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You hear that? That is the New Moon in Aries telling you it’s time to GTFO of your pandemic funk and start taking action. You know the thing you’ve been putting off for an entire year because *gestures broadly at everything* well, now is the time to start making moves. Aries is the start of the astrological new year, and the New Moon is the perfect time to start something, well, new. Or better yet, to take on a new attitude about something you thought you’d already made up your mind about. Like maybe Monday morning meetings could have *some* value.

Aries

Ouch! Is that an old wound? A New Moon in your sign means some unresolved conflict, or even childhood trauma, may come to the surface so that you can finally put it to rest. You can’t accept the New Moon’s powers if old shit is holding you back, so let it go! That man at the mall has probably forgotten all about the time you accidentally called him “dad” in Sam Goody back in 1999.

Taurus

Stop ignoring your intuition, Taurus! With the New Moon in Aries, your intuition is on fire and your gut is primed to point you in the right direction. Your only mission is to not second guess yourself when you feel the urge to do something different for a change. Unless that urge is to swipe right on someone holding a dead fish in their photo. Some things are just non-negotiable.

Gemini

This month’s New Moon will be delivering tons of opportunities straight to your doorstep. Your mission will be to decide which are worth pursuing, and which will need to be returned to sender. Follow your gut instincts, and go with the route that stimulates you the most intellectually. Wouldn’t it be nice to use your brain again after an entire year of Netflix?

Cancer

Look at you, Cancer! Manifesting and sh*t. The other signs are jealous. With the New Moon in Aries, you’re getting exactly the boost you need to send you rocketing directly toward your goals. And the best part? You’re actually going to enjoy it. As long as you don’t let yourself stress over every little thing. (Easier said than done, we know…)

Leo

Class is in session, Leo! This Aries New Moon is all about opening your mind to new ideas, concepts, and ways of doing things. Keep an eye out for unlikely teachers in the form of family, friends, strangers, and even coworkers. As crazy as it may sound, they do occasionally have good ideas, and you might be interested in hearing them. If only to incorporate them into your smarter, better idea, of course.

Virgo

The New Moon is all about bringing what was once in the darkness to light, meaning you might find yourself dealing with some emotions that you’ve been trying to suppress. Grab a tissue, grab a snack, and let it all out. It’s better to let the moon make you sensitive for a few days than to bottle it all up inside. Unless you want to end up the villain in Hulu’s next big true crime series.

Libra

New Moon means new relationships for you, Libra! If you’ve been patiently waiting for your pandemic prince to arrive: good news! Now is the time to actually make that happen. Connections will come easily to you this week, meaning it is the perfect time to post up in the park with your cutest sundress and hope someone hot accidentally throws a frisbee your way. The rest is history.

Scorpio

New Moon, new you! If you weren’t feeling the whole “health and wellness goals” thing back in at the start of the traditional new year, you might feel a sudden desire to learn all about macronutrients as we move into the astrological new year this month. Besides, who actually works out and eats healthy in winter? Seems very suss…

Sagittarius

This month’s New Moon is all about opening your mind to new possibilities. Now is the perfect time to revisit your goals, either for this year or for life in general. Have you been dreaming big enough? Beyoncé didn’t become Beyoncé by settling for being the lead vocalist in one of the most iconic girl groups of the 1990s. That was just a first act.

Capricorn

The New Moon is giving you the reason (and motivation) to get your spring cleaning under way. The New Moon is all about newness (say that five times fast), and nothing makes things seem new-er than when they are clean. Of course, you could also just go out and buy all new sh*t, but that seems kind of expensive and unnecessary. Do you, though!

Aquarius

The New Moon has you standing directly in your power, Aquarius, so now is not the time to hold back. This is a time for speaking your mind and getting what you want, even if you have to ruffle a few feathers. It’s not like you haven’t pissed people off before. And it’s not like you won’t piss them off again…

Pisces

Beware of over-spending, Pisces! The New Moon is making you extra sensitive, and you may try to fill the void with stuff. Unfortunately, as much as we’d like to pretend a giant order of new skin care products from Sephora will fix everything, it actually will not. Save the money and work on yourself instead. It’s free.

Images: Brock Wegner / Unsplash; Giphy

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I regret to inform you the work week is canceled. Not like, legally (boo), but astrologically. This week, Neptune in Pisces is clashing with Mars in Gemini, leaving us all feeling really effing confused. This, plus Neptune’s foggy energy obscuring everything in its path, means that maybe you should pump the breaks on any life-changing decisions this week. Neptune needs your full attention. 

Aries

Good thing they just legalized weed in New York (sorry if you live somewhere lame), because Neptune is making you feel a little stoned out. Use this as a celestial sign to chill out, man. Now is not the time to initiate any tough conversations, or make any big decisions. Now is the time to sit, back, relax, and slowly devour all the snacks in your house. 

Taurus 

Trust no bitch. This week, Neptune is f*cking things up in your house of collaboration, meaning you need to take everything people say with a grain of salt. Does your boss really just wanna hop on a Zoom “real quick” or are you about to be roped into an hour-long strategy meeting that could have been a Slack? Stay vigilant. 

Gemini

Thought you could finally put your life in cruise control? Think again. That messy bitch Neptune is here, and you never know what she might throw in your way. Be on alert this week for dramatic people, toxic behavior, and any other type of sh*t you don’t need in your life. When in doubt, remember the immortal words of Meredith Mark and announce, “I’m disengaging.” 

Cancer 

Not Neptune rolling into your chart to mess with your goals! Neptune’s hazy effect might make you lose sight of what you’ve been working toward, or second guess your path this week. Keep your eyes on the prize, and don’t let that nasty beyotch Neptune let you doubt your shine. She’s just jealous, anyway. 

Leo

Neptune is scrambling your signals and making it harder than ever not to take things personally. Did they text “k” because they are okay with the situation at hand, or did they say “k” because they secretly have an undying hatred for you that can only be expressed in single letter words? Give yourself (and your text friends) a break. We’re still in a pandemic, after all. 

Virgo

Neptune? In your relationship zone? Say it ain’t so! This week Neptune is here to rock the boat at home. Before losing your sh*t on an unsuspecting loved one, ask yourself, “is my partner really breathing louder today, or have I just not had water in eight hours?” The answer may surprise you! 

Libra 

Your attention span this week is approximately the length of one TikTok, as Neptune throws a fog over basically all of your brain functions. Apologies in advance to anyone who was relying on you. Double check your emails for typos, then otherwise phone it in. If your boss asks, say Neptune made you do it. 

Scorpio 

TMI, Scorpio! Neptune is out here distorting how you view the world, and this could result in some serious oversharing. Best to just set all your profiles to private now so you don’t wreak too much havoc on the newsfeed. You can only “accidentally” post a nipple so many times. 

Sagittarius 

Trouble in paradise? Neptune is bringing her textbook drama to your home life, meaning you and your roommate are in danger of reigniting the passive-aggressive Post-it war of 2015. Those were tough times. Don’t let Neptune’s importance obscure what is really important in a home-partner: reliably remembering to pick up good-quality toilet paper from the store. 

Capricorn

The traditional hibernation season may be over, but you’re looking for a couple extra zzzs. Neptune has hit the snooze button on any major plans you had this week. The energy just isn’t there. The vibe, frankly, is not right. Try again next week. 

Aquarius

You see it. You like it. You want it. You got it. This week, Neptune is fogging up the part of your brain that keeps tabs on your credit card bill, meaning you might be in the mood for a bit of a spending spree. I’d say hand your cards over to a responsible party, but you already have that sh*t saved on all your devices, so hopefully you at least remember to do one of those pay-in-four things so you don’t completely deplete your checking. 

Pisces

With Neptune chilling in your sign, it is not likely you will have any clue wtf is going on this week. Just gonna have to fake it ‘til you make it, or until Neptune stops making every work email read like gobblydogook and turning every text into a riddle. Do I want to “hang out” later?!?! What could it mean?!?! 

Images: Stocksy, Giphy

That bitch Mercury is acting up again. No, she’s not in retrograde, but she is teaming up with Jupiter to reduce your filter to, um, zero. Considering how little of a filter you typically have, I don’t think I need to explain how dangerous this can be. Be careful, especially when there’s alcohol involved. I can’t make your decisions for you, but I can tell you what to watch out for, in the form of your weekend horoscopes. Keep reading to find out how many “u up?” texts you’ll be dodging this weekend.

Aries

Time to download another one of those meditation apps (and actually do it this time), because this weekend is all about mindfulness. Live in the f*cking present for once! That means not spending all of Saturday waiting around for a text back. It’s like Gandhi said: “Be the text back that you want to see in the world.” (I think I got that right…)

Taurus

You’re in a glass case of emotion right now, Taurus, and that does not bode well for your friends/significant other/Alexa/any slow walkers who dare cross your path. Be sure to schedule some alone time to chill tf out to avoid any unnecessary public blowups. You don’t wanna become the next viral freakout video. It’s not a good look.

Gemini

You face a classic dilemma this weekend, Gemini. Work or play? Your desire to party your heart out and your desire to become a boss b*tch in your career are clashing hard right now. Set aside a little time for both this weekend. No need to Elle Woods it and completely miss your senior spring to study for the LSAT. We can’t all be that dedicated.

Cancer

Okay Hermione, lookatchu knowing all the answers to things. You’re going to have a Jimmy Neutron-style brain blast this weekend, meaning its probably a good time to actually sit down and do your taxes. Come Monday, all that mental fortitude will be gone and you’ll be back to watching KUWTK re-runs on E! and rewinding every 10 minutes because you missed something.

Leo

Slow your roll, Leo! You might feel in a rush to lock down your next romantic relationship, or to take your current one to the next level, but now is not the time! Instead, why don’t you try *gasp* appreciating what you already have? You might miss these will-they-won’t-they romance days 10 years from now, when your newborn baby pukes on you in public.

Virgo

Are you a Kardashian? Because you’re being hilariously bitchy right now. Take a deep breath. Find your happy place. And for the love of God, please refrain from telling Jess her wedding theme is “tacky as f*ck.” I’ll leave you with the advice I’ve given many signs before you: if you don’t have something nice to say, put it in the group chat.

Libra

People are trying to f*ck with you right now, Libra, but you’ve got to rise above. Channel your inner Michelle Obama and leave the pettiness for lesser betches. While your crew spends Saturday night arguing with some other girls who cut them in line, you can just hang back at the bar and drink all the drinks they left behind. Remember: when they go low, you get drunk.

Scorpio

You’re another sign that’s in danger of popping off this weekend, Scorpio. The world is trying to test you, but you stopped taking tests long ago. Set yourself a challenge to just let sh*t slide this weekend. If its still bothering you on Monday, bring it up. If it’s not, chalk it up to being hangry and move the f*ck on.

Sagittarius

TMI, Sagittarius. You’re in the mood to overshare this weekend, which is fine, but please read the room. Breaking down crying over your inability to make meaningful connections at girls night? Totally acceptable. In fact, encouraged. Losing your sh*t at the company softball game because the ref is triggering your daddy issues? Maybe keep some of that to yourself…

Capricorn

Normally the weekend is for letting loose and cutting back on inhibitions, but your judgement is cloudy as f*ck this weekend, so it’s time to ask for second opinions. You’re just not in the mental space to be responsible for…well…anything right now, so why not call up your most has-their-sh*t-together friend and ask for help? They won’t judge you (too much).

Aquarius

Time to hide your credit card from yourself for at least the next two days. You’re going to be very tempted to splurge this weekend, Aquarius, but you straight-up can’t afford that right now. Taxes need to be paid. Wedding gifts need to be bought. Not to mention that pesky student loan. This is not the weekend to buy rounds of shots for strangers at every bar in a five-mile radius. Sorry.

Pisces

You’re really leaning into being your most Pisces self, aka you’re highly emotional. Schedule some emotion-releasing activities this weekend like a luxurious bubble bath, listening to Adele in a dark room, or rewatching the OC episode where Marissa dies. All guaranteed to help bring on a crying session.

Images: Giphy (12)

Dare I say it but…spring is….here? The sun is out. The birds are chirping. Our collective seasonal depression is slowly but surely melting away, like that last patch of ice that lives in perpetual shadow at the bottom of your staircase, threatening the return of winter at any given moment.

But right now those threats feel empty and spring feels real and this week feels hopeful. Which makes sense—as Venus enters Pisces this week, we’re all going to be riding that springtime high. How will your newfound optimism manifest? Find out in our weekly horoscopes.

Aries

It’s no secret that you’re an active gal, Aries, and why shouldn’t you be? It’s your season, you’re in the prime of your life, and at any given moment you’re operating off enough natural energy to power a nuclear power plant. It’s in your nature to be constantly on the go, which is why you’re going to be incredibly confused by everything you’re feeling this week. The beginning of spring usually means a flurry of activity and non-stop events, but you’re going to find yourself wanting to…slow down? That’s Venus, popping in to kindly ask you to stop and smell the roses. Do it! Lean in to a week of quiet strolls and solo meals and generally acting like you’re on vacation in a small European village.

Taurus

Believe it or not, Taurus, but you are allowed to change your mind. Many times, in fact. That’s kind of what growing up means—learning new information and adjusting your opinions to match it. This doesn’t make you wishy-washy, it makes you an informed adult. You have a very real tendency to stick to your guns, but this week you may realize your guns don’t really fit who you are anymore. That’s okay! Swap out those guns! Also, that was figurative! But if you have literal guns, feel free to drop those too!

Gemini

This week you’re going to find yourself thinking of some big, wild, kind of scary but mostly exhilarating things, Gemini. Typically you’d push these thoughts to the side in favor of sticking to your meticulously crafted plan; you’d file them away under “one day” or “probably never.” Well guess what, bitch? Not today. Let yourself dwell on these ideas, and better yet, maybe even act on them. Venus is going to have you feeling adventurous, and you shouldn’t fight that. There’s a time for playing it safe (aka the rest of your life up until this moment). For the next few days, try being free instead.

Cancer

You’ve been on a one-track course for the past few months, Cancer. You have a goal, you think it’s what you want, and you’re racing toward it without really taking a minute to look around and figure out if it’s what’s right. Just because something was your dream once doesn’t mean it still has to be. If there are other options floating your way, don’t disregard them just because they aren’t what you expected yourself to do. Take some time this week to reassess your priorities. If you’re still on track with your goals, that’s great! But don’t be afraid to go back to the drawing board.

Leo

Things are looking intimate this week, Leo, on all fronts. Be it physical or emotional, you’ve got something to let out over the next couple days, and you should be ready for the rollercoaster that will ensue. You’re not one to shy away from adventure, so why start now? Immerse yourself in all that Venus has to offer, no questions asked. At the very least, it’ll be exhilarating. And at the most? Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself that you have yet to discover.

Virgo

Guess what Venus means, Virgo? Love. But you already knew that, didn’t you? This week is primed for romance, and it’s been slowly moving from the back of your mind to smack dab front and center. Don’t fight it! Take extra time getting ready in the mornings. Try out new coffee shops that you walk by. Smile at strangers. In short, make yourself as open as possible to the idea of meeting someone. That positive energy won’t go to waste, and you might find yourself connecting with people you never expected.

Libra

It’s time to bring back our favorite phase, Libra: Treat. Yo. Self. But instead of binging on your favorite guilty pleasures, think of this as Treat Yo Self: Wellness Edition. Take extra good care of your mind and body this week, and don’t let things like budget or schedules interrupt that process. Luxuriate in extra-long showers with those fancy soaps and scrubs. Buy yourself that candle, even though you have like, four at home and they all smell pretty much the same. Splurge on the overpriced coffee if it’s going to make your morning that much better. Let yourself enjoy things this week, it’s as simple as that.

Scorpio

Feeling yourself, Scorpio? Hell yeah, you are. Venus is here and she wants you to get out there and flaunt your stuff. Never one to turn down an invitation, this week you may find yourself inundated with social requests. Be sure not to spread yourself to thin; rather, pick a few great events to fully commit to. Don’t hesitate to go full glam—this is a week for you to shine.

Sagittarius

Time to throw caution to the wind, Sagittarius. Plotting and planning will only get you so far. Sometimes you just have to take that leap and trust that your preparation did at least some of the job. This week you’ll catch yourself feeling reckless and teetering on the edge of adventure. Well, jump on in there! There’s nothing like a little mayhem to rid yourself of the winter blues. (Disclaimer: please do not catastrophically ruin your life and then blame this horoscope).

Capricorn

The arrival of Venus is going to have you retreating to the comforts of solitude, something you’ve earned after a few weeks of social exertion. There’s nothing like a few days in the comfort of your home, surrounded by the things you love, to refresh the spirit. Don’t hesitate to disconnect from all things social: turn off that phone, silence those notifications, and focus on recharging yourself. After this week you’ll be ready to take on spring, and all the joys it brings with it.

Aquarius

You are no stranger to creature comforts, Aquarius. There’s nothing quite like the sweet satisfaction of a little retail therapy, and this week will remind you of that simple joy. Spring is here, reminding you of all the things you let fall into disrepair over those dreary winter months: your wardrobe, your skin, your general sense of self. Well, this week, don’t be afraid to spend a little money to get yourself back to your back in the swing of things. There’s nothing wrong with shopping in moderation, as long as you know when to rein yourself in. But until you hit that point, get to spending, girl!

Pisces

This week is all about you, Pisces. You’ve spent the last few weeks laying low in favor of others, and it’s time to stop that sh*t ASAP. No one should ever make themselves less in order to appease others, but of all the signs, you should know that nothing good ever comes from dimming your light.  If someone can’t handle you at your full-tilt, emotions-on-high, energy-bursting self, they don’t deserve any part of you. Reclaim your sense of self this week, and surround yourself with the people who will love you for it.

Images: Giphy (12)

This has been a long ass week. You’re tired. You’re inexplicably mad. Your attention spans are short, your patience shorter. Today is just a long-winded countdown to one thing: happy hour. We know this, we understand, and we love you for it. In light of that, we’ve made your weekend horoscopes easier to digest than usual. Who needs a paragraph when 17 syllables can tell you everything you need to know? Brevity is the soul of wit, which is something you’ll probably need to remind at least three coworkers of today when they inevitably try to talk to you about anything work related. Ignore them and read all about what the next two days have in store for you, in haiku form. Namaste, betches.

Aries

Yes, try-hards do suck,

But apathy can be worse.

Try being human.

Taurus

Stubborn as a bull?

Damn straight. Stand your ground, Taurus.

Conviction is hot.

Gemini

You deserve the world.

This weekend is your oyster.

Live it up, sweetie.

Cancer

Drama can be fun

But your life isn’t that hard

Please calm the fuck down.

Leo

Live your truth, Leo.

Tell people how you feel and

See what happens next.

Virgo

It can be hard to

Be honest with yourself but

Don’t live in a lie.

Libra

Vodka. Whiskey. Wine.

The order doesn’t matter.

You deserve to drink them all.

Scorpio

It may not seem it,

But you’re appreciated

More than words can say.

Sagittarius

You have emotions.

Accepting is the first step.

Try expressing them.

Capricorn

A closed door does not

Always mean a dead end. Look

Out for the window.

Aquarius

Hey. Yeah, you. Listen up.

Who do you think you are, bitch?

Stop spending money.

Pisces

You’ve done the hard part.

You know what has to come next.

After that? Freedom.
Images: Noah Buscher / Unsplash; Giphy (6)

In our ongoing efforts to make astrology the most widely accepted religion of 2018, we present to you our new sign season horoscopes. Every month we’ll spotlight the sign of the season and give you a preview of what their four week-long birthday celebration will look like. This month it’s time for the Aries horoscope. Another reason to waste time at work while reading about yourself? The greatest birthday gift of all.

Welcome to Aries horoscope season, friends. It’s that horrifying time from March 21^st to April 19^th where your Aries friends, who are already living their lives at a near-constant all caps, are even more aggressive than usual. It’s a wild and frightening time to be alive.

Not sure if you know an Aries? Here are some telltale signs:

• The friend who has zero qualms about sending your dish back at a restaurant when it’s not quite right. In fact, she’s sending everyone’s dishes back. And she’s asking for a voucher.
• The person in your college group project who took the reins and made sure that all the shitty members actually did their job. Sure, they had to show up at their homes in the middle of the night sometimes, but you got an A, so whatever.
• That co-worker who has zero tolerance for Sonos bullshit. They will boot you from the queue, get your permissions removed, and somehow delete your Spotify account all because you played One Direction, like, ONE TIME when you were hungover.

In short? RIP to the rest of us. Aries, here’s to you. Don’t ever stop being the absolute most—not that you could if you tried.

aries season is coming seek shelter

— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) March 18, 2018

General Overview

Happy Birthday Aries! Your favorite season coincides with the Spring Equinox this year, which means the theme of the Aries horoscope for the next month or so is new beginnings. Blacked out last weekend and embarrassed yourself in front of coworkers? Doesn’t matter. Triple texted some guy on Monday and still got left on read? Clean slate. Ate an entire pint of ice cream last night in an attempt to reconcile your feelings about your fleeting youth and imminent mortality? WHO CARES. FRESH START.

Career

Some minor slip-ups earlier in the year have had you feeling uneasy at work, but they are a thing of the past. The next few weeks will present opportunities for you to prove yourself to both your colleagues and your boss, so it’s time to step up. Start showing up to work 20 minutes earlier than usual to present the façade of someone who has their shit together. Try and keep your style game on point, opting to perhaps style your hair rather than dousing it in dry shampoo and rolling out the door. A little effort goes a long way, and does not go unnoticed by the people who matter.

Love Life

Take full advantage of the fresh start that the nature has gifted you by abandoning every piece of shit guy you’ve been wasting your time on. Let that Aries fire really run wild here. No man, woman, or catfish is safe.

Delete swiping apps off your phone. For real. Clear out the numbers of people you only hit up when you’re drunk and feeling bad about yourself. Cut ties with that one person who’s had a hold on you for months now, to no avail. If it was supposed to happen, it would have happened already. This mini-cleanse will put you in the perfect mindset to open yourself up to meeting new people.

Finances

Sadly, the Aries horoscope has no jurisdiction in the world of banking, which means we can’t declare a clean slate on your bank account. But fear not, the beginning of spring brings with it a newfound sense of responsibility, which means you’re more likely to put some serious thought into what you’re spending money on. Seems counterintuitive to a birthday, but trust me. For the next few weeks, opt for eating in and cutting back when you can so that you can go all in for your birthday weekend without any kind of guilt hangover.

What to Look Out For

While your new mindset and clean slate lifestyle is refreshing, not everyone may hold the same opinion. Be wary of people who try and drag you back to old ways, or worse, insist on reminding you of old mistakes. We’ve all fucked up, we’ve all said stupid things, and we all will continue to do so. Just hold your head high and work on looking forward, and let those people sit and suffer in their past.

Images: Giphy (2)

Welcome back to part two of my own personal hell: The Bachelor season finale. Lol I bet you thought we were done with this shit. NOPE. Thanks to our friends at ABC we’re required to sit through a casual TWO MORE HOURS of this fresh hell known as Arie’s Choice. After watching Becca cry for a solid 45 minutes  last night I think it’s safe to say that I’d rather peel my skin off with a rusty spoon than listen to Arie explain why he decided to dump her for Lauren B on national television, but by all means, ABC, continue wasting my fucking time. You may proceed with After The Final Rose.

Chris Harrison opens up the episode by asking everyone how they slept last night after watching a woman’s heart be torn apart for our viewing pleasure. And honestly Chris, I’ve never slept better knowing that I’ll never come into contact with a greying man who has fabulous hand gestures.  

Becca is literally falling apart on the floor. Meanwhile, Arie rides off into the sunset barely containing his utter glee at not being shackled to her for the rest of his life.  

Awww. Well isn’t this a touching fucking moment? Arie’s listening to Jason give him advice on how best to fuck over a woman. So sweet.

Okay, does Becca realize she can tell those cameras to go fuck off now? Like, why is she letting them come into her house and watch her have an emotional break down?  I mean, unless she’s getting paid to look at old pictures of her ex and cry into her single, empty house, then by all means cash in on your humiliation.

Suspicious AF

WAIT. Why did Lauren just leap into Arie’s arms like that? How many nudes messages did these two exchange since Peru?? This is soooo fucking shady.

ARIE: I’m willing to make it up to Lauren not just today but every day at least a few days longer than with Becca.

So let me get this straight. The two of them reconciled things on New Years Eve aka the standard day for fuckboys to slide into your DMs and ruin your year one last time? Fitting.

Lauren’s like, “Was there ever a point where you felt more of a connection with Becca” and it’s like, you did hear that he actually proposed to her right?

I would love to be a fly on the wall during this off-screen “conversation” they had because this was way too easy for Lauren to just take him back.

Chris brings Baby Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Caroline, and Kendall up on stage and poses the question of if they think it was wrong for ABC to air that breakup footage, which is a little like putting a metaphorical gun to the heads of their future Bachelor spin-off careers but, yes, I’m sure they’ll answer open and honestly here.

Lol Kendall just said she actually liked watching Becca be emotionally eviscerated on national television. But then again she also likes to play with the skins of dead animals, so we can’t always trust that girl’s judgement.

They bring Becca out and she gets a standing fucking ovation even though she’s dressed like she’s headed to my grandma’s disco party back in 1974. She’s definitely only wearing this number because it’s slutty and it’s a strategy that I applaud.

CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think it was wrong for us to air that footage?

BECCA: I want to be the next Bachelorette so… no?

Seriously, Chris, did you expect her to say anything else? I wouldn’t be surprised if ABC is using her very cute Corgi as collateral by holding him hostage until Becca admits that it was okay for ABC to exploit her misery for better ratings. Becca blink once if little Max Kupjoooce is safe, twice if you need me to call the governor of Minnesota.

Also, can we talk about the fact that people are sending Becca money on Venmo because her ex-boyfriend is trash? Like if I had known all it took to get free money was to be publicly humiliated on TV, I would have done it years ago. 

I love that she wants to donate the money though. I mean, I’m sure she’s only saying that because she wants to be the next Bachelorette but I’m still here for it. And ABC shadily being like “well we’ll match whatever you donate.”

Damn. They must really be getting some threats on social media to resort to charity donations. I know that goes against literally everything Mike Fleiss stands for.

OMFG they’re bringing Arie out. THIS. IS. NOT. A. DRILL. Do we think the collective boos coming from the audience would be powerful enough to blow his sorry ass back to Peru? 

BECCA: How did you know you didn’t want to be with me anymore?

ARIE: Well, once I had another girl already lined up. Obviously.

Honestly, there’s not much to say about this Becca/Arie confrontation. Arie is a selfish piece of shit who only looks even the tiniest bit remorseful because he doesn’t want a horde of irate 25-year-olds hopped up on rosé and baggage from their past relationships to key his car in the middle of the night.

Arie, I’ll see you at midnight.

Lol Chris just goes, “And what do you wish for Arie, Becca?” Um that he dies in a horrible, fiery car crash. Obviously.

I have nothing to say about this Jason and Molly interview except if Jason thinks Arie’s about to move out to LA and give up all of his Instagram endorsements to “work on his relationship” then he’s lost his damn mind. How will he make a living without selling laxative tea?? ‘Cause we certainly know it won’t be through real estate anymore. Especially after this shit show.

It’s time to bring out Lauren and I for one can’t wait to see her new switch board modifications. I’ve heard they’re state-of-the-art. Now that she has to pose as a real-live girl for the rest of her life however long she manages to hold Arie’s attention she’ll need to actually show at least a sliver of human emotion to the public.

CHRIS HARRISON: I can’t imagine what’s going through your mind right now.

LAUREN: Neither can I!

ME: I see there’s still a few kinks in the programming…

Also, wtf is Lauren wearing? What is with these girls and lace this season? I mean, clearly she’s trying to distance herself as much as possible from the word “home wrecker” with this number, but still.

Watching Arie and Lauren play footsie in the hot seat is honestly the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in the last five hours I’ve been watching this godforsaken finale. His HANDS are everywhere!

Wait. WAIT. IS HE GOING TO FUCKING PROPOSE TO HER?? While Becca’s stands off camera crying into her former ENGAGED hands?? This is the most insensitive, fucked up thing I’ve ever seen. Like, your ex-girlfriend is still on the premises!

My heart ❤️

A post shared by Arie Luyendyk ???? (@ariejr) on Mar 6, 2018 at 10:17pm PST

Also, does anyone else feel like this is less about romance and more about the fact that Arie just didn’t want to have to pay for his own ring?

Chris tells us that we’re finally going to find out who the new Bachelorette is and it’s like, fucking finally. I’ve only spent a small eternity watching this damn show. And the new Bachelorette is…. Becca! I, mean, I’m pretty sure the public blackmailed ABC into making that decision, but whatever I’ll take it.

Okay, watching all of these girls clamour to touch one inch of Becca’s skin to prolong their fame is excruciating to watch. Tia, stop pretending like you didn’t think it was going to be you!

So much love???? • ???? @paulhebertphoto

A post shared by Tia B (@tiarachel91) on Mar 6, 2018 at 10:14pm PST

Ugh. Does Chris think he’s clever by starting the new season of The Bachelorette right this fucking second? First of all, you pulled this shit last season so don’t act like you just re-invented the After The Final Rose wheel. Second of all, Becca literally just confronted her ex-fiancé, watched said ex-fiancé watch propose to his new girlfriend five minutes later, and now you want her to start dating again? Are you a sociopath?? When a Hinge date ghosts me after four dates I need at least three weeks and a Law & Order SVU marathon to even want to see a guy breathe near me, much less date one again, so I can only image the emotional whiplash Becca must be feeling.

They bring out the first victim dude and he gets more speaking time than the entire cast of The Bachelor Winter Games. While he’s beautiful, I can’t understand a damn word he’s saying. If this is another Nick Viall lisp situation then we have nothing to look forward to people.

Okay, I actually don’t hate the banjo guy. I, mean, the song he’s playing and the jacket he’s wearing are making me want to take 12 Advil and drink until I can’t feel my feet, but his overall intention is cute so I’m here for it.

The fourth guy starts off strong by apologizing for his entire gender. Fine. you can stay.

Sidenote: I love that every single guy is starting off his little speech by telling Becca how brave she is for even leaving her house. Yes, because every girl likes to know that she’s special be treated like a trauma victim.

The last guy just made a dad pun and reminds me of the guy I dated in college who wore chubbys even in the winter so I automatically like him. But if he thinks Becca is getting up on that horse in a dress that has a slit up to her vagina he’s got another thing coming. Like, she’s already been humiliated enough times in the past 24 hours without having her vaginal lips displayed for the viewing audience back home.

And on that note, I’M FUCKING OUT OF HERE. It was a good season, in the sense that Arie has continued to fuel my rage against the opposite sex. Thanks for that, ABC. Anyways, see you betches at the Bachelorette mansion!

Images: Giphy (4); @ariejr /Instagram (1); @tiarachel91 /Instagram (1); ABC (2)