Procrastination is my best talent and my middle name at this point. Laundry? Packing? Paying rent? You’ll probably find me attempting to go on a run if it means getting out of doing any of those. On a real note, there’s nothing I delay more than figuring out WTF my New Year’s Eve plans are every fucking year. It doesn’t help that living in New York City makes this a million times harder. Like, nothing stresses me more—other than trying to figure out the exact date we’ll get a confirmation on Kardashian-Jenner pregnancies. NYE is honestly the most overhyped, extra AF, ridiculously overpriced holiday ever. Nothing rarely goes according to plan, and tbh, I’m always too drunk to remember when midnight even happened, so why the hell would I pay a shit ton of money anyway? Unfortunately, NYE is in just a few weeks, which means you better get the ball rolling on your plans. Ball reference very much intended. From New Yorker to New Yorker, here are five not-so-expensive NYE plans you can make with your best girlfriends to ring in 2018.
Grab your 90s neon windbreaker and your boombox (JK, you probably can’t bring a boombox in there) and head over to House of Yes for a night of nostalgia mixed with futuristic chaos. No matter the theme, House of Yes knows how to throw a fucking party, and this will be one NYE you’ll never forget. Come in your best future or throwback outfit, because otherwise you won’t be allowed in—which just adds to the fun if you ask me. It’s like Hallowen mixed with NYE. “Which Fresh Prince did I make out with?” you may ask yourself. “Was that guy the Tin Man, or a robot?” you’ll wonder the next morning as you wipe silver paint off your face. Expect out-of-this-world costumes, live aerial performances, and more. Tickets start at $30, so buy now before they’re all gone. House of Yes events consistently sell out, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.
For those of you in Astoria who don’t feel like trekking it to Manhattan or going anywhere else because that’s just too much effort, one of the most popular bars is offering a three-hour open bar and, I quote, “big-ass champagne toast.” Tickets start at $75, where you can watch the countdown live on their TVs, drop it low, and eat tons of drunchies until it’s finally 12am. After midnight, the bar opens up to non-ticketholders for an “all night dance party” that supposedly goes until 8-fucking-am. WHO THE HELL IS STAYING OUT UNTIL 8am? I’m concerned.
Obviously, I was not going to include the Times Square ball drop on this savvy guide I’ve created, because I’m not a fucking martian. Anyone who lives in the vicinity of NYC knows to stay as far away as possible from that area or else get trampled, and don’t say we didn’t tell you so. If you’re still all about the craziness, you’ll def want to check out the epic celebration Stage 48 is bound to have in Hell’s Kitchen. The multi-floor club will provide five hours of open bar, four food stations, and hours of dancing on tables with your PICs. For tickets that start at $79, you’ll want to dress to impress, obvi.
Cielo is a banging nightclub known to host DJs we listen to on Spotify playlists, with some of the very best speakers in the city. So will you go deaf? Probably. But will you embarrassingly dance your ass off? Definitely. I say this as a fact, being that this is exactly what happened here on my birthday. This year’s NYE event will have a five hour open bar, champagne, and annoying party favors you’ll use when you’re drunk. General admission starts at $99, so obvs buy it ASAP before they sell out.
This is ~the~ official NYE party pass for club hopping in Meatpacking. There are three exclusive venues, which include The Chester, Common Ground, and The Lately, that offer five hour open bars, classy af prosecco, and top-notch live DJ performances of your favorite basic radio hits. Be sure to hop in each party for a variety of celebrations and of course, to sample the different tequila each place has to offer.
New York fucking City is not only the best city in the entire U.S., but in the entire world. I’ll pretend like you didn’t already know that, though. If you live here, you know that putting up with a disgusting amount of man buns, rat-infested subways, and questionable drug pushers is all worth it because no other place will ever be good enough. If you don’t live here, then I know you wish you did—otherwise, you would’ve never applied to NYU for grad school to begin with. The city is home to rooftops you can simultaneously tan and blackout at (a betch’s two talents), Instagram-worthy food you won’t find anywhere else, and a shit ton of your favorite celebrities because all those songs about NYC aren’t just for nothing.
Whether you’re a true New Yorker or (annoying) tourist, I’m sure you think you’ve hit up plenty of boujee rooftops and overpriced festivals in the past few months but there’s only six weeks of this
life-threatening heat wave summer left. It’s time to really amp up the crucial areas of your life (social, sex, Instagram) with the most perfect (and only) summer bucket list you’ll need. Realistically, if you’re seriously bored in New York City, then it’s your own goddamn fault.
^^^ Literally every time someone gets kicked out of a bar in the city.
1. Watch An Outdoor Movie With A View
Since suburbs or anything resembling John Deere-obsessed hicks are a foreign concept to those of us who are only outdoorsy in the sense that we enjoy blacking out on rooftops, that means drive-in theaters are pretty much non-existent, too. That is unless you’re willing to drive like, an hour away, aka
I literally don’t have my license that’s not happening. Get the same experience, only better, by visiting Bryant Park on Monday nights or Brooklyn Bridge Park on Thursday nights for free film viewings. Ditch the Netflix and chill for once and bring the blanket here instead. Best part? It’s free.
2. Buy Something With Too Many Calories At Smorgasburg
Even if you go every
weekend year, there will always be new additions to the city’s most Instagrammed food market in Brooklyn. This summer, find something you haven’t tried yet at Smorgasburg and get it for the likes. I’m not saying you actually have to eat it (does anyone eat the food they Insta?), all I’m saying is you’re guaranteed triple-digit likes.
3. Attend A Free Outdoor Concert In One Of NYC’s Parks
This really grool program, SummerStage, hosts hundreds of free concerts scattered across the five boroughs. In efforts to represent diversity and other good deeds for the city, the summer festival brings in a wide range of artists and genres to perform. Whether you’ve heard of them or not, it’s free fucking live music where you can buy beers and call yourself cultured or some shit.
4. Soak Up The Sun With Wine In The High Line Park
Despite all of the nightclubs we love in Meatpacking, it’s also the start of an elevated public park that’s built right on a historic train line. The High Line (don’t get it twisted with the hotel) runs from Gansevoort Street all the way to West 34th. It’s a little under 2 miles long so if you walk the whole thing, it totally counts as cardio for the week day. The park features perfect sunbathing chairs, cute little carts with famous popsicles, and most importantly, an outdoor cafe with a huge selection of beer and wine. Watch the sunset and stay for their stargazing events. You’ll have enough Instas to last you like, a week.
5. Order A Beer Pitcher From The Oldest Beer Garden In NYC
It may be a tad out of the way but, once again, YOLO. So if it means venturing out to Astoria by taking the N or the Q, you’ll live. The oldest and one of the biggest beer gardens in the city is right in Astoria, Queens. They have a menu full of dozens of beers and wines, so even if you just “don’t like beer,” you’ll def find one that tastes almost like Bud Light. Or, you can just resort to your usual wine. Their happy hours consist of $4 mugs and $14 pitchers—a deal you can’t pass up in a city that’s expensive af.
6. Score A Poolside Pic At One Of JIMMY’s Summer Pool Parties
This exclusive hotel in SoHo only opens its pool to the public without a cover charge on Saturdays and Sundays at 3pm. A Jimmy Pool Party has everything you need for a solid pregame or curing a bad hangover. With live DJs, stocked bar, too many guys in finance, and a pool with stunning views, it’s everything you need for the perfect photo op. Use your own discretion for risking possible STDs in the pool, but other than that, you’ll have no problem finding enough room for a Bambi candid on the poolside. While you’re at it, use our guide for other rooftop bars you should blackout at ASAP.
7. Visit “The Happiest Place On Earth” At Least Twice
This is a must-do for any Hamptons- or beer-lover—so like, everyone. Have you had your Instagram flooded with people covered in yellow fucking smiley face stickers, looking like they’re having the time of their lives? Well, they’re def at The Boardy Barn. Open only on Sundays (rain or shine), this outdoor tented bar is the place Long Islanders love to get wasted by 3pm at. Its specials are basically “dollar beer nights” on crack. So, like a shit show. Be prepared to get beer for no more than a couple dollars accompanied with some mud, 90s hits, and a pizza counter for those drunchies. Admission is $20 but all so very worth it. No wonder this place closes at 8pm, you’ll be blackout by like, 6pm.
8. Get Buzzed Off Of Ice Cream
The gods have heard us. Alcohol + ice cream is now very much a thing. Located in Kips Bay, Tipsy Scoop features a plethora of flavors all infused with alcohol up to five percent. They range from Mango Margarita Sorbet, Cake Batter Vodka Martini, to Spiked Hazelnut Coffee. If you come during their afternoon happy hours, you can get two for the price of one. What a pregame game-changer.
9. Eat On The Water
The Frying Pan, a literal floating lighthouse, is located on Pier 66 on West 26th. Impress your friends with serious brunch upgrades by opting to eat and drink on this docked bar with an unreal view of the Hudson River. You can choose from a number of beers, wines, and liquors, as well as a variety of food to hold you over. Since The Frying Pan is right on the water, you probs won’t be able to tell the difference between you actually being drunk or just moving along with the waves. Either way, you won’t even care, just try not to vom.
10. Splurge On An Overpriced Music Festival On Some NYC Island
Your summer isn’t really complete until you pay like, $300 for a music festival you hardly remember in New York. With Panorama coming up this weekend, what better time to spend an obscene amount of money on a festival full of good music, wannabe hippies, and an unhealthy amount of alcohol. The upcoming 3-day music fest will take place on Randall’s Island, featuring artists like Frank Ocean, Tame Impala, Kiiara, Tyler the Creator, and tons of other people you probably don’t know. The creators of Coachella came up with this festival too so, this is as close as you’ll get to being Vanessa Hudgens on the East Coast anyway. See the full lineup and buy tickets here.
READ: Best First Date Bars To Take Your Next Bumble Bro
Ah, New York City. The true mecca for those dedicated to the fuckboy lifestyle (aka most men I’ve met in my life). Whether you live here or are just visiting, different parts of the city can offer you completely different fuckboy experiences. Do you want to meet a rich fuckboy who will pay for everything but act like an asshole, or do you want to meet a broke artist fuckboy who will attempt to charm you with his personality? These are the questions a night out in NYC poses. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled a helpful guide to the fuckboys of New York, so that you can be prepared no matter where you’re happy hour-ing.
Midtown – The Finance Fuckboy
Much like the Themyscira is the ancestral homeland of the Amazons (go see Wonder Woman), Manhattan is the island of fuckboys. Nowhere is this more true than in Midtown, where fuckboys roam freely, unburdened by the need to pretend to be a respectable human or to not be talking to his “boy” on a Bluetooth on a crowded train. The finance fuckboy is the fuckboy in his purest form. You can find him (and every single one of his aforementioned “boys”) hanging out in a suit at any way-too-expensive bar that has a TV. Once he spots you across the bar, he’ll start laying down mad cash on drinks in an attempt to compensate for his thoroughly
deformed average penis. When you ultimately decide that you’re too tired/self-respecting to go home with him, he’ll pitch a fit at the bar and try to demand you Venmo him for all the drinks. He’ll get so heated that a bouncer will have to escort him out, but you’ll be able to hear him yelling “MY DAD IS A LAWYER” from outside the bar for the remainder of Happy Hour.
Lower East Side – The Fake-Out Fuckboy
This fuckboy looks like bae, he smells like bae, but this fuckboy is not bae. Oh sure, he’ll throw you off guard by hitting you up on Bumble with an actually good pick up line and take you to a cozy little bar that makes you think, “Wow! culture!” And yeah, the fact that his apartment is legit decorated with art that is in frames will make you think he’s looking for something real, but beware. His dates are so good because he’s done this before. A lot. This fuckboy is the type who goes wayyyyy out of his way to pretend he really likes you, but once the deal has been sealed, the “nice guy” Snapchat filter he’s been wearing for your entire date will come off and suddenly there’s this gross horny monster in your face talking about how condoms don’t feel good. Soon enough, you’ll realize that his mom decorated (and pays for) the entire apartment and all the earring backs you keep finding in his bedroom def don’t belong to his sister. But hey, at least he stuck around long enough to take a really good profile pic of you in front of Big Gay Ice Cream Shop. That, at least, is worth something.
West Village – The Maybe Gay Fuckboy
You may or may not have met this fuckboy during Pride, which should have been your first clue that his emotional unavailability wasn’t the only red flag about this guy. Your friends all tell you their immediate first thought upon meeting him was “gay” but you dismiss them because this guy is actually nice to you and doesn’t pressure you for sex and so what if he gets weekly manicures, lots of guys like to take care of their cuticles, KAREN. You’ll go to drinks with this fuckboy for like, a month or two and almost every time you’ll get drunk and make out with him, which will only further fuel your delusions about his sexuality. Eventually, though, when it’s been two months and you’ve slept over at his place a number of times and literally only slept, it will be impossible to deny the truth any longer. You’ll try to “stay friends” until one night he cancels on you and you blow up his phone with a 1,000 word novella about how you’re disappointed in him for not respecting your time, after which point he will ghost you, which will only make you more infuriated because you just wanted to be friends and weren’t even into him like that. Right?
Harlem – The Fuckboy With Roommates
This fuckboy has a very chill vibe, which is what initially attracted you to him. Unfortunately, he also comes with 5-15 roommates who share a busted-ass railroad apartment on a lot that used to be a trash dump. You know the cool parts of Harlem? The ones they always show in movies or that rich white people take low-key racist bus tours of? Yeah, this fuckboy does not live there. This fuckboy lives in a straight-up house of horrors complete with 25 molding pizza boxes and absolutely 0 privacy. Picture this: the two of you have made it through the minefield that is his living room, and you’re finally ready to begin the hookup but you have to suddenly stop because there’s a knock at the door. WTF? Turns out his roommate needs to walk through fuckboy’s room in order to get to his own room. What? Who did this? Why would anyone design an apartment this way? You’ll finish this hookup because, well, you’re not gonna take an hour long ride on the D train for nothing, and then ghost this guy so hard he’ll develop the ability to walk through walls. Which will actually be helpful, given his living situation.
Astoria – The Far Away Fuckboy
You met this fuckboy out in Manhattan or Brooklyn somewhere and thought, “hmmm…this interaction has been surprisingly normal…” The two of you are dancing and taking shots and things are going great. You suggest moving the party to his place, and that’s when he hits you with the “I live in Astoria.” Record scratch. Oh lawd, say it ain’t so. But you’re going to have transfer trains like…twice to get there!!? How much is an Uber?!? $35!?!? Is he worth it? Is any man worth it? You’ll decide yes because he like, smells nice and bought you a drink and stuff. The relationship will actually kind of take off, and you’ll start to tell yourself the commute is worth it and that Bohemian Beer Garden is actually pretty cool, until one night when you fall asleep on the N train and wake up in Coney Island. Then you’ll be forced to send a long “it’s just not working out” text. Because a face-to-face meet up would take too much time and effort.
Williamsburg/Greenpoint – The Hipster Fuckboy
The Williamsburg/Greenpoint area, or as I like to call it, Hipster Disneyland, is the #1 spot to pick up a fuckboy whose entire personality seems to be geared around having a Girls episode based on him (shh, don’t tell him it’s over). When you first meet him, he’ll present himself as a successful artist type who “totally forgot” he was wearing his “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt today. He’ll talk a big game about how “Bernie would’ve won” and try to make you go to a Democratic Socialist’s meeting, and you’ll assume he has like $0 and busks on the subway or something. That’s why his shoes are all fucked up and falling apart, right? Wrong. Once you do get back to his Williamsburg one bedroom on the water, you’ll realize that he actually works for that evil ad agency from Mad Men and is low-key the wealthiest person in your contacts. You’ll delete his number in a fit of rage after thinking back on all the times he made you split the bill.
Bushwick – The Dirty Hipster Fuckboy
This fuckboy is exactly like the Williamsburg/Greenpoint fuckboy, but is actually poor and smells terrible. He will make you come see his shitty band, or worse yet, his long-form improv team, and after a mere two dates you will realize that he only owns one shirt. After a horrible evening spent dry humping on his floor mattress, you will be forced to rethink every life decision you’ve made up until this point. On the bright side, his apartment is right next to a Planned Parenthood so you can get checked for crabs ASAP.
The Bronx – The Native Fuckboy
One of the most interesting things about living in NYC is that approximately .001% of the people you meet are actually from there. Cue the native fuckboy, who comes into your life to show you that being from New York means more than wearing black and screaming at pedestrians (though that, of course, is some of it). This guy will actually like, show you a good time and shit just by virtue of the fact that he actually knows the city and isn’t running through the same 5 date spots your non-native Bumble fuckboys have been throwing at you since 2014. Things will be going great until he, out of nowhere, catches feelings and invites you to his cousin’s 5th birthday party, which makes you realize, “oh fuck, his family is here and is like…important to him.” You’ll start putting clues together until you come to the horrible realization that the reason you’ve never gone to his place is because his place = his mom’s place. You’ll end this relationship quickly by telling him you’re allergic to children but can he please still send you all those cute pics of you at the botanical garden.
Staten Island – The Fuck No Fuckboy
Does this fuckboy even go here? Homeboy is so thirsty he took a fucking ferry just to go clubbing. This guy will roll up with a spray tan and chain necklace that screams “I voted for Trump.” You and your friends will talk and take selfies with him because honestly you haven’t seen anyone like him since Jersey Shore and his accent is bringing you back. You’ll take the joke too far by actually sleeping with him (at which point it is no longer a joke, girl, it’s your life) and he’ll spend 20 minutes the next morning trying to figure out where he parked his car. You’ll never see this fuckboy again, but he’ll be a consistent source of likes on your selfies, and that’s really what matters most.