‘Are You The One?’ Finale Recap: I Am Shooketh

Last week our band of degenerates got 9 beams. I don’t want to name anyone specifically but *cough, cough* SHANNON *cough* fucks up their whole plan and chooses Tyler instead of Joey because “her heart told her to”. It’s a goddam mess but did you really expect the girl who sounds like a fuckin’ Teletubby to make the smart decision?

So now it’s the finale. 9 beams before the last week is pretty fuckin’ legit, I gotta say. There was a small moment of pride I had for my peers, but then I remembered they willingly signed up for this show and my pride turns to sympathy.


AYTO Season 5

For the first time in AYTO history, the strategy worked and everyone is ready to turn the fuck up. Miracles happen in the strangest places.

Basically what they all agree is that the game has come down to 6 otherwise irrelevant people: Derrick, Cas, Shannon, Tyler, Hannah and Joey, who in case you may have forgotten, is a trashman. Just keeping you updated!

Derrick’s talking to Shannon about how she fucked everything up and she’s like “I STOOD MY GROUND!!!” Okay that’s cute and all, but this isn’t Barney anymore you pre-pubescent fuck, this is MONEY. You know, that thing adults use to live?

Shannon is basically like “I don’t like being told what to do.” Spoken like a true 6-year-old. She also tells Derrick she still loves Tyler and he’s like “DOPE.”

Tyler, however, is suddenly like “ugh I don’t like Shannon that much.” Hannah, Tee and the whole 16 viewers that watch this show are like “yeah, we know.”

Also remember when Rush Boobs and Ozzy were a thing? Yeah, that’s a thing again. *Vomits*

RUSHBOOBS EXPLAINING THEIR SEX TO HER PARENTS: We never got to explore our relationship!

RUSHBOOBS INTERNALLY: Cat’s gotta eat ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Rushboobs is like “we finally got rid of the sexual tension!” Oh thank sweet baby Jesus you did! I’m sure the rest of the house was like “how are we ever going to exist with this sexual tension around?!” You’re a goddam martyr, really.


AYTO Season 5

The final challenge is for the dudes and Ryan creatively calls it “Eat, Vomit, Love.” I think the thing the cast members are most excited about is never having to forcefully laugh at one of Ryan’s dad jokes ever again.

Basically, Ryan is going to read descriptions of the ladies and the dudes have to figure out who he’s talking about. If they want to date her, they have to eat whatever Ryan gives them. And we all know MTV doesn’t give a fuck about their contestant’s health so they’re fasho gonna feed them some nasty-ass shit.

MTV PRODUCERS TO DOCTORS: Will this kill them?

DOCTOR: No, but it might cause—

MTV PRODUCER: Feed them it.

The boys are like, “hmmm huge problem, I don’t actually like any of these girls.” Can the whole “date” thing be optional? Either way, the two dudes who eat everything go the dates.

Derrick, Joey and Tyler need to win. That’s it. That’s the whole plan. Like marbles, meet one basket. Because that always works out.

The first treat is a smoothie made of fish guts. Sounds like some Whole 30 shit.


The hint for the first girl is that she likes football and chicken wings. She also probably says “I’m not like other girls” a lot. And it’s also Cas.

Of course, Joey just looooooves Cas but he hates fish. Joey downs the smoothie in legit 15 seconds and immediately starts vomiting into a trashcan that he’ll need to empty after the show.

The next clue is “I like to go skydiving and be adventurous.” Something that vague and childish sounds exactly like some shit Shannon would say, so Derrick is like FUCK IT and eats a bunch of pig skin.

Please remember that a) Derrick HAS to get Shannon otherwise this is a bust and b) Joey is a trashman.

When Ryan reveals who the girls are at the end, we find out he won a date with Tee. But they can’t go into the Truth Booth again, because of last week’s trade. So now, Joey and Cas are the only couple that can go into the truth booth and everyone is fucked.

Isn’t this fun?!


AYTO Season 5

Tee decides to set up a date for Jaylan because he’s probably her match. Seems a little forced but Tee’s gotta show Jaylan the ropes on how to get airtime.

TEE: So see Jaylan, this is a camera. I know it’s new to you, but it follows the rest of us around the house.

Tee talks about how he’s genuine and is the perfect person for her and I’m getting a very strong brother-sister vibe from them. Could be wrong, but I doubt it.

Rushboobs and Ozzy are talking about the boom boom room, because the saying “don’t kiss and tell” doesn’t apply when you’ve fucked. I think the most concerning part about all of this is that a girl I call “Rushboobs” in casual conversation will move on to educate the youth of America. Somewhere, in her private jet fueled by the tears of underpaid teachers everywhere, Betsy DeVos is smiling.

But guess who happens to listen into this conversation—good ole’ Gianna, who sits behind walls drumming her man hand fingers together like:


For the first time, I lowkey agree with Gianna (don’t @ me) as she goes to give Hannah a heads up. Like, I would want to know if the dude I’m fucking is fucking other girls. In my mind, this is Ozzy’s and Rushboob’s fault, not Gianna’s. Again, don’t @ me.

Hannah straight-up does not believe Gianna when she tells her and Gianna’s like “okay bitch, you gonna learn today.”

Hannah confronts Ozzy about his feelings for Rushboobs and he’s like “I feel comfortable with her.” Yeah well I feel comfortable in my IKEA couch—doesn’t mean I fuck it.

Hannah’s like “did you have sex?” and he’s like YUP. Well, that was easy. Hannah is like “YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE!! YOU ARE NOT WHO I THOUGHT YOU WERE!!” And it’s like what? Were you absent when he hooked up with Alicia? Because I can refer you to my recap of that episode if you need a reminder. Also, remember Joey is STILL a trashman.

Hannah’s like “wait I kissed Joey and you got mad. But you fucked Rushboobs and I can’t say shit!” Damn, that gender-based double standard though.

Hannah goes and cries in a closet. This whole show should just be filmed in a closet for god’s sake.


AYTO Season 5

Tee, Derrick, Cas and Joey go on the date, which is on a yacht. They all are so excited to be doing something that they’ve only seen in movies. Joey can’t even spell yacht, so there really is a lot happening.

Joey talks about how badly he feels for hooking up with Hannah last episode and Cas is like “It’s cool, you’re so great. You’re such a good person.” Cas puts a whole new meaning to cheap date. You can cheat on and betray this girl all you want, but give the bitch a ham sandwich and she’s happy. Kinda reminds me of that book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.”

I don’t remember the rest. Joey’s lisp made my ears start to ring.


AYTO Season 5

Ryan comes up and before they can start Michael is like “HEY BEFORE WE DO THE TRUTH BOOTH, WHO THINKS TYLER LIKES SHANNON?” Everyone looks around and I swear to god you can hear paint dry from a distance.

Real picture of Tyler pretending to be surprised:

Pretend Shocked

Shannon is like “I’m sorry but like, I followed my heart.” We get it, you’re dumb.

Joey and Cas go to the Truth Booth, but then Ryan introduces the Truth Booth trade to everyone.

It’s a ballsy move, because it’s not confirmed that they are a no match. And if they are a no match, well that makes their odds of winning much, much greater. But this is why I’m not on the show, because I have a fucking brain.


But everyone else is stupid so they take the trade. Ugh, these people.

After the truth booth, Shannon is like “Wow, Derrick is actually really cool.” Like how much did producers have to pay you to say that? She’s practically cringing the whole time.


AYTO Season 5 Finale

The boys get to pick tonight. Also, has anyone else noticed it’s unfair they get 10 matchups and have 11 couples? Anyways.

Hayden and Carolina tell everyone they had sex because seriously nothing is sacred in this house. Gianna is like “THEY DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER. NO ONE LOVES HAYDEN LIKE I DO.” If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I would probably have more money than the $800,000 they might win.

Michael is up first and is sweating up a storm. He feels bad for not giving these girls enough attention and I feel bad for not getting his attention. Wtf dude is a catch.

He picks KARI and they think they are 100% a beam.

Ozzy’s up and now understands how fucked up he’s been his whole life. He’s going to repent for his sins on national television because that’s what all truly humble people do. He picks Gianna, basically pairing off the two annoying people and killing two birds with one stone. Thanks MTV!

Mike gets a 4 seconds of air time and picks Alicia. He said he learned a lot this season—mostly to stop being a fucking hoe. So again, thanks MTV!

Ryan tells them to kiss and Alicia looks like she legit might projectile vomit just thinking about touching Mike. Damn Ryan, back at it again with the forcing of physical contact.

Joey is like “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.” And it’s like, we know, sweetheart. Shhhh, it’ll be okay. Again, he’s dressed like a 13-year-old. Did he just rob a fucking junior high Lost and Found before this show?


Joey picks Hannah, who hates Ozzy because she’s a strong independent woman 29% of the time. She’s like “I’m moving on!” and it’s like, well the show is over so…. Generally that’s how that works.

Ozvaldo and Taylor, who I don’t think would touch each other even if they were the last humans on earth.

Tee and Jaylan.

Tyler and Cas as a perfect match. Eeeeek I don’t feel good about that one.

Andre and Rushboobs. Could never see that literally ever. Rushboobs is like “I see how he treats the girl he actually likes, so this makes me proud.” Damn, that’s depressing.

Derrick is last and picks Shannon. They feel 100% confident and he gives her his Jesus necklace. Damn, we’re getting religious now. People give him a standing ovation like he just gave a fucking performance rather than take off a piece of jewelry and hand it to another human.

Welp, the power of Christ compels you I guess. As a Jew, I’m pretty confident this is not going to work out.

Sips Tea

Ryan is like “is this 100%?” and Derrick is like “EVERYONE IS CONFIDENT!!!!” Um, I’m not and I’m the most important person that has anything to do with this show. I was not consulted in this decision and I take no responsibility.

They are down to the last three beams and remember, they switched them all up and Joey’s a trashman.

We’re waiting for the other beams… Still waiting…. Oh my fucking holy sweet Jesus




Holy Shit


Everyone storms off the stage or is crying or shocked and holy shit THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION, AMIRIGHT?

BUT WAIT, there’s more! A reunion special is up next. Holy shit it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks MTV!

Sorry season 5, y’all a bunch of broke bitches. Off to recap the reunion and drown myself in red wine.

Continue on to our first ever Are You The One: Second Chances recap here!
‘Are You The One?’ Recap: A Two-For-One Deal

Hello everyone. I would like to formally not apologize for missing last week’s recap—the episode was shit and we all know it. I think it’s our job, as viewers and over-confident recap writers, to hold MTV to a higher standard of television. Also I got drunk and forgot to send the email to the editors BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.

Lucky for you I can make up for it in this hybrid recap—where I will casually mention things from last episode in this one as well. So for the cast members who hit me up on the ‘gram, chill the fuck out. You’ll get your turn on the recaps (except you Jaylan, sorry dude) *whispers* you ungrateful bastards.

In a not shocking turn of events—they got four matches again. I feel like I’m having déjà vu—but I also hit my head on a toilet seat the other night (the same night I forgot to send the email) and may be suffering from minor head trauma. #prayforme

Alicia confronts Hannah for calling her a whore at the match-up ceremony. *note from last week* this is all following Ozzy and Hannah being a confirmed no match and Alicia immediately trying to fuck Ozzy, in typical thot fashion.

As much as I want to agree with Hannah, because I hate Alicia, Hannah did the exact same shit when Alicia and Andre didn’t match…. But THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!!!! 

Alicia is like “I DID ONE THING WRONG AND EVERYONE IS MAD AT ME!” To that I say:

People Don't Forget

Everyone is watching while Alicia is both screaming and squatting at the same time. Fitness doesn’t rest, amiright? All the yelling really does wonders for her abs.

Alicia mentions her fucking punctuation every other word. “DO NOT. PERIOD. TALK TO ME. PERIOD. EVER. EXCLAMATION POINT. “ We get it Alicia, you know how construct sentences. Congrats on graduating the fourth grade, skank EXCLAMATION POINT.



You Keep Using That Word

Ozzy’s just here to get his dick wet and win a few thousand bucks to get his ass onto the mainland so he’s like, whatever.

Andre and Derrick are being gay for each other even though two weeks ago they were almost fist fighting, #tbt.

Andre basically tells Derrick and Taylor that he’s in love with Taylor and everyone collectively loses their fucking minds. Like, wow, love?!? What a fucking bizarre thought I mean, really? What is this—a dating show?!

TAYLOR: This is a lot to think about




The challenge is outdoors, it’s pouring rain and Tee’s weave is getting messed up. I haven’t seen this kind of terror since the Bowling Green Massacre.

This challenge tests what each person values most and they have to dig their prioirites out of the fucking mud and arrange them in order of importance. This is some Stanley Yelnats shit.

RYAN DEVLIN: And after you dig, you must carry Madam Zeroni up the mountain.

They all pair up. Hayden is suddenly into Carolina because the producers are def telling him to be and Ozzy goes with Alicia because he has a death wish.

Joey is just starting there to start a mud fight—he feels more at home when he’s covered in dirt, ya know?

Some other couples include KARI and Derrick and Michael and Hannah. Random enough. So random, IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

First place is Andre and Taylor with 5 matches. Love is real everyone, tell your friends.

Derrick and KARI get the second date. How many dates has KARI won? Like, has she even been in the house? And none for Hayden and Carolina, bye!

Ryan’s like “GREAT NEWS—we’re releasing you all from captivity for a night of unsafe binge drinking and exploitation from the television channel.” Aka a party.

They all freak out because they haven’t seen the real world in weeks. Are cars still a thing? Do people still walk on their two legs? To be discovered.



Let’s start out by saying that either Joey’s lisp or my minor head injury is making me dizzy. I think it’s the speech impediment.

They start pouring shots and the slutty dancing montage begins. I’m sure this is their parents’ favorite part.

Good ole’ Gianna is rubbing her giant man hands up and down Michael and it’s a little vomit-inducing. Meanwhile Hayden is chatting it up with Carolina, who is fucking hammered.


Carolina AYTO

Carolina is comparing her loyalty to her lovers to Hayden’s loyalty to Gianna… which like, is a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it works out for her.

Hayden gives props to Carolina for persevering through the bullshit that is his relationship/existence and decides to reward her with a makeout session. How fucking noble of him. That Hayden—he’s a giver!

Hayden has one makeout session and is suddenly captain macho, both regaining his balls and dignity for Gianna’s abnormally large grasp. I haven’t seen a transformation this amazing since Ysma turned Kuzco into a llama.

Gianna is like “WHAT THE FUCK. How dare Hayden look at another girl?” Carolina, watch your back.

You In Danger

Michael is like “I have a connection with Gianna” which is a weird way of saying “I will literally do or say anything to get some airtime.”

Scary masked men come to the party to steal Tiffany and Brittney Wilson from the fashion show and everyone starts dancing.

While Ozzy and Hannah are sitting in the corner saying “I love you” after two weeks, Alicia is plotting every possible way she can lure him into the trap she affectionately calls “her vagina”.

Meanwhile, Andre and Taylor are the first couple of the season to make out naked in the ocean! There is always one and we’ve waited all season for it. Good work, everyone! So can I stop writing these recaps now?

Alicia decides to literally let her bathing suit fall off her in order to convince Ozzy he “needs this ass”. So far, they seem to have a pretty genuine connection. I’m sure his mother is going to love her!

Ozzy tells Alicia she’s sexy and Hannah’s like “THIS IS ALL ALICIA’S FAULT!!!”

Hannah’s logic be like:



GLOBAL WARMING: Alicia’s fault

Ozzy and Alicia legit start making out while her coot coot is out. Groundbreaking stuff, y’all.

Michael is like, more than willing to help his homie Hannah fuck up Alicia’s nasty-ass makeout session and picks her up by the fucking vag and plops her onto the ocean. Get you a man who can talk about “values and genuine connections” one minute and then grab a girl by her vag the next. Our president would be so proud!

MICHAEL: I’m helpful. I care about people. I’m empathetic.

ALSO MICHAEL: I hated being an EMT because old people are the fucking worst. Like, why are they so old?

Hannah confronts Ozzy and is like “you’re a piece of shit.” FINALLY. Ozzy is like “my b. luv u tho!” Hannah tells him it’s over and that he needs to find some other dumb bitch to get his green card from. Womp womp.



The date is cliff diving and KARI is wearing wedges. Extra AF.

They are shocked that the cliff they are jumping off is high which is like saying “I’m shocked the ocean has waves.” Everyone jumps off instead of KARI.


No From Me

Derrick tries to go with her to a lower spot to jump and KARI’s like “stop trying to make cliff diving happen! It’s never going to happen!”

On the date, Taylor reveals that she has been cheated on in every relationship and Andre is like “NOPE, NOT MY STYLE.” Which is like, refreshing AF. They tell each other they love each other and I’m like, this is good. Too good.

This will end up badly, I just know it. Call it “reality show recapper intuition.” It’s very real. It’s like I have a sixth sense or something. My breasts can always tell when it’s raining AND WHEN BAD SHIT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Wow, a second topless water makeout session? Andre and Taylor are the real stars of this show.



Prior to getting to the truth booth, Ryan has to meet his quota of stirring the pot at least 3 times. If he gets two people to curse at each other he gets a bonus!

Hannah calls out Ozzy/Alicia and Ozzy’s like “I love Hannah.” Look, I know you’re foreign, but here in America that’s not love. And here in Trump’s America, you need to stay the fuck away from us.

Andre and Taylor go to the truth booth and I am stressed the fuck out. I haven’t had this much anxiety since the election and we all know how that worked out.

The cast gets offered the truth booth challenge because MTV is a bunch of donkey dicks.

Gianna is advocating for the money because of course she fucking is. If she can’t have love NO ONE CAN *she breaks Ryan’s neck using the force of her pinkies*

Tyler is like “ARE YOU DUMB?” Seriously, I want everyone to write me a letter and tell me if they are mentally ill. They need to find the matches first and then worry about the money.

Majority of the house goes with no trade and Ryan’s like “you passed on money for love”, which shit, when he says it like that, goes against everything I stand for.

I’m sweating. I’m freaking out. They look so happy but I just feel like….

Omg. It’s a NO MATCH.

My heart is in shambles. I’m feeling really dizzy and I don’t think it’s the head injury. Send help.

Taylor immediately goes into rage mode and is like I HATE ALL OF YOU. Lol same.

They both say they are not going to separate and everyone is like “WHY THO.” Hayden and Gianna are like “WHO TOLD THEM THIS IS OKAY! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.” Pot, meet Kettle.

Taylor and Andre are like “tell us where to go and we’ll like, go there I guess.” Idk. Everyone is like, “oh we’re so fucked.”



Ryan gently reminds the house that, indeed, they are so fucked.

Cas is up first and she picks Andre. He’s pretty much acting like she doesn’t exist while saying “I’m dating Taylor.” Rough life for little irrelevant Cas.


Don't Look At Me

Alicia is like “I feel like I’m in the same boat as Cas.” Oh yeah, why don’t you take that boat back to your home on whore island?!

Ryan asks Ozzy about Hannah and how they are and he’s like “uh, uh, uh.” LOOK OZZY, we already have Joey on this show. We don’t need another speech impediment, mmkay?

OZZY: It’s been difficult for me to move on

RYAN: Yeah, two week relationships are hard like that

Ozzy and Alicia are together. Goodie.

Shannon and Tyler.

Taylor and Ozvaldo… wait what? They’re like “we’ve actually spoken once”. I’ve literally spoken to the barista at Starbucks more.

They have “no spark” which is code for “everyone knows Ozvaldo is gay.”

Ozvaldo remains the ultimate homie by saying he doesn’t want to fuck up Andre and Taylor’s thing—not like that was ever going to happen.

KARI and Derrick.

Rush Boobs and Joey.

Jaylan and Tee.

Hannah and Michael. Two giants taking on the world together.

Hannah is like “I don’t deserve this shit from Ozzy” and Ryan is like “you go girl.” Ryan is like, fasho a feminist.

Also, Michael looks like he could play the character of a random bouncer in a Law and Order SVU episode. Or the sex offender. Whatever.

Gianna picks Little Mike. Nothing makes Gianna’s dick harder than midgets.

Carolina and Hayden. Hayden says there may be potential and Caroline mumbles something into the distance.

Good news: No blackout. Bad news: 4 beams again

Remember when they were excited about four beams? #Tbt to week 3.

Ryan’s like “you guys are not doing this right” and it’s like WOW THANKS FOR THAT THRILLING INPUT. Kam encourages everyone to get sober and get to know each other, which like, why on earth would they do that?

Two things can happen next week—a miracle occurs and Jaylan gets 5 seconds of air time. OR they can continue to fuck this up.

Can’t wait to see more of you, Jaylan!

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So Bad For Them But I’m Doing Fine

Well, it’s Wednesday night and I’m a bottle of wine in. It’s time to love myself like that Hailee girl told me to and turn on some Are You The One?. Because nothing is better for your self-confidence then to watch other people fail. Miserably.

Last year Sam’s mom got in touch with me and this year it’s Gianna’s brother. Who will be next to defend their loved ones on the recaps? Carolina’s great aunt? Stay tuned!


Are You The One

Shocker, they all start binge drinking. Can’t wait to see how much weight they all gain by the end of the season.

Little Mike is talking to Casandra about all the things he likes to do. These hobbies include taking long walks on the beach, gelling his hair and taking a daily measurement of his penis. His growth spurt is coming, okay?!

Casandra literally looks like a bobblehead and is like OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

Little Mike: I LOVE LAMP

Mike wants to get to know Cas but also low-key hates her for having a family and being #blessed. He legit calls her a daddy’s girl to her face and she’s not even phased. He starts talking about how his mom is broke and his dad is crazy and I’m like, woah, did I change the channel accidentally to This Is Us? This shit is way too heavy for me rn.

If I could describe the house in three words that they all could understand it would be: Drunk. Horny. Stupid. In that order. Because they aren’t planning on getting a real job any time after this, they decide to throw an underwear party.

Ozzy is like “Kathryn is very sexy, idk what it is about her that I like.” He says as she grinds on him in her underwear. Hmmm, I wonder what it could be that makes you like her?

They start making out and he tells her that tomorrow is his birthday. So obviously she has to have sex with him because of THE IMPLICATION. (Name that reference and I will marry you.)

Tyler and Taylor are both like “hey this underwear party is fucking gross” and I’m like FUCK YA TEAM NORMAL PEOPLE. 

Tyler is like “everyone is acting trashy and I’m trying to better myself.” Woah, ok. Profound. Tyler def got lost on the way to Jeopardy auditions and ended up on AYTO. Either that or he’s a fucking narc.

Apparently nothing makes Tyler’s dick harder than belittling the people you live with and he starts making out with Taylor. Overall, v hot couple.

Then the camera pans out to literally everyone just hooking up. Are You the One?, brought to you by Trojan Condoms.


Are You The One

The game starts with everyone being blindfolded and the boys tied up, which is coincidentally also the first scene of Fifty Shades Darker.

The girls have to smell the guys and untie the one they want to take on a date. Because that’s normal. The first three couples to finish go on a date.

The girls start sniffing and falling more than cokeheads at an EDM concert.

Kari has some big-ass eyes so every time she talks she looks fucking crazy. Actually, she kind of looks like me when I’m high but I’m pretending that I’m not high so I’m overly opening my eyes. Idk, just trying to create a visual. 

Kari’s like “I STUDIED NEUROSCIENCE ONCE IN COLLEGE, PHEROMONES ARE REAL.” Yeah, no one said they weren’t…#Science.

KARI: This one time, in my neuroscience class

Kari picks Joey the trashman, who I thought smells like shit but I guess not.

Hannah picks Tyler and is like “wow, this blindfold makes it so hard to see. I totally respect blind people.” Wow, I’m sure blind people everywhere feel so fucking complimented. Like “look mom, that girl on TV understands my daily struggle for 3 minutes!”

They can still hear you being a dumbass, you know.

Alicia smells Andre because he, and I quote, “smells like Fritios.” This is like the cheapest advertisement Fritos has ever had. Also, Andre it’s time to get some new cologne.

Andre/Alicia, Joey/Kari and Hannah/Tyler all win and they are going to go windsurfing. Thrilling.


Gianna apologizes to Hayden for being a low-key bitch last week and he’s already well settled into his home on friendzone island.

Michael walks by and Gianna is like hanging on Hayden. Michael is very over it and Gianna is like HE’S MY MATCH I KNOW IT. Fuck, okay.

Kam and Eddie are flirting and being cute and idk I like them so they better not fuck this up for me.

MY MOM: I like the girl with the grey-ish, purple-ish hair
ME: Literally their names are at the bottom of the screen.

Carolina is very upset that Joey the trashman is going on a date with KARI (her name will be in all caps now because her eyes just make me feel some type of way). Carolina starts crying and she’s like “if you’re not my match what is my purpose?!” In the distance you can hear me screaming “IT’S WEEK TWO YOU DUMB BITCH.”


Andre is the only one who can windsurf and Hannah’s like “oh Daddy.” In the words of our President-Elect, everyone else is a bunch of losers. Huge losers! Failing at wind surfing! All talk, no action!

KARI is being really nice to Joey and saying he’s fun and she’s excited to be there and he’s like “ACTUALLY I’m into Carolina.” Woah. Okay, I know KARI may kind of look like Crazy Eyes but she seems nice and she’s actually being genuine. So in my drunken state rn I am very mad for her.

Joey has officially moved to my shit list. And I don’t even mean that because he’s a trashman. Where he quite literally has to pick up shit. Get it? I’ll see myself out.


Andre and Alisha seem to be getting along but IDK, they kinda act like little children. They talk a big game about how they are really into each other but I just can’t see it. And I’m pretty much a fucking expert at this show.

And none for Tyler and Hannah, bye!


Are You The One

Andre and Alicia to the booth because the house isn’t fully brain-dead. Everyone Is like “THEY ARE SO STRONG! THEY’RE IN LOVE AFTER A WEEK.”

See, you say strong, I say fucking crazy.

And guess what, I’m right motherfuckers—NO MATCH.

Alicia starts crying and saying she doesn’t want to be here. Damn, okay then fly tf outta here, what?
Hannah is like “HEY I KNOW YOUR HEART JUST BROKE, BUT I’M GONNA GO AFTER ANDRE.” It’s all about the subtle game. Hannah, could you like, chill your hoe ass down for a sec?

You Need To Chill

Hannah and Andre are talking and he’s like “I knew we weren’t a match” and I’m everyone at home is like wait… you just told Alicia… man, that’s fucked up.

Andre and Hannah start making out because #drama.

Alicia starts flipping the fuck out and is like “YOU’RE A LIAR AND A FLIRTER AND A MINGLER!!!”

What’s a mingler? Just someone who mingles? I feel like that’s real nondescript. I’m going to need a full definition plz. DM me.

Andre’s like “THESE GIRLS ARE CATCHING FEELINGS!” Uh, it’s not just girls. Joey’s over here acting like a baby back bitch.

Hoes, am I right?


Are You The One

The boys get to pick tonight and this ought to be a shit show because none of them strike me as scholars.

Oswaldo picks KARI. Random, don’t care.

Ozzy picks Kathryn because he wants that birthday sex. Ozzy’s like “she makes me feel like home.” Uh, Ozzy that’s because you are home. You’re a local, your house is like, down the street.

Jaylen picks Kam, fucking up the thing she had with Eddie.

Eddie picks Shannon, womp womp.

Derrick pity picks Alicia.

Hayden, who is sporting a pair of capris, picks Taylor. Obviously Taylor wants to be with Tyler so this is def a surprise. She actually says those exact words and Hayden has now purchased a summer home on friendzone island.

Tyler says something fucking stupid about how “Hayden is doing him a favor”? Idk his foot is so far up his mouth and Taylor’s like 3 seconds away from putting her foot in his ass. So much for team normal.

Andre picks Hannah. Alicia is like “IT IS WHAT IT IS” but also wants to murder Hannah.

Michael caves and picks Gianna. WTF.

Joey picks Carolina and they kiss because THEY ARE DUMB THAT’S WHY.

Mike picks Casandra because she’s his uptown girl.

Tyler picks Tee and they both are like, “Welp. Fuck me right?”

Okay, so this is sketch. Not looking so hot for them rn.

We’re waiting for beams and I’m drinking, thinking “no fucking way are they going to blackout. It’s only week 2.” But in the words of President-Elect: The polls were wrong! The experts were wrong! Sad!


They all lost half a million dollars. I’m laughing but it’s a nervous laugh because now they all are going to be on suicide watch or something.

Everyone has to deal with the fact that the person they are with is not their match. No Mike/Cas, Ozzy/Kathryn, Gianna/Michael, Joey/Carolina or Hannah/Andre. WOW. Major blow. I’m loving this.

A sad song starts playing and people start crying. Damn, this just got as depressing as Mike’s family life.