Well fam, we made it. The season finale of Are You The One: Second Chances. We’ve had a lot of ups, downs, and very underwhelming moments (mostly that last one), but here we are, ready to watch the final three teams take it all. I swear to God if MTV starts this episode with a montage of how far each couple has come, I’m throwing myself out the nearest window. Which incidentally is a mere two feet from me.
WELP it happened even before the theme song sequence, so see y’all beyond the grave. MTV, welcome to your tape.
Blah blah blah the first few minutes are just each team trash-talking. Then Karamo comes into the house to pay them a visit in person. Well, that’s new.
They have to take a taxi (you already know what I’m gonna say), go to the top of the tallest building, and then find Karamo at some lighthouse.
DAMN THE THIRD PLACE COUPLE LOSES EVERYTHING. How much do you think Shanley and Adam are both kicking themselves right now? I tell you, one person hits steal, the other person hits share and you promise to split the money 50/50.
Devin: We have $120,000 in our bank right now and if we get another $50,000 that will bring us to $170,000.
Yes Devin, thanks for explaining how basic addition works.
It wouldn’t be an episode of AYTO: Second Chances without a dumbs pre-rehearsed song from Devin and Rashida, so thanks for that. Please do not send me your mixtape.
Morgan is in fucking Australia and he went to a tanning bed? Dude. Delete your account. Ok whatever let’s get to the actual challenge part. They’re at the top of a building and have to locate some symbol on some building using binoculars.
Tori is already starting to break down which isn’t a good sign. I’m rooting for you, we’re all rooting for you!
The next step is a giant hedge maze that kinda looks like something you’d find at Villa Rosa. Is Lisa Vanderpump gonna pop out of the bushes? Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised.
Shanley trying to open this box and being like “yo why won’t you open, this is not funny” was me trying to open a combination suitcase this evening.
Shanley: ADAM! LISTEN TO ME! COME BACK!
Adam: Yes, mom.
Shanley would sooner believe that Adam lied to her about how many serious relationships he’s been in than the possibility that she could have gotten it wrong. Andddd this is why she sucks as a match, teammate, etc. Meanwhile Tori has completed her part of the maze challenge and Morgan has not even started.
Tori: You’re still not at the box? How hard could it be to find it?
Morgan: It’s a maze!
Spoken by many a fuckboy.
Adam and Shanley’s silent car ride while Adam does deep breathing exercises is everything.
Shanley and Adam approach the rocks challenge thing and Shanley is like “think of me the whole time” and Adam’s like “yeah I will” *inner Adam* “thinking of how much I fucking hate you, you bitch.
Adam and all of us:
Shanley is literally yelling at Adam because she’s not “thinking like him.”
Shanley: Adam, I’m not gonna change anything. You do it.
This. Fucking. Bitch. Tho. Shanley is every bad girlfriend stereotype who gets mad at her boyfriend because he can’t read her mind. Thank goodness one of the challenges isn’t to pick somewhere your partner wants to eat because Shanley and Adam would be beyond fucked.
Adam can’t even hear Shanley; she’s literally sitting and waiting for Adam to do something but he can’t even hear her. I hope your pride is worth it, Shanley. Cause your stubborn ass is about to lose all the money for both of you.
Shanley is literally yelling and calling Adam a piece of shit. Hey Adam, when this is all over, call me. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. No one does.
Shanley: I never give up on anything. I’m so competitive.
Shanley 10 seconds ago: Adam! I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING! I’M GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE!
Devin and Rashida win the final??? Fuck. This sucks. How did this happen? Again. Morgan. Tori. See below:
So it’s 9:30pm and we already know who won. Is this gonna be a half hour episode? How is MTV gonna fill the rest of the time? Have they just given up? Most importantly: Can I go now?
BUT THERE’S A FINAL TWIST. Ohhhh shit. THEY HAVE TO FACE THE CHOICE. Yeah, I should have seen this coming.
Tori and Morgan get second. ADAM YOU SHOULD HAVE STOLEN SHANLEY’S FUCKING MONEY. Aghhh they fucking cut Morgan and Tori’s bank in half? What a rip-off. MTV is getting cheap. Like, y’all saved a cool mill by not rigging season 5 of AYTO and giving them the money so you couldn’t shell out for the full value of Morgan and Tori’s bank?
Shanley and Adam lose, no fucking shit. Shanley’s immediate reaction is “You can write it off, we’re not friends.” U mad, bro?
So Adam and Shanley have no money but they still have to go to the choice? That’s fucking bleak.
Adam, I think you’ve got a nice career ahead of you on The Challenge.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Shanley walks in on Adam’s conversation and is bitching at him as usual. I mean, why change now, I guess?
Adam: Dude just fucking get out of here. I feel terrible for whoever has to deal with you on a daily basis.
YES. There he is! It took all season but Adam finally found his balls.
I would really just love to get an invite to live on whatever planet Shanley is currently inhabiting, cause it ain’t Earth. “It’s Adam’s fault we lost even though I literally sat my ass out for the last part of the challenge”… text me your dealer.
Devin’s playing like he’s gonna steal the money but I’m not buying it for one minute tbh.
Devin: Ugh I wish Rashida wasn’t such a great person because stealing the money would be the most Devin thing I could do.
It’s a struggle I face daily: be a good person, or stay true to my personal brand?
Tori: Rashida, I’m scared for you. I wasn’t gonna say anything, but…
YOU LYIN’ ASS. This is a setup if I’ve ever seen one.
Tori is that girl who’s like “No I promise babe I’m not mad.” *10 minutes later* “I just think it’s funny how…”
Karamo: Morgan and Tori, how did you celebrate getting second place?
Karamo, you little minx! You know very well they smashed.
The whole “Devin saying he’d steal thing” comes up. Rashida’s like “I just think it’s funny how you told everyone else you were gonna steal.”
Devin: But it’s irritating that they’re accusing me of manipulating.
Karamo: But you do call yourself a master manipulator tho.
Devin: Yes and it’s my manipulating that got me into this seat.
I’m lost. I give up.
Karamo’s explaining how the choice works. This is the final, homie. If they don’t have it down by now they deserve to get robbed.
There’s legit no way Devin’s hitting steal. And Rashida has too much blind devotion to do it. I’m calling it right now.
Rashida: Devin you know me. I’m always giving and loving and I would never steal from you.
Devin: On the short list of most amazing females I’ve met in my entire life, you’re on it. I’ll never steal from you. You’re my heart, I love you, and I wouldn’t have done this for anybody else.
Ok, I’m not crying. You’re crying!
Devin says 85K is a lot but it’s not life-changing money but 170K is? Like, how rich are you that 85K is not making a dent for you? And can I take a donation?
Devin chooses… and they take a fucking pause to show Rashida crying, come the fuck on!
Devin chooses… SHARE! Aw, I knew it. Good for them. But also, fuck you Devin for making Rashida and all of us squirm like that.
It’s pretty fucked up that Morgan and Tori get second and they only get 25K. Like, I guess they save the big second place prizes for the real challenges?
Karamo: Adam and Shanley, y’all are going home broke.
Ya thanks for rubbing it in. Karamo, no chill.
Adam: This house brings out the best in some people and the worst in SOME PEOPLE *looks at Shanley*
Anddd that’s it for this season. I kinda wish they’d do a reunion, but I’m sure as hell not recapping it. See you guys next season, provided I’m not cast on Are You The One.
Not going to lie to you all, I sort of forgot everything that happened last week on AYTO: Second Chances. But I’m sure the exact same shit is going to play out in an identical manner this episode, so here we go!
I’d just like to say, am I the only one who thinks this house looks like a Sims house? It legit doesn’t look real. Anywho.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Everyone’s pouring one out for the homies, Asaf and Kaylen.
Devin’s like “Tori got in Morgan’s head and mind fucked him and that’s why he gave up $75K”
That’s literally the point of the game, you sexist fuck.
Devin: If you win the final you’re gonna share like a pussy and end up with less money than you could have had tonight.
Rashida calls Tori a professional finesser. Why, because she voted against you one time?
Cam telling Mikala she’s been killing it like “I’m so I’m so I’m so proud of you.” WHY the fuck did they break up? Somebody has to tell me. Because they are a cuter couple than my own parents rn. Sorry mom and dad.
Ugh I forgot that Alicia is still happening. And by still happening I mean on this show/alive.
Alicia: It just goes to show you if you really put in the time and work with someone you can get to the level of cuddling in a bed.
And yet she is STILL like “you know you gotta romance me, right?” Bitch you JUST SAID…. Neverfuckingmind. I give up.
So today they’re shooting a video that showcases their relationship. The fuck kinda Campus Moviefest bullshit is this?
They’re gonna show the movies to a bunch of locals and I really hope it’s the same sourpusses as the ones who got the gifts. RIP Asaf and Kaylen, they would have made the funniest movie.
Tori: If we could buy cotton candy or ice cream at this place I think that would be great for our movie and also my stomach.
Shandy is describing a porno. “I’m getting all greasy working on a car and you’re just standing there watching me work.” Uh, yay feminism?
I legit can’t believe a fucking auto shop is the best location MTV could secure. Maybe if you don’t spend all your production budget on a cartoon house next time…
Adam and Shannon are fighting and Adam’s just like “calm down” which is the worst thing to say to a woman who’s pissed off.
Mikala somehow manages to throw a temper tantrum and act all negative in the middle of the aquarium. Like, how? Nemo didn’t get lost for you to act all grumpy.
Devin and Rashida are on a boat and their movie involves songs. Oh here we go. BRB gonna go kill myself listening to this Disney shit. Rashida actually has a good voice while Devin sounds like the one Chainsmoker who thinks he can sing.
Tori: I pretty much force Mordan to go with my idea.
The marker of a good relationship.
UGH Alicia is from New Jersey?? Yeah that explains why she sucks so much. We figured it out, guys! Everybody can go home now.
Shanley is like “I totally get why we’re matches because if we weren’t I’d just be a bitch constantly.” Aw, romance!
All these movies are met by laughter. Seems appropriate.
Local: It was funny because it was so lame.
^Describes a vast majority of my dates tbfh.
Adam and Stanley get third place… somehow. Devin and Rashida get second. Cam and Mikala get first! Yay, mom and dad!
And the couple that came in last is… Mike and Alicia. Who’s surprised? No one? Okay.
Damn, if you lose you get your bank account cut in half? Since when is that a thing? Karamo, you apparently have not been doing a good enough job of over-explaining these challenges.
Morgan is upset because they didn’t win which is ridiculous because this was the one challenge that wasn’t physical. Like, it’s obvious they specifically designed it to even the playing field.
Morgan is literally telling Devin that he’s gonna steal and fuck Tori over and when Tori brings it up to him he’s like “IDK man you’re just being oversensitive.” This shit right here is why I don’t fw men rn. Men be like “You fucking bitch I’m gonna come to your house tonight and kill you and your entire bloodline and everyone you care about” and then turn around and be like “Yeah officer IDK why this bitch is acting so paranoid for no reason. Women, amirite?”
So this montage of Devin and Morgan fighting over what type of belly button they have made the final cut, but we don’t even know why Cam and Mikala broke up? Ok, MTV.
Morgan and Tori get voted in again.
For the speeches Tori is like “Last time when we said we were gonna put it all behind us I really meant it.” Eh her speech is meh.
Meanwhile Morgan is so monotone I feel like he did that on purpose. He’s like “Yeah dude IDK it’s tough seeing you upset. If I was gonna steal I would have stolen last week so.” Compelling point!
DEVIN, STOP TRYING TO MAKE MEDUSA HAPPEN. Tori is not at all two-faced for putting her own best interest in this game above yours! Also Devin and Rashida thinking they’re gonna beat Tori and Morgan in the final are some strong fucking words coming from the team that’s lost to them like, three out of four challenges so far.
WAIT. PLOT TWIST.
This is a “blind choice.” They’re never gonna hear the choice the other person made. Both of them are staying. No one is going home. Why the fuck did I waste an hour of my life then?
Alicia: Bitch whaaaat???
^My exact reaction tho.
Rashida: Morgan and Tori are mind-fucked because they’ll never know what the other person picked. …As if they can’t just ask each other later. Are y’all really this stupid?
Well thanks MTV and Karamo for wasting an entire hour of my life. Love you, mean it.