Last week, Peter Weber finally revealed that he and Kelley Flanagan are dating. With a picture of them on a plane, no less, just in case you didn’t remember him screaming in our faces every week “I’M A PILOT, THAT MEANS I’M SEXY” and “WATCH HOW I MOVE MY HIPS DURING THIS SALSA DANCE.” Oh sorry, that last one had nothing to do with this photo. Peter’s finale was on March 9th, which means literally no time has passed since the season ended, because time doesn’t count when you’re in quarantine, or at least that’s what I told my mother when I refused to celebrate my birthday in April. In that time (no time) Peter has managed to get engaged to Hannah Ann, dump Hannah Ann, try and date Madison for 36 hours, and is now dating Kelley. While yes, technically the Hannah Ann stuff happened after the season finished filming at the end of November, I still declare that to be no time, since it was over the holidays and time isn’t real then either. And in all seriousness, I have to say, this is not a good look. In fact, it’s just messy. And even with all the trash that ABC has thrown at us over the years, I’m starting to wonder if Peter is the messiest of them all? Let’s take a look at past Bachelors and see if any of them can beat him at this game.
First, let me lay out my case for Peter. I understand walking into this thing with a chip on his shoulder because everyone wanted Tyler C to be the Bachelor, but that’s still no excuse for letting his dick hand out the roses every week. The Bachelor is not Are You The One. It is not Too Hot to Handle. It is supposed to be, or at least pretend to be, about finding a wife—not just someone you want to hook up with and make sponsored his-and-hers FabFitFun posts with. It was obvious from the beginning that Peter wasn’t looking for a wife, and proven when he brought two under-23-year-olds and a dementor to the Fantasy Suites.
So, eventually Peter proposed to Hannah Ann because she was the only one of his final two who would have sex with him and oh, also, didn’t eliminate herself. Shockingly, this did not turn into everlasting love. Peter is not the only Bachelor to change his mind after all the glitz, glamour, and Neil Lane’s blinding smile go away. But he is the only one whose relationship with the runner-up was so short that if they were binge watching Tiger King together at the start of it, they’d never even find out if Joe Exotic managed to kill that b*tch Carole Baskin. And he is certainly the only one to then move on to a THIRD woman from his show. Now he’s posting cringeworthy TikTok videos with Kelley, and Madison is responding with her own awful TikToks. I’m sorry, I cannot describe these any further because I tried to watch and I burst into flames of embarrassment, shame, and disgust. We’ll see where Peter’s relationship goes with Kelley. My heart says to root for them because she is age-appropriate and should have been the winner all along, but my head says that Kelsey should get her choreographed dance moves ready for when Peter is ready to move on in a few days.
We didn’t catch you. You’ve literally been posting videos together for a month.
And now, things have gotten even messier, because we found out this week that Peter and Kelley left Chicago to go back to LA—in the middle of a pandemic. Hmm, guess they were bored there, so now they want to be bored somewhere else! They’re now in the land of paparazzi, and we’ve already seen photos of them riding a tandem bike. Ew. Let’s not forget that Peter already flew to Chicago during the pandemic, so he’s a repeat offender at this point. Also, I hope he’s not hanging out with his parents, who are definitely old enough to be high-risk! People, how hard is it to just stay the f*ck where you are!?
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Where do I start Mrs. Mesnick. Let me apologize publicly again for putting you through the Bachelor🌹 mess that I created. With that being said… it built an incredible, unique, foundation for us to build our family – showing that we can make it through anything. You are, by far, the most generous person that I have ever met. Molly would literally take the shirt off her back for anyone (I beg her to do this all of the time 😉) Without a beat, she became a step-mom at age 25 and has been there, unconditionally, for Ty for 10 years. She's created the most beautiful and comfortable home for our family, welcomes everyone with an open door (she is the hostess with the mostest). I wish you could all see the way Riley looks up to her. Riley sees all that Molly is and is the perfect Mini-Molly. I love you with everything that I am and look forward to tackling the next chapter with you! Now lets go to @terranearesort for our 10 year celebration!
It’s hard to be messier than Peter, but Jason Mesnick was the OG of Bachelors That Change Their Mind™, so he can’t be forgotten. For all you beautiful young things who don’t need to slather your faces in expensive retinol, let mama tell you about Jason Mesnick. He was lucky Bachelor number 13, which aired in 2009. Ah, a time when we were so innocent and unaware of the terrors ABC had yet to unleash onto this world *cough* Chad Johnson *cough*.
On his season finale, Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa Rycroft and she accepted. Congrats! But then, on After the Final Rose, Jason realized he was still in love with Molly, his runner-up, and broke up with Melissa ON AIR. So this might not sound that shocking now that we’ve met The Shame of Scottsdale, Arie Luyendyk Jr., but back then this had never happened before, and things were not yet being manufactured to garner more Instagram followers. Plus, he did this on a live special! V messy, Jason. But to his credit, Jason is still with Molly today and they have adorable children, and I guess life is good and he got his sh*t together. So thanks for the entertainment, you crazy kids, glad it worked out!
I’d also be remiss not to mention that we have Jason to thank for Reality Steve. His season was the first one Steve ever spoiled, and the rest is history, as they say. So thank you both for helping me win my Bachelor brackets for at least the last five years, and letting me get away with calling it a “God-given talent”.
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
You all knew he was coming. And now he doesn’t even seem all that original anymore, does he? After nine long years of Chris Harrison making blood sacrifices to the full moon and selling a tiny bit of his soul each time he had to officiate the wedding of a couple that met on Paradise, the devil finally granted his request and sent him another Bachelor who never heard the phrase “no take-backs”.
Arie was middle-aged mature, experienced, and supposed to bring a level of seriousness to this show. Instead, he proposed to Becca and then brought a cameraman to their “happy couple” weekend, dumped her, and then refused to leave while she sobbed. It was uncut, raw footage, and I would rather go to the gynecologist every single day of my life than watch those moments of TV ever again. It’s like he saw what Jason Mesnick did, pointed at it and said “That! Only make her want to die!”
And so he did. Then he went to his runner-up Lauren’s house, they exchanged about three words and got back together. The ONLY reason he is not messier than Peter is because he made it work with Lauren, despite the fact that I have been dutifully sticking their voodoo dolls full of pins for two years. That’s impressive. And their kid is cute. You MILDLY redeemed yourself, Arie. And that is the nicest thing I will ever say about you, so take it.
Colton’s messiness does not begin with his season. In fact, his season was relatively mild when you look at it in comparison to Arie emotionally running over Becca with a semi-truck the year before. Colton was messy before he even went on Becca’s season. I’m sure I have voiced this in previous articles, but Colton schemed to be the Bachelor for years, and Mike Fleiss fell for it. Before Colton knew that Becca was going to be the Bachelorette, he DM’d Tia, thinking it would be her and he could score an advantage, and they spent a weekend together. Then, when he found out The Bachelorette was Becca, he peaced out. He went on Becca’s season and had to reveal what happened with Tia. He still finished in fourth place, after which he went on to Paradise. On Paradise, he dicked Tia around some more, but didn’t want to commit because he was in the running for The Bachelor “it wasn’t there.”
Then he, of course, did become the Bachelor, and ended up with Cassie after the infamous fence-jump and getting the body shakes so loud I still hear them in my most quiet moments. And they’re still together today, despite coronavirus, Cassie’s bangs phase, and Colton’s book. What’s so unique about Colton’s messiness is that the contestants usually wait until after they’re the Bachelor to test drive other members of Bachelor Nation, but he did it before he was ever even cast on any of the franchise’s shows, so kudos to him for recognizing a trend and getting ahead of it. I hope talking about your virginity on national TV for two months was everything you dreamed it would be when you were scheming, Colton!
Chris Soules’ season was not actually all that noteworthy, unless you consider casting a Bachelor that couldn’t form a full sentence for an entire season noteworthy. Chris was a farmer from Iowa, and a fan favorite on Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette. He proposed to Whitney, much to runner-up Becca Tilley’s obvious relief, and then they broke up very shortly after the finale aired. His real messiness began after his reality TV career, though. In 2017, Chris was charged with leaving the scene of a fatal car accident. Chris rear-ended a tractor which resulted in the death of the driver, Kenneth Mosher, and then left the scene of the accident. He was not charged with driving under the influence, although there were discarded beer cans found in his car. He eventually pleaded guilty and received two years probation.
Obviously this is more than messy—it’s sad and devastating for the victim’s family and it’s reckless, dangerous, and stupid on Chris’s part. But NOW he is quarantining in Iowa with the one and only Victoria Fuller. Word is that he DM’d her and that’s how this got started. Damn, I feel like every day this show gives me grounds to sue Instagram. Is there anything messier than two people with a myriad of legal troubles hooking up? Now I’m thinking that coronavirus started just because it knew this couple was coming, and wanted to make sure they had literally nowhere to drive together. I’m sure this couple will only get more dramatic, and I’m excited to see where it goes.
So, is Peter the messiest Bachelor? Yes, for now. But I don’t doubt that the second ABC can start filming again they will find a new man even more indecisive and willing to debase himself for Instagram followers. So, enjoy your Messiest Bachelor of All Time badge while you can, Peter! But please take solace in the fact that you’ll always remain the most embarrassing member of Bachelor Nation on TikTok.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (2); pilot_pete, jasonmesnick, bachandroses/ Instagram
It’s been two years since Arie Luyendyk graced our TV screens as the most boring Bachelor in history, and I have to say, I don’t really miss him. Watching Arie and Lauren fall in love (sorry, Becca) was arguably less exciting than watching paint dry, but hey, it seems like things are really working out for them. I love that. Two years after meeting on the show, they’re married, they have a daughter together, and now, the first house that they’re flipping together is officially on the market. Luckily, someone posted the Zillow listing in a Facebook group I’m in, and boy is it something.
I’m no real estate expert, and after perusing the listing, I have several questions. First, let’s go over some of the details. Arie and Lauren bought the old house in February of last year, and did a complete tear-down and new build. The new house has four bedrooms/three bathrooms, and is almost 3,000 square feet, which by my calculations is *looks around* definitely bigger than my apartment. Great, sounds like a normal suburban house. Arie is listed right there on Zillow as the listing agent, so it’s good to see he hasn’t let his Bachelor fame get in the way of his actual career.
The thing that immediately caught my attention is the asking price: $915,000. For those of us that are numerically challenged, that’s almost a million dollars! It sounded high to me, so I did a little digging. Arie and Lauren bought the old house on the lot for $298,500 in early 2019. Then, the new house was listed yesterday for $950,000. According to Zillow’s calculations, that’s a price increase of over 200%. Damn, do I need to get into flipping houses? Probably. Do I have the skills? Definitely not. Strangely, in less than a full day of being on the market, the price on the house has already been lowered by $35k, which seems like an odd strategy? Maybe this is a common tactic that I’m unaware of, but I’m gonna choose to think that Arie just made a typo when putting in the price.
Zillow also has a feature called the “Zestimate,” where it tells you the estimated actual value of a house. When I first saw the listing last night, the Zestimate on this house was a whopping $600k lower than the list price, but now it’s been updated to just over $900k, so I’m guessing that was just a lag on the new listing. In fact, the Zestimate has continued to go up in the last hour or so, which is interesting. But what’s really interesting is that the average value of a home in this neighborhood of Phoenix is around $360k. That’s a huuuuuge difference from Arie and Lauren’s just-shy-of-a-million asking price, and it makes me wonder why they built such a nice house in this neighborhood? My mom always told me that you never want to have the most expensive house in the neighborhood because it hurts your property value, and it looks like that’s exactly what these two have done. Oh well, not my problem.
Now that I’ve done enough research to earn my real estate license, let’s talk sh*t about the house itself, because I know that’s why we’re all here. From a first glance at the outside, it looks like Arie and Lauren stuck to the Vanderpump Rules architectural style of “off-white house with big black garage door,” and is anyone surprised? I’m not sure about those unpainted wooden beams surrounding the front door, but I guess the rustic wood offsets the feeling that your house looks like you saw it in a catalog and said “I love that” (sorry, I’ll stop).
Moving inside the front door, you’re immediately greeted by an open-concept kitchen. And by immediately, I mean that the stove is literally no more than six feet from the front door. Is this a thing? I will say, the kitchen looks beautiful. But all the photos are taken with that weird wide lens that’s supposed to make everything look bigger, and it leads to some sketchy Kylie Jenner Facetune issues. Like, the kitchen island looks like it’s straight out of an MC Escher drawing, and I can’t tell how big anything is.
In the initial post I saw about the house, one thing that many people called out is the lack of staging in these photos. And I have to agree, some furniture would have helped. In photo after photo, we just see these big, empty rooms, but due to the weird fish-eye perspective, it’s really hard to get a handle on how big anything is. I’m sure staging takes a lot of time and money, but still, it would be helpful to know what size bed I could fit in each room, for instance.
But all of these complaints about the layout and the lack of staging absolutely pale in comparison to what I’m about to show you. Brace yourself, because this is really upsetting.
Behold, the hall bathroom:
WHAT. THE. F*CK. Oh my god, I’m gonna be sick. And I say that because the tile looks like some kind of bacterial infection that’s rapidly spreading into the hallway. I’m gonna keep checking the Zillow listing, because by this time tomorrow, it might take over the whole house! Who can stop the tile???
But actually, who made this design decision? Joanna Gaines would never. Like, did they get 90% of the way through laying the floors in the hallway and run out of wood? Honestly, that’s the only explanation I can think of, because this is gonna look so weird when the bathroom door is closed. Also, the edge of the wall where it meets the floor looks… kind of sloppy? For that asking price, I would expect all details to be flawless. I’m sure whoever buys this house will love it, but it’s not the one for me, and not just because I will never have $900,000.
If you’re in the Phoenix area, there’s an open house tomorrow, and I’m literally begging you to go inspect and report back. Does the house actually look nice? Can you figure out why this tile situation happened? Is Arie going to follow you around the house while you cry in every room? I have never needed answers more. Good luck to Arie and Lauren, and maybe if they’re lucky, they’ll get an HGTV show out of this.
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Images: Zillow (4)
UPDATE: The world’s longest pregnancy is officially over, because on Wednesday afternoon, Arie and Lauren’s baby finally arrived. Lauren gave birth to a healthy baby girl named Alessi Ren, which I’m going to assume is a Dutch name I don’t know about, and not a girl version of the DJ Alesso. Arie first announced the news on his Instagram story, and then later in the evening, both he and Lauren posted photos of their new baby. That’s the difference between a Kardashian baby and a Bachelor baby. The Kardashians can keep an entire pregnancy secret, but with Arie and Lauren we practically knew this baby’s social security number 45 minutes after she was born.
While Lauren was in labor, Arie spotted prime opportunities for #content, and his Instagram story was a lot. First, Lauren guessed that her baby would be 6 lbs, 18 oz, which the internet promptly began to troll. I’ll give Lauren a little bit of slack and say it was the drugs talking, but I’m also not confident that Lauren knows there are 16 ounces in a pound. She doesn’t seem really, you know, math-y to me. Arie was literally taking videos of Lauren talking while she was in a hospital bed about to push out a baby, and I’m really just impressed that she didn’t hit the phone out of his hands. I’m sure they agreed on a certain amount of hospital content ahead of time, but still, give it a rest.
The most notable thing about Arie and Lauren’s new daughter is that she’s basically already an influencer. The Baby Luyendyk Instagram account already has 280,000 followers, so it’s probably only a matter of weeks before she starts posing for photos with Teami shakes. Like mother, like daughter! Honestly, the only surprising thing is that little Alessi was born like, 15 hours ago while I’m writing this, and she still hasn’t posted anything to her Instagram. Apparently Lauren is already struggling in her duties as a momager.
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29 weeks! This week I’m the size of a butternut squash. It’s a bit of an odd shaped vegetable, but I’ll take it. Mom and Dad went on a road trip this week and I learned RV life is fun. It felt like I was on a little rollercoaster for the last few days. Well enough about them let’s talk about me. This week I’m actually dreaming in here when I sleep and let me tell you baby dreams are so random. I had this dream Mom and Dad met on a TV show, like when would that happen ??♀️. Also my little head is getting bigger to make room for my growing brain. Expect me to be more witty week by week ? Other than that Mom has been showing me off and she tells me she’s proud of me. All the feels ❤️ Chat again next week, love you guys! #29weekspregnant
Congrats to Arie and Lauren on their bundle of joy, and especially congrats to Arie because now his wife can work on getting “back to normal.” Sorry buddy, but I doubt she’ll want to go hiking anytime soon!
WEDNESDAY: Bachelor Nation is about to get a new member, because Arie and Lauren are about to have their first baby. Thanks to Arie keeping us updated on Instagram, we know that Lauren is in labor and in the hospital, which means that Baby Luyendyk should finally be making an appearance any minute. Late Tuesday night, Arie posted a photo of them at the hospital, with the caption “IT’S HAPPENING!” I’m honestly offended at how beautiful Lauren looks while she’s literally in labor, but here’s the photo anyway:
Over the past 24 hours, Arie’s Instagram story has been quite the journey. On Tuesday, Lauren had her 39-week appointment, and everything looked great. He and Lauren both talked about being ready, and he specifically said he can’t wait for her to be “back to normal” so she can hike and stuff. K, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to ever tell a woman that she’s not normal, but it probably went right over Lauren’s head.
Then, last night, the two of them were at home like nothing was happening, filming an IG story ad for some health drink. Honestly, they’re way more charismatic doing Insta story ads than they ever were on The Bachelor, so I guess I’m glad they found their calling. They seem so much better in real life than on TV, which is probably a good thing if you’re trying to make a marriage work. Still #TeamBecca tho.
But after the ad was posted, it was time for Baby Luyendyk to kick things into high gear. They got to the hospital late last night, and the Instagram stories kept going strong. First, Lauren complained about how long it took Arie to find a parking spot, and then she was pushing him around the hallways in a wheelchair, which ended up getting them in trouble. Clearly Lauren was still feeling fine at this point, but I don’t think most women have this much fun while they’re in labor.
A few hours after that, Arie updated us that Lauren’s contractions were two minutes apart, and then she got an epidural at about 5am, Arizona time. As of right now, they’re trying to get some sleep before the baby comes, but it really could be any time. I’m sure we’ll be updated via Instagram as soon as it happens, and I give it less than an hour until Baby Luyendyk posts its first official Instagram outside of the womb. These two are way too corny to let this opportunity get away from them.
Obviously, I’ll be back with updates as soon as we know more, because let’s be honest, I didn’t really want to get anything done today anyway.
Images: Shutterstock; @ariejr (4), @babyluyendyk / Instagram
It’s been a year since we were forced to watch Arie and Lauren hang out together in silence on The Bachelor, and I’ve mostly stopped being annoyed by them. For all of Arie’s bullsh*t about breaking up with Becca on national television, it genuinely seems like he made the right choice. Arie and Lauren are now married with a baby on the way, and it feels like they are happy together and committed to one another.
But just because we don’t have to suffer through watching their dates anymore doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. In fact, it looks like they’re now forcing Planet Earth to suffer through their dates instead. A couple days ago, Lauren posted this photo of her and Arie at Antelope Canyon, which is in Arizona. The canyon is famous for its smooth, wavy walls and narrow pathways, and it’s really beautiful. Lauren’s caption about not carrying herself/Arie not carrying her/idk is very confusing to me, but whatever, it’s a cute pic.
Okay the caption is really still driving me crazy (like, is she implying that by carrying her, Arie is also carrying the baby? Because if that’s the case, I have an anatomy class I need her to sign up for), but other than that I wasn’t mad about the picture. But little did I know that Lauren’s cute pic was actually a photo of her disrespecting Mother Nature. People quickly pointed out in the comments that, because the canyon walls are so fragile, you’re not supposed to touch them. There’s actually a strict limit on how many people are allowed in Antelope Canyon each day, and you have to apply for a ticket months in advance. As you can clearly see, Lauren is standing on the wall, so she missed the “no touching” memo.
People quickly started dragging her in the comments, and to her credit, she actually did respond to one of them:
Okay, so I believe that Arie and Lauren didn’t realize she wasn’t supposed to touch the walls. They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed, and we all do dumb sh*t sometimes. What I do have a problem with, however, is that she turned off the comments on the photo, and (according to Reddit) deleted many of the negative ones that were already there. Oh Lauren, sweet Lauren. The apology seems just a little less sincere when you follow it up by blocking out all other criticism. The guys behind Fyre Festival learned this the hard way! I get that people can be brutal in the comments, but just turn off your notifications and let it happen this one time. Turning off comments on Instagram is never a good look.
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29 weeks! This week I’m the size of a butternut squash. It’s a bit of an odd shaped vegetable, but I’ll take it. Mom and Dad went on a road trip this week and I learned RV life is fun. It felt like I was on a little rollercoaster for the last few days. Well enough about them let’s talk about me. This week I’m actually dreaming in here when I sleep and let me tell you baby dreams are so random. I had this dream Mom and Dad met on a TV show, like when would that happen ??♀️. Also my little head is getting bigger to make room for my growing brain. Expect me to be more witty week by week ? Other than that Mom has been showing me off and she tells me she’s proud of me. All the feels ❤️ Chat again next week, love you guys!
Also, in case you were wondering, Lauren is 29 weeks pregnant, which means we probably have less than three months to go before baby Luyendyk is here. Buckle up, because that baby’s Instagram account is only going to get more annoying from here on out.
Images: Shutterstock; @laureneburnham / Instagram (2); @babyluyendyk / Instagram
Today is a very special day, people! And, no, I’m not just saying that because this morning my barista told me I was “glowing” when, in fact, I looked more like a drowned street rat who had just crawled its way out of the subway. No, today is Arie Luyendyk Jr’s birthday! For those of you who aren’t familiar with who Arie is, congratulations
on the full and happy life you’re living you’re not better than me. If you’ll recall, Arie was the down-on-his-luck runner-up from Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette who landed his own season of The Bachelor last year. And by “down on his luck” I mean clearly dating someone right before he was chosen to be the Bachelor. But, hey, everybody deserves a second chance at love! And since I can’t burn ABC studios to the ground for their choice in Bachelors like I’d like to, I guess I’ll just have to settle for roasting tf out of Arie for his bday. So here’s a little tribute to the guy who disgusts me so much that I’m happy to never interact with the male species again spend my Friday nights heating up mac n cheese for one. Happy birthday, Arie!
When He Dubbed Himself “The Kissing Bandit”
Boy, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall during this marketing meeting. ABC casually asks Arie what his best traits are, and the best thing he can come up with is using the right amount of tongue. You’ve got a real winner on your hands, Mike Fleiss! So basically we knew Arie’s season of The Bachelor would be more disappointing than my Hinge matches when the first teaser they released of the season involved their bachelor dressed like the Hamburglar and suggestively puckering his lips at the camera. I think a yeast infection might be sexier than watching that on my TV screen, but to each their own.
When He Thought He Had Dance Moves
There’s literally nothing that could dry me up faster than watching this dude figure out how to do the cupid shuffle during the commercial breaks of How To Get Away With Murder, and yet, here we f*cking are. Look, I know ABC had a real uphill battle trying to make a man who’s old enough to be the adoptive father of several of the female contests *cough* Baby Bekah *cough, cough* seem like a genuine catch and not just the catch on To Catch A Predator, but MY GOD ABC this was not the way to do it.
When He Made The Women On His Season Drink Pee
It was a dark day in history when we watched beautiful, successful grown-ass women willingly down what they thought was urine like free shots of tequila so a man ON A DATE WITH TWELVE OTHER WOMEN might kind of like them. Ladies, we did not march for this!
When He Stuck His Entire Fist Through Bekah M’s Hoop
I don’t even have anything to say here other than that watching Arie capitalize off of Bekah’s daddy issues by thrusting one feminine hand through her hoop earring on live television, is the reason I deleted all my dating apps for a week. Just saying.
When His Ideal Woman Turned Out To Be A Robot
Every year ABC feeds us a lot of bullsh*t about how the man they’ve picked to be the Bachelor is the cream of the crop: a hot, stand-up dude looking for a smart, driven, beautiful woman to spend forever with. Now, I’m not saying that Arie didn’t choose a great girl, but I’m also not not saying that that great girl wasn’t forged in a lab by ABC interns who googled “perfect lady traits” and came up with Lauren B. I guess things worked out for them, though, because they’re getting married this January in a private ceremony. And by “private” I mean 100 of their closest friends, family, ABC producers, and every major media outlet whose DMs Arie was able to slide into (not us, because we got blocked). But, you know, ever happiness to you both!
When He Filmed His Breakup On Live Television
Remember when Arie chose Becca and promised to choose her everyday for the rest of their lives together? And then the rest of their lives together was like three more days before he dumped her on a romantic getaway and filmed it? Ah, yes,
good times let’s burn his house to the ground.
So I guess what I’m saying here is happy birthday to everyone but Arie Luyendyk Jr. I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue! Bye!
IMAGES: ABC (2); Giphy (2)
Say what you will about Bachelor Nation, but we’re a dedicated bunch. Not only do we return, season after season, to endure the emotional abuse of watching beautiful people consistently get engaged to the WRONG PERSON (@Rachel Lindsay), but we do it all year long.
The Bachelor franchise has become the European soccer of the reality TV world. It’s on year-round with seemingly no break and the fans are crazy enough to accept that as a way of life. Also both get really worked up over fantasy leagues. Honestly, there’s serious cross-over potential here.
Almost every Monday night of our year (and in the summer, Mondays and Tuesdays) is spent watching a parade of Instagram models in bedazzled dresses, fitted suits, and flawless veneers parade across our TVs in the name of finding love. But do you know how much time that really is?
We do. And the burden of this information is something we can never unlearn.
Let’s just take the last year, yeah? If you watched Arie’s Season of The Bachelor, Becca’s Season of The Bachelorette, and the latest season of Bachelor in Paradise (assuming you’re watching live and therefore dealing with commercials), you’ve spent at least 68 hours watching Bachelor-related content. This doesn’t even account for the odd extended episode, or After the Final Rose special (because it’s garbage).
Sixty eight hours. Sixty. Eight. Hours. That’s almost three days. Three whole days of your life that you’ve dedicated to watching the tumultuous love lives of beautiful people with questionable motives unfold and implode on national television.
Do you ever wonder what you could have done with that time? What you could have accomplished if those 68 hours hadn’t been whisked away by Chris Harrison and 35 blonde girls named Lauren? Well we have, and went ahead and crunched the numbers to save you from throwing even more time into the bottomless pit that is the Bachelor franchise.
Assuming the average fight from NYC to LA is about six hours, you could have made the trip eleven times. Don’t like flying? Fancy something more scenic? Well you’re in luck, because you could still tackle the road trip, which comes in at just around 43 hours if you drive straight through. That leaves 25 whole hours for you to contemplate, for the millionth time, how the f*ck Rachel picked Bryan over Peter.
This weekend, Eliud Kipchoge broke the world record marathon time in Berlin, coming in at 2:01:39. That man, who has probably never worried if Chris/Chad/Jordan/Trevor/generic-white-guy-name is here for the right reasons, could run about 33 marathons in the time you’ve spent on your couch chugging wine and watching the “most dramatic season yet” fail to live up to the hype.
But you don’t care about marathons. Hell, you probably don’t even care about running. But say you went out right now and tried to bust out a mile—even your untrained legs could probably run about 340 of them in the time that you’ve spent watching SugarBearHair vitamin ambassadors hand out roses to other SugarBearHair vitamin ambassadors.
Remember when you were a kid and your family owned Titanic on VHS, and it came on two tapes because it was just that long? Well instead of watching two near-strangers slow dance to a jarring number of private country music concerts, you could have watched Jack and Rose steam up that old-timey car 20 times. Could have wept watching that old couple cuddle in bed as water rushed into their room 20 times. Could have watched Leonardo DiCaprio’s freezing body sink to the bottom of the Atlantic 20 times.
They couldn’t have shared the door. It’s a buoyance thing. Don’t @ me.
The average commute in NYC is 35.9 minutes one-way (RIP Cynthia Nixon’s dreams of a functional MTA). This seems generous, but let’s go with it. Chris Harrison has stolen 113 commutes from you, in just three seasons of reality television.
It took me about an hour to sit here on a Sunday night, hungover and attempting to do basic math, just to write out this low-key pedantic list of things that I could have accomplished rather than watching The Bachelor for the past year and a half. Well guess what? I could have done this SIXTY-EIGHT TIMES.
68 listicles full of Bachelor franchise deep cuts. 68 odes to the world that Mike Fleiss built. Would that have been a better use of my time? Probably not. But it’s good to know that I’ve got options.
Anyway, catch me on my couch this January, ready to watch an uncomfortable number of virginity puns for Colton’s season of The Bachelor. Some habits die hard, you know?
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ABC, look what you made me do. Do you think I want to blast you on this international website? Of course not! But I don’t have a Twitter account with which to take out my anger on you, and 280 characters isn’t enough for me anyway. So here we are. And it’s time to address the age old question that has been giving me rage blackouts for a while: why do you want us to stop watching The Bachelor?
Let’s face it, The Bachelor is no longer fun TV. Everytime I watch it, it dawns on me that I’m actually in the Bad Place. But I was hopeful for this season of The Bachelor. There were so many not abominable good choices! There’s Blake, who is so sensitive he needs his mommy to comfort his cries at night. Jason, a normal guy in need of a haircut, who wouldn’t care if you forgot his name. There’s Joe, who’s too pure for this world, and Wills who, if nothing else, would keep us entertained with his fashion.
But instead you had to go and pick Colton who I CANNOT stand. And for whose lies I WILL NOT STAND. Colton has been campaigning to be the Bachelor all year. He contacted Tia when he thought she was going to be the Bachelorette. When she wasn’t, he dumped her and went on The Bachelorette. When he came in fourth, he went on Bachelor in Paradise. Like, he’s SO thirsty it makes me think he bet his friends a lot of money he’d lose his virginity this year. And apparently he and Tia broke up on Paradise last night? I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t going to sacrifice my last precious few moments of summer to watch a narrative that ABC has been shoving down my throat for five months. Colton basically DM’d himself into being The Bachelor. ABC, WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL PLAYERS TERRORISTS!
I’d also like to point out that everyone is acting like Colton is such a sweetheart because he’s a virgin. Newsflash: virgins can still be conniving assholes!
And this isn’t the first time you have dared me to stop watching, ABC. It all started a few seasons ago when it was announced that Nick Viall would be the Bachelor. Nick, a man whose lisp is so chilling that when his voice airs on TV in America it sends a shiver down the spine of someone in China. I literally have PTSD from his voice. But that’s not the the only reason I hate him. Nick slut-shamed Andi on live TV after coming in second on her season and then was hailed as “sensitive” and got many, many more shots on the show. Also, who can forget those f*cking turtlenecks? Nick didn’t deserve a fourth chance on the franchise. At what point can we just call the man a fame whore and move on? We deserve better!
Then you tried to course-correct and give us someone who hadn’t graced national TV since before avocado toast was even a thing. Arie, the human equivalent of a Monday morning, was not only boring af, but it turned out he also treats women like sh*t. As we all know, Arie proposed to Becca, promising to choose her every single day. Which he did, for like three days. And then he dumped her for the most perfect robot ever to be constructed in Virginia Beach, Lauren B.
There’s something all three of these dudes have in common. They all say they want to find love, but the second someone with bigger tits “better” comes along, they just can’t commit. So noble! The Bachelor used to at least PRETEND to be genuine about a man wanting to find love, and now it’s about the f*ckboy you met on Tinder getting his chance at reality TV fame. Let’s call this show what it is, The Bachelor: Give a Douche a Chance. Do better, ABC, or me and my three friends I can convince to show up every goddamn Monday for nine months of the year are OUT.
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