Everything I am (which isn’t much, but let’s not get sidetracked) is a direct product of the 90s. Ah, yes, it was a simpler time then. Nobody questioned the life-size cardboard cutout of Nick Carter at my 9th birthday party, I never had a bad hair day—shouts out to butterfly clips—and I could stalk all my boyfriends with a simple *69 phone call. But the best part? Disney Princess movies. Take me back to the good old days of binge watching The Little Mermaid six consecutive times, taking breaks for water only when absolutely necessary. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the princesses. Maybe it’s because Hollywood was finally sick of torturing us and finally blessed us with the movie we’ve been waiting our whole lives for: a live action Beauty And The Beast. Or maybe Disney’s on my mind because I can’t stop thinking about the princess swimsuit line we were just hit with. I blame lingering daddy issues. Looking past that minor bump in the road, the Disney princesses’ style taught me everything I know about looking hot. I can only hope one day I’ll be hot enough to literally not talk/be asleep for my entire two-hour feature film and have a husband by the end. Preferably someone with royalty in the blood. And a fat inheritance. Also, over six feet. Idk, I’m not picky. Each princess has her strengths, and we know we couldn’t be here without help from all. So let’s celebrate the style lessons we learned from the Disney princesses.
Cinderella, OG betch princess we know and love, stressed the importance of staying home when your outfit is super average. What did Cindy do when all she had to wear were some last season rags? Not go to any balls, no matter how lit, that’s for sure! Her heels were custom-made, which is always a plus. And it’s super betchy that her feet were so small. The best lesson Cinderella taught us? When you’re hot, guys wanna hook up with you. But the trick to keeping it going is to leave something “accidentally” at his place. You mean to tell me that shoe slipped off? Respect.
I wish I looked so peaceful when I slept that people called me Sleeping Beauty, rather than what they actually call me, which is, “Is This Bitch All Right?”. I’ll pass out heavily intoxicated, half-naked, honestly not sure if I’ll see another morning. This bitch def gets a better night sleep than me, clocking in way over the recommended 8 hours. Beauty sleep is everything. That’s why she has no wrinkles. Science, bitch. I also read that she was Corinne’s direct mentor/ultimate inspiration. Two women we could all learn a thing or two from.
3. Snow White
Literally the hottest in the game, as declared by a talking mirror, Snow White definitely didn’t go for a natural look to claim that title. Betch would wear a red lip to breakfast. (Me after any night out.) But her makeup was always on point, proving you can never go wrong with a bold lip and a little blush.
Ariel kept herself in shape, knowing it’s always bikini season. In a fool-proof plan, she lets her bod do the talking and avoids saying something too clingy early on. Or saying something at all. Works like a charm. And you know that bitch wasn’t achieving such perfect hair with just a fucking fork—there had to have been some serious water-protecting serum action going on behind the scenes. Otherwise there’s no way she would have been such a hot ginger. Unlike others. See below.
Pass. Pass. Pass. No. Code Red. Literally. Does Scotland have any mirrors? I’m confused. I need you to deep condition, like, yesterday. Color in your brows and throw some mascara on, girl. Why do you look like an unraveled ball of yarn? Does everyone who plays archery look like this? Can you “play” archery? Tune in next week to find out.
Many say Belle’s gown inspired Beyoncé’s Lemonade. The yellow was a great move for her complexion, take notes. Also, major props to Belle for keeping up her personal appearance even when she was like locked in an old enchanted castle. Goes to show, you should always look good no matter where you are or who you’re being held against your will by. You just might run into, oh I don’t know, let’s say an old bae, or maybe a beast that will actually transform into a hot prince capable of
having sex with marrying you making you rich.
We need to collectively praise Jasmine once again for introducing the world to the crop top and bared midriff look. If my waist was approximately one-half the width of my boyfriend’s arm and my shoulders were more sculpted than Michelle Obama’s, I would want to wear as minimal clothing as possible, too.
Mulan literally threw away everything that made her hot, chopped off her hair and started dressing in her dad’s clothes. This is a no from me. I know, I know, there’s some deeper meaning here about going against society and bucking gender norms and shit, but now is not the time or the place to get into that. Like, this bitch got so upset looking at herself with makeup on that she went and sang a song about it. Like, what? You just got a free makeover and you’re mad about it?! 0 lessons from Mulan, bye.
I’d like to take this time and thank Pocahontas for teaching my young betchy self all about the free spirit look. While many falsely accredit Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for the rise of boho vibes, those people are forgetting it was first our girl Pocahontas who was running around bronzed, barefoot, and in lots of suede/fringe. Can anyone really prove if Coachella would be here today if it weren’t for Pocahontas? Didn’t think so.
Rapunzel teaches betches what many of us who’ve secretly been bleaching our hair have known for years: that having long, blonde hair will give you all the power you could ever want in life. Keep seeing your colorist and keep popping Biotin supplements/Sugar Bear hair gummies like they’re
candy Adderall. Unfortunately, Rapunzel cuts all her hair (and actual magical powers) off in favor of a gross, mousy brown pixie cut “for love” or some shit—demonstrating that while there are plenty of girls who let themselves go the second they enter in a new relationship, you should never be one of those girls.
Channel your inner princess this weekend for maximum hotness. Just as long as we avoid the bathing suits. Never the bathing suits. Still shook.
I would just like to go one day where I don’t want to throat punch someone for sporting the latest dumbass “fashion” trend. But sadly, today is not that day because I just found out that someone
is trying to ruin my life just came out with a Disney princess bikini line.
We’ve already established which bathing suits are best for your summer bod, and trust us, these will not be making the list. Whoever came up with this idea to
personally victimize me capitalize on the Disney Princess trend is going in my personal burn book. Because now this heinous trend is invading a v important aspect of my life: the beach. The beach is a sanctuary, people. Someplace where I can do two very important things: nap and day drink. I need this place so I can forget the fact that we live in a world where people wear flower crowns and drop crotch pants of their own volition. But now, because we can’t have nice things, the beach isn’t even a safe place anymore.
But back to the bikini line. Enchanted Bikinis has taken it upon themselves to create their own line of Disney-themed swimsuits even though no one fucking asked them to. There will be a bikini for each of the major Disney Princesses including Snow White, Belle, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Jasmine, Ariel, and Pocahontas. As if I didn’t have enough of a complex with my summer body, now you want me to squeeze into a bikini that channels my childhood heroes? That’s asking a lot of someone who just spent the last four months binge eating cheese and drinking red wine.
Also, grown women wearing princess costumes at the beach IS NOT OKAY. I mean, I get that we’ve all had that fantasy of being a princess and having Prince Charming come and sweep us off our feet, but like, I left that dream behind after my first jungle-themed frat party. Something about watching a guy shotgun a beer in a leopard print skirt really kills that dream for a girl. Sighs.
My favorite part about this bikini line—if you were to like put a gun to my head, threaten my life, and force me to choose—is probs the mission statement: “…To let the princess in you glow and enchant everyone and everything around, when you wear your Enchanted bikini. We believe that every woman can feel this way without putting on a costume.” Lol k. Let’s just see about this, shall we?
Okay, every girl in this picture is legit wearing a wig to the beach. And that one girl on the end is carrying a braid larger than my body rn. How is this not a costume again? HOW? Seriously. I’ll wait…
Jesus. This girl needs to hi-ho her ass back to the castle because if I see this shit on the beach I’m not sure I can be held responsible for my actions.
It’s like the people at Enchanted Bikinis thought, “have we humiliated the Native American people enough with this false narrative?” and they said, “no, let’s put her in a bikini!”
Tbh I’m surprised they didn’t just use her hair as a substitute for a top. This seems like a brand that would cut corners. Also like a brand that fosters my rage issues.
I think Pocahontas’ face in the saddest group picture ever just about sums up all of my thoughts regarding this bikini line.
The look of someone who’s contemplating how many drinks it will take her to forget that she’s a twentysomething woman wearing a child’s costume in public.
It’s unclear as to how many actual female women will wear such a thing in a public, but then again people sell laxative tea for Instagram followers, so there’s no limit to the amount of desperate shit people will pull. The one thing I know for sure is that Halloween costumes are about to be a whole lot sluttier. People were already wearing bras as tops, so I can only image what my sorority sisters people will be wearing this year now that bikini costumes are a thing. So should I start drinking now to prepare myself or…?
Every so often something so extra comes along that it’s almost hard to even believe such extraness can even exist. The past year alone has given us succulent nails and permanent freckle tattoos for the face. Usually these stupid fads are relegated to the beauty realm, but occasionally they seep into the one thing we love most: food. Remember rainbow bagels, rainbow grilled cheese, and Oreo bagels? Yeah, we tried our best to forget, but our memory-zapping devices had a glitch so we couldn’t quite erase these bastardized hipster foods from our memory. After the shit show that was 2016, we thought we’d seen it all. But nothing could have possibly prepared us for what’s currently sweeping the blogs and Instas of foodies girls with an iPhone everywhere: fucking mermaid toast.
Your first question is probably “wtf is mermaid toast?” and if you’d just slow your roll for a second, we will get to it. But first I’d like to give a shoutout to whichever unhappy, bored white girl thought of this, because this is truly a testament to how far we as a race have come in our basicness. We all thought avocado toast was the be-all and end-all of basic white girl foods, but mermaid toast blows this toast out of the water. Pun intended, because I’m the worst person alive. So the next time someone tries to make fun of you because you ordered avocado toast at brunch, kindly show them this shit and let them know it could be a hell of a lot worse:
Move over rainbow bagels, mermaid toast rules the internet now: https://t.co/RcgomziEdV pic.twitter.com/4kSNF5GX8p
— Eater (@Eater) March 13, 2017
I KNOW. Don’t be fooled; this shit may look pretty, but it sounds gross af. It starts with toast (groundbreaking I know) then is smeared with almond milk cream cheese—because, of fucking course you can’t just use regular cream cheese that comes from a cow—and finally the mermaid part: blue algae powder. That’s right. What you thought was just blue food coloring (because that’s what normal people would do) is actually made from sea plants. Fucking ew. Talk about eating for the Insta, because who in their right mind would eat that for the taste? You’re left with a swirly blue-green piece of toast that’s kind of pretty I guess but also kind of looks like that time I forgot to throw out a tub of Philadelphia five months past the expiration date.
Also, can we fucking stop with the mermaid obsession already? Like, I get it. You wore a mermaid crown to Coachella and Ariel is your fave Disney princess and you live for a beach vaycay and moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty. But none of that shit makes you a mermaid. Sorry, it just doesn’t. But if you want to spend your life thinking you’re half fish, half person, be my fucking guest. Just please stop with the mermaid toast. It’s gross, no one cares, and you look basic af.