From the moment Sex/Life dropped to Netflix on June 25, horny people everywhere have been blind to the fact that it’s problematic because, you know, there’s a lot of sex in it. Pool sex! Car sex! Elevator (almost) sex! Even though you can see nipples and giant penises in every porn on the internet (seriously, what was going on with Brad’s huge d*ck in episode 3?), seeing it on Netflix is shocking, I guess?
Quick recap, in case you were too busy clicking through speeds on your vibrator to follow the “storyline”: Billie (Sarah Shahi) is married to Cooper (Mike Vogel), and the couple has two children (one of whom is a very annoying little kid who honestly needs to learn boundaries). Since having children, Cooper seems uninterested in sex, so Billie starts writing in her journal (which is just a Word doc on her unlocked computer) about her past relationship with bad boy Brad (Adam Demos).
While the plot itself is not great (so not great, in fact, that it’s actually kinda f*cked-up), there are a lot of other really strange things going on that make absolutely no sense. You might not have caught them because you were too busy orgasming on your couch, but luckily, I’m a fantastic multi-tasker. Cartoonishly big schlongs aside, here are a few Sex/Life elements I quite literally cannot wrap my head around.
1. Billie Doesn’t Use Lube
Now I’m not lube-free-sex-shaming, but the sheer lack of lube in the show is sus. I’m not even 30, and I’ve never had kids, but I basically use a whole bottle before even thinking about penetration. Blame it on hormone-zapping birth control or just plain getting older, but I’ve been on the lube train for quite a while. Maybe Billie is the wettest b*tch there ever was (which like, respect). But come on… for someone so apparently sex-positive, it just seems kinda ridic that she’s having amazing penetration after about five seconds of foreplay without a little help.
2. Billie Gets Turned On By A Random FaceTime Of Brad’s D*ck
Personally, I find few things to be less arousing than opening my phone and randomly being greeted by a surprise penis. I’d quite literally rather have a yeast infection than have to unexpectedly see a picture or video of a peen and then have to respond to whichever insecure guy thought this was a good idea. It’s exhausting to even think about. First of all, just to be the party police, unsolicited d*ck pics are considered harassment (and illegal, in some states), not to mention they’re just awkward. I’ve never seen an image of a d*ck and thought, “Wow, I really want to get me some of that.” Ever. Ever! Not even on a good day, and not even with a good d*ck.
Granted, in Billie’s situation, she accepted Brad’s FaceTime, but when he started revealing his junk, she wasn’t like, “Woah man, I’m married” or even like, “Oh my God, are we gonna get flirty?” Instead, she literally GOT TURNED ON by unexpectedly seeing her ex’s pubes on her iPhone. He’s just sitting there flashing his penis and expecting you to fawn over it? No, girl. I’m calling bullsh*t.
3. And She Watched Her Friend F*ck Brad via FaceTime
Speaking of nonconsensual sexting, how about that time Brad FaceTimed Billie and propped up the phone so she could secretly watch him and her best friend, Sasha (Margaret Odette), have sex against a doorframe? And after Billie watched and masturbated, she told Sasha, who acted like it was NBD that, not only did the guy she was hooking up with film her having sex without her knowledge, but her best friend watched it live — and jerked it — again, without her knowledge. Who are these people? Does no one have boundaries or sh*tty wifi? If I told my bestie I watched her f*ck my ex without her knowledge, I’m sure I would be the proud new recipient of a restraining order and a lawsuit, friendship aside.
4. Billie Consistently Gets Off In Missionary
The last I checked, it’s hard for most women to get off by penetration alone. In fact, only 18% find it sufficient to warrant an orgasm. It seems, however, Billie is part of that lucky group. Sure, in her defense, she credits this to Brad’s proficiency in the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT). “There are whole books written on the subject, which either Brad read or never needed to,” Billie says. “But when done right, it provides the ultimate connection, both physical and emotional. I felt closer to him than I had to anyone.”
In reality, the CAT is just a modified version of missionary where the guy is positioned higher up so the base of his penis rubs against her clitoris. But that’s not the only type of missionary sex they’re having. So, even when Brad’s not practicing the (very hard to master) technique, Billie still gets off in mere seconds from penetration? Checks out.
5. Billie’s Husband Goes On A Double Date With Brad
Going on a double date with most people is torture (the small talk, the discussion of splitting the check, the awkward seating arrangements), but going on one with your wife’s ex who she keeps fantasizing about, and her best friend who’s now f*cking said ex? In what world? It’s honestly sadistic. Out of four adults, one person would have to be like, “Yeah, this isn’t going to go well, let’s not do this” and put their foot down. But no! Everyone goes, and surprise! Things don’t go well. Honestly, I’d love to fake invite my husband to that dinner, just to see his reaction. Or maybe I wouldn’t, because that’s grounds for divorce IMO.
6. The Subway Track Scene
I don’t care how hot someone is, if they pulled me down onto a train track, as a train is coming toward me, I would 1000% be seeing their ass in court. I don’t know what for, but I would sue that MFer. What if a piece of metal was jutting out of the side? What if Billie didn’t get to the little nook in time? What if they stumbled while making out as the speeding train whizzed by? While I get there’s a level of hotness to danger, that’s reserved for like, riding a Vespa or wearing white on your period, not for nearly getting squashed by a train to make out with a guy who will literally have sex with you anytime, anywhere.
7. Billie And Cooper Didn’t Discuss Rules Before Going To The Sex Club
At first, it seemed like their friends sprung the whole sex party thing on Billie and Cooper, but during a later fight, it’s brought up that they both agreed to go. What it doesn’t sound like, however, is that they had any sort of conversation before stepping into the new situation. 101 for that kind of thing is talking before attending. It’s obvious they didn’t have any rules laid out and then just didn’t communicate while they were there. I’m sorry, having sex in front of people in that situation is pretty standard, but not wanting to do that is cool. Getting sucked off by your wife’s friend while she watches and cries isn’t as standard.
Also! The show making it seem like that’s what happens at sex clubs is low-key f*cked-up. For 99% of people, it’s something they choose to do together, but go on, Netflix! Let’s add another layer of insecurities for people who are having normal and consensual non-monogamous sex. Le sigh.
8. Cooper Just Keeps Reading Billie’s Journal
Sure, fool me twice, shame on me. But like, not really, because Brad is literally violating his wife’s privacy. Regardless, after reading Billie’s
Word doc journal, he freaks TF and plays the victim, even though uh, you snooped, sir. Yes, it’s unsettling to see your wife is writing about her old relationship, but she actually didn’t do anything wrong in that regard.
That aside, whatever. People snoop, that’s not so far-fetched. What is unrealistic, however, is the fact that Cooper not only reads Billie’s journal, but she knows he’s reading it, and he knows she knows he’s reading it, and he just keeps reading it, and she just keeps writing in it. This is just straight-up masochistic. Yes, he should be cut loose for snooping, but I’d also maybe stop writing scandy things (at least in the same place) if I knew my S.O. was being a little lurking b*tch, but that’s just me.
9. Billie Doesn’t Have A F*cking Lock On Her Computer
Cooper’s snooping brings me to the most unrealistic, absurd element of the entire show: Billie’s “journal.” This smart woman is writing her feelings down in a simple word document she leaves up on her computer. Her computer that doesn’t have a lock screen. And the same computer she just leaves lying on the counter for anyone to open and use.
Billie’s a professional. What professional doesn’t have a lock on their computer? What non-professional doesn’t? You have sensitive emails and bank statements and in her case, musings about your ex on there! And after her hubs snooped, you’d think she’d spend one second to go into settings and whip up a password based on her childhood pet, but nope! Billie just keeps writing in her little doc on her computer that she leaves out and expects her insecure husband not to snoop. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND HOW IS SHE GIVING LECTURES?
What it all comes down to is this: Sex/Life is no Bridgerton, and if these people lived in the world of Lady Whistledown, it wouldn’t have taken an entire season for their relationship to crumble. And honestly? They’d probably be having a hell of a lot better sex, too.
Images: COURTESY OF NETFLIX (2)
If you love laughing at other people’s embarrassing stories and misery, you’ve come to the right place. Jared and Jordana blessed us with another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter story on the U Up? podcast, so we of course have to break it down for you.
“Hi Jared & Jordana! Background info: I recently moved home after a career change and my new-at-the-time boyfriend also moved home after he got out of the military. Both of our mothers are teachers, so it’s rare that either of us get any ~sexy time~ in the summer since someone is always home.”
This situation is already awkward because it feels like these two have reverted back to a high school relationship. Good for them for making it work under the circumstances. I’d feel on edge knowing my mom (or his!) could walk in at any moment and put me in such an uncomfortable situation that I would have to change my identity and move away.
“I was driving home from work one night when he booty called me, so I drove to his house and told my family that I was stuck at work. We got hot & heavy REAL fast, and ended up having sex on his living room floor (the rug burn was worth it).”
I’m sorry, when is rug burn ever worth it? Just do it on the bed like normal people. Maybe I’m just jealous of the youthful vitality that would possess someone to think having sex on the floor is a good idea (can you say knee pain?), or maybe I’m a buzzkill. However boring I may be, I know for a fact that at the end of the day the person who has sex on their bed will be able to then sleep in said bed with much more peace and comfort sans rug burns and bruised knee caps.
“He decided he wanted to cum in my mouth, but wasn’t fast enough; most of the jizz ended up on my face.”
This sentence is just a lot to take in. I feel like this is the kind of sentence my freshman English professor would pick apart mercilessly make us study for an entire class. If you separate it into different lines it could literally be a Rupi Kaur poem. Wow.
“At first this wasn’t an issue, just towel off, right? Wrong. His cum got in one of my eyes, and it immediately turned bloodshot because I wear contacts. I ran to the bathroom to take my contact lens out and flush my eye with water, but it only got worse and started burning.”
This is just the worst. There is no bigger feeling of defeat than when you’ve done something to f*ck up your delicate little eyeball and literally nothing you do to try to fix it makes it feel better. And then the pain is so bad that you start crying and your poor eye starts doing even more work.
“I ended up driving home while holding a wet paper towel over the eye and told my family something got in my eye at work.”
This poor girl can’t catch a break. Her boyfriend gets cum in her eye and then she can’t even go home and bitch about it to whoever will listen. She just has to suffer in silence. What a strong woman. I have so much respect for her, but I do not envy her.
“Anyway, would love to hear what name you give this! I’ll hopefully be seeing you at your Philly show.
What would you call this situation? Would you forgive your boyfriend for this very unfortunate slip-up? Honestly, at least it wasn’t any of their parents walking in on them. To hear what Jared and Jordana thought, listen to U Up? below.
Images: HBO; Tenor (2)
If you enjoyed the story of the girl who lost her tampon in her vagina as told by Jared and Jordana on the U Up? podcast, you’re in luck because here we are again with another awkward sexual encounter to make you feel better about the embarrassing sh*t you gotten yourself into this past weekend. This week, we tell the tale of a girl who found a tick on her hookup in the middle of the deed.
“Hey J&J! I’ve been seeing a girl from the south and she recently took a trip up to visit me in New Jersey,” she writes.
I wonder what a southern belle’s first impression of New Jersey, the so-called armpit of the United States, was. When I hear “girl from the south” I automatically think of a very blonde, very tan, very proper girl who says things like “y’all” and “Roll Tide.” I just realized I’m describing our latest Bachelorette, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, this girl must be really into this person if she jumped at the opportunity to travel to the land of Snooki and Teresa Giudice.
“We spent the afternoon in a botanical garden, having a picnic and rolling around in the grass and such—becoming one with nature, so to speak.”
I didn’t know botanical gardens even had areas private enough to lend themselves to such “rolling around,” but kudos to them for making it work.
“Later that night we were hooking up and as I whipped out our brand new sex toy to penetrate her (P.S. I’m a girl) I felt a bump on her hip. I look down and find a tick attached to her.”
I wonder if it took any amount of time or contemplation for her to determine whether this bump was just a mole or an actual bug burrowed into this girl’s skin. Imagine it was just a mole and she made a big deal out of inspecting this bump? That might have been an even worse story than this one.
“She began freaking out as ticks aren’t something you encounter much in the south.”
Uhh, yeah, no sh*t she was freaking out. Being scared of a tick isn’t really a cultural difference that exists between northerners and southerners. Maybe she’s seen a season or two of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and knows that a tick can give you Lyme disease. It would’ve been weirder if she didn’t freak out. I, for one, do not trust anyone who wouldn’t scream at the sight of a bug sticking out of their skin.
“I ran naked to wake up my roommate in medical school to assess the situation but she was no help.”
What kind of relationship do these roommates have that she feels okay running into her room and waking her up while she’s unclothed? Can you imagine being deep into a blissful slumber when your roommate flings your door open and runs up to your bed stark naked while screaming about a tick? I’d be moving out the next day.
“After some googling we discovered since the tick was only on for a few hours so she’s probably fine, but I most definitely scared her off dear sweet NJ. Hope this gets a laugh!”
As if New Jersey didn’t have a negative enough connotation for the southern girl to begin with, she now associates it with the time she got a tick and narrowly avoided contracting Lyme disease. I feel sorry for the girl who brought her there and wish her the best of luck in continuing that relationship.
What would you do if you brought your hookup to the place where they’d get a tick? Or worse, what would you do if you were the one that got the tick? I feel like I’d honestly be too traumatized to ever speak to the other person again. But I am pretty dramatic and have a crippling fear of bugs, so idk.
To hear Jared and Jordana’s take on this story, listen to U Up? below.
Images: Hector Gomez / Unsplash; Tenor (2); Giphy (2)
As much as we all like to think of ourselves as empathetic beings who don’t get enjoyment out of people’s misery, we all love to cringe (and laugh) at a good embarrassing sex story. It’s fun to hear about the horrible things people have been traumatized by in bed, as long as we’re not the ones undergoing the traumatizing. That’s why this crazy story Jared and Jordana chose as the “Awkward Sexual Encounter” of the week that on the U Up? podcast that a fan sent in is so horribly entertaining. And before you come swinging with your “ThIs DeFiNiTeLy DiDn’T hApPeN!!1!1” comments, homegirl sent us a picture of her literal receipt for proof (but more on that later).
The listener wrote, “So yesterday was a major annual parade in my city – everyone day drinks for it and goes out to bars afterwards. After many hours of drinking and a few too many vodka sodas, I met a guy in a bar and we hit it off. My memory of the entire night is fuzzy at best, but we went home together. I woke up the next morning needing to pee and to get some water. As I was peeing, I realized I had gotten my period the day before but had no memory of taking my tampon out. I reached down to feel for the string but couldn’t find it.”
Oh no. Imagine the panicked thoughts running through this poor girl’s head at this point. Sunday scaries at their STRONGEST. Was the tampon totally gone? Did she not realize she had been free bleeding all night? Then she figured out what actually happened, which was even worse.
“Terror began to set in. Upon further investigation, I found the tampon lodged deep in my vagina. I knew that we hadn’t had sex but he had fingered me A LOT. Apparently in the process, he had shoved my tampon so far up that I couldn’t get it out. This is literally the type of horror story you hear about in middle school Sex Ed.
“I got back into bed with him and felt like I needed to tell him in case I died of sepsis on the spot. He was a great sport – clearly had not felt the tampon at any point the night before and felt badly about it but we were able to joke about it. Anyway, after a lot of googling for tips and tricks and a few hours of fishing around, I gave up and went to Urgent Care.”
Can you imagine the horrifying moment of accepting defeat, swallowing any pride you had left, and surrendering your vagina to a medical professional to remove the tampon stuck so far up it? I just shuddered.
II think basically the entire staff was behind the front desk when they asked me what I needed help with. I’m free of the “foreign body” but have to use pads this week because my poor vagina took such a beating.”
To spare this girl of any more embarrassment after having gone through all of this and then sending it to us to share with the whole world, I won’t attach the picture of her urgent care outpatient form. But I will tell you that it actually has the words “The following issue was addressed: foreign body in vagina” on it. Next time you wake up the morning after a hookup and feel bad about not remembering much from the night before, be grateful that you don’t have a tampon wedged so far up your vagina that you have to have a doctor remove it.
To hear more from Jared and Jordana on this unfortunate story, listen to U Up? below.
Images: Kinga Cichewicz / Unsplash; Tenor (2); Giphy (2)
I’m sure we all have our fair share of awkward sex stories. Maybe it was when you lost your virginity and he poked around for 10 minutes trying to find the hole with no luck. Or maybe it was last week when your period came early all over his white sheets. I’m honestly cringing just thinking about it all of my embarrassing sex stories (and trust me, there are a lot). But once you get past the embarrassment of accidentally letting one rip while you’re doing it, it makes for a great story down the line. And what’s better than your own embarrassing sex stories? Embarrassing celebrity sex stories. Whether it makes them seem more human or makes me feel better about myself, awkward celeb sex stories are sooooo amazing. Hearing of the most awkward times our fav celebrities were having sex and it went from romantic to embarrassing v fast is extremely enjoyable. Here is a list of some of the best embarrassing celebrity sex stories, for your viewing pleasure.
Kris And Caitlyn Jenner
Back when Kris and Caitlyn were still married, they had a rather rambunctious sex life. I don’t think I need to remind you of when Kris accidentally slipped Rob a Viagra, or how they used to have a stripper pole in their bedroom. But one time, the couple was flying a commercial airline *gasp* (don’t worry, they were in first class). They decided to join the prestigious Mile High Club. How people actually do it, I don’t know. But they did their thing and “felt they got away with it.” Until the flight attendant got onto the speaker at the end of the flight to congratulate the Jenners on joining the club! They were given a bottle of champagne to celebrate! Honestly, that flight attendant should get a raise.
Honestly, this embarrassing celebrity sex stories list would not be complete without another Kardashian/Jenner family member. In 2016, Khloé wrote on her app and website about the time she had sex in a moving vehicle. She rated it a “two out of five” because it was v uncomfortable and “hurts her f*cking knees” since she is tall. She clarified that this all went down in the backseat, though, so neither she nor this mystery man were driving. So my only question is, who TF was driving?!
Hilton lost her virginity at 15 to Randy Spelling (Tori Spelling’s brother). And while most people’s first times are not their finest moments, this one takes the cake among these embarrassing celebrity sex stories. He said that after they snuck off to have sex, “I hear this knock knock knock on the door, and I look out and her grandma’s there. And then I look out the window and I see Paris in a full-on dress with a suitcase running down the golf course.” First of all, what was in the suitcase? Why did Paris take it with her? And also, I wonder what he said to her grandma …
Nick Cannon And Mariah Carey
In an interview back in 2012, Cannon admitted that he and then-wife, Carey, would get down and dirty to her music. And when Carey isn’t there? He masturbated to her songs. Um, wow. That is a new level of narcissism. Their favorite song to have sex to was “Hero” and honestly, I’ll never be able to listen to that song in the same way again. It may not be embarrassing for them, but I definitely have some secondhand embarrassment hearing about this. It seems a little weird, but whatever gets you off, dude.
Cara admits that she is a frequent member of the mile high club, but there is one story that stands out. She was once having sex on a plane in the chair (yes, not the bathroom) and some guy kept watching them. I mean, wouldn’t you at least take a peek if people were getting it on in the row next to you?? Instead of stopping, as any logical person would, they asked the stewardess to ask the man to stop watching them so they could continue. Sure, that’s a normal reaction. She recalls the situation as “disgusting” and called him a “pervert” but like, do you blame him for staring?
Ariana Grande And Pete Davidson
Keep in mind that Davidson has a tendency to overshare. He told Howard Stern in 2018 that he always thanks Ariana for having sex with him and always apologized afterward. If that isn’t awkward enough, he told Stern that he has a trick to help him last longer in bed. He said that he thinks of his father, who was a firefighter who died in 9/11, “being burned alive.” I’m not a guy and don’t experience boners. But that seems like an automatic boner-killer, rather than just a technique to help you last longer. I’m truly uncomfortable. Then again, Pete is known for openly talking about his dad’s death and joking about it, so it is very possible he’s not being serious. At least, I hope he’s not.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4)