What Happened In Portland Could Happen Anywhere. Here’s What To Know

During a peaceful march on Tuesday evening in New York City, an unmarked Kia minivan pulled up alongside protesters before random men in NYPD T-shirts, khaki shorts, and sneakers jumped out to grab 18-year-old Nikki Stone, dragging her into the van.

The protestors went mad, charging the white van, trying to rescue the girl. One bystander yelling, “What the f— is wrong with you pigs?”

Video of the incident went viral, racking up over a million views.

AOC went off. The New York congresswoman tweeted, “Our civil liberties are on brink. This is not a drill. There is no excuse for snatching women off the street and throwing them into unmarked vans.”

She’s right: Unmarked cars, clandestine arrests, nameless officers—oh, my! 2020 has taken a hard left (or right), and it’s all very sketchy.

Who Had Clandestine Cops On Their 2020 Dystopia Bingo Card?

Clandestine state law dogs and federal tactical teams have been targeting protesters in major cities, seizing people and using force without identification or markings. Portland has taken center stage, as videos of shadow officers striking, grabbing, and gassing citizens have gained national attention.

These covert acts by law enforcement raise a host of issues that impact your constitutional rights—primarily the Fourth Amendment.

The Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and state constitutions says you have the right not to be searched or seized by law enforcement unless they have probable cause to believe you committed a crime. This requires more than a hunch or suspicion. Probable cause is about having articulable facts.

Basically, the Fourth Amendment means five-O needs concrete info to justify ransacking your stuff or hauling you away in handcuffs. Boundaries aren’t just the cornerstone of mature relationships, but also a functioning democracy. (Quote me on that.)

This has been the law for centuries. But even though the agents know the law, they may not always abide by it. Law enforcement is usually backed by the powers that be, so they rarely suffer any consequences for violating your rights.

In his spirited testimony on Tuesday before the House Judiciary Committee, Attorney General William P. Barr (the nation’s top cop) agreed that your Fourth Amendment rights must be protected—but he also made clear that he’s not backing down from sending agents into cities to aggressively police protesters.

You may be seeing more law enforcement soon. In fact, since sending agents into Kansas City and Portland in early July, the Trump Administration announced last week that it was dispatching officers into other major cities, claiming that federal troops are necessary to combat “a shocking explosion of shootings, killings, murders and heinous crimes of violence.” 

Sounds scary, right? Fortunately, criminologists confirm that we shouldn’t be sounding the alarm, as crime isn’t a big issue.

Across the board, crime rates are lower than they were last year. This recent spike in crime is a product of governors lifting the pandemic’s stay-at-home orders—basically inviting people to return to their typical shenanigans, which unfortunately includes crime.

Don’t let the fear-mongering get you. Even though crime isn’t something you should necessarily be concerned about right now, it is imperative to protect your constitutional rights by continuing to protest.

“A lot of people got scared off of joining the march after cops grabbed protestors, but that’s exactly when people should gear up and join in,” says a 30-year-old writer who attended Tuesday’s march in Manhattan. The avid social justice warrior, who prefers to remain unnamed, noted, “You have to operate from a cautious optimism: prepare for the worst but hope for the best.”

Stone likely hoped for the best upon being seized Tuesday by the unmarked officers. After spending the night in police custody, Stone was told that the NYPD arrested her for allegedly destroying surveillance equipment. We’ll have to see how those charges play out in court.

In the meantime, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio indicates that he doesn’t want what happened in Portland to happen in his city, adding, “I think it was the wrong time and the wrong place to effectuate that arrest” of Ms. Stone.

Whether or not you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time, know your rights and continue to unapologetically exercise them. No one needs the final stretch of 2020 to end with dystopia.

Images: Spencer Platt/Getty Images; Naddleez/Twitter

Stormy Daniels Was Arrested In A Strip Club Under Shady Pretenses

Last night in the beautiful flyover state if Ohio, pornographic actress and sexiest member of the resistance, Stormy Daniels was arrested. Performing at a strip club in Columbus, Daniels, was charged with three counts of misdemeanor sex offenses for touching patrons while she performed at Sirens Gentleman’s Club.

Allegedly she placed her breasts on the faces of patrons and fondled a few women patron’s breasts and those patrons turned out to be undercover cops who then arrested her. You know, a typical Wednesday night. I’m not making light of touching people inappropriately but this narc-heavy scenario smells highly of Eau de Setup.

Her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, famous for being hot and good at Twitter and inventing #basta also thinks it’s a setup, so vis-a-vis (wow, already dropping legalese) I am also a lawyer. 

Just rcvd word that my client @StormyDaniels was arrested in Columbus Ohio whole performing the same act she has performed across the nation at nearly a hundred strip clubs. This was a setup & politically motivated. It reeks of desperation. We will fight all bogus charges. #Basta

— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) July 12, 2018

Daniels was released on a $6,054 bail but had to cancel her remaining Columbus shows because of the incident. Honestly, feels like more of a crime to deny innocent Ohioans from a seductive night out on the town but glad these undercover cops are going after the real criminals out there. Keep up the shady work! 

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Harvey Weinstein Was Arrested And No One Is Sad

Get ready to celebrate some good #MeToo news for once, because rancid swamp demon/movie producer Harvey Weinstein finally turned himself into the authorities on Friday morning, and was arrested on charges of rape and sex abuse. That’s right, at least one shitty Hollywood man is going to face actual legal consequences, instead of laying low in Italy for a few months before resurfacing to make some movie about how he’s “grown” and “changed.”

Weinstein kicked off the Me Too movement when The New York Times and other outlets reported last October that he’d spent decades sexually harassing pretty much every actress you’ve ever loved, plus the occasional potted plant. Multiple women alleged that he’d gone beyond creepy massages and unwanted bathrobe-modeling to full-on assault, but for months, it seemed like maybe Weinstein would be able to get away with just having his career canceled while attending sex rehab as half-heartedly as a hungover college student attends a 9 a.m. sociology lecture.

But on Friday morning, women everywhere got some justice as Weinstein perp-walked out of an NYPD precinct in handcuffs. According to The New York Times, he was arrested and arraigned on charges of first-degree rape and third degree rape in one case where the accuser remains anonymous, and on charges of first-degree criminal sex act for allegedly forcing former actress Lucia Evans to perform oral sex on him.

Weinstein will put up $1 million for bail, and will have to wear a monitoring device before his trial. He plans to plead “not guilty” to the charges, and I’m sure approximately 0.00% of women in the world will believe him.

There’s still a ways to go before Weinstein ends up in prison (fingers crossed!), but all in all, Friday’s perp walk was a much-needed first step, especially after fucking Morgan Freeman.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!