I Tried The Ketogenic Diet & This Is Why You Should Too

At this point in the year (aka February) most of us are either 30 days deep into our “New Year/New Me” diet, or we’re 29 days deep into our “Same Me/Same Shit” cheat spiral. No shade either way. Everyone’s journey is different. This year, for the first time in my entire life (unless you count getting the flu a diet), I actually stuck to the meal plan that I chose on 1/1/18, and I am now here to annoyingly brag tell you all about it. It’s called the Ketogenic diet, or Keto diet, which may ring a bell from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette when Blake the aspiring drummer wouldn’t STFU about it. 

I decided to give this diet a try after getting insanely jealous watching a friend lose 50 pounds on it. He’s a guy, so he’s blessed with the ability to lose weight in his sleep; but I figured if I lost even the smallest portion of that weight, I’d finally be the the gorgeous model version of myself that I always imagine myself to be when zoning out to Ariana Grande and picturing myself as one of her backup dancers—I mean, what?

(Actual footage of me as a backup dancer.)

Wtf Is The Ketogenic Diet?

The Keto diet is a super low carb, low sugar diet. The basic point is for you to eat so few carbs (ideally 20-25gs per day) that your body starts running off ketones, rather than the glucose or insulin your body produces when you’re eating tons of carbs. When glucose is your primary source of energy, your body doesn’t need fat to function and the fat ends up being stored in your body etc…etc… your thighs touch now.

(Note: My thighs touched before the Keto diet. They touched during the Keto diet. And they will touch long after I give up finish the Keto diet. My thighs will always touch. They are v close friends who like each other a lot, and who am I to pull them apart?)

(Note #2: I know that first paragraph sounded like Cady Heron explaining the science behind Kalteen bars to Regina George, but I promise what I said is backed with actual science.)

Ketones are produced from a breakdown of fats in the liver. Once you’re running off ketones, your body becomes a fat burning machine, which is great, because this diet requires eating a fuckton of fats. Ideally, you’re going to be getting 60-75% of your calories from fat, 15-30% from protein, and 5% from carbs.  If you’re going to get into Keto, you’re gonna have to be okay with the fact that you’re now going to be one of those people who talks about their “macros” now. I was about a week into my Keto journey the first time I heard myself say, “Ugh, my macros are all over the place today,” and had to run over to a mirror and make sure I was, in fact, still myself.

So Wtf Can You Eat?

A lot of stuff, actually! For me, I’ve always had a very hard time sticking to diets and meal plans, and an even worse time counting calories. Keto was the easiest plan I’ve ever had to stick to, because once you learn all the different types of foods you can eat, it’s pretty easy to throw some meals together. Just make sure you’re DTC (down to cook) because a lot of the shit you find while eating out is packed with secret carbs that will totally kill your Keto vibe. Here’s a list of foods that will become your life on keto:

MCT Oil: If Coconut oil is Khloé and Olive Oil is Kourtney, MCT Oil is the Kim of the Keto-friendly oil family. MCT oil is a medium chain fatty acid that can have a positive effect on fat burning and weight reduction. It helps curb your appetite, burn fat as fuel, and generally helps you lose weight. MCT oil helps increase ketone production, and you can literally put it in everything.

Avocados: Already obsessed with avocados? Good, because you’re going to eat a whoooole fuckload of them on Keto. Yep, turns out that whole “healthy fats” thing is real, and avocados are totally full of them. So yeah, eat as much guac as you’d like, just ditch the chips. You can literally just eat guac by the spoonful on this diet, not that I have ever done that.

Dry Riced Vegetables: If you’re a carbs addict like I am, the hardest part of keto will be missing your dearly beloved grains. That’s where dry riced vegetables come in. They’re vegetables…turned into rice. Groundbreaking. Keto & Co has great dry cauliflower and broccoli rice for like, eight bucks. One pack makes a whole pound of rice so you can trick your brain into thinking you’re eating carbs. As an added bonus, I read on Twitter once that cauliflower is the new avocados, which were the new kale, so this rice is also v trendy.

Burrito Bowls: Guess what—Chipotle can still be a thing in your life on Keto. Astounding, I know. Anytime I need to eat out, I just hop over to my local burrito purveyor and get a burrito bowl with no beans or rice. Then I get mixed greens, fajita veggies, whatever meat I’m feeling like that day, salsa, sour cream, and sooooo much guac they’re probably tempted to charge me extra-extra.

Pork Rinds: A lot of Keto for me was tricking my body into thinking I’m eating the foods I used to be obsessed with, like chips. On Keto, you can eat pork rinds, which is just like, pork skin turned into a chip. If you’re not already into them, give yourself 1-2 chipless days and you will be. Trust me.

Shakes: Like in most diets, shakes are your friend. Just throw a bunch of Keto-friendly ingredients in a blender and voilà, you are healthy, and everyone who sees you walking down the street with that green drink concoction knows it. If you’re too lazy to even think of ingredients for a shake (hi) Ketolent also has powdered shakes in chocolate and vanilla that are wayyyy tastier than any fitness-related shake has any business being.

A Fuckton Of Eggs: Yeah I mean, you’re going to be eating a lot of eggs, in all varieties. The limit does not exist on how many eggs you can eat. Go nuts.

Alcohol: Vodka, tequila, rum, gin, whiskey, scotch, brandy, and cognac are all drinkable on Keto. I know, right? And if you’re thinking, “Uh, I can’t just drink liquor all the time I’m already blacking out enough as it is,” don’t worry. You can actually still drink beer and wine on Keto, just be sure to keep an eye on the carbs. The only thing your really have to avoid are fancy, flavored cocktails and sweet wines. Other than that, go nuts.*

 

*Please drink and Keto responsibly.

Is Butter A Carb?

No, actually. Eat as much butter as your little heart desires. Drown in butter if you want to. On Keto, the world is your buttery, buttery oyster. Congrats.

Any Issues?

I honestly do not know how anyone who is vegetarian, vegan, lactose intolerant, or morally opposed to cooking would do this diet. There’s just, like, a lot of meat and cheese going on here, and while I’m sure there are ways to substitute things in and out, that sounds like an enormous pain in the ass. As soon as a diet gets more complicated than following a basic meal plan, it’s a no from me. I also like cooking and meal planning (brag), so I found getting my Keto meals prepped to be very calming. That might not be the case for sane other people. The biggest issue I ran into is that I just don’t love Stevia, which is the go-to Keto sweetener. I made a bunch of sweet Keto treats that I ended up not eating because Stevia tastes like medicine to me. Eventually, I gave up on trying to make Stevia happen and just switched to coconut sugar, which isn’t ideal for Keto but hey, neither was I at the beginning. 

Helpful Products

The number one thing you’re going to want to be successful on this diet is either MyFitnessPal or some kind of meal tracker so you can make sure your macros are in order. I also read The Complete Ketogenic Diet for Beginners: Your Essential Guide to Living the Keto Lifestyle, which is all info you can find online (and in this article tbh), but buying a book made it feel more offish. The book also has a lot of really good recipes that don’t take long or require cooking knowledge beyond a few binge-watches of Top Chef.

If the lack of snacks is already scaring you, Keto Delivered is a Keto-friendly snack delivery service that will send you all sorts of shit you never thought you’d have again. Personally, they sent me a Keto cookie mix that made me feel like I was having real cookies again, and some low-carb maple syrup which I used to make Keto pancakes. The boxes also contain fun recipes you never would have thought of (I repeat, Keto pancakes).

But Does It Work Tho?

I am happy to announce that as of this day, I am 5 pounds lighter, which was my goal. I also have genuinely felt a lot more energy, and been fuller for longer since saying goodbye to bread and re-focusing my life around my love of cheese. The fact that you can still drink on Keto made this diet a whole lot easier than the ones I’ve done in the past that limit your drinks to a laughable two per week (Do you even know my life??).

Full disclosure, I was not 100% keto 100% of the time. There were a few ramen trips in there, and my mom sent me a Valentine’s basket with some chocolates in it and it would have been like, rude not to eat them so I did.

On the bright side, a few cheat days did not totally wreck my progress here and I’m still basically 80% Keto over a month in. Considering my previous diets have lasted about three hours, the fact that I made it to February on this one should speak volumes.

Images: Brooke Lark / Unsplash; Giphy (10)

Somebody Please Explain Why Diet Avocados Exist

We’re all familiar with this dilemma: You want to eat an avocado because they are delicious and supposedly full of “healthy fat” (whatever tf that is). You go to preemptively enter one into your calorie counter and realize, “Fuck, this is a lot of calories for something that is supposed to keep me skinny. But now that dilemma is a thing of the past thanks to Satan Spanish food company Isla Bonita, who just introduced the world to Frankenstein’s monster The Avocado Light, aka, diet avocados. Helloooo Nobel Committee? I think we’ve found your next Peace Prize.

So what is the Avocado Light? Is it the harbinger of the apocalypse, as foretold in the Book of Revelation? Maybe.

Here’s what we know: Not only do these avocados have only 70% of the fat content found in OG avocados, but they also ripen faster and turn brown slower, so you won’t have to deal with the avocado’s other biggest issue: the fact that they’re only edible within a 24 hour window. Before that window, hard as a rock. After that window, disgusting mush. There is no in between.

But before you head to Amazon and attempt to buy a life supply of these scientific marvels, slow your roll. Because America literally can’t have nice things right now, Isla Bonita is limiting distribution of these diet avocados to Spain. TBH, stocking up on diet avocados sounds like a good enough reason to plan a trip to Spain for me. Like, I’m doing it for my health.

8 Foods To Eat For Glowing Skin

We may as well prepare for the ravages of time incoming colder weather and all the problems it causes—specifically, dry skin, zits, and general dullness. Winter is coming, and nothing can save you from its shittiness. However, you can (kind of) do battle with the shittiest of skin seasons if you’re putting the right stuff in and around your mouth. It sorta sucks, cause winter is totes my season to shout “YOLO” while I inhale mac and cheese, all the carbs, and different forms of alcohol so as to build a fine layer of fat to protect myself from January ice storms and the onslaught of feelings, but life isn’t fair and beauty is pain. But there is a silver lining, which is that you can eat certain foods to get better skin. YES, REALLY. Here’s what you need to stock up on during your next grocery store run.

1. Romaine Lettuce

The basic bitch of salad (still better than iceberg lol amirite) deserves more than to be doused in Caesar dressing and left at the bottom of your bowl. Thanks to a lot of vitamin A, Romaine leaves increase cell turnover and give your skin a boost of oxygen, which we all know is pretty important.

2. Strawberries

Any veggie or fruit that has a ton of Vitamin C is going to do wonders for your shitty dry skin. Why? Because it helps build collagen while fighting wrinkles. So load up on strawberries in your morning smoothie if you don’t want to look like the Crypt Keeper later this season.

3. Tomatoes

If you went grocery shopping this summer and were overwhelmed with the selection of heirloom tomato varieties, good news, bitch. You no longer have to choose which tomato is right—they all are, if you want amazing skin. According to Prevention magazine, people who ate more tomato paste (who the fuck EATS tomato paste? like did they squirt it in their mouths? lol ew) had LESS of a chance of getting sunburned and had more collagen in their skin, thus preventing wrinkles.

4. Almonds

Almonds, walnuts, Brazil nuts, sunflower seeds—fuck, just grind them all into a powder and snort daily. Don’t actually do that, but believe us when we see that almonds are full of vitamin E, as are the others we mentioned. That helps to protect your skin from free radicals AND keep your skin hydrated.

5. Hot Cocoa With Dark Chocolate

According to Fitness magazine, cocoa helps hydrate your skin, making it firmer and softer. One study found that women who drank ½ cup of dark chocolate hot cocoa had increased circulation in their skin, resulting in a v healthy glow. So, in a nutshell, you can drink hot cocoa and actually enjoy a benefit other than adding three pounds to your frame. Praise da lort.

6. Green Tea

Thanks to high levels of antioxidants we can’t pronounce, green tea can cut down the redness showing on your skin. So sippin’ on this shit all day can give you a caffeine jolt and help you actually look less tired.

7. Water

I shouldn’t even have to explain why water is good for your skin. Most of your skin membranes are like, made up of water, so the more you drink and the more you’re hydrated, the better you’ll look. This could be the answer to why you look literally dead when you’re hungover. It’s science.

8. Avocado

Literally what CAN’T avocado do? It helps our hangovers, brings world peace, and can apparently help our shitty winter skin issues. Thanks to high levels of vitamin E, avocados regrow and turnover your skin cells faster, resulting in less dullness. 

Read: The 5 Face Masks You Need To Fix Your Gross Winter Skin
 
5 Household Items You Can Use As Makeup Remover When You’re Broke And Out Of Wipes

I’m gonna go out on a whim and say that makeup remover should be free like the tampons I have to buy once a goddamn month. It’s not my fault that a Game of Thrones episode occurs in my uterus 12 times a fucking year. Just like it’s not my fault that I wasn’t naturally born to be like, a YouTube beauty guru and get my winged eyeliner right on the first try. Doing your makeup is one thing, but doing it right is quite another. Not only are you forced to spend hundreds buying top-notch shit, but you also have to buy stuff to take that shit off. Will I ever have enough makeup remover on hand to account for all the times I fuck up my contour? With the way my life is going (being that it’s August and I’m still poor and haven’t left the U.S.), I’m thinking no. But, with Google saving the day once again, I’ve learned that you can use shit in your kitchen as makeup remover. Reason #1234 why I love food. From oil to milk (just stay with me on this), here’s what’ll get that waterproof lipstick off when you’re too lazy to go to the Duane Reade down the block Neutrogena fails you.

1. Vegetable Oil

This might sound weird since we usually want to stay as far away as possible from an oily face, but surprisingly, this works like you wouldn’t believe. If you combine one tablespoon each of olive oil, canola oil, and castor oil, you have a concoction that will take off even the most stubborn mascara. Veggie oils like these are actually really good for your skin because their ~healthy~ nutrients help moisturize and strengthen even the most sensitive skin types.

2. Petroleum Jelly aka like, Vaseline

Raise your hand if you have ever been called a slut stuck wearing some dark emo lipstick for days because you just couldn’t get it off for the life of you. Mhm, girl. Same because fuck you, Kylie. When every lotion in Ulta and 10 face wipes won’t do the trick, just rub a little bit of vaseline on your lips and voilà. Chapped lips and emo persona be gone.

3. Avocado

Name something avocado can’t do. Go ahead, I’ll wait. They’re good to eat, good for your hair, good for your skin… I’m just saying, not all superheroes wear capes. You don’t even have to smear this across your face to get your makeup off, so cut it in half (or, put a slice to the side you were planning on eating anyway) and swipe a Q-tip on it. The oil from this fruit—*still coming to grips with avocado being a fruit*—will take your makeup off easier than you’ve ever seen and help your face at the same time.

4. Whole Milk

This is one you probably least expected to use on your face. Oddly enough, the proteins in whole milk help hydrate and retain natural oils so you don’t dry the fuck out. Dab some on a cotton ball and use where needed to remove makeup and feel fresh AF. And then maybe go take a shower so your face doesn’t smell like dairy that’s been left out. Just sayin’.

5. Honey And Baking Soda

This is a facial mask/cleanser/remover all in one. Add equal parts of raw honey (not the shit you get in a bear bottle) and baking soda into a bowl. Nothing crazy, like, half a teaspoon works. Make it into a paste and gently scrub. This works as a natural cleanser, moisturizer, and dark spot eraser for all the tough spots. I don’t blame you for making this your new facial mask, honey boo boo child.

READ: 7 Wine And Face Mask Pairings For A Night Of Treating Yourself
 

Your Beloved Avocado Toast Is Keeping You From Buying A House

If you saw avocados were trending today and wondered why, you can thank Tim Gurner, the 35-year-old Australian real estate mogul who went on Australian 60 Minutes and implied that the reason millennials don’t have houses is because we’re spending too much money on avocado toast. I mean, just by reading that sentence and letting it roll around in your brain for a few seconds I think anyone can poke holes in Gurner’s theory, but just as with any stupid shit someone says on television, were here at Betches feel compelled to respond.

Tim Gurner, welcome to your tape.

First off, I reject literally everything you have to say in this interview. I reject the premise. I reject the idea that all that stands between me and my very own above ground pool is a creamy serving of healthy fats. I reject your knock-off Wolf Of Wall Street look. I reject all of it. Go home. Take an L. You’re drunk.

Construction mogul Tim Gurner is upfront about Australia’s housing problem -he says his generation needs to stop whinging & start saving. pic.twitter.com/bysx3Jler5

— 60 Minutes Australia (@60Mins) May 14, 2017

Gurner starts out his interview by saying, “When I was buying my first home, I wasn’t buying smashed avocado for $19 and four coffees at $4 each,” which like, okay, that’s cool, but guess what… maybe the people who are spending their money on avocado toast aren’t like, looking to buy a house? Have you considered that perhaps this new generation of people also comes with a new set of priorities? Like, you know how your generation’s priorities were doing coke and using the stock market to wreck the economy and destroy the prospects of the middle class for generations to come? Well ours are doing molly and dealing with the fact that our undergrad degree cost three times what we make annually. That’s just how it goes.

And speaking of the wrecked economy, have you considered that (and we’ll say this loud for the people in the back) millennials inherited the worst financial crisis since The Great Depression? We’re bogged down by incredible student loan debt, and are unable to advance in our careers at the same rate Gen Y and Baby Boomers did because those aforementioned Gen Y and Baby Boomers are unable to retire and still in the jobs market. So yeah, we don’t exactly have the money to be buying a fucking house right now. We have to like, pay our phone bills and shit.

Were cell phones around when Tim Gurner was a young entrepreneur? Literally no. Beepers seem way more affordable. Kim Possible had one in high school.

While putting away thousands of dollars from each paycheck in hopes of acquiring a coveted mortgage seems pretty impossible for a millennial in an entry level job who makes $35k a year, it’s a lot more affordable for us to splurge on a damn avocado toast for $15 or a $4 iced coffee when the direct deposit hits. (Sidebar: You can totally get an avocado toast for less than $15. DM me for deets)

Gurner went on to say, “When I had my first business when I was 19, I was in the gym at 6am in the morning, and I finished at 10.30 at night, and I did it seven days a week, and I did it until I could afford my first home. There was no discussions around, could I go out for breakfast, could I go out for dinner. I just worked.”

Yes Tim. Please enlighten a generation of people who have had to settle for making ends meat by juggling unpaid internships, side hustles, the gig economy, freelance, and the occasional misguided sugar daddy meet-up on the value of hard work. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve considered going to foot fetish parties so that I could make rent, Timmy? Do you? The fact that you can look at a generation of people who have all spent at least one night of their lives obsessively googling how much their sperm and eggs are worth and tell us we don’t make enough sacrifices for financial gain is truly disturbed. Literally all this sentiment taught me was that when you were 19 you could afford a gym membership. Unheard of.

Gurner also said “We’re at a point now where the expectations of younger people are very, very high. They want to eat out every day, they want to travel to Europe every year. The people that own homes today worked very, very hard for it, saved every dollar, did everything they could to get up the property investment ladder.”

Yes Tim, the generation that literally invented the concept of Netflix and Chill’s expectations are “too high.” Wow. I didn’t realize how spoiled we millennials were for wanting to go on vacation and eat out. It’s not like spending your money on experiences (i.e., eating out and going on vacation) is scientifically proven to bring you more happiness than spending it on material items like a wrap-around porch. 

But more importantly—if millennials want to spend their money on food and trips rather than buying homes, who the fuck cares? Truly. Who? As time progresses, wealth is measured in different ways. Sure, buying a home was the ultimate in financial stability for Gurner and his giant forehead, but go back a hundred years or so and wealth was measured in the amount of chickens or pigs and shit you could get for marrying off your daughter. Does Tim Gurner have any chickens or pigs? Probably not. For our generation, having a kickass Instagram full of great looking food and amazing vacays is worth a lot more socially than a white picket fence in the suburbs. You might think that’s stupid, but guess what, it’s not really up to you. Also, maybe part of the reason we don’t want houses is because when we were in high school the housing bubble burst and literally millions of people lost their homes? Just a thought. 

This entire idea of millennials spending all their money eating out is, quite literally, fake news. Studies show that millennials spend 44% of their “food dollars” on eating out, meaning that 56% of the time, we’re bringing hard boiled eggs to work and microwaving a Top Ramen for dinner. Also, just because someone is “eating out” doesn’t mean they’re buying some insanely trendy Instagram food. They could literally be going to Subway, which is a huge sacrifice in and of itself.

And really, who is eating this much avocado toast? Seriously. I want names. Like, I’ll occasionally get one when I’m at boozy brunch and trying to feel fancy, but I think most millennials fully recognize that it is not a daily meal. Anyone who is buying avocado toast on the daily is probably doing so less because they are a millennial, and more because they’re fucking psycho. In the past six months, I imagine that (and this is a generous estimate), I have maybe spent $50 on avocado toast. Maybe. Do any of y’all know a house that I can get for $50 that doesn’t come with a live-in crackhead? Probably not.

Also, four $4 coffees?? Who is doing this?? A tall coffee at Starbucks literally costs $1.85, and I highly doubt anyone is getting four of them in one day (if you are, please see a doctor). Like, yeah, fraps and stuff are expensive, but if anyone is drinking 4 frappuccinos a day they should be way more concerned with the fact that they’re going to lose a foot to diabetes than their future home buying prospects.

Finally, and I truly cannot stress this enough, I think I speak for all millennials when I say we’re kind of over taking the advice of real estate moguls with questionable hair. It honestly has not been working out so well for us lately. 

Tim, I get that like, giving unsolicited financial advice to millennials is the only thing that gets Gen Y hard these days, but you fucking played yourself. Millennials aren’t buying houses because they don’t want houses, and avocados are fucking delicious treats that make us feel better about the fact that all the generations before us are going to the polls and destroying the world because they don’t like how things have been going since the internet was invented. Maybe instead of complaining about people who are younger/hotter than you, you should use your incredible business sense to help create a world where someone can have both avocado toast and a house. It would be a much more useful way for you to spend your time, and people would probably hate you a lot less. Just a thought. 

The Only Accessories That Are Acceptable To Wear To Coachella This Year

This week on Betch Slapped, The Betches discuss the United flight drama, Kylie’s new show and 2017 Coachella fashion with Cosmopolitan Accessories Editor Nicole Fineo. They give advice to a listener about how to have the exclusivity talk and debate whether if you’d still date a guy if he was perfect in every way except that he spoke in email sign off phrases. To get your question answered by The Betches, email [email protected]

Listen to all our episodes here!

The 8 Best Foods For Your Skin, Hair & Teeth AKA How To Eat Yourself Pretty

We’ve already established that you can now drink yourself pretty, but what’s better than incorporating drinking into your beauty regimen? Food. Food is always better. Like, sure, blacking out off vodka sodas is fun and all, but if I could take those calories and use them towards eating my weight in cheese without becoming the “before” girl in a commercial for Nutrisystem, best believe I would. So yeah, now that we’ve established that food is objectively the best thing ever, it’s time to talk about how you can consume unlimited amounts of (certain) foods and not only not turn into a hideous troll creature, but actually look even prettier than you do now. I can understand why you don’t believe me—it goes against basically everything we’ve ever been taught—but this is literally real. We’ve rounded up the best foods that are good for your hair, skin, abs, and just overall attractiveness WITHOUT sending your waistline into a death spiral. And it’s here just in time for you to drink excessively and ruin your diet by drunk eating pizza. Yas. So let’s see which secret beauty boosting foods are basic and which ones are betchy. Here’s a list of the betchiest beauty foods ranked:

8. Flaxseed

This seems like something Kourtney Kardashian would feed her children for “dessert.” Is this why Reign always looks like he wants to set someone on fire?

Reign Disick

​Seriously, someone get this kid a Capri Sun.

It’s recommended that you ground the seeds up into a “meal” for a better taste, but I’m still skeptical about calling shit you’d find on a bird feeder a meal. Aside from looking fucking miserable to eat, the omega-6 and omega-3 fatty acids in flaxseed actually can help fix skin conditions like acne or eczema. But all the flawless skin in the world isn’t going to take this food out of last place for the reason that when I want to eat like a small bird, I’m talking about the quantity of food I’m eating and not the actual food itself.

7. Greek Yogurt

Is it just me or does a part of you die inside every time you eat Greek yogurt because you’re wishing it was actually frozen yogurt? Just me? K. Fine, if I have to eat this tasteless paste at least it’s packed with enough calcium and protein to keep my teeth looking gorgeous. Yogurt also contains natural live active cultures or “good” bacteria (sorry, I just vomited in my mouth for a minute) that aid in digestion and keep your stomach flat. Blessings.

Yogurt

6. Almond Butter

It has the word butter in it, which makes me want to root for it but it’s not actual butter or even peanut butter so now I’m just disappointed. It does have vitamin E, manganese, and selenium in it, which helps keep your hair shiny so it has that going for it. What puts it as #6 on the list is that health weirdos everywhere are rubbing this shit all over their bodies as some sort of DIY beauty serum. Jesus Christ, I hate people. Body hair and butter should never mix and for that, coupled with the fact that this shit costs like $11 a jar, Almond Butter gets the sixth spot.

Butter

5. Sweet Potato Fries

Okay, finally, something I actually want to put in my mouth. Full disclosure here, I may have added on the fries part to the end of this one, BUT sweet potatoes are hella good for you and promote glowing, gorgeous skin thanks to all the beta-carotene in them. They also have a shit ton of vitamins A, C, and E in them, which can help improve the look of your hair and skin. Mr. Potato would have been higher on the list had this beauty food actually been in fry form, but I guess you can’t win ’em all. 

Fries

Read: 10 Foods That Speed Up Your Metabolism So You Can Skip The Gym
 

4. Berries

Aside from looking chic AF in your champagne glass, berries are loaded with anti-inflammatory agents and vitamins that help protect your skin from showing signs of premature aging. They’re also packed with vitamin C, which helps produce skin that’s firm and strong. Basically berries are natural botox for your skin and I AM ABOUT IT. 

Yas

3. Kale

Other than being betchy as hell, Kale is actually one of the most nutrient-dense superfoods and one cup of it can literally fix your whole life (i.e. give you gorgeous hair, strong bones, and awesome teeth). Kale can definitely sit was us. 

So Fetch

2. Dark Chocolate

About fucking time. This is something that’s already incorporated in my daily diet because #FitLife. Chocolate contains anti-aging antioxidants, which fight free radicals to protect your skin from UV damage and help prevent the appearance of wrinkles, fine lines, and skin discolorations. Plus it tastes like a dream and may or may not curb all of my homicidal tendencies. 

Chocolate

1. Avocados

Avocados are the betchiest beauty food for sure. Not only are they the most Insta-worthy vegetable fruit (WTF seriously?), but avocados are also super fucking good for you. All of those monounsaturated fatty acids will make your hair look better than a Garnier Fructis commercial. Plus I love anything that brands itself as the “good kind of fat.” Better get these while you can, girls, they’re about to cost more than your senior year spring break trip to Cabo—because aside from ruining our lives, President Cheeto also wants us to look ugly. Ugh.

Life Is Unfair

Read: Drinking Pinot Noir Makes You Appear More Attractive, So I’m Basically Adriana Lima