We’ve come so far since the days of Lizzie McGuire, so it’s pretty crazy that Hilary Duff is still only 31 years old. These days, Hilary seems like she’s doing great, and last week she gave birth to her second child! She previously had a son, Luca, in 2012, with her then-husband Mike Comrie. They divorced in 2016, and now Hilary is with musician Matthew Koma. He’s very cute and a little bit edgy, and they seem super happy together. Overall, things seem great in the life of Hilary Duff. Unfortunately, we need to talk about her baby name choice.
Banks Violet Bair.
Banks? Banks?? Is this a name? Honestly, my first thought was Banksy, the famously mysterious graffiti artist. Cool guy, but not what I want to think about when I look at an adorable photo of Hilary Duff and her brand new bundle of joy. There’s also the singer Banks, who is cool—she’s kind of like an edgier Lana Del Rey, I guess—but still, not really the name I would choose for my child. (Also, Bair is Matthew Koma’s real last name, so that’s not like, a weird third middle name, don’t worry.) But if you ask me, Violet Blair would have been a great name on its own—it sounds like the name of the slightly bitchy popular girl on a CW teen drama who really has feelings deep down—so why prefix it with the plural form of a financial institution?
Anyway, here’s *sighs* Banks.
Okay, this photo is glorious. Hilary looks radiant and so happy, and that really is a cute baby. A+ for this photographer, because I want to frame this and it’s not even my kid. In the spirit of nice things, I will also say that I really like Violet as a middle name. Violet is getting more and more popular, making a top 50 appearance the last few years after being below 200 just a decade ago. It’s a pretty name, but I always just think of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s daughter, so maybe that’s why Hilary didn’t choose Violet as the first name. Still, I feel like they could have chosen literally anything but a name that sounds like what you’d give to a preppy white guy from Connecticut who’s always threatening to call his lawyers.
In any case, Banks is adorable, Hilary looks happy, and it’s not my life so good for them. Now who knows how I can hire this photographer to take all of my Instagrams?
Images: Shutterstock; @hilaryduff / Instagram
Naming another human being is a huge responsibility. From the second you sign that newborn’s name on its birth certificate, you are deciding their fate. So don’t f*ck it up. Have you ever met an attractive guy on Hinge named Clarence? Or a popular girl in high school named Dorian? I rest my case. Frankly, most names on Baby Center’s “Most Popular Baby Names of 2018” article (from which I based this article) are fairly normal, if overdone: Emma, Olivia, Liam, and Noah all made the cut. But I’ve compiled a list of the weirdest and worst baby names that somehow made it onto the list and left us all wondering, “who the f*ck let them name their kid that?”
Yeah, celebs are notorious for naming their kids obscure things, but even without a few million dollars to your name and a sex tape being verified on Instagram, you can still commit some heinous crimes against your child by giving them a name that will cause them to be mocked for their entire adolescence. Cut your future kid, and society as a whole, some slack and don’t name them any of these terrible baby names on this list.
Nora
I’m sorry, but if you didn’t just give birth to an 80-year-old woman who plays bridge and drinks lemon and hot water, you should not name your child this. WTF did that child do to deserve this name?
Aurora
Sleeping Beauty, is that you? To be honest, the only problem I have with this name is that it’s also the name of a Disney princess from 1959. If you want your daughter to get pricked by a spindle and lay lifeless until a man comes and rescues her, maybe you should invest in a copy of Chimamanda Adichie’s We Should All Be Feminist and reconsider starting a family just yet.
Nova
Nova means “A star that suddenly becomes thousands of times brighter then gradually fades to its original intensity.” So if you are saying your child peaked when they were born and will just go downhill from there, then go right ahead. It also refers to a type of smoked salmon, which is infinitely worse. But I suggest, instead of setting your kid up for failure, invest in some birth control and study this list of the worst baby names before having a child.
Niamey
Is this because your child was conceived in the capital of Niger? If you didn’t even know where Niamey is (like me, thanks Google), then scratch this name off your list pronto. This isn’t the same as naming your kid Paris after you and your bae got piss drunk on your last vacay and forgot a condom. But like, don’t do that either because that is also very cringeworthy.
Mason
Let’s be real, Mason is definitely not the worst name on this list. But I can’t help but think that the people naming their children Mason are either Kardashian superfans or hippies living out of their vans. You might as well just name your kid after your favorite vegetable while you’re at it (@gwenythpaltrow)—Mason Kale has a nice ring to it.
Sebastian
Sebastian the Crab. Some say he is the hero of The Little Mermaid, I say he’s annoying, but potayto, potahto. Like Nora, Sebastian is one of those names that I have trouble picturing as a baby but have no problem imagining in an old age home playing cards. Then again, babies and an old men are basically the same thing, since they both wear diapers and need lots of attention. So congrats on the birth of your octogenarian!
Jaxon
Why? Just why. This is why non-white people make fun of us. No list of the worst baby names of 2018 would be complete without a weird af spelling for what is otherwise a very typical name. You know what’s worse than naming your child an absurd name? Naming your child a normal name but spelling it like an asshole. Is the X really necessary? I hope you are happy with people spelling your child’s name wrong for the rest of their life, all thanks to you. Good luck sleeping at night.
Mateo
Mateo is the Spanish spelling of Matthew. So if you are Latino, then like, I can’t really be mad about the spelling of this one. But if you’re not a native Spanish speaker (I will also accept Italian), then, like the name Jaxon, your kid is going to deal with misspelled Starbucks cups his entire life. Just saying.
Images: Dakota Corbin / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Being a dedicated follower of the Kardashian/Jenner family is serious business, so let’s get to work. After the last six months of playing Nancy Drew to try and figure out if Kylie was actually pregnant, the bundle of joy is finally fucking here. Now it’s time to figure out what Kylie named her baby. There’s no rest for the wicked, so chug an espresso and perk the fuck up. Join us as we go on a scavenger hunt across the internet for the secret name of the world’s first Lip Kit heiress.
Let’s start with what we know for sure. Kylie most likely did not name her daughter North, Penelope, Chicago, or Dream. Those are kind of taken. Now we can move on into more speculative territory. Hold on, because this is where things get murky.
The most popular current theory is that Kylie decided to go with Butterfly, or something related to butterflies. Ugh. There’s actually a fair amount of evidence here, so let’s unpack. Last summer, Kylie and Travis Scott got matching butterfly tattoos, and through the scientific method of counting the months backward, we can deduce that they most likely got the tattoos after finding out she was pregnant. Kylie’s also been seen wearing multiple pieces of butterfly jewelry on Snapchat in recent months, and her pregnancy video/Black Mirror episode also showed a nursery covered in butterfly decorations.
Other butterfly-related options are Monarch, Mariposa (the spanish word for butterfly), or Vanessa (which is another kind of butterfly). We don’t mind the first two, but please God don’t let this fucking baby be named Vanessa. She’s a Jenner, not an employee at Claire’s.
My personal theory is that Kylie named her daughter after one of her lip kit colors. It’s just the sort of thing that would get people talking and generate buzz, and some of the names are actually pretty normal. I don’t know exactly which one is the name, but there are a few choices that seem most likely.
Mary Jo is a classic red shade, and it’s one that Kylie loves rocking. This shade is named after Kris’ mom, aka MJ, who is the baby’s great grandmother. This would be a nice classic nod to both family and lipstick, and it gets bonus points for being a real name!
We honestly believe that Kylie would name her child Velvet. This shade, from her most recent holiday collection, is called Red Velvet, and she also has a whole line of velvet liquid lipsticks. Clearly Kylie loves velvet, and it’s not the weirdest name we’ve ever heard. I mean, Kim literally just named her daughter Chicago.
Our last guess is a throwback to one of the original three lip kit shades, Candy K. What if it was meant to be a name all along? Kylie used to say that this was her favorite lip kit of all, and everyone loves a classic. Candy is technically a name, just ask Aaron Carter. Kylie also got a flower arrangement delivered to her in the shape of the letter “C”, so this theory is shaping up more and more.
So realistically, we don’t have a fucking clue what Kylie is going to do, but all of these ideas are honestly not that hard to believe. Stay tuned, because you better believe we’ll have some thoughts the second she announces the actual name.
Yesterday we mentioned that Khloé Kardashian may be expecting a boy. At the time, the only person reporting this was USWeekly which, much like your friend during a blackout, is not always the most reliable source. Now, this same news is being reported by People, aka the friend-who-can-inexplicably-hold-their-liquor-in-all-circumstances of celebrity gossip mags, and it is much more credible. So I guess it’s a boy for Khloé Kardashian and Tristan Thompson. Now we must move onto the most important q: What are they going to name him? Being that they are celebrities, I’m assuming normal names like “Stephen” or “Jeff” are totally off the table, though I do love the idea of a Jeff Kardashian. He’d probably grow up to be an accountant, move to the midwest, and start going by Jeffrey Kardash or something.
Is Jeff my new favorite Kardashian? Perhaps. Anyway, here are some other routes Khloé can take for naming her child if the whole Jeff thing doesn’t pan out:
Alliteration
EX: Kristopher Kardashian, Krumble Kardashian, Kremlin Kardashian, Twitter Thompson, Thimble Tompson, Thompson Thompson
You’d think an alliterative name would be a no-brainer for a Kardashian, but this is actually a little tricky given Khloé’s current sitch. Given that both father and mother’s names are alliterative, how will they choose between TT and KK? The two are not married, so the baby’s last name is kind of up for grabs. Also like, babies can just have their mom’s last names now. That’s just like, the rules of feminism. Of course, they could split the diff and have his initials be KT or TK, but giving up a branding opportunity is not usually in the Kardashians’ wheelhouse. Also, most of the Kardashians have opted to not go the KK route, so I guess it all depends on how much Khloé wants to suck up to Kris keep the family tradition alive.
World Play/Rhyming
EX: Sebastian Kardashian, Fabian Kardashian, Tom Thompson, Thomp S. Thompson (the S stands for “Son”)
Not really sure how this one would work with the last name options “Kardashian” and “Thompson,” but they could always go the North West route and name their baby something “fun.” I personally think it’s kind of fucked up to treat your child’s birth certificate like a mad lib, but whatever. The baby is going to be rich af so I don’t think having a crazy-ass name will hurt him.
Something Vintage
EX: Ichabod Kardashian, Phinneas Kardashian, Rupert Thompson, Eugene Thompson
Naming your baby after a character from a book you didn’t read in high school is like, all the rage amongst celebrities and hipsters these days. I mean, babies are basically tiny old people anyway, so why not name them something that suggests they’re 95 and not 5 months old? Most Kardashians have opted not to go this route, though you could argue that Penelope was kind of over as a name until Kourtney and Scott brought it back. Maybe Khloé could go back in her ancestry and find an old name that would suit her son. “Orenthal James” could work. “OJ” for short!
Just A Random-Ass Word
EX: Water Bottle Kardashian, Café Kardashian, Xanax Kardashian, Tomato Kardashian, Rock Thompson, Laptop Thompson
If I was a betting woman (I’m not because I have no money), I’d bet that Khloé will go this route, mainly because it’s what all her sisters, her brother, and literally every celebrity have done for the past 10 years. The formula is simple. You pick a random word that is not a name, and then you write that word on your child’s birth certificate. Voilà! It is now a name! For more examples of this, see: Dream Kardashian, Saint West, Reign Disick, Apple Martin, Blue Ivy Carter, etc…etc…etc…
Unless you’re a homeschooled jungle freak with no access to the Internet, you know that last week Beyonce announced the names of our new saviors her newborn twins as Sir & Rumi Carter respectively. Tbh I’m not that impressed. I know she’s a queen and a visionary and blah, blah, blah, but I just expected more from the woman who made an entire fucking album roasting THE HUSBAND SHE’S STILL MARRIED TO. I, mean, Rumi? What’s next, Yahtzee? Trouble? Wait, I’m actually on board with that last one. Trouble Carter. Iconic. Are there any take-backs with birth certificates? Because if so, Bey, have your people call my people 3-4 loyal readers and we can work on trademarking that shit. That said, I do love a good celebrity baby name. And what better way to celebrate the birth of the Beybies than by ranking other celebrity babies based on the names their parents gave them when they were 100 percent hopped up on Xanax? I’ll leave Sir and Rumi off the list… for now. Because I have to draw a line somewhere so I guess I’ll draw it at skewering newborns barely out of the womb. But get ready kids, because one day soon when it’s socially acceptable to make fun of infants, I’ll be coming for ya. As for the rest of you, good fucking luck. Now onto the betchiest baby names in Hollywood:
10. Dusty Rose (Behati Prinsloo & Adam Levine)
I shouldn’t have expected much from the child of a Victoria’s Secret model and a former-boy-band-star-turned-desperate-reality-TV-vocal-coach, but I one hundred percent did not expect that they’d name their firstborn child after Behati’s right nipple (I assume). And this is why I have trust issues right here. Behati, let’s blame this one on the language barrier, shall we? Perhaps you didn’t realize that “dusty” and “rose” are two descriptors usually used to describe shitty bridesmaid dresses or, as I demonstrated earlier, a woman’s nipple. Adam, you get no such fucking excuses. I have a feeling childhood won’t be fun for this one, you know, aside from the model good looks and millions of dollars she’ll inherit. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter. Last place for you, Areola Dusty Rose.
9. Boomer Phelps (Michael Phelps & Nicole Johnson)
I don’t know what’s worse, naming your child after the shade of your wife’s right nipple or naming your child after the family dog that died when you were 12. When I first heard that the son of the world’s greatest athlete was named Boomer I thought it was a literal joke. Like that one time someone started a rumor that Michael’s girlfriend had a penis. Btw that was v creative, Ryan Lochte, v creative. But apparently, the name Boomer is not a joke but rather a well-thought out decision made by two adults one adult and someone who’s clearly been poisoned by chlorine.
^ How I imagine Boomer’s going to feel when he gets to middle school and realizes that daddy did indeed name him after a household pet.
8. Kal-El Cage (Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim)
Wait. I know what’s worse now, naming your child after fucking Superman. Seriously, Nicolas Cage? Seriously? I saw every shitty spinoff of National Treasure and this is how you repay me? BYE. I’m giving little Kal-El here eighth place because I have a feeling he’s going to have a hard enough time in life dealing with all the Internet trolls (hi) and Nicolas Cage memes out there, so I’ll give him a pass here. That said:
7. Dream Kardashian (Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian)
Rumor has it that Rob Kardashian came up with the idea for Dream’s name based off of—get this—a dream he’s always had of having a child. God damn, we have a visionary on our hands here people. Real talk though, how pissed do we think Kris is that she has to not only spin revenge porn but also the name “Dream” into some sort of dynamic branding plan?
6. North West (Kim Kardashian & Kanye West)
We get it, it’s a direction and a play on the last name West. You’re so fucking creative, Kim. But little Northie is barely mid-list for me. I can’t give my exact reasoning for the placement of North West’s name on this highly esteemed list, but I have a feeling it’s the same reasoning that went into my decision not to follow Kim on Instagram (even though I check her feed 5-7 times a day)—I just don’t want to give her the satisfaction, ya know?
5. Saylor James Cutler (Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari)
SaYlor Cutler (not Sailor because Kristin is still extra AF) is the daughter of Jay Cutler, a football player (?), and Kristin Cavallari, aka the star Laguna Beach and reason I rocked a short, chunky haircut from the age 18 through 20. It’s also the reason every photo from those years has been untagged on Facebook. Once again, Kristin must insist on taking normal words and names and butchering their pronunciation. Is this why we never saw her at actual school on Laguna Beach? I’m worried that perhaps she never went and now her daughter is paying the price. MTV, can we please confirm? Whatever. Saylor is one of the better, more creative names I’ve heard this year so I guess congrats, Kristin, like my haircut, I’ll keep this name on my Pinterest board for the next 2-5 years.
4. Wyatt Kutcher (Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher)
As someone whose mother also wanted to punish her by giving her a boy’s name to walk around life with, I’d just like to say to little Wyatt: good fucking luck with it. And spoiler: my real name is not actually It’s Britney, Betch—shocking, I know. My actual, legal given name is loads of fun because it’s a traditional boy’s name and it’s spelled weird and watching my Bumble dates try and process that information is more of a train wreck than watching them process the words “what are we?” Thanks for that, mom! But back to Wyatt, she’s number four on my list because I feel a sense of camaraderie with the kid. Like, we’re both in this together, except she’s a toddler that hit the genetic jackpot of good looks, personality, and money, and I’m just a girl with an Internet pseudonym and savage jokes. You know, similar but different.
3. Liam James Tell (Lauren Conrad & William Tell)
A normal name, imagine fucking that. Once again, LC wins at life by giving her child a classic fuckboy name and we’re into it. This kid is going to be a player, I can already see it. Picture the year 2034, the location is Cabo, and little Liam James is calling Saylor a slut for dancing on the bar. MTV, if you’re reading this, I can’t wait for Laguna Beach: The Next Generation.
2. Penelope Disick (Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick)
Leave it to Kourtney to come up with a name I’d be obsessed with. I was skeptical when she named Mason (it sounded too similar to a fuckboy I dated in college, in the sense that it is same name as the fuckboy I dated in college) and I can’t even with the name Reign. Clearly, Scott was blackout when he got to name that one. But I’m obsessed with Penelope. It’s unique but still adorably normal. It’s nice that she has a good, strong name to get her through life because reading about how daddy fucked a washed up Disney star Bella Thorne while she was home with Khloe is going to be a tough pill to swallow in middle school. Good luck, girl!
1. Jack Pratt (Anna Faris & Chris Pratt)
I know what you’re thinking, “Jack? But it’s so basic, so common, and it’s not even, like, spelled with an X.” And thank fucking god for that. I’m so over celebrities and their batshit baby names. Just think about it: there’s going to be an entire generation of children named Apple and Bear. APPLE AND BEAR. Seriously, during my research for this article the 3-5 hours I spend a night googling useless information, I discovered that in the past few years there have been FOUR celebrity children named Bear. And in my opinion, that’s four too many. I, mean, what’s next? Offred? Ofglen? Wait, nvm, I don’t like playing this game anymore.
Yep, I stand by my decision with Jack. Plus, any offspring of Andy Dwyer’s is someone I’ll stalk on social media a winner in my book. And if you don’t believe me, go check out Chris Pratt’s Instagram account–but only if you want your ovaries to melt from the cuteness.
Chris Pratt: *casually mentions son on social media*
Me:
READ: The Definitive Ranking Of La Croix Flavors
