Hello and welcome to the final episode of season six of Are You The One?—the show that you’re too ashamed to admit you watch but also gives you pride about your current life. I cannot tell you the confidence I have gained since watching all my peers fumble around on this shit show. My skin is clearing up, my teeth are whitening, and my boobs grew a little bit. Thanks, MTV!
But in all seriousness, I have suffered through this shit for the last 11 weeks, and this cast is beginning to feel like an ingrown hair on the taint of reality television. Everyone wants them off and they make it uncomfortable.
AFTER THE MATCH-UP
After getting five beams on week nine, they’re like, “Maybe we’re playing this wrong?” Idk, the whole “not winning” thing is really indicating something. Ethan, with an optimism that only a white rapper can have, tells everyone that they can still win. Keith and Ethan continue to try and reassure the house, but much like the country in 2017, everyone is pretty ready to accept the L.
KEITH TO THE HOUSE: This is part of my plan.
NARRATOR: This was not a part of his plan.
All the castmates run up, and truly I think the challenges are the only time these girls wear bras.
The boys and the girls have to nominate a boy and a girl to be picked. The boy and girl chosen can’t go into the truth booth together, so they pick Dimetri and Keyana, hoping that someone
can look into their hearts can try to like these people.
The guys have to guess how they think Keyana would guess at questions and vice-versa. Last person standing goes on a date.
Michael guesses Keyana’s dumbass answer wrong, and she starts crying. She’s like, “Am I fucking this up?” and it’s like, well, kind of sweetie.
They are depending on DD and Dimetri, which means they are holdin’ onto nothin’ here.
Malcolm wins the date with Keyana, while Jada wins the date with Dimetri. This is amazing because Jada fucking hates Dimetri, and I support it. That man child really needs a new name. I don’t think I have spelled it right this whole season. Oh well.
Meanwhile, Alexis and Keith are talking about their future together. Alexis is really looking forward to those weekly conjugal visits Keith will get, ya know, once she goes to jail for fucking stabbing him in his sleep.
Everyone in the house is like, “Okay, so if Keith is the leader, why is he still dating his no match?” Omg Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re hypocritical!
Dimetri is like, “When I heard we were going on an airboat I thought it was a flying boat.” Okay, who dropped you as a child? For real.
Jada is about three seconds away from feeding Dimetri’s boney ass to the alligators, and Keyana and Malcolm are like, “Oh wow, they are so in love.” One of these people in the house is on a fast track to marrying a serial killer, I swear.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
The whole house is like, “Hate can turn into love,” and it’s like, when has that ever actually happened, bedsides in early 2000’s Sandra Bullock movies? Of course, by that logic, they put Jada and Dimetri in the Truth Booth.
Of course, Jada and Dimetri get a no match, and I swear they start fist pumping.
They come back to the house, and everyone is like, “It’s so crazy that didn’t work!” They decide to use “their brains and their hearts”—ya know, the two body parts that they never utilize—to figure out who their matches are.
They are literally just running around and sitting with old matches and introducing themselves to people they have known for two and a half months. This is like, the weirdest sorority recruitment ever.
ZOE: What I never knew about Ethan in the three months of living here is that he is actually a person who exists. He could for sure be my match.
Keith tells all the children that they can disperse and hang out with their matches, but if they’re not home practicing matches in 30 minutes, they are grounded!
Of course, these rules don’t apply to Keith, because he’s a good Republican boy, and he goes to hang out with Zoe, not Jada. Alexis sees this and is like, “He is supposed to be with Jada, for the good of the house!!!!!” Ah, yes. Alexis the martyr. It has nothing to do with the fact that Keith is low-key into Zoe.
Alexis is like, “Okay, if you’re going to talk to Zoe, I’m going to go suck Michael’s dick.” Don’t call her a hero.
Straight out of the porn movies that raised her, Alexis pours a beer down her shirt, and Michael shoves his face in her chest. They start aggressively making out, while Keith is like, “Alexis, where is my beer?” If this doesn’t feel like a glimpse into their future, idk what does.
KEITH: Ma! The meatloaf! I never know what she’s doing back there.
Alexis comes out like, straight-up in a bra, and Keith is like, “Why are you dressed like more of a ho than usual?” Alexis tries to lie and fails at that faster than she failed out of middle school.
Eventually, Alexis admits that Michael kissed her and “it wasn’t a big deal.” Keith is like, “No big deal? This is
the fertility vase of the Ndebele Tribe my heart! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
In a drunken rage, Keith goes into the bedroom, takes Alexis’ childhood toy, Bridget, and THROWS IT IN THE FUCKING FIRE. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Destroying childhood memorabilia is a level of petty I aspire to reach.
All the girls are like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING,” and Keith explains about how Alexis made out with Michael. Alexis starts flipping out and burning his shoes, and suddenly, everyones’ belongings are being thrown in the pool/fire. Damn, you can take these two out of the double wide, but you can’t take the double wide out of their hearts.
ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ALEXIS AND KEITH:
JADA: White people are fucking crazy.
THE FINAL MATCH-UP
Finally, time to wrap this shit up. It’s the girl’s pick tonight, so if they get this right tonight, it’s like, in the name feminism, obviously.
Geles is first, and she has a tough pick, because she is torn between Clinton and Ethan—the guy she wants to bone and the guy that instantly makes her want to vomit. Maybe she’s trying to see beyond their looks, but her eyelashes have prevented her from looking at pretty much anything.
Eventually, she and her eyelashes pick Clinton.
Audrey picks the Shad. She’s like, “I need to stop looking for Prince Charming and focus on what’s in front of me.” Yeah, I don’t see a dude named “The Shad” being your white knight anytime soon.
SHAD: I can call my dick Excalibur, if that’s what you’re into.
Zoe picks Ethan. He’s like, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I DATED THIS GIRL.” Oh, sweet boy. The real world will crush you like a bug.
Alexis is up, and she’s like, “Terrence, do you know Bridget? My stuffed animal? You know, the one I sleep with every night? Do you know her?” TJ is like, “No bitch, but you need to get to know a therapist.”
She tells him about how Keith burned it in the fire, and TJ is like, “Please God, tell me you can’t procreate.”
Alexis is like, “If we lose, it’s my fault,” and Michael’s like, “Yup, not me! All you! Fuckin’ girls, so crazy! AmIRiggggght?”
Alexis picks Anthony. WTFFFFF. Everyone is like, “You guys know each other?” Alexis is like, “Sure, I love Anthony! I blame all of his family for taking our jobs. We really vibe.”
Keyana picks Michael.
Terrence is like, “Do you think you’re a player?” and Michael’s like, “Well, I bottle up my emotions.” Damn Michael, are you a street that I hate driving on? Because that was a fucking roundabout, if I’ve ever seen one.
TJ: Michael, do you think the sky is blue?
MICHAEL: Well, I think colors make up the rainbow.
Michael apologizes to Keyana for being an asshole, and she’s like, “K, whatever dude.” Who would have thought by the end of this we would all be rooting for Keyana?
Nurys picks Dimitri, because no one else will.
Alivia picks Malcolm, because if you can’t settle for worst, always go for the second worst.
DD picks Kareem, because they have so much in common! I mean, did you see how they both put one foot in front of the other? Amazing.
Joe picks Uche, based on their mutual hate of religion. Same.
Keith and Jada are last. TJ asks Keith about Alexis, and he starts crying because Alexis hurt his wittle feelings. Jada is like, “No offense, but Alexis is trash, and I’m a good person.” #tru
Overall, there are a lot of crazy matches here, so I’m pretty skeptical. But if there is anyone who can make up for last year’s failure, it’s
MTV’s producers season six!
Beams start to roll in, and they finally get six, which they have never gotten before.
It keeps going, and holy fucking shit, THEY WIN. I haven’t felt this miserable about a win since November 2016.
Of all the injustices in the world, this may be the biggest. They did not deserve to win—literally Keyana deserved all that money.
Whatever, they can all officially pay off their community college bills and become moderate Instagram stars like they always planned.
I guess there is a two-part reunion, too. Because Alexis has more belongings that Keith didn’t get a chance to light on fire, so obvi we have to come back.
Hello all. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, where you saw all your extended family, and in Alexis’ case, slept with a few. Blood is thicker than condoms, as they say in her trailer park.
Anyway, MTV, like the true terrorist group they are, ran a fucking episode of this D-list trash the night before Thanksgiving, right in the middle of my prime hometown drinking time.
ME, SEEING A NEW EPISODE ON MY DVR THE FRIDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING:
So yeah, I’ll be trying to include parts from last week’s episode in this recap as well, so this show doesn’t feel more nonsensical than it already is. LOL, like that’s hard.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
If you thought you would miss a week of this show and they would actually improve during that week, have I got news for you!
They get three beams, on week nine. Terrence J is like, “That’s the lowest anyone has ever gotten on this show,” and it’s like, okay, that depends on your definition of “low.” Like, between possibly losing the money and going home with an STD, this whole show is rock bottom.
Don’t worry though, guys—Keith, the guy who wears spandex American Flag shorts and looks like every man I have ever avoided at the bar, has got this!
Apparently, he studied math and statistics at Virginia Tech, which actually sounds like something every guy you avoid at the bar would say. I trust Keith about as much as the American public trusts our president.
According to Keith, Michael and Keyana are a match. Everyone is like, fuuuuuuuck really? While Keyana is like fuuuuuuuuck you all; I told you. I’m rooting for them to be a match, but I’m also 79% sure Michael will eventually bat for the other team. You can trust me, I studied statistics at Virginia Tech.
Shad is openly skeptical about this whole “blindly trusting Keith” thing, and I can’t blame him. But then again, who could you trust? A dude named Shad? We’re honestly between a rock and a dude with an IQ of a rock here.
Michael is so happy he can openly flirt with Geles now that he and Audrey are a no-match. They’ve been talking about their sexual chemistry for eight episodes now, and it’s like, we get it, you wanna bone.
PERSON IN THE HOUSE: Wow, the weather is really nice today.
MICHAEL AND GELES: Honestly, we have so much sexual chemistry we need to release.
They release the sexual chemistry on the bed that Zoe is literally sleeping in, in the communal area, in front of Audrey. 3/3 for being the worst kind of people. Like, you heathens couldn’t even go to the Boom Boom Room? I know Geles is made up of 80% eyelashes and extensions, but somewhere in that body there has to be a brain to tell her that this is fucking gross.
Audrey is crying to Shad, and he’s like, “You’re the whole package, and you can have my whole package too.”
Shad goes into this whole talk about how women are like weather, and he’s like an oak tree that can withstand the weather, hence why he is perfect for Audrey. Okay, I’ll have what Shad’s having.
SHAD: *hits blunt* I’m like, a tree, ya know?
DD and Kareem are bonding over the fact that they both are from the same state, and they both “hate being screwed over.” Wow, what a shocking coincidence. It’s so amazing when you have an unbreakable bond with someone who shares the same generic and obvious traits as you. Love is beautiful.
Meanwhile, at a Donald Trump rally near you, Keith and Alexis are still dating. Honestly, Alexis must have a platinum vagina, because the fact that Keith still is with her after she told him to die in a car crash and then hysterically introduced him to her stuffed bunny rabbit friend is inspiring. I once told a dude I didn’t like avocado, and he asked for the check.
Oh, to be young and redneck.
For the challenge they need to have one of three couples go in, Dimetri/DD, Clinton/Geles, or Nicole/Tyler, so they can finally get a fucking perfect match.
The guys will get asked a question about the girls, and if they are wrong (or don’t answer first), then they need to move a pole from a tower that has balls in it. If the ball falls, that person is out. That felt really technical…. Let’s throw in a “fuck” in here to keep it up to brand.
Anyway, Keith, Tyler, and Anthony—the guy with the lisp that haunts me in my dreams—win.
Keith takes DD because she hasn’t been on a date yet, which is kind of nice. Anthony takes Zoe to low-key piss off Geles, which I approve of. And Tyler picks Nicole, obvi.
They are going to a haunted mansion, which sounds like the worst date ever. If my date tried to take me there, I would just scream, “I don’t like avocado,” and hope he takes my ass home.
TBH, no house could possibly be scarier than Anthony’s ripped jeans. They really need to win this money so this poor boy can afford actual clothes. Poor Tyler, he knows that if shit goes down, that he’s going to be the first to go.
Duh, because he’s the largest and easiest to grab! Get your head out of the MAGA gutter!
Anthony says to Zoe, “You were the girl I wanted to date since day one,” which is some babyback bullshit if I’ve ever heard it.
ANTHONY: I liked you from the moment I saw you.
Zoe refuses to
have sex with get close to Anthony because she is friends with Geles, which is—wait for it—fucking stupid, since Geles and Anthony haven’t been a match since the beginning of time. I mean, if Zoe was like, “I can’t get to know him because of his speech impediment,” I’d be like, fair enough.
Nicole tells Tyler that she likes to date shitty guys and then fix them, and Tyler’s like, “Oh, so you’re the worst kind of girl ever, then. Got it.” He tells her that she has the system all wrong because
he studied math and statistics at Virginia Tech it never works.
They start making out and downing wine, which is always a great start to a relationship. Even though Nicole still looks like she is in physical pain being with Tyler, I am still rooting for them.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Obviously, everyone sends Tyler and Nicole to the truth booth. And thank you sweet baby Jesus, they are a perfect match.
The house is super excited, and they start singing a made up song about AYTO. Worst remake of High School Musical EVER.
ME, WATCHING THIS:
Geles and Clinton are talking—and by talking, I mean, Geles is shoving her tits in Clinton’s face—while Clinton is asking Jesus for forgiveness for thinking impure thoughts. Uche walks by, super pissed off, and Geles is like, “She kind of scares me.” Really? Uche’s personality is on par with paint drying on a wall, so the only way she could hurt you is like, by boring you to death.
Geles is low-key begging Clinton to make out with her, and this is what I imagine is going through Clinton’s dumb but pretty head:
Eventually, Clinton goes back to Uche. He’s been really tired lately, and he figures a 10 minute conversation with her will put him straight to sleep.
MY MOM: Say what you will about Geles, but at least she’s getting to know all the guys in the house.
Yes, I’m sure Geles is very popular.
The house decides to practice out the strategy with Keith acting as Trump and Alexis acting as Sarah Sanders. Shad takes the role of the FBI and decides to question wtf is going on here.
Keith asks Shad if he thinks he and Audrey are a match, and Shad’s like, “Well yeah, because when you see yourself in five years…” and Keith is like, “WRONG! That’s not an answer. Crooked Shad! Always Lying! I’m the best at answers, believe me.”
Shad keeps trying to explain himself, and literally, no one lets him fucking speak. Alexis is like, “Don’t listen to Shad, he’s dumb. Keith is smart.” Alexis, you literally have a third grade education. A fucking high school junior is like Einstein to you.
They are basing this whole strategy on either Joe and Zoe being a match or Shad and Audrey being a match. Though Shad swears to god they are, he’s sadly disregarded (much like our FBI), and they go with the dumber solution instead.
I want justice for Shad. #TheResistance
THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY
Keith is hoping this match-up gives them more information, so ya know, he can Virginia Tech this thing up. For a guy so good at math, he should know the odds of Alexis killing him one day are like, really high.
Anthony goes first and picks Uche. Well, there’s a couple I would never associate with ever.
Joe picks Zoe, because strategy.
Dimitri picks Audrey. After last week and his bullshit with Jada (he basically was the biggest dick to her because he didn’t want to be her match), Dimitri, or Demitri or whatever the fuck his name is, can eat a bag of dicks. JADA DOES NOT DESERVE YOU PEOPLE.
Shad picks Alivia, who is offering her first born child for this to not be real.
Clinton picks Geles obvi.
Uche gives Geles the go-ahead “to do whatever she wants with Clinton,” and Geles is like, “See all the roadblocks stopping me from getting to know Clinton!!!!!!! So many obstacles!!!!!”
Malcolm picks Alexis. LOL, like Alexis would ever bring Malcolm home to mom and dad.
Keith is up next. Everyone is, like, very concerned about this strategy, especially Shad. Shad tries to speak again, and Keith tells him to shut the fuck up. Normally, I would be rooting for a fight here, but Keith would wipe the floor with Shad’s Abercrombie ass.
It’s so hard having to watch two dudes you love, but also equally hate, fight. :/
Keith picks Jada.
Ethan picks Nurys. Yeah, that’s another fight I wouldn’t bet on. How in the world is Ethan going to handle Nurys’ dick?
Kareem picks DD because they have so much in common. I mean, did you see how she has teeth AND he has teeth?! Unreal!
Michael picks Keyana, who is ready to be petty AF when it turns out she is right. YAS GURL.
So, they end up getting five out of 11, which is like, not good. But what do I know? I didn’t study statistics and math at Virginia Tech.
This week on AYTO was kind of a doozy. I disagreed with someone I generally like, for once agreed with Terrence J, and finally used skills from that one psych class I took in college to identify my first psychopath! Kareem, be sure to DM me to claim your prize later, ya fucking lunatic.
AT THE HOUSE
They just got 3 beams, which is like, meh. Not great, not zero. Alivia and Kareem are still hooking up, and she’s like, “I hate myself,” and it’s like, k.
Alexis says that Keith makes her want to better herself and do inspiring things like go back to get her middle school education. Love takes us to new heights, y’all. <3
Meanwhile, confirmed no-matches Dimetri/Nicole and Geles/Anthony are still hooking up, which is, like, fucking pointless on so many levels. How Geles is even able to see Anthony through the mile-long eyelashes she has is beyond me. They say that love is blind, I guess.
The likable guys—Ethan, Joe, and Tyler—and Shad, are all pissed because, like, half the girls have their heads up some dude’s asshole, and they can’t play the game correctly.
Kareem, on the other hand, thinks those guys need to “get out, meet people,” and it’s like well, that’s kinda hard to do when you’re balls deep in a girl 24/7 and can’t handle when she even looks at another dude. Like, is Joe just supposed to chill out on the side of the bed in The Boom Boom Room and ask her questions about herself while you two are hooking up?
REAL PIC OF JOE:
They need Clinton and Uche in the Truth Booth, so they can get a confirmed match, and hopefully, get those two vanilla motherfuckers back to the church camp they escaped from.
It’s the guys challenge this time, and they have to learn things about the girls via their family members. The guy who guesses the right answer first gets to eliminate someone, but if they answer incorrectly, they’re eliminated.
Audrey apparently lied to her parents about being on this show and told them she got an internship in “Cali,” which should have been the first indicator that she was lying, because literally no one calls it that.
After a series of not-so-riveting reveals, the fate of the game comes down to whether Uche’s cherry has been popped. Now this is high-quality television, you guys.
Eventually, the winners are Tyler, Clinton, and Keith, who pick Jada, Uche (duh), and Alivia, respectively.
ANDDDDD BACK TO THE HOUSE
Joe starts talking to Alivia and casually asks about Kareem. Alivia gets triggered faster than your racist Uncle Conrad on a pro-Black Lives Matter Facebook post and tells Joe that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Joe’s actually pretty fucking respectful about it.
JOE: “Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.”
ME TALKING INTO MY THIRD GLASS OF WINE: … you pansy-ass bitch
Alivia does exactly what every girl who “isn’t like most girls” does and slyly starts drama. She immediately goes to Kareem and tells him that Joe asked her about him.
He grabs Alivia by her chin (which he does a lot) and yells at her about what she needs to do, etc. Kareem genuinely fucking frightens me. Like, if I was Alivia’s friend, I would probably be openly concerned for the fact that he grabs her like that and speaks to her like a fuckin’ controlling father. MTV—really great casting on this. I hope you’re willing to pay for Alivia’s therapy bills.
They go on a Mississippi River steamboat, which sounds like a really gross sexual act that someone tells you to “look up on Urban Dictionary.”
Clinton and Uche start talking about kids and dogs and if Uche is willing to move to the East Coast, and it’s like, woah. Lots of decisions. Idk what I even want to put on my Chipotle burrito when I’m like, halfway in line. Can you just like, chill for a sec?
Alivia tries to open a champagne bottle with her teeth, which is like so dangerous. Why can’t Kareem yell tidbits of common sense in her face, so she avoids stupid shit like this?
Alivia is talking to Keith and she’s like, “Idk if I want Kareem in my life, because he’s so smart that he makes me go back to him, whereas you’re like, you.” Keith’s like, “Fair enough.”
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Of course, the house sends Clinton and Uche to the Truth Booth. They both wanna hustle and get this shit over with, so they can make it to the 7:30 bible study class. Today Janet brought lemonade and used real sugar—gonna be a fuckin’ rager.
Unfortunately, someone didn’t kiss their prayer beads this morning, because it’s a NO MATCH. This is a big hit for the house, because these two have literally been sitting together the whole show, whiiiiiich means they know nothing, and I still have to write these fuckin’ recaps!
Uche starts breaking down and is really mourning the loss of the potential D she may have gotten in the honeymoon suite.
About 2.5 seconds after the Truth Booth, Jada goes up to Clinton and asks him to talk. She basically is like, “You need to branch out to other girls…. Actually no, just me.” See the funny thing about branching out is, you’re gonna need to bring a few condoms to do it.
They both talk about how they literally don’t know each other, and everyone watching is like, yeah. We know. Why are we here again? And then they leave. Pointless.
However, Satan has clearly possessed Uche and she pulls a Kareem and freaks out about two people talking. She comes in HOT at Jada, who like, did nothing wrong.
Uche’s like, “What did you say to Clinton!?,” acting like Jada came out kitty-first rather than literally just talking to him. Jada’s like, two seconds from reminding Uche who the fuck she thinks she is talking to, and I do not blame her one bit. Uche was foul with this one.
Clinton’s like, “Wtf Uche is kinda a jealous bitch, that’s not my type,” and it’s like, Alivia, get your notebook out, sweetie. Write this down.
Jada runs off and starts crying, which is kinda not what I expected. Give me the curb stomp I signed up for, dammit! Jada’s like, “I respected Clinton and Uche’s relationship for so long,” which is def true. I’ve seen some fucked up shit, from being the only viewer of this show for the last five years, and Jada’s def taken the high road.
Jada then starts flipping the fuck out and hitting shit, and THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT.
Uche swears to God that she did nothing wrong in this instance, and you know sweet baby Jesus is up in heaven like:
Uche’s like, “It’s hurtful to me that we have to play this game as it was intended,” and it’s like, buck up, snowflake. Make MTV Great Again!
Speaking of Trump voters, Alexis still thinks Keith is her match, and she said the feelings she has freak her out more than a transgender person existing and doing absolutely nothing to harm her.
Keith is like, “Alexis knows how to get to me,” and I think that probably has to do with the fact that she’s blown him like, 10 times in the last week. Alexis swears she has trust and abandonment issues, and I guess I could see that, when your house is literally on wheels. If your bathroom could potentially leave you, imagine how hard dating is? I worry for her.
THE MATCH UP CEREMONY
Anthony is up first and picks Nicole. Somewhere in the distance, Geles’ tears trickle down her eyelashes, bringing fresh water to Flint, located hundreds of miles away.
Terrence J decides to Daddy up on these idiots and calls out the no match couples and is like, “You see how this is dumb right?” And Geles is like, “I literally cannot see my own hands.”
Terrence J asks Malcolm if he’s talked to other girls, and he’s like, “Sure. I’ve talked to other girls….” Terrence J asks him who he’s talked to, and it’s like being caught in lie with your parents.
TERRENCE J: Who did you talk to?
MALCOLM: Other girls.
TJ: Which girls?
MALCOLM: Uh… you know… the ones with the eyes.
Of course Malcolm picks DD.
Kareem picks Alivia, dragging her from her chair by her fucking chin.
Joe comes out and is like, “We aren’t playing this game correctly!!!” which, wow, if I had a nickel every time I heard that on this show…
Kareem flips out and is like, “Joe has no connections because he shit talks people!” and it’s like, okay that’s like, the best way to make connections. The fuck are you doing, trying to insult my livelihood like that?
Joe picks Zoe.
Shad picks Audrey, who would much rather be with Johnny Bravo.
Tyler picks Keyana.
Ethan picks Geles, which bothers me. Can I take a second to discuss Geles, because I have THOUGHTS. *takes sip of wine* Geles literally only claims Ethan is her match because she is not attracted to him at all. Like, what do they have in common? *Malcolm answers* “They have eyes.” ANYWAY, it’s sooooo easy for her to pair up with Ethan, who she has zero interest in, because she knows she won’t fuck him, and he’s too nice to make moves on her, so she can still continue to dick around with Anthony. Homegirl, I was in a sorority for four fucking years—I can spot subtle manipulation faster than Jada can run into Clinton’s arms.
Keith picks Alexis.
Clinton picks Jada, lol.
Dimetri picks Uche.
Johnny Bravo picks Nurys.
Overall, it’s a random AF lineup, which is probably why they get one beam. Loooooosahs.
Terrence J finally yells at them for being fucking idiots, and it’s like, wow look who decided to put on his big boy pants today. They go back to the house, tails between their legs, Alivia’s chin in Kareem’s iron grip.
When they get back, Kareem and Anthony face off with Joe and Ethan about how the house is divided. Every once in a while Geles pipes up to agree with Kareem, and it’s like, literally never speak again. Kareem tells E-money and Joe they are losers, and it’s like, if Kareem is supposedly the fucking cool one in the house, you all are bunch of fucking losers.
Like I said, doozy. Tune in next week to see if E-money does the world a favor and punches Kareem, and to see if Alexis finally learns how to spell the word “orange.” Bye!
Hi everyone, sorry this recap is late but either the weather change or my inability to drink fluids that aren’t of the fermented grape variety got me very sick. Lucky for you, I chased my DayQuil with a few glasses of Merlot and I’m feeling like a new woman.
So let’s review—last week, no matches continued to take a giant shit on this game. Zoe expressed the weirdest interest in Kareem, even though he’s all about Alivia and like, fucking unhinged. Also, there were condiments spread on Nurys’ nipple and licked off by a low budget live-action Johnny Bravo. Okay cool, we’re all caught up.
AT THE HOUSE
Malcolm and DD are all over each other now that Nurys brought the fuckin pantry to her lady bits. Malcolm’s like “DD knows just how to get me to move on!!” Oh, I’m sure she’s got some perfectly respectable methods.
Nurys thinks DD is a rebound, DD thinks she’s the love of Malcolm’s life, and I think they both are morons. Like seriously, what do you guys see in this dude besides the fact that he could pass as a Jason Derulo impersonator at a male strip club?
Dimetri and Nicole are cuddling and Dimetri literally only likes her body. Like seriously, he says that. On national television. What a guy.
Nicole is like “I love taking care of people that are immature” and it’s like, okay so go work at the Boys & Girls Club? The fuck.
Alivia acknowledges that even though she’s with Kareem, she “specifically requested a dumb Italian guy,” and apparently that guy is Keith. Who knew Keith is Italian? I feel like he’s def the redheaded stepchild of the Italian family. Keith looks like a poor man’s Chris Pratt—not Pauly D.
Kareem watches Alivia talk to Keith and is like “I’m a cute kind of jealous. When you are polite to someone else it’s like, NO FUCK THAT BE POLITE TO ME YOU DUMB BITCH. See, it’s cute.”
The girls are like, “we’ve been wanting to do a lingerie party for so long!” and it’s like, yeah cause y’all are hoes.
Dimetri immediately starts making sexual comments to every girl in the room, because ya know, that always works out. He’s like “I like Nicole but I really wanna fuck every girl here.” Ugh it’s such a bummer every time he opens his stupid fucking mouth. Like, do you hear yourself, like when you speak?
Nicole is openly pretty fucking pissed and Dimetri is like “what, I’m just playing?” which is the trademark of fuckboys universally. Dimetri is like “I have no filter and people think I’m a flirt” and it’s like, uh you literally just said you wanna fuck other girls.
DIMETRI: **says he wants to fuck other girls**
NICOLE: You said you want to fuck other girls
DIMITRI: THIS IS FAKE NEWS
Zoe goes to move in on Kareem and they start grinding on each other, which Alivia is supposedly fine with. She’s so fine, in fact, that she’s going to hang out with Keith upstairs, because like, it’s fine. Idk how this chat even takes place when Keith can barely put a fuggin sentence together.
Kareem tells Zoe that when he originally came into the house, he was interested in her. Uh huh, oooookay. Of course Zoe buys that stupid shit and they start making out in the closet. I honestly feel like this house is just a combo of closets, showers, and the boom boom room.
Zoe legit starts bouncing around from person to person telling them how her and Kareem made out. Damn Zoe, I remember when I got my first kiss. Couldn’t keep your mouth shut for a fuckin’ second?
Keyana’s moral compass seems to appear out of nowhere and she decides that it’s pretty fucked up of Kareem to do that. She tells Keith, Alivia, and Tyler what Zoe told her. So like, again, this is kind of Zoe’s fault. Just making sure we’re all on the same page.
Alivia goes outside to see wtf is up and sees Kareem and Zoe in the pool, hanging all over each other. She gives him the universal “go fuck yourself” thumbs up and then runs into Keith’s Italian arms where he whispers sweet nothings of raviolis and “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoreeee.”
Nicole tells Kareem that Alivia knows about the kiss and he’s like “how could this be?!” as Zoe slowly tries to drown herself in the pool.
Kareem gets super mad at Keyana, even though, say it with me, it’s really not her fault. Kareem starts yelling at Keyana and Tyler steps in and is like, uh you did this? Kareem and Tyler start shoving each other and tbh I’m feeeeeeling Tyler rn. If this doesn’t get him laid in the house, idk what will.
Security comes in to separate shit while Kareem continues to lose his fuckin mind. Zoe’s like “I feel so dumb” and it’s like, well sweetie, *pats her on the head* that’s cause you are.
Kareem and Clinton are having a heart-to-heart about how Kareem made a pretty massive fuckup. Clinton drops some Jesus knowledge on him and is like “yo you’re mad at yourself, not Keyana or Tyler.” What bible verse is that?
Uche and Clinton go on a mini date and talk about how they are moving super slow and they love it. I mean, they need to save room for the holy spirit in their life. Clinton likes that they are respectful and not fucking losers like the rest of them. Honestly, I’m rooting for you two Jesus freak virgins.
Real question—do any of these girls own bras?
Anyway, Zoe talks about making out with Kareem and Alivia starts crying. Kareem finally admits he may have done something wrong, like maaaaybe. Alivia swears she can’t get back with Kareem anymore even though we all know that’ll last for like, three days.
After making a girl cry, Terrence J is like “ALRIGHT time for the truth booth!!!!” I love how MTV picks hosts who have like, no soul.
Dimetri and Nicole to the truth booth and it’s not a surprise that they aren’t a match. It was such an anti-climatic truth booth, I’m not even going to waste another sentence on it.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
While the girls are trying to talk strategy, the Shad is trying to figure out how to exist in this world without looking like a complete fucking idiot. Both situations are a lost cause.
The Shad’s like “girls say I’m being a dick but they are really into me”, which I honestly imagine is probably true. I can’t even really argue with that. Know yourself, know your worth.
Audrey decides to be bold and have a simple conversation with Shad. That conversation literally just becomes her repeating “I hate you” to Shad, which is pretty reasonable.
She’s like “I don’t want to be 100% into Michael because love isn’t real on this scripted show.” What? Who said that?
MATCH UP CEREMONY
It’s the girls’ turn to choose and if they fuck this up, the men are going to do what they do best and hold the mistake over their heads until the end of time.
THE DUDES: But, her emails!!!!!!
Alexis is first and picks Dimetri. Keith rolls his eyes because he knows that no one can handle Alexis’ crazy ass but him—and honestly idk if that’s a good or bad thing.
DD is up next and we’re all like, okay she obviously is picking Malcolm, right? She decides to pick Kareem—wtf. Everyone is like, why are you this way??
Joe, the weed farmer, is like “they are so fucking stupid I can’t take them seriously,” which is what I’ve said about every new pledge class in my sorority.
Zoe picks Joe, whose hair is longer than mine. Joe’s honestly one of the prettiest lesbians I have ever seen, wow.
Uche picks Clinton, duh.
Audrey’s up next and goes on about how much she likes Michael and how he broke down her walls, etc. but then picks Shad, who turns her stomach.
Audrey explains that the girls are not listening to their heart, but just kinda randomly selecting their matches.
AUDREY: We figure, why not? Take a crazy chance? Why not? Do a crazy dance? If you lose the moment, you may lose a lot. So why not?
THE GUYS: Isn’t that a Hilary Duff song?
AUDREY: This is fake news.
Jada picks Tyler, even though I’m pretty sure she could beat him up.
Keyana picks Anthony.
Nicole picks Ethan, which is good because SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN.
Geles picks Michael.
Keith is watching the match up ceremony and is like “I took statistics in college and this doesn’t look promising.” He acts like he’s a fucking Stanford alum mathematician. Keith, your remedial math class at Oklahoma State doesn’t count.
Nurys picks Keith.
Which leaves Alivia and Malcolm.
Terrence J asks Alivia about the Kareem situation and she’s like “I expected this from every other dude but not Kareem.” #NotAllMen
Thankfully for them, they don’t black out. They get 3 beams. Which isn’t good, but isn’t bad either. Kind of what I imagine hooking up with Shad would be like.
Back at the house, Kareem is talking to Alivia and is like “me fucking up makes me love you more!!!” Not entirely sure how that works out, but k.
Alivia is like “I need time to figure this out” and it’s like, you’re not doing amazing, sweetie.
Hi, it’s me, Betch Waldorf, your recapper. Please hold the applause. Sorry for not posting a recap last week, but someone *cough, cough* MTV STUDIOS *cough* did not send me the episode in advance and your girl doesn’t have cable because I’m a refined human being that uses Netflix and illegal downloading exclusively.
Anyway, I’m going to combine last week’s and last night’s episode in one. Here we go.
LAST WEEK MINI RECAP
Guess what—Geles and Anthony are not a match. This comes as a shock to literally no one watching the show, but everyone on the show. Tyler literally said he would “bet his life on Geles and Anthony being a match” and look, I’m not trying to be a stickler, but I’m here to collect.
Michael broke up with Keyana because she was acting like she was a second away from looking up body transfusion surgeries with him. She’s like “I don’t care about the money, I just want him.” If you listen closely, you’ll hear the sound of me loudly groaning at how stupid she is.
The girls go to pick at the match-up ceremony and they get a combined, wait for it, wait for it—one beam. I honestly think it takes hard work to be dumber than the posse of idiot men on the show, so really, great work to all involved. This shit right here is why we get paid 72 cents to every dipshit man’s dollar.
Mike tells Alivia he doesn’t see her and Kareem being a match, and Kareem loses his fucking mind. While he’s having a mental breakdown in the corner and about to tell Michael to “say hello to his little friend”, Zoe is like, “wow look how Kareem stands up for Alivia, I want that.”
Zoe’s strategy this game is to keep her standards super low and just leave them like that until like, she dies. Bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.
Also, Geles is low-key into Ethan now which like, THANK YOU #SomeoneLoveEthan
After the challenge, where MTV gets the house drunk and makes them do dumb shit (what, MTV?! Never! They would NEVER do that!!!), Nurys and Malcolm get called into the truth booth. They like, confess their love to each other after 14 days and off they go.
Okay I feel like that was substantial. Anyway, onto that new new shit.
THE TRUTH BOOTH CLIFFHANGER
Nurys and Malcolm are in the Truth Booth while DD is praying to her voodoo doll of Malcolm that they are not a match. Luckily for DD, we live in a world that’s going to shit and nothing makes sense anymore, so they aren’t a match.
Nurys and Malcolm start crying and DD’s like “Malcolm, you can cry on my shoulder!” The funny thing about her shoulder is it’s located on her vagina.
AT THE HOUSE
So can we talk about Shad? Let’s do it.
First of all, it’s like his parents wanted him to have an STD growing up, with the name Shad. Like, how can we make our kid INSTANTLY unlikeable? I know, let’s name him fucking Shad.
Second of all, Shad has lived up to my original analysis of being the dude at the frat party who asks you “who you know here” and the proceeds to give you raper face from across the room. Honestly, am I saying all of this because I hate his haircut? Possibly.
Shad’s talking to Alexis about her tattoos and she goes “this tattoo says ‘live free!’” So inspiring, I think to myself. “…And it’s about my cousin who murdered her best friend when she was 17.” AAAAAND we’re back.
Shad will literally do anything to have a semblance of a connection to a girl and he’s like “I too have a tattoo in homage to a murderer.” *whips out his Jeffrey Dahmer tattoo* Hey, Alexis and her family may be incestual murderers, but at least they fucking stand for the flag, dammit! This is America!!!!
Nurys thinks Malcolm will leave her for someone else and he’s like “Really?! You think I would do that?” Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Does Donald Trump bathe in self tanner?
Nurys doesn’t want to get to know any other dudes while Malcolm is like “we need to play the game… but I want you to have my babies.” Well, that escalated quickly.
Geles and Anthony are back on their bullshit and have sex, even though they aren’t a match and she’s with Ethan, DAMMIT. LOVE ETHAN.
Zoe and Keith, who both don’t seem like the sharpest crayons in the box, are talking strategy. LOL. Meanwhile, Alexis is stressed because she caught the feels for Keith, but I think she should be more worried about being shot at a family reunion.
Kareem decides to take Alivia fishing, because that’s not the most boring shit I have ever heard. Also, why do they get to leave the house? Why doesn’t ETHAN GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE, HUH?
KAREEM: I have this great date planned! First, we’re going to watch paint dry. Then we’re going to sit in silence for an hour. So glad we met on this show, I really think the matchmakers got it right.
Kareem keeps complimenting Alivia and she’s like “I wonder why I like him!!!!” Yeah, huh, I wonder why. They both are like “I don’t want to give up this fling for money”—spoken like a true poor person.
Michael and Audrey are talking while Keyana is sobbing in the corner. Ethan is trying to comfort the crazy girl who is obsessed with a dude who looks like a young Mr. Incredible and I really feel like he’s doing his best.
REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:
Off the bat, Terrence J is wearing a sweater that look likes it came from a 90’s sitcom. I’m half expecting the background music to start playing—“in West Philadelphia, born and raised…” He starts asking everyone how they are doing and it’s like, aren’t you out past Uncle Phil’s curfew?
Malcolm’s up first and he and Nurys are like “we’re still together.” Everyone else is like, “the fuck you are.”
Malcolm picks Geles, which Nurys is thrilled about because she hates DD. Everyone else is like, “this is randoooooom.” Geles doesn’t comment, though, because she barely can see what’s going on through the shag carpet she calls eyelashes.
Malcolm reveals he doesn’t want to make Nurys mad by sitting next to DD.
Michael picks Audrey, while Keyana is like “I would take a bullet for Michael!” Is there an on-set therapist?
Joe picks Zoe.
Kareem picks Alivia.
Tyler, who’s so deep in the friend zone it’s beyond repair, picks Nicole.
Dimitri picks Nurys.
Shad picks Keyana.
Ethan picks Alexis. Okay Ethan, I want you to find love, not end up 6 feet under with a possible meth addiction.
Clinton obviously picks Uche and Jada is still, obviously, still weirdly pissed about it.
Clinton’s like “Uche and I could go to church together.” Damn, and I thought fishing was bad. At least I know that fish are real and not some made-up shit from thousands of years ago. What? Who said that?
Anthony picks Jada. And Keith picks DD.
Honestly, this match-up makes zero fucking sense, which is probably why they only end up with two beams. Looooosaaaahs.
Malcolm goes to talk to DD and is like “I didn’t pick you because I didn’t want to look like a player.” DD is like “you should be with me because I can make you better.” Did you know that one of the D’s in DD’s nickname stands for desperate?
This time the girls get to do the challenge and if it’s anything like their match-up ceremony, it’s gonna be a bigger train wreck than the year 2017.
They all pair up into couples and the girls get asked trivia questions about the dudes. If they get it wrong, they get Mardi Gras powder in their face and are out. Last 3 couples standing get to go on a date.
Off the bat, Nurys immediately gets Anthony’s question wrong. Not shocked.
Alexis and Shad are out because he would rather be skinny than poor. Fuckin’ Shad.
Geles and Ethan make it in because LOVE ETHAN.
Malcolm shares that he has some fucking horrible taste in Batman preferences and everyone is furious. He gets out because he likes Ben Affleck more than Christian Bale and that literally makes no sense at all. Does anyone like Ben Affleck after the news this week?
Michael and Audrey are out. Womp womp. Well, at least they still have their white privilege.
Nicole gets asked “Would Dimitri rather live in the Midwest or Manhattan?” and she deadass doesn’t know the difference between Manhattan and the Midwest. One is the place you see represented in every movie ever, and the other is the place that swears to god that coal mining is making a comeback and still weirdly enough runs our country (shoutout to the Electoral College).
Keyana and Tyler are out, because obviously.
Uche and Clinton need to win so they can go on a date, and of course they fuck it up.
So, the couples are Ethan & Geles, Zoe & Keith and Dimiti & Nicole. AKA a bunch of no matches.
Terrence J is like “you’re about to go on the best date ever!” and then sends them on a bar crawl. Honestly, for once the date lived up to Terrence’s description.
Dimitri is super excited to go on a date with Nicole because of her
winning personality huge tits.
Nicole thinks the fact that Dimitri acts like a 7-year-old is adorable. She’s always been a good babysitter and is even CPR certified. She can certainly provide references if you need them.
Dimitri and Nicole start making out. Riveting. Moving on.
Keith and Zoe are being forced into this date by producers like nobody’s business. I imagine someone is legit waving a gun behind the camera, because they look more uncomfortable than an Ikea bed. Keith is like “I don’t think you’re interested in me” and Zoe’s like *takes deep breath of relief* “omg I can’t fuckin’ stand you.”
Zoe tells him that she’s into Kareem and Keith/everyone watching is like “but why?”
Ethan straight-up tells Geles that her being with Anthony makes this friend date suuuuuuper uncomfortable. She’s like “I feel bad. Next time we’ll have sex a little less obviously.”
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Like most grown-ass adults, the folks at the house decide to do a sumo wrestling competition and the winner has to do a dare? Not sure how that works, but let’s just go with it.
They strap pillows around themselves and start running into each other, which will probably result in them losing the remaining few brain cells they each have.
Jada is up and if she wins she gets to lick Nutella off Clintons abs. She’s like “time to suit the fuck up.” If Jada had half as much determination in real life as she does to lick Clinton, shiiiiiit, she might actually have a real job by now. #AnythingIsPossible
However, Audrey is surprisingly strong and ends up beating Jada. Better luck next time.
The winner of Anthony and Michael’s match get the super special opportunity to… lick peanut butter of Nurys’ nipple? Wait what?
Anthony is like….”uh, what?” And I share his sentiments. Damn, you just whip the tit out for any old dude with a pillow duct taped to his chest? Not judging but….
Guess who walks in riiiiiiight as Micheal is flicking Nurys’ perky bits—good old Malcolm, who’s given up his player ways for a total of 10 days.
He’s like “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I AM THE BEACON OF LOYALTY!” And Nurys is like “but, honey. It was a dare!!!” For once I agree with Malcolm when he’s like “are you fucking serious?” Nurys has the logic of a Trump administration staff member.
Malcolm can’t even sit with a girl at a match-up ceremony and Nurys is over here letting everyone milk the fuckin’ cow for a sumo game. Yiiiiiiikes, double standards are cringeworthy. Malcolm does what I would have done too, and immediately grabs desperate AF DD and drags her to the boom boom room.
SO I guess that’s one no-match couple down. Thanks Nurys’ titty for saving the game!
The worst/best show on television is back and lucky for you, the worst/best recapper you know is back too. You’re welcome.
TBH I was heavily considering not recapping this show because I was thinking about living my life and stuff, but then I saw this shit show of a cast (and also how bad the Bachelor is) and I just knew in the dark pits of my soul that I couldn’t let this show go.
LET’S BEGIN NOW
First major change—they are in New Orleans now. Probably a good thing. They weren’t getting too much variety in the Dominican Republic. You can only play with monkeys so many times until you’re like “so, where are the buildings with electricity?”
Also, Terrence J is the new host. RIP to the best father figure most of the contestants ever had, Ryan Devlin.
Let’s review some of the dumb things we learned/that were said during introductions to everyone:
TYLER: “I told her that I was okay with her hooking up with another guy and I wasn’t!” Cool story, Hansel.
UCHE: “I’m with all these guys I’m not supposed to be with! Football players, rappers, all the cool guys.” That’s a weird way of saying you’re a fuckin’ loser.
KEYANA: “I want to be everywhere with my boyfriend. I want to wear a vile of his blood around my neck and drink from it from time to time. What.” (paraphrase)
JOE’S MOM: “My son brings home idiots, which is amazing because he sells pot for a living and it shocks me that Harvard grads aren’t lining up to date him.”
NICOLE: “I’m trapped in this hookup culture!!!” She acts like she’s been kidnapped in a third world country rather than being asked for dick pics.
KAREEM: “Where I’m from, don’t nobody ever touch a million dollars.” Yeah, they clearly don’t read books or attend basic English classes either.
MICHAEL: “I get like 25-50 DM’s from girls a day wanting to date me. None of them speak English though, so lo siento bitches, no dates for you.” Also, Mike, they are all probs like 14. Judging from the acne on your face, you probably are too.
Terrence J shows the girls something the boys find important and the girls have to raise their hands if it’s important to them too. Moderate Instagram fame has to be on this list.
First is football. Audrey raises her hand and she’s like “Why do I like football? Why do I not like football?! I love football!!!”
AUDREY DURING FOOTBALL GAMES:
Football was Malcolm’s pick and he’s like “I love football because that’s the only reason my dad loves me” and the girls are all like “AW THAT’S SO SWEET!” Nothing moisturizes the kitty like deep-rooted familial issues, amirite.
Next is the piano, and Keyana is like “I like music!” while the rest of the girls apparently prefer silence? Her match is Ethan, the guy who looks like Rob Dyrdek if he ate Rob Dyrdek. He’s very excited to go on his first date ever and is just itching to call his mom and tell her all about it.
Turns out he’s a rapper. Fuck. There is always one “rapper” every season and they are almost always bordering on albino.
ETHAN: “E-Money gets the girls, but Ethan doesn’t.” How many of you are there?
REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:
Next picture is some religious stuff and the girls are like “I only go down on my knees for one thing, and it ain’t our lord and savior.” Too bad—it was Clinton’s pick and he’s a fine-ass mother fucker. Jesus wept making that fine specimen and that should tell you something, since I’m a Jew.
Next picture is a condom and Jada is like “HEEEEEEEEEEY.”
JADA’S ROLE ON THIS SHOW:
Chad is the one that picked a condom and he’s like “yeah, I like sex, so what?” Chad reminds me of the guy you tell your sorority little to avoid at frat parties.
CHAD: “Look at me, I’m the Chad!” I’M SORRY, unless you are Tom Green yelling to Drew Barrymore from a boat, you are not the fuckin’ Chad!!! Wait, is his name Shad? THAT IS EVEN WORSE.
Anyways, all the couples are going on a date. Thrilling.
ON TO THE HOUSE
Of course it’s time for shots and more introductions.
ZOE: “Guys don’t like me, they just want to wear my thighs as earmuffs.” Oddly specific but ok.
JOE: “I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and so far the only thing I have ever witnessed is me still being a virgin”
Joe’s going to be that castmate that I can’t tell is hot. He always looks like he is squinting into the sun but I would def let him in if he came knocking on my door wanting to sell a bible.
Keyana immediately tells Michael that she follows him on Instagram and he’s like “very cool, do you speak English?” Also, Keyana do you need to refill your shitty beer? Because you look fucking THIRSTY.
Ethan is already hating himself and saying that he’s going to sit in a corner all season and now I’m just upset. No one puts Ethan in a corner!
KEYANA: So you wear a shoe on each foot?
KEYANA: omg so do I. Let’s get married.
Uche and Chocolate Jesus (Clinton’s new nickname for the season—CJ) are def hitting it off.
CLINTON: “Girls tell me they love me on social media, but it’s like, I’m a person. Do you ever think there is more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking?”
Malcolm and every girl in the house start flirting. So that’s that.
MALCOLM: “I have ladies every day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…. The other days. You get it.”
He meets Diandra, who is wearing hoops so big that the Kardashian family is in awe. She’s like “if I start calling you Papi, I’m interested.” Good thing it sounds sexy in Spanish. If I started calling dudes “Daddy” they would immediately refer me to a therapist.
Keith and Alexis start bonding over lung disease and her possibly incestuous ways.
ALEXIS: So you have your cousins, and then your first cousins, and your cousins with teeth. They are all fair fucking game.
Apparently Alexis is trying to rid herself of the redneck stereotype but it’s hard to take her seriously when she’s downing Bud Light one second and chain smoking cigarettes the next.
Keith is like “you should stop smoking. How about every time you smoke I spank you?” Is this a Narcotics Anonymous-approved method of prevention? Also, Keith and Alexis look like the perfect Trump-voting couple.
KEITH: “How about every time you mention building the wall I smack my own ass, yeehaw.”
Theeeeennnn they start making out and talking about butt stuff, as one does 30 minutes after meeting someone. Off to the boom room they go to make more babies that Alexis’ cousin can possibly fuck.
Keith apparently rocks Alexis’ world and he’s like “yeah I have pretty good reviews on Yelp.” Which is a place for businesses so congrats, you’re an escort.
Michael and Keyana take the first shower makeout scene for me. She’s like “I’ve never met someone who asks me about myself” and it’s like, well how do you usually meet people? Does no one ask you, like, what your name is?
MTV has decided to get as close as possible to killing one of these cast members and takes them to a bar as their date. We’re really pushing these livers to the limit here.
Ethan is trying to make small talk with Keyana and she is acting like she would rather be lit on fire than be a kind of nice person to an overall really nice guy. He eventually is like “I get it, you like Michael.” And I swear to god she breathes a sigh of relief.
She says he “asked about her and he actually cared” and it’s like, really? It had nothing to do with the alcohol and fact that your hand was down his pants most of the time?
They are presented with booze and a jazz band comes in. They’re like “what are the odds you get shit faced and listen to jazz in New Orleans?!”
Audrey and Malcolm are hanging out and she’s like “you’re a player, I can tell” and he’s like “I’m 25 now! I’m serious now!” he says as he chugs alcohol on a reality show on national television.
He claims he isn’t a player anymore because a “female” cheated on him once and it hurt. Boo, sad story. Anyone who calls a girl a female is a hard no from me.
AUDREY: I hope he ends up being different then the guy I know he is and always has been.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
The house is debating who to put in the Truth Booth and Diandra is like “Malcolm looks like Trey Songz!” (which he does) and Nurys is like “YOU JUST WANNA FUCK HIM DON’T YOU?!” Okay there, I’m gonna need to you to pop a quick Xanax and take a lap for a second.
Nurys is like “I am a hugely aggressive girl for literally no reason and sometimes people don’t like me for that.” Hmm, wonder why.
Ethan and Keyana go to the Truth Booth and Keyana is looking for the nearest knife to stick in her neck. She heard Mike has a neck fetish, so yeah.
Ethan and Keyana are like “we get it, we’re not compatible” and Keyana is thinking of getting it tattooed on her body. Let’s remember, they were voted in because they “both like music” which we all know, is a true stepping stone to a love connection.
Of course, they get a no match BUT that’s not the worst part of this whole thing. The WORST part is Keyana acting like a straight-up fucking bitch when they get a no match. I get it, you like Michael and you want to have his vanilla-ass babies so they can surf into the sunset and live a life full of missionary sex, HOWEVER you did not need to be like “YES, I’M PARTYING TONIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT A MATCH!!!”
That’s not a paraphrase made by me, that’s a quote and frankly, it’s a fucked up one. And that’s coming from a fucked up person.
Ethan’s like “I’ve never seen someone so excited to get away from me” and I think every single person watching (aka me and 15 people who read this recap) were either a) about to cry for this actual nice guy or b) so fucking annoyed with Keyana for acting like she’s soooo much better than him. Anyone with a chest tattoo is not at the liberty to belittle people. That is a job strictly reserved for me. Now that we got that lecture out of the way…
Ethan starts downing red wine and freestyle rapping. Aka me on any given night.
They start playing a game of sexy truth or dare, because they are original like that.
Malcolm and Diandre make out, Clinton and Uche make out, Michael licks Keyana, it’s all pretty generic.
Shad or Chad or whatever his fucking name is asks Alexis to kiss everyone in the house and she’s like okay and says “mama didn’t raise no bitch.” Incredible. I want that on a cross stitch. She proceeds to make out with everyone. Just like her mama intended.
KEITH: “She’s a little wild and idk if I trust her.” Really? This is the hard line for you? Not when she implied that she fucks her cousins?
Geles and Michael bond over the fact that they have large Hispanic families and it’s like, who is going to send me some tamales? Hit me up.
Nurys is getting pissed because DD (Diandre) is still talking to Malcolm when she likes him. She’s like “DD is obviously insecure!” and it’s like, hmmm okay sweetie.
Second shower makeout session goes to DD and Malcolm. Really? Now it’s just getting cliché. Isn’t there a closet you can take this to?
Of course, the moment DD goes to sleep Nurys is like DGAF and her and Malcolm start making out. DAMN. Okay. That’s how it’s gonna be. Then he hops back into bed with DD.
MALCOLM: I’m not a player. I promise I’m not a player.
Okay, Big Pun. Anyway, see you all next week.
Not going to lie to you all, I sort of forgot everything that happened last week on AYTO: Second Chances. But I’m sure the exact same shit is going to play out in an identical manner this episode, so here we go!
I’d just like to say, am I the only one who thinks this house looks like a Sims house? It legit doesn’t look real. Anywho.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Everyone’s pouring one out for the homies, Asaf and Kaylen.
Devin’s like “Tori got in Morgan’s head and mind fucked him and that’s why he gave up $75K”
That’s literally the point of the game, you sexist fuck.
Devin: If you win the final you’re gonna share like a pussy and end up with less money than you could have had tonight.
Rashida calls Tori a professional finesser. Why, because she voted against you one time?
Cam telling Mikala she’s been killing it like “I’m so I’m so I’m so proud of you.” WHY the fuck did they break up? Somebody has to tell me. Because they are a cuter couple than my own parents rn. Sorry mom and dad.
Ugh I forgot that Alicia is still happening. And by still happening I mean on this show/alive.
Alicia: It just goes to show you if you really put in the time and work with someone you can get to the level of cuddling in a bed.
And yet she is STILL like “you know you gotta romance me, right?” Bitch you JUST SAID…. Neverfuckingmind. I give up.
So today they’re shooting a video that showcases their relationship. The fuck kinda Campus Moviefest bullshit is this?
They’re gonna show the movies to a bunch of locals and I really hope it’s the same sourpusses as the ones who got the gifts. RIP Asaf and Kaylen, they would have made the funniest movie.
Tori: If we could buy cotton candy or ice cream at this place I think that would be great for our movie and also my stomach.
Shandy is describing a porno. “I’m getting all greasy working on a car and you’re just standing there watching me work.” Uh, yay feminism?
I legit can’t believe a fucking auto shop is the best location MTV could secure. Maybe if you don’t spend all your production budget on a cartoon house next time…
Adam and Shannon are fighting and Adam’s just like “calm down” which is the worst thing to say to a woman who’s pissed off.
Mikala somehow manages to throw a temper tantrum and act all negative in the middle of the aquarium. Like, how? Nemo didn’t get lost for you to act all grumpy.
Devin and Rashida are on a boat and their movie involves songs. Oh here we go. BRB gonna go kill myself listening to this Disney shit. Rashida actually has a good voice while Devin sounds like the one Chainsmoker who thinks he can sing.
Tori: I pretty much force Mordan to go with my idea.
The marker of a good relationship.
UGH Alicia is from New Jersey?? Yeah that explains why she sucks so much. We figured it out, guys! Everybody can go home now.
Shanley is like “I totally get why we’re matches because if we weren’t I’d just be a bitch constantly.” Aw, romance!
All these movies are met by laughter. Seems appropriate.
Local: It was funny because it was so lame.
^Describes a vast majority of my dates tbfh.
Adam and Stanley get third place… somehow. Devin and Rashida get second. Cam and Mikala get first! Yay, mom and dad!
And the couple that came in last is… Mike and Alicia. Who’s surprised? No one? Okay.
Damn, if you lose you get your bank account cut in half? Since when is that a thing? Karamo, you apparently have not been doing a good enough job of over-explaining these challenges.
Morgan is upset because they didn’t win which is ridiculous because this was the one challenge that wasn’t physical. Like, it’s obvious they specifically designed it to even the playing field.
Morgan is literally telling Devin that he’s gonna steal and fuck Tori over and when Tori brings it up to him he’s like “IDK man you’re just being oversensitive.” This shit right here is why I don’t fw men rn. Men be like “You fucking bitch I’m gonna come to your house tonight and kill you and your entire bloodline and everyone you care about” and then turn around and be like “Yeah officer IDK why this bitch is acting so paranoid for no reason. Women, amirite?”
So this montage of Devin and Morgan fighting over what type of belly button they have made the final cut, but we don’t even know why Cam and Mikala broke up? Ok, MTV.
Morgan and Tori get voted in again.
For the speeches Tori is like “Last time when we said we were gonna put it all behind us I really meant it.” Eh her speech is meh.
Meanwhile Morgan is so monotone I feel like he did that on purpose. He’s like “Yeah dude IDK it’s tough seeing you upset. If I was gonna steal I would have stolen last week so.” Compelling point!
DEVIN, STOP TRYING TO MAKE MEDUSA HAPPEN. Tori is not at all two-faced for putting her own best interest in this game above yours! Also Devin and Rashida thinking they’re gonna beat Tori and Morgan in the final are some strong fucking words coming from the team that’s lost to them like, three out of four challenges so far.
WAIT. PLOT TWIST.
This is a “blind choice.” They’re never gonna hear the choice the other person made. Both of them are staying. No one is going home. Why the fuck did I waste an hour of my life then?
Alicia: Bitch whaaaat???
^My exact reaction tho.
Rashida: Morgan and Tori are mind-fucked because they’ll never know what the other person picked. …As if they can’t just ask each other later. Are y’all really this stupid?
Well thanks MTV and Karamo for wasting an entire hour of my life. Love you, mean it.
Alright, another Wednesday, another week of me recapping this show. Just like Asaf and Kaylen probably feel right now, I’m kind of surprised I’ve managed to make it this far. These and more terrible jokes, all in today’s recap.
Devin has a huge hard-on for Gio’s absence, while Mike is obviously psyched because he can finally shoot his shot with Alicia. Asaf is just grateful to be here and not get eliminated.
Asaf: So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life. Promise to never take it for granted.
Meanwhile, Adam’s creeping on Carolina.
Adam to Carolina: I don’t usually go for girls like you. I usually go for 5s or 6s, not 10s.
Carolina has the appropriate response, which is to laugh and run away. She’s like “what about Shanley tho?” Good on Carolina, always lookin’ out. #GirlCode
Adam’s like “Shanley and I are just friends. Totally. There would never be anything physical between us,” which is eerily like what every girl says about all of her guy friends.
Adam tries to kiss Carolina; actual footage of what transpires:
That was a hard swerve, in case you didn’t get the joke. I didn’t tell you the jokes would be good.
They’re all playing a drinking game (Tori’s idea—spirit animal), and whoever loses has to streak.
Cam and Mikala are the “squares” of the house because they won’t play. Mike takes the opportunity to wax poetic about Alicia’s beauty.
Mike: From her lips, to her ass, to her titties, Alicia’s gorgeous.
Who said chivalry is dead, ladies?
Everyone’s naked and twerking and Mikala wants to go to sleep. Low-key me in the club. Cam wants to go hang and Mikala won’t let him.
The exact interaction between Cam and Mikala over whether or not he should go and hang is summed up as the following:
Mike and Alicia are on top of each other and he essentially asks her, “Why don’t you like me?”
Alicia: I push you away because I actually like you because I’m in fourth grade and we’re on the playground. (Some liberties taken by me in the quoting.)
Mike: At home I invite girls over to watch Netflix and fuck but I can’t do that here with Alicia. — why, because there’s no Netflix in the house?
For this mission they each get $200 to pick out a gift for the locals. Whoever gets the most thoughtful gift wins. Which is stupid because if you’re a local by definition you do not want any touristy bullshit gifts from the place where you live. But sure.
How did they find these people? Did they put out a casting call and were like “If you’re in Australia and you’ve ever seen Are You The One, you’re in”?
Mikala giving Cam advice on how to shop for this lady like “IDK. Do what you want, just don’t come back and say I fucked up your life.”
Mike and Alicia have $200 but they think $24 is too much to spend on one of the gifts. You guys have $200…for 5 people… Math is not their strong suit.
Adam: I’m pretending like I’m observing things but really I’m not paying attention this entire time. — This is me a lot of the time tbh. Whenever my boss gives me directions, whenever I’m walking down the street…
Carolina and Hayden are having a meltdown and Carolina is like “I wanna kill myself” and Hayden is like “same tho.” Good job, AYTO matchmakers! They’re really perfect for each other!
I am really so sick of Devin and Rashida bragging about themselves for an entire fucking episode. STOP. You’re not even winning!
Asaf is like “Hey let’s get the woman who likes the gym a bikini waxer. Bikini…gym…same thing!” Kaylen, please explain to Asaf what words mean.
Direct quote from Asaf: Yo this would be crazy if we get him a chair we’d be savages yo.
Somebody get this man to Urban Dictionary. That is not even close to the definition of savage.
Wow these people are some of the most ungrateful, hatin-ass motherfuckers I’ve ever seen. These idiots
people really tried to get you all thoughtful gifts when they only knew two random adjectives about you…the least you could do is say thank you.
Jodi: I like vintage stuff.
Also Jodi: My least favorite thing was the vintage clock because it’s ugly.
Morgan and Tori win the challenge. Asaf and Kaylen come in last AGAIN. That’s what happens when you buy someone a fucking chair as a gift. Also, do these people get to keep these gifts? If not, can I have one? I could use a chair *mutters* ingrateful-ass hoes.
Asaf: How did this nerdy Justin Bieber not like the chair? If he’d just sit on it he’d give us first place. —that was a direct quote, BTW.
Asaf says he wanted to date Kaylen after AYTO.
Kaylen: You never said you wanted to date me.
Asaf: Yeah but I thought it.
Don’t care about Hayden/Carolina and Morgan/Tori rehashing the same shit over and over. We all know the gist by now, right? K.
Devin and Co want to vote in Hayden and Carolina basically to keep Asaf/Kaylen in the house because they keep sucking. Devin is really giving Johnny Bananas a run for his money.
Carolina pulls Hayden aside and she’s basically like “You’re such a dick to me Idk why I’d even want to be your friend even though I’ve been trying” and he’s like “U right.”
Carolina’s crying and pouring her heart out and being like “you hurt me” and he’s like “K. If we go in tomorrow, press steal.”
AND IT. IS. GETTING. REAL.
Poor Mike is celebrating the fact that he “got to cuddling” like it’s an accomplishment. JFC Mike, this isn’t your first summer at sleepaway camp. Or actually maybe it is? IDK your life. Point is, this is not a milestone. It’s not even a base. Step it TF up.
OK I actually love this new host because he’s like “Ok you like that Alicia’s beautiful but what do you like about HER?”
Mike: I like that she makes me feel comfortable.
Host: Ok but that’s about YOU. What do you like about HER?
And the couple voted in is…Hayden and Carolina.
So basically Carolina shits on Hayden and is like “you’re mean to me, you’ve never tried to be my friend,” and Hayden is like “yeah.” The host is like “so why would you share tho?”
Carolina: At the end of the day I have a big heart
Translation: At the end of the day I’m a fucking doormat
Hayden doesn’t say shit because he knows he can’t say shit.
Carolina: I feel like our relationship has been horrible but at the end of the day I want you to trust me so I think you know to trust me to make the best choice for us.
Hayden: The ball is in your court I want whatever happens to us to be your decision and no matter what happens I trust you to make the best decision for us.
So basically they just said the same thing.
I hope to god she steals. If not she’s just gonna lose all the money later on.
Carolina chooses… SHARE. YOU IDIOT.
Hayden Chooses…. STEAL.
All the castmates + audience:
Holy shit. I thought I was shook last time but man. Fuck, I am into this show. Damn it, MTV. You got me. Guess I’ll be here all season.
The Host: Hayden, you chose steal. That means you’re going home with all the money; Carolina, that means you’re a lil punk-ass bitch.
Hayden’s like “This is the problem with Carolina, she’s always playing the victim” … he says to the girl he just stole from.
Carolina: Money can’t buy you happiness.
Hayden: But it can buy me a boat.
Honestly Hayden and Gianna deserve each other. Carolina says some shit about karma coming to get him in the end. To which I say, Hayden doesn’t need karma because we have Twitter. Let the memes roll in. Hayden, get ready to be dragged harder than the guy who hurt #HurtBae. I bet that guy’s breathing a sigh of relief, wherever he is.
Hayden: I tried to play this game but my heart took me elsewhere and when I saw an out I took it.
Carolina: Fuck you.
Hayden: I have no comment to Carolina. I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
Devin’s congratulating Hayden on his “baller move,” so Rashida better watch out. Asaf and Kaylen are like “We suck, but we’re still in the game.” I can appreciate their realness. We’ll see if they finally get their shit together next week.