What better way to motivate yourself to work off those sugar-infused Long Island Iced Teas you’ll be drinking all summer than spending more money on overpriced leggings and sports bras? I’m talking about athleisure that absorbs your sweat, keeps you cool, but still makes you look as hot as Gigi Hadid. If you don’t know what athleisure is, ask Siri or think of those leggings you shamelessly wear weekly and don’t wash, because this is the 21st fucking century. Like, get with the times, because I don’t feel like explaining. This has been officially a thing since last year aka when it was actually added to the dictionary, so chances are if you have any fashion sense, you already own Lululemon leggings and a sports push-up bra from like, Victoria’s Secret. Whether it’s to get Starbucks, leave your fuck buddy’s house, or (god forbid) go to the gym for once, no one has ever questioned your whereabouts because your athleisure outfit can get away with any occasion.
If you’re planning on fooling everyone that you give a shit enough about your body to get off the couch and stop binge-watching Riverdale, you’re going to have to expand your hot athleisure wardrobe for summer-proof pieces you might—key word: “might”—also be able to pull off at the bar. Usually being comfortable and looking DTF don’t go together, but if you’re smart about your choices, you can get away with it. Dreams do come true if you just drink enough believe.
1. Sheer Bralette
When you have yoga at 11am and brunch at 12:30pm, the Nina Bralette is your go-to. The super lightweight and stretchy fabric will ease you into all your downward facing dog poses, while also cooling you off with its sheer straps. You’ll feel refreshed and look cute enough to simply change into a skirt before drinking as many bellinis as it takes to defeat the purpose of working out. Or, you can totally just say “fuck it” and buy this regardless because it’s cute as hell. Namast’ay at the bar, bitches.
2. Strappy Tank
What happens at the gym, stays at the gym. If you’re going to actually exercise and break a sweat (ugh), no one outside of that facility should have to see all that back sweat. It’s bad enough you won’t be rocking a full contour when you leave. You’ll need something with an open back and as many air holes as possible. Wear a lightweight tank you can adjust and layer over a sports bra, such as the Gypset Goddess x Alo Clarity Tank. If you’re feeling extra scandalous and haven’t done laundry (again) for a night out, wear this with a backless bra, high waisted jeans, and your fave pumps. You’ll be comfortable and look hot.
3. Mesh Leggings
Unless you live under a fucking rock, you’ve probably seen every person you follow on Instagram sporting this mesh trend in one form of clothing or another. Full-length leggings with mesh panels on both the back and the front, like the Varley Windsor Black Legging, allow you to take those long runs on the beach without worries of looking like you peed yourself. They’re composed of permeable and quick dry fabric so you look just as good after the run as you did before. Even if it’s only because you gave up after 10 30 seconds. I won’t tell if you don’t.
4. Sleek Jacket
Whether you’re leaving a torture cycling class or running errands, the CHICHI Serena Bomber is essential for adding street flair to any look. Throw over a strappy bra after an intense workout or a v chic bodycon if you want to look as relaxed as your outfit does. Little do they know you stressed out about it for an hour and changed 15 times before leaving the house.
5. Baseball Cap
I don’t usually advocate for hat hair, but this is only for emergency cases such as like, being too hungover to wash your hair or trying to impress that hot guy who always has his arm days on Thursdays. You can totally convince him you’re into like, sports and stuff (whatever that entails) and yes, you’ve had this lucky hat forever, and no, you didn’t just buy it online from Shop Betches.
This week in insane cheerleading news, the entire Coastal Carolina cheerleading team was suspended indefinitely on Thursday and scrubbed from the school’s athletics website and all the school is saying about it is that there is a “conduct investigation.” Now you may be thinking, wtf is Coastal Carolina? Is it a party school? Why should I care? Coastal Carolina University is located near Myrtle Beach, and it was ranked the #4 party school in South Carolina by Niche. Their mascot is “Chauncy the Chanticleer,” which is apparently some kind of bird. And you should care because, what the school lacks in parties and mascots that people have heard of, they make up for in anonymous letters alleging that the entire cheerleading squad was engaged in “prostitution, purchasing alcohol for underage team members and paying others to complete their homework assignments.”
Umm…pause. One of these crimes is not like the the other. Getting mad at a college cheerleading squad that buys alcohol for underage members and pays people to do their homework for them would be like getting mad at an NFL player for accidentally setting off the gun he keeps in his sweatpants at a nightclub. What did you expect? But prostitution? That’s certainly…extra. Sure, cheerleading has a long history of trading sexual favors for social capital, but capital-capital? That’s too far. I mean, first of all, isn’t cheerleading like, a huge time commitment? Who has time to be a cheerleader, a student, and a prostitute all in one semester? I guess that’s where the “paying students to do your homework for you” comes into play. Something has to give, and if it’s not going to be the having sex for money, it might as well be the schoolwork. Now, of course, we don’t know for sure if this is true, but if it is, I think it’s safe to say that this is the craziest fucking thing to happen in cheer since the Toros found out they stole all the Clovers’ cheers.
CCU isn’t giving out a ton of info on this situation, given that “prostitute school” isn’t really what any college wants on their Princeton Review page, but here’s what we do know—a prostitute team member who chose to remain anonymous (wonder why) told WMBF News that Horry County police officers met with several team members and eventually released everyone with no charges, telling them that they “did nothing wrong.” Police did, however, look through the girls’ phones, so RIP the police officer who had to look through seven Coastal Carolina cheerleaders’ photostream. There’s no way he’ll ever be the same.
CCU Cheer was set to host a national cheer competition next week, but that shit is obviously no longer happening. The team has also been barred from competing at nationals which, if Bring It On taught us anything, is basically the worst thing that could possibly happen to a cheerleading squad apart from being publicly accused of being a prostitution ring.
As a result, the team has released the following statement:
“At this point in time, we no longer wish to be contacted about the current situation. The false accusations have led to harassment on campus as well as through social media, and are beginning to negatively impact our daily lives as well as our studies. As a team we ask the community to support us through these tough times as we hope the situation will be cleared up shortly.
Love,
The Coastal Carolina Cheerleading Team
# Chantsup”
Bold move to include your team hashtag in the letter you send to the public addressing allegations of prostitution, but hey, whatever makes you feel better. Also, I’m sure you don’t wish to be contacted anymore about the current situation, but that’s not how being in a the middle of a public scandal works. Like, I’m sure Bill Clinton would have liked to “stop being contacted” about Monica Lewinsky, or Lindsay Lohan would like to “stop being contacted” about her life generally, but they should have thought about that before fucking their intern or being a giant mess every second. An entire cheerleading squad being suspended for alleged prostitution is just too good for people to pass up, and given that the school has yet to release any information, saying that the investigation is ongoing, please allow us to wildly speculate based on almost no evidence as to what is going on:
1. They Are Actually A Prostitution Ring That Dabbles In Underage Drinking & Light Homework Fraud.
This is the easiest, juiciest conclusion, so it’s the one that basically everyone is hoping is true, not only because it’s just an insane story, but because of the Lifetime original movie that will inevitably based on it. I can see it now. Lindsay Lohan as the head cheerleader/madame, Shia Labeouf as the scorned boyfriend/anonymous letter writer, Britney Spears stunt cast as the Dean of Students. Nick Viall cameos as the squad’s wealthy client. This shit literally writes itself.
2. Someone Just Made It All Up Because They’re Jealous
As well all know, one cannot help it that one is popular, one can only be sorry that people are so jealous. There is def a large chance that some person who either a) wanted to be a cheerleader and didn’t get on b) watched too many teen movies and now hates cheerleaders or c) got dumped/rejected/friend zoned by one of the cheerleaders got mad and wrote this letter. Cheerleaders and other beautiful people are subjected to this kind of hatred on a daily basis. It’s very sad. If we all work together, maybe we can someday live in a world where cheerleaders are not the victims of such harassment. Call your representatives.
3. They Did Some Of It But They’re Not Prostitutes
I mean, the stuff about underage drinking and homework buying is probably true. They’re college cheerleaders at a university on the beach. The fact that they DGAF about their schoolwork and drink before turning 21 is not news to anyone. Whoever sent the letter probably included two real things to make the prostitution seem more viable, meaning that whoever wrote this letter is a nasty skank bitch. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.
4. This Is A ‘Sugar And Spice’ Situation
Much like the 2001 teen cheerleading film Sugar and Spice, we could be dealing with an entire squad of cheerleaders that has turned to a life of crime in order to help support the newly pregnant head cheerleader after being disowned. It’s just instead of robbing banks, the CCU girls opted for prostitution. This is currently my fav theory. Only question I have left is do they wear the Betty masks while prostituting themselves, and is James Marsden involved? Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Karl Lagerfeld once said that “sweatpants are a sign of defeat,” but that was probably way before Gigi Hadid and the rest of the fashion betches created the athleisure movement to make it socially acceptable to wear comfortable clothes in public. Even Chanel is experimenting with tracksuits and sports bras now.
Of course, with every trend comes a wave of celebrities trying to make bank and stay relevant off of it. In 2017, you’re only relevant if you have a lip kit, fragrance, and/or athleisure line. While I totally support wearing leggings and a tank top every single day (keeping people guessing whether I’ve just come off a stationary bike or an alcohol bender is kind of my thing), celebrity workout clothes can be a slippery slope. Like nose jobs and reality shows, not all athletic gear was created equal, so here’s a definitive ranking of the betchiest celeb lines.
5. Kate Hudson’s Fabletics
Kate Hudson is a betch icon, which means that because her dad is the inventor of Toaster Strudel a rock star, she has the power to convince people to sign up for a subscription service to get floral capri leggings every month. Fabletics really puts an emphasis on the “leisure” side of athleisure, because you don’t even have to enter your dad’s credit card information more than once—let alone leave the house—to get it. Just beware that your dad may have to sell his soul in order to cancel your subscription. But that’s why we love our dads: they’d do anything for us and our quest for cheap leggings. #Blessed
4. Carrie Underwood’s Calia
Carrie Underwood has the most amazing legs on the planet, so obviously, taking fitness advice from her is like getting an electrolysis referral from Kim Kardashian. Her line, Calia, is kind of like the mom version of Lululemon, but I’ll let it slide because it also has more mesh than the entire cast of Jersey Shore’s wardrobes combined.
Calia is sold at Dick’s Sporting Goods, which is actually totally convenient because you can purchase a Louisville Slugger with your slutty caged sports bra to get all of your revenge supplies in one stop.
3. Kylie Jenner Merchandise
Kylie Jenner probably owns enough sweatpants and leggings to outfit every hungover betch for the next decade. Obvs, she threw some “sports sets” into her online merchandise shop. Everything is designed in Calabasas, which most likely means that the spandex shorts are engineered to reduce the appearance of butt pads.
The shop is also home to Champion sweatsuits that say “THICK!” on them. 70 bucks for a pair of Kylie’s sweatpants may seem pricey, but it’s probably one of the most cost effective ways to tell the world that you have a huge ass, or that you *think* you have a huge ass.
2. Beyoncé’s Ivy Park
Beyoncé could release a collaboration with Crocs and the world would still lose its shit, so it’s no surprise that her Ivy Park line has been so successful. It’s almost like we don’t even get to choose whether or not we like Beyoncé, we just have to. I honestly find it hilarious that people think the NSA is reading our group chats—if anyone’s secretly watching over everything we do, it’s Beyoncé’s team. Anyway, Ivy Park’s website is filled with like, tons of information about the “innovation” of their designs, so if you happen to break a sweat during the light jog you do when someone far away holds a door open for you, Bey’s got you covered.
1. Rihanna’s Fenty Puma
Fenty Puma by Rihanna is hands down the betchiest celebrity athleisure line out there (*braces for my inevitable hit by the Beyoncé mafia*). It’s always sold out, which means it’s exclusive. Plus, it inspires laziness because you can’t actually work out in platform sneakers or stilettos. Unless you’re Mariah Carey. (In which case, you’re not even really working out. You’re just spending your personal training session forcing your trainer to take pics of you. Such a power move.)
