2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
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1 year ago we had the best wedding. Wish I could live this day over and over 🤍🕊
It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
Hate to break it to all of you festival enthusiasts and influencers trying to make an honest living off using filters to get likes, but it looks like Alienstock, the party scheduled at Area 51 the day of the pretend raid, is just Fyre Festival 2.0. Yesterday, a mere 11 days before Alienstock was set to welcome 10,000+ people to the tiny town of Rachel, Nevada, the event creator, Matty Roberts, has pulled out. The music festival was created after Matty’s joke Facebook event “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop Us All” went viral and he freaked out, deciding it probably wasn’t a good idea to ask 3.5 million people to try and fight the U.S. Government to catch a glimpse of possible aliens. The festival was set to take place on the same weekend and in the same town of Rachel, NV where Matty originally had intended the world to storm Area 51.
Matty had enlisted the help of Rachel native and owner of the only restaurant/bar/hotel in town, Little A’Le’Inn, (lol I can’t) Connie West, to help get everything in order in the tiny town of only 56 permanent residents. The town had concerns about people not realizing how off the grid they really are, with the nearest gas station being 46 miles away and the nearest emergency room 80 miles away. If anything went wrong, help wouldn’t be so quick to come. Matty started getting concerned when Connie didn’t provide proof of anything she had agreed to provide to him, including contracts, proof of deposits, or paper proof of literally anything.
Alienstock was advertised as an alien-themed party in the desert, with EDM music, art installations, surprise performances, and camping. With the organizer dropping out, it seems logical to conclude there’s no way this is happening. The Alienstock website features the disclaimer: “Due to the lack of infrastructure, poor planning, risk management and blatant disregard for the safety of the expected 10,000+ AlienStock attendees, we decided to pull the plug on the festival. The permit holder (Connie West) was given multiple opportunities to provide us with the proof that things expected at this festival were in place. In fact, she refused to provide to us, as agreed upon, contracts, proof of deposits or any paper proof of anything.” The site adds, “We are not interested in, nor will we tolerate any involvement in a FYREFEST 2.0. We foresee a possible humanitarian disaster in the works, and we can’t participate in any capacity at this point.”
However, Connie has no intention of Alienstock not happening. Even though Matty has announced a one-day party in Downtown Las Vegas instead during the same weekend as Alienstock, with amenities like a green pool and a 40-foot-flying saucer, Connie thinks they’ll still be welcoming 10,000 people to her restaurant/hotel/inn…pictured below:
Connie insists she was blindsided by Matty’s removal, claiming he texted her at 3am saying he’s out of the festival along with his partner, event producer Frank DiMaggio, and now she’s out nearly $18,000 from a non-refundable security deposit. She plans on pursuing Matty and Frank through the legal system to get back money she claims to have already spent on the festival. She goes on to say she expects to break even with merchandise, parking fees (that run anywhere from $40/day to $1,000/weekend), camping spot rentals, and through performances she’s allegedly secured from 20 musicians and two comedians. (Did she book them through the Fyre app?)
However, If you go to the Alienstock festival website, there’s seemingly no way to buy tickets for the original 3-day event in the desert—only an RSVP button to the free event in Vegas. According to the Alienstock Facebook, there are currently 613 people attending the Bud Light sponsored event in Vegas, slightly less than the 2 million that originally set out to raid Area 51. While brave festivalgoers can still buy parking and camping passes to Connie’s desert Alienstock, it really seems like a bad idea, kids! I’m sure if all those Fyre Fest people could go back in time and go to a free one-day event sponsored by Bud Light, I’m sure they would. After all, at least Bud Light contains drinkable water.
Images: Giphy; Google Maps (3)
So you might have been aware (because of the memes) that over the weekend, a bunch of people made a big production about going to Area 51 to break out the aliens. If you’re like me, you’re probably asking yourself, “what the actual f*ck is everyone going on about?”. (Things I say to myself most time a new internet trend emerges, tbh.) But don’t worry, I’m here to break down everything that popped off over the weekend, so you don’t have to sort through a bunch of Twitter threads. Here’s what’s going on with Area 51.
What The F*ck Is Area 51?
Fucking hilarious to me that the Area 51 meme has gotten to a point where without a doubt there has been a military meeting somewhere with some very high ranking officials sitting down and going…. “Okay but seriously what are we going to do about this?” pic.twitter.com/v3aQGHyRjh
— H҉o҉v҉a҉ ? (@JahovasWitniss) July 15, 2019
If you didn’t already know, Area 51 is The United States Air Force base in the desert of Nevada. Allegedly, it contains top secret information on extraterrestrial phenomena, and people believe there could be UFOs, aliens, and remains of such. Basically it sounds like the plot of Stranger Things. The base was featured in the 1996 film Independence Day as an alien testing laboratory, but the government rejects any sort of extraterrestrial activities. But still, there are people who believe the government is lying to us and there really are aliens at Area 51—just like there are people who believe we didn’t land on the moon.
What’s Up With The Facebook Group?
Upwards of 600,000 people have joined the event “Storm Area 51, they can’t stop all of us” which joins people together to invade the air force base on September 20th in hopes of seeing any sort of extraterrestrial paraphernalia. Over 600,000 people? That’s more followers than many influencers have on Instagram. That’s a lot of f*cking people. The event description says, “We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry” and that “If we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Lets see them aliens.” A little more intense than your typical birthday celebration Facebook event description, wouldn’t you say? “Naruto run” is based on the Japanese manga character, Naruto Uzumaki, who runs with his head down and and arms arms stretched out behind. Kind of like how that one weird kid from your high school would run through the halls. I imagine this event would play out like a walk of shame, except you’re not hungover in your clothes from the night before, and instead of avoiding anyone you know, you’re avoiding the government. But really, the first clue that this event is not serious is the sentence that claims people can outrun bullets just be emanating a manga character. But as we know, people on the internet are f*cking idiots and this event is being taken seriously. Which brings me to my next point…
The Government Is Always Watching
The government ready and waiting for everyone storming Area 51 pic.twitter.com/U98wrutx7X
— notanothertruecrimepod (@NATCpod) July 15, 2019
Apparently this event was a joke, but we all know there’s a little truth behind every “JK”, and consequently, the government has gotten involved. Air Force spokesperson Laura McAndrews said, “ is an open training range for the US Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces.” They would discourage it? That’s like my best friend telling me that she discourages me from drunk texting my ex. Am I gonna do it anyway? Yes. Does her telling me not to do it only make me that much more determined to disregard her advice? Also yes. McAndrews also says that “The US Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets,” which to me feels like code for “you’re gonna get shot if you try to go in there”. Are the “assets” extraterrestrial activities? Is ET real? How much longer until this event is sponsored? Is this going to be the next Fyre Festival? Either way, this has brought us great memes, so that’s all that really matters.
To recap, you should not try to storm Area 51. If Stranger Things taught us anything, it’s that breaking into a highly protected government building to find some aliens is only going to f*ck up your life. If you’re going to actually spend the money on a plane ticket to go to Nevada, you’re probably better off going to Vegas, where you would likely see weirder sh*t anyway. Luckily for the government, everybody knows that only about 1/3 of people who respond “yes” to Facebook events end up actually attending, so they probably don’t have much to worry about.
Images: JahovasWitniss, NATCpod / Twitter
If you’re like me, you probably don’t spend a ton of time thinking about aliens. I don’t have any proof that they’re not real, but the whole idea of UFOs crashing in the desert has always seemed a little unrealistic to me. But just because I don’t care about aliens doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy memes about aliens. Over the past week, a Facebook event promising to raid the top-secret military base at Area 51 has gone totally viral, it’s pretty much the weirdest, funniest thing happening on the internet right now.
The event is scheduled for September 20, but it’s unclear if anyone is actually planning to show up. Over a million people have RSVPed, but the US Air Force has advised people against trying to storm an active military base. I can’t imagine why they would have an issue with this! While the details of the event are a little confusing, the memes have been amazing. Here are some of the best ones.
So my mom said she can take us to area 51 or pick us up, but she's not doing both.
— duo (@duolingous) July 13, 2019
I’m having visceral flashbacks to arguing with my mom over how much she was willing to drive my ass around. My mom would definitely have nothing to do with this nonsense, though.
the aliens at #Area51 waiting for the we outside text pic.twitter.com/3ZVywYKtg7
— Sabrina??? (@idkhonestlyok) July 12, 2019
Okay but this is literally me. I’m cursed with being the fastest friend to get ready, so the amount of times I’ve been waiting for my friends to text me that they’re ready is honestly insane. Glad to know I have something in common with the aliens.
Anyone selling two VIP wristbands for Area 51 weekend 1… lemme know
— jilly hendrix (@jillyhendrix) July 14, 2019
I can already see people booking flights to Nevada and risking their lives just to get a funny Instagram pic. It’s exactly like Coachella, just with armed guards instead of an Ariana Grande concert at the end. Also, there probably aren’t any influencer parties.
YOOOOOO. The biggest hazard of unleashing aliens on the world is that I’m sure their species has plenty of f*ckboys too. The truth is out there or whatever, but so are the “u up?” texts.
At this point my only hope for finding a guy who will text back is to raid Area 51
— notanothertruecrimepod (@NATCpod) July 15, 2019
While there’s a high probability that all alien men are assholes, what if they’re not? Human men are trashy enough that it might be worth it to give aliens a try. It literally can’t get any worse.
Government:*pulls up to my house* Sir do you have an alien if so hand it over
Me and everyone who raided Area 51:#Area51memes #Area51 pic.twitter.com/lDuQeFQ1X7— キラキラ (@baratingz) July 13, 2019
I’d just like to put it on the record that this is my favorite video of all time. There is never, ever a wrong time for a Real Housewives meme, and I love the idea that we’re all just going to be hiding aliens in our houses. Is this all just an elaborate promotional scheme for the new Men In Black movie? Did you even know there was a new Men In Black movie? I saw it, and it was bad.
My motivation to study Vs. My motivation to get into Area 51 pic.twitter.com/lF7TbFb5RU
— College Student (@FactsOfSchool) July 13, 2019
This is painfully applicable to every single part of my life. If it is important, I do not care enough to get out of bed. If it is a viral meme that started as a sh*tpost on Facebook, I am way too f*cking hype. It’s my biggest flaw.
me after I save an alien but it keeps making jokes about destroying mankind #Area51memes #area51raid #Area51 pic.twitter.com/moPxY6x7RQ
— Joe (@JFlecTV) July 13, 2019
The biggest problem with kidnapping a bunch of aliens (aside from the fact that they’re not real) is that we don’t know what their intentions are. Maybe they look all furry and cute, but we have no idea what they’re capable of. Let me just remind you that I saw the new Men In Black movie, so I know how wrong these things can go.
the guards laughing at us after we enter area 51 and see no aliens #Area51 #area51raid #Area51memes pic.twitter.com/NCYtTDh1QW
— m (@remysthots) July 13, 2019
As funny as these memes are, the real joke is any of us thinking that there are actual aliens being hidden in the middle of nowhere in Nevada. I love The X-Files as much as the next person, but that sh*t is fictional. Please, please don’t risk getting shot down in the desert just because of a troll Facebook event.
Images: Oliver Pacas / Unsplash; duolingous, idkhonestlyok, jillyhendrix, natcpod, baratingz, factsofschool, jflectv, remysthots / Twitter; kweenkwerke / Instagram
