Well, well, well. Just when I was about to sit down and actually do work without Bachelor Nation interrupting with some messy f*cking drama, E! News lets it slip that Arie and Lauren B ARE PREGNANT. That’s right, people, the most hated elderly race car driver in America and the female C3P0 he chose as his bride are expecting their first child together just months before they tie the knot in January.
This pregnancy news is low-key shocking because the couple literally got engaged six months ago. And if you’re bad at math, let me just put it to you this way: this time last year, Arie was most likely engaged to Becca while Lauren B was in the development stages somewhere in the basement of an ABC studio. AND NOW THEY’RE BRINGING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD TOGETHER. First baby Bekah and now Arie and Lauren? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Like, are none of these people using condoms anymore?? Or is that against ABC’s contract these days? What. Is. The. Truth.
Lauren says she “kind of had a feeling” she might be pregnant, which leads me to believe that this baby was conceived after a single glass of red wine and Arie getting carried away with his fluttering hand gestures.
She also mentions that Arie has been doing “everything” for her since they found out she’s pregnant, which is definitely the angle she going to use when she pitches their relationship to their future kid. I can’t imagine she’d use their real “How We Met” story. Like, “well, honey, daddy dumped me for another woman on national television and then slide into my DMs three months later when he was still engaged to that other woman. It was just meant to be!!”
According to E! the January wedding is still going on as planned right after Colton’s season airs, lest they start 2019 without clinging to their relevancy. Mazel tov, though!!
The article doesn’t mention the baby’s due date, which feels a little suspicious and like something they definitely sold to People.com to run when they’re low on content one month. But, if my calculations are correct, the baby will probs make its appearance right around the time Colton’s season wraps up. What fortuitous timing for them! I’m sure that wasn’t at all planned and ABC is definitely not paying them extra to go into early labor during After The Final Rose. Nope.
As far as baby names go, I already have a feeling I know exactly what they’ll name their kid. If it’s a boy, I’m sure they’ll go with Arie Luyendyk III to carry on Arie’s legacy of
swallowing a woman’s mouth whole The Kissing Bandit. I can’t think of any other legacy that man could possibly pass on. And if it’s a girl, then I’m sure Lauren, being the unconventional, trendsetting woman we know and love, will want to go with something edgier, a little different. Like, Megan or Emily.
In all seriousness we wish the couple all the best during this
well-planned PR stunt very happy time in their lives! I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about this the second someone else in the Bachelor franchise wants to have their five minutes of fame. Kisses!
Images: @enews /Instagram (1); Giphy (1)
Today is a very special day, people! And, no, I’m not just saying that because this morning my barista told me I was “glowing” when, in fact, I looked more like a drowned street rat who had just crawled its way out of the subway. No, today is Arie Luyendyk Jr’s birthday! For those of you who aren’t familiar with who Arie is, congratulations
on the full and happy life you’re living you’re not better than me. If you’ll recall, Arie was the down-on-his-luck runner-up from Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette who landed his own season of The Bachelor last year. And by “down on his luck” I mean clearly dating someone right before he was chosen to be the Bachelor. But, hey, everybody deserves a second chance at love! And since I can’t burn ABC studios to the ground for their choice in Bachelors like I’d like to, I guess I’ll just have to settle for roasting tf out of Arie for his bday. So here’s a little tribute to the guy who disgusts me so much that I’m happy to never interact with the male species again spend my Friday nights heating up mac n cheese for one. Happy birthday, Arie!
When He Dubbed Himself “The Kissing Bandit”
Boy, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall during this marketing meeting. ABC casually asks Arie what his best traits are, and the best thing he can come up with is using the right amount of tongue. You’ve got a real winner on your hands, Mike Fleiss! So basically we knew Arie’s season of The Bachelor would be more disappointing than my Hinge matches when the first teaser they released of the season involved their bachelor dressed like the Hamburglar and suggestively puckering his lips at the camera. I think a yeast infection might be sexier than watching that on my TV screen, but to each their own.
When He Thought He Had Dance Moves
There’s literally nothing that could dry me up faster than watching this dude figure out how to do the cupid shuffle during the commercial breaks of How To Get Away With Murder, and yet, here we f*cking are. Look, I know ABC had a real uphill battle trying to make a man who’s old enough to be the adoptive father of several of the female contests *cough* Baby Bekah *cough, cough* seem like a genuine catch and not just the catch on To Catch A Predator, but MY GOD ABC this was not the way to do it.
When He Made The Women On His Season Drink Pee
It was a dark day in history when we watched beautiful, successful grown-ass women willingly down what they thought was urine like free shots of tequila so a man ON A DATE WITH TWELVE OTHER WOMEN might kind of like them. Ladies, we did not march for this!
When He Stuck His Entire Fist Through Bekah M’s Hoop
I don’t even have anything to say here other than that watching Arie capitalize off of Bekah’s daddy issues by thrusting one feminine hand through her hoop earring on live television, is the reason I deleted all my dating apps for a week. Just saying.
When His Ideal Woman Turned Out To Be A Robot
Every year ABC feeds us a lot of bullsh*t about how the man they’ve picked to be the Bachelor is the cream of the crop: a hot, stand-up dude looking for a smart, driven, beautiful woman to spend forever with. Now, I’m not saying that Arie didn’t choose a great girl, but I’m also not not saying that that great girl wasn’t forged in a lab by ABC interns who googled “perfect lady traits” and came up with Lauren B. I guess things worked out for them, though, because they’re getting married this January in a private ceremony. And by “private” I mean 100 of their closest friends, family, ABC producers, and every major media outlet whose DMs Arie was able to slide into (not us, because we got blocked). But, you know, ever happiness to you both!
When He Filmed His Breakup On Live Television
Remember when Arie chose Becca and promised to choose her everyday for the rest of their lives together? And then the rest of their lives together was like three more days before he dumped her on a romantic getaway and filmed it? Ah, yes,
good times let’s burn his house to the ground.
So I guess what I’m saying here is happy birthday to everyone but Arie Luyendyk Jr. I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue! Bye!
IMAGES: ABC (2); Giphy (2)
In case you were ready for Arie Luyendyk Jr. and the advanced humanoid ABC hand-crafted in the Bachelor studio last season posing as his fiancée to finally fade into obscurity where they rightfully belong, think again! Because Arie and Lauren just announced their wedding date and location, officially bouncing back into the spotlight mere days before Becca’s season of The Bachelorette premieres. What fortuitous timing for them! Now, I’m not saying that Arie and Lauren were trying to steal Becca’s thunder by literally throwing their wedding in her face during a time that’s supposed to be all about HER and HER love story, but I’m also not not saying that Arie would miss an opportunity to fuck over his ex one last time. Ya know?
Sooo not only did he embarrass her on national TV and take that giant engagement ring back, but now he’s got rain on her parade less than one week before she DOES THE DAMN THING? And to those of you who are doubting if the timing of this announcement was, in fact, intentional, that’s like, so cute of you to think. Seriously, bless your heart. But you don’t think this announcement could have waited literally one more week? Like, if Arie and Lauren are soooo happy in their condo in Arizona, maybe they could have given Becca at least one week where the world isn’t talking about how happy her ex is. I mean, has the girl not suffered enough? Judging by that heinous lace blazer she wore in her latest promo, she’s been having a tough time of it. LET THE GIRL LIVE, ARIE!
One more time for the people in back: YOU’RE TRASH, ARIE!
People reports that the happy couple are planning to get married in Hawaii on January 12th of next year. And, like, why you gotta do this to Hawaii? First, they’ve got to deal with Kilauea erupting and swallowing up their homes, and then as if that wasn’t enough, the world’s worst Bachelor of all time is going to bring his cardboard cutout bride there to desecrate the beautiful state some more with their limited vocabulary and backstabbing ways?
Sidenote: People, you’re embarrassing yourself rn. WHERE is your journalistic integrity? First, you decide to reward Ashley I and her eyelash extensions by releasing
her 8th grade diary “The Story of Us” vlog where she humble brags about finally getting a boyfriend, and now this? What’s next? An in-depth look at the creative genius behind “Bitch, I’m Bella Thorne”?
Anyway, back to the wedding announcement that literally no one asked for. In an interview with The View, Arie said this about his upcoming nuptials:
“It’s in Maui — it’s at Haiku Mill which has this beautiful, old world feel with a lot of vines and greenery… It’s not your typical beach wedding. And it’s a private wedding, so not on TV — just a close group of friends. Probably 100 guests.”
Lol so it’s a private wedding and yet Arie announces on live fucking television the exact coordinates to the venue? I’m also assuming that the 100 or so “close group of friends” invited to the wedding include Arie and Lauren’s Instagram endorsement reps, beloved producers, a People magazine reporter, and most popular Bachelor cast mates. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Arie.
Also, I do not for one fucking second think this wedding will be anything but a typical beach wedding. For one, it’s in Hawaii, which as far as destination weddings go, is about as unique as Lauren’s vocabulary. Then there’s the fact that the couple getting married are Arie and Lauren, two people whose idea of a good time involves spending an evening watching their own Instagram stories and murmuring “love it” to each other from across the room. Yes, I’m sure I’ll be dazzled by the ceremony.
Well, fam, that’s all I have to report for now. We still have four whole days until Becca is set to have her moment in the sun, so I’m sure at least three more former Bachelor contestants will come forward to compete for her limelight. Fingers crossed Dean comes through to break my heart one more goddamn time!
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (2); bellathorne /Instagram (1)
As much fun as it is to watch the drama unfold on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in real time, it’s also pretty fun to come to wildly accurate conclusions based on spoilers released by the showrunners themselves. Enter Mike Fleiss’ Twitter account, which is already full of Bachelorette spoilers. Filming for Becca’s season is already underway, and Fleiss, the creator of our favorite guilty pleasure, has been tweeting Bachelorette spoilers for night one. Gird your loins, it’s about to get weird exactly how you’d expect it would get.
Exclusive behind-the-scenes photos from #TheBachelorette Night One coming later this week!!!!
— Mike Fleiss (@fleissmeister) March 13, 2018
We’ve already met some of Becca’s potential suitors on night two of After The Final Rose. You know, when Becca’s ex-fiancé proposed to the girl he dumped her for while she was in the building. That night.
To recap: Becca met a British guy who talked WAY too much, Lincoln. She also met a guy who played her a weird song on the banjo. I don’t remember his name, but I feel like I want to call him Banjo Dave. JK. I looked it up and his name is Ryan, but “Banjo Ryan” doesn’t have the same ring to it, so Banjo Dave it is. She also met two average guys I don’t remember at all, and a guy with a horse. So now that we have met five guys, that only leaves (*does math slowly in head*) 25-ish guys for us to meet on night one.
“Im here for the right reasons” -Ryan aka Struggling Nashville Musician #TheBachelorette #AfterTheFinalRose #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/dSHQUfQAwh
— After the Final Rose (@afterfinalrose) March 7, 2018
Thankfully, we don’t have to wait that long to get more info on the rest of Becca’s potential suitors, since Mike Fleiss can’t keep his finger off the “tweet” button. Alright, let’s meet this stone cold pack of weirdos ready to take us on this “beautiful journey” with Becca.
— Mike Fleiss (@fleissmeister) March 16, 2018
Yes, there’s a man in a goddamned chicken costume, because we can only make it through one fucking season before someone returns to be the token costume person. Spoiler alert, the person who rocks the costume on night one never wins, but they are the person you’d most want to spend the night drinking with. Would you want to marry chicken guy? No. But you would hook up with him just for the story? Probably.
Next up in Bachelorette spoilers, we have sneaky snake Mike Fleiss trying to throw us a curve ball. Did you do a double-take to be like, “wait, no, that can’t be the herpes of the Bachelor franchise, Nick Viall, can it?” Because I sure did. Like, what’s his lispy ass doing infecting our TV screens again!?
Can’t believe one of Becca’s guys wore only a vest. No jacket. No bueno #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/rLb9haxZe6
— Mike Fleiss (@fleissmeister) March 16, 2018
Spoiler alert, that is Nick. But the photo is definitely not from Becca’s season. Thanks to my extensive research, i.e., looking at the replies to this tweet, I discovered it’s a photo from Andi’s season. You’re welcome. Also, never trust Mike Fleiss #lifelesson.
And here is the rest of the picture – from Andi’s season. pic.twitter.com/wqKVkpy3UM
— Bella Hristova (@BellaHristova) March 16, 2018
Let’s dissect some of these other Bachelorette spoilers Fleiss tweeted out. TBH, they’re not really spoilers at all. They’re more, like, just facts any of us could have tweeted right now about what’s going to happen on the episode. Like, oh, someone arrives and leaves in an interesting way? Wow. Groundbreaking. Is someone also going to get too drunk and embarrass himself? Will two guys establish themselves as mortal enemies for no reason just to get more air time? Will Becca mouth “Oh my god” to the camera after the hottest dude on the show walks in the house after they meet (cc: Darius)? Yes, yes, and a million times yes.
A very strange entrance and exit last night at the mansion… #TheBachelorette
— Mike Fleiss (@fleissmeister) March 16, 2018
Mike also tweeted out a picture of some of the guys hanging out in the kitchen of the Bachelor mansion. We have pineapples, artichokes, and what looks to be like some sort of salsa—do with that information what you will. A taco night, perhaps? Or maybe the real takeaway here is that one of Becca’s contestants has a man bun. That might be more revealing, tbh—I thought we all agreed to get over man buns in 2016. This dude’s clearly not here for the right reasons.
Exclusive photo!!! #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/3Js5h9LXKX
— Mike Fleiss (@fleissmeister) March 17, 2018
Also, the other three guys in this picture are dressed like my dad going on an afternoon wine tasting in Sonoma. What can I say, I have daddy issues like that preppy dad look. Given what I know about The Bachelorette, there is a high probability that these dudes literally are waiting to go on an afternoon wine tasting in Sonoma. Just call me Reality Steve; I think I cracked these Bachelorette spoilers wide open.
Finally, we get this blurry, far-away photo that reveals a spoiler of what the Bachelor Mansion ceiling looks like. Cool.
Behind-the-scenes exclusive!!!#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/qpHmTcSoV7
— Mike Fleiss (@fleissmeister) March 18, 2018
We can’t really see faces thanks to the distance and quality of this photo, but you can definitely see some serious bicep action on that guy on the end. I don’t know if I’m more confused by the proportion of arm to muscle or the amount of ankle he’s showing. If we have any inclination of the type of guy Becca likes from good old Ross, it’s someone who has big muscles, no neck, and shows a lot of ankle. Whoever this mysterious gym rat is, I see him going far in this competition.
And how did Becca feel about all this man meat? An “insider” told Us magazine: “Becca felt great. She is someone who has a wide range of taste in guys, and this group didn’t disappoint her. Every guy is super into her and they all want to be the one to mend her heart. This was maybe the most competitive night one ever, and she really struggled in a good way with who to give the first impression rose as well as night one roses to.”
Great, now instead of the standard “the most dramatic season ever” we have to raise the bar to “the most competitive season ever.” I mean, honestly, I can see it. Becca had two dudes competing over her on The Bachelor. Of fucking course she’ll bring the drama on her own season. She basically turned The Bachelor into The Bachelorette when Ross showed up to confront Arie, anyway.
Of course, ABC hasn’t released the cast list for the show yet, so I can’t make the snap decision to say any of these guys are front-runners yet. But, let’s be clear, we already know it’s not the chicken guy.
Images: Giphy (2)
Welcome back to part two of my own personal hell: The Bachelor season finale. Lol I bet you thought we were done with this shit. NOPE. Thanks to our friends at ABC we’re required to sit through a casual TWO MORE HOURS of this fresh hell known as Arie’s Choice. After watching Becca cry for a solid 45 minutes last night I think it’s safe to say that I’d rather peel my skin off with a rusty spoon than listen to Arie explain why he decided to dump her for Lauren B on national television, but by all means, ABC, continue wasting my fucking time. You may proceed with After The Final Rose.
Chris Harrison opens up the episode by asking everyone how they slept last night after watching a woman’s heart be torn apart for our viewing pleasure. And honestly Chris, I’ve never slept better knowing that I’ll never come into contact with a greying man who has fabulous hand gestures.
Becca is literally falling apart on the floor. Meanwhile, Arie rides off into the sunset barely containing his utter glee at not being shackled to her for the rest of his life.
Awww. Well isn’t this a touching fucking moment? Arie’s listening to Jason give him advice on how best to fuck over a woman. So sweet.
Okay, does Becca realize she can tell those cameras to go fuck off now? Like, why is she letting them come into her house and watch her have an emotional break down? I mean, unless she’s getting paid to look at old pictures of her ex and cry into her single, empty house, then by all means cash in on your humiliation.
WAIT. Why did Lauren just leap into Arie’s arms like that? How many
nudes messages did these two exchange since Peru?? This is soooo fucking shady.
ARIE: I’m willing to make it up to Lauren not just today but
every day at least a few days longer than with Becca.
So let me get this straight. The two of them reconciled things on New Years Eve aka the standard day for fuckboys to slide into your DMs and ruin your year one last time? Fitting.
Lauren’s like, “Was there ever a point where you felt more of a connection with Becca” and it’s like, you did hear that he actually proposed to her right?
I would love to be a fly on the wall during this off-screen “conversation” they had because this was way too easy for Lauren to just take him back.
Chris brings Baby Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Caroline, and Kendall up on stage and poses the question of if they think it was wrong for ABC to air that breakup footage, which is a little like putting a metaphorical gun to the heads of their future Bachelor spin-off careers but, yes, I’m sure they’ll answer open and honestly here.
Lol Kendall just said she actually liked watching Becca be emotionally eviscerated on national television. But then again she also likes to play with the skins of dead animals, so we can’t always trust that girl’s judgement.
They bring Becca out and she gets a standing fucking ovation even though she’s dressed like she’s headed to my grandma’s disco party back in 1974. She’s definitely only wearing this number because it’s slutty and it’s a strategy that I applaud.
CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think it was wrong for us to air that footage?
BECCA: I want to be the next Bachelorette so… no?
Seriously, Chris, did you expect her to say anything else? I wouldn’t be surprised if ABC is using her very cute Corgi as collateral by holding him hostage until Becca admits that it was okay for ABC to exploit her misery for better ratings. Becca blink once if little Max Kupjoooce is safe, twice if you need me to call the governor of Minnesota.
Also, can we talk about the fact that people are sending Becca money on Venmo because her ex-boyfriend is trash? Like if I had known all it took to get free money was to be publicly humiliated on TV, I would have done it years ago.
I love that she wants to donate the money though. I mean, I’m sure she’s only saying that because she wants to be the next Bachelorette but I’m still here for it. And ABC shadily being like “well we’ll match whatever you donate.”
Damn. They must really be getting some threats on social media to resort to charity donations. I know that goes against literally everything Mike Fleiss stands for.
OMFG they’re bringing Arie out. THIS. IS. NOT. A. DRILL. Do we think the collective boos coming from the audience would be powerful enough to blow his sorry ass back to Peru?
BECCA: How did you know you didn’t want to be with me anymore?
ARIE: Well, once I had another girl already lined up. Obviously.
Honestly, there’s not much to say about this Becca/Arie confrontation. Arie is a selfish piece of shit who only looks even the tiniest bit remorseful because he doesn’t want a horde of irate 25-year-olds hopped up on rosé and baggage from their past relationships to key his car in the middle of the night.
Lol Chris just goes, “And what do you wish for Arie, Becca?” Um that he dies in a horrible, fiery car crash. Obviously.
I have nothing to say about this Jason and Molly interview except if Jason thinks Arie’s about to move out to LA and give up all of his Instagram endorsements to “work on his relationship” then he’s lost his damn mind. How will he make a living without selling laxative tea?? ‘Cause we certainly know it won’t be through real estate anymore. Especially after this shit show.
It’s time to bring out Lauren and I for one can’t wait to see her new switch board modifications. I’ve heard they’re state-of-the-art. Now that she has to pose as a real-live girl for
the rest of her life however long she manages to hold Arie’s attention she’ll need to actually show at least a sliver of human emotion to the public.
CHRIS HARRISON: I can’t imagine what’s going through your mind right now.
LAUREN: Neither can I!
ME: I see there’s still a few kinks in the programming…
Also, wtf is Lauren wearing? What is with these girls and lace this season? I mean, clearly she’s trying to distance herself as much as possible from the word “home wrecker” with this number, but still.
Watching Arie and Lauren play footsie in the hot seat is honestly the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in the last five hours I’ve been watching this godforsaken finale. His HANDS are everywhere!
Wait. WAIT. IS HE GOING TO FUCKING PROPOSE TO HER?? While Becca’s stands off camera crying into her former ENGAGED hands?? This is the most insensitive, fucked up thing I’ve ever seen. Like, your ex-girlfriend is still on the premises!
Also, does anyone else feel like this is less about romance and more about the fact that Arie just didn’t want to have to pay for his own ring?
Chris tells us that we’re finally going to find out who the new Bachelorette is and it’s like, fucking finally. I’ve only spent a small eternity watching this damn show. And the new Bachelorette is…. Becca! I, mean, I’m pretty sure the public blackmailed ABC into making that decision, but whatever I’ll take it.
Okay, watching all of these girls clamour to touch one inch of Becca’s skin to prolong their fame is excruciating to watch. Tia, stop pretending like you didn’t think it was going to be you!
Ugh. Does Chris think he’s clever by starting the new season of The Bachelorette right this fucking second? First of all, you pulled this shit last season so don’t act like you just re-invented the After The Final Rose wheel. Second of all, Becca literally just confronted her ex-fiancé, watched said ex-fiancé watch propose to his new girlfriend five minutes later, and now you want her to start dating again? Are you a sociopath?? When a Hinge date ghosts me after four dates I need at least three weeks and a Law & Order SVU marathon to even want to see a guy breathe near me, much less date one again, so I can only image the emotional whiplash Becca must be feeling.
They bring out the first
victim dude and he gets more speaking time than the entire cast of The Bachelor Winter Games. While he’s beautiful, I can’t understand a damn word he’s saying. If this is another Nick Viall lisp situation then we have nothing to look forward to people.
Okay, I actually don’t hate the banjo guy. I, mean, the song he’s playing and the jacket he’s wearing are making me want to take 12 Advil and drink until I can’t feel my feet, but his overall intention is cute so I’m here for it.
The fourth guy starts off strong by apologizing for his entire gender. Fine. you can stay.
Sidenote: I love that every single guy is starting off his little speech by telling Becca how brave she is for even leaving her house. Yes, because every girl likes to
know that she’s special be treated like a trauma victim.
The last guy just made a dad pun and reminds me of the guy I dated in college who wore chubbys even in the winter so I automatically like him. But if he thinks Becca is getting up on that horse in a dress that has a slit up to her vagina he’s got another thing coming. Like, she’s already been humiliated enough times in the past 24 hours without having her vaginal lips displayed for the viewing audience back home.
And on that note, I’M FUCKING OUT OF HERE. It was a good season, in the sense that Arie has continued to fuel my rage against the opposite sex. Thanks for that, ABC. Anyways, see you betches at the Bachelorette mansion!
Images: Giphy (4); @ariejr /Instagram (1); @tiarachel91 /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
Well, fam, we’re back for one more damn week of this godforsaken show. That’s right, this week on The Bachelor finale (part one, because ABC hates me) it’s down to the final two women. Tbh this recap should really be called “True Life: I’m Being Held Hostage By Chris Harrison” because that’s what it feels like to have to sit through three hours of Arie agonizing over his decision to marry someone with the emotional wingspan of a kitchen appliance or Becca K. Riveting stuff. Anyway, shall we commence with this
self inflicted torture episode?
Chris Harrison starts off the Bachelor finale by letting all of America know that not only is Arie boring AF, but he’s also a giant piece of shit. We have so much to look forward to, fam. Chris really isn’t making this three hour episode any easier a pill to swallow.
We’re back in Peru and as per usual, the mere sight of Arie makes me want to burn whole cities to the ground. Woosahhh.
ARIE: When I pictured Cusco this is what I pictured.
ME: *pictures Cusco in mind’s eye*
ALSO ME: ….yeah same.
Arie starts off the episode by letting us all know where he stands with the remaining two women. And since ABC would like to stretch this episode out into next fucking year I’m sure this monologue will proceed for the next 45 minutes when it can really be summed up in two sentences or less:
ARIE: With Becca I just know that I
only want her because some other dude proposed to her last episode love her.
ARIE: With Lauren there’s a little bit more of a risk because she’s dead inside.
With choices like these, where can he go wrong??
Lauren meets Arie’s parents and it is… alarming. Lauren’s just trying to pretend she’s a real girl and not like her and her doll hair were created in ABC’s studio hours before the season started. Meanwhile Arie is, like, engaging in foreplay with her fingers. Seriously, why is he rubbing them like that? Jesus. It’s gonna be a long night, people.
God, Lauren is so fucking boring. Every week I try to
drink convince myself that this will be the week where she’ll grow a personality or at the very least a facial expression, but alas, it’s not looking like this will be that week. *sighs*
Next, it’s Becca’s turn to meet the family. She emphasizes that this is a BIG DEAL to meet Arie’s parents, which is why she showed up in my freshman year club dress. I had some good nights at penny draft night in that number, but I’m not sure how it will win over your boyfriend’s parents, Becs.
Man, Lauren really won over Arie’s mom with
her sparkling personality the three monotone words she spoke, didn’t she? Like, why does Arie’s entire family keep bringing up Lauren to Becca?
BECCA: Yeah, so let me tell you how I feel about your son—
ARIE’S FAMILY: You’re very nice but we can we talk about Lauren now? She’s very pretty. We like them pretty. And weak. Very weak.
Andddd we’re back to Caroline talking shit about Arie. Chris is like, do you guys remember Caroline? The girl who made it three episodes but was bribed by production to confront Arie at the Women Tell All? Ringing any bells?
A REENACTMENT OF CAROLINE AT THE WOMEN TELL ALL:
Like, seriously, can we just get back to the episode? Please? I beg of you, Chris Harrison, put me out of my misery.
Back in Peru, Arie and Lauren go on their last date before he might emotionally eviscerate her on national television. Fucking finally. They’re hiking a seventh wonder of the world and Lauren looks about as enthused by it as she does clipping her toenails.
ARIE: She’s got a speckle in her eye—she’s amazing!
Yeah, but, like, what about her personality? Does she have a speckle in that?
Lauren’s like “Arie’s done all he possibly can to assure me that he loves me. Except for dumping his second girlfriend.” Yeah, whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey.
Okay, Lauren has to be the one going home right? Because that’s kind of how ABC is setting this up. I’m watching Arie and Lauren embrace and all I can think is “Arie is about to break you in two, sweetie.” *turns up volume*
Moving on to Becca and Arie’s date. Instead of taking her to a literal wonder of the world like he did his other girlfriend, Arie takes Becca to a shitty market. Yeah, I think it’s safe to say we all know which way he’s leaning emotionally. Also, again with the shopping, dude? This girl does have other interests, you know!
Becca’s like “I know I can really trust you, you know?” Meanwhile, Arie looks like he just shit himself. It’s like he just realized this show ends in a proposal or something. DUDE YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS TWICE YOU HAD TO KNOW.
I have a feeling Arie is only into Becca because literally two days ago another guy was willing to propose to her. He’s looking at her like he wants to love her because America won’t accept the human lump of cauliflower that is Lauren B.
Becca pulls a move straight out of How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days and makes Arie a
sad handwritten book photo album of their entire 30 day relationship. She really does get him and his dream of living inside a Reese Witherspoon movie. Huh. Well, at least it’s something she can burn when he inevitably dumps her for a girl with the emotional capacity of a lima bean.
Well fam, with an hour and a half left to go we’ve made it to the rose ceremony. An. hour. and. a. half. left. I’m not crying,
you’re crying I’m definitely crying. Here’s hoping the episode ends with Chris Harrison throwing Arie off that mountain. A girl can dream.
loser first limo pulls up AND IT’S FUCKING LAUREN. And her dress is on fucking point. I thought fringe was done, but she’s making me believe again. Also, I literally cannot wait to see how badly Arie trips all over himself when he tries to dump her while she looks like a goddamn vision.
Jesus. Arie has a horrible poker face. Does he think his sobs are hiding anything?
LAUREN: I’m extremely confused.
Truer words, Lauren. Truer words.
Damnnn Lauren just wished him the best and moved the fuck on. She’s not even really crying yet. I mean, granted, she wasn’t programmed to feel real human pain, but still. I’ve never respected her more.
Okay, Lauren is making all sorts of good points in this limo. HOW CAN YOU BE SURE, ARIE?? If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was fed those lines by production just in case she got back with Arie later…
Arie’s watching Becca come down the hill and it’s like he’s watching his damn funeral. Also, Becca, honey, wtf are you wearing? No dress—especially not THE dress you’ll get engaged to in—should be held together by pantyhose material. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism.
ARIE: I choose you today, and I choose you
until filming wraps up every day.
I’ve got a whole other hour to this episode that tells me otherwise, but by all means, Arie, continue playing Russian roulette with this girl’s feelings.
Cut to video footage of Becca and Arie walking off into the sunset with Chris Harrison Regina George-ing in the background: “that really did look like a happy ending, didn’t it?” Chris, you messy bitch. You’re living for this shit aren’t you?
Also, Chris Harrison really has that sorority-girl-evaluating-pledges face down this season, doesn’t he? Snaps for improvement, buddy!
We’re now treated to a montage of Becca and Arie’s charmed 12 hours together before Arie started sliding into Lauren’s DMs. I paraphrase. And they say reality TV presents a false reality.
AMERICA: *watches ABC shamelessly set up a girl’s heartbreak for optimum ratings*
CHRIS HARRISON: I know that was tough to watch. I can only imagine what you’re going through as you watch this at home.
Okay, Chris, this isn’t a fucking national tragedy. I’m watching this and also playing solitaire on my phone, so I’ll be fine.
***WARNING: You are about to see some triggering shit here. Like, worse than when Dean baked a cake for Danielle L in front of
the Russian orphan Kristina. Brace yourselves. ***
So clearly the happy couple is back from Peru and living their lives as a newly engaged couple who lives 1,600 miles away from each other and only ever interact when their Instagram endorsement deals deem it necessary. I’m so happy for them!
Oh God Becca thinks this is a cute couples getaway and not Arie dumping her ass. Oh God she looks so happy. Oh God my anxiety is literally through the roof.
^^Actual footage of me watching this breakup rn
Arie shows up and immediately is like “can I get a take-backsies?” and this is so fucking painful watch.
Oh god she’s covering her face with THE ENGAGED HAND.
SHE JUST NOTICED THE RING AND TOOK IT OFF OH MY FUCKING GOD. Tbh she’s showing way more self-restraint than me because I would have shoved that ring down his fucking throat by now.
Arie is such a piece of shit. I can’t. He’s not even gonna follow her?
Okay, do we really have to listen to Becca cry for 6 minutes? We get the point, ABC. You’ve accurately painted the face of human devastation for us. Now can you please let the poor girl be??
Becca, LEAVE! Like, did they lock her in that house? Why can’t she leave? Is this a horror movie? ABC, I need answers!
Arie is, like, waiting around for Becca to forgive him so he doesn’t have to feel shitty about dumping his FIANCE for another fucking woman. Meanwhile, all of America starts sharpening their pitchforks in their living rooms.
Okay, she has asked him to just go 10 million times and he won’t leave. Becca is a living, breathing human being and you need to get the fuck out. Also, I low-key feel like scum for watching this? Anyone else?
WAIT SHE’S HERE. AT THE LIVE VIEWING. WITH DARK LUSCIOUS LOCKS. She looks fab but I can’t believe ABC would force her to watch that in front of a live studio audience. Man, she must really be gunning for that Bachelorette spot.
Chris is like “it’s great to have you back” and Becca is looking at him like she’s contractually obligated to be there. Of course this is where the episode ends. Chris really emphasizes how lucky we all are that ABC so graciously decided to give us two nights to watch a woman’s grief be paraded all over national television for better ratings. Seriously, ABC is the sweetest.
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (5)
If you missed Monday night’s shocking Bachelor finale, you might not know yet that Arie Luyendyk Jr. is literally the scum of the earth. Oh wait, we’ve all known that for weeks now. But after the first part of the finale, it’s no question that Arie will go down in Bachelor history as one of the biggest fuckboys of all time. LOL that a year ago we were all complaining about Nick, but we didn’t know just how much worse things could get. Simpler times, when our biggest complaint was Vanessa being a huge bitch who obviously wasn’t there for the right reasons.
While you were busy posting hot takes on Twitter, the women who know Arie best were equally disgusted by his behavior. No one had more to say about the nightmare finale than our sweet little woodland creature Bekah M. Though she’s only a young child of 22, we’ve discussed that Bekah has the highest emotional maturity of anyone this season, and that includes calling Arie on his bullshit. Bekah suffered through the finale with her fellow week seven Arie victim Seinne (and hopefully a laaaaarge bottle of wine), and they both wasted absolutely no time roasting Arie all over social media.
Seinne kept things civil in her Insta caption, just calling the ending “painful,” and telling everyone on the West Coast to watch like the good ABC advertisement that she is. Bekah, on the other hand, wasn’t in the mood to hold back.
actual photo of me screaming at the tv last night pic.twitter.com/wYj83cNRcz
— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018
Um, yeah, who the fuck snuck into my apartment and took this photo of me!? Have you no respect for my privacy?? Like Bekah M., I am truly appalled at Arie’s behavior, but she has a little more personal experience with it.
hahahahahaha @ariejr is the biggest fucking tool i’ve ever seen. becca is a queen. a goddess. thank the LORD he’s out of her life
— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018
Is there anything better on the internet than Bekah screaming out her support for the other Becca? I think not. Sorry Oprah, but Bekah M. for President. Oh wait, she won’t be old enough to run until 2032. Ha ha ha Bekah you are tiny sweet baby, why do you need love!!!
As if Arie wasn’t a big enough fuckboy on the TV show, he also decided to slide into Bekah M.’s DMs, which is both so confusing and also just like no?
dm’ing your ex is a good look too ???? @ariejr pic.twitter.com/dRQYw6fIbZ
— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018
Okay, so the milk carton meme from when Bekah M. was reported missing is literally incredible, but Arie, why the FUCK are you messaging our little fragile child? You dumped her on national TV, leave the girl alone. He also DMed her a photo, presumably from a high school dance or some shit, with the creepy message that she was born the same year as his first 2-on-1. Excuse me while I call the police and Child Protective Services. Bekah really just needs to block Arie just like he blocked us, because there is nothing good coming out of that relationship.
that moment when you realize you dodged a bullet @ariejr pic.twitter.com/jkW2dyS5Go
— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018
So we’ll obvi be watching tonight to see if Arie ultimately ends up with Lauren, but for her sake she should stay far away. We love you Bekah M., keep doing the Lord’s work and don’t let Arie get within 500 feet of you.
Images: ABC; @seinnefleming / Instagram; @whats_ur_sign_ / Twitter (4)
Somehow we made it to The Bachelor: The Women Tell All and brace yourselves, people, because THE TEA IS ABOUT TO BE SPILLED. I know Chris Harrison literally says this about every tell-all, but I really do believe this might be the most dramatic episode ever. Why do I think this, you may ask? Because Arie just tweeted this v inspired message about tonight’s episode: “Bachelor in Paradise auditions wait I mean ‘Women Tell All’. Tune in tonight, good old fashion drama.” *slow claps* Okay, Arie. All the flavors in the world and you choose to be salty? Well, fam, if that’s not telling as to how this tell all is about to go then IDK what is. Let’s do this people!
Chris Harrison brings out the women, and it’s good to know that Jenna’s coke problem is still alive and well.
^^ Actual footage of Jenna at the tell-all
I mean, if it’s not a coke problem then I’m sincerely alarmed by her energy levels. Sincerely. Alarmed.
We’re 15 minutes into this tell-all and already talking about Bekah M and her age. Thank god I didn’t devise a drinking game around this or I’d already be wasted. Bekah keeps talking about how she’s feeling personally victimized by the
legal adults other women and I’ve honestly had enough of this bitch. If she didn’t want her age to be an issue than she shouldn’t have made it such a big deal in the first place by being literally the only woman to not disclose her age until she was forced to probably at gunpoint by a producer. BYE.
BEKAH: I’m sorry I can’t control that I was born in 1995!
Moving on. Chris invites Krystal up to the hot seat, and she seems to have matured since the last time we saw her. And by “matured” I mean she no longer sounds like a baby prostitute. Interesting. Let’s hope that this scandal is addressed here tonight.
Yo, are we finally getting to find out what the fuck happened during that group bowling date? ARE WE?? Is ABC actually going to give us an answer for once in the entire history of this godforsaken show?
Wait. So all Krystal did off camera during the bowling date was call Arie a needle dick? Descriptive, but also not that different from how I’ve been describing him for the past eight weeks, so.
Ah, my favorite moment during a tell-all: when the floor is opened for a public skewering. *turns up volume*
Bekah M, the girl who actively tried to hide her real age from Arie for six straight episodes, just urged Krystal to “be the real her!” and to be “open and honest with people!” Lol k.
Wow Caroline is auditioning HARD for her spot on Bachelor in Paradise. She’s like “how dare you hurt these ladies that I love with all my heart” and it’s like, didn’t you go home week three? Yeah, you love these ladies about as much as you’d love to endorse a tea that gives you the runs. Please.
Olivia, a girl whom I’ve never seen before in my entire life, asks Krystal the question that’s been plaguing me all fucking season: what. is. with. the. voice.
Lol did Krystal really just blame her voice change on a sore throat? Damn this girl is better at spinning facts than a Fox News anchor. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t going places!
Is Krystal trying to say that her competing for
Instagram endorsements Arie’s heart brought her brother out of homelessness? Not to nitpick here, but how does one watch The Bachelor if one is homeless? Hmm?
ME LISTENING TO KRYSTAL’S STORY RN:
It’s Seinne’s turn to take the hot seat and I can’t wait to hear all about how she cured cancer in her downtime during The Bachelor filming.
SEINNE: But watching it all back I realized
Arie wants someone with the personality of a door knob it wouldn’t have worked out.
I have nothing else to say about Seinne except that she and Oprah should run for president. #SeinneOprah2020
Andddd we’re back to debating Bekah’s age. Brb just going to go open more wine because I’m gonna need at least six glasses to get through listening to her defend her maturity
and her earring choice for the gazillionth fucking time.
Bekah brings up an excellent point about how none of the other young AF women competing over
a 37-year-old commitment phobe Arie were ridiculed for their age. Which might be true, but I’m having a hard time taking her seriously when the way she’s holding herself rn rivals Michelle Tanner in a time out.
Ah, yes. The infamous missing person’s report. I thought you’d never ask, Chris. Bekah tells a lovely story about how she went up north with some friends to a MARIJUANA CAMP just to “chill” after her time on the show. Honey, baby, sweetie. You really still think you were mature enough to get married to a man who wears cardigans and told you he goes to bed by 9pm? Really?? Your mother still expects you to text her when you get home from a party!
Surprise, sur-fucking-prise, Bekah is officially going to Paradise. And a
star FabFitFun model was born.
CHRIS HARRISON: Please don’t report your daughter missing this summer because she’ll be getting blackout with us on a beach in
It’s nice to know that she’s already got plans for her senior year spring break.
Moving on to Chris’s next victim: Tia. First of all, she looks amazing in that romper. This is a real step up from that Flintstone-inspired atrocity that assaulted my retinas last episode. Heartbreak looks good on you, girlfriend! Chris is like “I’m not sure if this makes things better or worse but Arie did tell me he had regrets about sending you home.”
So what I’m gathering from this entire episode is that Tia and Seinne are the frontrunners for The Bachelorette? I’m not mad about it.
They bring Arie out for the last 15 minutes of this shit show. Cool, cool. It’s not like I’ve spent the last two hours waiting for a room full of jilted women to rip him a new asshole. By all means, ABC, drag this out with one more fucking commercial break. You know how that thrills me.
Some highlights from my favorite parts of The Roast of Arie Lkjfnghbkjlgnhn Jr:
TIA: Kendall? Seriously?
ARIE: I just feel
like she’ll be crazy in bed more things for her.
JACKIE: You were so supportive of me and my degree that you didn’t at all try and stop me from leaving the show.
ARIE: Thank you. I appreciate that.
BEKAH: I’m still totally mature and ready to get married.
ARIE: I’m still totally down to bang after the show.
I paraphrase, you know?
Okay wtf is this cryptic-ass message Caroline just dropped on us? She’s like “I know what you did and how dare you” AND WTF ABC. WE JUST AREN’T GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS? *throws laptop at the wall*
Arie has one last showdown with Krystal and it’s about as dramatic as Arie’s hand gestures all season.
Krystal is like “I’m sorry I’m a jealous bitch but I hate when my boyfriend has other girlfriends.” To which Arie responds with: “You know this is The Bachelor, right?” Ooohhh I hope she has ice for that third degree burn, Arie! Seriously, that’s the best you could come up with dude?
On that note, I’m
drunk outtie. Until next week, betches!
Images: Giphy (5); ABC (3)