Head Pro is definitely way too old to go to your prom, which is cool, he totally didn’t want to go anyway because he’s actually going to this really chill college party. It’s gonna be, like, really mature and stuff you wouldn’t like it anyway. Email him your questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

Last Saturday was my senior prom, i went with a decent bro but the hottest guy from another school came to the after party, we made out, drank and had the BEST time, in the middle of our drake induced love he asked me to be his prom date to his school’s prom, these words exactly “you’re really fun, wanna go to prom with me?” I said yes, obvsss

But then the next day we barely spoke and haven’t really communicated much since then, so yesterday I took the plunge and snap chatted him saying “hey so you invited me to prom drunk lol” he said “yeah I did” and then I said “funnn! When is it?” And he said “may 18” that.was.it. Before he showed up to my after party he would snap me often but I havent heard anything else from him, I can’t help but feel like he regrets asking me lololol helppp

Lol, he definitely regrets inviting you. As for why, that’s anyone’s guess. Chances are he had planned on asking someone else, but figured asking the cute drunk girl (fresh off the high of her own prom, no less) to prom would get him into your pants. He wasn’t entirely wrong, but because he’s an idiot teenage boy thinking with his sweaty, idiot teenage penis, he didn’t think very far ahead.

I know it’s borderline impossible for a highschooler to do, but I think you’ve gotta ask him point blank what the deal is. It’s not really the kind of thing you want to leave in limbo, especially if your parents are rich and you can convince them to buy you a new dress on short notice. Besides, going to someone else’s prom whips way more ass than going to your own. Every single boy in the gymnasium is going to spend the entire night thinking unspeakable things about you (much to the chagrin of their dates), just because you’re new. Most people go their whole lives without experiencing that level of petty satisfaction.

So yeah, do the hard thing and get it cleared up. A hot dress, some smooching, and maybe an over-the-pants handy in his car before he drops you off, and you’ll have given that dude a memory he’ll cherish AT LEAST until his first weekend in college.

Dear Head Pro,

So I had a guy I’ve known for years reach out to me on Facebook Monday (after not seeing him or talking to him for close to 5 years) and after some brief chatting, suggested the next time he goes out for me to go too. I agreed but no definite date was set. Fast forward to Tuesday, he messaged me in the evening and said he was out with some of the guys he worked with and asked me to join and after some reluctancy, I did. I had work this morning so I was just having a couple of beers but it turned into great conversation and I had a lot of fun. Well he had been drinking a lot and I didn’t want him drinking and driving so I offered to give him a ride home (he lives 10 minutes from me). He agreed and I took him home and he suggested I just stay the night since it was really late and I agreed.

One thing led to another and we had sex. He still kept chatting with me the whole night about things going on in his life, the death of a close friend, he said about us getting together again this weekend and wanted to cuddle. We stayed up till after 4:00am (I had to be up at 5:30 for work) but I took him to his truck so he didn’t have to find a ride. I pull up to his truck and just went to give him a hug goodbye and he kissed me and said “I fully expect you to be angry with me for keeping you up all night” to which I said “oh don’t worry I’m sure I’ll be texting you to complain about how tired I am. He said he couldn’t wait to hear from me.

I texted him and we did have a brief conversation just saying how much fun we had. I sent the last text and he has not responded. I never said thank you for inviting me out or I want to do it again. I guess I’m a little confused if this is just a routine one night stand or potentially more? Do I actually make it a point to go through the thank you process or bring up the idea of hanging out again or just stay silent till he reaches out again?

Christ. One nice thing about getting older is that there’s no one in this universe I’m horny enough for to even think about surviving on 90 minutes of sleep. Selena Gomez and Shay Mitchell could show up at my door with a ball of yarn, a bundt cake pan, and an oil drum full of lube, and it still ain’t happening if it’s after midnight. Sorry babes, I gotta get my 7 and a half hours.

Anyway, in this case I think you’re looking at a standard-issue one-nighter. It’s extremely funny, to me, that you’re entertaining the notion that it’s somehow because you didn’t thank him for the barely-date. Like, I’m pretty sure he took the sex as a more than adequate token of your appreciation. No guy talks to his friends after that and says “we had a nice time, and we totally did sex, but she didn’t send me a thoughtful follow-up text. SO TACKY, right?!?!?!?”

I don’t think he was ever all that into you, given that he put literally zero effort into going out with you in the first place (I missed the part in the play where Romeo gallantly invited Juliet to meet up with his bro pack). But as I often tell people here, it’s unlikely your situation would be made worse by asking for what you want, be it clarification or to hang out again. Probably, he’ll blow you off, but you never know: you could keep meeting up periodically and hooking up, leading to an unbalanced FWB situation that will cause you irreparable emotional trauma. Life is full of delightful little unexplored mysteries like that, you know?

Head Pro is definitely way too old to go to your prom, which is cool, he totally didn’t want to go anyway because he’s actually going to this really chill college party. It’s gonna be, like, really mature and stuff so you wouldn’t like it anyway. Email him your questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

So here’s the thing. I met this guy when I was in new york last summer. And I had the biggest crush on him immediately. We had mutual friends and we kinda get together one night on the beach. And we were drinking and talking but then everybody just pared up as couples and me and him were alone. we were really getting along, talking and finding the same interests. A few hours and a lot more drinks later we had sex on the beach. And let me just tell you it was AMAZING. After that we went back to his place and fell asleep together.

Following days we texted and got together but we always meet as group then kinda sneak out and be alone but never had an actual date. It was kinda like loose summer hook up/romance. So after we got back home we occasionally text and let us know what’s going on in each others lifes. And always saying that we should meet up but never do. We kinda live like 2 hours away from each other.

So my question is how the fuck am I gonna see him again? Cuz I kinda giving him the vibe like I don’t care that much about him and it was just fun nothing more. But I do and also don’t wanna let him know that I do. Because if I tell him how I feel about him, I feel like he is not gonna be into it. We did make it kinda like a chase like who is gonna admit it first kinda thing and honestly don’t have a clue how that happened. So I have to make him say that he likes me first but don’t know how to do it :/

Not to be rude, but: YAWN. You only hung out/hooked up a handful of times, haven’t seen each other in nearly a year, only talk occasionally via text, live two hours apart and you’re STILL somehow carrying a torch for this guy? I’m sorry, but that’s delusional as hell. Either that, or he has a magical alien space dick and deserves to be under lock and key at a government black site. The two are not mutually exclusive, actually.

You don’t have any good options here, but since playing Monday morning quarterback is kind of the whole point of this column, I would hope that you learned a valuable lesson: playing coy/hard to get doesn’t work very well (read: at all) when your relationship is almost entirely text-based.

See, playing hard to get and generally not acting overly interested is a good thing—in person. Texting is great for keeping things chugging along and making plans, but actual in-person meetings (whether it’s dates or whatever it is the two of you were doing) is where you assert yourself and make it clear that he has to prove himself worthy of your company. What you DON’T want to do is try to play it all cool via text and then wind up giving him the old “is she drunk or just really into me?” eyes before slobbing his knob. Because then he either a) knows you’re full of shit and have weak-ass game, b) thinks you’re really not into him but appreciate the easy D, or c) are crazy as hell. Shit, if anything you want to flirt MORE via text than you do in real life. That’s how you fuck with a man’s head the right way, dammit.

As far as your situation, the best you can do is try to drum up more conversation more often and see if he opens up. He won’t (on account of you treating the whole thing like a summer fling, which is what it was), but you have nothing to lose given that you’ll probably never see him again otherwise.

Actual sex on the beach is a lot like the drink in that only teenagers think it’s a fun and cool idea.

Sandy Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

The subject line is pretty clear I have a secret boyfriend of 2+ years my parents don’t know about and I need major advice on how to tell them.

So when I was a junior in high school I became good friends with this guy and mentioned maybe going to Prom with him when my mom and I were dress shopping. Her response was “you don’t want to go to Prom with him.” So she pretty much shot that down and when he asked me over text I said no. He was a senior when I was a junior and he was supposed to move to California after graduation so I didn’t want to start anything anyway. That summer we went on a school trip to Europe together and got even closer. When we got back, I asked to go to the city park with him and my mom freaked out like I had asked to marry me the guy. She said that he wanted to be firefighter and that they didn’t make enough money. Later that summer, I saw him anyway and didn’t tell her. He was respectful of me, funny, interesting, thought I was a beautiful and in love with me. By the end of the summer I was in love with him too. I didn’t think that it would last long, my only previous relationship had lasted only two months. Or I thought that I would get caught and the work would be done for me.

I continued to see him my whole senior year and she never found out. He came to my graduation party and I introduced them but then my mom just made snide comments behind his back. She is a bitchy hypocritical judgmental bitch. She is a crazy bitch who is always yelling at my family members (me, my dad, and my sister) about stuff and constantly bitching. She only wants whatever she wants and hardly cares about anyone else (even though she says she does). She’s basically impossible and I’m not exaggerating because she has caused my sister emotional harm. Another reason I didn’t want to tell my parents was I knew my mom would say that I didn’t know what love was or that I was too young and basically invalidate my feelings.

I later found out my mom had a huge fight with his mother (idk what it was over) and I think that is a large part of why she hates him. She also hated the fact he wore camo pants and drove a loud car, but we were in high school in West Virginia.

Fast forward two years and I am 19 and a sophomore at WVU and they still don’t know. I said I’d tell them when I got to college but I was living in a dorm. I was also afraid that they would quit funding my education if I told them. He lives forty minutes away so he came to see me quite frequently. Now I am a sophomore and have my own apartment and a car on campus so we still see each other regularly.

My boyfriend has his life mostly together because he got a full time job as a firefighter, just bought a new car, and is moving into his own apartment next month. I also know him not going to college will be an issue with my parents.

He asked me to go meet his family in Georgia with him this summer and I really want to go on this trip but I know I can’t unless I tell my parents. My friends and sister have always known. And my dad would be happy for me but I am afraid of what my mom will do if I tell her. My original plan was to tell her that it was new college thing. However, I don’t think that would go over well I’m afraid she’d remember I talked to him in high school. I love him and I don’t wanna lose him. I know I have to tell them sometime but I am literally so afraid to. The fact that he is with me after all this proves how much he loves me, but i need all the help I can get to tell my parents. Please Help!

Will Smith was right, parents just don’t understand. And the great thing about becoming adult is that, not only do you realize they don’t understand sometimes, but also that your parents are perfectly capable of being complete morons. Just like us! I mean really, if your mom had wanted you to wind up with an ascot-wearing petroleum baron, maybe she should have started by not sending her daughter to public school in West fucking Virginia? Just a thought.

I think you’re right that this is motivated more by her own selfish desires than it is wanting what’s best for you. I mean, most parents in their position would be thrilled for their daughter to date a guy with all of his teeth, let alone a steady job. Has she ever actually been to Morgantown to see what your other options are? Why, I bet the tin and a half of Skoal your boyfriend goes through in a week is positively quaint in comparison. Besides, what’s her issue with his career? Firefighting is dangerous as shit, so if she’s a betting woman you’d think she’d like the long odds.

Unfortunately there’s no real secret sauce or magic bullet here—you’re probably right that you’re going to have to tell her at some point, more or less directly. It just isn’t worth the hassle, even if a small part of me is quietly thinking that it’s also not worth the hassle spending your college years tied down to the same underachiever you’ve known since high school (spoiler alert: lot’s and lots of guys will willingly tell you you’re beautiful and that they love you!). But that’s not really fair, so: telling her is the way to go.

Does your dad know? I’d go through him first, if not. More support is better than less, even if your dad sounds like a pushover who doesn’t try to put a stop to your mom’s asshole-ish behavior. What he can do, however, is help brainstorm ways to make this more palatable to her. I’d do it sooner than later and frame it as you telling her out of reverence: “Mom, I love you and respect our relationship, so I thought it was important that you know I’ve been seeing Cletus for the past several months. He’s way more mature than I remember him from high school.”

Yeah, that’s right. I said “several months.” Fuck it, lie a little to the woman. It’s not like it’s any worse than the bullshit she’s been holding over your head the past four years.

Inbred Kisses,

Head Pro

Head Pro will only flirt with your friends in private, like the extremely women-respecting gentleman that he is. Email your questions for him to [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

As much as I love this column I never thought I’d have to write in to it, but here it goes. For clarification, what’s done is done, but I need to know if/how I could have handled this clusterfuck of a situation differently.

I recently handed in my notice and will be moving out of the country, so with a month left, I thought I’d fire up the swiping apps and have some fun. I ended up meeting this guy for drinks who I found myself really physically attracted to, though I knew he was just looking for a fuck buddy and took my leaving the country soon to mean I’d be down too. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it but I’ve never really thrown caution to the wind so I decided to go with it.

I first met him on a Tuesday. Flash forward to Friday and we’ve been texting all week. I get a bit drunk and so does he and we end up going back to my place and having sex. To be honest, it wasn’t mind blowing, and at one point he jokingly told me I was ‘not even an object, an inanimate object,’ but I let him stay until morning and give me massages/cuddle because why the fuck not.

After that we continued our texting through the week, though he wasn’t exactly jumping on the opportunity to see me again. Finally on Sunday afternoon he asks if he can come over and against my better judgment I say why not. When he arrives my roommates are all home and I tell him it’s too awkward, so we go for coffee where he’s simultaneously all over me yet talking about his ex gf and how hard it was to break up with her A YEAR AGO….please. Just when I’m thinking OK, it’s fine, we can just go back to my place and fuck and at least I’ll get something out of it…the crimson wave arrives. Great.

I was so awkward about it that I still brought him back, ended up just making out with him and cuddling and pretending like I just didn’t want to do anything more. When he said he had to go, I begged him to stay like some kind of psycho girlfriend (why did I do this?! I have no idea?). Unsurprisingly, after that performance he texted me saying “You’re nice and that was nice, but I don’t think we should see each other again. We’re clearly very different people looking for different things right now.”

My question: am I a total psycho for what I did having him come over for a presumed booty call and then pulling that shit? Why, if I knew this was just gonna be a fuck buddy situation, didn’t I just leave it? The entire thing is so unlike me and I feel completely mortified/confused.

Sincerely,

Someone who needs their citizenship revoked

Lmaoooooooooo. No, I don’t think you’re psycho, but you’re not, like, not psycho? I think we sell a shirt for people like you. And not for nothing, this guy sounds like he has a whole shitton of his own issues, without the excuse of an impending move overseas. Like, what’s your excuse for calling a willing sex partner an inanimate object, fucko? And I’m sorry, if a grown man over age of, oh, 25 or so can’t get over an ex within a year, he’s fucked up. We should implement a nationwide minimum swiping age of 30. I fully expect the NRA’s support in this initiative.

Anyway, some people respond to uncertainty by clinging to routine. You, apparently, do like the COMPLETE opposite and try some shit you wouldn’t ordinarily try. I think that’s ok. Most of us would probably be better off using big life changes to try new things, provided those things aren’t black tar heroin or thinking you can pull off bangs. Really, all this ended up being was you misreading a dead-end hookup situation and biting off a little more than you could chew—what little plan you had fell apart, and you short-circuited in the moment.

I’m no doctor, but I think that’s basically it: looming uncertainty about a new chapter in life combined with the uncharted waters of the NSA hookup scene. At least you managed to kill two (or more?) birds with one stone, and have learned the perils of being a clinger.

Hey Head Pro!

A few months back, my friend starting dating a guy she met on Tinder. After a few hang outs, she invited me to meet him and I immediately received flirtatious vibes from him. The next time I saw him, about a month later, he was openly flirting with me at a party while my friend was in the other room. He kept finding ways to touch me or to make me touch him (“feel my hair, there’s like no gel in it!”). When his girlfriend (my friend!) sat on his lap, he made seriously creepy eye contact with me.

I always try to brush it off, assuming I don’t really know him and perhaps it’s just his personality, but many of my other friends have noticed him staring at me or talking to me for too long or finding a way to bring me up in conversation. We’re now at the point where everyone but his girlfriend notices his behavior.

Here’s my question: do I bring it up to her and risk losing my friend or do I try to let it go and continue to act oblivious? Better yet, should I bring it up to him? What would I say in either of these scenarios?

I’m not sure how long they’ll last, but it doesn’t seem like he’ll be going anywhere any time soon.

Thanks for your help!

Xo,
Flirting with Disaster

Ok first of all (and I mean no offense by this), if you’re getting flirty vibes after seeing him a month apart, I gotta assume it has a lot more to do with him than you. Like, the odds that he’s just flirting with you and not other people in that timeframe are extremely low. Unless your friend is dating a horny 13-year-old boy and is ALSO a bridge troll (who he’s dating for some reason, probably because she buys him beer), there’s no way he’s carrying a torch for you (and only you) for that long. I think you’re dealing with a standard-issue creepy person.

Regardless, no, you can’t say something. If you do, all your friend is gonna do is immediately accuse you of coming onto HIM, which is obviously untrue but people tend to trust the people they’re fucking. And don’t get grand visions of forming a united front and intervening that way, either—someone (possibly several people!) in the group likely doesn’t see his creepy advances in as poor a light as you do, and would probably defect and take her side in the argument. Oh god, that would be so much worse. Because then EVERYONE thinks you’re horny for him, and it would eventually get back to him, and then next time you see him (if you’re not ostracized from the group), he’d think he was Matt Dillon in Wild Things. “Matt Dillon in Wild Things” is how every creep ALREADY pictures himself, and you don’t wanna fuel that fire.

Instead, I would do your best to give him the benefit of the doubt and view him as one of those assholes who’s “just really friendly to everyone!” You know the type—guys who hug every female friend they have (why no love for the bros, Sir Hugs-a-Lot?), sound like politicians whenever they talk to new people (“so like, tell me your story”), and generally try to endear themselves to everyone by being insufferably, performatively nice. These guys are almost exclusively under 5’10” tall, for some reason.

If you can do that, you can practice the standard neutralizing tactics practiced by quasi-introverts like myself. Avoidance is the general rule; specifically no touching. His cringeworthy “touch my hair” bit is actually perfect, because you can dodge it without looking like a dick (unlike, say, a hug). Just be like “cool, yeah, I can tell” and refuse to play along further. Those people HATE when they can’t dictate the terms, and will usually lose interest if they feel they don’t have you under their spell anymore.

Also, figure out a way to get your friend to stop sitting on his fucking lap in public. This is a group outing, for chrissakes.

Head Pro will only flirt with your friends in private, like the extremely women-respecting gentleman that he is. Email your questions for him to [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

Head Pro’s private parts are clean as a whistle. Email him your questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Hello Head Pro,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for only a year, but we get along really great. In my opinion, we have a healthy relationship. We can communicate well about most things, we are polite to each other, know our boundaries and it’s just going fabulous. We haven’t had a fight either. The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is that he likes to party. From what his friends have told me, he has calmed down since he started dating me, a non-partier. I really like him, and it makes me feel weird when he goes out to parties and raves.

He has invited me to both types of events, and I’ve gone to a party a couple of times and I disliked the atmosphere and how people act at parties. I try to just kinda ignore everything that’s happening, but I can feel that he’d like me to drink something at a party. At the party, I just stood by his side, it was uncomfortable because I was the only one who didn’t drink. He drank just a beer, but from the ways his friends at the parties were shaming him for only drinking one BEER, I got the hint he usually does way more. He is so polite and a great guy, but this party side of him makes me feel really uncomfortable. He knows that I don’t party and respects that. He is always up to do whatever I want to do, but when he asked me to go to a party, I said yes because I felt that this is one thing he’d really like to me do so I went. He almost never asks me to do things, ever.

Should I decline to go to any more parties with him? I felt bad bc last time I went, we hung around his drunk friends and he realized I was super uncomfortable and asked if I wanted to sit down. We sat in another room and just talked and had funny conversations, but I felt like I drew him away from the event he invited me to and I felt like I just wanted his attention. I didn’t, I just don’t drink or anything so I didn’t know what to do. Do you have any advice?

Thank you,

These are always tough. It’s totally fine to not drink or party in college. Honestly, judging by what I remember of my GPA, it’s probably good and beneficial in the long run. That said, If you’re going to get through college (and life, really), you’re going to have to learn how to be around drunk people in a social setting. And I feel you, being the sober Sally SUCKS. Drunk people are annoying, and college people are annoying, so a group full of drunk college students is hell on Earth if you’re sober. But drinking together is a HUGE social bonding agent in our society, so avoiding it altogether for the rest of your life would be almost impossible. You gotta find a way to deal. I suggest meth.

As far as this particular boyfriend, though, I don’t think you need to do anything different. Not because either of you needs to change, but because this relationship isn’t going to last. If your boyfriend was such a prolific frat star before he met you, I extremely doubt that anything has “changed” within him since you got to school (I’m assuming you’re a freshman, because only a freshman would send this email). He hasn’t traded his partying days for domestic bliss, he’s just trying something new—dating you, that is.

Newness and/or novelty is the beating heart of the college existence, or at least it was for me. Most people remember their senior year most fondly, but I’d take freshman year over senior year any given day. That time is getting awfully small in my rearview window, but I can still remember the sheer NEWNESS of it all: the crisp fall air, the dipshit clothes I wore, the way the frats lit up the letters over their door, the music playing on the dancefloors, the foamy, shitty warm beer in solo cups, all of it. New place, new people, and (most importantly) a new you. Every day it was something, a new adventure. It was sensory overload, honestly, but that was fine because you’re 18 and an idiot you WELCOME an onslaught of information like that. Figuring out how the machine works is a lot more exciting than being a cog in it, and I’ve been chasing that dragon ever since. Nothing else measures up.

And honestly, going out is a huge part of that. When you’re that age, the most exciting new things of all are people, and parties are where you find them. As someone who had a pretty tame social life in high school, partying quickly embedded itself in my DNA. At night, you didn’t have classes or financial aid issues or gnawing memories of all the times you looked like an idiot in front of the entire school. You could be a GOD if you wanted, living life like a Kardashian and rolling around with your own personal soundtrack playing in your head. No opportunity to go out is too small. Hear music bumping from a dorm or house? “Bro, what if there’s Natty Light and heavy-titted women in there?” ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

So yeah, you don’t need to do anything—you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither is he. You’re both going to figure out what you want, and you’ll both decide what’s more important soon enough. Going to parties and figuring out how to enjoy yourself without booze would probably do you some good, but it’s not a requirement. My guess is that your boyfriend will eventually decide that his social life means more to him than spending his college years playing house with a tee-totaling girlfriend. I could be wrong, though, like back in freshman year when I thought I could pull off oversized Nautica polos and Timberland boots.

Dear Head Pro,

I met a guy on a dating app while out in another city for business. He seemed normal and I was bored of work talk so we met up for a drink. Long story short, my original “just a quick drink” plan turned into a 6hr hang out session and we did “stuff” (didn’t sleep with him though). Not sure if that even counts as a one-night stand—clearly new territory.

I thought we had a surprisingly good connection and it was actually a lot of fun. I suggested we meet up again and he seemed interested and asked for my availability but it never materialized because he would be hot/cold/busy with work and disappear only to apologize later. Plus it was long distance so it meant advance schedule checks and plans.

He finally called me a few weeks ago to say he was not trying to brush me off but really needs to focus on his life because I called him out on the vanishing act. And he ended it saying we should stay in touch and he will let me know when he is in my neck of the woods. We have not spoken since. Usually I would write this off right away but…

Anyway, I’m headed back to his city on business again shortly. Should I text him or let this be? Thinking the latter because while it would be fun to see him and I want us to get to know each other better on a non-physical level, it would be much nicer if he got his shit together and put in some actual effort someday. Thoughts?

Lol no, fuck this guy. Saying “let me know when you’re in town” doesn’t mean anything more than when you run into an acquaintance you forgot about and tell them “we should get coffee some time!” It’s small talk. The social code mandates that we buffer bad news with good; that we end negative sentiments on an uplifting note. He needs to “focus on his life,” but you two should “stay in touch.” That’s just filler, something people are programmed to say to the point where it’s practically a reflex.

Besides, this guy’s a fuckboy anyway. Only a fuckboy gets called out on his mild ghosting and then IMMEDIATELY finds a way to make it about himself. “Ah yes, once you pointed out that I stopped talking to you after we did some hand and mouth stuff, I realized that I have too many demons to juggle right now. Thank you for helping me to see the light. And no, I’m not available next Friday. Or the next.”

You hung out literally once, in a city where you don’t live. I think you’ll be alright trolling for someone new on Hinge.

Dear Head Pro,

I am a sophomore in college and for the past month, I was hooking up with a senior in one of my classes. He is way more experienced that I am and I know that he sleeps around a lot. I never let myself develop any kind of feelings for him because I doubt this will turn into anything and things were pretty casual, but I do like hanging out with him. We hooked up a decent amount of times (initially drunk and then towards the end a couple of times sober) and now that we are on winter break, he occasionally snapchats me flirty things and has done other things to indicate that he is into me.

Today, I got an anonymous text through a notification service saying that I should get checked for STDs because someone I have slept with tested positive, and obviously I’m really freaked out. Unless someone is playing a joke on me, the only person who could have sent it is this kid. Is it crazy of me to think he owed me more than an anonymous text telling me to get tested, leaving me with absolutely no information just because he was scared or embarrassed? After I am tested, is it ok to confront him telling him how messed up that was of him? Lastly, despite all of this and being upset by his actions, I don’t think I am necessarily over him.

Sincerely,

Scared

Holy shit! Not that you might have herpes; that happens all the time. But there’s an APP for telling people your dick’s on fire? At first I thought you went to some bizarre dystopian school where they kept a registry of who slept with whom, because otherwise there’s no way for the service to know who to text. Then I read your email again sober, and it all made sense. That’s a pretty innovative technology!

Unfortunately, no I don’t think it’s ok to confront him about it. He made sure you were notified (albeit in a roundabout way), and that’s kind of all he owes you. More information would be nice (is it like, AIDS, or just regular gonorrhea?), but other than that he didn’t do anything wrong. Fucking around without protection is reckless, but unless he was sitting on these results, he wasn’t doing anything malicious. You didn’t have anything exclusive, and you in fact went out of your way to do that thing where girls say they never get feelings and then immediately start over-investing in meaningless shit like shirtless Snaps. Then, your last line really seals it.

However over him you are (or aren’t), I think you’re probably more upset at the fact that he had to get dick disease from someone else. Like, even if you KNEW that he was probably sleeping around, seeing evidence of it (in that fashion, no less) stings worse than the clap. Get checked out pronto (obvi), and then move the fuck on. He’s clearly not worth your time.

Head Pro’s private parts are clean as a whistle. Email him your questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Head Pro would love to be your friend, and would never ask you to go to New Jersey. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

I moved away from my hometown almost four years ago to a new city. I haven’t been able to make any friends here. At first, I thought the best place to meet girlfriends was at the bar, and that never really led to anything. I have (half—assed) tried to make friends in college and at work but nothing really lasts. I think its a combination of shyness and a feeling like I haven’t found anyone that I really connect with. Any advice on where to go to make girlfriends and also how to make the friendships blossom?

God, making friends as a post-grad adult is the worst fucking thing. It’s at LEAST as hard as dating, because it’s basically the same thing only without the motivation of having someone maybe touch your no-no zones. You’re not gonna wanna hear this, but unfortunately you’re going to have to put in work to find some decent friends, and even then they’ll only be a poor facsimile of the handful of actual, close friends you’ve made in life. People think that it’s the big memories and OMG moments that make a friendship, and that’s true to an extent. But I don’t think anyone realizes that its as much (or more) about the thousands of hours you spent with them doing absolutely nothing. That’s when you’re really intimate with someone—when you can sit, silently watching TV and the sound of their voice doesn’t immediately make you want to kill them.

The standard advice here is to join some kind of dipshit adult rec sports league (softball, kickball, fucking bocce ball, etc.), and that’s because it works—coalescing around one single, uncomplicated thing exposes you to all sorts of people, some of whom you might get along with. You don’t have to be athletic to do any of these things, because very few people are actually there for the LOVE OF THE GAME (note: I am one of these people. I’ll slide into you spikes up, don’t even test me). Most people are just there to get drunk and enjoy the weather, and just like you they probably want to branch out at least a little bit.

Other than that, you’re going to have to get extremely online with it. That sounds nerdy as fuck, but then again you’re already writing into an anonymous internet person to ask about something 5-year-olds do with ease. MeetUp.com is lame, yes, but they seem like they do a phenomenal job of organizing events and activities that appeal to every interest under the sun. You’re shy and that’s not helpful, but the thing you have going for you is that literally everyone else is in the same boat—they’re all there explicitly to meet someone, and if they were gregarious social butterflies, they wouldn’t need a website to help them, would they? In the same vein, you can sign up for classes and activities via Groupon, LivingSocial, et al. if you want a more casual vibe. 

As for making a friendship blossom, I assumed women did that by having a steamy, pseudo-sexual (no penetration) encounter after a night of too much wine and complaining about boys. My understanding of female friendships is not the sharpest.

Dear Head Pro,

I met this guy on Hinge and we get along really well—we text a lot throughout the day and in person we crack each other up. And he’s extremely hot. And has told me that he really likes me (the feeling is/was mutual).

Here’s my problem: he lives in Jersey (why do I do this to myself?) and so far I’ve only seen him once a week for the past like, month or so. Honestly, I’m at a point where I either want things to ramp up or I’m over it. I’m just tired of all the texting back-and-forth and putting mental energy into playing that game when I don’t see him all that much, and when I do our conversations are a little surface level, even if the rapport is good, and I have no idea what he wants out of this. So my questions are:

1. WTF do I do? I recognize that it’s pretty fucking insane to be like “what are we/where do you see this going” after a little over a month of hanging out because I don’t live in an episode of The Bachelor. And I don’t really want to take that route unless that’s objectively the move.

2. Should I just nope out now? I’m suspecting/worried he’s kinda giving me the fade… his texts are getting further apart although he does respond to each one. Then again it was just the holidays and we’re all back at work and shit so there’s a chance I’m being insane. I’m a pretty passive(-aggressive) person and will usually err on the side of inaction to prove a point whenever I start to question things… should I just assume he’s over it too and ghost accordingly?

I feel like there are two types of women in the world: ones who are completely batshit but think they’re normal, and those who second-guess themselves into thinking they’re batshit. You’re the latter, which is I guess better than the former (though I imagine trying to pick a restaurant with you is its own fresh hell). But I feel this. Most of the time people write in with apocalyptic dating disasters, but this is more realistic—how do you handle a thing that’s for the most part pretty good, but like not as good as you’d like it to be? Most people are naturally risk-averse, and prefer to have that sure thing in-hand before letting go of even a shitty thing, to say nothing of a decent thing. If I’m on a road trip, I’m not gonna pass-up a McDonald’s because I think there MIGHT be a Chick-Fil-A further down the road. You’d probably be like “that’s ok with me I guess, I don’t mind either way, whatever we do is fine,” and I’d kick you out of the car at highway speeds.

Anyway, these are not two separate options; they’re a natural progression. If things are stagnating and you’re considering breaking things off, what do you have to lose by asking where it’s going? We’re in that shitty post-holiday slump where everyone’s catching up on work, so there’s always a chance he could be otherwise engaged. I know SOP here (and everywhere, really) is to let the man take the lead on furthering the relationship, but I don’t see how that benefits you in this instance. It’s not a crazy thing to ask about after a month! People have been proposed to in far less time, and I should know because that’s how I close out every 3rd date I go on (this does not work well for me).

The worst he says is some version of “I dunno, I’m not really looking for anything serious.” In that case, you say “I respect that, but I kind of am so I think it’s best we bring whatever this is to an end.” That’s it! And in the (less likely, tbh) event that he reaffirms how much he likes you and enjoys your company, you would then express your concerns and see if you can’t come up with a solution (matching with girls in NY when you live in Jersey should earn you a spot on the sex offender registry). I know it sounds crazy, but putting, like, actual work and effort into a relationship is a thing I promise you people have done and continue to do to great effect.

Head Pro would love to be your friend, and would never ask you to go to New Jersey. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta @betchesheadpro.

2018 got here not a moment too soon. Email Head Pro at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

So my (now ex) boyfriend and I were good friends for two and a half years, and we starting dating nine months ago. Our relationship wasn’t perfect by any means and we definitely had our problems, but it was (I thought) an overall positive and healthy relationship, and he was someone I really saw a future with. I spent thanksgiving with his family a month ago and we were planning on moving in together after we graduate in May, and up until three days ago he was telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. Intense, I know, but I really loved him and was ready to take that step with him, and he made it abundantly clear that he saw a future with me too, and was even the one to originally suggest us moving in together.

We live on opposite coasts when we’re not in school (mind you, I’ve flown to California to see him twice), and he was supposed to fly to New York to spend New Year’s with me, and subsequently meet my mom. Yesterday he said he needed to talk to me, and I figured he just wanted some moral support (given that he’s been with his family 24/7 and had a strained relationship with them, and he’s trying to quit nicotine and has had really shitty withdrawals). Instead, he just told me that he didn’t think we were compatible and that he didn’t see us working long term, and that he’d been talking to his friends and family at home and decided he wanted to break up. He did this over the phone, TWO DAYS before I’m supposed to see him.

I point blank told him that I thought he was acting really rashly, but that the damage he was doing was permanent and that there would be no chance of us reconciling or being friends after this.

I already arranged for a friend to get my things from his place, and I have his number and social media blocked. I gave myself yesterday to just cry and drink wine, and I’m currently sitting in a chair at a salon getting some sorely missed highlights. I’m mostly angry and upset right now, but tbh a part of me is relieved. He’s pretty conservative and I’m kind of a free spirit, and I found that I censored myself a good bit during our relationship, and stopped doing things that used to make me feel good (like getting highlights, manicures, and spending my Friday nights at happy hour instead of home watching movies). How I’m feeling sucks right now, but I know this breakup is just an opportunity for me to get back to my old self and stop being such a fucking nicegirl.

The problem is that he lives two blocks away from me at school and our social lives are extremely intertwined. We go to all of the same bars and events, and my best friend from home (who happens to go to college with me) is also one of his best friends. It’s only a matter of time before I run into him, and I’m absolutely dreading it. Thankfully we graduate in May, and after that I’ll never have to see him again, but I still need to get through this next semester.

I’ve been a loyal Betches reader since 2015, so I already know the advice you’re going to give me is that the fewer fucks I give (or appear to give), the better. I just don’t know to convincingly act like I don’t give a fuck while I’m this angry and hurt.

Any advice?

Sheesh. Well, happy fucking New Year to you, I guess. I have a feeling Thanksgiving probably didn’t go too well, or at least not as well as you thought it did. Probably his family didn’t like you for whatever reason. That matters, no matter how “strained” his relationship with them is. You probably dodged a bullet, tbh. He sounds like a guy who has a VERY specific idea of what a girlfriend (and by extension, a spouse) should be, given that he tisk-tisked you for little shit like getting your nails done. I can’t think of another explanation for the shitty about-face. Guys who do their dumping over the phone deserve to have our fat asshole president’s Twitter feed beamed into their eyeballs 24/7.

The first thing to understand about the upcoming semester is that you’re probably gonna end up humping again once or twice. When the senior scaries set in, it’s too easy to fall back into comfortable old habits. You might even consider getting back together, so be prepared for that. But to your point, yes, you should give the fewest fucks possible. But instead of worrying about how to do that, recognize that most people completely fuck up the art of not giving a fuck. They go out of their way to flaunt their not-giving-a-fuck-ness in front of their exes, and there are perpetually-29-year-old “actresses” in L.A. that come off as less desperate. Instead, you have to ACTUALLY not give a fuck. It sounds hard, I know, but it doesn’t have to be. The hardest part will be continually reminding yourself to make plans as though he doesn’t exist; to go out and have fun for you, rather than him seeing you having fun.

You gotta practice some self care (am I using that right?), so like maybe avoid him when doing so isn’t super inconvenient. But with any luck, he’ll feel like the asshole in this situation (because he is!), and thus will be the one making an ass of himself trying to act all cool and aloof. If you see him, just be a normal person—you won’t fool anyone by trying to pretend that what happened didn’t. Otherwise, just fill your time by spending your final semester having fun with all the other people you care about. It goes by faster than you think.

Hey Head Pro,

I’ve been hooking up with one of my brother’s best friends (without him knowing), we’ve been in my house a few times, we’ve been texting for like 4 months… and we have already talked about it we are just hooking up, we are seeing other people (he is not the girlfriend type of guy). But last week we’ve got into an argument and he started to give me so many explanations (that he didn’t need to give and I didn’t ask for) and saying that for him this is not just a random hook up, and for me it wasn’t just a random hook up either but I didn’t say it.

Well, today I was talking with my brother just to find out that he had sex last night IN MY HOUSE, WHERE HE HAS BEEN WITH ME with a random girl. I know this means that I shouldn’t waste my time with a guy like him, I’m not really asking for advice for a future relationship, I’m just looking for advice for a great revenge.

I think you know what you have to do: Infiltrate his house, and proceed to fuck his dad. I see no flaw in this plan.

2018 got here not a moment too soon. Email Head Pro at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Images: Xavier Sotomayor / Unsplash; Giphy

Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer, and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Hey there head pro,

Not sure if you’re still answering questions, but here’s one you probably don’t get that much. Basically, I’m in my mid-twenties, and I’ve had exactly five orgasms in my life. I have a good sex life, masturbate, etc. it’s just really hard for me to orgasm. I’ve tried everything you can think of, read every article, even seen doctors about it, but I’m just one of the people who have a really hard time cumming. It’s tragic, I know, and that’s not even the problem I’m writing to you about.

A few years ago, a guy I was in a serious relationship with broke up with me over this issue. He even said that everything else in our relationship was perfect he just “didn’t feel like a man” because he couldn’t make me orgasm. He did tell me I could give him a call if I ever got the problem fixed (go fuck yourself). This obviously made me feel really shitty because I’ve tried really hard to find a solution, and he knew this and knew I was seeing doctors for it. I still like sex a lot and have an above-average sex drive, I always told him how good he was in bed, and I never pouted about my problem or anything.

Since then I’ve casually slept with different guys, and as long as they put in some effort to make sex enjoyable, I just fake an orgasm. I know people always say not to do this and it’s like against feminism, but I started doing it because 1) I’m not interested in telling random hookups about my sexual history/issues. 2) I’d rather not scare off another guy, and 3) If I do tell a guy and he puts a lot of effort in to try and make me orgasm, it makes me feel pressured which is a guarantee it won’t happen.

So, sorry for all the backstory, here’s the issue. I ended up really liking one of the guys I was sleeping with, and now we’re in a relationship that’s going really well. Except for the fact I’ve been faking an orgasm 99% of the time of course. Since we’re a couple now, I’d really like to stop lying and tell him the whole story, but I’m afraid what his reaction will be to both me having this problem and me having faked orgasms. The thing is, he’s actually amazing in bed and is responsible for two of my orgasms, which is incredible for me. Any tips for bringing this up? And if he does dump me over this, any advice on how to handle this for future relationships? Would this be a dealbreaker for the average guy?

Orgasmless in Seattle

Yeah, I’m still answering questions, I’m just both lazy and busy, which is a lethal combination. Faking it (whether it’s orgasms or being a productive blogger) is never the path you want to go down, but I understand doing what you gotta do. In this case, the good news is that you have an excellent angle from which to approach this: He is responsible for a solid 40% of your climaxes. A way better efficiency rate than the freakin’ congress, amirite folks?!? I say, the next time you ride the fuckcoaster and you don’t see God, that’s a good time to say something like “you know, I’ve had a hard time reaching orgasm my entire life, I’ve even seen doctors about it. In fact, the only time I’ve ever actually cum during sex was with you.”

Now: Is that last part true? I have no idea. Only you know. But even if not, it’s a beautiful little lie. You can just tell him that the other three orgasms came during intense, marathon diddle sessions that left you with carpal tunnel afterwards. The point is, you’re padding his ego just enough so that you can easily and honestly discuss the issue without worrying about anyone feeling awkward. Reinforce that he knows his way around his own dick, but also impress upon him that machines built literally expressly for your pleasure just won’t get the job done sometimes. Also important: let him know that sex can be perfectly fun and enjoyable without an orgasm, especially for someone who has them about as often as Donald Trump has a solid bowel movement. A lot of guys don’t realize that, because it’s a little different for us.

Even though it’s not really something you want to use in this way, it’s kind of a litmus test. If he’s cool, he’ll totally understand, keep up the good work, and (most importantly) not make it about his ego. If not, well, you know what to do. Kick him to the curb, and tell him to call you when he gets the problem fixed.

But no more faking. No good cums of that.

Dear Head Pro,

I’ve been texting a swiping app match for about 2 weeks, and we originally were going to meet the weekend after thanksgiving. We never made plans with a time/place so I figured nbd, it’s the holidays and we just started talking. He isn’t able to meet until the weekend after Christmas….literally 4 weeks away. Is he just trying to avoid me so I don’t get the wrong idea over the holidays? Or is he just not trying to meet?

For the record, I don’t want a relationship or a one-nighter, just something casual with someone that is sexually curious. Specifically, we have a dom/sub thing going on and he’s really into it/me from the texts, so I’m confused why he hasn’t tried to move things along. I don’t think he’s traveling for Christmas bc his family is pretty much all in his city. He’s living with his brother for the next few months so I’m wondering if that’s the issue?

Side note: Another match has the same demanding hours as him (same occupation, requires weekends depending on the client) but has managed to ask me out twice within the same time span of knowing Mr.Dom. He is recently divorced so he’s obvi not looking for a relationship either. Idk maybe I’m having a hard time with this because even my old dates that were like, working on a doctorate still made time to drive 45 minutes to take me out.

Should I kick him to the curb before talking drags on too long? I am only distraught over this because I want to expand my kink and we fit well personality wise. Is it normal etiquette to not hook up over the holidays?? What are guys thinking as far as plans go for someone that is FWB material before Christmas break? Is it too romantic to do stuff (like watching the lights/skating) with someone you just met?

Thanks,

Daddy’s little girl

Let me get this straight: All you want is to act out the lyrics to Ludacris’ second-best song. And yet, you’re distraught because the guy whom you want to smack your ass raw is… unable to find the time to meet and engage in deviant sexual congress with a total stranger during literally the busiest and most miserable time of the year? I don’t get it. In the same paragraph, you say it’s cool he hasn’t made plans because of the holidays, and then also that you’re worried he’s just not interested. What kind of drugs are you on, and where can I get some?

Weirder is that you’ve decided this based on exactly one other person you’ve matched with, and a handful of horny graduate students. This may shock you, but not all people are the same. I would go so far as to say that everyone is different, if I may be so bold. Yeah, guys for the most part wanna smash that ass, and we’ll overcome more hurdles than is probably necessary to do it. But what you want with this guy isn’t the standard “drinks and an awkward quickie” that most swiping app matches lead to. You want, like, a whole thing that involves role-play, rules, boundaries, and maybe even some heavy equipment. That’s not something you do on the fly, and certainly not in the month between eating turkey at grandma’s house and then ham at grandma’s house a little later. Like, that’s a serious commitment. A lot more serious than acting out your fantasies via text and furiously wanking it, anyway.

I don’t think holiday hookups are an etiquette thing so much as they’re an issue of logistics and convenience. As for guys’ plans, I think that depends on the guy. A college dude, yeah, he might be angling to line up some strange while he’s home for a couple months. But post-college? Nah. We’re not thinking about it at all, or any differently than we do any other time of the year. Honestly, just relax, and take the stranger you’ve yet to meet at face value for now. Keep on sexting, if you want to. He’ll still be there after NYE.

I don’t know how you went from “choke me daddy” to ice skating in the same message, so I won’t acknowledge it.

Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.