Hi everyone, sorry this recap is late but either the weather change or my inability to drink fluids that aren’t of the fermented grape variety got me very sick. Lucky for you, I chased my DayQuil with a few glasses of Merlot and I’m feeling like a new woman.
So let’s review—last week, no matches continued to take a giant shit on this game. Zoe expressed the weirdest interest in Kareem, even though he’s all about Alivia and like, fucking unhinged. Also, there were condiments spread on Nurys’ nipple and licked off by a low budget live-action Johnny Bravo. Okay cool, we’re all caught up.
AT THE HOUSE
Malcolm and DD are all over each other now that Nurys brought the fuckin pantry to her lady bits. Malcolm’s like “DD knows just how to get me to move on!!” Oh, I’m sure she’s got some perfectly respectable methods.
Nurys thinks DD is a rebound, DD thinks she’s the love of Malcolm’s life, and I think they both are morons. Like seriously, what do you guys see in this dude besides the fact that he could pass as a Jason Derulo impersonator at a male strip club?
Dimetri and Nicole are cuddling and Dimetri literally only likes her body. Like seriously, he says that. On national television. What a guy.
Nicole is like “I love taking care of people that are immature” and it’s like, okay so go work at the Boys & Girls Club? The fuck.
Alivia acknowledges that even though she’s with Kareem, she “specifically requested a dumb Italian guy,” and apparently that guy is Keith. Who knew Keith is Italian? I feel like he’s def the redheaded stepchild of the Italian family. Keith looks like a poor man’s Chris Pratt—not Pauly D.
Kareem watches Alivia talk to Keith and is like “I’m a cute kind of jealous. When you are polite to someone else it’s like, NO FUCK THAT BE POLITE TO ME YOU DUMB BITCH. See, it’s cute.”
The girls are like, “we’ve been wanting to do a lingerie party for so long!” and it’s like, yeah cause y’all are hoes.
Dimetri immediately starts making sexual comments to every girl in the room, because ya know, that always works out. He’s like “I like Nicole but I really wanna fuck every girl here.” Ugh it’s such a bummer every time he opens his stupid fucking mouth. Like, do you hear yourself, like when you speak?
Nicole is openly pretty fucking pissed and Dimetri is like “what, I’m just playing?” which is the trademark of fuckboys universally. Dimetri is like “I have no filter and people think I’m a flirt” and it’s like, uh you literally just said you wanna fuck other girls.
DIMETRI: **says he wants to fuck other girls**
NICOLE: You said you want to fuck other girls
DIMITRI: THIS IS FAKE NEWS
Zoe goes to move in on Kareem and they start grinding on each other, which Alivia is supposedly fine with. She’s so fine, in fact, that she’s going to hang out with Keith upstairs, because like, it’s fine. Idk how this chat even takes place when Keith can barely put a fuggin sentence together.
Kareem tells Zoe that when he originally came into the house, he was interested in her. Uh huh, oooookay. Of course Zoe buys that stupid shit and they start making out in the closet. I honestly feel like this house is just a combo of closets, showers, and the boom boom room.
Zoe legit starts bouncing around from person to person telling them how her and Kareem made out. Damn Zoe, I remember when I got my first kiss. Couldn’t keep your mouth shut for a fuckin’ second?
Keyana’s moral compass seems to appear out of nowhere and she decides that it’s pretty fucked up of Kareem to do that. She tells Keith, Alivia, and Tyler what Zoe told her. So like, again, this is kind of Zoe’s fault. Just making sure we’re all on the same page.
Alivia goes outside to see wtf is up and sees Kareem and Zoe in the pool, hanging all over each other. She gives him the universal “go fuck yourself” thumbs up and then runs into Keith’s Italian arms where he whispers sweet nothings of raviolis and “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoreeee.”
Nicole tells Kareem that Alivia knows about the kiss and he’s like “how could this be?!” as Zoe slowly tries to drown herself in the pool.
Kareem gets super mad at Keyana, even though, say it with me, it’s really not her fault. Kareem starts yelling at Keyana and Tyler steps in and is like, uh you did this? Kareem and Tyler start shoving each other and tbh I’m feeeeeeling Tyler rn. If this doesn’t get him laid in the house, idk what will.
Security comes in to separate shit while Kareem continues to lose his fuckin mind. Zoe’s like “I feel so dumb” and it’s like, well sweetie, *pats her on the head* that’s cause you are.
Kareem and Clinton are having a heart-to-heart about how Kareem made a pretty massive fuckup. Clinton drops some Jesus knowledge on him and is like “yo you’re mad at yourself, not Keyana or Tyler.” What bible verse is that?
Uche and Clinton go on a mini date and talk about how they are moving super slow and they love it. I mean, they need to save room for the holy spirit in their life. Clinton likes that they are respectful and not fucking losers like the rest of them. Honestly, I’m rooting for you two Jesus freak virgins.
TRUTH BOOTH
Real question—do any of these girls own bras?
Anyway, Zoe talks about making out with Kareem and Alivia starts crying. Kareem finally admits he may have done something wrong, like maaaaybe. Alivia swears she can’t get back with Kareem anymore even though we all know that’ll last for like, three days.
After making a girl cry, Terrence J is like “ALRIGHT time for the truth booth!!!!” I love how MTV picks hosts who have like, no soul.
Dimetri and Nicole to the truth booth and it’s not a surprise that they aren’t a match. It was such an anti-climatic truth booth, I’m not even going to waste another sentence on it.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
While the girls are trying to talk strategy, the Shad is trying to figure out how to exist in this world without looking like a complete fucking idiot. Both situations are a lost cause.
The Shad’s like “girls say I’m being a dick but they are really into me”, which I honestly imagine is probably true. I can’t even really argue with that. Know yourself, know your worth.
Audrey decides to be bold and have a simple conversation with Shad. That conversation literally just becomes her repeating “I hate you” to Shad, which is pretty reasonable.
She’s like “I don’t want to be 100% into Michael because love isn’t real on this scripted show.” What? Who said that?
MATCH UP CEREMONY
It’s the girls’ turn to choose and if they fuck this up, the men are going to do what they do best and hold the mistake over their heads until the end of time.
THE DUDES: But, her emails!!!!!!
Alexis is first and picks Dimetri. Keith rolls his eyes because he knows that no one can handle Alexis’ crazy ass but him—and honestly idk if that’s a good or bad thing.
DD is up next and we’re all like, okay she obviously is picking Malcolm, right? She decides to pick Kareem—wtf. Everyone is like, why are you this way??
Joe, the weed farmer, is like “they are so fucking stupid I can’t take them seriously,” which is what I’ve said about every new pledge class in my sorority.
Zoe picks Joe, whose hair is longer than mine. Joe’s honestly one of the prettiest lesbians I have ever seen, wow.
Uche picks Clinton, duh.
Audrey’s up next and goes on about how much she likes Michael and how he broke down her walls, etc. but then picks Shad, who turns her stomach.
Audrey explains that the girls are not listening to their heart, but just kinda randomly selecting their matches.
AUDREY: We figure, why not? Take a crazy chance? Why not? Do a crazy dance? If you lose the moment, you may lose a lot. So why not?
THE GUYS: Isn’t that a Hilary Duff song?
AUDREY: This is fake news.
Jada picks Tyler, even though I’m pretty sure she could beat him up.
Keyana picks Anthony.
Nicole picks Ethan, which is good because SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN.
Geles picks Michael.
Keith is watching the match up ceremony and is like “I took statistics in college and this doesn’t look promising.” He acts like he’s a fucking Stanford alum mathematician. Keith, your remedial math class at Oklahoma State doesn’t count.
Nurys picks Keith.
Which leaves Alivia and Malcolm.
Terrence J asks Alivia about the Kareem situation and she’s like “I expected this from every other dude but not Kareem.” #NotAllMen
Thankfully for them, they don’t black out. They get 3 beams. Which isn’t good, but isn’t bad either. Kind of what I imagine hooking up with Shad would be like.
Back at the house, Kareem is talking to Alivia and is like “me fucking up makes me love you more!!!” Not entirely sure how that works out, but k.
Alivia is like “I need time to figure this out” and it’s like, you’re not doing amazing, sweetie.
The worst/best show on television is back and lucky for you, the worst/best recapper you know is back too. You’re welcome.
TBH I was heavily considering not recapping this show because I was thinking about living my life and stuff, but then I saw this shit show of a cast (and also how bad the Bachelor is) and I just knew in the dark pits of my soul that I couldn’t let this show go.
LET’S BEGIN NOW
First major change—they are in New Orleans now. Probably a good thing. They weren’t getting too much variety in the Dominican Republic. You can only play with monkeys so many times until you’re like “so, where are the buildings with electricity?”
Also, Terrence J is the new host. RIP to the best father figure most of the contestants ever had, Ryan Devlin.
Let’s review some of the dumb things we learned/that were said during introductions to everyone:
TYLER: “I told her that I was okay with her hooking up with another guy and I wasn’t!” Cool story, Hansel.
UCHE: “I’m with all these guys I’m not supposed to be with! Football players, rappers, all the cool guys.” That’s a weird way of saying you’re a fuckin’ loser.
KEYANA: “I want to be everywhere with my boyfriend. I want to wear a vile of his blood around my neck and drink from it from time to time. What.” (paraphrase)
JOE’S MOM: “My son brings home idiots, which is amazing because he sells pot for a living and it shocks me that Harvard grads aren’t lining up to date him.”
NICOLE: “I’m trapped in this hookup culture!!!” She acts like she’s been kidnapped in a third world country rather than being asked for dick pics.
KAREEM: “Where I’m from, don’t nobody ever touch a million dollars.” Yeah, they clearly don’t read books or attend basic English classes either.
MICHAEL: “I get like 25-50 DM’s from girls a day wanting to date me. None of them speak English though, so lo siento bitches, no dates for you.” Also, Mike, they are all probs like 14. Judging from the acne on your face, you probably are too.
FIRST CHALLENGE
Terrence J shows the girls something the boys find important and the girls have to raise their hands if it’s important to them too. Moderate Instagram fame has to be on this list.
First is football. Audrey raises her hand and she’s like “Why do I like football? Why do I not like football?! I love football!!!”
AUDREY DURING FOOTBALL GAMES:
Football was Malcolm’s pick and he’s like “I love football because that’s the only reason my dad loves me” and the girls are all like “AW THAT’S SO SWEET!” Nothing moisturizes the kitty like deep-rooted familial issues, amirite.
Next is the piano, and Keyana is like “I like music!” while the rest of the girls apparently prefer silence? Her match is Ethan, the guy who looks like Rob Dyrdek if he ate Rob Dyrdek. He’s very excited to go on his first date ever and is just itching to call his mom and tell her all about it.
Turns out he’s a rapper. Fuck. There is always one “rapper” every season and they are almost always bordering on albino.
ETHAN: “E-Money gets the girls, but Ethan doesn’t.” How many of you are there?
REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:
Next picture is some religious stuff and the girls are like “I only go down on my knees for one thing, and it ain’t our lord and savior.” Too bad—it was Clinton’s pick and he’s a fine-ass mother fucker. Jesus wept making that fine specimen and that should tell you something, since I’m a Jew.
Next picture is a condom and Jada is like “HEEEEEEEEEEY.”
JADA’S ROLE ON THIS SHOW:
Chad is the one that picked a condom and he’s like “yeah, I like sex, so what?” Chad reminds me of the guy you tell your sorority little to avoid at frat parties.
CHAD: “Look at me, I’m the Chad!” I’M SORRY, unless you are Tom Green yelling to Drew Barrymore from a boat, you are not the fuckin’ Chad!!! Wait, is his name Shad? THAT IS EVEN WORSE.
Anyways, all the couples are going on a date. Thrilling.
ON TO THE HOUSE
Of course it’s time for shots and more introductions.
ZOE: “Guys don’t like me, they just want to wear my thighs as earmuffs.” Oddly specific but ok.
JOE: “I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and so far the only thing I have ever witnessed is me still being a virgin”
Joe’s going to be that castmate that I can’t tell is hot. He always looks like he is squinting into the sun but I would def let him in if he came knocking on my door wanting to sell a bible.
Keyana immediately tells Michael that she follows him on Instagram and he’s like “very cool, do you speak English?” Also, Keyana do you need to refill your shitty beer? Because you look fucking THIRSTY.
Ethan is already hating himself and saying that he’s going to sit in a corner all season and now I’m just upset. No one puts Ethan in a corner!
KEYANA: So you wear a shoe on each foot?
MIKE: Yeah
KEYANA: omg so do I. Let’s get married.
Uche and Chocolate Jesus (Clinton’s new nickname for the season—CJ) are def hitting it off.
CLINTON: “Girls tell me they love me on social media, but it’s like, I’m a person. Do you ever think there is more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking?”
Malcolm and every girl in the house start flirting. So that’s that.
MALCOLM: “I have ladies every day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…. The other days. You get it.”
He meets Diandra, who is wearing hoops so big that the Kardashian family is in awe. She’s like “if I start calling you Papi, I’m interested.” Good thing it sounds sexy in Spanish. If I started calling dudes “Daddy” they would immediately refer me to a therapist.
Keith and Alexis start bonding over lung disease and her possibly incestuous ways.
ALEXIS: So you have your cousins, and then your first cousins, and your cousins with teeth. They are all fair fucking game.
Apparently Alexis is trying to rid herself of the redneck stereotype but it’s hard to take her seriously when she’s downing Bud Light one second and chain smoking cigarettes the next.
Keith is like “you should stop smoking. How about every time you smoke I spank you?” Is this a Narcotics Anonymous-approved method of prevention? Also, Keith and Alexis look like the perfect Trump-voting couple.
KEITH: “How about every time you mention building the wall I smack my own ass, yeehaw.”
Theeeeennnn they start making out and talking about butt stuff, as one does 30 minutes after meeting someone. Off to the boom room they go to make more babies that Alexis’ cousin can possibly fuck.
Keith apparently rocks Alexis’ world and he’s like “yeah I have pretty good reviews on Yelp.” Which is a place for businesses so congrats, you’re an escort.
Michael and Keyana take the first shower makeout scene for me. She’s like “I’ve never met someone who asks me about myself” and it’s like, well how do you usually meet people? Does no one ask you, like, what your name is?
THE DATE
MTV has decided to get as close as possible to killing one of these cast members and takes them to a bar as their date. We’re really pushing these livers to the limit here.
Ethan is trying to make small talk with Keyana and she is acting like she would rather be lit on fire than be a kind of nice person to an overall really nice guy. He eventually is like “I get it, you like Michael.” And I swear to god she breathes a sigh of relief.
She says he “asked about her and he actually cared” and it’s like, really? It had nothing to do with the alcohol and fact that your hand was down his pants most of the time?
They are presented with booze and a jazz band comes in. They’re like “what are the odds you get shit faced and listen to jazz in New Orleans?!”
Audrey and Malcolm are hanging out and she’s like “you’re a player, I can tell” and he’s like “I’m 25 now! I’m serious now!” he says as he chugs alcohol on a reality show on national television.
He claims he isn’t a player anymore because a “female” cheated on him once and it hurt. Boo, sad story. Anyone who calls a girl a female is a hard no from me.
AUDREY: I hope he ends up being different then the guy I know he is and always has been.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
The house is debating who to put in the Truth Booth and Diandra is like “Malcolm looks like Trey Songz!” (which he does) and Nurys is like “YOU JUST WANNA FUCK HIM DON’T YOU?!” Okay there, I’m gonna need to you to pop a quick Xanax and take a lap for a second.
Nurys is like “I am a hugely aggressive girl for literally no reason and sometimes people don’t like me for that.” Hmm, wonder why.
TRUTH BOOTH
Ethan and Keyana go to the Truth Booth and Keyana is looking for the nearest knife to stick in her neck. She heard Mike has a neck fetish, so yeah.
Ethan and Keyana are like “we get it, we’re not compatible” and Keyana is thinking of getting it tattooed on her body. Let’s remember, they were voted in because they “both like music” which we all know, is a true stepping stone to a love connection.
Of course, they get a no match BUT that’s not the worst part of this whole thing. The WORST part is Keyana acting like a straight-up fucking bitch when they get a no match. I get it, you like Michael and you want to have his vanilla-ass babies so they can surf into the sunset and live a life full of missionary sex, HOWEVER you did not need to be like “YES, I’M PARTYING TONIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT A MATCH!!!”
That’s not a paraphrase made by me, that’s a quote and frankly, it’s a fucked up one. And that’s coming from a fucked up person.
Ethan’s like “I’ve never seen someone so excited to get away from me” and I think every single person watching (aka me and 15 people who read this recap) were either a) about to cry for this actual nice guy or b) so fucking annoyed with Keyana for acting like she’s soooo much better than him. Anyone with a chest tattoo is not at the liberty to belittle people. That is a job strictly reserved for me. Now that we got that lecture out of the way…
OTHER STUFF
Ethan starts downing red wine and freestyle rapping. Aka me on any given night.
They start playing a game of sexy truth or dare, because they are original like that.
Malcolm and Diandre make out, Clinton and Uche make out, Michael licks Keyana, it’s all pretty generic.
Shad or Chad or whatever his fucking name is asks Alexis to kiss everyone in the house and she’s like okay and says “mama didn’t raise no bitch.” Incredible. I want that on a cross stitch. She proceeds to make out with everyone. Just like her mama intended.
KEITH: “She’s a little wild and idk if I trust her.” Really? This is the hard line for you? Not when she implied that she fucks her cousins?
Geles and Michael bond over the fact that they have large Hispanic families and it’s like, who is going to send me some tamales? Hit me up.
Nurys is getting pissed because DD (Diandre) is still talking to Malcolm when she likes him. She’s like “DD is obviously insecure!” and it’s like, hmmm okay sweetie.
Second shower makeout session goes to DD and Malcolm. Really? Now it’s just getting cliché. Isn’t there a closet you can take this to?
Of course, the moment DD goes to sleep Nurys is like DGAF and her and Malcolm start making out. DAMN. Okay. That’s how it’s gonna be. Then he hops back into bed with DD.
MALCOLM: I’m not a player. I promise I’m not a player.
Okay, Big Pun. Anyway, see you all next week.
Yo, Betch Waldorf here. Resident Are You The One? expert at Betches *puts on LinkedIn bio* and overall extraordinary human being who likes to belittle her peers.
Even though I’ve taken a break from recapping AYTO, the herpes of reality shows is back and I just can’t make it go away. Who knows, maybe I will return to recapping? Donald Trump is President now, so my motto is “anything is possible.” Until then, I can at least introduce you to the new cast because I’m like, such a good friend.
GIRLS
ALEXIS
Currently wearing half the jewelry department from Lucky Brand. Once you notice she kinda looks like Velma from the Scooby Doo movies, you cannot un-see it. Jinkies, man.
ALIVIA
Ugh I hate people who spell their normal names abnormally. Special place in hell. She looks like she’ll be “one of the guys” this season—basically means she’s down for butt stuff.
AUDREY
Audrey’s going to be a fucking psycho, I know it. Have you ever met an Audrey that isn’t batshit insane? I rest my case.
DIANDRA
This girl will 100% get in a fight this season. Probably with Audrey. And you know what they say: the bigger the hoop, the bigger the hoe.
GELES
Not sure how to pronounce this, won’t even try. Poor man’s Mila Kunis.
JADA
Jada with the collarbone tattoo did not come to fuck with these hoes. She’s here to get some money and possibly a good dick along the way. I will most likely root for her.
KENYANA
Damn, what’s with all these crazy names? Y’all couldn’t get one Megan in this bitch? Keyana is going to probably be the forgettable one this season. Sorry sweetie, someone has to do it.
NICOLE
Nicole’s about to be so unimportant—girl couldn’t even get a cute poolside picture but instead had to settle for this old Myspace pic. Door behind her leads to the closet, where hopefully she can change into a better looking shirt, yikes.
NURYS
Okay, what in the fuck is this name? Is her name “nurse”? Huge boobs doe—probably going to be saving lots of male lives in the house.
UCHE NICOLE
Usually I don’t trust people with two first names—blame Justin Bobby—but I don’t technically count this as two first names because I’m pretty sure Uche is just a typo. She looks like the strategizing type. She’s def going to be calling out the no-match couples.
ZOE
Def going to be the snake of the house. I imagine she still calls her dad “Daddy”
BOYS
ANTHONY
Thinks he is a model. Probably will flip a table at some point in the series. One for the drama, for sure.
CLINTON
Most likely an aspiring artist/rapper/model of some kind (everyone here is, though). Will ask Zoe to also call him Daddy.
DAVID
Huge fuckboy. Has the IQ of his shoe size. Frequenter of the Boom Boom room, calls everyone “bro”
DIMITRI
A fucking snack pack. Will 100% be rooting for him. Don’t @ me.
ETHAN
Lovable, but probably going to make me very uncomfortable. Will be a really good friend to 100% of the girls.
JOE
Member of the band HAIM. Has better hair then all the women on this show. Probably good in bed though. What? You were thinking it.
KAREEM
His facial hair is more organized that our government. Takes longer than the girls to get ready. Probably going to have sex on the first day there. I most likely won’t like him, I can just tell.
KEITH
Sweet, stupid Keith. Voted for Trump and damn proud. Masturbates to the American Flag. Once asked someone how to spell “orange”
MALCOLM
Here for the money fasho. Will most likely create a shitty strategy that helps them win miraculously in the last episode.
MICHAEL
Looks like someone who tried to make it as a famous Youtuber. His necklace says Jesus but his sleeveless sweater says “DTF” on his Tinder profile.
TYLER
This dude looks more like Willow Smith than Willow Smith does.
SO, that’s it—22 new morons. Can’t wait for this season full of bitchy looking girls and their chode counterparts. Until then…
