Nick’s contract has finally run out with ABC The Bachelor is finally over we can all properly prepare ourselves for the shitshow of the summer aka Bachelor in Paradise. And when I think Bachelor in Paradise I think of eyelash extensions that could last through a nuclear fucking bomb. But, like, are eyelash extensions really for you? Or are they more for the desperate fame whores types who like to get wasted on a Mexican beaches? Hmmm it’s a tough call but let’s investigate this, shall we?
After a great deal of
wine research I’ve developed a list of pros and cons of eyelash extensions so you can figure out for yourself how desperate you want your Instagram photos to look. And I couldn’t think of a better person to tell this pro/con story then my favorite crying virgin, and the sole reason a bus boy restaurant manager with zero personality thinks he can be a reality television star, Ashley Iaconetti.
PRO: They’ll Make You Feel Fancy AF
Eyelash extensions are not for the cheap of heart and therefore will make you feel fancy AF. Good ones can cost upwards of $100. However, you can technically get ones for $10 the same way you can technically buy a pregnancy test at the dollar store. Both are shady and will probably fuck you over.
Not only do eyelash extensions make you look like
a Kardashian one of those super rich people from The Hunger Games, but the process itself is fancy AF. You get to lie down in a bed and close your eyes for an hour and a half while calming music plays in the background and a paid technician makes you look beautiful. It’s like taking a nap but instead of waking up with crusty contacts and drool on your face, you get look like a fucking queen. Blessings.
CON: They Will NOT Make The Boy You’re Crying Over Look Fancy AF
Even though you’ll l look like a goddamn goddess with your new eyelashes, it doesn’t change the fact that that the boy you’re crying over is wearing a muscle tee and has tiny, shifty eyes.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Really, Ashley? THIS GUY??
PRO: They Last Forever
If you actually take care of your lashes you can make these bad boys last, like, a month and a half. But most places recommend you come back every 2-3 weeks for a touch-up. Which, coincidentally, is also what I tell the woman at mwho works the front desk at my gym who’s constantly harassing me about fitness classes. See you in two weeks, Judy.
CON: You Have To Get Them Professionally Removed
Getting the extensions removed is actually super easy and relatively quick, but you do have to see a professional. Usually every salon will have this service available but at a cost. Technically, extensions do fall out with the natural shedding of your lashes, but it’s a much slower process and your lashes might start to look more ratchet than Lace’s hair extensions last summer.
PRO: You Can Customize Your Eyelashes
That’s right, your Seamless order and your Bumble profile settings aren’t the only things you can customize these days. First, you can choose the length of your lashes. Most salons carry extension lengths from 9 to 15mm (aka from natural to Kylie Jenner length). But if you want to look like a normal fucking human the sweet spot is 10-12. After you pick your length you get to pick your curl. A “J” curl is for a more natural, awake look, while a “C” curl is a more dramatic, “I spend more time on my eyelashes than NASA spends preparing someone to travel through space” look.
And, as if there weren’t enough choices here, you also get to choose the material of your lash. Usually your choices consist of: faux mink, faux fox, silk, real mink, and last but not least, real human hair (eek). Tbh there’s not much differences between these looks so opt for the faux mink since it’s v affordable and then you won’t have a Scheana moment:
Ya I know we deviated from our Ashley I/Bachelor in Paradise theme but it was for educational purposes, therefore, it was necessary.
CON: You Cannot Customize Your BiP Experience
Ashley, if you can’t work with a tropical locale, enough alcohol to kill make a grown man shit himself on national TV (hi, Chad), and a bartender who pours heavier drinks than my winter weight, then I do not know how to help you. Those are legitimately the circumstances in which I lost my virginity. And for god’s sake, enough with the fucking chokers. You’re not about to take a middle school group shot with your besties on the class trip to DC, you’re trying to
get laid find love on national television. Get it together, girl.
^Yes, well it’s the way your choker is making it go.
PRO: You Can Wear Makeup With Them
I know, I know, this sort of defeats the whole purpose of getting these things but we all have that one girl in our friend group who always has to do the fucking most so I thought I’d address it now before Cassandra gets uppity. You’re welcome, bitch. So here’s the deal: You can wear eye makeup but liquid-based eye products can be damaging to the extensions. But if you can’t fucking help yourself then you can get away with a tiny wing of liquid liner as long as you’re not dragging it along the lash line. Make sure to carefully remove the shadow or liner with oil-free makeup remover. And whatever you do, do NOT use mascara unless you want your extensions to look crusty and damaged AF.
CON: They Could Ruin Your Lashes
And your chances at true love. Kidding! Ashley doesn’t need to blame her extensions—she does that all on her own. Ah, God love her. Seriously though, don’t get cocky and try and pull the extensions out yourself because not only is it v painful but it could also leave you with few to no natural eyelashes left. Which would be funny if it happened to the try-hard in my friend group, but would be devastating and par for the fucking course if it happened to me.
These GIFs are making me realize how much I fucking hate Ashley I, but also how on point her eyelashes are. Sighs. If they can withstand that much crying, a Mexican vacation, and all of Jared’s bullshit then, like, sign me up. I’m sold.