Today is a very special day, people! And, no, I’m not just saying that because this morning my barista told me I was “glowing” when, in fact, I looked more like a drowned street rat who had just crawled its way out of the subway. No, today is Arie Luyendyk Jr’s birthday! For those of you who aren’t familiar with who Arie is, congratulations
on the full and happy life you’re living you’re not better than me. If you’ll recall, Arie was the down-on-his-luck runner-up from Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette who landed his own season of The Bachelor last year. And by “down on his luck” I mean clearly dating someone right before he was chosen to be the Bachelor. But, hey, everybody deserves a second chance at love! And since I can’t burn ABC studios to the ground for their choice in Bachelors like I’d like to, I guess I’ll just have to settle for roasting tf out of Arie for his bday. So here’s a little tribute to the guy who disgusts me so much that I’m happy to never interact with the male species again spend my Friday nights heating up mac n cheese for one. Happy birthday, Arie!
When He Dubbed Himself “The Kissing Bandit”
Boy, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall during this marketing meeting. ABC casually asks Arie what his best traits are, and the best thing he can come up with is using the right amount of tongue. You’ve got a real winner on your hands, Mike Fleiss! So basically we knew Arie’s season of The Bachelor would be more disappointing than my Hinge matches when the first teaser they released of the season involved their bachelor dressed like the Hamburglar and suggestively puckering his lips at the camera. I think a yeast infection might be sexier than watching that on my TV screen, but to each their own.
When He Thought He Had Dance Moves
There’s literally nothing that could dry me up faster than watching this dude figure out how to do the cupid shuffle during the commercial breaks of How To Get Away With Murder, and yet, here we f*cking are. Look, I know ABC had a real uphill battle trying to make a man who’s old enough to be the adoptive father of several of the female contests *cough* Baby Bekah *cough, cough* seem like a genuine catch and not just the catch on To Catch A Predator, but MY GOD ABC this was not the way to do it.
When He Made The Women On His Season Drink Pee
It was a dark day in history when we watched beautiful, successful grown-ass women willingly down what they thought was urine like free shots of tequila so a man ON A DATE WITH TWELVE OTHER WOMEN might kind of like them. Ladies, we did not march for this!
When He Stuck His Entire Fist Through Bekah M’s Hoop
I don’t even have anything to say here other than that watching Arie capitalize off of Bekah’s daddy issues by thrusting one feminine hand through her hoop earring on live television, is the reason I deleted all my dating apps for a week. Just saying.
When His Ideal Woman Turned Out To Be A Robot
Every year ABC feeds us a lot of bullsh*t about how the man they’ve picked to be the Bachelor is the cream of the crop: a hot, stand-up dude looking for a smart, driven, beautiful woman to spend forever with. Now, I’m not saying that Arie didn’t choose a great girl, but I’m also not not saying that that great girl wasn’t forged in a lab by ABC interns who googled “perfect lady traits” and came up with Lauren B. I guess things worked out for them, though, because they’re getting married this January in a private ceremony. And by “private” I mean 100 of their closest friends, family, ABC producers, and every major media outlet whose DMs Arie was able to slide into (not us, because we got blocked). But, you know, ever happiness to you both!
When He Filmed His Breakup On Live Television
Remember when Arie chose Becca and promised to choose her everyday for the rest of their lives together? And then the rest of their lives together was like three more days before he dumped her on a romantic getaway and filmed it? Ah, yes,
good times let’s burn his house to the ground.
So I guess what I’m saying here is happy birthday to everyone but Arie Luyendyk Jr. I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue! Bye!
IMAGES: ABC (2); Giphy (2)
The Bachelor may be over, but the drama is only just beginning. Now Arie and Lauren have to defend their relationship while the world—okay, America, it really isn’t that deep—watches, and while Becca becomes the most sympathetic person in recent reality TV history. But should “the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history” really be that surprising? It isn’t for those who actually know Arie Luyendyk Jr. Before the season started, we sat down with Sydney Stempfley, Arie’s last ex before he became the Bachelor. After the shocking ending, we spoke to her again to get her thoughts on Arie’s proposal, the breakup, and whether we’ll see her on reality TV.
How do you feel like your life has changed since The Bachelor news coming out and the past season?
It’s definitely changed my life. It was hard to get away from talking about The Bachelor the entire time that it was on, so now that it’s finally over I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Right, because you didn’t choose to be in the spotlight this way—you just happened to date someone who eventually became the Bachelor.
Right, it was definitely not easy. I went through all the emotions, but now I’m finally in a place where I’m at peace with it all and I’m just happy being alone finally and just figuring out who I am in Scottsdale alone.
So you’re not seeing anyone?
I’m not. I’ve gone on dates but I’m not pursuing anyone.
Did you watch the past season of The Bachelor?
I watched some episodes, I would say I watched probably half of the season in no specific order—some weeks I did, some weeks I didn’t… I watched the finales though.
You basically predicted that this was going to happen. You tweeted something like, “Arie would be a great Bachelor until he has to pick just one.”
Right. It is very crazy and I am not one usually to get on Twitter. I randomly got on Twitter and tweeted that out, so for it to have gone so viral is crazy to me. I think it’s been seen by over a million people.
I hate to say I told you so butttt… https://t.co/qe5vAdwybV
— Sydney Stempfley (@sydneystempfley) March 6, 2018
What was your thought process when you were tweeting that?
Well first of all, I was drinking that day and I didn’t really think that it would ever be seen because I probably only had a couple followers at that point, so I was just putting it out there randomly. And I really had no reason, I just saw his name being tossed around on Twitter and I was like, exactly what I said: the show would be perfect for him up until it comes to choosing just one. He’s never had his focus on one girl.
How do you feel now given the whole proposal fiasco?
I can’t say that I’m surprised by it. I quite frankly don’t care what happens at this point. He’s gonna do what he wants to do, and good luck to both of them. I do feel for Becca, though. I’m actually shocked that he would agree to televise . I’m sure producers wanted it televised, but he could have said no. I don’t think he was forced to have it televised. So I think that was wrong on his end.
At least the good thing that came of it was Becca got to be the Bachelorette.
I said once before—she’s just another naive midwest girl.
Do you have any other thoughts about the ending?
Him and Lauren kept discussing and bringing up their undeniable chemistry and their magnetic attraction to each other, and I just didn’t get it. I know that there was a lack of communication on her end for sure, but I just didn’t feel it. And then when Chris Harrison put her on the spot on After The Final Rose and said, “why do you love Arie?” she kind of gave a very generic answer. So it makes me wonder.
We called her a robot throughout the season because she seemed so emotionless.
The one that I was dying laughing was you guys compared her personality to beige carpet. I was losing it.
One other thing that we talked about a lot was Arie’s hand gestures and how lots of people thought they were weird.
I guess I’ve never noticed that in person. And I did notice that a lot of people commented on the fact that they thought he was gay or whatever but I feel like it’s just… He’s very tall and lanky. I know he’s not gay. But I think it could be the European in him. Like, they sit with their legs more crossed than spread out, his dad does it too, and they just have some different things about them. It was very awkward to watch at times.
I’m sure it’s hard to have cameras on your every move, though.
Yes, and I think he was very aware that they were there. And I think he was trying to say and do the right things and be very suave. But it was not working for him.
I do feel like afterwards he had a good sense of humor, he kind of poked fun of himself after the fact.
Yes, and I think that on Twitter that is more so his personality, I don’t think show showed his personality. So I think that worked against him also, but I do think that it was pretty bland of a season.
Do you think people really apply to be on The Bachelor to fall in love?
I think it can go both ways. I think that the girls take it more seriously than the guys. Just like looking at all the Bachelorettes that are still with their fiancés, they’re doing it to fall in love more so than the guys. But I think that regardless, there is some sort of benefit , whether it be endorsement deals on Instagram or just being a part of Bachelor Nation, being an alumni and meeting the other Bachelors.
How do you feel about The Bachelor and reality TV in general, do you still think you’ll watch or are you over it?
I feel like I’ve kind of faded out over the past couple years anyway, I used to watch every episode of every season—but I also haven’t had a DVR, so that could be a reason why I haven’t watched every episode. So I think that I’ll still watch it when it’s on, but I’m just glad that I don’t have to see him anymore.
I’m sure all of America can agree. We’re all just so over it.
Do you feel like you’ve gotten your fill of the entertainment world?
For myself, yeah. I don’t think I’ll be applying for the show next season, I was really just doing that almost out of spite for Arie for breaking up with me and not really giving me a reason so I was just like, ‘I think I’ll try this and see how far it gets me.’ But yeah, I am just focused on myself and whoever comes my way.
Well, betches, I for one am glad this Saltine cracker of a season is over and I will never have to type out “Luyendyk” ever again… until Arie and Lauren break up. Until next season.
Unless you were like, living your own life this week, you should know that Arie Luyendyk Jr. officially established himself as the most abominable Bachelor of all time. Hand over that crown, Juan Pablo. Arie brought cameras with him to dump America’s newly minted sweetheart and then wouldn’t leave her alone when she told him to GTFO of her sight, continuing to prove his inability to express the bare minimum of human decency. After dumping Becca, Arie drove right to Lauren B’s house where she emerged perfectly preserved from her Barbie doll box without a hair out of place to greet her dream guy.
Needless to say, people were pissed. All of America, if you believe my favorite shady bitch Chris Harrison. They felt for Becca, who
signed up for this was so cruelly dumped on national TV. Something had to be done. Arie doesn’t deserve to be happy. Arie has to pay.
So fans decided to show Becca some support. Vulture reports that someone paid for 17 anti-Arie billboards blasting the shit out of him—12 in Minnesota, 4 in LA, and one in Times Square. This is making me slightly tempted into going to Times Square, but also I really don’t feel like being groped by Elmo today. I’ll just stick to being groped by the businessmen in Midtown, thanks. Sorry Becks.
In an effort to save you all from Elmo’s grabby hands, here’s what some of the billboards look like:
Following @KateAurthur‘s scoop about the anti-@ariejr billboards, I contacted Outfront Media — which owns the billboards — and got a little more info: There are 12 in Minnesota, four in LA, and one is going up in Times Square tonight. The company won’t disclose the cost. pic.twitter.com/2o1kxbTV6k
— Amy Kaufman (@AmyKinLA) March 6, 2018
FYI this tweet is from Amy Kaufman, author of the new book Bachelor Nation, which you can enter to win a copy of here. Not all heroes wear capes, folks.
I’m completely behind this public flogging of Arie, but it does make me wonder who is watching The Bachelor? Because I just watched Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and once I was able to wipe away my tears and see through the puffy slits I used to call eyes, I realized damn, billboards are expensive. And that was in MISSOURI, where I’m pretty sure you can put a down payment on a house with a pack of gum. So again, I ask you, who is watching The Bachelor? Jeff Bezos, was this you? Bill Gates, are you very invested in the love life of a tall brunette from the midwest? Frances McDormand, are you campaigning for a sequel? There is no other explanation for these anti-Arie billboards.
But guys, it is 2018. Could we not have just bought the domain name ArieSucks.com to achieve the same effect? If there are any rich readers out there want to fund that, hit me up. I’m happy to write the content.
Happy Bachelor Monday, fam. We’re back to talking about the one TV franchise that literally takes up more time than football season and March Madness combined. (Don’t fight me on that. You don’t stalk the players’ Instagrams in between games.) If you follow Krystal on social media, you’ve probably noticed she’s even more *Krystal* online than she was on the show. Like, IDK what bothers me more—the fact that she straight-up said the phrase “needle dick” or that she goes by @coachkrystal_ on social media. I’m so concerned. Anyway, whether you refer to Krystal as the most annoying voice in Bachelor history or the girl on a mission to find
brand endorsements true love, you can’t deny her body looks amazing. So, I decided to try her “beach workout” myself. I found it on her Instagram, obviously.
Unfortunately, my “beach workout” was done in the gym because I live in New York, but I feel like I still got the gist of it. Here’s how it went:
¼ Mile Run
Coach Krystal (cringing as I type that) claims this workout is her “FAVORITE way” to beat stress, but honestly running sucks, and in my opinion it’s pretty stressful. Like, I feel personally victimized by the incline setting on the treadmill. Plus, I could think of a couple other ways to chill out
like smoke weed, but running works I guess. I was totally dreading the run portion of the workout, but then I got on the treadmill and like, reached ¼ mile before I even made it through one song. I was confused. Is this a typo? Why would anyone only run ¼ mile? Could I actually get fit running for less time than it takes me to brush my teeth? Okay, moving on.
10 Step Ups (Each Leg)
I used a bench at the gym for this one, and I even held dumbbells in my hands to make it a bit harder. Like, stepping up on a bench 10 times is pretty basic, so I figured the added weight could make it more interesting. Am I already more qualified to be a “coach” than Krystal? Honestly, these aren’t terrible, so I’m going to tentatively say yes. I definitely felt the burn in my glutes and quads, and I’d definitely recommend adding the weights. But obviously no shade to Krystal’s version…
10 Tricep Dips
These ones are tough. Tricep dips are extra tricky because you’re not actually using any added weight, but you’re also low-key using your entire body weight at the same time. You’re basically holding onto a bench behind you while facing the other direction, and then straightening and bending your arms to bring your body up and down with your triceps. Krystal does these with her legs straight, but you can also keep them bent to make it a bit easier. It’s more important that you’re getting full range of motion with the dipping part of the movement.
10 Leg Raises
Leg raises are always a good lower ab exercise. I’m a fan. Doing only 10 sounds easy, but it’s important to do these slowly to really engage your core and feel the burn in the lower part of your abs. The idea is to lie flat with your legs out in front of you, and then raise them up and down while keeping your back flat and your core tight. Krystal does these with her hands behind her head, but if you feel any lower back pain, I suggest keeping your hands under your lower back area.
10 Toe Touches
Another good one—more focused on the upper abs. Staying in the same position as your leg raises, keep your legs in the air, as straight as possible, and then try to touch your feet or toes, bringing your shoulders off the ground with your core. Also, a lot of people do weird shit with their neck here, but try to keep it as neutral as possible and really just use your abs to lift. These should be done faster than the leg raises, so 10 of them should go by pretty fast. Thanks, Krystal.
20 Bicycle Crunches
This is a good burnout move, and it’s also for your abs. No wonder this girl has a six-pack. Put your hands behind your head, then bring your knees in towards your chest and lift your shoulder blades off the ground, touching your elbow to the opposite knee in every rep. Bicycle crunches are usually done too fast, but it’s really not a race. It’s more important that you’re crunching with your abs instead of just hitting your elbow to your knee without using your core. Don’t cheat yourself. Think about the “shoulder to knee” cue instead of elbow. You should feel this in your obliques and your upper abs, and honestly it should be hard.
I didn’t mind this workout, but I probably wouldn’t do it again. Krystal suggests doing 3-5 rounds, and, honestly, I only did two rounds before I got bored. Plus, people were starting to think I didn’t know how to work a treadmill because I was only on it for, like, a minute at a time. On the plus side, I definitely broke a sweat, and felt like it was a pretty sufficient full body routine. I wasn’t sore the next day, but it was a solid workout and I’d recommend you trying it out for yourself. And if you actually do five rounds, you deserve a glass of wine.
Images: Krystal Nielson, Instagram; Giphy (4).
It’s been over 48 since Arie announced which women will
bring dishonor to their families take him home to meet their families and I already have, like, a lot of feelings about this. First, I’m sad to say that Bekah M, professional nanny and reason I have an entire Pinterest board devoted to pixie hair cuts, was cut last episode, which means we won’t be meeting her mother aka the woman behind the infamous missing persons report. I’ve honestly not been this disappointed since they announced Arie as the next Bachelor. That said, Tia, Kendall, Lauren B, and Becca K all made it to hometowns next week and I’m thinking some shit will go down. Let’s take a look at the ladies still left standing, shall we? We’ve got Raven 2.0 Tia, a girl whose first impression involved a tiny wiener. Then there’s Kendall, who likes to stuff dead things for fun; Lauren B, who has the personality of a stuffed dead thing; and, finally, Becca K, who for all intents and purposes appears normal (I assume until this very episode proves otherwise). I’ve done the research a deep dive into the catacombs of their social media platforms and I’m pretty sure I know exactly what skeletons these bitches have hiding in their (middle school) closets. So here’s all the shit that’s definitely going to happen during The Bachelor hometown visits.
1. Raven Gets A Cameo
If there’s one thing I know and trust in this world is that the limit does not exist as to how many times ABC will pimp out a franchise-favorite contestant just for ratings. In fact, I would bet my brunch reservations that we’ll be seeing Raven “The Bachelor Gave Me My First Orgasm” Gates next episode. If you’ll recall, Raven and Tia go way back in the sense that they are the only two girls in that godforsaken Arkansas town trying to
find love make it big as Instagram models. Raven will most certainly make a brief appearance, if only to lecture Tia on “following your heart” and “trusting the process”, to which I will be here to savagely bring that bitch back to earth when I tell her that by “process” she must mean Wells’ cocktails. Please.
Never forget where you come from, Raven.
2. Kendall Shows Arie Her Red Room Of Pain
I don’t know about y’all, but I for one am fucking psyched to see Kendall introduce Arie to her
house of horrors family. I actually really like Kendall. Sure she’s weird, but she seems genuine, even if some of that genuineness involves stuffing dead things for funsies. Whatever, nobody’s perfect. The promo for next week’s episode indicated that Kendall is about to really lean the fuck in to her weirdness by showing Arie her Red Room of Pain aka the place where she keeps all of her literal stuffed animals. Let’s just hope we also get a glimpse at the room where she keeps the heads of her ex-boyfriends, because I’ve been waiting for that reveal since day one when they introduced Kendall as a “taxidermy enthusiast.”
3. There’s Going To Be Dogs Everywhere
For those of you who are about to be like “who cares” to my prediction that dogs are about to be every-fucking-where this episode, I’d just like to say that you can go shave your back now. Thx. All of the final four girls refer to themselves as “dog moms” on Instagram except for Kendall, which is suspicious AF. Perhaps it’s best we don’t question that one too much. We’ll definitely be seeing some pooches on Bachelor hometown dates, but here’s hoping that at least one of the dates has to have an in-depth discussion
about their future as to why their dog doesn’t like Arie. It’s the least I ask for, ABC. If I don’t see some meat seat Cheaper By The Dozen antics, I will not be pleased!
4. At Least One Father Will Try To Kick Arie’s Ass
In every Bachelor hometown episode there’s at least one father/brother/overprotective neighbor who isn’t happy about the fact that his favorite daughter/sister/girl-next-door obsession is
acting out her latent daddy issues dating a man a decade older than her who is also casually dating three other women. Can men just ever let a girl live?? My money is on a member of Tia or Kendall’s family losing their shit since Arie seems to be the least into these two, and he’s about as good as faking his feelings as I am at faking enthusiasm about being pulled into a five-person-plus group chat. All I have to say is, if that fight goes anything like Arie’s wrestling match with Kenny, then it will be a bloodbath. *crosses every finger and toe*
5. Lauren B Finally Reveals Her True Personality
I have a lot of theories about Lauren B and where tf she got the personality of low-fat yogurt from. Most of these theories revolve around the fact that I’m convinced she is an anatomically forged robot human, and we can’t tell the difference because she looks and acts just like every other hot blonde Lauren in the world. Now, this theory could have been influenced by my recent binge watch of the entire first season of Westworld, but it also definitely has to do with the fact that I have not seen this girl show a sliver of emotion in the seven episodes I’ve suffered through. It’s really either/or at this point. If she’s not a robot then she 100 percent comes from the most boring family on planet Earth. I’m already mentally preparing myself to sit through a Bachelor hometown date that’s about as thrilling as my last dentist appointment.
^^ Lauren B’s face when she is happy, sad, angry, outed as human fembot
Hometowns are about to be so lit. Until next week, betches!
Images: Giphy (3); @bkoof /Instagram (1); ABC (1)
In this week’s exciting episode, the girls are jetted off to Paris for a week of urine-soaked streets, possible pick-pockets, and line dancing at the world’s most famous strip club. Europe is so magical. Speaking of magical, I’m taking over The Bachelor recap this week since the betch that usually writes them is like, probably also in Europe I assume. I mean, where else does anyone go these days?
Scary hands-having Bachelor Arie entertained us even more this week with his deep downward spiral into actually becoming one of the women. At least he didn’t cry this week … that we saw.
The girls take in all the sights and sounds of the city, talking about the ZEN/SIN river (American education—I see you), gondola rides (send help), and the majestic hotel boat providing by Uniworld which I’ve literally never fucking heard of.
Out of nowhere, Chris Harrison shows up to appear disinterested offer super helpful advice to Arie while they both say the words JOURNEY and AMAZING as much as possible. Where will Chris spend the next week? Does he jet down to Nice for a nude beach adventure? Is he hanging out with Quasimodo at Notre Dame? Is he busy getting shithoused in Bordeaux? The world needs to fucking know.
We switch back to the girls sitting around admiring Krystal’s Grease-inspired outfit just as Lauren B. gets picked for a super exciting Euro date.
One-On-One With Lauren B
Lauren B, human wallpaper, is whisked away on a boat and meandering tourist date with world’s most feminine man Arie for what feels like a full 24 hour kidnapping. While I was only slightly interested in the riveting conversation literal silence and comments on wheels of cheese going on, I couldn’t help but notice THE HICKEY ON ARIE’S NECK. DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
After traipsing through the city and not getting mugged, the happy couple heads to a quaint dinner. It starts out pretty much in the same vein as the rest of the date:
ARIE: Let’s toast to a silent date—it was so perfect
LAUREN B: Cheers omg
ARIE: This Champagne is so good
LAUREN B: This is amazing
ARIE: It was so busy today. Paris was insanely busy.
LAUREN B: I was so scared.
ARIE: I could see you were scared. It’s k.
LAUREN B: Thanks for saying that.
ARIE: No pressure
LAUREN B: Mmmkay.
Lauren B proceeds to tell Arie how hard it is to open up to him which is, like, slightly understandable considering she’s known him for about four hours. Out of NOWHERE, Arie lays his balls on the table and talks about his baby mama which NO ONE knew he had and how said baby mama proceeded to have a miscarriage. This was some heavy shit. “I totally get your trust issues since MY BABY DIED.”
Lauren B tries to one-up Arie’s dead baby story with a broken engagement story but, understandably, falls a little short. She still gets the rose tho, because we can’t all have dead children stories to lay on the line.
Group Date At The Moulin Rouge
Surprise, it’s group date time, and the producers at ABC decide to take the girls and Arie to the not-at-all sketchy area of Montmartre where the Moulin Rouge is. The girls proceed to literally shit themselves and offer up some real gems of quotes:
GIRL 1: Wait is it really the Moulin Rouge
GIRL 2: OMGGGGG HOLY SHITTTTTT
GIRL 3: This is SO amazing, omg, this is the best thing to happen to me (v sad)
Thus commences roughly five to 10 minutes of screaming. Is it that exciting? I almost got mugged here. The girls and Arie then meet Miss Janet, the madam—err, head stage lady at the Moulin Rouge. Miss Janet’s accent is notably not French. Is it Australian? German? British? Who IS SHE?
The girls proceed to attempt to learn a v complicated stripper routine and Seinne, apparently a dancer, fucking slaaaaaays. Tia fumbles through, which surprises literally no one. Arie looks on, assessing, judging, being creepy.
Once the outfits are on, Arie definitely picks the girl he feels dances best looks best in a thong, to be revealed later. Seinne totally fucks up despite her glam outfit. WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU, SEINNE! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!
The girls go upstairs for a cocktail date to quell the fears of watching one of their own dance nearly naked in front of hundreds of strangers at the world’s most famous strip club. Arie gets some great one-on-one time with Tia while he strokes her leg with his really odd hands and then skips right to Bekah M for a discussion about being cute and how jealousy is a real human emotion. Bekah’s lashes really distract me during this time, since they remind me of spiders and I really don’t like spiders.
After staring into Bekah’s spider eyes, Arie spends some time with Seinne, during which she says something French and then gets uncomfortably tongue-kissed by Arie. 10 points to Gryffindor.
Despite the French talking and Tia’s leg strokes, Arie predictably gives the rose to ol’ spider lashes—Bekah M. Flash forward to all the girls now forced to sit in the Moulin Rouge with a bunch of horny old French men and watch Bekah and Arie make out on stage. Anyone else think Bekah really pulled off that blonde wig? No? Just me? K.
Kendall And Krystal: The Two-On-One
After listening to Krystal horrifyingly declare herself wife material, it’s time for the two-on-one date with Krystal and Kendall. “This is going to be a very weird day”—Kendall says what everyone is thinking.
Krystal shows up in an outfit she definitely would have found in her dad’s country club attire wardrobe if her whole family didn’t live in a bowling alley.
Arie proceeds to stunningly illustrate the wonders of an old Chateau with his ironclad grasp of art, literature, and history: “I love these old oil paintings.”
Whichever producer thought it would be hilarious to dump two semi-dumb blondes into a maze and watch how fast they can find cheese love, I applaud you. Is the maze a metaphor? For love? For journeys and paid endorsements in the name of love? For how lost Arie feels? Krystal quickly wins—likely because she’s a terrible person and cheated—but also because Kendall isn’t very good at puzzles.
No one seems to win anything after being put through the maze, which is disappointing. Arie proceeds to steal Krystal away for a quick chat about how krazy she actually is. She proceeds to enlighten him with Instagram inspirational quotes and wisdom:
KRYSTAL: I’m so sorry I didn’t come talk to you and I don’t wanna throw away ALL THE COLOR AND TEXTURE AND DEPTH OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
They then make up, make out, and make us all uncomfortable with a lot of strange hand placement.
Krystal then proceeds to throw Kendall under the bus by telling Arie she’s not ready for marriage, which feels weird coming from a woman who doesn’t feel human emotions.
Now it’s Kendall’s turn in the woods with Arie, which is a sentence I really never wanted to type. Real talk—this girl is very normal and down-to-earth for someone who stuffs and travels with dead animals on the reg. Basic bitch and backstabber Arie proceeds to recount his convo with Krystal to Kendall, probably hoping they’ll have a topless French mud fight for his amusement. Kendall is shooketh. She returns to the lounging area and confronts Krystal about her shit-talking in a v mature way. Krystal is on the defensive and takes a page from Becca’s playbook, asking Kendall why she’s even here.
OH NO SHE DIDN’T.
Kendall spits some truth: “Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t mean you win; it means you hurt somebody.” Kendall’s mind-fucking abilities become legendary at this exact moment, and Krystal begins sparking from the ears and bursts into flames.
Arie comes back from his forest adventure and decides that, well, he can’t decide which girl to keep, so he FUCKING LEAVES THEM BOTH THERE TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH. In reality he just tells them to meet him for dinner so they can arm wrestle for his love in a nice restaurant, but we all would have rather seen the other thing.
Everyone arrives at a very nice restaurant with a v nice view of the Eiffel Tower. Krystal took some Xanax time to think about her response and stone-faced Kendall isn’t here for her shit.
KENDALL: You can’t connect with people
KRYSTAL: Yes I can
KENDALL: I really don’t think you know how
KRYSTAL: YES I CAN
KENDALL: Sounds good
Arie arrives, right on schedule, and Krystal proceeds to blatantly lie about what she and Kendall have been discussing. “It’s so magical and worth it to be here *BABY PORN SIGH*”. Kendall doesn’t validate any of the bullshit coming from Krystal’s mouth, which just adds to her appeal at this point.
Arie’s spidey senses are tingling, and he takes Kendall back to chat. WE NEVER SEE THIS CHAT. WHAT HAPPENED. WE DEMAND ANSWERS. RELEASE THE TAPES.
Suddenly they return to world’s saddest restaurant, where Arie proceeds to PICK KENDALL.
The happy couple then leave Krazy Krystal alone with the Eiffel Tower and dessert. As the girls watch Krystal’s suitcase rolled away, they pop Champagne.
KRYSTAL: I am floored. I am just floored. I’m so confused … I just felt like, abandoned … does he really want a strong confident woman? I was weak and I’m NEVER WEAK.
Poor Krystal just wants to be loved. We watch her cry and talk about weakness while Arie and Kendall make out, sad music swells, and she stares out a window, longingly.
The One-On-One With Jacqueline
Somehow, Jacqueline—let’s call her Jackie cause I don’t feel like typing Jacqueline—gets a one-on-one date and ABC is CLEARLY wanting every drunk white woman in America to think she’s going home. Arie shows up to get her in a clearly too-good-for-him car which he proceeds to break and pretend to fix.
ARIE: There’s like, an air pressure thing-a-ma-doodle I have to fix
JACKIE: I love when men know things about things and do things about things.
This whole exchange moderately distracts from the fact that Jackie literally just made a comparison between their date and shooting a pony. I worry about her.
As they wander away from the car, leaving it to be poached by Parisian car bandits, Arie takes a page out of the Becca K. playbook and Pretty Woman’s the shit out of Jackie, but like, with more Champagne and less actual shopping. Jackie proceeds to overplay her confidence card and ends up looking drunk, sad, and desperate, so I identify with her a lot more now.
They wander up to a very dark and scary restaurant which, I don’t understand why it’s so scary and dark in the middle of the day? Anyway, Jackie immediately launches into her insecurities, which is a rookie fucking move. She accuses Arie of not being that excited about her, and that he’s really just fascinated by the fact that she knows three or more syllable words and doesn’t need an Instagram endorsement to make money. Arie adds fuel to the fire by telling Jackie he does think she’s too smart for him (honestly, not a high bar to begin with) and then gives her the old “I don’t want to hold you back” speech. America collectively readies itself to wave au revoir to bird-face Jackie.
BUT IN A DRAMATIC TWIST Arie keeps Jackie around, probably so that he can a) say he dated a smart girl and b) kick her off next week.
“I don’t see your ambitions and dreams as a hindrance” —OH THANK YOU ARIE YOU ARE SO KIND LET ME MAKE YOU A SANDWICH.
The Rose Ceremony
Where the fuck is Arie staying? What a sad hotel compared to the clearly superior accommodations provided by Uniworld U boat river lines. The girls file into a strange museum/art space that feels off-putting in a way I can’t quite put my finger on. Further adding to my and America’s confusion is Tia’s figure skating/stripper combination jumpsuit that really looks like it came from a boutique in Arkansas. Someone help this girl.
Arie shows up and proceeds to give a very cliché speech about Paris being the city of love but that he has to kick some bitches off tonight. I may have been drunk during this part. Tia’s pantsuit clearly charms Arie and she, Becca K., and Seinne get roses. Sadly, single mommy and sob-story-teller Chelsea and Jenna Eyebrows get kicked off. Real talk—I def thought Chelsea’s sad story and one-on-one would secure her another week, but I guess I was wrong.
Jenna proceeds to really, and I mean REALLY ugly cry and slobber all over herself. Chelsea borderline keeps it together and probs cements her spot on the next Bachelor spin-off show.
Tuscany is next on Arie’s adventure tour, BUT BEFORE THE END, we catch a glimpse of Lauren B totally shit talking Jackie and everyone else regarding how not easy this journey is. Will she turn on the girls, go full Misery and sequester Arie in a hotel room alone, break his legs, and forbid him from ever leaving her? Stay tuned.
Images: ABC (5); Giphy (8)
The producers over at The Bachelor have been shaking things up this season ever since they selected
a literal retiree Arie to be their next Bachelor and decided to pair him up with someone who just stopped using her fake I.D., like, yesterday. Just a casual reminder that I’m talking about Bekah M. here, who is literally more age-appropriate to be Arie’s adoptive daughter than life partner, but whatever. Bekah M.’s age isn’t the only thing making waves this season. People are also losing their shit over her because her hair, like my patience every time Arie tries to feel her up during a rose ceremony, is short AF. Let that sink in, people. A woman with short hair is actually sexually appealing to one of the most eligible Flat Tummy Tea sponsors bachelors in America. This is what we marched for!! Tbh the pixie cut actually isn’t Bekak M’s craziest haircut and I know this because I am an avid follower of her Instagram account and, let me tell you right now, that account looks less like it belongs to a single human and more like it belongs to someone trying to fake different personalities for various free streaming trials. Since it’s Friday, and I was already planning to spend my day deep-stalking reality TV contestants instead of actually doing any actual work, I’ve decided to waste my precious free time by blessing you all with a definitive ranking of Bekah M.’s hairstyles. You’re welcome.
7. Smurf Hair
Okay, was this some sort of phase that took over America’s youth and I somehow missed it? Because Bella Thorne tried to pull this same shit a few years back by labeling herself a ~yUnG sMurF~ (her exact wording, not mine) and I do not fucking get it. Is this a sign of the Jingle Jangle drug use that Riverdale keeps alluding to? The only other plausible explanation I can come up with for a hairstyle such as this is that Bekah was trying to get sponsored by Urban Outfitters on Instagram, and I don’t think that’s not a good enough reason to
use the word penetrate dye your hair the color of a Papa Smurf. No, this shit gets last place.
6. Short & Sweet
This one just barely missed last place because, honestly, it’s so average. I, mean, am I rocking a similar haircut at this very moment, only in blonde? Yes, but I’m also not some mutant who escaped from Professor X’s house just to compete in The Bachelor and low-key incite jealousy in
me every bitch who’s ever thought about rocking a pixie but whose hair stylist told them it would make them look like a prepubescent boy. No, I expect more from the mutant Bekah.
5. The Brown Bob
Ah, the predecessor to the infamous pixie. As we’ve mentioned before, if you’re going short for the first time it’s important to start out with a longer cut than you actually want just to make sure you don’t completely ruin your life with one single decision (you know, aside from your Friday night plans). It looks like Bekah followed my sound advice—I knew I liked that girl—because this haircut is the equivalent of pulling over at a sketchy gas station for shitty coffee on the road trip to an actual good haircut. All I can say is, I’m v glad this cut only lasted all of
355 likes an Instagram post.
4. Pink & Chic
I know I just shit on funky colored hair literally three minutes into this post, but I’m actually really digging this millennial pink look and it is making me reconsider all of my life choices. I’ll be sure to tell my German hairstylist, Susi, next time I’m at the salon that one time I saw Bekah M. wearing pink hair and a bob and so now I’m going to wear pink hair and a bob. Again, Bekah looks almost unrecognizable with her latest hairstyle but I like that she let us know with her caption that this is, indeed, Bekah. It’s an important distinction.
3. The Buzz Cut
Kidding! This is actually an image of a member of an ancient lizard species known as a chameleon and not Bekah M rocking the buzz cut look, though it’s getting increasingly harder to tell with each passing photo. I just wanted to throw this one in there in case you weren’t paying attention. Moving on.
2. Blonde Hair Don’t Care
Okay, I retract my earlier statement because this girl is 100 percent a goddamn chameleon. That, or she’s worse than MK and Ashley Olsen at the whole witness protection thing and keeps having to change her look up so she can stay in Australia with all of her Aussie boyfriends. Like, this doesn’t even look like the same human. Seriously. The “Evolution of Bekah M.’s Hair” should have been what I wrote my senior thesis on instead of the influence of manic pixie dream girls on hipster society.
1. The Pixie
I know if I cut off all my hair I’d look like a British man, but tbh, the pixie is her best look yet. Lucky bitch. It’s chic, it’s different, it does make her look like the offspring of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, but that strategy seems to be a strong one when competing for
a new daddy Arie’s heart, so you do you boo boo.
Images: @whats_ur_sign / Instagram (6); @claudelrheault / Unsplash (1)
Catch up on our Bachelor recap here!
The Bachelor premiered Monday night, and boy, is this season going to be something. I didn’t say it would definitely be “something” good or bad, just “something.” The first episode’s ratings were a record low, which I guess could be interpreted as an indication that people want to watch Bachelors who have been relevant in the last five years? Wow, so crazy. Anyway, a “source” close to Arie Luyendyk Jr. did an interview with UsWeekly following the season premiere, and basically, Arie is just as enthusiastic about being the Bachelor as we all are. So… tell me again why we went with this ghost of Bachelors past? I’ll wait.
The “source” told UsWeekly, “He would be happy to have done this and not televise it.” UsWeekly frames that in a, “Look at Arie! He’s here for the right reasons!” kind of way, but I read this in more of a, “WTF is he even doing here then?” type of way. I mean, really. The source adds, “He’s an old school Bachelor. He wanted to get in, find his soul mate and go back to his old life.” Hmm, if only there were other, non-televised ways of meeting your potential soulmate. Like, I don’t know, a matchmaker, or even joining fucking Raya. Finally, this source asserts that Arie “has no interest in being famous.” Sir, that is just not how it works. If you have no interest in being famous, you don’t go on one of the most popular reality TV shows ever. Come on, bro. This is 201
78. Don’t act like going on The Bachelor is your only method of finding love left in this world. Because if it is, what does that say for me, a non-Instagram model who’s camera-shy? I don’t even want to think about it.
For what it’s worth, I will say that I don’t completely hate Arie as the Bachelor. Like, he’s not smooth at all, and I kind of like that about him. He seems—dare I say—real. I could do without the constant assertions from the contestants (probably at gunpoint) that he’s “soo hot”, and he’s no Kenny King (Kenny, if you’re reading this, DM me), but I’m not not into it. I know. I’m a totally new person in 2018.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor podcast here!