Once upon a time (re: all 2020), the idea of having plans—any plans—seemed like a dream. After spending every second inside, simple errands like going to the grocery store or picking up a prescription became an event. Now that you’re vaxxed and the CDC says leaving your house is like, kinda okay, you’re faced with a dilemma you never thought you’d be in again: canceling plans you have no intention of showing up to. Maybe you wanted to go out but now you’re in your comfy clothes and can’t fathom putting on heels, or perhaps the thought of listening to your friends talk about work sounds like, well, work. Whatever it is, you’re in the market for a “get out of plans” excuse, and luckily, your answer has been written in the stars.
Whether you’re a perpetual bailer (shame) or this is your first time (awww!), your astrological sign already knows how this is going to go down. Whether you tell the truth about wanting to stay home, lie through your teeth, or destroy your friendships to avoid having to say “I don’t want to go to brunch,” your zodiac sign is very telling of how you’ll get out of your commitments. Does that make you less of a piece of sh*t? No. But hey, at least this way it’s not your fault you suck! You can blame it on the universe!
Aries
Doesn’t it blow that you were the one who made these plans? You were the one who literally begged everyone to keep their Friday night open so you could all chug margs and talk sh*t about the Aquarius in your group, and now you’re just kinda not feeling it? Even though you’re basically the leader of your group (duh), it’s kinda exhausting having to be the fun one all the time, right? Luckily for you, you have the easiest excuse to get out of plans in the entire zodiac: You’re the ringleader, and you’re usually the one pulling the strings, so yeah, you deserve to bail. Be honest, upfront, and tell everyone you’re exhausted/sick/not feeling like hanging tonight. They’ll give you sh*t, but you kinda DGAF. Plus, it’s nice to leave the peasants wanting more, right?
Taurus
Whether or not you actually wanted to be a part of these plans when they were made (uh, spoiler: you didn’t), you’re now absolutely not on board. I’m sorry, a club/brunch/shopping? In this humidity? Granted, the fact that you’ve been stressing about canceling for two days is making everything worse, but it doesn’t matter. You absolutely cannot and will not go. Unless, of course, you think everyone will be mad at you. Do you think they’ll be mad at you? They won’t… right? F*ck. Now’s the perfect time to play the “I’m not drinking/on a diet/on a budget” card and avoid any attempts by your friends to create new plans that will fit into your new strict, sober, vegan, spending-zero-cash lifestyle. It’s not your fault, they just don’t understand. *Sigh*
Gemini
Gemini! I truly wasn’t expecting to see you here. Welcome! Have you ever canceled a plan? I mean, I know you think about it. Like, all the time. You literally fantasize about bailing on pretty much everything. But actually doing it? That’s a different story. While you tend to dread events you don’t want to go to, by the time you’re there (and okay, two shots in), you’re the life of the GD party. It’s kind of cute that you think this time will be different, TBH. As much as you want to, you know you’re not doing to ditch—the FOMO is far too real for you. Might as well start heating up your curler, baby. Because you’re going out tonight, whether you like it or not.
Cancer
You honestly can’t decide if you want to go out, and that’s why canceling plans is so tricky for Cancers. On one hand, the thought of getting dressed and getting drunk with your frenemies sounds kind of dreadful. But on the other hand, not doing that also sounds kind of dreadful. So no matter what you do, you’re going to have a mediocre time at best. Yay for overthinking! You’re no stranger to bailing on plans, so why don’t you just do what you always do: blame your cancelation on something petty, like feeling bloated, or the fact that Jessica (who is definitely going to be there because she already posted that she was in the Uber) didn’t like your recent picture, and honestly? Rude. You just aren’t up for that kind of hostility tonight.
Leo
You’re dressed. You’re wearing falsies. You’re already three vodka sodas in. And yet, for some reason, you’re not feeling that usual tingle in your vagina that says “I’m going to have a f*cking blast tonight.” Granted, you’re not one to cancel plans—and you’re the first to give anyone who tries major sh*t—but like, does going out even sound that good? Luckily, since you’re usually the one calling the shots (and buying them), it’s simple to be like, “Sorry guys, I have a headache. Have fun,” and turn off notifications for the rest of the night. Sure, everyone will bad mouth you behind your back, but that’s only because without you, your friends will be buying their own drinks and going home by 10pm. Enjoy your night off, Leo. You earned it.
Virgo
Dreading the drunk plans you made last week that are looming ahead, Virgo? That checks out. Even though you love having people depend on you, you could really do with a night off. The problem is, you were the one who made the reservations. And created the dress code for the evening. Annnnnd sent out the itinerary. You know if you bail, your perfectly envisioned night of bar hopping will turn into your idiot friends going to the same bar they always hit up and drunk crying in the corner. But why is that your fault? You’ve spent so long planning for this night, now that it’s here you’re kind of over it. Either fake a stomach bug or go along with the night, moping on the dance floor when half the people show up sans costume and take a cab home by 11. Either way, you’re in for an obnoxious evening.
Libra
You’re not one to back out of plans. Seriously, you’re not. You hate those people who just like, disappear when they start dating someone new and bible, you’d never do that. And you mean it! And even though you swiped with a 10 while you were getting ready and he asked you out at the same time you were supposed to meet your friends, that doesn’t mean you’re going to bail on your girls just to get laid. Honestly, anyone who does that is THE worst. *Phone buzzes* Awww he said you look beautiful. I mean duh, you do. But that was nice of him to—*phone buzzes.* Oh my God, he’s so funny. Maybe you’ll just see him for a drink like, after? *Phone buzzes.* He has a Tesla? *Phone buzzes* And he’s on his way to see you. Sh*t. Well, your friends will understand, right? I mean, this could be ~the one.~ I know, I know… you said that about the guy with the beard last month, but this time is different.
Scorpio
Aww, Scorpio! This isn’t your first time canceling plans, but it is your first time actually thinking through the decision. More often than not you just pick a fight to get out of something or blatantly ignore what you were supposed to do in an effort to avoid going to coffee with your new internet friend. So, the fact that you’re even thinking through this decision is like, very big of you. Congrats! I mean, you probably already canceled your plans by saying something like “hungover,” “feeling ugly,” or “I hate you,” but still. Good on you for thinking of others!
Sagittarius
How does a Sag cancel plans? They just don’t commit in the first place! You’re not a piece of sh*t on purpose, but what do people expect? You to just agree to go to something when you don’t know how you’ll feel, if you’ll want to go, or if something better will come along? Pshhh, as if. While you’re not one to commit to anything, if you do RSVP yes and change your mind last-minute (which you will, obviously), you’ll just pretend your phone broke, your car wouldn’t start, or you suddenly came down with a serious case of sobriety. Next time, just remember: If you never agree to anything, you’ll never have to lie your way out of it.
Capricorn
Your friends know you to be the definition of driven, which is why you have the perfect excuse to get out of plans: Goal chasing, baby. Since you’re already the one in your group who got a promotion, snagged a #SponCon, discovered an ab, and got verified on social, it’s not surprising if you blow off a happy hour to “get some work done.” Whether you say you got called into the office, received a last-minute assignment, or have a meeting you just have to take with a *top secret* marketing firm, no one will think twice when you bail for the sake of your own success (even though it’s only because they all want to mooch off you). That fact that you’ll ~actually~ be at home, smoking weed and masturbating to Bridgerton can stay between you and me.
Aquarius
As one of the Queens of Canceling on Plans, you’ve got bailing down to an art form. You don’t need me to tell you how to do it, because honestly? You’re basically a pro. From claiming a family emergency and tagging yourself at a hospital to saying you have a last-minute work project and staying logged into Slack all day, you’re no stranger to creating excuses to get out of sh*t. So, put your feet up, let everyone know your cat is sick, and enjoy a night off with Netflix and not wearing heels. Your friends probably don’t even know you’re allergic to cats anyway, let alone that you don’t have one.
Pisces
If there’s one sign that has a hard time following through with bailing on plans, it’s Pisces. No matter how many times you say you just want to stay home, you don’t want to spend money, or you have work in the morning, no one really cares—they’ll all just yell at you until you order an Uber for the entire group. While sure, you could just like, try to say no, will you actually stick with it, or will you find yourself at a club at 2am nursing a watered-down vodka and trying not to think about the fact that you have to wake up in four hours? The only way for you to successfully get out of sh*t is to color your hair, fake your own death, and flee to another country. That way, you’ll get at least a few years before another plan comes along, and you’ll start the cycle all over again. But it’s that or standing your ground and honestly, running away just sounds easier.
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Yes, Mercury is still in retrograde and yes, that is a valid excuse for calling out of work, but fear not! This week brings us a quarter moon in Aquarius and some much needed stabilizing energy for this topsy-turvy retrograde world. Now is the perfect time to restore some much-needed balance to your life, even if you’re one of those people who hears the word “stable” and is like, “What? Who is that? Is stable a carb?” Looking at you, Scorpios.
Aries
How well do you play with others, Aries? You know what, don’t even answer that. This week is the perfect time to reassess how you work in groups. Sure, group projects are annoying as f*ck (What is this? Middle school?), but they’re also an essential part of life. Focus this week on really listening when you’re in a group setting, and actually taking other people’s ideas into account. Sure, 99.9% of the sh*t Karen from Accounting says is useless garbage, but that other .1% could be exactly what you needed to take your next project across the finish line.
Taurus
How are those career goals, Taurus? Have they changed? Is there some sh*t you can let go? As this year comes to a close, now is a perfect time to take a look at your goals and see what, if anything, needs adjustment. Maybe a promotion you’ve been vying for all year has lost some of its shine, or a graduate program you’ve been busting your ass to prep for is no longer top of mind. That’s totally fine! Goals and priorities shift all the time. Like how when you were six you wanted to be a princess/fashion designer, but now you’ve seen enough movies to know that life would be extremely stressful.
Gemini
This week, Gemini, you’re tap water—aka, completely unfiltered. And with Mercury already in retrograde, this can be a pretty dangerous combo. Your usual gift for gab combined with this outspokenness means you could be in danger of putting your foot in your mouth in the worst way. Keep an extra close eye on your communications this week (aka make sure you’re not sending that shady text about Ashley to Ashley) and if all else fails, vent your feelings in the group chat. It’s the best way to avoid accidentally-on-purpose insulting your coworker’s child’s art while they’re standing right behind you.
Cancer
Ow owwww, Cancer! This week, the Moon’s erotic energy is coming (get it?) for you, and you don’t want to let that sh*t go to waste. Turn the lights down low, invest in a high-end water-based lubricant, and be sure your roommates are all up to speed on what a sock around your bedroom doorknob means. Most importantly, whether you’re with a long-term partner or somebody new, tear down that protective shell so that you can really let loose in the bedroom. Not saying you need to become a porn star overnight, but variety is the spice of life and this is the week to get spicy!
Leo
Keep your guard up, Leo. This week, scammers abound and you might find out that someone close to you is trying to take you for a ride. And not the fun kind with weed. Your naturally people-pleasing sign loves to be liked, but make sure those around you aren’t using that quality to manipulate you into doing some sh*t you don’t want to do. Like, do we really believe Rachel forgot her wallet and needs you to cover her for happy hour again? Oh, and her promise to Venmo you for it later? Fat f*cking chance.
Virgo
Your health-conscious tendencies are turned up to 11 this week, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself pulled toward starting a plant-based diet, or at least trying an impossible burger. This is the time to finish up all those annual doctor’s appointments, stock up on nourishing comfort foods, and to actually get that flu shot! Herd immunity…it’s all the rage these days! Or at least, it should be.
Libra
Valentine’s Day has come early for you, Libra, and for once changes in your love life are going to be for the better. Now is not the time to settle for a guy just because he is tall or has a (part-time) job. Now is the time to hone in on what you really want in a partner (a bedframe, a savings account, owns a hairbrush, etc…) and you might be surprised to find someone who fits that description standing right in front of you! Or on Ship. Either works.
Scorpio
Is this the 1950s? Because you’re feeling domestic as f*ck this week, Scorpio. If you haven’t taken the time to pull your sweaters out of storage, crank the thermostat, and otherwise fall-ify your living space, now is the time. This is also a great week to fire up the old slow cooker and commit yourself to seven hours of watching chili become chili. Bonus points if you pair that with a large bottle of wine you finish 100% by yourself.
Sagittarius
Take a good hard look at your friend group, Sagittarius. Who is real, and who is fake? Just as the trees are shedding those annoying, crusty leaves, you need to shed those annoying, crusty people who are draining your beautiful branches. As hard as it might seem, you know in your heart which friends are only there for your iPhone 11 camera, and which friends would help you commit low-level crimes without asking too many questions. Keep the real ones close, and let the fake friends live their sad-ass one-camera life without you.
Capricorn
And now for one of Capricorns’ favorite activities…financial planning! The Moon is providing the stabilizing force you need to really get your finances on track, and lucky for you, you live for that sh*t. Take a look not only at your budget, but at your salary. How can you take your checking account to the next level? Are you being paid what you deserve? What are “stocks”? Answer these questions by 2020, and you could be Forbes’ next self-made billionaire by 2021. Kylie Jenner, we’re coming for you!
Aquarius
Set your phone to do not disturb now, Aquarius, because you’re going to be inundated with requests to hang this week. You’re just that popular. But lucky for you, a stable Moon in your sign means you’re also going to be able to determine which invites are worth your time, and which get left on read. Sure, planning a different event for every night of the week sounds fun on Monday morning, but come Thursday you’ll be running on fumes, and its not even the weekend yet. Remember Aquarius, sleep is important. Like, vital.
Pisces
Pay close attention to your emotions this week, Pisces, because they’re going to tell you something. Your usually good intuition is particularly on-point right now, so the vibes you get from different people, places, and situations should not be ignored. Dude at the bar giving you serious creeper vibes? Stay the f*ck away. New girl at work looking like she might Single White Female you? Do not let her know where you live. You’ll thank yourself later when either or both of them end up the subject of the next Netflix true crime docuseries.
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We all love reading about our zodiac signs, even though horoscopes might not be the most scientifically accurate. The brand just revealed the results from their 2019 SKYN Condoms Sex & Intimacy Survey, which asked 2,000 Gen-Z adults (18-22) and millennials (23-38) in the US and Canada detailed information about everything from condom use and sexual education to favorite sexual positions and fantasies. Some of the results were kind of surprising—like how 65% of Gen-Z reports using a condom all or some of the time, while only 54% of millennials could say the same. Some were disappointing, like how Gen-Z fakes orgasms more often than millennials (10% of the time versus 6%, respectively). But in addition to breaking down their findings by generation, we worked with Skyn to break things down by astrological sign. It’s the perfect mix of astrology and science. So read on to find out what your zodiac sign reveals about how you are in bed.
Aquarius
According to Skyn’s research, if you’re an Aquarius-born person, you use lube most frequently and toys while you masturbate. While those are all great characteristics for a partner, if your SO is an Aquarius, don’t bother asking for a threesome. They are least likely to have one. On top of that, they are the least adventurous when it comes to locations to have sex, so keep it in the bedroom.
Pisces
If you’re a Pisces, you’re freaky. You are most likely to have filmed yourself and a partner having sex multiple times. But!! If you’re going to film yourself having sex, make sure everyone involved consents and is over 18 (*cough* Rob Lowe *cough*). As well, you’re more likely to be in an open relationship and are the biggest fans of vibrators. But beware of calling your partner the wrong name, since you are most likely to do so. Yikes.
Aries
Ahh Aries. Lucky for you, you last the longest during sex—an average of 31 minutes. You’re also most likely to use a sex toy. Fun! However, you are also most likely to have had a dry spell (aka no sex) for over 2 years, other than when you lost your V card. Maybe that has to do with the fact that you are also most likely to fake an orgasm. 12% of Aries reported faking an orgasm every damn time they had sex. Unless you’re imitating Sally, STOP IT!
Taurus
If you’re a Taurus, you’re least likely to want to spice things up in the bedroom. So either you’re intimidated or super vanilla. No shame in the latter, but if it’s the former, maybe work on it? It’s worth it to switch things up, I promise. Skyn also found that you would prefer to give up social media for a year instead of sex, and like honestly, I agree. Finally, if anyone is interested in having an open relationship, hit up a Taurus ’cause they are most likely to consider it.
Gemini
Beware of Geminis. While you are least likely to fake an orgasm (take note, Aries), you are most likely to overreport the number of people you’ve slept with. Why? Just keep it real. But on the flip side, Geminis are also most likely to still be a virgin. I was hoping Steve Carell was a Gemini, but he isn’t. Is Colton?? Whatever. Unlike a Taurus, you are most hesitant to give up social media for a year over sex. So either you’re v attached to your phone or the sex you’ve had is not very good.
Cancer
I’ve never been happier to be referred to as a disease until today. As a Cancer, I have the most sex out of all the signs and am most adventurous outside the bedroom. Seems fitting for the things I write about (sorry mom). Cancers love cowgirl—37% rated it in their “Top 3 Fav Positions.” And, when it comes to one night stands, Cancers are most likely to find someone on a night out. Get it, Cancers.
Leo
If you’re a Leo, you’re most likely to use social media DMs as a way to sext. You love dirty talk and find it a major confidence booster. You also love a good blindfold, so partners of Leos, take note. But buyer beware: the majority of Leos believe that size is “very or somewhat important” for sexual pleasure. Listen, it isn’t about the size of the wand, it’s about the skills of the wizard (or however that saying goes).
Virgo
Since Virgos are “supposedly” the most studious, you are most likely to meet your SO at school. Unlike Aquarians, you are most likely to be open to a threesome. Fun! While you are also more likely to have sex on the first date, you are the least likely to experiment with sexual fluidity. No shame in that, though—you know what you like and you stick to it.
Libra
Your fav sex position is probs doggy, since 67% of Libra’s rated it in their “Top 3 Fav Positions.” You are least likely to use a condom (I won’t lecture you, but be safe pls). You are most likely to judge someone with multiple partners, and maybe that is you just being bitter, given that a quarter of Libras said they masturbate more than five times a week. Maybe lessen up on the judgment, k?
Scorpio
You are most likely to buy condoms online, and while you’re at it, throw some cuffs into your Amazon cart since you are also most likely to use some sort of restraints, you kinky people. As well, Scorpios are the most successful when it comes to datings apps. You are also most likely to think foreplay is overrated. I disagree but again, I’m a Cancer so …
Sagittarius
You are smart and safe. You are most likely to use condoms, and I commend you for that. Maybe you should talk to your Libra friends about the wonders of protection. While you are most likely to wrap it before you tap it, you are least likely to lube it up before you use it. Uh, ouch? You also play hard to get, being among the least likely to have sex on the first date. Finally, you prefer giving over receiving oral sex. You generous soul.
Capricorn
You find it difficult to be in a relationship, making you the most likely to stay single. Although you may be single, you experiment and are the biggest fans of flavored condoms (don’t worry, Skyn makes condoms inspired by our fav cocktails). While you may like flavors, you are rather vanilla when it comes to positions. Missionary is the favorite position among Capricorns. And luck you, Capricorns are most likely to orgasm more than once during sex.
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