Everyone’s back in town for the holidays, and you know what that means: ex sex texts. Exsexts, if you will. But even if you don’t receive the preemptive “You gonna be in town?” messages, that’s no guarantee you won’t end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and then doing the wrong thing, naked (or not), in your childhood bedroom. And it’s hard to think of something more wrong than that.
How will you navigate the treacherous Turkey Day time, toeing the line between drinks and dick, bars and bros, nostalgia and NOPE? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
Avoid Your Local Haunts
This may seem like a given, but when you’re three rum and cokes deep and your best friend says you should “Drop by the Golden Tee, for old time’s sake!”, you’ll probably forget your old haunt is the graveyard (dive bar) where your ghosts (of partners past) get ghoulish (shitfaced). And it’s not Halloween anymore, hun, so stop starring in your own hangout horror show. Unless you think these ghosts are buying—apology appletinis are definitely “of the season.”
Change Your Instagram Photo to nEXt with the EX Crossed Out
This will send a clear message and not make it seem like you’re considering sleeping with your ex at all, no matter how many apology appletinis he purchases on your behalf. It also doubles as a cute homage to the MTV show your hometown friends will remember fondly and your Chronically Online™ younger friends will pretend they didn’t binge watch when they were home sick from school. It will also provide you and your girlies’ attitude for the evening: next drink, next bar, next awkward encounter with your best friend’s ex, reminding you that everyone is someone’s ex.
Only Wear Sky Crocs
Not only will you appear blasé, unconcerned, and unfuckable, you’ll be walking on air—literally (metaphorically). If you haven’t committed to being 100% undesirable, you can opt for the high-heeled version, but remember: you will be drinking and you will fall down. Just try to make sure you don’t fall into your pick-canopied childhood bed with your ex who probably won’t have a condom because he “hasn’t been excited about anyone since you” and “can pull out without ruining your pink bedspread.” Right.
Oh, Boy, What Else… Maybe… Start Your Period?
Doesn’t the body have a natural response to shutting down your ex or something? Won’t you just start bleeding so you have no choice but to deny your ex the back-in-town booty? Oh, wow, you were on your period last time you were in town and that’s where the giant stain on your childhood sheets came from? Because you… oh — you fucked your ex while on your period in your childhood bed. Well, disregard this, then.
Y’know What? Fuck It—Fuck Him
Look, you’re an adult. You know the repercussions and if you’ve been thinking about doing it this much, well, then, why deny yourself? You’re rarely in town and it doesn’t have to turn into “a thing” if you don’t want it to. You’ve been going to therapy and establishing healthy boundaries in the other sects of your life, why can’t you do it here, too, Janelle? Are you afraid it will turn into “a thing”? Or are you more afraid it won’t? What do you really want here? Do you want him to take responsibility for his wasted life puttering around your hometown and the way he discarded you for greener pastures, a.k.a., younger pussy, because he hasn’t dealt with his traumas and is afraid to delve into the core of his problems and instead regressed into a 24-year-old (literally)? Well, uh… just know he’ll probably never change. And he’ll probably recognize the stained sheets in your childhood bedroom. So.
This holiday season, enjoy your old stomping grounds, even if you do end up fucking your ex in your childhood bedroom. Hopefully it wasn’t as dry as your dad’s turkey dinner or as sour as your sister’s cranberry sauce.
Images: Boris Jovanovic /Stocksy.com
Welcome again to this week’s U Up Podcast’s Hookup Horror Story, where making fun of people and laughing at their embarrassing hookups are required. Here’s another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter for your pleasure. Let’s break it down.
Hey J & J,
Coming in hot with an awkward story and an important question about acceptable, shall we say, TERMINOLOGY in the bedroom.
I’m a single gal in her late 20s, finding myself balls-deep in friends’ weddings lately.
Balls-deep… literally, as we’ll soon see.
Recently I ended up going home after a great wedding and perhaps too many great drinks with guy 5ish years younger than me. All good, no problem there.
Sometimes when you’re single at a wedding, you have to rob the cradle.
But you know when you’re borderline blacked out and then something happens that instantly snaps you into a brief moment of sobriety?
Don’t we all.
Well, we were hooking up and everything was going great however he was talking A LOT. I’m not even sure what he was talking about but I just remember thinking, “wow he is chatty.” It was truly distracting.
That’s the worst. I’m not even sure you can call it “going great” if he was talking the whole time. Kinda kills the mood.
And THEN… he starts enthusiastically repeating over and over, “I wanna make you nut.” I literally laughed out loud the first time he said it. He was not trying to be funny. This was serious. I’ve never heard any dude say NUT in reference to a female orgasm. It was unreal. So, what do you guys think?? Is NUTTING in the lexicon of acceptable dirty talk?
P.s. I nutted
HAHAHA what!!?? I’m actually uncomfortable. I don’t know how she “nutted” after that, because I’d be done.
Can women “nut” (god, just typing that is making me cringe). Listen to Jared and Jordana discuss on the latest episode of U Up?
What do you think? Does this track? Or is it a no? Let us know in the comments!
Image: Maddi Bazzocco / Unsplash
Another week. Another hookup horror story. Hookup culture, for all of its pitfalls, makes up for it by providing hilarious meet-not-cutes like no other cultural phenomenon can. This is especially true for collegiate hookup culture. Something about the sultry mix of frat-level hubris and a sh*t ton of alcohol makes for a cocktail rich in awkward encounters and cringey moments. U Up’s latest awkward sexual encounter is a testament to this, and we broke it down for you.
Dear J&J, Thanks for doing the Lord’s work, I’ve shared the podcast with all my friends and am bringing a huge crowd to your live show in Dallas. A few months ago I had a hilarious sexual experience and thought I should share. I had been hooking up on and off with this guy throughout college—just sex, as I knew he was slightly unhinged.
I’m sorry, unhinged?? I understand making an exception in the name of getting laid. He talks too much? Step up the tongue action. He has a lazy eye? Keep your eyes shut. But if your list of potential “exceptions” includes f*cking the occasional psychopath, I think it’s time to reevaluate your hookup standards.
My senior year I lived in the sorority house and had it on the bucket list to sneak a guy in. I invited him over and he showed up very drunk while I was sober. We start hooking up and I asked if he had a condom and he said no so I told him we couldn’t have sex.
Stay safe, kiddos.
He started freaking out and screaming “f*ck f*ck f*ck” so loud i was worried he was going to wake the house mother.
If the house mother is only a feature in your awkward hookup, and not the main event, you know you’ve got one hell of a story. Greek life is one of those strange institutions that manages to supply you with lots of booze and raunch during your university days, while also making you feel like a high schooler, only with a Mom who is extremely strict and culturally stuck in the 1940s.
To calm him down I told him we could hook up another night this week. He then told me that he was going to “f*ck me until the cows come home” and make me “come so hard he would kill me” he then kept repeating that, saying “I’m gonna kill you Sunday” “I’m gonna kill you Sunday.”
Alright, this guy must be Bachelor-level hot. Nothing makes the entitlement of frat guys clearer when it comes to sex like extremely weird dirty talk and low-key murder threats. Either this guy is a lit major who got a little overzealous with the word play, or lines like this have worked in the past. If it is the former, he clearly needs to work on his transitions, as cows and homicide don’t exactly pair well together. If it is the latter, it is time for us betches to band together and makes sure this behavior does not go rewarded in the future.
He then asked me if we could do “crazy kinky shit” even if we couldn’t have sex and asked me repeatedly to have anal, which we’ve never done.
You do not mention cows in one sentence, then f*cking me in the ass in the next. No. Absolutely not.
I drove him home after that so that I could get him out of the house before he caused more of a scene. In the car, he started trying to finger me while driving and said “i could totally make you crash this car right now” and when I pushed him away he started screaming “f*ck f*ck f*ck” and banging his head against my dashboard so hard I thought he might deploy the airbags.
Well, at the very least he’s consistent. That said, he really needs to reevaluate his standards if crashing a car is somehow a sexual victory. If his affinity for weird pickup lines doesn’t keep him from getting laid in the future, hopefully the massive bruise on his head after BANGING IT ON THE WINDOW (?!?!) will.
I finally got him out of the car and had a story for the ages. Let me know what you would call this!
While part of me (most of me) thinks you should really elevate your standards (aka stop f*cking Crazy Chad), the other part of me is grateful for your service. If this girl is willing to satisfy the sexual cravings of the world’s crazies, I’d say she’s the one doing the Lord’s work here.
How do you feel about banging the occasional crazy? Hear Jared and Jordana’s thoughts on the U Up? podcast below.
If you love laughing at other people’s embarrassing stories and misery, you’ve come to the right place. Jared and Jordana blessed us with another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter story on the U Up? podcast, so we of course have to break it down for you.
“Hi Jared & Jordana! Background info: I recently moved home after a career change and my new-at-the-time boyfriend also moved home after he got out of the military. Both of our mothers are teachers, so it’s rare that either of us get any ~sexy time~ in the summer since someone is always home.”
This situation is already awkward because it feels like these two have reverted back to a high school relationship. Good for them for making it work under the circumstances. I’d feel on edge knowing my mom (or his!) could walk in at any moment and put me in such an uncomfortable situation that I would have to change my identity and move away.
“I was driving home from work one night when he booty called me, so I drove to his house and told my family that I was stuck at work. We got hot & heavy REAL fast, and ended up having sex on his living room floor (the rug burn was worth it).”
I’m sorry, when is rug burn ever worth it? Just do it on the bed like normal people. Maybe I’m just jealous of the youthful vitality that would possess someone to think having sex on the floor is a good idea (can you say knee pain?), or maybe I’m a buzzkill. However boring I may be, I know for a fact that at the end of the day the person who has sex on their bed will be able to then sleep in said bed with much more peace and comfort sans rug burns and bruised knee caps.
“He decided he wanted to cum in my mouth, but wasn’t fast enough; most of the jizz ended up on my face.”
This sentence is just a lot to take in. I feel like this is the kind of sentence my freshman English professor would pick apart mercilessly make us study for an entire class. If you separate it into different lines it could literally be a Rupi Kaur poem. Wow.
“At first this wasn’t an issue, just towel off, right? Wrong. His cum got in one of my eyes, and it immediately turned bloodshot because I wear contacts. I ran to the bathroom to take my contact lens out and flush my eye with water, but it only got worse and started burning.”
This is just the worst. There is no bigger feeling of defeat than when you’ve done something to f*ck up your delicate little eyeball and literally nothing you do to try to fix it makes it feel better. And then the pain is so bad that you start crying and your poor eye starts doing even more work.
“I ended up driving home while holding a wet paper towel over the eye and told my family something got in my eye at work.”
This poor girl can’t catch a break. Her boyfriend gets cum in her eye and then she can’t even go home and bitch about it to whoever will listen. She just has to suffer in silence. What a strong woman. I have so much respect for her, but I do not envy her.
“Anyway, would love to hear what name you give this! I’ll hopefully be seeing you at your Philly show.
What would you call this situation? Would you forgive your boyfriend for this very unfortunate slip-up? Honestly, at least it wasn’t any of their parents walking in on them. To hear what Jared and Jordana thought, listen to U Up? below.
Images: HBO; Tenor (2)
If you enjoyed the story of the girl who lost her tampon in her vagina as told by Jared and Jordana on the U Up? podcast, you’re in luck because here we are again with another awkward sexual encounter to make you feel better about the embarrassing sh*t you gotten yourself into this past weekend. This week, we tell the tale of a girl who found a tick on her hookup in the middle of the deed.
“Hey J&J! I’ve been seeing a girl from the south and she recently took a trip up to visit me in New Jersey,” she writes.
I wonder what a southern belle’s first impression of New Jersey, the so-called armpit of the United States, was. When I hear “girl from the south” I automatically think of a very blonde, very tan, very proper girl who says things like “y’all” and “Roll Tide.” I just realized I’m describing our latest Bachelorette, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, this girl must be really into this person if she jumped at the opportunity to travel to the land of Snooki and Teresa Giudice.
“We spent the afternoon in a botanical garden, having a picnic and rolling around in the grass and such—becoming one with nature, so to speak.”
I didn’t know botanical gardens even had areas private enough to lend themselves to such “rolling around,” but kudos to them for making it work.
“Later that night we were hooking up and as I whipped out our brand new sex toy to penetrate her (P.S. I’m a girl) I felt a bump on her hip. I look down and find a tick attached to her.”
I wonder if it took any amount of time or contemplation for her to determine whether this bump was just a mole or an actual bug burrowed into this girl’s skin. Imagine it was just a mole and she made a big deal out of inspecting this bump? That might have been an even worse story than this one.
“She began freaking out as ticks aren’t something you encounter much in the south.”
Uhh, yeah, no sh*t she was freaking out. Being scared of a tick isn’t really a cultural difference that exists between northerners and southerners. Maybe she’s seen a season or two of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and knows that a tick can give you Lyme disease. It would’ve been weirder if she didn’t freak out. I, for one, do not trust anyone who wouldn’t scream at the sight of a bug sticking out of their skin.
“I ran naked to wake up my roommate in medical school to assess the situation but she was no help.”
What kind of relationship do these roommates have that she feels okay running into her room and waking her up while she’s unclothed? Can you imagine being deep into a blissful slumber when your roommate flings your door open and runs up to your bed stark naked while screaming about a tick? I’d be moving out the next day.
“After some googling we discovered since the tick was only on for a few hours so she’s probably fine, but I most definitely scared her off dear sweet NJ. Hope this gets a laugh!”
As if New Jersey didn’t have a negative enough connotation for the southern girl to begin with, she now associates it with the time she got a tick and narrowly avoided contracting Lyme disease. I feel sorry for the girl who brought her there and wish her the best of luck in continuing that relationship.
What would you do if you brought your hookup to the place where they’d get a tick? Or worse, what would you do if you were the one that got the tick? I feel like I’d honestly be too traumatized to ever speak to the other person again. But I am pretty dramatic and have a crippling fear of bugs, so idk.
To hear Jared and Jordana’s take on this story, listen to U Up? below.
Images: Hector Gomez / Unsplash; Tenor (2); Giphy (2)