Hookup Horror Story: A Little Nutty

Welcome again to this week’s U Up Podcast’s Hookup Horror Story, where making fun of people and laughing at their embarrassing hookups are required. Here’s another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter for your pleasure. Let’s break it down.

Hey J & J,

Coming in hot with an awkward story and an important question about acceptable, shall we say, TERMINOLOGY in the bedroom. 

I’m a single gal in her late 20s, finding myself balls-deep in friends’ weddings lately. 

Balls-deep… literally, as we’ll soon see.

Recently I ended up going home after a great wedding and perhaps too many great drinks with guy 5ish years younger than me. All good, no problem there.

Sometimes when you’re single at a wedding, you have to rob the cradle.

 But you know when you’re borderline blacked out and then something happens that instantly snaps you into a brief moment of sobriety? 

Don’t we all. 

Well, we were hooking up and everything was going great however he was talking A LOT. I’m not even sure what he was talking about but I just remember thinking, “wow he is chatty.” It was truly distracting. 

That’s the worst. I’m not even sure you can call it “going great” if he was talking the whole time. Kinda kills the mood.

And THEN… he starts enthusiastically repeating over and over, “I wanna make you nut.” I literally laughed out loud the first time he said it. He was not trying to be funny. This was serious. I’ve never heard any dude say NUT in reference to a female orgasm. It was unreal. So, what do you guys think?? Is NUTTING in the lexicon of acceptable dirty talk? 

Lemme know.

P.s. I nutted

 

HAHAHA what!!?? I’m actually uncomfortable. I don’t know how she “nutted” after that, because I’d be done.

Can women “nut” (god, just typing that is making me cringe). Listen to Jared and Jordana discuss on the latest episode of U Up? 

What do you think? Does this track? Or is it a no? Let us know in the comments!

Image: Maddi Bazzocco / Unsplash

“He Came In My Eye”: Hookup Horror Story

If you love laughing at other people’s embarrassing stories and misery, you’ve come to the right place. Jared and Jordana blessed us with another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter story on the U Up? podcast, so we of course have to break it down for you. 

“Hi Jared & Jordana! Background info: I recently moved home after a career change and my new-at-the-time boyfriend also moved home after he got out of the military. Both of our mothers are teachers, so it’s rare that either of us get any ~sexy time~ in the summer since someone is always home.”

This situation is already awkward because it feels like these two have reverted back to a high school relationship. Good for them for making it work under the circumstances. I’d feel on edge knowing my mom (or his!) could walk in at any moment and put me in such an uncomfortable situation that I would have to change my identity and move away. 

“I was driving home from work one night when he booty called me, so I drove to his house and told my family that I was stuck at work. We got hot & heavy REAL fast, and ended up having sex on his living room floor (the rug burn was worth it).”

I’m sorry, when is rug burn ever worth it? Just do it on the bed like normal people. Maybe I’m just jealous of the youthful vitality that would possess someone to think having sex on the floor is a good idea (can you say knee pain?), or maybe I’m a buzzkill. However boring I may be, I know for a fact that at the end of the day the person who has sex on their bed will be able to then sleep in said bed with much more peace and comfort sans rug burns and bruised knee caps.

“He decided he wanted to cum in my mouth, but wasn’t fast enough; most of the jizz ended up on my face.”

This sentence is just a lot to take in. I feel like this is the kind of sentence my freshman English professor would pick apart mercilessly make us study for an entire class. If you separate it into different lines it could literally be a Rupi Kaur poem. Wow.

“At first this wasn’t an issue, just towel off, right? Wrong. His cum got in one of my eyes, and it immediately turned bloodshot because I wear contacts. I ran to the bathroom to take my contact lens out and flush my eye with water, but it only got worse and started burning.”

This is just the worst. There is no bigger feeling of defeat than when you’ve done something to f*ck up your delicate little eyeball and literally nothing you do to try to fix it makes it feel better. And then the pain is so bad that you start crying and your poor eye starts doing even more work.

“I ended up driving home while holding a wet paper towel over the eye and told my family something got in my eye at work.”

This poor girl can’t catch a break. Her boyfriend gets cum in her eye and then she can’t even go home and bitch about it to whoever will listen. She just has to suffer in silence. What a strong woman. I have so much respect for her, but I do not envy her.

“Anyway, would love to hear what name you give this! I’ll hopefully be seeing you at your Philly show.

Much love,

Pirate girl”

What would you call this situation? Would you forgive your boyfriend for this very unfortunate slip-up? Honestly, at least it wasn’t any of their parents walking in on them. To hear what Jared and Jordana thought, listen to U Up? below.

Images: HBO; Tenor (2)

‘My Tampon Got Stuck Up My Vagina’: Hookup Horror Story

As much as we all like to think of ourselves as empathetic beings who don’t get enjoyment out of people’s misery, we all love to cringe (and laugh) at a good embarrassing sex story. It’s fun to hear about the horrible things people have been traumatized by in bed, as long as we’re not the ones undergoing the traumatizing. That’s why this crazy story Jared and Jordana chose as the “Awkward Sexual Encounter” of the week that on the U Up? podcast that a fan sent in is so horribly entertaining. And before you come swinging with your “ThIs DeFiNiTeLy DiDn’T hApPeN!!1!1” comments, homegirl sent us a picture of her literal receipt for proof (but more on that later).

The listener wrote, “So yesterday was a major annual parade in my city – everyone day drinks for it and goes out to bars afterwards. After many hours of drinking and a few too many vodka sodas, I met a guy in a bar and we hit it off. My memory of the entire night is fuzzy at best, but we went home together. I woke up the next morning needing to pee and to get some water. As I was peeing, I realized I had gotten my period the day before but had no memory of taking my tampon out. I reached down to feel for the string but couldn’t find it.”

Oh no. Imagine the panicked thoughts running through this poor girl’s head at this point. Sunday scaries at their STRONGEST. Was the tampon totally gone? Did she not realize she had been free bleeding all night? Then she figured out what actually happened, which was even worse.

“Terror began to set in. Upon further investigation, I found the tampon lodged deep in my vagina. I knew that we hadn’t had sex but he had fingered me A LOT. Apparently in the process, he had shoved my tampon so far up that I couldn’t get it out. This is literally the type of horror story you hear about in middle school Sex Ed.

“I got back into bed with him and felt like I needed to tell him in case I died of sepsis on the spot. He was a great sport – clearly had not felt the tampon at any point the night before and felt badly about it but we were able to joke about it. Anyway, after a lot of googling for tips and tricks and a few hours of fishing around, I gave up and went to Urgent Care.”

Can you imagine the horrifying moment of accepting defeat, swallowing any pride you had left, and surrendering your vagina to a medical professional to remove the tampon stuck so far up it? I just shuddered. 

II think basically the entire staff was behind the front desk when they asked me what I needed help with. I’m free of the “foreign body” but have to use pads this week because my poor vagina took such a beating.”

To spare this girl of any more embarrassment after having gone through all of this and then sending it to us to share with the whole world, I won’t attach the picture of her urgent care outpatient form. But I will tell you that it actually has the words “The following issue was addressed: foreign body in vagina” on it. Next time you wake up the morning after a hookup and feel bad about not remembering much from the night before, be grateful that you don’t have a tampon wedged so far up your vagina that you have to have a doctor remove it.

To hear more from Jared and Jordana on this unfortunate story, listen to U Up? below.

Images: Kinga Cichewicz / Unsplash; Tenor (2); Giphy (2)

The 8 Most Awkward Things That Happen During Sex & How To Fix Them

You’d think that after years of (sometimes intermittent) practice, sex would stop being awkward. Tragically, that’s not at all the case. According to Hollywood, sex is a magical, relationship-affirming union, but in reality it’s about as pretty as you when you first wake up on a Sunday morning. Like, it’s hard to ascend to a higher spiritual plane with your lover when you’re half-choking on a stray pubic hair and/or focused on holding in a queef. I’m not saying it can’t be done—just that approximately a bajillion awkward things can happen during sex, usually at the exact moment you wish they wouldn’t. You know, because you didn’t already have enough embarrassing moments in your life to agonize over when you’re trying to fall asleep.

But sex is awesome, so we soldier on anyway in the pursuit of orgasms. At least it gives us something to talk about at Sunday morning (er, afternoon) brunch?

1. Queefing

Ah yes, the queef. The genital fart, or as I like to call it, the sexual showstopper (because you pause out of sheer embarrassment every time). Queefing can happen anywhere—yoga class, that time you drunkenly tried to do a split and your BFF had to help you get back up without tearing a muscle, etc.—but it’s pretty much guaranteed to happen during sex, especially the athletic variety. Which, considering you never work out, is basically every variety.

When this happens, there’s not much you can do, so like most embarrassing things, your best bet is to summon what you learned in that acting class you took in 8th grade and laugh it off. Queefing isn’t the end of the world—I mean, what else do you expect when an object is repeatedly crammed into your vagina? If the guy your banging has ever had sex before, which I sincerely hope he has, he should know it’s just a result of a pocket of air getting trapped in your vag and not actual gas. In other words, it’s not a big deal and neither of you should be fazed by a queef at all. If it keeps happening, switch positions. If he laughs at you, he’s a fuckboy, and you have my permission to kick him out of your bed mid-thrust.

Boy Bye

2. Farting

Sex is 1) an athletic activity and 2) involves a considerable amount of jostling your insides. Whether you’re having anal sex or ate way too much Chipotle before he came over, farts can easily sneak up on you or your partner, but unlike queefs, they aren’t easily ignored.

If you were farted on, you have two options: call it quits, depending on how good the sex was/how desperately horny you are at that moment; or pretend you didn’t hear or smell it if you want good sex karma (because sooner or later the tables are going to turn). If you were the farter, all you can do is hope he’s turned on enough to ignore it. Otherwise, apologize and delete his number immediately after he leaves, because that shit is impossible to recover from and you don’t want to embarrass yourself further by texting him when you’re blackout. Actually, maybe you should change your name and move across the country just in case.

Read: The 7 Foods To Never Order On A Date When You Know You’re Going Home With Him
 

3. Choosing To Spit Or Swallow

To prevent that awkward moment when you’re making eye contact with the dude who just came in your mouth and he can clearly see the gears turning in your head as you considering whether to spit or swallow, make that decision before you give a blow job. Fucking duh. That way, you can run straight for the bathroom before he has time to be offended.

Mulan

(Side note: Any dude who’s legitimately hurt by people who don’t swallow should give a BJ and see how quickly they change their mind.)

4. Getting A Cramp

If you get a little too ambitious with your positioning, you can wind up getting a cramp in the middle of getting down to business. (Does anyone else feel like sex takes way more athleticism than any reasonable human possesses?) The simplest solution is to change positions, but I’d say you should turn it into an excuse for a free massage.

5. Getting Your Period

Dudes can handle all kinds of blood in movies, but as soon as the blood in question comes from a vagina, they turn into terrified babies. It’s baffling. Anyway, getting your period during sex can be hellaciously awkward depending on how chill your man is. One minute, everything is fine. The next, you’re riding the Crimson Wave, among other things, and the bed looks like a crime scene from Law and Order: SVU.

The Shining

If he’s not cool with period sex, that’s his decision, but while you’re watching Netflix and washing your sheets five minutes later, remind him that he could totally be having sex instead. If he is down to go with Aunt Flo, put down a towel and congratulate yourself on hooking up with someone who’s adult enough to handle the sight of blood.

6. Losing A Hard-On

Finally, something that’s embarrassing for the dude—a win for feminism, y’all. There’s nothing quite as awkward as your partner whipping off his pants only to reveal a limp penis dangling in the wind, but it doesn’t mean you’re secretly terrible at sex or so hideous you cause hard-ons to wilt wherever you go. (As if.) Luckily for you, we have an entire guide to dealing with a Putty Penis. Enjoy.

7. Running Out Of Dirty Talk

Dirty talk is way easier said than, well, said. The key to doing it correctly is conviction; you can make pretty much anything sound hot if you say it like it’s your wildest fantasy. But that makes it even more awkward when you start to run out of things to talk about—you don’t want to repeat yourself, but what are you supposed to say once you’ve covered sluttiness, the size of his penis, and everything else you can think of?

Do You Like Cheese

The solution is simple: Shut up while you’re ahead. Above all, do NOT start rambling, or the sex will get weird very quickly. Just start moaning really loud and repeating how much you’re enjoying it. That usually does the trick.

8. Accidental Facials

I’m told some people are into facials, and more power to them. I, on the other hand, prefer not to be unexpectedly sprayed in the face (usually the eye, because the world is unjust) with any kind of bodily fluid. It stings, it smells weird, and worst of all, it ruins the cat-eye makeup I spent literal hours learning how to do from Instagram videos just to impress the guy who ruined it with his ejaculation.

IMO, this is grounds for immediately running to the bathroom, washing my face, and making him wait until I’ve fixed my makeup before going for round two. The punishment fits the crime.

Read: 9 Things You Should NEVER Do In Bed