Hello all. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, where you saw all your extended family, and in Alexis’ case, slept with a few. Blood is thicker than condoms, as they say in her trailer park.

Anyway, MTV, like the true terrorist group they are, ran a fucking episode of this D-list trash the night before Thanksgiving, right in the middle of my prime hometown drinking time.

ME, SEEING A NEW EPISODE ON MY DVR THE FRIDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING:

So yeah, I’ll be trying to include parts from last week’s episode in this recap as well, so this show doesn’t feel more nonsensical than it already is. LOL, like that’s hard.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

If you thought you would miss a week of this show and they would actually improve during that week, have I got news for you!

They get three beams, on week nine. Terrence J is like, “That’s the lowest anyone has ever gotten on this show,” and it’s like, okay, that depends on your definition of “low.” Like, between possibly losing the money and going home with an STD, this whole show is rock bottom.

Don’t worry though, guys—Keith, the guy who wears spandex American Flag shorts and looks like every man I have ever avoided at the bar, has got this!

Apparently, he studied math and statistics at Virginia Tech, which actually sounds like something every guy you avoid at the bar would say. I trust Keith about as much as the American public trusts our president.

According to Keith, Michael and Keyana are a match. Everyone is like, fuuuuuuuck really? While Keyana is like fuuuuuuuuck you all; I told you. I’m rooting for them to be a match, but I’m also 79% sure Michael will eventually bat for the other team. You can trust me, I studied statistics at Virginia Tech.

Shad is openly skeptical about this whole “blindly trusting Keith” thing, and I can’t blame him. But then again, who could you trust? A dude named Shad? We’re honestly between a rock and a dude with an IQ of a rock here.

Michael is so happy he can openly flirt with Geles now that he and Audrey are a no-match. They’ve been talking about their sexual chemistry for eight episodes now, and it’s like, we get it, you wanna bone.

PERSON IN THE HOUSE: Wow, the weather is really nice today.

MICHAEL AND GELES: Honestly, we have so much sexual chemistry we need to release.

They release the sexual chemistry on the bed that Zoe is literally sleeping in, in the communal area, in front of Audrey. 3/3 for being the worst kind of people. Like, you heathens couldn’t even go to the Boom Boom Room? I know Geles is made up of 80% eyelashes and extensions, but somewhere in that body there has to be a brain to tell her that this is fucking gross.

Audrey is crying to Shad, and he’s like, “You’re the whole package, and you can have my whole package too.”

Shad goes into this whole talk about how women are like weather, and he’s like an oak tree that can withstand the weather, hence why he is perfect for Audrey. Okay, I’ll have what Shad’s having.

SHAD: *hits blunt* I’m like, a tree, ya know?

DD and Kareem are bonding over the fact that they both are from the same state, and they both “hate being screwed over.” Wow, what a shocking coincidence. It’s so amazing when you have an unbreakable bond with someone who shares the same generic and obvious traits as you. Love is beautiful.

Meanwhile, at a Donald Trump rally near you, Keith and Alexis are still dating. Honestly, Alexis must have a platinum vagina, because the fact that Keith still is with her after she told him to die in a car crash and then hysterically introduced him to her stuffed bunny rabbit friend is inspiring. I once told a dude I didn’t like avocado, and he asked for the check.

Oh, to be young and redneck.

THE CHALLENGE

For the challenge they need to have one of three couples go in, Dimetri/DD, Clinton/Geles, or Nicole/Tyler, so they can finally get a fucking perfect match.

The guys will get asked a question about the girls, and if they are wrong (or don’t answer first), then they need to move a pole from a tower that has balls in it. If the ball falls, that person is out. That felt really technical…. Let’s throw in a “fuck” in here to keep it up to brand.

Anyway, Keith, Tyler, and Anthony—the guy with the lisp that haunts me in my dreams—win.

Keith takes DD because she hasn’t been on a date yet, which is kind of nice. Anthony takes Zoe to low-key piss off Geles, which I approve of. And Tyler picks Nicole, obvi.

They are going to a haunted mansion, which sounds like the worst date ever. If my date tried to take me there, I would just scream, “I don’t like avocado,” and hope he takes my ass home. 

TBH, no house could possibly be scarier than Anthony’s ripped jeans. They really need to win this money so this poor boy can afford actual clothes. Poor Tyler, he knows that if shit goes down, that he’s going to be the first to go.

Duh, because he’s the largest and easiest to grab! Get your head out of the MAGA gutter!

Anthony says to Zoe, “You were the girl I wanted to date since day one,” which is some babyback bullshit if I’ve ever heard it.

ANTHONY: I liked you from the moment I saw you.

ME:

Zoe refuses to have sex with get close to Anthony because she is friends with Geles, which is—wait for it—fucking stupid, since Geles and Anthony haven’t been a match since the beginning of time. I mean, if Zoe was like, “I can’t get to know him because of his speech impediment,” I’d be like, fair enough.

Nicole tells Tyler that she likes to date shitty guys and then fix them, and Tyler’s like, “Oh, so you’re the worst kind of girl ever, then. Got it.” He tells her that she has the system all wrong because he studied math and statistics at Virginia Tech it never works.

They start making out and downing wine, which is always a great start to a relationship. Even though Nicole still looks like she is in physical pain being with Tyler, I am still rooting for them.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Obviously, everyone sends Tyler and Nicole to the truth booth. And thank you sweet baby Jesus, they are a perfect match.

The house is super excited, and they start singing a made up song about AYTO. Worst remake of High School Musical EVER.

ME, WATCHING THIS:

Geles and Clinton are talking—and by talking, I mean, Geles is shoving her tits in Clinton’s face—while Clinton is asking Jesus for forgiveness for thinking impure thoughts. Uche walks by, super pissed off, and Geles is like, “She kind of scares me.” Really? Uche’s personality is on par with paint drying on a wall, so the only way she could hurt you is like, by boring you to death.

Geles is low-key begging Clinton to make out with her, and this is what I imagine is going through Clinton’s dumb but pretty head:

Eventually, Clinton goes back to Uche. He’s been really tired lately, and he figures a 10 minute conversation with her will put him straight to sleep.

MY MOM: Say what you will about Geles, but at least she’s getting to know all the guys in the house.

Yes, I’m sure Geles is very popular.

OTHER SHIT

The house decides to practice out the strategy with Keith acting as Trump and Alexis acting as Sarah Sanders. Shad takes the role of the FBI and decides to question wtf is going on here.

Keith asks Shad if he thinks he and Audrey are a match, and Shad’s like, “Well yeah, because when you see yourself in five years…” and Keith is like, “WRONG! That’s not an answer. Crooked Shad! Always Lying! I’m the best at answers, believe me.”

Shad keeps trying to explain himself, and literally, no one lets him fucking speak. Alexis is like, “Don’t listen to Shad, he’s dumb. Keith is smart.” Alexis, you literally have a third grade education. A fucking high school junior is like Einstein to you.

They are basing this whole strategy on either Joe and Zoe being a match or Shad and Audrey being a match. Though Shad swears to god they are, he’s sadly disregarded (much like our FBI), and they go with the dumber solution instead.

I want justice for Shad. #TheResistance

THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY

Keith is hoping this match-up gives them more information, so ya know, he can Virginia Tech this thing up. For a guy so good at math, he should know the odds of Alexis killing him one day are like, really high.

Anthony goes first and picks Uche. Well, there’s a couple I would never associate with ever.

Joe picks Zoe, because strategy.

Dimitri picks Audrey. After last week and his bullshit with Jada (he basically was the biggest dick to her because he didn’t want to be her match), Dimitri, or Demitri or whatever the fuck his name is, can eat a bag of dicks. JADA DOES NOT DESERVE YOU PEOPLE.

Shad picks Alivia, who is offering her first born child for this to not be real.

Clinton picks Geles obvi.

Uche gives Geles the go-ahead “to do whatever she wants with Clinton,” and Geles is like, “See all the roadblocks stopping me from getting to know Clinton!!!!!!! So many obstacles!!!!!”

Malcolm picks Alexis. LOL, like Alexis would ever bring Malcolm home to mom and dad.

Keith is up next. Everyone is, like, very concerned about this strategy, especially Shad. Shad tries to speak again, and Keith tells him to shut the fuck up. Normally, I would be rooting for a fight here, but Keith would wipe the floor with Shad’s Abercrombie ass.

It’s so hard having to watch two dudes you love, but also equally hate, fight. :/

Keith picks Jada.

Ethan picks Nurys. Yeah, that’s another fight I wouldn’t bet on. How in the world is Ethan going to handle Nurys’ dick?

Kareem picks DD because they have so much in common. I mean, did you see how she has teeth AND he has teeth?! Unreal!

Michael picks Keyana, who is ready to be petty AF when it turns out she is right. YAS GURL.

So, they end up getting five out of 11, which is like, not good. But what do I know? I didn’t study statistics and math at Virginia Tech.

Last week’s episode was more lit than a Menorah on day eight, ya heard. Between Geles and Taylor getting in a fight that killed my own brain cells and Kareem throwing inanimate objects at the girl he supposedly loves, the whole episode was the best holiday gift that anyone could have given me. Thanks MTV!

So anyways, we found out that Keith and Alivia are not a match, which thrilled the two potential murderers loose cannons of the house, Alexis and Kareem. Let’s pick off where that massive shit storm left off. *pours wine*

Post Truth-Bomb Dumpster Fire

In a not shocking turn of events, Kareem is losing his fucking mind over this Truth Booth being a no-match. While I’m silently dialing 911, DD is loving this psycho shit Kareem is letting lose. Nothing makes her hornier than questioning her own safety.

DD When Malcolm Calls Her A Slut: How dare he? I don’t like guys that disrespect me!!!

DD When Kareem Flips A Table In Her Direction:

After being denied by the Truth Booth, Keith is like, “Maybe I do have feelings for Alexis?” which is code for, “Alexis is literally the only way I’m getting laid at this point.” Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Keith runs after Alexis, as she continues to make oddly specific threats about how she wants to mutilate his body.

Alexis is screaming, “I didn’t kiss anyone when we were together!!!!” and he’s like, “Well, we’re in the house, so we’re not technicallllllly together.” Ah, gotta love those technicalities. Alexis storms off, and the audience collectively takes a breath because Keith may live to see another day.

DD, Jada, and Nurys are all shit talking Malcolm in the most diverse remake of John Tucker Must Die. I’m digging this vibe rn. Anyways, Nurys tells DD that she and Malcolm had sex like, the day before BananaGate.

Finally these two dummies have figured out what was already confirmed to viewers when we saw his ex (yikes): Malcolm ain’t shit.

Meanwhile, Geles is talking to Audrey about how she is “so in love with Anthony” and how she would “give up a million dollars for him.” It’s honestly so good of MTV to let people who are borderline braindead on this show.

Geles has finally realized that Anthony wants nothing to do with her or her eyelashes, and now she sets her sights on someone equally as mediocre—Johnny Bravo. She decides to tell Audrey—ya know, his in-house girlfriend—about this romantic connection she and JB have.

Audrey plays it off like all is well and that she doesn’t want to hang Geles by her extensions. She’s like, “I love that you’re being real with me,” and there is literally no part of Geles that is real, so you can cut the bullshit.

DD and Nurys corner Malcolm in a weird deleted scene from The Other Woman. They are all talking and getting in each others’ faces, and you know somewhere in the distance, Keith is yelling, “Threesome!”

DD calls Malcolm out for having sex with Nurys, and Malcolm’s like, “I had sex with Nurys? I must have forgotten! See here’s the thing, I fall a lot, and my dick was out, so like….it could have happened.” Geles and Malcolm should be a couple, so they can have the combined IQ of a grapefruit.

DD calls Malcolm out for being a fucking liar, and Malcolm is like, “ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO DOUBLE TEAM ME RIGHT NOW?!” and Keith is like, “YESSSS.”

Malcolm is getting super pissed that he’s getting called out for things he actually did and starts calling the girls bitches. Malcolm, wanna intern for the Roy Moore campaign? I feel like it’s a good fit for you.

Other Stuff

The girls decide to interview team likable—who I have begrudgingly added Shad to, ugh—and they’re like, “We need to stop being so superficial.” YA FUCKIN’ THINK?! And okay, superficial? I would climb Tyler like a fucking tree.

Joe starts talking about being in a cult and it’s like, damn, are the Scientologists gonna be okay with this? When did my remote switch to the Leah Remini show?

Uche is into him now because they both grew up as weird Jesus freaks. Nothing brings two people together faster than the understanding that organized religion is a sham 99% of the time. Mazel tov!

They start talking and realize they kind of actually have a connection (weird). Uche is like, “Yeah, Clinton and I spend every night together, but it’s the DAYS that are important.” Oh, is that how dating works? Mmm okay, I’ll just go ahead and let my boyfriend know that.

Kareem and Nurys are talking about how they are both angry AF and have no control over their behavior even though Kareem looks old enough to be my father.

Kareem says he’s going to pursue a different match after Alivia wasn’t receptive to his abuse love. Thankfully for him, there are plenty of other girls with low self-esteem and anger issues in the house for him to choose from. Ya know what they say about plenty of fish…

Geles and Johnny Bravo are having the world’s lamest conversation, only barely beating any conversation Uche and Clinton have.

JB admits that he’s into Geles but won’t sleep with her because “he’s with Audrey.” How noble of him. Don’t call him a hero.

They acknowledge that they have a physical connection, and of course, JB runs and tells Audrey about this discovery. She gets upset and JB’s like, “What did I do?” If only the steroids he clearly abuses worked on his brain.

Audrey is like, “I’m pretty mad,” but the thing is that totally rhymes with “I should date Shad.” What? Who said that?

JB goes into recovery mode and immediately tells Audrey everything she’s ever wanted to hear ever.

Audrey: Am I prettier than her?

JB: Yes

A: Am I funnier than her?

JB: Yes

A: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?

JB: 3 Months

A: And your boyfriend’s name is?

JB: Chuck.

They make up in the Boom Boom Room, and JB is like, “Girls think I have a small penis, but I swear I don’t.”

The man-child doth protest too much.

Everyone is kind of mingling and getting to know each other, and Shad has to go and ruin everything by opening his fucking mouth. I love to hate Shad, mostly because I think in real life he’d probably be my best friend. Truth hurts.

Shad’s like, “I need a pretty girl next to me at the match ceremony,” and sets his sights on Zoe. Zoe looks like she wants to die round two, because we saw round one when she was with Keith. Shad leans in for the kiss, and Zoe compares kissing Shad to kissing her mailman, which is immediately wrong because we all know Shad doesn’t deliver in the bedroom.

Not going to lie, it really annoys me how bitchy Zoe gets toward Shad after that. Like damn bitch, you’re sitting lakeside, on a reality show, next to a glorified frat boy named SHAD. Did you think you guys were just gonna go outside and chat?

Ugh, I hate that I like Shad; it’s so bad for my reputation.

Match Ceremony

Kareem is up first because he threatened to murder anyone who tried to go before him.

Kareem says that he saw a side of himself he doesn’t like, and its like, is there a single likable side to you?

Kareem picks Nurys, and DD’s like, “Wow. Lol, again Nurys and I are going after the same shitty guy!” There is truly no hope for these girls.

Anthony’s up next and basically says he doesn’t give a fuck about what Geles thinks. Thankfully for him, Geles doesn’t think too often.

Geles starts yelling at Anthony, and Audrey chimes in and is like, “Well, you are kind of shady.” Normally I would tell Audrey to stay in her lane, but if her lane cuts off Geles it’s chill.

Now Geles and Audrey are yelling at each other. All the dudes are like, “Why are you this way,” except Kareem, who has the weirdest boner from all this conflict rn.

After all this bullshit, Anthony picks Keyana. Of course, Keyana still misses Johnny Bravo because she’s a little babyback bitch.

Speaking of bitch, JB is up next! Terrence J is like, “The girls are fighting over you,” and the girls are like, “No we aren’t!” *eye rolls*

JB and his micro-penis admit they are afraid of the girls, which is probably why he’ll come out as gay in a few months. You heard it here first.

JB picks Audrey.

The Shad is up next. He picks Alivia because “she went to a good school and so did I.” See, I’m telling you that we would be friends IRL. Ugh.

Keith picks Jada because they are homies. I love both of them, so I’m HERE FOR IT.

Dimitri picks DD because “she can put him in his place,” which she could, if his place was the hospital.

Joe picks Uche.

Nicole picks Tyler. Finally pulling her head out of her ass and accepting that he’s hot.

Ethan picks Zoe.

Geles picks Clinton.

Malcolm picks Alexis.

Alexis is openly like, “I shouldn’t be so in love with Keith,” and it’s like, yeah, probs not. Alexis is a stage five clinger for sure.

Malcolm says that he deserved being called out by the girls (duh) and apologized for calling DD a dick rider. He said he’s “working on himself” which seemed genuine, but I’m also a bottle of wine in, so who knows.

Damn, I hate when everyone is okay and I have no one to dislike. Oh wait, Geles exists! Okay we’re fine. I feel good about this match-up, honestly, and it turns out they get five beams! Still failing, but not as much as before, which was also my motto in calculus class.

After The Match Up

Ethan is pumped and decides to skinny dip. Ethan, sweetie, I love you, but put your fuckin’ clothes on.

Everyone gets naked except Shad, who sits and watches while comparing getting five beams on AYTO to putting man on the moon. What good school did he go to? University of Phoenix?

Tyler and Nicole are flirting, and she’s like, “I love shitty guys,” and Tyler is like, “Can’t relate.” These two are a beam, I’m putting this into writing now.

Keith walks by Alexis, and she’s like, “I fucking hate him,” and IN THE BEST EDIT IN MTV HISTORY EVER, it immediately goes to her in the confessional crying and shaking about how much she loves Keith. I’m not proud of how hard I laughed at work, while watching this on my phone under my desk during office hours.

Alexis is holding her stuffed animal and drunkenly crying, and Keith is like, “You’re immature,” and she’s like “FUCK YOU, HOW DARE YOU.” She tells Keith she loves him and starts crying and screaming. Keith is like, “Can someone restrain her please?” Alexis swears she isn’t drunk, but if I was her, I would have blamed that shit on the alcohol so fast.

Keith is like, “I shouldn’t love her, but I can’t get away,” which sums up my relationship with Adderall, so I get it.

The Game

The game this week is about trust, and they make everyone go through an obstacle course. The guys are blindfolded and have to carry the girl piggyback across this whole thing.

Geles is like, “I’m walking towards JB, but he is walking towards his girlfriend, which is a bummer.” Geles has lived her whole life blindfolded by her eyelashes, so this challenge should prove extra challenging to her team. She pairs up with Clinton.

Alexis is with Shad and is freaking out at him. She’s like “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING INTO THE WALL, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE BLINDFOLDED!!!!!”

Ethan and his dad bod, which he proudly displayed the night before, are struggling to hold Jada up. Jada’s like two seconds away from putting Ethan on her back and winning this fuckin thing.

Somehow JB and Audrey win, and Alivia and Joe come in second.

Terrence J, being the good chaperone he is, decides to let the kids have a little party and tells them they are doing a Mardi Gras boat party. All the castmates are pumped, but no one is more excited than me—party episodes are ALWAYS a mess.

Me Next Week:

HELLO AND WELCOME to without a doubt the most lit episode in AYTO history with the most fucking braindead bunch of degenerate fuckpoles you’ve ever seen. Seriously, the casting this season is A-1. And by A-1, I mean that half of these castmates will probably end up in jail one day.

As someone who thrives on the drama of others appreciates good reality TV, this episode brought me more joy than I could have hoped, and I actually learned a thing or two in the process. For instance, did you know that behind the creatures that live on Geles’ eyelashes, there is actually a genuinely fucking insane monster-woman?

Also, in exciting news and by request, my betchy Jewish mom has decided to return the world of AYTO and I’ll be featuring some of her commentary. This show is such a great bonding experience for us because I can consistently say “see mom, I at least I’m not throwing bananas at people on National TV” and honestly, I think that’s all a parent really wants to hear from their kid <3

AFTER THE MATCH UP CEREMONY

They got 4 beams and party like crazy, because nothing is more exciting than being drastically behind in life.

Keith celebrates by lifting weights in overalls, and watching him do so is as close as I’ll ever get to the Midwest. He’s talking to Alexis about how the best way to handle not being a perfect match is to have a threesome with whomever their perfect match actually is. Alexis is like “seems like a legit solution” and this kids, is why our country is in shambles. 

They both eventually promise not to hook up with their perfect match. Psh, sure, Jan.

Kareem and Alivia are considering pulling their heads out of their asses and accepting the fact that they are almost certainly a no-match. Alivia is like “Keith is literally what I asked for in this game” and it’s like, soooooooo, wanna tell us what you’re doing with poor man’s mobster over there?

THE CHALLENGE

Keyana apparently got way too lit while celebrating and sprained her foot. Because it’s Keyana and the only athletic thing she’s ever done in her life is run in whatever direction Michael is in, she is in crutches with a full fucking cast. *cough, cough* pussy *cough*

It’s officially the best challenge of the year: The exes are hereeeeee! And hey, there is Taylor from last season? Hun, if you wanted another 15 minutes of fame, shoot for the stars and audition for The Bachelor. 

Apparently she’s Joe’s ex and color me shocked. I honestly never pegged Taylor as Joe’s type (and vice-versa) but I think it’s so cute that they can cut costs and share hair products. Lord knows everyone from season five needs to save as much money as possible.

The game is speed dating like and the castmates have to hang out with their ex while other castmates come and interview them. One time my boyfriend and I saw my ex at a bagel shop and I legit hid behind a trashcan, so honestly I’m cringing forever.

Here’s a couple things about the exes (sorry, you’re not safe from this either):

UCHE’S EX: My mom and I both agree that either she met him at Church or she helped him when he had fallen and couldn’t get up. Seriously, how old is this dude?

SHAD’S EX: If Shad was as good of a boyfriend as she said he was, he should have kindly pointed her to the nearest hair salon.

CLINTON’S EX: Poor girl got the fucking FBI shakedown from Uche, but I don’t trust anyone who calls fooling around “sexual encounters.” Who let the narc on this show?

DD’S EX: Is from her junior year of high school. Damn, the desperation levels are strong with this one.

MICHAEL’S EX: Looks like she probably has the personality of cardboard. So very obviously still into Michael, which makes me think she probably has the brain cells to match her shining personality.

MALCOLM’S EX: “Well… she’s not what I expected.” – Mom. That’s putting it kindly.

MY FACE LOOKING AT MALCOLM’S EX:

ANYWAYS, Geles and Taylor seem to be hitting it off in the way only two fame-hungry, moderately hot girls can: fucking screaming at each other over a dude with a man bun and chipmunk teeth. It’s not a good look for Taylor, but as the professional AYTO drama expert here at Betches (please see my LinkedIn for more), I’m putting my money down that Geles probably came in more crooked than her left eyelash atm.

As they continue to insult each other, I realize this might be the fight I never knew I needed? TBH watching people sink to their low really has got me thriving. Either way, putting on my expert hat again, editing is a fickle bitch and I’m going to explore the ever-loving fuck out of Twitter (or employ the detectives on the AYTO subreddit) to find out EXACTLY what happened.

Oh also, I forgot to mention that Shad apparently lasts for like, three seconds in bed. Just a heads up!

Overall, Keith and Alexis win the challenge. Say what you will about these redneck trash bags, but those fuckers know how to win. Take notes, Democratic Party. Anyways, Keith picks Alivia. Alexis, in a form of petty that is honestly inspiring, picks Kareem.

MOM: Alexis and Kareem need to reroute their date to the nearest asylum. 

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Anthony decides DD might be his match and wants to get to know her better. Cute, stupid Anthony. Anyways, he sets up a drinking/20 questions game on the balcony of the boom boom room.

Malcolm, the perpetual cheater, gets super mad that they even looked in the direction of the boom boom room and is like “WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOM BOOM ROOM!” Of course, in a move that MTV def made happen was exceptionally dramatic, he runs and tells Geles too.

Geles is like “DD is easy and I want to throw her down a flight of stairs.” Well that’s not cause for alarm. Maybe Kareem and Geles should give love a shot. Also, that’s pretty tough talk coming from a girl who is like 85% silicone. DD would beat some ass, so I’m pretty excited about this possibility.

What’s even worse is that this game Anthony and DD are playing is totally innocent. He even asks her if he can kiss her and she says that “she has too much respect for Malcolm to do that.”

Meanwhile, in probable-domestic-violence land, Alivia tells Keith that Kareem is like pushing her away by being the most controlling and shitty human ever. Huh, what a weird concept.

She tells Keith that she’s afraid of Kareem and Keith’s like “I’m not afraid of Kareem.” Okay, so suddenly the whole fanbase (me, the subreddit and six teenage girls in Brazil) want to fuck Keith. This episode has so many twists.

Keith and Alivia start kissing and Alivia immediately does what she ALWAYS does and runs her ass to Kareem to tell him. She’s like “I’m sorry, I wanted to be honest.” Whoever told you honesty is the best policy was seriously disturbed. Of course, Kareem feels so betrayed, which is crazy because I didn’t know psychopaths could feel any emotion.

When DD leaves the date with Anthony, Malcolm immediately calls her a “dick rider.” Which would be okay if you were starring in a superhero porno, but otherwise it’s like, the most insulting shit I have ever heard. DD rightfully flips out because that’s just like, the rules of feminism.

MOM: Well, this explains his ex. — That’s like, way harsh Tai.
REAL PIC OF MY MOM AND I:

THE DATE

They go to a palm reading and tarot cards reading date. Really MTV, y’all take Kareem’s and Alexis’ crazy asses into a witch shop? This is the lamest episode of American Horror Story: Coven ever.

Alexis is like “I’m super into witchcraft” and I’m honestly afraid for Keith rn. She’s got little white bread voodoo dolls in her eyes.

Alivia and Keith have a pretty real chemistry so they start making out again, obviously. Nothing gets Keith’s dick harder than the fact it’s probably going to be chopped off by Alexis within the next few hours.

Kareem and Alexis, meanwhile, are bonding over their shared mental instability. Kareem decides to tell Alexis about Keith and Alivia’s kiss and they rile each other up faster than a Disney Channel movie basketball team hearing an inspiring speech in the locker room at halftime.

They are like “just because we fucked up and did the same thing doesn’t mean that anyone else can!” Republicans have the weirdest logic.

Alexis and Kareem do the mature thing and confront Keith and Alivia on their date. Alexis yells at Keith for not telling her and how they agreed not to hook up with their matches. Keith is stuck in the age-old predicament where he tries to decipher what “hooking up” means.

Alexis thinks it’s a kiss and Keith thinks it’s anal. Tale as old as time.

If you think Alexis is crazy, Kareem is like, hold my beer. He’s hitting shit and yelling at Alivia while Keith stares on, wondering how this dude escaped his padded cell. Of course, Kareem has to fucking throw a table at Alivia and now MTV brings in producers, because maybe, just maybe they have a problem here.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

The only thing I have seen Geles do in this house is shit talk, apply makeup and pine over a very average-looking dude named Anthony. Geles is basically every sorority sister I have ever had.

Geles and Malcolm team up to belittle DD for doing nothing wrong, and DD is not having it. She and Audrey start yelling back at Malcolm/Geles and it’s a mess.

TYLER: I hate this place, but it’s great.


ME AND MY MOM: #tru

TRUTH BOOTH

DD and Anthony explain exactly what happened and Malcolm is like “everyone knows what happens in the boom boom room.” Everyone knows there is money in the banana stand.

Terrence J is like, “you know the boom boom room is like, the only room with a door, right? Maybe they just wanted to get away for a second.” Malcolm acts like someone just explained quantum physics to him.

This show should just be called “twentysomethings considering basic concepts.”

Nurys and DD, bonded over the fact that Malcolm ain’t shit, make up and become friends. There is no stronger friendship than one bonded through mutual hate. That’s like, the only friends I have.

Keith word vomits that he and Alivia kissed again and of course Alexis and Kareem flip the fuck out.

Alexis tells Keith “to go die” and is two seconds away from asking her murderer cousin for a repeat performance. Terrence J is like “damn that’s harsh”, which is a weird way of saying “YOU ARE A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.”

Alivia calls out the hypocrisy of this whole thing and tells the house about Kareem throwing a table and everyone in the house is like “what, Kareem?! No way!”

Shad’s like “hey, if I was a girl I would not want him to be my perfect match.” As a girl I also want sex to last longer than two seconds, but sometimes dreams are meant for when we are sleeping.

Zoe is like “I thought Kareem was my match but he’s getting a little too domestic violence-y for me.” Oh, did you not tell the matchmakers you wanted that?

MY MOM: You know poor Alivia’s mother is somewhere praying on her rosary that Kareem is not her match.

Kareem stands up, starts yelling, and leaves the room. He swears that Keith and Alivia are not a match and now he hates Alivia and is going to start the smallest chapter of the He-Man-Woman-Haters Club in the boom boom room.

Of course, Keith and Alivia go to the Truth Booth. They like, want this to help them win the money, but more importantly they want this so they can tell Kareem to take his perfectly sculpted facial hair and fuck right off.

The episode is about to end, and if it ends on a cliffhanger I will throw my laptop across the room. Kareem is obviously affecting me.

Because there is no such thing as happiness on reality TV, they are a NO MATCH. Gotta say, this bummed me out.

Kareem and Alexis start laughing their asses off, while Alivia and Keith make their walk of shame towards two people who legit want to murder them.

MY MOM: Is this going to turn into a murder mystery show? I actually really like that angle. — Your move, MTV.

Hello people who weirdly read this recap/watch this show—aka my mom, the self-obsessed cast members, the Betches editor, and the people who are members of the cult-like Are You The One? subreddit. It’s a fresh new week of AYTO and it’s really a well-rounded shit storm this week. There is romance, heartbreak, redemption and flying produce—it’s basically on its way to winning an Emmy.

AT THE HOUSE

So last week, they hit a new low, literally, and only got one fucking beam. You can practically see the steam coming from Joe’s ears.

JOE: What is this? A reality show for ants? It needs to be at least, 11 times bigger!

They go back to the house, and Kareem does what he does best and opens his big fat trap to spew some stupid shit. He’s yelling at Team Likeable—Ethan, Tyler and Joe—and Shad, calling them losers.

He’s like, “Hey Tyler, how about you play the ukulele all night, you fuckin’ loser!” Good one, Kareem! Yeah, fuck that guy and his musical pursuits! I imagine Kareem is one of those people who practices his arguments in the shower.

If there are two things I am knowledgeable about in this world, its basic 10th grade science—the mitochondria is the power house of the cell—and historic Are You The One? downfalls. One of those skills is useful, and the other is the powerhouse of the motherfuckin’ cell. WHAT I’M SAYING IS—as an expert, I can weigh in and say that these no match couples are for sure, and always will be, the reason they lose this game. 

Anthony decides to pull his head out of his ass and consider the fact that he and Geles might be fucking up the game by being a no-match couple. He’s like, “I’m just now seeing things for what they are,” and Geles is like, “god it must be nice to see.”

Anthony breaks up with Geles, and she’s like, “But if we’re not a couple now, we’ll never be a couple in the real world!” and okay *puts expert hat on*, it’s more likely that if you’re a couple in the house, you’ll never last in the real world. But I guess Geles really doesn’t know what the real world is like, having only seen it through the stripes of her dangling lashes.

She’s like, “I’m over this game.” And it’s like, honey, take a number. I’ve been over this show since 2014, yet here we are.

Back to Nurys, who is like, “I literally want anyone but DD to be with Malcolm. I don’t even care who. E-Money, get over here.”

Nurys apologizes to Malcolm for letting a dude lick chocolate off her nipple. It’s kinda crazy they don’t make a Hallmark card for that.

Nurys starts crying about how she always loses guys to another girl, and it’s like, well, you’re a self-proclaimed sidechick, so you have willingly put yourself in this position.

NURYS: *crying* It’s just so hard having all these problems that I created, knowingly!!!!

Malcolm’s like, “I have feelings for two girls again,” and they start kissing. This is without a doubt the weirdest episode of Malcolm In the Middle I have ever seen. 

Meanwhile, Keith is like, “Oh, was there a fight with Tyler and Kareem? I must have missed it, because I WAS HAVING SEX WITH ALEXIS. Yup, lots of sex. Loud sex, too. Soooooo much loud, screaming donkey sex.”

He’s like, “Wouldn’t it be cool in the real world, if like, everyone fights and nuclear bombs drop, and I’m just like, having sex with Alexis?” *hits blunt* Oh, to be young and have the IQ of a baked potato.

THE CHALLENGE

For the challenge, they have to pair up and make some gumbo. The uncultured swine that make up this cast are like, “What’s gumbo?”

Alexis is like, “I’m from West Virigina, we don’t know what gumbo is!” Dude, I’m from California. I know people that have literally eaten kale and ice cubes for six straight days, and I STILL know what gumbo is. 

The couples have to be strapped up together to make the gumbo, then Terrence J is the judge of the gumbo, because apparently when he’s not being the host of a D-List MTV show, he also moonlights as a Cajun food critic. Be sure to add that to your less than stellar IMDb page, TJ.

They all pair off with people, who are mostly new, and they all look like they have never ever spent a second behind a fucking stove. Isn’t it hazardous for Geles to be near an open flame with her lashes dangling in the wind?

Really, Shad? You’re gonna put fuckin’ cinnamon in the gumbo? What do you think gumbo is? A fuckin’ pastry? When is the last time you’ve seen a fucking cup of gumbo sold at a Cinnabon? Jeeeeesus.

Alexis/Keith (team whitebread) win (which is fucking insane), and Geles/Clinton get second.

BACK TO THE SHITHOLE MANSION

Malcolm and DD are still flirting and stuff, and Nurys is still flippin’ out. Like, why?

Nurys starts yelling at DD for like, rightfully pursing Malcolm, and it’s a mess. DD actually picks up some fucking bananas and starts throwing them at her. Never did I think a fruit would be a weapon of choice, so points for creativity. This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Jada’s looking at these hoes like they have lost their damn mind.

REAL PICTURE OF JADA:

Nurys is crying and is like, “I’m tired of fighting for this man and being the sidechick!” Tyler, can you play Nurys the world’s smallest violin?

THE DATE

For the date, they are going on a seaplane that MTV got them via Groupon. Geles is like, “Wow, a plane is on water, that is so crazy.” Very good, Geles. Why don’t you sit down? We all know that exercise of brain power hurt.

CLINTON: Geles is short, so this will be the first time she can see things!

GELES’ EYELASHES:

Alexis looks like she is off to church for her date with Keith, which is giving me whiplash from the Coyote Ugly vibe she normally gives.

Geles and Clinton do what normal people do on a first date and discuss their future children.

CLINTON: Our kids are going to be so cute. So, what’s your last name?

Alexis is like, “I’m such a pussy ass bitch, I’m so in love with Keith.” Wow, I’m sure he’s thrilled to hear that. “I hate myself because I love you.” I mean, I’ve seen every episode of Criminal Minds, and Alexis’ reactions to certain things are like, a cause for alarm. *starts twitter poll* Is Alexis a psychopath?

ALEXIS: *cousin murders someone* She should be free. Live free! YOLO! Luv u!

ALSO ALEXIS: *falls in love* This is horrible. Fuckin’ A. Worst day of my life.

ME, AN INTELLECTUAL:

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Shockingly (not), they vote Alexis and Keith into the Truth Booth. When Terrence J sees Alexis in her Easter dress, he’s like, “I feel like you dressed like a hoe when you’re single.” She’s like, “Well TJ, I’m a spoken for lady, now.” God, I feel like Mike Pence directed this episode.

ALEXIS GETTING READY FOR HER DATE:

But alas, team whitebread is a no match. Sad! Very Unfair!

They both take it pretty well—Alexis immediately starts drinking, and Keith immediately plots how to fuck the next girl. This is pretty much how all millennial relationships end.

The house is like, “Hey, we suck at this.” Really? What gave that away? Shad, of all people, the Cinnamon man, himself, has the smart idea of doing speed dating to get to know everyone. I thought I hated the cast members before, but now I really hate them for forcing me to agree with something Shad said.

Some couples hit it off like Uche and Michael, who both discovered they have no personalities. Keyana and Anthony bond over the lack of airtime they get on this show. Audrey still pretends like she isn’t into Shad, which I totally understand.

Tyler. Sweet, sweet Tyler. Tyler is really into Nicole, who literally looks like she would rather set herself on fire than date him. They go on a little mini date, and the cringe level is off the fuckin’ charts. She tells Tyler that she’s into short guys, which is a) fuckin’ unheard of and b) bad for Ty, since he’s so tall. He’s damn near whisperin’ to Jesus.

There was literally a bigger spark between DD and that banana. Yiiiiikes.

THE MATCH UP CEREMONY

Shad is like, “We can’t blackout, the Shad doesn’t blackout.” Yet, somehow I find myself desperately seeking a blackout anytime I have to watch the Shad.

Keyana picks Anthony, who very obviously does not miss Geles at all. Keyana, however, says she “misses Michael,” which is so weird, because doesn’t she have a shrine to him in her closet? Like, you can’t miss him that much, when you sneak into his bed every night to collect his stray hairs for your collection.

Alexis picks Joe, the only other human in the house who thinks mayonnaise is a spice.

Uche picks Michael, yawn.

Geles picks Clinton, because who else would she pick?

Zoe picks Keith.

Audrey picks the Shad. I’m telling you, they are gonna hook up.

Nurys and Kareem bonded at the speed dating about being chemically imbalanced and off their medications, so they match up too.

DD picks Dimitri (The spelling of his name, I swear, literally changes every episode) in the low grade remake of Dumb & Dumber.

Alivia picks Malcolm.

Nicole cringes and picks Tyler.

Jada picks E-Money. #SomeoneLoveEMoney

I guess the Shad was right twice this episode—they don’t blackout. They actually get four beams, which they are stoked about. This whole thing reminds me of college, where I would drink champagne, if I got a 60% on a test.

You can’t disappoint yourself if you don’t set any standards, I guess.

This week on AYTO was kind of a doozy. I disagreed with someone I generally like, for once agreed with Terrence J, and finally used skills from that one psych class I took in college to identify my first psychopath! Kareem, be sure to DM me to claim your prize later, ya fucking lunatic.

AT THE HOUSE

They just got 3 beams, which is like, meh. Not great, not zero. Alivia and Kareem are still hooking up, and she’s like, “I hate myself,” and it’s like, k.

Alexis says that Keith makes her want to better herself and do inspiring things like go back to get her middle school education. Love takes us to new heights, y’all. <3

Meanwhile, confirmed no-matches Dimetri/Nicole and Geles/Anthony are still hooking up, which is, like, fucking pointless on so many levels. How Geles is even able to see Anthony through the mile-long eyelashes she has is beyond me. They say that love is blind, I guess.

The likable guys—Ethan, Joe, and Tyler—and Shad, are all pissed because, like, half the girls have their heads up some dude’s asshole, and they can’t play the game correctly.

Kareem, on the other hand, thinks those guys need to “get out, meet people,” and it’s like well, that’s kinda hard to do when you’re balls deep in a girl 24/7 and can’t handle when she even looks at another dude. Like, is Joe just supposed to chill out on the side of the bed in The Boom Boom Room and ask her questions about herself while you two are hooking up?

REAL PIC OF JOE:

THE CHALLENGE

They need Clinton and Uche in the Truth Booth, so they can get a confirmed match, and hopefully, get those two vanilla motherfuckers back to the church camp they escaped from.

It’s the guys challenge this time, and they have to learn things about the girls via their family members. The guy who guesses the right answer first gets to eliminate someone, but if they answer incorrectly, they’re eliminated.

Audrey apparently lied to her parents about being on this show and told them she got an internship in “Cali,” which should have been the first indicator that she was lying, because literally no one calls it that.

After a series of not-so-riveting reveals, the fate of the game comes down to whether Uche’s cherry has been popped. Now this is high-quality television, you guys.

Eventually, the winners are Tyler, Clinton, and Keith, who pick Jada, Uche (duh), and Alivia, respectively.

ANDDDDD BACK TO THE HOUSE

Joe starts talking to Alivia and casually asks about Kareem. Alivia gets triggered faster than your racist Uncle Conrad on a pro-Black Lives Matter Facebook post and tells Joe that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Joe’s actually pretty fucking respectful about it.

JOE: “Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.”

ME TALKING INTO MY THIRD GLASS OF WINE: … you pansy-ass bitch

Alivia does exactly what every girl who “isn’t like most girls” does and slyly starts drama. She immediately goes to Kareem and tells him that Joe asked her about him.

He grabs Alivia by her chin (which he does a lot) and yells at her about what she needs to do, etc. Kareem genuinely fucking frightens me. Like, if I was Alivia’s friend, I would probably be openly concerned for the fact that he grabs her like that and speaks to her like a fuckin’ controlling father. MTV—really great casting on this. I hope you’re willing to pay for Alivia’s therapy bills.

THE DATE

They go on a Mississippi River steamboat, which sounds like a really gross sexual act that someone tells you to “look up on Urban Dictionary.”

Clinton and Uche start talking about kids and dogs and if Uche is willing to move to the East Coast, and it’s like, woah. Lots of decisions. Idk what I even want to put on my Chipotle burrito when I’m like, halfway in line. Can you just like, chill for a sec?

Alivia tries to open a champagne bottle with her teeth, which is like so dangerous. Why can’t Kareem yell tidbits of common sense in her face, so she avoids stupid shit like this?

Alivia is talking to Keith and she’s like, “Idk if I want Kareem in my life, because he’s so smart that he makes me go back to him, whereas you’re like, you.” Keith’s like, “Fair enough.” 

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Of course, the house sends Clinton and Uche to the Truth Booth. They both wanna hustle and get this shit over with, so they can make it to the 7:30 bible study class. Today Janet brought lemonade and used real sugar—gonna be a fuckin’ rager.

Unfortunately, someone didn’t kiss their prayer beads this morning, because it’s a NO MATCH. This is a big hit for the house, because these two have literally been sitting together the whole show, whiiiiiich means they know nothing, and I still have to write these fuckin’ recaps!

Uche starts breaking down and is really mourning the loss of the potential D she may have gotten in the honeymoon suite.

About 2.5 seconds after the Truth Booth, Jada goes up to Clinton and asks him to talk. She basically is like, “You need to branch out to other girls…. Actually no, just me.” See the funny thing about branching out is, you’re gonna need to bring a few condoms to do it.

They both talk about how they literally don’t know each other, and everyone watching is like, yeah. We know. Why are we here again? And then they leave. Pointless.

However, Satan has clearly possessed Uche and she pulls a Kareem and freaks out about two people talking. She comes in HOT at Jada, who like, did nothing wrong.

Uche’s like, “What did you say to Clinton!?,” acting like Jada came out kitty-first rather than literally just talking to him. Jada’s like, two seconds from reminding Uche who the fuck she thinks she is talking to, and I do not blame her one bit. Uche was foul with this one.

Clinton’s like, “Wtf Uche is kinda a jealous bitch, that’s not my type,” and it’s like, Alivia, get your notebook out, sweetie. Write this down.

Jada runs off and starts crying, which is kinda not what I expected. Give me the curb stomp I signed up for, dammit! Jada’s like, “I respected Clinton and Uche’s relationship for so long,” which is def true. I’ve seen some fucked up shit, from being the only viewer of this show for the last five years, and Jada’s def taken the high road.

Jada then starts flipping the fuck out and hitting shit, and THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT.

Uche swears to God that she did nothing wrong in this instance, and you know sweet baby Jesus is up in heaven like:

Uche’s like, “It’s hurtful to me that we have to play this game as it was intended,” and it’s like, buck up, snowflake. Make MTV Great Again!

Speaking of Trump voters, Alexis still thinks Keith is her match, and she said the feelings she has freak her out more than a transgender person existing and doing absolutely nothing to harm her.

Keith is like, “Alexis knows how to get to me,” and I think that probably has to do with the fact that she’s blown him like, 10 times in the last week. Alexis swears she has trust and abandonment issues, and I guess I could see that, when your house is literally on wheels. If your bathroom could potentially leave you, imagine how hard dating is? I worry for her.

THE MATCH UP CEREMONY

Anthony is up first and picks Nicole. Somewhere in the distance, Geles’ tears trickle down her eyelashes, bringing fresh water to Flint, located hundreds of miles away.

Terrence J decides to Daddy up on these idiots and calls out the no match couples and is like, “You see how this is dumb right?” And Geles is like, “I literally cannot see my own hands.”

Terrence J asks Malcolm if he’s talked to other girls, and he’s like, “Sure. I’ve talked to other girls….” Terrence J asks him who he’s talked to, and it’s like being caught in lie with your parents.

TERRENCE J: Who did you talk to?

MALCOLM: Other girls.

TJ: Which girls?

MALCOLM: Uh… you know… the ones with the eyes.

Of course Malcolm picks DD.

Kareem picks Alivia, dragging her from her chair by her fucking chin.

Joe comes out and is like, “We aren’t playing this game correctly!!!” which, wow, if I had a nickel every time I heard that on this show…

Kareem flips out and is like, “Joe has no connections because he shit talks people!” and it’s like, okay that’s like, the best way to make connections. The fuck are you doing, trying to insult my livelihood like that?

Joe picks Zoe.

Shad picks Audrey, who would much rather be with Johnny Bravo.

Tyler picks Keyana.

Ethan picks Geles, which bothers me. Can I take a second to discuss Geles, because I have THOUGHTS. *takes sip of wine* Geles literally only claims Ethan is her match because she is not attracted to him at all. Like, what do they have in common? *Malcolm answers* “They have eyes.” ANYWAY, it’s sooooo easy for her to pair up with Ethan, who she has zero interest in, because she knows she won’t fuck him, and he’s too nice to make moves on her, so she can still continue to dick around with Anthony. Homegirl, I was in a sorority for four fucking years—I can spot subtle manipulation faster than Jada can run into Clinton’s arms.

Keith picks Alexis.

Clinton picks Jada, lol.

Dimetri picks Uche.

Johnny Bravo picks Nurys.

Overall, it’s a random AF lineup, which is probably why they get one beam. Loooooosahs.

Terrence J finally yells at them for being fucking idiots, and it’s like, wow look who decided to put on his big boy pants today. They go back to the house, tails between their legs, Alivia’s chin in Kareem’s iron grip.

When they get back, Kareem and Anthony face off with Joe and Ethan about how the house is divided. Every once in a while Geles pipes up to agree with Kareem, and it’s like, literally never speak again. Kareem tells E-money and Joe they are losers, and it’s like, if Kareem is supposedly the fucking cool one in the house, you all are bunch of fucking losers.

Like I said, doozy. Tune in next week to see if E-money does the world a favor and punches Kareem, and to see if Alexis finally learns how to spell the word “orange.” Bye!

Hi everyone, sorry this recap is late but either the weather change or my inability to drink fluids that aren’t of the fermented grape variety got me very sick. Lucky for you, I chased my DayQuil with a few glasses of Merlot and I’m feeling like a new woman.

So let’s review—last week, no matches continued to take a giant shit on this game. Zoe expressed the weirdest interest in Kareem, even though he’s all about Alivia and like, fucking unhinged. Also, there were condiments spread on Nurys’ nipple and licked off by a low budget live-action Johnny Bravo. Okay cool, we’re all caught up.

AT THE HOUSE

Malcolm and DD are all over each other now that Nurys brought the fuckin pantry to her lady bits. Malcolm’s like “DD knows just how to get me to move on!!” Oh, I’m sure she’s got some perfectly respectable methods.

Nurys thinks DD is a rebound, DD thinks she’s the love of Malcolm’s life, and I think they both are morons. Like seriously, what do you guys see in this dude besides the fact that he could pass as a Jason Derulo impersonator at a male strip club?

Dimetri and Nicole are cuddling and Dimetri literally only likes her body. Like seriously, he says that. On national television. What a guy.

Nicole is like “I love taking care of people that are immature” and it’s like, okay so go work at the Boys & Girls Club? The fuck.

Alivia acknowledges that even though she’s with Kareem, she “specifically requested a dumb Italian guy,” and apparently that guy is Keith. Who knew Keith is Italian? I feel like he’s def the redheaded stepchild of the Italian family. Keith looks like a poor man’s Chris Pratt—not Pauly D.

Kareem watches Alivia talk to Keith and is like “I’m a cute kind of jealous. When you are polite to someone else it’s like, NO FUCK THAT BE POLITE TO ME YOU DUMB BITCH. See, it’s cute.”

The girls are like, “we’ve been wanting to do a lingerie party for so long!” and it’s like, yeah cause y’all are hoes.

Dimetri immediately starts making sexual comments to every girl in the room, because ya know, that always works out. He’s like “I like Nicole but I really wanna fuck every girl here.” Ugh it’s such a bummer every time he opens his stupid fucking mouth. Like, do you hear yourself, like when you speak?

Nicole is openly pretty fucking pissed and Dimetri is like “what, I’m just playing?” which is the trademark of fuckboys universally. Dimetri is like “I have no filter and people think I’m a flirt” and it’s like, uh you literally just said you wanna fuck other girls.

DIMETRI: **says he wants to fuck other girls**


NICOLE: You said you want to fuck other girls


DIMITRI: THIS IS FAKE NEWS

Zoe goes to move in on Kareem and they start grinding on each other, which Alivia is supposedly fine with. She’s so fine, in fact, that she’s going to hang out with Keith upstairs, because like, it’s fine. Idk how this chat even takes place when Keith can barely put a fuggin sentence together.

Kareem tells Zoe that when he originally came into the house, he was interested in her. Uh huh, oooookay. Of course Zoe buys that stupid shit and they start making out in the closet. I honestly feel like this house is just a combo of closets, showers, and the boom boom room.

Zoe legit starts bouncing around from person to person telling them how her and Kareem made out. Damn Zoe, I remember when I got my first kiss. Couldn’t keep your mouth shut for a fuckin’ second?

Keyana’s moral compass seems to appear out of nowhere and she decides that it’s pretty fucked up of Kareem to do that. She tells Keith, Alivia, and Tyler what Zoe told her. So like, again, this is kind of Zoe’s fault. Just making sure we’re all on the same page.

Alivia goes outside to see wtf is up and sees Kareem and Zoe in the pool, hanging all over each other. She gives him the universal “go fuck yourself” thumbs up and then runs into Keith’s Italian arms where he whispers sweet nothings of raviolis and “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoreeee.”

Nicole tells Kareem that Alivia knows about the kiss and he’s like “how could this be?!” as Zoe slowly tries to drown herself in the pool.

Kareem gets super mad at Keyana, even though, say it with me, it’s really not her fault. Kareem starts yelling at Keyana and Tyler steps in and is like, uh you did this? Kareem and Tyler start shoving each other and tbh I’m feeeeeeling Tyler rn. If this doesn’t get him laid in the house, idk what will.

Security comes in to separate shit while Kareem continues to lose his fuckin mind. Zoe’s like “I feel so dumb” and it’s like, well sweetie, *pats her on the head* that’s cause you are.

Kareem and Clinton are having a heart-to-heart about how Kareem made a pretty massive fuckup. Clinton drops some Jesus knowledge on him and is like “yo you’re mad at yourself, not Keyana or Tyler.” What bible verse is that?

Uche and Clinton go on a mini date and talk about how they are moving super slow and they love it. I mean, they need to save room for the holy spirit in their life. Clinton likes that they are respectful and not fucking losers like the rest of them. Honestly, I’m rooting for you two Jesus freak virgins.

TRUTH BOOTH

Real question—do any of these girls own bras?

Anyway, Zoe talks about making out with Kareem and Alivia starts crying. Kareem finally admits he may have done something wrong, like maaaaybe. Alivia swears she can’t get back with Kareem anymore even though we all know that’ll last for like, three days.

After making a girl cry, Terrence J is like “ALRIGHT time for the truth booth!!!!” I love how MTV picks hosts who have like, no soul.

Dimetri and Nicole to the truth booth and it’s not a surprise that they aren’t a match. It was such an anti-climatic truth booth, I’m not even going to waste another sentence on it.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

While the girls are trying to talk strategy, the Shad is trying to figure out how to exist in this world without looking like a complete fucking idiot. Both situations are a lost cause.

The Shad’s like “girls say I’m being a dick but they are really into me”, which I honestly imagine is probably true. I can’t even really argue with that. Know yourself, know your worth.

Audrey decides to be bold and have a simple conversation with Shad. That conversation literally just becomes her repeating “I hate you” to Shad, which is pretty reasonable.

She’s like “I don’t want to be 100% into Michael because love isn’t real on this scripted show.” What? Who said that?

MATCH UP CEREMONY

It’s the girls’ turn to choose and if they fuck this up, the men are going to do what they do best and hold the mistake over their heads until the end of time.

THE DUDES: But, her emails!!!!!!

Alexis is first and picks Dimetri. Keith rolls his eyes because he knows that no one can handle Alexis’ crazy ass but him—and honestly idk if that’s a good or bad thing.

DD is up next and we’re all like, okay she obviously is picking Malcolm, right? She decides to pick Kareem—wtf. Everyone is like, why are you this way??

Joe, the weed farmer, is like “they are so fucking stupid I can’t take them seriously,” which is what I’ve said about every new pledge class in my sorority.

Zoe picks Joe, whose hair is longer than mine. Joe’s honestly one of the prettiest lesbians I have ever seen, wow.

Uche picks Clinton, duh.

Audrey’s up next and goes on about how much she likes Michael and how he broke down her walls, etc. but then picks Shad, who turns her stomach.

Audrey explains that the girls are not listening to their heart, but just kinda randomly selecting their matches.

AUDREY: We figure, why not? Take a crazy chance? Why not? Do a crazy dance? If you lose the moment, you may lose a lot. So why not?


THE GUYS: Isn’t that a Hilary Duff song?


AUDREY: This is fake news.

Jada picks Tyler, even though I’m pretty sure she could beat him up.

Keyana picks Anthony.

Nicole picks Ethan, which is good because SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN.

Geles picks Michael.

Keith is watching the match up ceremony and is like “I took statistics in college and this doesn’t look promising.” He acts like he’s a fucking Stanford alum mathematician. Keith, your remedial math class at Oklahoma State doesn’t count.

Nurys picks Keith.

Which leaves Alivia and Malcolm.

Terrence J asks Alivia about the Kareem situation and she’s like “I expected this from every other dude but not Kareem.” #NotAllMen

Thankfully for them, they don’t black out. They get 3 beams. Which isn’t good, but isn’t bad either. Kind of what I imagine hooking up with Shad would be like.

Back at the house, Kareem is talking to Alivia and is like “me fucking up makes me love you more!!!” Not entirely sure how that works out, but k.

Alivia is like “I need time to figure this out” and it’s like, you’re not doing amazing, sweetie.

Hi, it’s me, Betch Waldorf, your recapper. Please hold the applause. Sorry for not posting a recap last week, but someone *cough, cough* MTV STUDIOS *cough* did not send me the episode in advance and your girl doesn’t have cable because I’m a refined human being that uses Netflix and illegal downloading exclusively.

Anyway, I’m going to combine last week’s and last night’s episode in one. Here we go.

LAST WEEK MINI RECAP

Guess what—Geles and Anthony are not a match. This comes as a shock to literally no one watching the show, but everyone on the show. Tyler literally said he would “bet his life on Geles and Anthony being a match” and look, I’m not trying to be a stickler, but I’m here to collect.

Michael broke up with Keyana because she was acting like she was a second away from looking up body transfusion surgeries with him. She’s like “I don’t care about the money, I just want him.” If you listen closely, you’ll hear the sound of me loudly groaning at how stupid she is.

The girls go to pick at the match-up ceremony and they get a combined, wait for it, wait for it—one beam. I honestly think it takes hard work to be dumber than the posse of idiot men on the show, so really, great work to all involved. This shit right here is why we get paid 72 cents to every dipshit man’s dollar.

Mike tells Alivia he doesn’t see her and Kareem being a match, and Kareem loses his fucking mind. While he’s having a mental breakdown in the corner and about to tell Michael to “say hello to his little friend”, Zoe is like, “wow look how Kareem stands up for Alivia, I want that.”

Zoe’s strategy this game is to keep her standards super low and just leave them like that until like, she dies. Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.

Also, Geles is low-key into Ethan now which like, THANK YOU #SomeoneLoveEthan

After the challenge, where MTV gets the house drunk and makes them do dumb shit (what, MTV?! Never! They would NEVER do that!!!), Nurys and Malcolm get called into the truth booth. They like, confess their love to each other after 14 days and off they go.

Okay I feel like that was substantial. Anyway, onto that new new shit.

THE TRUTH BOOTH CLIFFHANGER

Nurys and Malcolm are in the Truth Booth while DD is praying to her voodoo doll of Malcolm that they are not a match. Luckily for DD, we live in a world that’s going to shit and nothing makes sense anymore, so they aren’t a match.

Nurys and Malcolm start crying and DD’s like “Malcolm, you can cry on my shoulder!” The funny thing about her shoulder is it’s located on her vagina.

AT THE HOUSE

So can we talk about Shad? Let’s do it.

First of all, it’s like his parents wanted him to have an STD growing up, with the name Shad. Like, how can we make our kid INSTANTLY unlikeable? I know, let’s name him fucking Shad.

Second of all, Shad has lived up to my original analysis of being the dude at the frat party who asks you “who you know here” and the proceeds to give you raper face from across the room. Honestly, am I saying all of this because I hate his haircut? Possibly.

Shad’s talking to Alexis about her tattoos and she goes “this tattoo says ‘live free!’” So inspiring, I think to myself. “…And it’s about my cousin who murdered her best friend when she was 17.” AAAAAND we’re back.

Shad will literally do anything to have a semblance of a connection to a girl and he’s like “I too have a tattoo in homage to a murderer.” *whips out his Jeffrey Dahmer tattoo* Hey, Alexis and her family may be incestual murderers, but at least they fucking stand for the flag, dammit! This is America!!!!

Nurys thinks Malcolm will leave her for someone else and he’s like “Really?! You think I would do that?” Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Does Donald Trump bathe in self tanner?

Nurys doesn’t want to get to know any other dudes while Malcolm is like “we need to play the game… but I want you to have my babies.” Well, that escalated quickly.

Geles and Anthony are back on their bullshit and have sex, even though they aren’t a match and she’s with Ethan, DAMMIT. LOVE ETHAN.

Zoe and Keith, who both don’t seem like the sharpest crayons in the box, are talking strategy. LOL. Meanwhile, Alexis is stressed because she caught the feels for Keith, but I think she should be more worried about being shot at a family reunion.

Kareem decides to take Alivia fishing, because that’s not the most boring shit I have ever heard. Also, why do they get to leave the house? Why doesn’t ETHAN GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, HUH?

ME RN:

KAREEM: I have this great date planned! First, we’re going to watch paint dry. Then we’re going to sit in silence for an hour. So glad we met on this show, I really think the matchmakers got it right.

Kareem keeps complimenting Alivia and she’s like “I wonder why I like him!!!!” Yeah, huh, I wonder why. They both are like “I don’t want to give up this fling for money”—spoken like a true poor person.

Michael and Audrey are talking while Keyana is sobbing in the corner. Ethan is trying to comfort the crazy girl who is obsessed with a dude who looks like a young Mr. Incredible and I really feel like he’s doing his best.

REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:

MATCH-UP CEREMONY

Off the bat, Terrence J is wearing a sweater that look likes it came from a 90’s sitcom. I’m half expecting the background music to start playing—“in West Philadelphia, born and raised…” He starts asking everyone how they are doing and it’s like, aren’t you out past Uncle Phil’s curfew?

Malcolm’s up first and he and Nurys are like “we’re still together.” Everyone else is like, “the fuck you are.”

Malcolm picks Geles, which Nurys is thrilled about because she hates DD. Everyone else is like, “this is randoooooom.” Geles doesn’t comment, though, because she barely can see what’s going on through the shag carpet she calls eyelashes.

Malcolm reveals he doesn’t want to make Nurys mad by sitting next to DD.

@ Malcolm:

Michael picks Audrey, while Keyana is like “I would take a bullet for Michael!” Is there an on-set therapist?

Joe picks Zoe.

Kareem picks Alivia.

Tyler, who’s so deep in the friend zone it’s beyond repair, picks Nicole.

Dimitri picks Nurys.

Shad picks Keyana.

Ethan picks Alexis. Okay Ethan, I want you to find love, not end up 6 feet under with a possible meth addiction.

Clinton obviously picks Uche and Jada is still, obviously, still weirdly pissed about it.

Clinton’s like “Uche and I could go to church together.” Damn, and I thought fishing was bad. At least I know that fish are real and not some made-up shit from thousands of years ago. What? Who said that?

Anthony picks Jada. And Keith picks DD.

Honestly, this match-up makes zero fucking sense, which is probably why they only end up with two beams. Looooosaaaahs.

Malcolm goes to talk to DD and is like “I didn’t pick you because I didn’t want to look like a player.” DD is like “you should be with me because I can make you better.” Did you know that one of the D’s in DD’s nickname stands for desperate?

THE CHALLENGE

This time the girls get to do the challenge and if it’s anything like their match-up ceremony, it’s gonna be a bigger train wreck than the year 2017.

They all pair up into couples and the girls get asked trivia questions about the dudes. If they get it wrong, they get Mardi Gras powder in their face and are out. Last 3 couples standing get to go on a date.

Off the bat, Nurys immediately gets Anthony’s question wrong. Not shocked.

Alexis and Shad are out because he would rather be skinny than poor. Fuckin’ Shad.

Geles and Ethan make it in because LOVE ETHAN.

Malcolm shares that he has some fucking horrible taste in Batman preferences and everyone is furious. He gets out because he likes Ben Affleck more than Christian Bale and that literally makes no sense at all. Does anyone like Ben Affleck after the news this week?

Michael and Audrey are out. Womp womp. Well, at least they still have their white privilege.

Nicole gets asked “Would Dimitri rather live in the Midwest or Manhattan?” and she deadass doesn’t know the difference between Manhattan and the Midwest. One is the place you see represented in every movie ever, and the other is the place that swears to god that coal mining is making a comeback and still weirdly enough runs our country (shoutout to the Electoral College).

Keyana and Tyler are out, because obviously.

Uche and Clinton need to win so they can go on a date, and of course they fuck it up.

So, the couples are Ethan & Geles, Zoe & Keith and Dimiti & Nicole. AKA a bunch of no matches.

Terrence J is like “you’re about to go on the best date ever!” and then sends them on a bar crawl. Honestly, for once the date lived up to Terrence’s description.

THE DATE

Dimitri is super excited to go on a date with Nicole because of her winning personality huge tits.

Nicole thinks the fact that Dimitri acts like a 7-year-old is adorable. She’s always been a good babysitter and is even CPR certified. She can certainly provide references if you need them.

Dimitri and Nicole start making out. Riveting. Moving on.

Keith and Zoe are being forced into this date by producers like nobody’s business. I imagine someone is legit waving a gun behind the camera, because they look more uncomfortable than an Ikea bed. Keith is like “I don’t think you’re interested in me” and Zoe’s like *takes deep breath of relief* “omg I can’t fuckin’ stand you.”

Zoe tells him that she’s into Kareem and Keith/everyone watching is like “but why?”

Ethan straight-up tells Geles that her being with Anthony makes this friend date suuuuuuper uncomfortable. She’s like “I feel bad. Next time we’ll have sex a little less obviously.”

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Like most grown-ass adults, the folks at the house decide to do a sumo wrestling competition and the winner has to do a dare? Not sure how that works, but let’s just go with it.

They strap pillows around themselves and start running into each other, which will probably result in them losing the remaining few brain cells they each have.

Jada is up and if she wins she gets to lick Nutella off Clintons abs. She’s like “time to suit the fuck up.” If Jada had half as much determination in real life as she does to lick Clinton, shiiiiiit, she might actually have a real job by now. #AnythingIsPossible

However, Audrey is surprisingly strong and ends up beating Jada. Better luck next time.

The winner of Anthony and Michael’s match get the super special opportunity to… lick peanut butter of Nurys’ nipple? Wait what?

Anthony is like….”uh, what?” And I share his sentiments. Damn, you just whip the tit out for any old dude with a pillow duct taped to his chest? Not judging but….

Guess who walks in riiiiiiight as Micheal is flicking Nurys’ perky bits—good old Malcolm, who’s given up his player ways for a total of 10 days.

He’s like “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I AM THE BEACON OF LOYALTY!” And Nurys is like “but, honey. It was a dare!!!” For once I agree with Malcolm when he’s like “are you fucking serious?” Nurys has the logic of a Trump administration staff member.

Malcolm can’t even sit with a girl at a match-up ceremony and Nurys is over here letting everyone milk the fuckin’ cow for a sumo game. Yiiiiiiikes, double standards are cringeworthy. Malcolm does what I would have done too, and immediately grabs desperate AF DD and drags her to the boom boom room.

SO I guess that’s one no-match couple down. Thanks Nurys’ titty for saving the game!