There’s a lot that can be learned from spending two to six hours a week
being held hostage by ABC watching The Bachelor (despite what my therapist tries to tell me). For example, if I didn’t watch, how would I know what’s in the latest FabFitFun boxes? Imagine what I’d be missing out on. RIDDLE ME THAT, THERAPIST. But the one lesson that’s been drilled into my head more than any other, episode after episode, is that these women do not come to play. And by “play” I mean in any way ruin the carefully painted-on face they show to the cameras. Dismissed night one before the girl who showed up wearing a giant fucking shark suit? She still looks better than me in my last professionally done headshot photo. Dumped on national television by the man who two weeks ago literally vowed to “choose you today and every other day”? She looks fucking flawless. Like, is there some sort of witchcraft happening on my TV screen? Because I do not for one fucking second believe these ladies just woke up like that. Nah. There’s something far more sinister going on here, like maybe that these ladies have extraordinary taste in makeup products. Luckily for you, betches, I do too. So here’s a definitive list of the best Bachelor-proof mascaras that will literally save your life, whether you’re dumped by a wet linguini noodle on national television or you just saw a cute puppy.
The Best Cry-Proof Mascara
Perhaps one of the most
thrilling devastating moments in Bachelor history was when Becca got straight-up dumped on national goddamn television after saying yes to Arie’s proposal on The Bachelor finale. And I do not at all believe that Arie uses this footage to get it up before banging the female version of C3PO minus the personality Lauren B (yes I do). Anyway, after the finale Becca said the one thing she learned from this experience was that men shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air as the rest of us “it’s always good to have waterproof mascara on hand—with this show, you never know when you’re going to cry.” Yeahhhh, that’s what I’m taking away from this experience too… Becca said her favorite brand of cry-proof mascara is Too Faced Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara, and I’m actually in total agreement with her on this one. It’s a cult favorite for a reason. Not only does it come in the best Betches approved color, black (duh), but it’s also suuuuper volumizing without making your lashes stiff and gross.
The Best Eyelash Extension-Friendly Mascara
Ah, yes. What would a list of Bachelor-proof mascaras be without Human Fountain of Tears, Ashley Iaconetti? If you’re wondering why Ashley didn’t get the coveted spot of “cry-proof mascara” example, then shame on you because Ashley is so much more than a (literal) cry for help. For example, Ashley also has some insane eyelash extensions that should also be represented here. She’s well-rounded like that. Ashley did a makeup tutorial back in 2016 when she wasn’t wearing eyelash extensions, and she said she uses L’Oréal Voluminous False Fiber Lashes Mascara when she doesn’t have them in.
But since I’d venture the amount of time Ashley spends without her eyelash extensions in is about equivalent to the time I spend at the gym, let’s discuss some extension-friendly mascara options. As every Cosmo girl here knows, in order to make your extensions last as long as humanly possible, you’re supposed to avoid using mascara, period. That said, if you think any of these bitches are going to show up on live fucking television with one single ounce of their real faces showing, you better think a-fucking-gain. That’s where Maybelline Great Lash comes in clutch, especially if you have eyelash extensions but also if you hate revealing your true face (hi). For one, it’s not an oil-based mascara so it won’t fuck with the glue and loosen your extensions. It’s also super lightweight and looks natural so, like Ashley, you can pretend to be a chill low-maintenance girl (at least in front of the guy your pretending hasn’t friend-zoned your ass).
The Best “Surviving Paradise” Mascara
If you’re less of a perfectionist and more of a
Lace person in need of a keeper to supervise your every movement, then you’re gonna need a mascara that keeps up with your ratchet ass. Blinc Mascara is some good shit and will be the only thing keeping you from looking like Lace seconds after she face-plants into her marg when you’re out day drinking. Seriously. This shit does not budge, flake, or smudge, AND it’s tear-proof. Like, it can survive you openly weeping when your Seamless guy calls you to say your pizza will be a few minutes late. The only downside is that it’s not super buildable—this shit dries in literally 90 seconds or less so you better be quick AF when you apply it. But, like, if you’re already planning to black out and ruin your life while looking flawless, then who tf even cares?
The Best Nap-Proof Mascara
ABC did not know what a GEM they had on their hands when they let Corinne Olympios grace all of our lives with her presence on Nick’s season, because that girl is a fucking wise-ass betch. Seriously. There’s no one I learned more valuable life lessons from than the nap queen herself. And one of those lessons is that love can wait until after you’ve napped. Honestly, inspiring. So when you’re napping on national television and then rolling out of bed for a shitty group date, you’re going to need a mascara that doesn’t rub all over your face when you sleep. We asked Corinne, and she said she uses Maybelline Total Temptation mascara.
If you’re a little bougie and want to invest more than like, $9 in waking up looking like you didn’t just claw yourself out of your own fresh grave, then you’re gonna want to buy Clinique Lash Power Mascara, because it is a goddamn game changer. It’s got an ophthalmologist-approved formula that lengthens the shit out of your lashes but, like, without any irritation. Also, it legit never smudges, even when you sleep. Blessings.
Images: Giphy (5); blincinc.com (1); toofaced.com (1); maybelline.com (I); clinique.com (1)
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Well friends, I guess it was inevitable. Ashley Iaconetti and her bottomless tear ducts have finally secured the brief attention love and everlasting devotion of Applebee’s manager, Jared Haibon. Congrats! I hope you celebrate with $1 cocktails and half-price apps for you both! Ashley is officially the first person on earth for whom the strategy of endless sobbing, unrequited obsession, and relentless texting until the other person gave up worked. Weird, because I did that with one guy and the police told me it was not okay, and no it wouldn’t be stricken from my record. I guess there is a celebrity double standard. Rude.
People magazine exclusively reported the news of this blessed new couple last night, and then Ashley announced it on her Instagram as if it were her fucking engagement. There’s a lot to unpack in the article and the post, prepare yourself for maximum gagging. BTW, People magazine must be hard up for content these days, huh? I mean, Ashley and Jared’s claims to fame are more tenuous than the Cash Me Ousside girl.
First, let’s take a look at Ashley’s announcement via Instagram. She posted this photo last night:
Okay fine, Ashley, that picture is cute. But girl, you can’t wear white anymore! We all know you gave it up to a dude that pronounces the word “about” as “aboot” on a subpar Bachelor spin-off. But really, though, what’s up with the pseudo-wedding dress? Do we think Ashley is so thankful Jared finally agreed to date her that she wears white everywhere they go and then whenever he gets a little tipsy, she just has a priest pop up out of the bushes?
Kind of genius if that’s the case. *Scribbles note in diary for the day I meet Jake Gyllenhaal.* Ashley also announced the news in her Insta story to the Taylor Swift song “Dress”. Honestly I’m kind of into that choice, and clearly underestimated Ashley, since I figured she’d go with “You Belong With Me” or like, “Teardrops on My Guitar”. You’ve found me out—I kind of like Taylor and know her entire discography, don’t @ me, you savages.
Now, let’s talk about the People article. If you have three hours of your life to spare and are interested in how many times Jared ghosted Ashley the timeline of their relationship I’d suggest you read it. I’m going to pull out the highlights and decipher their true meaning.
After their first season of Bachelor in Paradise, Jared dumped Ashley. He says that “I’m not gonna lie and say that I was in love with Ashley during BiP. It was a slow build for me.” Here Jared is using the phrase “slow build” as a euphemism for “I was not at all into her but her emotional abuse eventually wore me down and I was really horny.” But also, you didn’t immediately want to bang the girl that snotted all her makeup off every episode? SHOCKING NEWS.
At some point after that, Ashley went on Bachelor: Winter Games and Jared went on Bachelor in Paradise: Australia. You read that right, folks. Jared has sunk so low that no one in America even wants him on their TV screens anymore. When do we get to send the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey there? Or can felons not leave the country?
When Jared returned from the Outback to manage an Outback Steakhouse (I paraphrase), he heard that Ashley met someone on Winter Games, so naturally that’s when he decided he was into her. THIS FUCKING GUY. It’s like he read the fuckboy handbook and followed it to a T. Because seriously, she cries over him every day for three years, and then she finally gets a boyfriend and he’s like, “Those tears are so sexy, I need you.” So, even though Ashley was finally engaging in sexual activity happy with her slightly mangled Canadian James Marsden, Jared decided he had to profess his feelings.
Men = Trash. Seriously. If you stood a vaguely man shaped creature made out of crumpled Dorito bags and used paper towels held together by gum and said it was my new boyfriend, I’d believe you.
This is how it went down, according to Ashley: “I left that conversation with him not just admitting that he was jealous but also he had feelings, and you kind of alluded to wanting to be with me.”
Really, Jared? I love that he’s saying he’s into her but STILL vague about it. “Alluding to wanting to be with me.” Spit it out of those mangled teeth, Jared! Do you want in or not? Personally I think he came back from Australia where not even a kangaroo would touch him with an 10-foot pole and realized in America he’d actually have to compete with real hotties like Dean and his baby blues and fucking panicked. And now he’s walking around with an Ashley-shaped tumor attached to his leg.
In all seriousness, I do hope this is the real thing and Ashley gets her happily ever after with the guy who didn’t want to deflower her. How long do you all think this one will last? At least until Jared gets it in they have something else to promote, I’m sure. Best of luck to them, I’ll just be here sobbing over my work crush in hopes he breaks off his engagement for me.
Images: @ashley_iaconetti/Instagram; giphy (4)
Less than a week after breaking off his engagement with Lauren B., it seems Ben Higgins may have already moved on to a new Bachelor alum: Ashley Iaconetti. The two were spotted at a Bryan Adams concert in LA over the weekend, and may have been the only people under the age of 45 in attendance.
Eyewitnesses told TMZ that Ben and Ashley definitely went to the concert together and “were chatting it up,” as one does when one attends a concert or social gathering in the company of another person. So scandalous. However, before you get too excited or start tweeting “HOW COULD YOU??” at Ben, apparently sources say they weren’t “chatting” exclusively and there was no PDA between the two.
SNORE. Where’s the drama? Oh right, I forgot that Ben was one of the most boring Bachelors in history and his most scandalous moment was telling two women he loved them. I know that’s like, a cardinal sin in the Bachelor-verse, but really when you think about it, a guy displaying the emotional intelligence of a goldfish is not exactly new or controversial. Anyway, Ben and Ashley are apparently launching a podcast together called “Almost Famous,” so this whole thing was basically just a publicity stunt that we all fell for. I will not be listening to their podcast out of protest of this fake news (and not because I never would have listened to it in the first place and didn’t even know it existed).
Ashley I. herself told UsWeekly that she and Ben are “Totally just friends!” which is suspiciously what every couple who is decidedly not just friends says. So could romance be on the horizon for these two? I mean, I could see it. They both cry a lot. And are brunettes. And if that’s not the foundation for a rock-solid relationship, I don’t know what is.
We still don’t know who’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise yet (*looks angrily at Mike Fleiss*), but an Ashley I./Ben H. mashup isn’t totally out of the question. Will Ashley ever find a guy to love her? Will Ben become the new Jared? Will they cry a literal river of tears and then float off together into the sunset? Anything is technically possible when we have literally zero details and all we can do is wildly speculate!
I don’t know, guys. It’s a slow news day. Namaste.