Are they going to Club 54?

Leo tells a sad daddy and baseball story and, while not quite as sad as Jason’s Alzheimer’s story, it still earns him a rose. Is past family trauma a requisite for being on this show? I wonder if that’s a question you have to fill out in their giant questionnaire. Anyway. Leo and Becca head to a concert given by someone I’ve never heard of, and they have to pretend to be excited to see this guy who probably was performing open mic nights at the local bar like, two weeks prior to filming.

After Becca’s endearing mom dancing, we cut to Chris writing what I assume is a suicide note, or at the least a very sad handwritten book. More and more throughout this episode, Chris decides to lean into his Crazy Eddie persona. It is terrifying. Chris seems like the type of guy that would get mad at you because a guy friend liked one of your Instagrams. He needs to go.

Chris shows up at Becca’s hotel, and you can tell she’s laughing to cover up the fact that she is likely pants-shittingly afraid.

Becca opening the door to Chris was eerily reminiscent of this other time she opened the door to a surprise visit from someone she can’t stand #TheBachelerotte pic.twitter.com/zuhCAJIDHF

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 3, 2018


BECKS: Oh hi, uh hi! Teehee!
CHRIS: Whatssup
BECKS: What are you doing here, teeheeteehee!
CHRIS: whattssssuppp whats up
BECKS: Come on in, teehee
CHRIS: Whatssssupppppp

After a really spectacular convo, Becca tells Chris they’re not going to find love in this hopeless franchise. Well, Chris, your plan backfired spectacularly. It’s almost like asking for constant reassurance that your fake girlfriend likes you is not an attractive look?? Hm. Color me shocked. THEN, after all that, he tries to insist he doesn’t need Becca to walk him out, which is basically the equivalent of every guy who slides into your DMs and, after telling him you have a boyfriend, is all “fuck you bitch, you’re ugly and I never liked you anyway.” BOY, BYE.

The Rose Ceremony

Once again, Becca cancels the cocktail party because she got drunk alone in her room and picked out another sequin dress. Unsurprisingly, Lincoln gets the boot and so does Connor, who, again, I literally didn’t remember existed until this episode. (But I would still like a moment of silence for him and his glasses, which were the best part of this episode.) Anyone else think it was weird that Connor got an exit interview and Lincoln didn’t? What did Lincoln say? Did it get cut? Release the tapes!

Bye.

IMAGES: ABC (4); Giphy (3); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (2)

The Worst Looks From ‘The Bachelor’ So Far Because Barely Anyone Has Their Shit Together

We’re only two episodes deep in Nick Viall’s season of what some people like to call The Bachelor but what I like to call Nick Viall’s Tinder, but sadder and with more STIs and already Liz is whack AF. Especially whatever’s going on with the stories these women are trying to tell via their hair, makeup, clothes, accessories, and poor use of words.

But I’m not here to discuss who could and could not pass the GED. Or even what happened on night one—otherwise known as the red dress fiasco of 2017—because besides the dolphin/shark/Tilikum (RIP) costume there wasn’t really anything to note. Sure, Vanessa’s dress was heinous. Christen looked like a contestant on Toddlers & Tiaras, but that’s all par for the course. When the women are let loose to do their hair and makeup in a pinch and put together whatever they deem an “appropriate” outfit, that’s when shit gets really interesting. Enter: episode two.

In no particular order, here are the worst fashion and beauty looks from this week’s episode of The Bachelor (and their respective perpetrators).

1. Christen aka the poor man’s Kaitlyn Bristowe.

I would like to go out on a limb and assume that this was her just after she woke up, but it’s not. This appears to have been in the middle of the day. Christen is either a neglected sheep dog or an alcoholic, but probably both.

TF is this?

Seriously TF is that?

ME, thinking about Christen’s leopard headband a day later:

UGH

2. Franco aka the most underrated Franco brother

Omg, Dave! I love your onesie! Is it from American Apparel?

K.

3. Liz aka Amy Dunne

^^^Liz’s spiritual advisor.

I call this look “psycho casual.”

I call this look “psycho medium casual.”

I call this look “psycho glam.”

I call this look “psycho white supremacist” or in layman’s terms, “Donald Trump.”

And this one is Liz after she murdered Nick and had to take a shower to rinse off all the blood. It has no name, but it is easy to replicate. All you have to do is wet your hair, disregard any modicum of dignity you have left in this cruel world, and be born dead inside.

4. Princess Taylor aka the pinnacle of mental health

As if you didn’t already have a hard time taking this one seriously, put the adult mental health counselor in a tutu and a crown.

5. Corrine aka the white/sluttier/not talented at all Janet Jackson

TBH though this is my favorite look thus far.

She’s giving me mad Shakira vibes here. But less hot. And with less of a grasp on the English language.

6. Josephine aka the nurse with ADHD who I would most certainly not trust with needles or sharp objects in general

Taking a page from Amanda Stanton’s handbook of “off-the-shoulder shirts from Nasty Gal that shouldn’t count as shirts.” Next up on the to-do list: being verbally assaulted by dating Jesus freak fuckboy Josh Murray. Good luck, Josie!

Also, these crispy ring curls are sending me into a bout of depression.

7. I already forgot her name aka Jaws

And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them and…it was so sad.

Nick to Jaws: And did you know she cheats on Aaron?

Get a grip, Jaws! No one wears hoop earrings anymore. It’s civil rights. This is the ’90s. Also, happy boob birthday, you sweet little freak.