People Are Dragging Arie And Lauren For This Instagram They Posted

It’s been a year since we were forced to watch Arie and Lauren hang out together in silence on The Bachelor, and I’ve mostly stopped being annoyed by them. For all of Arie’s bullsh*t about breaking up with Becca on national television, it genuinely seems like he made the right choice. Arie and Lauren are now married with a baby on the way, and it feels like they are happy together and committed to one another.

But just because we don’t have to suffer through watching their dates anymore doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. In fact, it looks like they’re now forcing Planet Earth to suffer through their dates instead. A couple days ago, Lauren posted this photo of her and Arie at Antelope Canyon, which is in Arizona. The canyon is famous for its smooth, wavy walls and narrow pathways, and it’s really beautiful. Lauren’s caption about not carrying herself/Arie not carrying her/idk is very confusing to me, but whatever, it’s a cute pic.

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Needed a little break from carrying @babyluyendyk & me around #29weekspregnant #LLxGI

A post shared by Lauren Luyendyk (@laureneburnham) on

Okay the caption is really still driving me crazy (like, is she implying that by carrying her, Arie is also carrying the baby? Because if that’s the case, I have an anatomy class I need her to sign up for), but other than that I wasn’t mad about the picture. But little did I know that Lauren’s cute pic was actually a photo of her disrespecting Mother Nature. People quickly pointed out in the comments that, because the canyon walls are so fragile, you’re not supposed to touch them. There’s actually a strict limit on how many people are allowed in Antelope Canyon each day, and you have to apply for a ticket months in advance. As you can clearly see, Lauren is standing on the wall, so she missed the “no touching” memo.

People quickly started dragging her in the comments, and to her credit, she actually did respond to one of them:

Okay, so I believe that Arie and Lauren didn’t realize she wasn’t supposed to touch the walls. They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed, and we all do dumb sh*t sometimes. What I do have a problem with, however, is that she turned off the comments on the photo, and (according to Reddit) deleted many of the negative ones that were already there. Oh Lauren, sweet Lauren. The apology seems just a little less sincere when you follow it up by blocking out all other criticism. The guys behind Fyre Festival learned this the hard way! I get that people can be brutal in the comments, but just turn off your notifications and let it happen this one time. Turning off comments on Instagram is never a good look.

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29 weeks! This week I’m the size of a butternut squash. It’s a bit of an odd shaped vegetable, but I’ll take it. Mom and Dad went on a road trip this week and I learned RV life is fun. It felt like I was on a little rollercoaster for the last few days. Well enough about them let’s talk about me. This week I’m actually dreaming in here when I sleep and let me tell you baby dreams are so random. I had this dream Mom and Dad met on a TV show, like when would that happen ??‍♀️. Also my little head is getting bigger to make room for my growing brain. Expect me to be more witty week by week ? Other than that Mom has been showing me off and she tells me she’s proud of me. All the feels ❤️ Chat again next week, love you guys!

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Also, in case you were wondering, Lauren is 29 weeks pregnant, which means we probably have less than three months to go before baby Luyendyk is here. Buckle up, because that baby’s Instagram account is only going to get more annoying from here on out.

Images: Shutterstock; @laureneburnham / Instagram (2); @babyluyendyk / Instagram

BREAKING: ‘Bachelor’ Stars Arie And Lauren Are About To Be Parents

Well, well, well. Just when I was about to sit down and actually do work without Bachelor Nation interrupting with some messy f*cking drama, E! News lets it slip that Arie and Lauren B ARE PREGNANT. That’s right, people, the most hated elderly race car driver in America and the female C3P0 he chose as his bride are expecting their first child together just months before they tie the knot in January.

This pregnancy news is low-key shocking because the couple literally got engaged six months ago. And if you’re bad at math, let me just put it to you this way: this time last year, Arie was most likely engaged to Becca while Lauren B was in the development stages somewhere in the basement of an ABC studio. AND NOW THEY’RE BRINGING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD TOGETHER. First baby Bekah and now Arie and Lauren? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Like, are none of these people using condoms anymore?? Or is that against ABC’s contract these days? What. Is. The. Truth.

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Will you accept this announcement? #TheBachelor's Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham are expecting their first child! Link in bio for their story about how they found out Lauren was pregnant. (????: Griffith Imaging)

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Lauren says she “kind of had a feeling” she might be pregnant, which leads me to believe that this baby was conceived after a single glass of red wine and Arie getting carried away with his fluttering hand gestures.

She also mentions that Arie has been doing “everything” for her since they found out she’s pregnant, which is definitely the angle she going to use when she pitches their relationship to their future kid. I can’t imagine she’d use their real “How We Met” story. Like, “well, honey, daddy dumped me for another woman on national television and then slide into my DMs three months later when he was still engaged to that other woman. It was just meant to be!!”

According to E! the January wedding is still going on as planned right after Colton’s season airs, lest they start 2019 without clinging to their relevancy. Mazel tov, though!!

The article doesn’t mention the baby’s due date, which feels a little suspicious and like something they definitely sold to to run when they’re low on content one month. But, if my calculations are correct, the baby will probs make its appearance right around the time Colton’s season wraps up. What fortuitous timing for them! I’m sure that wasn’t at all planned and ABC is definitely not paying them extra to go into early labor during After The Final Rose. Nope.

As far as baby names go, I already have a feeling I know exactly what they’ll name their kid. If it’s a boy, I’m sure they’ll go with Arie Luyendyk III to carry on Arie’s legacy of swallowing a woman’s mouth whole The Kissing Bandit. I can’t think of any other legacy that man could possibly pass on. And if it’s a girl, then I’m sure Lauren, being the unconventional, trendsetting woman we know and love, will want to go with something edgier, a little different. Like, Megan or Emily.  

In all seriousness we wish the couple all the best during this well-planned PR stunt very happy time in their lives! I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about this the second someone else in the Bachelor franchise wants to have their five minutes of fame. Kisses! 

Images: @enews /Instagram (1); Giphy (1)

All Of Arie Luyendyk Jr’s Cringiest Moments In Honor Of His Birthday

Today is a very special day, people! And, no, I’m not just saying that because this morning my barista told me I was “glowing” when, in fact, I looked more like a drowned street rat who had just crawled its way out of the subway. No, today is Arie Luyendyk Jr’s birthday! For those of you who aren’t familiar with who Arie is, congratulations on the full and happy life you’re living you’re not better than me. If you’ll recall, Arie was the down-on-his-luck runner-up from Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette who landed his own season of The Bachelor last year. And by “down on his luck” I mean clearly dating someone right before he was chosen to be the Bachelor. But, hey, everybody deserves a second chance at love! And since I can’t burn ABC studios to the ground for their choice in Bachelors like I’d like to, I guess I’ll just have to settle for roasting tf out of Arie for his bday. So here’s a little tribute to the guy who disgusts me so much that I’m happy to never interact with the male species again spend my Friday nights heating up mac n cheese for one. Happy birthday, Arie!

When He Dubbed Himself “The Kissing Bandit”

Boy, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall during this marketing meeting. ABC casually asks Arie what his best traits are, and the best thing he can come up with is using the right amount of tongue. You’ve got a real winner on your hands, Mike Fleiss! So basically we knew Arie’s season of The Bachelor  would be more disappointing than my Hinge matches when the first teaser they released of the season involved their bachelor dressed like the Hamburglar and suggestively puckering his lips at the camera. I think a yeast infection might be sexier than watching that on my TV screen, but to each their own.

When He Thought He Had Dance Moves

There’s literally nothing that could dry me up faster than watching this dude figure out how to do the cupid shuffle during the commercial breaks of How To Get Away With Murder, and yet, here we f*cking are. Look, I know ABC had a real uphill battle trying to make a man who’s old enough to be the adoptive father of several of the female contests *cough* Baby Bekah *cough, cough* seem like a genuine catch and not just the catch on To Catch A Predator, but MY GOD ABC this was not the way to do it.


When He Made The Women On His Season Drink Pee

It was a dark day in history when we watched beautiful, successful grown-ass women willingly down what they thought was urine like free shots of tequila so a man ON A DATE WITH TWELVE OTHER WOMEN might kind of like them. Ladies, we did not march for this! 

When He Stuck His Entire Fist Through Bekah M’s Hoop

I don’t even have anything to say here other than that watching Arie capitalize off of Bekah’s daddy issues by thrusting one feminine hand through her hoop earring on live television, is the reason I deleted all my dating apps for a week. Just saying.

When His Ideal Woman Turned Out To Be A Robot

Every year ABC feeds us a lot of bullsh*t about how the man they’ve picked to be the Bachelor is the cream of the crop: a hot, stand-up dude looking for a smart, driven, beautiful woman to spend forever with. Now, I’m not saying that Arie didn’t choose a great girl, but I’m also not not saying that that great girl wasn’t forged in a lab by ABC interns who googled “perfect lady traits” and came up with Lauren B. I guess things worked out for them, though, because they’re getting married this January in a private ceremony. And by “private” I mean 100 of their closest friends, family, ABC producers, and every major media outlet whose DMs Arie was able to slide into (not us, because we got blocked). But, you know, ever happiness to you both!

When He Filmed His Breakup On Live Television

Remember when Arie chose Becca and promised to choose her everyday for the rest of their lives together? And then the rest of their lives together was like three more days before he dumped her on a romantic getaway and filmed it? Ah, yes, good times let’s burn his house to the ground. 

So I guess what I’m saying here is happy birthday to everyone but Arie Luyendyk Jr. I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue! Bye!

IMAGES: ABC (2); Giphy (2)

Arie And Lauren Are Trying To Steal Becca’s Spotlight Again

In case you were ready for Arie Luyendyk Jr. and the advanced humanoid ABC hand-crafted in the Bachelor studio last season posing as his fiancée to finally fade into obscurity where they rightfully belong, think again! Because Arie and Lauren just announced their wedding date and location, officially bouncing back into the spotlight mere days before Becca’s season of The Bachelorette premieres. What fortuitous timing for them! Now, I’m not saying that Arie and Lauren were trying to steal Becca’s thunder by literally throwing their wedding in her face during a time that’s supposed to be all about HER and HER love story, but I’m also not not saying that Arie would miss an opportunity to fuck over his ex one last time. Ya know?

Sooo not only did he embarrass her on national TV and take that giant engagement ring back, but now he’s got rain on her parade less than one week before she DOES THE DAMN THING? And to those of you who are doubting if the timing of this announcement was, in fact, intentional, that’s like, so cute of you to think. Seriously, bless your heart. But you don’t think this announcement could have waited literally one more week? Like, if Arie and Lauren are soooo happy in their condo in Arizona, maybe they could have given Becca at least one week where the world isn’t talking about how happy her ex is. I mean, has the girl not suffered enough? Judging by that heinous lace blazer she wore in her latest promo, she’s been having a tough time of it. LET THE GIRL LIVE, ARIE! 

One more time for the people in back: YOU’RE TRASH, ARIE!

People reports that the happy couple are planning to get married in Hawaii on January 12th of next year. And, like, why you gotta do this to Hawaii? First, they’ve got to deal with Kilauea erupting and swallowing up their homes, and then as if that wasn’t enough, the world’s worst Bachelor of all time is going to bring his cardboard cutout bride there to desecrate the beautiful state some more with their limited vocabulary and backstabbing ways?

Sidenote: People, you’re embarrassing yourself rn. WHERE is your journalistic integrity? First, you decide to reward Ashley I and her eyelash extensions by releasing her 8th grade diary “The Story of Us” vlog where she humble brags about finally getting a boyfriend, and now this? What’s next? An in-depth look at the creative genius behind “Bitch, I’m Bella Thorne”?

#BITCHIMBELLATHORNE IS OUT NOW ???? when I rap is only time I spit

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Anyway, back to the wedding announcement that literally no one asked for. In an interview with The View, Arie said this about his upcoming nuptials:

“It’s in Maui — it’s at Haiku Mill which has this beautiful, old world feel with a lot of vines and greenery… It’s not your typical beach wedding. And it’s a private wedding, so not on TV — just a close group of friends. Probably 100 guests.”

Lol so it’s a private wedding and yet Arie announces on live fucking television the exact coordinates to the venue? I’m also assuming that the 100 or so “close group of friends” invited to the wedding include Arie and Lauren’s Instagram endorsement reps, beloved producers, a People magazine reporter, and most popular Bachelor cast mates. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Arie.

Also, I do not for one fucking second think this wedding will be anything but a typical beach wedding. For one, it’s in Hawaii, which as far as destination weddings go, is about as unique as Lauren’s vocabulary. Then there’s the fact that the couple getting married are Arie and Lauren, two people whose idea of a good time involves spending an evening watching their own Instagram stories and murmuring “love it” to each other from across the room. Yes, I’m sure I’ll be dazzled by the ceremony.

Well, fam, that’s all I have to report for now. We still have four whole days until Becca is set to have her moment in the sun, so I’m sure at least three more former Bachelor contestants will come forward to compete for her limelight. Fingers crossed Dean comes through to break my heart one more goddamn time!

Images: Getty Images; Giphy (2); bellathorne /Instagram (1)

Arie And Lauren Say ‘I Love That’ To A New House

It’s been less than two months since The Bachelor finale made us all want to punch our TVs, but it appears things are going well for Arie and Lauren, the least interesting couple in the history of relationships. They haven’t broken up yet, which is only mildly surprising, and this week they announced that they bought a house together in Arizona. Yay, wow, I’m so excited for them, what a wonderful couple. Ugh. When does Becca K’s season of The Bachelorette start?

I’m pretty sure you don’t need a refresher on what a douchebag Arie Luyendyk Jr. is, but let me quickly reiterate: he really fucking sucks. Nevertheless, Lauren, our favorite wooden doll, agreed to marry the pool noodle of a man who dumped her on national television (and then changed his mind). She has since moved across the country for him, and now they’ve invested in property together. Not to be cynical, but I feel strongly that every Bachelor couple should be together for a full year before making any major financial decisions together. Like, I’m sure they’re very in love, but we saw how that turned out with Nick and Vanessa, and pretty much ever other Bachelor couple for the past 15 years. Why do I watch this show again?

Gezellig ????

A post shared by Arie Luyendyk ???? (@ariejr) on

Like any good C-list couple, Arie and Lauren announced their exciting real estate news in an Us Weekly exclusive, because it’s all about earning that coin. They decided on the house after seeing almost 70 properties. Wow, Lauren is surprisingly picky about houses, considering that she apparently has literally no deal-breakers when it comes to choosing a man. The house is brand new, probably because when asked about the prospect of doing a remodel, Arie said, “Lauren was completely overwhelmed.” I mean, of course she was. That would’ve required her saying, like, words to contractors. Scary shit. Just imagine these two touring a house together:

Real estate agent: These counters are premium marble, imported from Tuscany.
Lauren: I love that.
Real estate agent: The master bathroom has a jacuzzi big enough for two.
Arie: Wow.
Real estate agent: This picture window has stunning views of the mountains in the distance.
Lauren: Oh. Pretty.

The house they settled on is 2,600 square feet, which is plenty of space for them to avoid each other at all times. Lauren sounds like she’s mainly excited about the house because it has space for the dogs. “Our dogs are very excited. They are each going to have their own room … I mean it does have four bedrooms.” I can’t tell if she’s being serious (I don’t get the sense that she’s downloaded the sarcasm expansion pack yet), but it’s extreme 2018 nonsense to give your dogs two separate bedrooms.

In the interview, Lauren also talks about her big move from Virginia Beach to Phoenix to be with Arie. She says it’s been a really easy adjustment for her, but I’m not buying it. Lauren is like that new girl in 10th grade who was in three of your classes but never said a word. Do you even remember that girl’s name? Elizabeth? Emily? Exactly. Lauren says she’s been “making friends,” but unless these friends are also only capable of speaking the words “wow” and “I love that”, I have a hard time believing she’s making a big social splash in Phoenix.

Anyway, Lauren says that “It has been fun exploring the area and Arie is a really good tour guide, so that helps.” Yikes, that sounds bleak. I can’t imagine anything worse than being forced to explore Phoenix, Arizona with fucking Arie Luyendyk Jr. as my tour guide. I’ll do the self-guided tour, thanks. Since moving, Lauren has started real estate school, so someday she’ll be able to sell homes with all the charisma of an index card.

I’m happy for her, truly. Hopefully we won’t have to hear much from Arie and Lauren until the inevitable awful wedding, because they’ll be so busy not talking to each other in their shiny new house. Works for me, because I’ll be busy watching the new trash Bachelor spin-off.

Images: @ariejr / Instagram; Giphy

Arie And Lauren’s Most Annoying IG Posts During Their So-Called ‘Hiatus’

I know, I know, y’all thought we were finally done talking about the most boring Bachelor season of all time. Well folks, I also thought that come springtime I would no longer get snowed on INSIDE the fucking subway platform, but we can’t always get what we want, can we? Anyway, when Arie and his animatronic fiancée, Lauren got engaged on After the Final Rose, it seemed that even they could sense the homicidal vibe in the audience and in my living room. So they announced that they would be taking a hiatus from social media, and Bekah M giggled maniacally to herself imagining all the extra Insta followers she would pick up in their absence. But the problem with casting dummies for a national reality TV show is that they most certainly don’t know the meaning of the word hiatus (it means a pause or gap, sweetie, look it up). Arie and Lauren have been posting on social media, and somebody needs to call them out on it.

Not only did the trash golden couple lie to us, but they have been extra af with their posts during this supposed hiatus. And look, I understand why they didn’t stop posting. Lauren definitely only went on the show for the Insta fame, and I’m sure she holds those 500,000 new followers close at night while she cries quietly to herself and wonders why she accepted a proposal from the poor man’s Zach Braff. And Arie has to keep posting because he heard that’s what millennials do. Lauren, she keeps him young. But, as I told my ex-boyfriend before I almost set his house on fire, I just don’t appreciate being lied to, okay? So, since I don’t want you to have to give up any precious follows to these morons, I’ve generously rounded up the most gag-worthy shit #Larie has posted on social media since their vow to take a break. You’re welcome.

It’s been magical, love. So sad to leave our little piece of heaven here in Barcelona. It’s been nothing short of amazing.???? @iberostar

A post shared by Lauren Burnham ???? (@laureneburnham) on

As Lauren would say, “wow.” What a beautiful and revolting shot. I guess Arie and Lauren didn’t get their fill of free vacations during the show, because this trip is clearly sponsored by the fancy hotel they’re staying in. Aren’t they supposed to indicate that, BTW? Isn’t not doing so illegal?

Me on the phone with Instagram rn:
Black Guy Phone Meme

Also, who took this photo for them? Did they drag some poor soul up to the roof of this hotel to watch the infamous kissing bandit tongue his second fiancée of the year? Just FYI Arie and Lauren, not everyone with a camera is there for you anymore. They could just be a tourist on a vacation they paid for themselves. Imagine!!

One of the top 5 coolest things I’ve ever done. Thanks for the rides @ariejr and @andrettimario ????

A post shared by Lauren Burnham ???? (@laureneburnham) on

Now we’ve gotten to the obligatory IndyCar photoshoot portion of Arie’s relationship. This post includes both a video and some pictures from the trip Arie and Lauren took to the race track. Not shockingly, all we hear Lauren say in the video is “so cool” and “thank you.” I’m impressed that she has expanded her vocabulary so much since the show! Snaps for Lauren.

I also find nothing more annoyingly nauseating than couples that dress alike. I don’t care if that’s some protective gear, I’d rather go up in flames than dress in the same outfit as my significant other. I also hate to break it to Lauren, but it seems like Arie might be recycling some more old moves. Yikes.

Arie And Lauren And Sydney

Becoming quite the Instagram fiancé. The view from the @iberostar rooftop is incredible

A post shared by Arie Luyendyk ???? (@ariejr) on

Nope. Nope. There is so much nope in this photo. First, Arie, the fact that you call yourself an “Instagram fiancé” actually made me throw up a little in my mouth. For the sake of transparency I will tell you I am quick to vomit, but this one is totally on him. Literally no one cool on the face of the earth has referred to themselves this way. Also, Lauren used this phrase on her own similar Insta post, so he clearly took this idea from her. It’s like that one time I told my dad that a friend’s wedding was going to be ratchet and he liked it so much that for the next week he described all his business meetings as ratchet. My dad was still cooler than Arie.

It also pisses me off that he posted this picture of Lauren pretending to eat cinnamon buns. Like, we all know that Lauren spontaneously combusts within 500 feet of any pastry—the sticky frosting would just clog up hear gears!—so you definitely Photoshopped that in. At least give me something I can believe.

Cold hands, warm hearts.????

A post shared by Lauren Burnham ???? (@laureneburnham) on

Okay, don’t you fucking DARE attempt to quote Friday Night Lights, Lauren. That show is sacred, and you’re ruining it for me. And Tim Riggins is MINE, even if he ran away from me on the street that one time.

Sorry, rage blackout over. Like every basic bitch I know, Arie and Lauren went to Iceland. I’d like to give a pat on the back to whoever does Iceland’s PR, because that country is literally more popular than Michael B. Jordan’s abs in Black Panther. And being a basic bitch myself, I’m super fucking jealous of this trip. *sips skinny vanilla latte*

So there’s your official roundup of the most annoying posts Arie and Lauren have put up since their social media break. There are a bunch of others, but I’ve decided to quit before I claw my eyes out. Check them out at your own risk, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Images: @laureneburnham, @arie jr / Instagram (4); knowyourmeme; Author

You Can Go On Vacation With Arie And Lauren For The Low Price Of $1,500

If you’re one of the two people in the world who doesn’t hate Arie Luyendyk Jr. with a fiery burning passion, I’ve got some exciting news for you. This summer, you can go on vacation with Arie and Lauren, and Maquel will be there too, because why the fuck not. The trip in question is a 6 day, 5 night stay in Bocas Del Toro, Panama, and a spot can be yours for just $1,499. Let’s analyze what this money gets you, and whether it’s worth suffering through for the better part of a week in the company of Arie, the human equivalent of elevator music, and a racist.

The company putting on the trip is called Adventure Hunt, and from their website, it looks like most of their trips are actual treasure hunts. As in, you pay to go on the trip, and then they literally plan Amazing Race style challenges for you. I’m sorry, but if I’m spending my hard-earned money to go somewhere with a beach, I will be parking my ass on the beach. Don’t give me shit to do, that’s not what vacation is for. The Arie and Lauren trip isn’t like this, because I guess getting to hang with Arie is enough of a prize by itself. Ew.

Don’t forget to enter the giveaway 5 posts back! Only 2 days left until we choose the winner! ???????? • • • • ????: @couplesthatadventure #travel #adventurehunt #adventure #treasurehunt #finishersarewinners #beautifuldestinations #travelawesome #welivetoexplore #earthpix #wonderfulplaces #tourtheplanet #travelogue #travels #travelguide #traveling #adventuretime #epic #adventurer #travelgram #traveltheworld #beach #giveaway #man #women #point #sand #water #sky #clouds #wow

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In the six days in paradise (not that kind), the scheduled activities include a zip-line tour, scuba diving, and cave exploration. They say that in the cave, you can “see hundreds, even thousands of bats,” which, while horrendous, still might be better than a one-on-one date with Arie. Every day of adventure is capped off with a group dinner. I love that. JK. I’m sorry, but I’m not dropping $1,500 so I can go hang out with a bunch of strangers who actually think Arie and Lauren are a fun couple. Fuck this mess of a trip.

While it’s easy to say that having to be in the same room with Arie is the worst part of this vacation, it gets worse. For $1,500, this shit isn’t even close to all-inclusive. You’re responsible for your own flights and transportation, and it doesn’t stop there. Other than the aforementioned group dinners, there’s no food provided, and you also have to pay for all beverages besides water. Like, pardon me? Am I supposed to call an Uber to take me to the local Panama liquor store so I can be sufficiently buzzed before my first time meeting Arie and Lauren? There are also 50 spots open for the trip, meaning that you’ll be stuck on this godforsaken trip with FORTY-NINE OTHER PEOPLE. I’m sorry, you’re telling me I’m paying a cool grand and a half for this shit, and I don’t even get to hang out with Arie and Lauren alone? This sounds like the fucking worst group date ever.

Imagine Scary Island from season three of RHONY, but boring and with Arie there. You do not want to go on this trip. Buuuut if you do, please get Maquel wasted so she’ll tell you trashy stories about Arie and Lauren and her first marriage, and then let us know. Also, Arie, Lauren, and Maquel haven’t even mentioned the trip on their Instagrams, so how do we even know this is legit? I feel like this is one of those “subject to change” things, where Arie will probably sign up for some race car thing the same week and have to pull out last minute. Actually, it might be better if he didn’t come. Meanwhile, someone please plan a trip with Bekah M. and Kendall and all of our favorites, so we can actually have something to look forward to. Oh, and one more time before I go, fuck Arie.

Images: / Instagram; Giphy

Arie’s Breakup With Becca Was More Messed Up Than We Thought

Now that The Bachelor has ended and we are all in shock about what a piece of SHIT he is—I’m sorry, by “shock” I mean, we all fucking knew but he further proved it—there is only one remaining question. Exactly when did all of this shit happen? From the episode, it seemed like Arie proposed to Becca, popped the Champagne, had a romantic weekend getaway, and then was like, “You know, I’ve fucked you enough times now, so I’m going to go fuck Lauren instead.” But then during After the Final Rose, Chris and the women kept throwing out dates. Chris said, “a few weeks later”, the girls said over a month. So when exactly did this destruction occur? How long did Arie Needledick wait until proposing to another woman? How many times can you realistically do that in a month? Let’s break it down. We did some Pulitzer prizeworthy investigation to bring you a timeline of Arie and Lauren’s relationship.

September 2017: The Bachelor begins filming. Becca and Lauren meet the man who is going to ruin their lives.

November 2017: Filming wraps up. Becca is happy and engaged. Lauren is either heartbroken or completely thrilled. It’s hard to tell because she is a soulless void, so I guess she just resumed being soulless but now at her house instead of on television.

December 2017: Arie begins creeping on Lauren by liking her Instagram photos. It’s literally like he took fuckboy lessons. Step 1. Slide into the DMs. Step 2. Ruin her life. What’s even weirder? He wasn’t even following Lauren at the time! This was a haunting the likes of which we have never seen.

So the proposal with Becca took place mid-end of November. They get a few days to themselves in Peru, then they come home, and by then it’s December and Arie is already seeking out our favorite robot. Classy.

But shit really hits the fan on NYE, when Arie, who is STILL FUCKING ENGAGED, officially reaches out to Lauren-a-Tron 2000, saying he wants “to talk”. I’m sure it opened with a “u up?” text at 3am. Unfortunately for Becca and Bachelor Nation, Lauren was, in fact, up.
Arie And Lauren's Relationship
January 2018: Does Arie happen to tell Becca he’s over it? Of course not, that would be the right thing to do. However, he did manage to tell a bunch of people that they broke up before it happened. This is part of what made Caroline so absolutely furious with him—Caroline heard about the breakup through Canadian Bachelor Brad Smith, with whom they share a mutual friend. So Caroline calls Becca, who has no idea what she’s talking about.
Then, mid-January, THAT was when Arie finally called up Chris Harrison and the film crew to brutally and grotesquely dump her in front of America. Because “they need to see it”, says dream date Arie. If you pause your TV at the right moment, you can actually see her heart breaking. Great TV, Arie, nice thinking. The next day, he flew to meet up with Lauren.
The. Next. Fucking. Day.
And Lauren was like, “Oh good, you’re not engaged as of 12 hours ago. When are you going to propose to me?”
Feburary 2018: Caroline, our justice vigilante, tells Arie she knows what he did at Women Tell All.
Caroline Lunny
 March 2018: Arie proposes to Lauren, as now that all of America knows what kind of ball-less wonder he is, his chances of getting another chick to fuck him are pretty low. “I really the way you don’t say anything and it’s almost like you’re not there,” says Arie in his proposal. (I may have paraphrased.) I’m sure he also really liked that if he did it then, he wouldn’t have to pay for the ring. Considering his success as a race car driver, I kind of get that part.
Becca runs screaming from Arie’s octopus-like arms and into her future as the Bachelorette.
Becca Bachelorette So, their engagement lasted almost two months. Arie was truly faithful for about two weeks. Lauren overlapped—at least emotionally (do nudes count as physical cheating?)—for a couple weeks.
I’m sure all of this will work out perfectly for Arie and Lauren. Can’t wait until they reproduce and create the world’s dullest children. Cheers to the happy couple!