Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m not Betch Waldorf. But I am loyal viewer of Pretty Little Liars if only because the limit to the Liars’ stupidity does not exist. Though it does give me hope that if I’m pretty enough and skinny enough I, too, can evade multiple murder charges. That being said, I’m pleased to finally use my useless knowledge of a tween TV show for something, since none of my friends will discuss it with me anymore now that they’ve hit puberty.
Anyway, I’ll skip the pleasantries and get right to the good shit. Last week Aria officially joined AD’s team, Mona looked sketchy AF, and Caleb and Hanna
fornicated in the woods got engaged. Now that the scene’s set let’s talk about this week’s episode or, rather, another Tuesday that I spent suspending reality for Marlene King’s financial gain:
AT ALI’S HOUSE
Well isn’t this fucking cozy. Emily’s like “you look so beautiful in the morning” and Alison’s just like “I know Em, you have a big lesbian crush on me.” We all know, Em.
Emily’s trying to get laid even though Alison, the “pregnant one” (I call bullshit. I’ve used that line before too, Alison!), just fell down a flight of stairs five minutes ago. Like, Emily, she does not need the healing power of your vagina; she needs actual medical attention.
THANK GOD this shit gets broken up by the cops. I get uncomfortable in the presence of happiness. Rosewood PD looks like they might actually be doing their jobs for once because they show up at Aria’s house too. Weird.
Anddd the Liars lost the fucking game again. It’s like, no wonder you have enemies everywhere. You’re constantly losing other people’s shit and lying about it. This would get you off the Christmas card list in my mother’s house.
AT ROSEWOOD PD
Spencer is coming in hot to the police station. No, seriously. She looks v hot. She definitely thinks she can she can get the upper hand on this whole search warrant thing if only she can get five minutes alone with Hot Cop. It’s a solid plan.
Spencer: Where is Hot Cop? No reason, just wondering?
The look on Spencer’s face when she realizes she can’t sleep her way out of this one is priceless.
Oh shit it looks like Detective Hot Cop recused himself from the case. Finally someone with fucking morals is on this show. It’s getting more and more evident that the Liars can’t just, like, lie or murder someone or get one of their mothers to sleep with the lead detective on the case to get out of criminal charges. Bummer.
Spencer, at a total loss of words, exits the conversation with a comeback a preteen would use when their mom won’t extend their data plan: “I’d say it’s nice to meet you but under the circumstances…”
The New Detective is unfazed. She’s just like “I’m a closer, Spencer. I close people.” Spencer is five seconds away from adding New Detective to her burn book aka how I handle unpleasant confrontations as well.
Meanwhile, shit just got real for Aria because the police are in her house and thiiis close to discovering Mr. Fitz and Aria weren’t just “friends” in high school. I think your cover’s been blown on that one for a while now. You forget this is Rosewood, Aria, no one sleeps with anyone unless they’re below the legal age limit.
Aria finds a cell phone in an air vent because of fucking course that’s the one place Rosewood PD wouldn’t search DURING THEIR SEARCH WARRANT. Just when I was starting to have some respect for them, too. Seriously, though AD needs to take her talents elsewhere. She’s too good to be torturing morons in Pennsylvania.
IN THE FANCIEST HOTEL SUITE IN ROSEWOOD
The Liars are gathered in the fanciest hotel suite in Rosewood trying to figure out why the fuck the police are actually doing their jobs. Everyone is looking at Spencer like “we thought you
slept with Hot Cop took care of this.”
Spencer pretends like she didn’t fail at being a secret hoe and hands out
ancient artifacts flip phones. And Hanna can not go five fucking seconds without complaining about the shitty replacement phone and how annoying it is that her old one is being used as evidence in a murder trial. Hanna is me.
Meanwhile, Emily is just like “I SLEPT WITH ALISON.”
Even pregnant Alison is still the biggest fuckboy in the room. Respect.
Hanna finds another cell phone from AD in their room service (seriously they have room service?? Wtf they are the most blessed murder suspects ever). No one makes a comment about Hefty Hanna finding something in the food. Seems like a missed opportunity tbh.
AD continues to make threats and honestly I’m bored. I’m
on my period in the mood to watch something burn so for the love of God can something happen this episode please.
This is interesting though: AD offers them a way out, one Liar has to plead guilty so the rest can go free or else they all go to jail. They all just sit there with their thumbs up their asses until Mona shows up to set these bitches straight. Mona tries to tell them that they have a snitch in their midst and the Liars are just like:
Mona: Have you noticed how ARIA’S not here and that ARIA is always missing when shit goes down?
Mona: Jesus fucking Christ ARIA IS ON AD’S TEAM.
I know, Mona, it’s v frustrating when you’re the only one with brain cells in the room. Come sit on the couch, it’s better over here.
LOL Toby’s beard. Very clever, Marlene King, what a unique way to show that he’s grieving. His grief might be more convincing, though, if he weren’t eye-fucking Spencer rn.
We cut back to Aria who looks sketchy AF running into the woods for an AD errand. Aria, didn’t your mother ever tell you that nothing good happens to girls after 10pm in Rosewood?
The Liars are SHOCKED that Aria, the dumbest, skinniest girl in their squad, could possibly be smart enough to work against them. And, like, same girls. I am shook.
The Liars are losing their shit all over Aria, it’s honestly like a scene out of Animal Kingdom. Aria attempts to justify her actions by pointing out that every single one of them is a sneaky bitch too. Well played.
Aria: Spencer, do you remember that one time you kidnapped a child because A told you to? You’re not better than me.
And Spencer is confused because, no, she does not remember the child she kidnapped.
Okay, whoa. Spencer is being v judgmental rn. Like, no one’s said shit about your bangs all season so can’t you find in your heart to forgive Aria for maybe conspiring to set you up for murder?
Also, is it just me or is Spencer acting like a 15-year-old girl this entire episode?
Spencer: Aria, you’re the reason my parents are getting a divorce!
Aria: Is it that or the fact that your dad has multiple extra-marital affairs and a slew of illegitimate children?
Me watching all of this shit go down:
New Detective, who I just realized is not new at all but is in fact a crucial character we’ve seen before, brings all the Liars in to the
principal’s office police station and tries to scare them straight. Honestly, what does she expect to happen here? They come clean? Nice try detective, but there are still two more episodes before this series wraps up. If you think they’re confessing before 8:59pm on June 27th you’re crazier than Mary Drake.
And Spencer throughout this entire shakedown looks like she could not give one single fuck. Spencer is me.
Aria is having some sort of meltdown in her car because her friends won’t let her sit with them anymore at the
Plastic’s table precinct. I continue to be constantly amazed by A/AD’s technological prowess. Like HOW did she figure out a way to hijack the phone and make it impossible for Aria to hang up?? And also where can I get one of those? Asking for a friend who needs to set a fuckboy straight…
Tbh I’m starting to think AD is really Steve Jobs back from the dead. Calling it now. Seems more plausible that Steve would cryogenically freeze himself and come back to torment teenagers in PA than Ali being impregnated with Emily’s eggs. Just saying.
The Liars are back in the world’s fanciest hotel suite and they still have to figure out who to send to jail. While they’re trying to figure this out they realize every one of them has kidnapped/threatened/driven the getaway car/actually murdered someone. Seriously, someone please lock these bitches up before they hurt another
potential A/AD suspect innocent bystander.
Spencer leaves to go realize some stuff. Perhaps she’ll realize she should get rid of those bangs.
She realizes herself all the way to Aria’s place. And she’s like “you’re right I did steal that kid one time. I just remembered.”
Hell is about to freeze over because Spencer is this close to saying “I’m sorry” but then the detectives bust in with all of Aria’s shit. She’s been cleared for the murder and is not a suspect anymore. Spencer is PISSED.
Ezra, in an attempt to make his character matter, calls Aria out on all her shady bullshit lately.
Ezra: Seriously, you’re acting way shadier than that one time I was hanging out with my ex-fiancée behind your back.
Oh shit. He knew Aria tried to call him a pedophile. AND he still wants to marry her. That’s love right there.
Ezra wants to be “open and honest” with Aria now. And she’s just like, “Sure, let’s talk. But first…”
Tbh I’ve never been more proud of Aria than in this moment. It took you 50 seasons and every Tuesday since my senior year of high school but you’re finally
using your vagina to your advantage acting smart. *slow claps*
Hanna and Caleb are last-minute getting married because, as Caleb reminds Hanna, they might be going to jail soon and if they get married they don’t have to testify against each other in court. Hanna looks like she might cream her pants at the suggestion because nothing says everlasting love like a built-in alibi.
Meanwhile, everyone is hooking up. I see a theme here. Hanna and Caleb. Aria and Ezra. Ali and Emily in a graveyard on the ground. And none for
Gretchen Weiners Spencer. BYE.
Wait, spoke too soon. Spencer hits up Toby because his wife just died three minutes ago and now she can officially move in on Yvonne’s man. Spencer, never change.
Like, was she wearing that sexy of an outfit before? Or did she change to
steal your man seduce Toby?
Okay Caleb and Hanna’s wedding is actually really cute. I’m not crying. You’re crying.
Though Marlene King will be receiving a SCATHING letter from me for throwing this scene in with a sex montage. Like, I’ve been watching this show since before I could legally drink. The least you could do is give me an actual fucking wedding scene. THE LEAST.
BACK AT ALI’S HOUSE
All the Liars swear they won’t be mad if one of them throws the others under the bus. Ali is suspiciously silent. Spencer smashes the cell phone which is probs what they should have done, like, six fucking episodes ago.
Meanwhile, Aria is back to being a dumbass and threatens AD that she’ll go to the cops. Like, WHY would you tell AD your plan?? Have you learned nothing in the last one hundred years this show has been going on? Just when I thought you had a brain. I blame this decision-making slip on the fact that she’s probably hungry AF. Her entire body mass is equivalent to one of my thighs. You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, are you Aria?
Caleb and Ezra track down the game’s signal to Mona’s place. Mona is acting extra fucking creepy this episode. And if it comes out that Mona is A AGAIN I will lose my goddamn mind.
The episode ends with Aria finding a body in the trunk of her car just as the cops show up. Lol, have fun in prison, Aria. Don’t drop the soap!
We’re only halfway through the final season of Pretty Little Liars and, in true Freeform fashion, it’s already a shit storm riddled with plot holes. In case you were
living your best life missed it, the Liars are currently being tortured by a Jumanji-like game that forces them to do millennial Fear Factor challenges such as talking to your ex. The horror. Also, Allison is now pregnant with Emily’s baby. So there’s that. And those aren’t even the most ridiculous plot lines that have been featured on this godforsaken show. That being said, I have swallowed a lot of bullshit from Marlene King over the years in the spirit of moving the plot forward, and as the series comes to close I thought I’d talk shit air my grievances about every plot line that I just could not even with.
1. Ezra & Aria’s Entire Relationship
I’ll start with Aria aka the Liar with the most unfortunate wardrobe stylist. Let’s put aside the fact that a 16-year-old is fucking her high school English teacher in local bar bathrooms. (Where are the parents??) But eventually everyone finds out about this torrid affair and no one is like “hmm this seems slightly illegal and highly inappropriate should I, like, report this shit to the cops?” Instead, Aria’s parents are just like “do you kids need snacks? A condom?” I’m telling your rn if this took place in New York, Olivia Benson would not stand for this shit. NOPE.
(A deleted scene from ‘Pretty Little Liars’)
2. Spencer’s Pill Addiction
I love when Freeform subtly tries to take a stance on issues. Just say no to drugs, kids. Not teachers having sex with minors or being sexually assaulted by your step-sister or blinding your neighbors for looking at you funny, but drugs. That will really fuck with you. All that other stuff you can bounce back from no problem.
3. The Underground Kidnapping
That one time A managed to single-handedly kidnap five girls from police custody and bring them to an underground bunker rigged with alarms and death traps. Single. Handedly. Tbh A’s cyber/kidnapping/medical skills are something I would imagine Olivia Pope would recruit asap to her gladiator group. A, you need to quit torturing high school girls and take your talent somewhere it’s truly appreciated. Like DC.
4. A’s Financial Status
How the fuck did A manage to come up with the massive amount of money needed to fund all of her schemes? It’s revealed the CeCe/Charles/Charlotte (I’ll get to this later) is actually A, but the only job A/CeCe seems to have throughout the show is a retail job at some nameless boutique. Bitch is working minimum wage and after taxes, rent, and credit card debt (I assume, look at that wardrobe) she still manages to somehow have enough money to spend on underground bunkers and medical benefits for her A Gang? Like, is Russia funding this too?? Marlene King, I demand answers.
Ah, my favorite forgotten plot line. There were, like, ghosts and shit that were out to get Hanna because of course everything is about Hanna. So Caleb left the show to protect her but then came back with a bad haircut and a low-key drinking problem (sounds just like the summer after freshman year tbh) and no one talks about the ghosts and shit ever again.
5. The Liars’ Post-College Careers
Anybody else notice that these girls got extremely high-paying glamorous AF jobs right out of college? Like, not a shitty internship or a weird temp agency period among them. Nobody had to freelance or be a waitress at a sports bar for a summer while they save up enough money to start their blog or anything. Except Emily, of course. Flunking out of college and selling your eggs on eBay seems about right.
6. And Furthermore, Who Would Give Alison A Teaching License?
Okay, this girl literally spent her entire high school career on the run from a vindictive stalker and you’re trying to tell me that not only did she graduate on time, but she convinced a college to give her an education degree? Also, is this not the same girl who liked blackmailing her friends to “feel close to them” and could eviscerate teenage girls with a single look? But, like, yeah let’s give her a degree to work with sensitive teenagers.
(How I imagine Alison responds to one of her students asking for an extension on an assignment.)
7. Ezra’s Novel
Lol. That one time Ezra pretended like he was only spying on a bunch of underage high school girls for the sake of his “true crime” novel. AND EVERYONE JUST ACCEPTED THAT.
8. That Spencer’s Dad Is A Fuckboy
Well, it’s not totally unbelievable that he’s a fuckboy. He wears crew neck sweaters, has a high paying job, and emotionally sabotages any female he comes into contact with. So, like, I’d hit that. What’s most unbelievable is that not only does he cheat on his wife with anyone who has a vagina, but he cheats on his wife with his mistress’ TWIN SISTER and doesn’t fucking realize it. And I thought Tinder was bad. Also, who’s hoping that the series final reveals the biggest plot twist of all, that Mr. Hastings is the father of all the Liars?? Seems plausible.
9. The Adults of Rosewood
Not a plot line, just something I feel strongly about. While their kids are off hunting psychos in stylish red coats, I assume the parents of Rosewood’
s finest dumbest are just like:
10. That Jason May Or May Not Have Slept With His Sister
Thought I forgot about this cluster fuck of a plot line, didn’t you? But no, I never forget an incest story—it’s too horrifyingly fascinating. Freeform really shit the bed when they realized that 4 seasons earlier they made Jason date his transgender sister Charlotte, which you would think would deter them from this awful transgender revenge reveal, but I guess someone in their office is cool with incest.
11. When A Was Revealed As CeCe Drake/Charles/Charlotte
Which brings me to this big reveal. I honestly just feel like the writer’s room was in a panic when they came up with this twist. That or they made a bet about how much bullshit PLL viewers would be willing to swallow. Which is apparently a lot since I’m here writing this article today. Sighs. I just felt like Charlotte’s whole reasoning for years of unrelenting blackmail and torture was a bit weak. Like, the entire premise behind the show was this: “I love Ali and you guys were a little mean to her one time SO NOW YOU ALL MUST PAY.” Which is actually how I handle all of my best friends’ breakups but that’s neither here nor there.
12. And Finally: Why Didn’t They Call The Cops After Episode One
I have so many questions for the Liars about this, but mostly I just want to ask them this one:
Last night Pretty Little Liars returned and so did my will to live. And while I love finding out how A will torture these losers next (who wants to bet it involves A replaying “Can’t Stop the Feeling” over and over again?), I cannot WAIT to see what ABC Family—excuse me, Freeform—is calling “fashion” this season. I’ve sat through a lot of bullshit over the years *cough* ARIA *cough*. And while most of the characters’ fashion choices were hard to watch, they did serve their purpose as great fodder for my PLL group chat.
So thanks for the memories, Freeform. Because of you I thought chunky accessories were cool for far longer than I should have. That was great for my personal growth. And in honor of the final season, here’s a look back at the best and worst PLL fashion moments:
Anything They Made Aria Wear Ever
I really wanted to like Aria. She’s supposed to be the edgy, artsy, tortured soul of the group. I live in Brooklyn so, like, I can sympathize. But instead of seeing some cool street fashion to inspire the Instagram stories of high school try-hards, we got this:
Who else feels personally victimized by this pageboy cap? Just me? K. Like, are we to believe that this is the look of someone who could seduce their teacher? Seriously? I’m not buying what you’re selling, Freeform.
The Liars’ Funeral Attire: The Early Years
Do the leis seem a little too casual for the funeral of a friend who was murdered? Anyone? Like, no wonder Mona came back from the dead. Obvi to seek revenge on the moron that gave out hideous leis at her funeral.
The Hoedown Outfits
If I’m being honest, the themed dances could have had their own article, but that’s for another time. Maybe on a darker day when we really need a pick-me-up. For now, we’ll just address this monstrosity:
I’m not even sure what happened in this episode but I’m certain someone died/was maimed/ended up in the hospital because that always happens at any school sanctioned events these girls show up at, but I can’t even focus on the carnage that may or may not have happened in this episode because my eyes are blinded by these rodeo hoe outfits. All I can say is these bitches are lucky they didn’t pull this shit in college. If someone showed up to my sorority’s cowboy themed mixer in THAT getup they would not be returning, that’s for damn sure.
The Chunky Belts
You couldn’t forget these outfit staples even if you wanted to because Freeform made it their personal mission to make chunky belts happen. The belts could have been their own character on the show for how much sabotage they were playing in the girls’
lives style. While A was, like, threatening to tell their parents that they were fucking teachers and blinding other members of the student body, the belts were low-key trying to ruin their social lives.
Ah, to be a fly on the wall of the PLL stylist’s room. Like, where was Tim Gunn to tell the designers to please use the Aldo styling wall THOUGHTFULLY?? Make it work.
Emily’s Sporty Styling
It’s like they’re trying to say something by always putting Emily in the butchiest outfits they can find. Hmm maybe it’s the flannel…
Or the camo….
Or her T-shirt, cut-off jean jacket combo…
Oh, got it. She’s a lesbian. Thanks for making that clear, Freeform.
The Mom Chic Look
Who else is worried by Alison’s outfit choices these days? It’s like ever since Ali came back from the dead she decided to forgo her Regina George status as ruler of Rosewood High and instead started dressing like a PTA mom. And, like, a PTA mom who isn’t very popular. I mean does this look like the same girl who could emotionally eviscerate you with one look? Does it??
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Alison is like that girl from high school that you still stalk from time to time on Facebook. She used to be hot but the passage of time has stolen both her beauty and style. Now you only look at her FB page to feel better about the fact that you’d never be caught dead in those mom jeans. It’s really the little things in life.
The Use of Mixed Prints
Surprise, surprise. Aria makes the list again. This look was obviously designed to give A seizures and provide a brief respite from torture for our little liars. A bold move, Cotton. Unfortunately, this look only tortured us.
The Liars’ Funeral Attire: The Later Years
I want to hate on this look but I can’t. Every single one of them is slaying, even the has-been Ali in her Mormon-chic dress over there. I’m not sure if I want to befriend them or report them for dress code violation, but with way they are killin’ it.
But no one was fucking trendier than A. From her all-black ensemble and leather gloves to her thirst for gossip and vengeance, she set the bar high. And tbh after writing this article I’m understanding more and more why she’d want to take down these losers. You do you, girl.
Read: A Definitive Ranking Of The ‘Pretty Little Liars’ Characters